- My bang look okay? Keeps tryna ... - [Mark] All right, Amber. Amber, uh, where are you from originally? Where did you grow up? - Um, I was born and
raised, well, I was born in Los Angeles. And then, I
was moved to Upland, California which is in the Inland Empire. And then, from there, I
moved to Woodland Hills. And then I've been out in this area. - [Mark] You grew up
with both your parents? - Well, my mom, yes. And then, uh, my real dad got killed the same day my mom and
my stepdad got married, the exact same day. - [Mark] How'd your dad die? - He got killed. - [Mark] Murdered? - Mm hmm. I was five. August 7, 1983. - [Mark} I'm Sorry. Was he, like, in trouble a lot, or something like that? - Um, he was in the streets. He was a gang member. He was a drug dealer. He was a big drug dealer. - [Mark] Okay. So that lifestyle, kinda? - Yeah. - [Mark] And what kind of kid were you in high school? - Um, by the time I hit high school I was already, like, out of control. - [Mark] Really? - Um. [Mark] Let's, let's back
up to your childhood, then. - Yeah, I was like (inhales) - [Mark] How was your childhood? - Um, around the age? I want to say, 11. my mom started going through depression. Depression runs, I don't want to say it runs
in our family, but it's like, I guess, hereditary? 'Cause, uh, my great-grandmother had it. My grandmother had it
and then my mom had it. Um, I was 11 and my
little brother was five. So, when she went into her
depression, I had to step up and be the mama. So, I would take care of my brother. I would wake him up, get him
ready for school, walk him to school, pick him up from
school, do homework with him. I was a mother, like, that
was literally my first child. So, when my dad took
him, because my stepdad, I call him my dad. My stepdad took him. At that
point, I was in high school. So now, I had a little bit of freedom and I went crazy with that
little bit of freedom. This was around high
school in ninth grade. - [Mark] What kind of
stuff were you doing? - Whew. Um, ran away from home.
I didn't want to be at home because I wasn't getting the love at home. 'Cause my mom was going through
what she was going through. So, I was looking for that love in the streets and it wasn't good. I was partying and drinking and hanging out with older people. I always looked older, or
younger, I always looked older so they didn't know really how old I was but I was with older men and
then it just got too wild. And then, my stepdad,
he came and snatched me, took me to the Valley. At that time I was 16, 17? 16, 17. - [Mark] So as a young teenager, you were already like, dating guys? - Uh, My first boyfriend was 26. I was 13. - [Mark] Were you like,
dating guys for money? - Um, at that time, no. At that time, I think I was just looking for that love that I wasn't getting. So, and ... Younger. My body always looked older. Like, I had bigger boobs. I didn't look like a
normal 11, 13 year-old. So, at that time, no. I wasn't looking. 'Cause- - [Mark] Where'd your life go after? As you got older?
- Um. - When I went to the Valley,
I was already, still used to that lifestyle that I was living. So, me and my stepdad would clash because I wouldn't come home. I would run away from home. I didn't want to be there
because I was so used to having my freedom. So then at that time I was like, homeless. So, I met a guy. He was like, well, if
you come stay with me, you can come stay with me. You know, you could live
your lifestyle, but we gonna' do this on the side, so that
we able to pay for rent. And that lifestyle on
the side was dancing. Because, like I said, I always had a body. So, and I always loved to dance. So he was like, you might
as well get paid for it. It might as well put you, I know where I can put you somewhere. At this time, I wasn't even 18 yet. So, he was like, I know,
I know somewhere where you can dance, you know,
they're not going to worry about your age. So, I went into the club. I was dancing at this club, maybe, I want to say, maybe a year? And I had a regular who would
come in all the time. And I don't want to say he followed
me to my car one night. And then, he raped me. Um. That still kind of bothers me to this day. - [Mark] After work? - After work, yeah. So. (exhales) I dunno, it still has a
toll on me to this day. - [Mark] I'm sure. - But, - [Mark] How many years ago was this? You were 17? - No, at this time I was 18. - [Mark] 18. - And, I didn't want to do it
anymore, 'cause I was scared, like, to go to work. I didn't know. But, staying with the guy, he would make me. So, it was like, forced. So, I just kept doing it. I kept doing it. And now, it was like, my go-to. Still to this day, it's still my go-to. Like, I don't want to do it,
but I know I could go to it. It's my go-to. If I ever need to. A lot of people don't
know that, so, (scoffs) about the rape situation. But. After, I feel like,
after the rape situation, I felt like, I turned to sex. I started doing it more. I started, I don't know. It felt like, I don't know how to say it, but it was like, I felt
like, I don't know. Some people say, like, when you get raped you can go one or two ways. I feel like I went the wrong way. I feel like I should, should've
went about it differently. But I, I think I got more
out-of-control after the rape. - [Mark] Really? - Yes. I started drinking. Turned into sex. I was having sex. Crazy. Like, didn't care. I don't know if that's normal, but yeah. it was, like, I wanted
it, like, I needed it. I had to have it. And then. Yeah, I just wish
I would have went differently after that happened. Instead of going the
road that I went down. - [Mark] So, and you're
still stripping today? - Yes. Not like, regularly. Like, that's not like
my, that's just my go-to. I know that I can go to the
club and dance and make money. - [Mark] And that, that's the kind of job where you can kind of
come and go as you please- - Yeah. - [Mark] and you don't have to be nine-to-five every day? - No. No, no, no, no, no. I, I mean, no. I wouldn't
make that my regular job. I did that to where it was my regular job. Where I was dependent on that
money. Where that money was, if I didn't dance, I
wasn't gonna have no money. I wouldn't go back to that. - [Mark] What are the worst things about being a stripper? - Um. - [Mark] What are the best things? What are the worst things? - Of course the best things
is the money. Of course. I think the worst things
is, a lot of people, I don't know, like, a lot of
people try to put strippers, like, oh you just going to dance? It's more to it than that. It's like, you got to work for that money just like anybody else has to. It doesn't just come to you. It takes a toll on your body. Um, cause a lot of people don't know, you can't go dance sober. You can't. You have to drink. You have to take, you know,
you have to ease yourself. So, a lot of people do drugs. A lot of people drink. A lot of people ... So, it takes a toll on
your body after a while. Dancing on your knees. My knees is, I'm old now. Now I be like, woo. Ya know? So, but yeah, dancing is not, it's not as easy as people think it is, just like a prostitute. You gotta learn. You gotta get to, you got to get a trick, because your trick is
where your money come from. You need it. In the strip club, you
got to have a trick, too. Because, you gotta have a regular. You gotta, you have to, you have to, you have to, like, just going in and
dancing, and not knowing, not conversating, like, like I said, you gotta work for your
money, just like anybody else. But, a lot of people really
think stripping is easy. It's not. It's really, it's
really, really, really not. And you also deal with a
lot, like now, to this day, when I do go dance, I'm still scared. 'Cause you never know. You might just get that
one person that just can't separate the club. Like, what happened when I got raped. So, I'm still scared. I always have somebody go
with me. I never go by myself. So it's like, it's like, a lot
we have to deal with as well. And then, another thing that
strippers deal with, too 'cause I've had it. When you do get a regular, and a regular does come
in the club with you, they form a relationship with
you that you don't even know that they have. They become obsessed with you. They become, and I feel like that's what
happened when I got raped. Because he didn't want
to take no for an answer. You get a lot of those. You get a lot of those. So it's, it's a scary job, but it's like, it's my go-to. It's like, that's where my money. If I know I really need money,
I know I can go to that. - [Mark] So, do you have kids? - Um, yes. I have kids. Um, the story with them goes back kind of to when I was running the wild life. I did get pregnant. I did have kids, and me being so used to being free and being wild and being ... I had to make a decision
to let my kids go. Not let them go, but, I knew at that time, I couldn't be a mother to them. (crying softly) So, I'd rather my kids be somewhere where I knew
they were safe, taken care of. Loved. (crying softly) Sorry. But, but yeah, I have kids. - [Mark] Do you see them still? - Of course, yes. I still see them. No, they know who I am. - [Mark] Who do they stay with? - Um, they stay with my stepdad. - [Mark] Okay. - Um. (sniffles) But yeah, it's a hard, it was a hard decision
to make, but I had to. I couldn't, I couldn't have
them runnin' in the streets with me. I couldn't have them
here. There. Everywhere. So, as a mother, I had
to make that decision, and I felt like it was a good decision. I mean, it has it's goods and it's bads because of course, you know,
you want to be with your kids but I know they're well taken care of. They're so smart. And my dad did a good job with them. - [Mark] That's great. - So, (sighs) sorry. It's a sensitive subject, but yeah. - [Mark] Do you still have contact with the rest of your family? - Um, I felt like, I don't have a family. I feel like I'm by myself. That kind of plays a part in my kids. That's why I had kids. Because, I wanted to start my own family, but being so wrapped up
in that lifestyle, I just, I couldn't. And the family
that I do have, we don't talk. We don't communicate. We don't, I'm literally by myself. (inhales sharply) Um, my dad's side of the family, I don't talk to them at all. My mom's side of the
family, I don't know them. I saw dad's family kinda when I got older and got so wild, it was just like, they really don't have
that much to do with me. So, it's like, I'm really
out here by myself. And I feel like that's why
I am the way that I am. I don't let people in. I don't. I have a tough skin. But. I have friends that, you know, I've been friends with for a long time. I consider them my family. But, family, I don't have no family.
I don't know what family is. Yeah. - [Mark] Do you see your kids, like, on holidays and things like that? - Um, yes. I do. Like I said, they know who I am. You know, you know, I'm Mom.
They're still kinda young. They don't know, like, why
isn't Mom with us every day? But, when they get older, you
know, I'll explain to them. And hopefully they understand. Because, what I didn't want, was for my kids to feel how I felt. But, it was a little
different, because I was in the home with my mom, but
I still didn't get that love. I still didn't get, my mom
didn't teach me anything. I learned everything on my
own. Periods. To having sex. That's probably why I went so crazy. 'Cause I didn't know what was right. I didn't know what was wrong. - [Mark] What, what do you wish was different about your childhood that might've changed the
direction of your life? - Um, I would say the love. Because, I turned to the streets for the love, 'cause I wasn't getting it at home. So, I wanted to go get it from somewhere. So, I felt like, if I
had that in-home love, I really don't feel like I
would have turned out how I did. Yeah, I wish that would
have been differently, but it's like, I felt like I wouldn't be who I am without going through what I went through. But I would, I would have hoped that
it went differently. - [Mark] And when you say you,
a stripper needs to indulge in something in order to
just do the work, what what drug do you typically go to? - Um, well, I don't really do drugs. I was doing ecstasy pills, though. I turned, I had my stage of that and I had a really bad episode with that. So, I stopped doing that. So then I just turned to alcohol. I would get drunk. I wouldn't care. Black out, fall out. I didn't care. That was my go-to. Now, I don't really drink as much because of my situations and my episodes. But, yeah, my drug of
choice was ecstasy pills and I had a really bad
experience with that. So, I just stopped.
But I've never done, you know any other drug. But ecstasy pills are addicting as well. 'Cause I was addicted to it. Like, I would crave for them. I would go through the
withdrawals of not having them. And then, yeah. I took a ecstasy pill that I
thought was an ecstasy pill, and it was something else. It was just, it was bad. So, I just stopped. I'm always around it, though. I'm always around drugs. I just chose not to do drugs because of what I've seen growing up, um, you know, with the drugs,
my mom doing drugs. So, I didn't, that was never me. So then when I did try
to give a drug a chance it went all bad. So, just, okay. No. Yeah. So, I turned to drinking. I can say that I was like, an alcoholic for maybe two to three years. And then, I was like this, because I, I don't like the feeling of something taking over my body. And me not being able to control it, or me being able to, I
don't like that feeling. So, it was like, I had to get myself together,
'cause I was losing myself. And then, I fell into that. I did that depression mode. 'Cause it goes back to what I was saying, like, it runs, like, it's hereditary and, I tried to commit suicide. So that was like, after I did that I tried to block everything out. So I don't really drink anymore. I don't pop, like, I don't do. - [Mark] When did you
try to commit suicide? - Um, The end of last year. - [Mark] And how did you try? - I took pills and somebody walked in. I want to say, I guess, at the right time. And they called the ambulance
and I woke up in the hospital, but I was at the point in life, I didn't want to be here anymore. Oh, Jesus. - [Mark] What do you think
keeps you from wanting to just get your life together
just for your kids? - Right now? That's
what I'm going through. I'm going through getting myself together. I'm going through trying to
get myself better, because- - [Mark] But, but, but I guess
what I'm saying is, people will watch this and like,
Oh, that's just an obvious, that's obviously the smart decision. But, but I understand that it's, it's much more complex than that. - Yeah, I was gonna say,
it's easier said than done. - [Mark] Yeah. - It's way, way easier. - [Mark] And I'm trying
to figure out what, what it is that is in play that keeps you from just being able to
make that simple decision? - I want to say, because when
you get used to a lifestyle, it's hard to just let it go. It's been times where
I've tried to, okay, look, I'm going to get it together. Like, I got to get my kids and then you fall back
into that lifestyle. And then it's just like,
I'm back to square one. - [Mark] Do, do you think some of it is just your self worth? Is, you almost believe you deserve the treatment that you
get out in the street or in the strip club or whatever? - I mean, it's maybe,
maybe it's, I'm used to it, 'cause that's all I know. - [Mark] Yeah. - But it's like, now it's like, okay I have to, it's like, it's,
it's, it's not good for me, because that lifestyle is
what made me take those pills. It made me not want to be here anymore. It made me not. It was just like, enough was enough. And that's why I wanted to kill myself. That's why I didn't
want to be here anymore. But then it's just like, now, I have to look at the situation. Like, I have people, I have little people that look up to me. So, it's like, I have
to get myself together. Um, I've never had a regular job. I just got a regular job. So it's like, I'm just, I'm trying. I just have to keep myself from falling back into that lifestyle. So it's, it's, it's hard. It's way easier said than done. But, I have to, because it's like, now it's like, I'm getting older. I'm not getting younger. So, I don't have that much
time. I have to. I have to. And then my kids are getting older. So, it's like, now they're
going to understand. Now they're gonna know, now they're gonna see their mom. No, like, I don't,
that's what I don't want. That's what I fear, because
I know how that feels, because I went through that and I don't want my
kids to go through that. - [Mark] Excellent. All right, Amber. Thank you
so much for talking to me. - Thank you for having me. - [Mark] Good luck with
your kids and everything. - Thank you. - [Mark] Thank you. You done had me in here cryin'!
