(cars passing) - [Interviewer] All right, Angel. - Yes. - [Interviewer] Angel,
where'd you grow up? Where are you from, originally? - Originally from the Harbor
area, San Pedro, California. I was born in Torrance, raised in San Pedro and some of here and there. - [Interviewer] And you grew
up with both your parents? - No, actually, I didn't. My mom and my dad
separated when I was young and it was, I don't know the reasons that they did separate. Up to this day I still don't know. But I do know that maybe around two years old, I was, I guess, my dad had took me from my mom, and somehow we ended up in San Jose, California. By the time my mom got me back, mind you, I was a toddler, I was only two years old, I had a third-degree burn on the top of my head. And the story was that, up to this day that I
still, you know, hear is that I had grabbed a pot from the stove, but I'm two years old, how can I reach the stove? And I still have the scar on the top of my head, but it's shrank throughout the years. I'm 52 years old now, so 50 years ago, but it's still, the scar's still there. But it scarred me. It scarred me from that day, because I've always
had a complex about it. Like I said, I don't know
what really happened. My mom don't know. We really don't know what happened. But my mom got me back. They separated some time after that. And then my mom remarried again. (puppy yawns) And that was another story that, you know, it wasn't nothing happy, nothing that I've ever, you know, I could even think of
has been a happy part in my entire life. But you learn to deal with situations in your life and either accept it or, you know, you can try to change it. And I've tried to do both. Eventually I started growing up. I was 17, 16, 17 when I left home. I left home by myself, came out to the LA area and I went from one crowd to another. I've been transgender
since I've been like, 13. And they, I think, you know,
they've always known it, so that even made it double harder on me. They, all my family are gang members from my mom to my dad. So all my uncles, they're all gang members from the Harbor area. So that was double rough on me. So I've grown up around a lot of violence. And like I said, you know, I've always tried to make even a good situation out of a bad one, but somehow, you know, I wasn't just, I didn't have that luck. So I did leave home. I left home and I just
tried to change, you know, something that I felt that maybe it could be better for me if I separated from all of them. It wasn't all good. You know, I have moments that I can say that, you know, "Okay, well, this wasn't too bad." But who's to say that it's not too bad for one person when it could be for another? - [Interviewer] Is there,
was there child abuse? - Oh yeah there was, big time. - What--
- My stepfather. When my mom had remarried, that's one of the reasons I had left home. When my mom had been married and she ended up having my sister first, and she, her name was Monique. Then she turned around and she had my brother, Jacob. And there abuse throughout the whole,
their whole relationship. And it was always focused on me. I have a older brother. My mom would always take him, and somehow I held her
accountable for that, because I felt like, you know, maybe she knew what was going on because of the situation with, you know, my sexuality. They all knew what was gonna happen. You know, I didn't understand it. I was young. I was too young. To me, I've always been a girl, but, you know, when you have
somebody keep pounding it into you, you know, "You're
a boy, you're a boy," you, it becomes a problem, mentally. So from one day to another, I would have my clothes taken from me, thrown in the trash, because they didn't like the
clothes that I was wearing. Could I let her down? - [Interviewer] Yeah, please. - I would, you know, find
my stuff in the trash and I would go take it out. I'd go take it out of the trash and I'd, you know, put it back. - Where'd you put it?
- I'd put it back and she would turn around and my mom would tell me, "You can't be acting up. "You're gonna get in trouble." I remember one time I had turned around and I had these pair of shorts. I was 12 years old, and I'll never forget that. You know, to me, I've
always been, like I said, I believed that I was a girl. So anytime that they seen that I was doing something
out of my character that they felt that
wasn't, you know, boyish, I would get punished for it. It went from standing in the corner for 15 minutes, maybe to an hour, and the more that I rebelled and I didn't go along with what they wanted me to do, the longer I was in there. Then it went from that to physical. And my mom always act
like she didn't know, but she knew. She knew it was went on. And you know, I went from that to just arguments between them because of me, because
I wouldn't, you know, keep my mouth shut. And I wouldn't, you know, do the things that they wanted me to do. And I never wanted my hair cut because of that burn that I had on the top of my head. When they turned around
and they told me that they were gonna cut my hair off intentionally, I ran away from home for the first time. When I ran away from home, I was gone for two weeks the first time. The second time I left home was about three weeks to a month, and they found me. My stepdad, I don't know how he found me, but he went to my friend's
house where I was at. He kicked the door in. He went straight through the
whole house looking for me. He found me in the kitchen. He grabbed me by my throat. He slammed me up against the refrigerator, (Angel sighs) and I'm 12, I don't know the difference. I don't know, you know, what I did wrong. All I know is that I
didn't want to be there. I tried to accept things, you know, for what they are. Some things you could change,
some things you can't. But he took me home with him and my mom and him argued
for a couple of days. They went, kept going on and on and on, and I told her every time I had
a chance, I was gonna leave, and I wasn't gonna come back. So finally, I don't know what my mom, I don't know what was going through my mom's head at that time, but I know it was affecting her too. And I remember her, she
had a little .22 or .25 gun that she kept in her drawer. And I remembered I didn't
go to school that day. And I seen her chasing
him down the stairs. We lived in these
apartments in Montebello. And she chased him down the
street, shooting the gun, and she called my uncles to come get us. And they came and got us, and we never went back
to Montebello after that. - [Interviewer] So did you suspect there might have been
sexual abuse at some point? - With my father, I don't, I'm not sure. I don't know, like I said, I don't know what really happened. I don't know why, you
know, he did the things that he did to me. I don't know why him and my mom separated from the beginning. I don't know why he took me and he didn't take my
other, my older brother, because I don't look nothing like him. I don't look nothing like my mother, a little bit like my mother, but not too much. My father, I don't look nothing like him, but I looked like his sister a little bit. I resemble her a little bit. Like I said, I've always, you know, there's always those
you-want-to-know's, you know? Could it have, could it not have? Why, why me? You know, I've been through a lot, like I said, throughout the years, and it's always been something tragic or it always been something that, you know, weren't good memories. And I still have those. So when I finally left home at 16, after all that happened, you know, I felt, you know, maybe if I just go somewhere on my own that I could start fresh where nobody knew me. I could just, you know, be me. I wouldn't have to, you
know, try to, you know, hide who I was, even though I wasn't hiding nothing. I was me, really. You know, I just, I didn't care. I didn't care what anybody said. You know, I've always felt, if I can't be myself and
accept me for who I am, how's anybody else gonna accept me? But still, I went through a lot of issues, a lot of trials and tribulations. I went through a lot of hard times, a lot of hard times. And even though, you know, I tried to make things work that didn't work for me either way. At 16, when I left home, I came back towards the LA area, and I stood out here. I lived in Monterey park for like maybe a year or so with some of my friends that I had from when I was younger. And then I started getting into trouble. Money was never easy. You know, I've never really had a real job except for maybe two of them that they got rid of me because I lied about my age. I was under age, so they had to let me go. So I went from one thing to another, then prostitution came in. It seemed like it was easy money. That's always something that they've, you know, that not all people, but there's a I can say at least 85% of the guys that I meet, it always has something to
do with something sexual. And I've learned to come to accept that. You know, either I accept it or, you know, I'm just gonna be miserable my whole life, so I've learned to adapt and work with who and what I am. There's, you know, there's
no easy way to say it. So I started working the streets. I started out in El Monte first. Then it went from that to doing federal crimes, cashing checks and whatnot. And in the process of me doing that, I ended up getting into a lot
of altercations on the streets with different individuals and it became cases. But I wasn't the one that, I wasn't the person that had started it or I wasn't the aggressor, you know, I've always felt that I needed to, I needed to protect myself because if I didn't protect myself, nobody else would. Nobody else has ever done
anything for me, you know, as far as that, and any other way, they haven't. Even to this day, you know, it's always, "Angel, Angel,
Angel, Angel, you got this? "Angel, you got that?" You know, and I don't mind helping people. I'm a very giving person, but, you know, it comes to a point when it's every day, every day, every day, every day, and, you know, and then
you really think about it. These people don't give shit a about me. They don't give a shit about me. They don't give a shit about themselves. There's just, you know,
one object that they want and that's just whatever they can get to keep moving forward. Everybody's just, you know,
they're a come up for them. That's all it is, it's
a come up, you know? And that's basically why
everybody knows me out here, because I help a lot of people. If I have it, I'll help them. But it wasn't always that easy for me, either, coming down here. When I first came down here, that's jumping the gun. 'Cause I, before I even came out here, like I said, I got into trouble and I was doing federal crimes and I was young. I went to YA at the
age of 17, going on 18. They sent me to YA for the first ones, for forgery. And in YA at that time, like I said, you know, transgenders in those years, they weren't really accepted, you know? When I got there, they didn't know what to do with me. They kept me in a open dorm area where they can keep an eye on me where the window was right there in front. I was in the first bunk in the front part. And I can't say that I
had an easy time in there but it wasn't really that hard. Like I said, I learned how to adapt with who I was and work with what I had, which was myself and my body, you know? So I made it work for me. Instead of them harassing me because I was, you know, different
or I was gay or whatever, they wanted to label it as, I had the majority of the guys
trying to have sex with me, but they weren't trying to take it. You know, they were being as
friendly as possible to be, you know, gang-related people. And I didn't just let, you know, people just take advantage of me. But in the same token, I knew what I was doing, because if I didn't learn how to use, you know, my sexuality to move forward with people, then somehow they were
just gonna step on me. And I was just gonna become
just another statistic swept under the rug. So I learned how to work with that. I started prostituting at 16 and it went from there to being pretty much, you
know, just an open book cover where everybody knew that, you know, "Oh, that's Angel right there," you know? "Oh, don't mess with her "because she doesn't take no shit," but then it wasn't even about that. You know, I'm not a hard person. I'm, like I said, I'm
a very giving person, but people make you into who you are if you let them. And it became that for me, because then instead of me
just being, you know, somebody that was sheltered and somebody that didn't want, you know,
all the attention around me, I had attention drawn to
me no matter what I did. No matter what I did, it was always something. It was always something, or somebody was always trying
to take advantage of me. That's a good, that back
there, that happened when they, you know, came
to ask you for, you know, whatever assistance you can give them. That's just the top of it. You know, that's just
something that you just barely piling up right now. I've been through that and some. You help somebody and you turn around and they demand more. And if you don't give them more than they start threatening you. And if you, the threats go
from one thing to another. I had been raped, in total, my whole life, maybe five or six times where I even fought back. But, you know, they were always bigger. I was young then, I was
real thin back in, you know, in my younger days. And there was, you know, there ain't no, you know, go to the police and report it. You can't do none of that. You know, especially when you, when you're around those, stop it, Nana, especially when you're around
gang members and stuff, that's something that you don't do. You don't call the police, and you don't do that, because that's something that they could put a hit out on you or, you know, anything
could happen to you. You'll come up missing and
they'll never find you again. And I definitely wasn't
gonna go through that. So I let things happen. But when they happened, it
just happened, you know. I held everything inside. 17, like I said, til I was 21, I stood in YA. When my 21st birthday, when I thought I was going home, I wasn't. The marshals were there to pick me up. They took me to federal detention center and Terminal Island,
San Pedro, California, where I was arraigned, and I was looking at 85 years total for 17 counts of forgery. I ended up doing six,
I believe, altogether. I did six years off of that. Plus the three or four
years that I was in Y. So I did like eight or
nine years straight. Straight without getting out
on the streets for anything. But I can say that at that young age and going through everything that I was going through and everything that I
had been prior to that in a younger age is I started to learn how to adapt to the institutional life where I can say I was institutionalized, 'cause I didn't want to
be on the streets no more. I didn't want to be out here
going through, you know, all the things that I had
went through prior to that. And I made it comfortable. I made myself comfortable in there, because I had what I
wanted when I wanted it, because I was using sex to
get the things that I needed. And it worked for me. I wasn't happy, but I
wasn't, you know, depressed. And I wasn't going through
all the, you know, physical, you know, all the physical damage and mental damage that
I was going through. And I learned how to work with the staff. And the staff, you know,
they weren't bad to me, because I was who I was. So I got a lot of attention. Some of it was negative. Like I said, you know,
everything's not all good. Some of it was negative. And it came from the highers and just the regular dorm staff. It actually came from the superintendent where I do so much attention. They, you know, they
would lock me in my room from one weekend to the next weekend if I didn't, you know,
if I didn't agree to deal with the things that they wanted me to do, which was, you know,
"Don't wear no makeup. "You can't do this. "You can't do that." And I did it anyway. I didn't care because I was being me. So I took it from one person to another. Well the top level, she befriended me. Her name was superintendent, I forgot what it was exactly, but my case manager was Dora Barker. I will never forget her name. And I will never forget her because she was the meanest
lady that I have ever met for, you know, being young, you're only 16, 17 years old, you know? You know what you're doing but you don't know what you're doing. You're still young. You're growing up, you know? You're trying to find out who you are. And she was so, so determined just to make me into a boy when that's not who I am. I'm not a boy. I'm not boy. I never have been a boy. I've never played with boy things. I've never, you know, I've never dressed as a boy. I've never, you know,
cut my hair totally off. Unless I really had to, because of the burn, number one. That was the first thing that, you know, has ever kept me from trying different hairstyles. I've always let my hair grown out. But as time went on, I would check, you know,
every couple of years. And sure enough, little
by little, it shrank to, I think it's about this big now. But it's still there, you can see it. And you know, to me, it will always be this big no matter what, in my head it is. Because like I said, that's something that a person don't just, you know, forget about. You don't forget about things like that that scar you. And that was a scar that I will
never, you know, get rid of. Well, it went from that to going to the federal prison. And I was put into the hole as soon as I got there, lock-up detention, because being transgender, they didn't want to let me on the yard. So by them not wanting
to let me on the yard, I had to sit in there. And I sat in there for the first week where I just kept quiet and
I accepted it, you know? I was in the cell by myself. Nobody was bothering me. So I just accepted it, you know? I figured whatever was gonna
happen was gonna happen. But I started getting, you know, where I was getting agitated, and I was starting to feel bottled up, and I was starting to feel too closed in because I didn't get no, you
know, outdoor activities. I couldn't move around. It was only a cell from about right there to about the end of right there. And I was in there all that
time by myself, you know? You can't talk to nobody
unless you can talk to whoever's next door to you. Well, I met this one guy. He was a Cuban guy named
Kiki Veron Vasquez. He ended up being my celly. How, I don't know how it happened exactly, but it happened, you
know, they didn't want me in the room with nobody. Stop it, Nana. They didn't want me in
the room with nobody and they didn't know
what to expect from me because of the person that I was. I wasn't, you know, just
a flamboyant gay boy. I wasn't, you know,
somebody that didn't know who I, who they were. I knew who I was and they
were uncomfortable with that. The head staff were not
comfortable with that, because they felt that it was gonna cause some kind of tension on the yard. I wasn't worried about it
because I felt, you know, I'm just gonna be me. But I didn't have no clue
of what goes on in there. You know, this is a federal prison. It's nothing like, you know, being in juvenile hall. I even went there, you know? And it's been one thing
after another, like I said. Well, him being Cuban and coming over when he did, and, I think, I
believe it was the eighties when they got here, but I came attached to
him in the beginning. In the beginning, I was attached because it was the first guy that I ever had a relationship with. I'd never had a relationship
with a guy until him. He was my first relationship. And I didn't know, really,
what prison life was until after that with him. I remember when he, we
were in the kitchen eating, and he told me that I was talking, or I was looking at somebody, and I didn't know what
he was talking about. I really didn't. I didn't know. I didn't know what he was talking about. And I got up and I left. Being me, I just didn't care. I didn't care, I wasn't gonna
argue with him, you know? So when he got back into the cell, he ripped my clothes off of me. He ripped my clothes off of me and he slapped me in the face. And then he told me that he
was gonna have, you know, all those black guys
that wanted to have me, that he was gonna have them come in there, and he was gonna have them rape me. So I've been going
through this, like I said, throughout my whole life. It's been something that I just, I bit down on it and
I just accepted things for the way they were. He wouldn't let me out of my cell. He wouldn't let me go nowhere. And my uncles and my brother
didn't know what was going on because they were all across the yard. And they had just so happened to call me for a visit, an attorney visit. And he didn't want me to go. He wasn't gonna let me go. My clothes were ripped off. My face was black and blue on one side. And I promised him that
I was gonna come back and I wasn't gonna try to leave him. And I wasn't gonna do nothing about it. I was just gonna keep quiet. Well, as soon as I got out of that cell, I went straight to my case
manager, my counselor, and I told them to move me. I said, "I don't care where you move me. "I don't care if I go to the hole. "I don't care about anything anymore. "I want away from him. "I want out of this place." So they told me that I
brought it upon myself because they warned me that I shouldn't have got in the cell with him in the beginning. And they were doing it for my own protection
when they put me in there because they knew that
it was gonna happen. Something like that was gonna happen. But I didn't find that it was my fault. I didn't ask for him to do that. I didn't ask for any of that. So they did move him. When they called him to move, by the time I got back to the building and they were moving him, the officer told me to stay out of my cell and let them get him out of there. And he kept on telling me,
"I know you did this Angel. "I know you did this." I said, "What did I do?" He said, "I know you had me moved." I said, "I'm not gonna
argue with you, it's over. "I don't want nothing to do with you." He was going to get into
a physical altercation with the staff, but he, I guess he's had
second thoughts about it, figuring that he wasn't
gonna get nowhere with that. So he went ahead and he moved his stuff. I didn't go out to eat to the kitchen for about a week and a half, two weeks. I stood in the building
and I wouldn't leave. My brother and them came
over there to see me, and they asked me what happened. And I had told them some of it, but I didn't tell them all of it because I didn't want it to blow up to be something more. Because he was Cuban, and like I said, my
uncles are all, you know, they're all gangsters. They're all from the Harbor area. And they had told him don't
ever do nothing to me. Don't let them here, or, you know, he was gonna
pay the consequences. So I didn't tell him
everything that he did. What, Nana, what? (speaks Spanish) And I just, you know, I
dealt with it day by day, but I wouldn't come out
because I was scared that I, I didn't know
what he was gonna do. I didn't, I wasn't positive. For him to do that, you know, to rip my clothes off of me and threaten me with
the things that he did. And I felt that if I
did say anything else, I was either gonna end up in the hole permanently, where they don't let me out. And I had years to do still. Or I was gonna turn around and, you know, just
let him just step on me like a doormat, one of the two. But I did not come out of
that building, like I said, until he came one day and he promised that he wasn't
ever gonna do that again. And like I said, he was
my first relationship. So I was torn between
feelings at that time. But I was scared of him. I was young. I was scared of him. I took him back. They moved me to the
building that he was in, but my uncle was also in that building. All I remember is I drank one day, they made this homemade wine, pruno. And I guess, you know, I must've just tilted it back
and drank the whole thing. And just everything came
out of me at one time. Me and him got into an altercation. My uncle and him got into an altercation. My uncle ended up going to the hole for assaulting the, it was
either the captain or somebody, but they took him. When I woke up in the morning, I didn't remember any
of that that happened after I, I guess I just,
you know, blacked out. I had a blackout. I had abrasions above my eyebrow. I had some on my lower lip. Maybe a half hour after I woke up, six police came in there, and they told me to pack my stuff up. I just got off the bed like nothing. And I said, "Okay." I didn't ask where I was going. I didn't ask what I did. I was kind of happy that I was leaving. Wherever, it would have been better. I didn't care where. And he woke up like the devil and he said, "She's not going nowhere. "She's not going nowhere." And they said, "Sit where you're at. "Don't move. "Don't move from there. "Sit where you're at, we're
gonna have to detain you. "Let her get her stuff." They got all my stuff together and they put me on a bus, and I ended up in another prison. They transferred me out. But on the way out that I was leaving, on the way out that I was leaving, he had cut his wrist. He had cut his wrist, and, you know, it kinda made me not doubt what I was feeling or what I was going through. But it made me confused, because for him to do that to himself because they were taking me, it put me, you know, in a
different spot, you know, from what I was thinking about him, because now I'm thinking,
"Well, maybe he cares. "But no, how do you care about somebody "and then you try to hurt them "and you want all these
people to rape this person? "How can you care about this person?" So I ended up in another prison where I had a problem there too. I had that opportunity to go into an all-female dorm or I can live with the males. I stood living with the males. I didn't want to go with the females. I didn't want to go with the women. Because that was another problem. So when I got there, I think I was on their yard for maybe three weeks to a month? Three weeks to a month. And sure enough, the
problems came, back to back. It was one thing after another, not with the guys this time. It was with the women that were there. And I just, I guess I just snapped. I got to the point where I got
tired of defending, you know, who I am, you know,
why do the things I do, or, you know, explaining
anything about my life, period. I got to that point where
I just didn't care no more. So I went back to my,
I went back to my room. I got a blade and I put it in the inside of my mouth. And when I went outside, I went to the person that was harassing me and I walked up to that person and I cut her in her face. I gave her a cut from here to here. And then I looked at her
and she said, "Put it down." I said, "I could have did that. "I could of whipped your
ass without this razor, "but I want you to remember me. "I want you to remember everything
that you put me through." So I left. I just walked off like nothing, but as fast as I could, and I went back to my room, and I disposed of the
razor inside the toilet. I flushed it. Maybe five minutes, ten
minutes at the most, I was sitting on the yard watching everything as it unfolded. They brought her first. All her kitchen whites were all bloody. Then they turned around and they came, and they told me to stand up and put my hands behind my back. And I asked him for what. I questioned it, even
though I knew what I did. I questioned it. And they said, "You're going
to the hole for investigation." I said, "For what?" They said, "You know what you did." They took me to the hole. They took the cuffs off of me after they put me in the cell, but when they took the cuffs off of me, I guess they noticed the blood that was splattered on my hand. And I didn't even know it was there. But he took the cuffs off. He walked away as fast as he could. And I guess, you know, he figured if he says something, it's gonna mess up their evidence, which it would have. I didn't notice until
after I did like this, and I seen it and I heard it from washing my hands in the sink. So when he came back, he said, "Why did you wash your hands? "I seen that blood on your hands." I said, "What are you talking about?" I denied it. I sat in that hole for nine months, I did, in that hole by myself, in the cell by myself. And I started, you
know, getting mad again. You know, I had anger problems because of everything
that I've been through. So I'd blow up after a
certain period of time. It would just, I hold everything in, and then all of a sudden, you know, just whatever was going
on that affected me, I let everything out. So that's what I started doing again. And then they wanted to get rid of me, but they didn't know what to do, because my case was pending still. It was pending because they
wanted to give me another case for cutting that person. But they couldn't, they
didn't have no evidence, no evidence at all. So they finally turned around and they sent me to Colorado. The coldest place they
could figure to send me. I went, I went wherever they sent me. I went to the hole there as soon as I got there too. They came and they interviewed me. They let me out of the hole there. And as soon as I got into the dorm, again, like I said, I, you know, prostitution
wasn't new to me, so I did what I had to do. I didn't have nobody taking
care of me on the streets, just like now. I have three people. She's the baby out of all of them. I have two bigger ones. The girl's two years old
and the boy's a year. And they're terrible, but that's my family. That's all I got. That's what my family is. Not even my real family. They're my family. And I love them to death, because I know it's unconditional love. That's something that, you know, you can't just take it from them. You have to earn it. And I've done that. I've done that. And I've learned how to deal
with people on my level, because if I don't do that and I give everybody what they want, there's not gonna be no more of me. There won't, they won't be no more. So I do it on my terms now. I do it on my terms. All these people down here that know me, they know that I'm a good person, but I could only take so much. I caught two of my cases down
here in the mid-nineties. My first case I did was four years for assault with a deadly weapon. I was the victim, but they got me for it. Again, the guy raped me. He turned around and he wasn't gonna let
me out of his truck. It was an 18-wheeler. That's when they were
going through here a lot. There was a lot of prostitution
back in those days. And I turned around, stop that Nana. I turned around and, you know, I can only do so much, but I defended myself
the best of my ability. And he ended up getting
cut six or eight times in the face and his chest and his legs, wherever I can get him, I got him. But he turned around and he said that I was robbing him, which I wasn't. I earned the money that he gave me. And he turned around and he said that, you know, "No, she took that from me." No, I didn't, I earned that. And then you turn around and you rape me and you wanted your money back and I didn't want to give it to you. So that's what happened. It turned into a physical altercation. They came maybe an hour
after that had happened. And they see me coming from one street, they were looking for me, actually, they already knew, like I said, everybody knows me down here, including, well, now, you know, the police are not like they used to be. They were really, you
know, assholes back then. But I've had a few that, you know, have
been really nice to me, but it always had something
to do with sex too. Always had to do with
something sex, you know? So I did what I had to do, like I said, you know, when it comes to sex, I can't even have a normal relationship. I don't know how to have
a normal relationship, because I think that everybody, that's all they want from me. So I push people away. I push them away to a point where I'm content in my mind, knowing that I did it
for the right reasons, because somehow it always
ends up turning into that. That's all they want. That's all they want. So I push people away intentionally. And down here, downtown, I have had the most hard
time that I can say, even though people don't even know. I walk around and I'm smiling, and you know, people see
me as a happy person. That's not who I am. That's all fake. It's fake, it's to cover up. It's a mask that I put on. I'm not a happy person. Only when I'm with them, most of the time. When I'm with my dogs, I'm happy, 'cause I'm by myself. I'm in my house. When I come out here, it's not one people, one person wanting, you
know, money for this and money for that. Come on, I had an addiction. I had a real bad addiction. I was on heroin. I was on crack. I was on sherm. I was, you name it, I've done it all. I've done it all, my heroin
addiction was the biggest and the worst thing I've ever done. And, you know, but it kept me, it kept me in my mind, not caring. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. I didn't care about myself
to a certain degree, but I did. I cared enough to keep myself,
you know, my appearance up and to do what I had to do when I had to do it. I worked with it. I learned to accept it. And I've accepted it to this day, but I'm not as easily influenced to, you know, get me alone, or to take advantage of like I used to be. I'm not that young person no more. I grew up, and I, you know, I had to be who I am now. Because if I don't, they're
gonna take advantage of me. You know, like I said, I've been to two prison
terms from down here. The second one was the same thing. You know, it wasn't my fault. I was protecting myself. And another one, I never reported it. I never reported none of them, you know, but I got the case because they reported, the guys, after what happened, you know, and I would stab them and then they would report it 'cause they had to go to the hospital. But it was always my fault. I got the case. The main one that I will never forget, and I ran into him when
I came down this time, was this one guy that drove, no, Nana, he drove a silver car. I'll never forget that man. He had took me to a street that's way, like close to, I guess it would be Olympic, probably. And I didn't know nothing
about those streets back then. I didn't know none of these streets. I was new out here. So, you know, for me, I
was easy going person. You know, I jumped into cars, you know, wouldn't question nobody, you know, didn't worry about if they
were gonna do something to me, because I had never really
had those problems down here. I was new down here. But it happened. It happened more than once. And you know, all I remember is him putting
some scissors to my throat and him telling me, you know,
"You're gonna fuck me good," and, you know, I said,
"Where's my money at?" He said, "I'm not paying you shit, bitch. "You gonna fuck me good." And I just, out of reflex,
my hand hit those scissors and they flew in the back seat, and I locked one of my legs up against him and pushed him up against
the driver's door. And I tried to open the door with, you know, my free hand, and I was locking my other leg, and kicking him with the other heel with the other shoe on and I had stilettos on. And I remember that he was trying to get away, you know, out of the lock, but he couldn't. And my legs were, my legs
were strong, you know? And I couldn't get out. He had rigged the door,
the passenger door, where you can't open it
like that, you couldn't. And I had never been in a
situation like that before, so I didn't know what to do. I was scared, I panicked. And I remember just screaming. And then some guy came down the alley and he opened the door from the outside. He said, "What are you doing to her?" Stop it, Nana. And then he started cussing at me, the guy did, the driver, and he tried to get out the car. And I left my purse in there. I left one shoe in there. My nylons were ripped. I was crying. And I remember running. And I accepted that
after a couple of hours, even though I went through all that panic and all that stress, I accepted it. I came back out to work,
to make my rent money, and it happened again the same day. I got into a van with this Jamaican guy, and, same thing. By the time he parked down here on one of these streets on 9th Street, he, it was raining that day. I lived at where I live now, but it was a hotel back then. Nana, get over here, mamas. I turned around, and I wasn't worried about him because I had still on my mind fresh from what that guy did to
me hours prior to that. But when that man parked his van and he turned around and he started taking his clothes off in the front seat while I was in the back of the van, and he told me that same thing,
"You're gonna fuck me good, "or I'm gonna kill you, bitch." That's what he said. He was gonna kill me. That's all he had to say, because I had just went
through that other ordeal. I turned around and I
pulled some silver shears that I had it in my backpack. I pulled them out and I went for him. I just lunged for him. I just couldn't think, I
couldn't think of nothing else. I just could think of just, you know, getting out of there, my safety. He didn't have no clothes on. He opened the driver's door, and he got out naked and I locked it. He ran around to the other side to try to get into the passenger side and I locked it. And when I looked down at the ignition, the keys were there. And my mind just clicked, so I started it up. And as I drove off, I remember turning onto 9th Street. I almost flipped over 'cause it was raining, and I went onto the curb halfway. But I took his van, and I took that van home with me and I drove home crying. When I walked into the hotel and my manager had told me, Nana, come here mamas, my manager asked me what happened 'cause my clothes were open. They were uneven. You know, my makeup was all running, and I was hysterical because of what happened
earlier than that. That's twice in one day, you know, and I was thinking, you know, "I'm gonna get killed down here. "I'm gonna get killed down here." And I still didn't pay
my rent that day yet. 'Cause those two things had happened. But I was determined 'cause I didn't want to be on the streets. I had never lived on the streets. Like, you know, there's tents and stuff. Now I hadn't lived up until that point. I was never on the streets. As a matter of fact, you know, I was scared to be on
the streets by myself because of the situations
that I had been in and the things that
was going on around me. I'm still, you know, I
have panic attacks still. I still, you know, I worry about, you know the things that I do. I don't work the streets as much as I used to, but I still do, because, you know, I have
to take care of myself. $221 that the GR gives you is not enough to take care of three
pit bulls and myself. And you know, it's not
because I'm high maintenance or I need a lot, you know,
things here and things there. This has nothing to do with none of that, because I've learned how to survive. But it's them that I worry about. It's them that I care about. It's not even myself. I care more for them
than I care for myself. And you know, that's sad, but at the same time, you
know, they mean a lot to me. But like I said, I've learned to adapt and I've learned to put a mask on. I do it for my own protection, because if I don't, people will see what I've been through or they'll see, you know, how vulnerable that I can be. And I am very vulnerable. I can say it, honestly say that I am. But I've learned to put that mask on. And it makes me feel safer, because if I don't put that mask on. I feel like, you know,
the worst can happen. And if, it's not me, you
know, dying or anything. That's not the worst. It's them, you know, my dogs. What's gonna happen to them if something happens to me? Nobody's gonna take care of them like I do, nobody will. So I wear that mask. I walk around here with that fake smile and, you know, like everything's
okay, but it's not okay. It's not okay. And it never will be okay. I'll never be able to
recapture those years that I lost, you know,
of any good memories or of my childhood where I could say I had a happy childhood. No, I never had a happy childhood. I don't know how to express who I really am, you know, without having some part of my past come and hit me in the head. Because I know what I've
been through, I know. These people don't, none of these people really
know what happens to me or what happened to me or what will happen to me if I just let that mask off. They don't know. They don't know. But I've learned, like I said, to adapt. I adapt to situations as they come. Because if I plan anything beforehand, it won't turn out the way
that I want it, it won't. Something, and walk up or something, There's so many people that talk to me out here that know me. But don't think they just, because, oh, I'm a good person, no. They've all tried to hit on me. The ones that have, you know, even people that trying to introduce me to, you know, you, I guess, at one time or another. They've hit on me too. But I've learned how to just smile it off and, you know, push them
off little by little. But you know, with sarcasm or something, you know, smart. Just say, "Oh, I'm busy,"
or something like that instead of opening that door. Because I know once that door
is open, I'm gonna lose it. I will lose it, I will. And it's not that I'm a real tough person, 'cause I'm not, I'm fragile. And I know I'm fragile to a certain degree until I feel like I'm
trapped into a corner. Once I'm trapped into a corner, I don't think about anything
else but, you know, my safety. It's either me or them, and it's not even prison
that worries me anymore, because it's not that. It's just, I am tired of
people taking advantage of me. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people
using me for, you know, their own disposal. And they don't have any kind of caring or remorse in their heart. They don't care. They don't care, they don't
care about the next person. And I'm just the opposite. I'm opposite than all that. I help people when I can help them. And it's not because, you know, I'm easily influenced or, you know, I'm a pushover. It's not because of that. It's because even though I have been through everything that I have, I haven't lost being human. I haven't lost, you know, the ability to try to help somebody that I see that, you know, needs it. And I won't let that, I won't let that, I won't let that take take over me. These people that are
down here, the majority of them are down here and they got trapped down here And they don't know, they
don't know nothing better than to take advantage of people or try to get over on somebody. And I told myself, I would
never let that happen. I will never change like that. Because that's not who I am. I've had it happen to me. I've had all the worst that anybody can imagine happen to them. It's happened to me. It's happened to me, but I'm here. I'm a survivor. I'm a survivor, and if it wasn't for, I'm not gonna say the three of them, 'cause I just got her. If it wasn't for my first one, Chloe, I wouldn't be here now. She has kept me from
day one from blowing up. She has kept me from going back to prison and she has given me the
will to want to be here and to take care of her. If I don't take care of her, nobody will. And she'll just be
another statistic out here just using her just to get
pregnant to sell her puppies. And you know, I'm not gonna
let that happen to her. I'm not gonna let nobody
use her like I've been used. And I've been used. I've been used over and over
and over and over again. And I've accepted it every time, until I just can't take it no more. And I just, you know, push people away. So that's what I do. That's me, I push people
away to a certain point, but I can communicate with people at a, you know, the same level
as they communicate with me, but I'm not a happy person and I don't feel safe
around people, I don't. I have to be by myself with my dogs to feel
really safe to a degree, because I'm always thinking
somebody's gonna try to do something. So here we are now. And you know, I'm 52 years old now, and my lifestyle has
changed to a certain degree. But I still can say I'm a survivor. I'm not one of the people
that have fell down and continue to where I'll
just disappear into the cracks. I'm not gonna let that happen. You can do it if you want to, you can. You can survive. You can even be on
drugs but still survive, because you have to have
some kind of humanity. You have to care about yourself to a certain degree for you to push it away little by little. But nobody knows what everybody
else goes through down here. You don't, you don't know. You don't know. The one thing I can say is that I am me and I always will be me no matter what. I've been through the worst that can be. But I'm still here. I'm still here. Yep, that's my story. - [Interviewer] Thank you
so much for talking to me. - You're welcome. You're very welcome. Come on, Nana.
