- Hey, welcome to Ruining History. Today, we're talking popes, bad, bad popes. - Not a lot of context to go off of there. I mean, you don't really give me a lot to be excited about. - Bad popes, I said. - Bad popes. - That could be a lot of things. - You guys are excited, though. - I'm excited. I'm ready to -- - Well, they're fine over here, so. (dramatic patriotic music) - What's the difference between being Catholic and Roman Catholic? - You're in Rome. - Don't know if that's it. (laughing) - If you're in Rome,
and you're a Catholic -- - When you're in Rome. - We gonna talk about demons? - Uh, they might make an appearance. - I don't like demons. - You don't? - No, I like talking about demons. I just don't wanna like -- - This guy's got some. - What? - Inner demons. - Well, we all have inner demons. - [Shane] There are so many
popes, hundreds of 'em. Big popes, little popes,
look, there's five popes. No idea who they are. Five more. See? Too many popes, so it's only natural that there's gonna be some
stinkers in the bunch. With that in mind, let's take a look at three putrid popes, rotten to the core. These popes are no good. Let's begin our journey with
the story of a little pope who just couldn't quit being pope no matter how hard he tried. Benedict the IX. It's rumored that Benedict
was only 10 to 12 years old, upon becoming pope. Some argue he was closer to his late 20s. Not sure how a detail like that becomes so muddled in the history books, but let's just imagine
him as a rambunctious teen for the fun of it. - Aww, the littlest pope. - So there it is. There's a young pope right there. - Yeah, what, did they vote on that? - Have we established that pope is not established by lineage? - No, it's not. - So then why a little boy, then? - Nepotism. - He probably did really good in his first communion classes, where they were like, bump him up, and they he just made it. - This one's going to the top! Benedict's uncle was
actually Pope John XIX, and when Jack kicked the bucket in 1032, Benedict's father bribed
the electing committee to put his son in the hot seat. So there's some nepotism. - Does that mean there was someone else running out there, who was
like, meant to be pope, do you know what I mean? Who was like, I've been
talking to God this whole time. - Sort of like a sports upset. - Like the Patriots and their ball. - Yeah, like the Patriots and their ball. - No, that Deflategate, it's not -- - It's sort of like a
Deflategate situation. - Yeah, that's a Deflategate. - [Shane] Things got off
to a rocky start for him. In 1033, about a year into his papacy, an opposing faction entered
St. Peter's Basilica, with the intent to
murder themselves a pope, but it seems they suspected that if they entered with swords, someone might say, "Hey, what are you doing?" So they decided to murder
that pope with rope. - Yeah, swords would be hard to get through the metal detectors. - Yeah, just a strange way to kill a man. - It's pretty common. - Yeah, I've seen it in many, turn around. Just like, easily.
- But to assassinate someone? - Yes! - You're acting like he assassinated him with a string of hot dogs. It's a fucking rope. - [Shane] When the time
came to execute their plan, things were thrown into
disarray by a solar eclipse, and maybe they didn't
know much about astronomy, because it rattled them so much that they gave up entirely. - They probably thought
that it was God's wrath. - Yeah, like I guess that's fair. I mean, sure, we're all
pretty intelligent now, but if you're about to kill someone who allegedly has a direct line -- - Has a telephone to God, yeah. - And the sun suddenly turns black. - I'd be terrified.
- That's real. I've canceled plans 'cause it rains. (laughing) - [Shane] Whether or not they believed Benedict had command over
the sky is debatable, but the Roman people sure
had their suspicions. Rumors amongst the populace were that Benedict kept
magic books in his home, spoke with demons at night,
and used his dark powers to seduce women. - Whoo.
- Wait. But were popes allowed to
marry and fuck back then? - No. No, they weren't. - Were they allowed to marry and. - [Shane] You should Google that. - Yeah, and marry. - Google, "Can popes fuck?" - [Shane] Over the years, his scandalous personal life and declining public image eventually caught up with him, and in September of 1044, growing resentment forced
him to flee the city. A few months later, in
the power vacuum created by his absence, another powerful family installed their local bishop
as pope, Sylvester III, in January of 1045. Benedict didn't seem cool with this, because he showed up two months later, and excommunicated Sylvester III, so Ben's pope again now. Double pope! And then two months later, he was no longer pope. - He came back? - He just walked back into town, told the current pope, "Get out of here," - I can imagine, this
is the 13, 12 year old, marching back in there. - Just kicking down the door, riding in on his skateboard. - He should've called
himself Pope Tweetybird. - That's cute.
- What? - 'Cause Pope Sylvester. - Oh, boy. - [Shane] He handed the
papacy to his godfather, who became Pope Gregory VI, after giving Benedict a lot of money. Some think Benedict stepped
away from the papacy because his unpopularity
with the Roman people was getting to him. Others have speculated
he wanted to get married, a thing popes can't do. - But can you masturbate? 'Cause I'll say this. I was actually a monk -- - Is this real? - [Ryan] This is a real story. - It was like a few weeks, but -- - [Shane] Oh, okay. - Two weeks as a month, but when you're there, you can stroke it, but nothing -- - You can't conclude? - You can't finish, you can't, you know, 'cause you don't wanna ruin the sheets. - Wait, hold on. So you just were walking
around with blue balls the whole day? - For two weeks, essentially, yes. - That seems worse than
actually stopping altogether, cold turkey. - I was 17, the hormones were raging. You know. - So you're gonna then blue ball yourself? - I was sadistic. (laughing) - [Shane] Benedict retreated
to his family property, near Tusculum. Wow, scenic! Not sure what he did here. Maybe whittled or something? Thought about how much
he missed his big hat? I don't know. During his getaway, other
popes came and went. Gregory, for instance, was officially deposed
by Emperor Henry III. Clement II was appointed, then died suddenly eight months later. Popes are just flying through here. - That's crazy. - Nowadays, they seem to
last for quite awhile, but -- - Yeah. - Except for that guy
before the current pope, who was like, I'm done! - He left? - Yeah, he retired. - He didn't even die. He just, he quit. - He's alive. - He's capable of doing the job, he just decided not to? - Yeah. - He probably saw a picture of Boca Raton, and was like, what the fuck am I doing? I gotta get to Boca! - [Shane] And maybe Benedict
did miss that big hat, because in November of 1047, he returned to Rome and
made himself pope again. Triple popehood. Not sure how you just
insist you're the pope, but this guy did, some say through bribery. Less than a year later, Henry III had him ejected from the throne. Benedict went back to
his home in Tusculum, where he continued to declare
himself the rightful pope. He died about a decade later. - The senile -- - I'm gonna be a pope over there. (laughing) I'm still the pope. (laughing) - I love that it's like,
ugh, that's just grandpa. He's always saying he's the pope. He ain't the pope. - Like his kids, yeah, his
kids didn't believe him. Sure, you were. Three times, uh-huh. Benedict's legacy, largely, was that he was the first man in history to sell the papacy, which maybe doesn't
sound all that dramatic, but when it comes to the pope, that is some juicy behavior. Look at the reputation it gave him. St. Peter Damian called him a quote, "demon from hell in the
disguise of a priest," and Pope Victor III called
Benedict's papacy, quote, "so vile, so foul, so execrable," that he shudders to think of it. - But why are they coming so hard for him? He didn't kill anyone. I've heard of worse priests in America. - It does sound a little tad dramatic. - He probably knew that if he said that, he was gonna go viral, he probably be like, if
I call the pope a demon, everyone's gonna talk about it. - Put your Chapstick away. So that we know that about the pope, we're gonna bring him out right now. Pope Benedict IX. (choral singing) - Here's like a picture of him. Yes. - Hey, how's it going? How's it going? You're a good Catholic, right? - Yes. - Great, that's great. - Anybody have any questions for, uh -- - What were you thinking
when you sold your uncle your popehood? - Things were kinda tough. You know. You find yourself in this situation, young with money, you figure it out. You take the lessons, you take the lumps, and then you come back stronger than ever. - Stronger than ever? - Yeah. - So relatable. - Let's do it three times. Three times, baby. Threepeat. - So you stepped away from
the papacy a few times, but you always came back. What's the logic there? I don't understand it. - Well, it's a good point. No one's ever asked me that. I think the grass is
always greener, right? Especially for a, where'd I go and live at when I died? To Tuscany? To Tucky-loom? - Tusculum. - Tusculum, sweet tomato. That's fantastic. - You did go to some castles, too. What'd you think of those? - Great castles. - You didn't do that. I just made that up. - Uh, you talking about here, but you don't think the pope's been to a couple castles? Come on, dude. - You trying to entrap the pope here? - I just did. - You didn't. (laughing) - All right, let's rate
this nasty pope now. On a scale to zero to 10, 10 being this is one, no good nasty pope, zero being, not a bad guy. (dramatic music) All right, let's go down the line. You give him a three. - I give you a three. I think you're pretty cool. You could improve a little bit on the presentation, essentially, but I'm cool with everything you did. - [Benedict] Well, thank you. - I also gave a three, and I feel that you're just
a troubled youth, you know? You were rambunctious. You went around, you
did some naughty things, but you know, we've all been there. - Not bad.
- You guys are great. - Yeah, I gave him a four. - You also have a dog saying it's cold, and taking a poop. - Yeah, I think you give any young person a lot of power, he's gonna do some things that are unsavory, and you know what? I don't blame him. I don't think he was that bad. - Sara? - Six. - Now you're a little less forgiving than the rest of these people. - I think that because he sold the seat, that is a bad thing to do, if you're pope. - Any response to that? - You know, when you're
right, you're right. (laughing) - Well, Pope Benedict IX, thanks for visiting us. - Yeah, no problem. (cheering and applauding intermittently) - We got more popes to talk about. - Oh, you're taking your chair with you. - That's his. Our grand tour of naughty popes continues with Pope Alexander XI. He served from 1492 until 1503. Alexander was a member of
the powerful Borgia family, and would become known for his corruption, and whether or not he was
truly morally bankrupt. His whole life seems to be
shrouded in salacious rumors, and let the record show that
he is absolutely featured on a Wikipedia entry titled, List of Sexually Active Popes. Ugh, yuck. (laughing) - So he actually is a PILF. - Yes.
- Yeah. He's PILFing, all right. - [Shane] Before we get into the juice, let's give him some pope
points for his accomplishments. He was known for being a
staunch patron of the arts, even hiring Michelangelo to draw plans for the rebuilding of
St. Peter's Basilica. That's a get. So big art guy. Now let's drag this pope. First things first, Alexander walked into the papacy
with a pretty bad rap sheet from his time as a cardinal. He lined his pockets by committing simony, aka, straight up selling church offices. That's bad. Bad, bad, bad. His time as a cardinal was also marked by some pretty freaky
Eyes Wide Shut stuff. Author William Manchester
notes that Pope Pious II once attended one the cardinal's parties, and noticed that, quote, "none of the allurements
of love was lacking," and that despite all the
beautiful women of Sienna being in attendance, none of their male
counterparts were there. Pope Pious suspected
that this was done quote, "in order that lust be unrestrained." - I'm already giving him a zero. I like him. - You like this guy?
- Yeah. - You're into it. - Yeah. - He's a party pope. - Yeah, I'm into that. - I think this was when
he was a cardinal, right? - This is when he was a cardinal. - Ah, I see. - Oh, see, he's not even a pope yet? - Not even a pope yet. - Live your life. - [Shane] Alexander's lust
would remain unrestrained, well beyond his years as cardinal, and while some of his seedier actions are still subject to speculation, the fact that he fathered
four illegitimate children with a married Roman noblewoman is pretty cut and dry. Manchester says that Alexander's, quote, "enjoyment of the flesh was enhanced "when the woman beneath him was married, "particularly if he had
presided at her wedding. "Breaking any commandment excited him, "but he was partial the seventh." Ooh, that is one sick pope. - I bet all the other people, you know how they, I guess, vote or choose who's gonna be pope, they probably wanted to go to the parties, and they were like, if we get this guy in as pope. - Oh, shit. - He already throws good enough parties as a poor cardinal. You give him a a palace? - He's gonna make it into a porno palace. - Yeah, give him the resources, and we'll have fun. - Yeah.
- Great. - Well, Alexander's celebration of flesh was on full display at the papal palace. According to Manchester, guests at papal parties were
said to have been greeted by living statues, glittering men and women
frozen in X-rated poses. - Porno palace, there it is. - Oh my goodness. - There's the porno palace. The guys knew what they were buying. - [Shane] And maybe most salacious of all is the Banquet of the Chestnuts, which is, bear with me here. This was documented by Johannes Bruchard, who was admittedly not a
fan of the Borgia family. Some historians, and
even his contemporaries have dismissed this as outright slander, but Bruchard claims to
have witnessed this, so here we go. The banquet was allegedly arranged by the pope's illegitimate son, Cesare, who he had named cardinal
because, uh, nepotism. Bruchard says that among the guests, both Pope Alexander and
his illegitimate daughter were also in attendance. After dinner, guests enjoyed the company of 50 courtesans, who
danced their clothes away. As for the rest, I'll
Bruchard do the talking. "After the dinner, the candelabra
with the burning candles "were taken from the tables
and placed on the floor, "and chestnuts were strewn around, "which the naked courtesans picked up, "creeping on hands and knees "between the chandeliers, "while the Pope, Cesare, and
his sister Lucretia looked on." This is when, according to Manchester, "the serious sex started." As guests began to pair off
with their courtesans, quote, "servants kept score
of each man's orgasms, "for the pope greatly admired virility, "and measured a man's machismo
by his ejaculative capacity. "After everyone was exhausted, "his holiness distributed prizes - "cloaks, boots, caps,
and fine silken tunics." - Oh, I would love a silk tunic. (laughing) - Well, I hope you can ejaculate a lot, 'cause that's the only
way you would get one. - Is it how much you ejaculated, or how far it went? - I think it's how many -- - Orgasms you had.
- Orgasm you have. - After awhile you'd be blowing out smoke. - I hate this video so much. - [Shane] Alexander's life
remained thoroughly saucy, even into his twilight years. He would go on to pick up
another married noblewoman, and was believed to
have fathered, in total, seven to nine children. That's a lot. Author Mandell Creighton writes, even at the age of 62, quote, "Alexander still possessed the power "of drawing women to him
as a magnet draws iron." Alexander's papacy ended
with his death in 1503. He was 72 years old, and his death was likely caused
by malaria or the plague, though some hold the belief
that he was poisoned, and considering his habit of
sleeping with married women, it doesn't seem unreasonable. Once again, we are blessed
with the appearance of a historical re-enactor, in the role of Pope Alexander XI. Let's bring him out. (cheering) - Walks in with a folding chair. (laughing) - How's it going, guys? - Nice mane. - Thank you. - That's very Steven Tyler-esque. - You look like you just
came from a chestnut party. - They're so good, aren't they? (laughing) - We don't know. - Yeah, I think they're good. You guys should just have 'em. - So normally, popes don't have any sex. - Uh-huh. - Why did you choose to
do the opposite of that? - You had the most sex. - Yeah. - Well, I wanted to have sex. (laughing) That was the starting point. - So the pope has a direct line to God. What did he think about all these, this bumping uglies? - My interpretation of the
conversation I had with God was, let's just say, we -- - Hashed it out. - Yeah, he has his way of looking at it. There's a way we both look at it. There is a gray area, and there's certainly
my way of doing things. - So you're saying that the
Bible is a pirate's code. Guidelines. - Yeah, actually, yeah. I'll go ahead and say that. Some parts of it, yeah,
don't kill anybody. That's real. Take that at face value. (laughing) - That's what I've been saying. Fuck around if you want. Just don't murder people. - Why don't we rate
this pope on our nasty. Once again, zero being
hey, this guy's all right, 10 being this is one nasty pope. Sara, what do you got? - Eight. That's one nasty pope. - That is one nasty pope. - It sounds a little rough. I get it. - I mean, nasty. - There's worse popes than me. - But I did also give you
the sexiest looking number. - Oh, curvy. - Let me get a better shot, ooh, peek at that number, yeah. - Ooh, God. Don't show him that. - Put it away.
- Don't show it to him. - All right. Ryan, what do you got? - I gave him a seven, and now I kinda want to
change it to an eight. - Seven's kind of a sexy number, too. Seven. - Don't look at my number. Jesus Christ. - Reminds me of how many kids I had. Ooh, ah. - No, I'm changing retroactively. We're going to eight. (laughing) I'm changing it to an eight. It's an eight. - It's because of that. - It's an eight now. - Mine is a, I gave you, it's a six that I pivoted from a five. I did remember the whole thing with the married women, and that's kind of not really cool. - Right, yeah, that wasn't cool. That wasn't cool. - I gave you a six. You're getting close to the line, but I'm still cool with it. - At least there's symmetry
on both sides here. - I like you guys. You guys are all right. - Pope Alexander, thank you for gracing us with your presence. (applauding) - Thanks, Pope. - Look, I understand
that these popes aren't, they're not Jeffrey Dahmer, but you have to look at this with -- - Your history glasses. - Your history glasses. Everybody put 'em on. See that? Things are different now. This is one bad pope. And finally, the story of a pope on trial, but with a very strange twist. It begins with Formosus, who became pope in the year 891, and allow me to say that this pope was straight sloppy. Case in point, at the
time of his appointment, Pope Formosus was still
bishop of Porto, Italy, and holding two such
positions was illegal, so there, see? Already a bit of a naughty pope. Lucky for him, nobody seemed to care. Around 892, a year into his papacy, Formosus was being pressured
by the emperor of Rome, Guido of the Spoleto family, to crown his son Lambert, as the co-ruler. Formosus was not having it, but when Guido died a few years later, his son presumably expected
to be named emperor and enjoy his time in the sun. Formosus, however, appointed Arnulf, king of the Francs. Upset! Lambert didn't like that one bit, and the Spoleto family sought
to exact their revenge. But before they could, Pope Formosus died of natural causes, in April of 896, and if you think that's
the end of his story, oh, then you don't know
nothing about popes. - So he's dead. - Yeah. - I'm seeing a significant energy drop from fucking Sex Party McGee back there. We're talking about people legit splooging on each other's chests, and eating chestnuts, and then we get to this guy, and you're like, ooh, he broke a rule. - This was a big, big
rule to break, though. - Wait, did we really build up to this? - Oh, there's more. - Oh, okay. (laughing) - [Shane] Pope Boniface
XI succeeded Formosus, and he died 15 days into his papacy. He got the gout! Next pope. After the passing of Boniface XI, the Spoleto family used their influence to elect Stephen XI to the papacy, and it turns out that Steven XI was allegedly, just as guilty as Formosus when it came to the whole ruling over two dioceses at once thing, because he held two
overlapping bishop positions in his past, unbelievable. Him, too! - Wow. - Is this juicy? - It's fucked up, for sure. - Thank you. - You mean to say, he
had two jobs at once. - Yeah. - He took too much work. - That's bad. - He's a workaholic! - Well, don't make it sound commendable. - 10. - No, no, just you wait.
- 10. - [Shane] Now Stephen could
get into trouble for that, but he could also, most likely, prevent any charges being thrown his way, if he gained the favor of
the powerful Spoleto family, and remember, the
Spoletos were not big fans of the late Pope Formosus, and had them planning their revenge on him when he went and spoiled
their fun by dying. So by one account, Pope Steven VI and
Lambert of the Spoletos, conspired to bring disgrace
to the deceased Formosus and have all his acts annulled. What they decided to do, was put him on trial for that whole messy bishop thing that nobody seemed to
mind when he was alive. - They. I wrote, "The story sucks." - I see. If you're asking, how exactly do you put a dead guy on trial? Well, the answer apparently is
that put a dead guy on trial. They dug up the dead pope's decaying body, dressed him in priestly attire, and placed him on the venerable seat of Roman pontiffs. - Are you joshing me? (laughing) - No. He had been decaying for nine months. They took out his body. The way that this whole trial played out was kind of insane, but maybe everyone was too distracted by the rotting corpse to care. Keep in mind, he'd been dead
for nine months at this point, so he probably didn't look swell. The panel of judges was heavily biased, consisting of bishops who were
either in Stephen's favor, or too meek to oppose him. - What would happen if they said no? - That's what I'm saying, it's a big balls move. Like he's bringing out a dead guy's body, so they're like, oh, I'm not
gonna fuck with this guy. - Big chestnuts on this guy. - Big chestnuts. - [Shane] During the trial, Stephen would work himself
up into fits of rage, screaming at the lifeless corpse, and mocking its silence. (laughing) - That's amazing. - Mocking his silence? - This must have been a hot ticket. - [Shane] Meanwhile, a
teenage deacon was tasked with responding on the corpse's behalf, which seems stressful. (laughing) - He goes like this, you know, when he whispers to ear. Oh, so what he's saying -- (laughing) - [Shane] In the end,
to no one's surprise, Formosus was found guilty of perjury, and breaking canon law. The corpse was stripped of its vestments, three of its fingers were cut off, and according to one source, it was dumped into a common grave. Then it is said that
Stephen ordered the corpse to be dug up again and
thrown into the Tiber River, though as the story goes, it was later fished out of the river, and re-buried again. - Leave this poor pope alone! - He's just trying to be dead. - I just imagine the guy who was tasked with the voice of this dead man, if he kept doing it as they
were cutting his fingers off. Like, oh, my fucking fingers! Oh, shit! Don't throw me off the bridge! - [Shane] Following this whole ordeal, the public, shockingly, began to think that Pope
Stephen wasn't so great, and even the Spoletos
distanced themselves from him, and that was a good move on their part, because Pope Stephen was
eventually captured by a mob, thrown in prison, and strangled. - I'd like to see what
this pope looks like. - You wanna bring out this pope? All right. Let's bring him out. Stephen XI. - That's an interesting wig. - Yeah. - You, sir, you have a
lot of explaining to do. - Mm, like about what, exactly? - Why did you hate that guy so much? - Uh, dumb reasons, mostly. You know, he did some things this way, oh, well, you know, I do things this way. A lot of people were like, well, you know, we really like the way. Oh, well, you like the way? You know, a lot of that. - Yeah.
- Oh. - Right, right, you know, after this whole crazy trial, you did it, you got him dead to rights. - Right. - Dead to rights. - I'm with you, man. (laughing) - How does it feel when suddenly, the public turns their back on you? - I was surprised. I felt stupid. I should've listened to
a lot of other people who tried to stop me, who tried to tell me
the right thing to do. - Wait, you mean there was people that were like, hey, maybe you shouldn't have
put a dead body on trial? - Only close, close confidantes. (laughing) - All right, well let's rate this pope. - I'm gonna give you a nine, and I'm gonna explain. Digging the dead body, fine. - You're okay with that, too? - I was at like a six right there. - Oh really? - Okay, whatever. Did you have to cut his fingers? - What's why I get three points? - That's fucked up. - One for each finger. - One for each finger. - Well, you had to know
when you were doing it that it was not, that's
not a normal thing to do. - Yeah, but I thought he's already dead. Like he ain't gonna feel it. - You know what? You got me. Eight, an eighth. - Eight. - I'm actually just
gonna give you a three. - Oh!
- Oh, shit! - I'll say, I'll this, why. You know what? I think you're a showman. You're a thespian, and I admire the theatricality of it all. - So he's the PT Barnum of popes. - Exactly, yeah. - I can relate. - Thank you. - [Shane] Ryan, what give this pope? - I'm gonna give him a seven. - [Shane] And why is that? - I think we've all been in a bit that went on a little too long. - [Sara] My turn?
- Sara. - I said 100. (rapid computer beeping) - 100?!
- So nasty. - Sara's not a fan.
- No. - Wait, why? - That's higher than a 10. - 'Cause he dug up dead body. - So there's no one in
history you would dig up? No dead person's dead,
you wouldn't dig 'em up -- - You do understand not
everybody has a primal urge to dig up a dead body
and yell at it, right? - Now that I can relate to. - Okay. All right, well that's
been our tour of popes. Is it illuminating to
find out that popes are a little bit more human? - It interesting to
see these men in power. Makes me wonder what the types of things my abbot at monastery was up to. - Mm.
- Shit. - Oh, shit. - You know, it was a long time ago. I feel like everybody
was fucked up back then, so I don't hold the whole Catholic church accountable for this. Not this. Other things I do. - Other things you do? - We've all messed up, and even a pope, who
you think is infallible, they've messed up, too. So be easy on yourself. - Oh.
- When? - What? - When have we messed up? - You dug up a dead body. - Mm, but that was a joke. - [Shane] And that's been the pope-isode. I don't know why I waited until now to call it the pope-isode. That's got a good ring to it. I should've been calling
it that left and right. The pope-isode. Well, I've had fun here. A lot of juicy pope content for you there. Hope you enjoyed it, pope you enjoyed it. That's stupid. That's been Ruining History! Thanks for learning with us. (choral music)
This episode didn't really have the oomph of the earlier episodes in the series. I still enjoyed it, but the Person King episode is a tough act to follow.