10 *TRY NOT TO LAUGH* CHALLENGE HILARIOUS COMEDIANS OF ALL THE TIME ON AGT AND BGT!

[Music] [Music] hello what's your name I'm told you and how old do you boy and are you married is that a proposal no not married not to my knowledge and what is it that you're doing for us today stand-up impressions brilliant we'll wish you the best yeah thank you I love TV man anybody here remember blind date ladies and gentlemen [Music] miss [Music] we've got three Bonnie lads behind that screen let me do Scylla how are you and is the gorgeous girl is gonna meet him and name's Amanda come in Amanda you know I'd love to see the screen goes back she doesn't like a look at the guy she makes it clear dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt [Applause] pretty women why do you always come to the club with a friend that doesn't look as cute as you yes and guys just as you're about to get the cute ones number the friend comes along and messes it up completely yes let me set the scene Alicia hi you're kind of cute oh you're cute too here comes the friend then they turn to their friend come is he here is he here is here are you you look like a nutter you how can you prove you're not a nutter exactly a fool you are a nutter if I'm not getting the man no one's getting a man [Laughter] [Applause] Total Recall predator commando action films I love them paper action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger yes because swats negger is always asking questions huh what the hell is going on [Applause] and he's always trying to explain his drama to other people that don't care some men just try to kill me I think it was spies or something hairy from work he was the boss not on my hands blood on my knives he tried to take my life to town I do ladies [Applause] where that said we've got to go do [Applause] hello hello you look happy I'm quite delighted what's your name it's my name is Delhi so Denise search upon that that's amazing Malawi your name Malawi yes so I'm from aloud but I live in Manchester why have you come on Britain's Got I've come to make the people laugh I am a comedian I would love the winner of Britain's Got Talent this year to be a comedian oh no pressure no pressure who are you here with so I'm here just alone I have my brother no no he wanted to come he's a doctor and he was like either I should save lives or come with you well your parrot is disappointed that one of you is a comedian one of you was a doctor they were absolutely horrified because I was studying computer programming so I had a future oh darling good luck okay excellent [Applause] well I'm at that age now all my friends are getting married and married people forget how horrible it is being single they love to call me and complain about their company problems I always get you're so lucky being single I get home my wife just starts nagging nag nag nag up like I have to nag myself I get home like what time do I call this business sometimes I think I don't appreciate myself [Laughter] I haven't always been a comedian I did some weird jobs I used to clean houses and I'll admit I was tempted to steal I didn't steal cuz the Bible says thou shalt not steal but nowhere does it say thou shalt not swap I took a stereo left a Walkman took a plasma screen left an etch-a-sketch [Applause] now's like that should I am from Africa I moved here ten years ago and immediately I moved here I heard a lot of British people talking about the financial crisis the recession I'm from Africa what are you maniacs talking about you call that a crisis if that's a crisis where's UNICEF where is bono not seen one save the UK concert you can tell me it's a financial crisis when their planes flying over Birmingham tossing fish and chips [Laughter] it will be in a financial crisis when their ads on television saying this chap has to walk five miles are there to get a bottle of wkd blue you have got a financial crisis when India starts opening call centres here and you imagine some pro guide Mumbai calls back ends up talking to a Brahmi thank you so much [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] he's a fairy tale of love thank you this is the story about love when a guy eats a girl in a bar he sees a girl only wants to say he's a great big [Music] she looked lovely the dress that night she was wearing was she wasn't looking at it so he showed her his best dance moves [Music] hey thirsty one drink what you want fair enough it looks the guy in says I'm sorry I've got a little toilet don't go he says please don't go [Music] the girl comes back [Music] [Applause] hey but I came back to my place for a coffee the guy says hey the guy got the girl and now they be together for 45 years is the fairytale table thank you hi who are you I'm Josh or Leo what are you gonna do for us today I'm a stand-up comedian how old are you I'm 12 12 years old where you from I'm from White Plains New York White Plains New York there you go what grade are you in I'm insist sixth grade yeah have you done stand-up before this is my first time [Applause] you know just as brothers as brothers I think he's an idiot so Josh or lien yeah making your comedy debut anyway give it a shot all right what an honor to be auditioning in front of the best judges in the world here at America's Got Talent but I have to say though it took me such a long time to get here in front of you when I first got here and saw the line of people waiting to audition my father said to me wow this is so much longer than I expected it to be the last time I heard those words I was on my doctor getting a physical I have some exciting news I just had my first date a girl from my class came over to my house the other day and as her mother was leaving she told my friend remember you're allergic to nuts all I can think all I can think to myself as well there go my plans for the afternoon for a long time I wanted to be a circus performer and my parents even sent me to circus camp I learned how to juggle how to ride a unicycle and I came home from camp one day telling my mother I wanted to learn a new trick I wanted to learn how to be a sword swallower she said no way we'll let you do other things we're not gonna let you be a sword swallower so I was upset and I want to talk to my dad about this he said I'm not surprised your mother hasn't been interested in sort of--and since we got engaged I was in the circus what's your name and where you from my name is Scott heuerman and I'm from like I don't even know them and I'm from Lexington Kentucky what are you gonna be doing for us today I'm going to be doing comedy do you always dress up when you do your comedy um usually I just dressed up if I'm like at home cooking or cleaning but are you making a living with comedy no I'm a pizza delivery boy you deliver pizza do you do dress like this oh I'm doing pizza like 12 inches of snow in Kentucky but I key I have the pink eyebrow always so I deliver pizza with a little bit of something but not a lot are you single cuz Nick's newly single I think we should go on a date look at his shoes they're sparkly is mine look go for it I can't wait okay well hello everybody it's a little bit about me I'm adopted which basically means my original family said no thank you my sister's actually adopted - my mom can't have kids because she's emotionally unavailable for committed relationships my sister growing up was the golden child like when she graduated high school my parents threw her a huge party and I got nothing when I dropped out there was like Scott why can't you be more like your sister I'm like how's this [Applause] but actually I haven't always looked like this true story starring me I used to be 300 pounds can you believe that gasps Mel B yes hi D can you believe that I believe you I miss being fat you know I miss being able to wear a t-shirt and sweatpants to formal events and people being totally fine with that you know really just love growing up besides skinny people and kids whose parents kept them to the Girl Scouts I was in the Boy Scouts my mom signed me up for Boy Scouts but while the Girl Scouts were sipping soda over at the Holiday Inn Express watching The Little Mermaid for their marine time under the sea funtime patch I was in the middle of buck-toothed Kentucky trying to survive off testosterone and trail mix I'm talking about power up boys we brought you out here to teach you survival skills oh really why don't you teach me how to do my taxes why don't you teach me how to deal with a breakup text okay what is your name my name is Jody Miller Jody nice to meet you nice to meet you and what will you be doing for us today uh hopefully making your laughs I'm a comedian I knew it when I walked on I said I hope she's a comedian and yes you are you are a genius I am you are a genius thank you no I am I said I am do you make a living being a comedian I would love to say yes I do not I have several other jobs and what do you do I deliver groceries to other people that can afford to pay me to deliver their groceries okay so now I know that there are seven different types of figs that wealthy people eat well I wish you good luck okay I hope you gonna make us all laugh there we go no pressure there okay so it's a huge misconception that guys are like dogs and women are like cats we have it backwards okay guys you're like cats you're aloof and emotionally unavailable women are exactly like dogs we're exactly like dogs like hey where you going we're good we're gonna wait right here I'm gonna wait right here I'm gonna wait right here I'm gonna wait right here I'm gonna wait right here shoes guys you're like cats you're like oh you're home okay so this is what's gonna happen you're gonna feed me then I'm gonna stare with the window at nothing then I'm gonna pass on the bathroom deal three have a deal whoo women are like dogs we clean up after ourselves right ladies you ever seen a dog vomit eats it right back up usually does in your private eaten up no evidence you don't even know what's happened guys are like cats you'll just puke anywhere and make a huge scene about it and then you're like oh my god can you clean that up it's so gross oh I don't want to touch it here comes a dog I got it I got it I totally got it women are like dogs we need to be groomed shampoo condition blow dry fluffy cats you're like what I'm dirty under hello hello how are you I'm very good my name is Leo lie tell how old you leo I'm 15 years old 15 years old good for you getting up on this yep what do you do I am a stand-up comedian ah good 15 now what's the largest group you ever performed in front of 40 people something like that so this is far and away the biggest group now are you able to go to a club and actually perform are you too young Oh sometimes there are restrictions like my mom had to learn a bunch of the liquor laws like sometimes they'll let me out sometimes they won't and sometimes they stamp my hands with these little X's to make sure I can't get drinks at the bar I see the stage is yours and good luck okay okay start again right hello my name is Leo light L I am 15 years old and I'm a single I've been single let's see here pretty much my whole life pretty sure it's because I'm unemployed I look at home with my parents and I don't have a car these are all big red flags it's why I don't get much attention on match.com I do however have a lot of success on tinder where I am a buff 28 year old Georgetown medical student with a portion a trust fund now I'm a teenager so I'm in that awkward phase of life I'm kind of a mutant creature part adult part child but I look back on the early years of childhood fondly you know those good old memories like when you get in the van and turns out the man doesn't have any candy of course nowadays candy won't cut it we're in the 21st century you need something like free Wi-Fi doubt the ante that's really all the kid wants anymore speaking from experience and I want to thank my mom and dad for being so supportive of my comedy my mom helps me book gigs and my dad helps me write my material so I like to think I'm pretty far along in the entertainment industry because I've got two things that a lot of people strive to have I have a Jewish writer and my agent is a girl I used to sleep with [Applause] hello my name is Derek Santos you seemed a little bit nervous are you not at all haha Derek what do you do for a living well I'm a security guard in recent charity guard yep and what is it you guard a empty parking lot so I imagine having that job at the parking lot you've got to be great with the ladies so micro yeah you can't tell um do you have a girlfriend I do have a girlfriend she's here oh no kidding yep somewhere out there and and and still looking for are you in a serious relationship yes well I like to think it is how many years have you been with it three years three whole years are you starting to think about perhaps proposing or I would like to I mean that's why I'm here I think I'd like to be able to propose to my girlfriend with more than just the onion ring right in other words you don't have money for a ring so you're waiting tensions of money now what about her parents are they disappointed in her decision to date here very much so is it the job or is it your just your demeanor I mean being a comedian I don't think they believe in that wouldn't it be great revenge if you could win the million dollars oh yeah and you're this funny guy and suddenly then the parents will be like oh yeah Derek's a great guy we always loved him wouldn't that be the fan yeah well then I wouldn't speak to him anymore right how I do it this is your big moment stage is yours good luck awesome alright here we go so my parents are really weird my mom dresses up like my dad and my dad dresses up like my mom they're transparent [Applause] oh yeah they're a real drag so I've been wearing diapers recently you guys I usually only wear diapers for two reasons number one and number two I'm going bananas is what I tell my bananas before I leave the house I'm going bananas oh I'm glad you guys found that appealing I hate it when my friends ask me to do them a solid especially when I've been eating grapes all day all right guys I'm gonna leave you guys on a high note here what's your name and where you from my name is DJ Demers and I'm from Canada how old are you DJ from Canada I do stand-up comedy no how old are you well I am 30 so that was not the correct answer at all do I also wear hearing aid so that's why I didn't hear you right yeah you do okay yeah yeah so I wear hearing aids I'm from Canada to disabilities so sorry Howie so listen this is your stage makers laughs thank you I am I said I we're here in it so I watch all my movies and TV shows with the subtitles on my favorite is when the subtitle says indistinct chatter oh thank god it's not just me then I those indistinct for everybody fake yeah my partner actually recently broke up thank you thanks but they're really quiet in here for a second we did it no it did I heard that they hear you now yeah [Laughter] now I know why it got quiet though right it's because I said partner as soon as somebody says partner and you don't know them well you can't even focus on the rest of the conversation you just trying to solve the mystery partner huh you're all looking at me trying to crack the case right now I can feel it you're like well he's kinda got a list but that could be the hearing impaired don't know what to attribute that to now he and me and my girlfriend broke up to clear up that mystery thank you because I realized those gay [Applause] thank you yet from me [Applause] [Music] good evening welcome to America's Got Talent's afraid no I don't know what's gonna happen and you are you are you what you have a name taped your taped what are you going to be doing you don't know so what is this maybe will will we talk after maybe okay I love a mystery go ahead and do what it is you do [Music] there's only in my the only thing the hands cry my [Music] you [Music] [Applause] you [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] never sing [Music] I've never seen you shine [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] two three [Applause] [Applause] you forgot your bra you forgot your bra [Music]

Channel: undefined

Views: 5,531,026

Rating: 4.8047552 out of 5

Keywords: comedy auditions, funny auditions, americas got talent auditions, britains got talent auditions, americas got talent comedy autidion, most funny auditions, funiest auditions, best comedy auditions ever, america's got talent funniest auditions, britains got talent funniest auditions, americas got talent comedy auditions, agt comedy auditions, bgt comedy auditions, funniest auditions on got talent, bes comedy auditions ever, funniest

Id: htDjVa0MSgY

Length: 31min 28sec (1888 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 17 2018