So cool about a year ago I went on a date and I got catfished and uh is when you meet someone online The medium person for real and you're like, hey that'll match. Okay You never mustache online, man, right? So I met this girl online. She was very pretty. She was sooo pretty I made her a person She was just as pretty that's not she got me All right, the way she got me is when she walks kind of hands with we're just go Somewhere like who I love long walks on the beach, but it's hard because my leg This bar downtown right and she was really pretty she's pretty I went over and I bought her drink that sounds fine She is y'all I normally don't buy with me drinks cuz I don't drink, you know It's weird for me to get a water get it girl alcohol beverage like yeah. Hey lucky, you know just creepy I'm a comedian Bill. Cosby is a comedian anyway And so, uh Bobby this drink, right and the borrower at starts playing music, so I can't hear what she's saying, right? So I'm like yo, he's getting loud in here. Let's go take a walk around the park, right? She's like I let's do it Robin. She hopped that chair First cuz niska's playing rightly, you know dance on your way out the clue Cuz she was walking like she's seen $10 on the crown, but she didn't want anyone to know is she like is that $10? Cuz it's mine. Yeah Then she became my girlfriend, so that's pretty cool Fake Amanda for pushing that buzzer Bankers People approaching me on the road saying well done. But the most common question I get is you're from where is it? Molly Maui? ma its Malawi and if any of you don't know where that is, it's way more to unadopted all the babies from That's us Yeah, you're jealous I do miss Milo brother And Angelina took my sister so I'm good in the UK. Wow. I was tricked into moving here I was tricked because I was watching television and I saw an angry guy came on television He said all these immigrants take all the good jobs all the good women. I was like wow, that's what I'm looking for I Know sometimes comedy. It's hard to laugh sometimes because the news is full of depressing stuff But I think the thing is it's misleading because amazing things happen every day little acts of kindness But they don't report it. They put it on page 10 they open with the doom and gloom If the BBC news with a maid of yours, you'd never go over. Look. I'm not going through that depressing barbecue with Cartoon Network, but It's an amazing time to be alive. People say stuff like oh I miss the good old days the good old days were terrible. We've got amazing stuff. We've got Wi-Fi. Hmm We've got rights I'm black two hundred years ago. This would have been an auction The doom and gloom the Milad the medallion press is a lot worse than your press here I will tell you like I did the first ever comedy show in Malawi which isn't an accomplishment. I'm the only stand-up comedian, right? the local press instead sent a reporter the editor said ah, ah, why don't you write the review yourself and You give me some money. I will say we wrote it. I was disgusted by the total lack of integrity in the Malawian press but wow, that was the best review ever got Seven stars Genius Michael McIntyre But it's crazy I'm on television right now because my ex always thought I wasn't ambitious enough She always used to be like you're a comedian. Come on. Be more ambitious. I said, hey, I'm happy. She said you're not happy I said I think I'm happy. She said no be more ambitious. I did not sign up for somebody who's going nowhere I said I told her look you knew I wasn't ambitious the day we met of all the women in the bar. I approached you Looking for let I'm looking for love, you know, got to get that citizenship, you know On a budget I Remember going for date and the woman made a lot more money than me, which isn't the problem We're in the 21st century, but I was ashamed I remember the waiter came up assumed I was gonna pay Put the bill in front of me. I had to go Pathetic watching her pay I wanted so badly to be part of the transaction. So I just took the change I Don't understand the British I saw a beautiful British woman looking at a mirror upset I said what's going on? She said can't you see it's a fat mirror She said this mirror makes me look fatter than I mean I said, well, I think my eyes have the same problem Was not mocking her don't be angry with me it was a cultural misunderstanding I'm from Africa. It's different when we see someone overweight. We don't think going a diet. We're more like, where did you get the food? So it's a huge misconception that guys are like dogs and women are like cats we have it backwards Okay, guys, you're like cats you're aloof and emotionally unavailable Women are exactly like dogs. We're exactly like dogs like hey, where you going? We're good. We're I'm gonna wait right here. I'm gonna wait right here. I'm gonna wait right here. I'm gonna wait right here I'm gonna wait right here gonna shoes See guys you're like cats you're like, oh you're home Okay, so this is what's gonna happen you're gonna feed me Then I'm gonna stare with the window at nothing Then I'm gonna pass on the bathroom deal through have a deal, huh? We're never like dogs. We clean up after ourselves right ladies. You ever seen a dog vomit eats it right back up Usually does it a private eats enough no evidence You don't even know what's happened guys are like cats you'll just puke anywhere and make a huge scene about it And then you're like, oh my god, can you clean that up it's so gross I don't want to touch it Here comes a dog I got it. I got it. I totally got it Women are like dogs. We need to be groomed shampoo condition blow dry fluffy Cats were like what I'm dirty. Oh and ER Well, you see I think my little stick now is all about me I miss hearing lyrics in music see I mean it all starts you what I went to see The Lion King anybody see the 1990 but I must have misheard something right because I thought the first song was about the Arsenal cub football manager What I did then how do you think of yourself at all? Maybe there's other songs right that you can hear that you think maybe they're singing something different, right? So I've amalgamated loads and it's just for you hitch it surely Oh Great to be here. The last time I performed in a live sold-out theater was awkward Cuz a lot of the people trying to watch the movie got mad But also just so you guys know I don't know how to fix your computer I just look like I do. I just want to clear that up So when I was little I really wanted to be a magician I did this one trick where I got my dad to disappear emotionally from the rest of my childhood But I actually just went through a breakup but it's okay because she was imaginary and Like sometimes I feel like she was never even there, you know I found out she was cheating on me with my best friend. Apparently he had a much bigger imagination. So I'm Dealing with that a Lot of my friends are using Twitter now, I don't know how to use it So instead I just carry around a megaphone and announce what I'm doing at random times I'm just like yeah, I'm in the library. Just letting you know. Yeah, it's great. I got like three new followers the other day Two of them were cops Thank you He's enjoying himself Well, some people said that my audition was a bit rude for a kid And the producers gave me this here goes Would you call a duck with the broken leg lame Rubbish Laughter I'm trying to go with some nice things to say about you So, please help me get through to the final because I'm going to need a lot more time Addition I managed to get one joke out before her back sounds that we all dread Get used to malicious laws I Love being on bgt all these losers desperate to be famous Alone the judges Savage I know don't be ugly My birthday next week and I wanted to get me a present she said don't open it until Your birthday because bad luck. I thought that's a nasty thing to get a kid for their birthday And then bears my mom she sent her to my granddad's big brown eyes that Made me cry That's what I really wanted was his money Being a pig white light shine lies nothing from son's teeth It does look good for tej he's intelligent talented generous and humble who told me himself My back is poorly and that said if you don't treat him Immediately he could die cited to Disneyland He still died So I soon chewed up because I got to meet my favorite double ups They really make me laugh Eventually had to say holy Filipino By the way on becoming obese, you know what that means My guess is old boring entertainer That's good news, isn't it David the trunk charts, but you'll be next Now you're probably wondering why my parents let me get away with being so cheeky But what you should be wondering is how I started off this performance in a gray jacket Hey, you can say good evening You speak English It's my night, come on, hey say something know What what why not it's fantastic come on the presidency dirge, yes Listen in English see Spanish we it's all say, okay Hey Wendy listen to me you think I am stupid? Yes So well, you don't want to speak anymore no, okay and now oh yes, I want you Know you know how to sing know what yes. Yes Where we listen to you It's about wow and you understand Music plays, we're gonna see something. All right. Okay. Don't look at me. Look at me audience Flexer feelings. Come on No signal Trying to fuck Or together. Okay, please come on. We say it's pretty good talent. Okay all together feeling Hello judges Simon what's up? Good you gave me here White people in the house make some noise Black people in the house make some noise You're mixed race two sets of noise Noise Let's do this Darth Vader, I'd hate to be him cuz he can't even do simple things like play hide and seek Well he can but there's no point you've know where he is. You can hear where he is Why do you even bother Kung fu films I love them cuz they always ask questions. They know you can't answer. Hey Has anybody ever said yes Cartoons my favorite Popeye I'm strands two and a finish cuz I eats me spinach dodo not stop lying spinach doesn't make you strong Spinach doesn't do a damn thing. Listen, dude, how many fights I lost because of Popeye. Do you do you just Thinking about it Look, I got beat up every week Dave. I couldn't fight like Popeye by definitely sounded like him especially after the fight. Oh, boy I'm getting my behinds kicked all over the place Michael Jackson, I think he was possessed. You can see a nice Thompson People don't dance like that. Mike was possessed Alicia listen to the noises he used to make He always looked like you needed the bathroom wanted the bathroom couldn't find the bathroom and we said we're trying to delay it Annie are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? I'm surprised that she didn't ask him the same thing back and if she did she'll be well within her rights Cuz Simon he was in no position to question anyone's mental state and he had to okay ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Am I okay? No, no, no. No, are you? Okay? Have you ever been? Okay. Do you even know what K is don't be concerned about me be concerned about you. I'm fine. You're messed up Last but not least folks bad breath may a guy the other day with bad breath Alysha his breath was Bruce Lee His breath was kicking his breath was so bad he breathed out I breathed in forgot to breathe out and nearly died His breath was so bad. I was lapsing in and out of consciousness Halitosis, and there's hella ptosis he had cuz his breath was evil Well, I guess I'll talk about myself I'm 44 never been married people ask me why I've never been married good question Probably cuz I talk to married people all the time and you know what? I'm not hearing enthusiasm Ain't nobody's selling this marriage thing You wouldn't buy any other product if people talked about it the same way people talk about being married Like if you want to buy a car and the salesman was like well this car It's not easy. It's not easy, you know is it? They're really got to work hard it takes a lot of work and they'll be good days and bad days with this car I ask married people all the time. How do you like being married at best? You know what I hear so far so good Best I ask people. How do you like Game of Thrones? They're like, oh my god I try to meet women on the Internet anybody do the Internet You got to be careful on there that people lie to you on the Internet now what's the number one lie on the Internet people lie about their age on the Internet and Then they'll put up like an old picture from like 1982 And then they look young in a picture and then you meet them and they're 78 years old That's why I tell women I meet online look send me a picture of you holding today's paper For at least an iphone4 for God's sakes One picture I saw on the Internet the Berlin Wall was in the background And it was under construction Thank you everybody that's it for me hello, my name is Leo light L. I am 15 years old and I'm single I've been single let's see here. Pretty much my whole life Pretty sure, it's because I'm unemployed. I live at home with my parents and I don't have a car These are all big red flags, it's why I don't get much attention on match.com. I Do however have a lot of success on tinder where I am a buff 28 year old Georgetown medical student with a portion a trust fund Now I'm a teenager so I'm in that awkward phase of life I'm kind of a mutant creature part adult part child But I look back on the early years of childhood Fondly, you know those good old memories like when you get in the van and turns out the man doesn't have any candy Of course nowadays candy won't cut it. We're in the 21st century. You need something like free Wi-Fi to up the ante That's really all the kid wants anymore speaking from experience And I want to thank my mom and dad for being so supportive of my comedy My mom helps me book gigs, and my dad helps me write my material so I Like to think I'm pretty far along in the entertainment industry because I've got two things that a lot of people strive to have I have a Jewish writer and my agent does a girl lays to sleep with
