- Welcome to Ruining History, today we're gonna talk
a lot and learn a little about the ascension of Darius the Great. - Darius?
- His name's Darius? - That's a very modern name. I know seven Dariuses. - Maybe they were inspired by this. - All of them are average at best. (brash orchestral music) (bell ringing) - Do you know anything about Darius? - He's a DJ. - No, no, the Darius the Great.
- He's a DJ, he's a DJ and he owes me $40. (Garrick laughs) - He was a Persian king, he was known for uniting
the Persian empire. He was like the greatest Persian king. This story, to give you a little heads up, not really about Darius much at all so much as the weird chain of events that led to him becoming king. There are a lot of characters in this, so I'm going to, I have all
these little aids for you. Here's, we're gonna start
out with a guy named Cyrus. - First impression, that's Jesus. (traditional Middle Eastern music) - [Shane] First, there
was Cyrus the Great, founder of the Achaemenian Empire, which was sort of in this region here, around the sixth century B.C.E. Darius was actually a
distant relative of Cyrus, but the king didn't seem to care for him. As legend tells, he had a dream about the 20-year-old Darius. In it, the boy had quote
wings on his shoulders, the one wing overshadowing
Asia and the other Europe. Cyrus interpreted this as a sign that Darius was plotting against him. - And I think every ex-girlfriend I've had--
- Oh, yes. - Has gotten mad at me at some point when they've woken up and I
was mean to them in a dream. - Mm hmm. - And like, they take it
out on me in real life. - Yeah.
- So I get it. - [Garrick] Are you
sure Darius isn't a DJ? (all laughing) His friend's name is Cyrus. - He looks like he's in
The Polyphonic Spree. - [Shane] But it didn't
matter what Cyrus thought, because he was embroiled
in a conflict with Tomyris, the queen of the Massagetae, and after she slayed him in battle, what she did is, according to some
accounts, cut his head off, then dunked it in a skin full
of blood, like a gory Oreo, stating, "I make good my threat and give you your fill of blood." So, that's it for Cyrus. - What is a skin full of blood? - It's like a wine skin. - [All] Oh, okay. - That's like a savage.
- Yeah, so he's just... (all gasping) - Jesus Christ! - Now Cyrus has two sons,
Cambyses and Smerdis. Cambyses was described as quote an ardent, impetuous, and self-willed boy, such as the sons of rich and
powerful men are apt to become. And Smerdis was described as,
I don't know, his brother. (all laughing) Here's these two funny guys. - Hey! - You've got Cambyses, who's very stern. And this guy, who's just kinda chill. - Me Smerdis! (all laughing) - He's kind of got a Charlie Brown kind of tunic on, huh? - [Sara] Yeah, poor papa's head's missing. - I'll put them by their papa there. Being Cyrus' son, Cambyses
inherited the throne and very quickly decided to invade Egypt. People thought he was insane. And look, it's fair, because
he was kind of a reckless guy. While in Egypt, for instance, he asked to see their sacred bull. Then he stabbed it to death. (all laughing) - Oh my God. Oh my, Jesus.
- That's so funny. - It's just rude, I mean
that's really all it is. I mean you show up, you ask
to see their sacred bull. - Can I see your sacred bull? I promise I won't touch it. - Well it would take a long
time to stab a bull to death, so are they just like please
stop stabbing our bull. - Yeah, he's just staring
at them in the eyes while doing it, just. (Ryan laughing) - [Shane] Cambyses was also known for his fits of blinding rage and for making rash decisions
that we would later regret. Take for example, the story of Croesus. Croesus had been a close
friend and counselor to Cambyses' father Cyrus, who had asked him to watch over Cambyses. With that in mind, at
some point Croesus thought he would offer Cambyses
some constructive criticism. He warned the king that he had been treating his men cruelly. - How so, what was he doing? - He was just known to
be sort of reckless. There was one story about a guy who had told him that he
thought he drank too much. - I'm sure it didn't
end well for that guy. - And he said, okay, well if that's true, then I shouldn't be very
good at shooting a bow. So he called the man's son in, and he had him stand against a wall.
- Oh! - And he said, if I drink too much, then I'll probably miss this shot, and then he shot the
man's son in the heart. - Oh.
- Wow. - The man's son? - Uh huh.
- Yeah, that's way worse, I was imagining he was
just walking around, knocking people's swords
out of their hands, being a little dick.
- No, oh no. - That's way worse. - Maybe he was aiming for the face, and he was too drunk.
- Yes, yes. - Oh, I just meant to take out an eye. - Oh man, did you guys see that! - Oh, sorry about your son. - Either that or he had to play it off like that was his plan the whole time. - Yeah, he wakes up the
next morning and he's like oh, what did I do last night, tell me I didn't murder anybody's kid. - [Shane] Croesus warned the king that he'd been treating his men cruelly and that it wasn't a great
way to maintain their loyalty. Cambyses responded by telling
the supportive old man that he'd always hated him. He pulled out a bow and arrow
and Croesus fled the scene. - Does he have a bow and arrow
under his robe at all times? - Pulls out the bow and
arrow, where's your son, dog? (all laughing) - I love how this old
man knew it was coming. It's like oh shit, it's
heart shooting time. Time to hit the road. Cambyses ordered his officers to chase after the man and kill him. They did chase after him, but knowing the mad
kind would likely regret having his friend killed,
they hid Croesus away. Days later, when sure enough,
Cambyses expresses remorse for his actions, his men revealed that Croesus was still alive! Cambyses was overjoyed. He then had those officers
executed for disobeying him. - [Ryan] Whoops. (all laughing) - Jesus Christ, it's just literally killing the messenger. - You've brought me such joy,
where's my bow and arrow? (all laughing) - Bring me my bow and your sons. - Anyway, Cambyses had decided to bring his brother Smerdis along during his visit to Egypt. It's thought that he
was jealous of Smerdis and was worried that if he
left him alone in Persia, he might try to seize the throne. Since both brothers were
away from their hometown, Cambyses left a magian in charge of keeping an eye on his palace. Magians were basically
just a priestly class. I've got this big Persia set. - [All] Oh. - So Cambyses is worried that his brother is
going to seize the throne and to prevent this he puts a stranger, he gives the throne to a stranger? - I mean, presumably, it
was someone he trusted. - There's a lot of
paranoia in this family. - Why does he have red eyes? Is that just a artistic decision?
- He's a spooky, yeah he's a spooky magician. - Or he's just really high. - So in his free time,
he's a pot head magician. - All magicians are pot heads. - I feel like magicians are
probably more cocaine guys. - Really?
- Not David Blaine. - That's a sleepy man. - [Garrick] Yeah. - If David Blaine loves cocaine, I don't, I can't even imagine what David Blaine off of cocaine is like. - No one's ever had to tell
David Blaine calm down. (Sara laughs) - [Shane] Meanwhile in Egypt, Cambyses had a portentous dream about Smerdis in which
he saw his brother quote seated on a royal throne in Persia, his form expanded supernaturally
to such a prodigious size that he touched the heavens with his head. Fed up with Smerdis, he ordered him to leave
Egypt and return to Persia, then he seemingly remembered
why he had concerns about Smerdis being alone in
Persia in the first place, and called upon one of his men, Prexaspes. - [All] Oh! - Shit, I didn't know we
had a stylist in here. - Oh, that's like a Pharrell outfit. - Full disclosure, none of these drawings
are historically accurate. - All of these drawings
are historically accurate. - They might be, prove him wrong. - Prove me wrong. Cambyses called upon one
of his men, Prexasbis, to track down Smerdis and
secretly assassinate him. Prexasbis would so, and he succeeded. He returned to the king
to give him the good news about his murdered brother. Also, fun fact (laughs) I don't
really know where this falls in the story, I think
it happens after this, but Prexasbis is actually the guy who's son was killed by Cambyses. - No way! (all laughing) - It's kind of amazing. - Yeah. - Also sounds like a medication. - Prexasbis? - Ask your doctor if
Prexasbis is right for you. - [Shane] Shortly thereafter, Cambyses would receive some more news, some rather surprising news
considering the circumstances. In his absence, his throne
had been taken by Smerdis? Yeah by Smerdis. - The dead Smerdis? - So now we have this mysterious Smerdis. - So somebody posing as Smerdis. See this is why people
get verified on Twitter. Just so you know which
one's the real Smerdis. - Yeah right, right, right.
- It's true. - You should out a blue check
mark next to the Smerdis. (all laughing) - Wait a second, he has no thought that maybe this guy actually
just lied about his deed? - No, he's he trusts--
- He trusts that guy. - I just think that's odd, because if someone told me
they killed somebody for me, and then I find out later
that that person's now king, my first thought wouldn't be
oh, that must be an imposter. My first thought would be oh, he probably just didn't kill him.
- You're lying. (fast-paced Middle Eastern music) - [Shane] Cam was at first confused by this recent development. Until someone reminded him of a key detail that made it clear to him that this must have been a power grab by an opportunistic usurper. I'm going to leave that
detail a mystery for now so that you continue to watch this video. - Was nobody in the kingdom
like that's not Smerdis. - It's the beards, man. (all laughing) - [Ryan] I can't imagine that's it. - Once you have so many, so
much beard, you all look alike. - Alright, if you're Smerdis, what did I give you for
your birthday last year? - An urn?
- Silk? - Damn, it is Smerdis! - [Shane] Leaping into action, Cambyses hastily mounted his horse and accidentally stabbed himself in the thigh with his sword. Then, he died. But, before doing so, he instructed his noblemen to return home and seize the throne from Smerdis by whatever means necessary. - So he was preparing probably
a weeks long journey home. But was so excited to get on that horse that he stabbed himself? - Doesn't seem like it's that
hard to seize this throne. - Yeah that's true, how the
fuck did he just walk in? Was he just like oh is
anyone sitting there? No? Alright, well, okay, I guess
I'm king now, fuck yeah. - [Shane] The problem faced by Cambyses' band of
noblemen is that a good lot of the Persian population believed the man on the throne was
the real son of Cyrus. And with Cambyses now dead and the real Smerdis secretly murdered, they also believed this false
Smerdis was the rightful king. Prexasbis likely could
have cleared this all up, but he was keeping his mouth shut because secretly killing
a prince wasn't a thing you talked about. - There's only like one person still alive that knows that Smerdis is dead. - And that's--
- and he's probably gonna get in trouble if he reveals that he killed him.
- That's polka dot boy. - Yeah, he's the only one who knows that Smerdis is truly dead. - So those two are just
doing a bit this entire time, 'cause this guy knows he's not Smerdis and this guy knows he
killed the real Smerdis, so there's gotta be some
kind of weird tension going on there. - Maybe there will be. (Sara gasps) Probably there won't. - He's just gonna stab himself
in the leg and then die. (Garrett laughing) - Gonna kill himself
making a cup of coffee the way this shit's going. - [Shane] The false Smerdis
further protected his identity by remaining in seclusion
whenever possible, surrounding himself with those who had never met the real Smerdis. - That sounds exhausting, for
him to always have to discern whether or not they've
met the other Smerdis. - No man, you just go on Facebook and see how many mutual friends you have. (Sara sighs) - But imagine carrying the baggage of any interaction you enter thinking oh, this person may say you're an imposter and now I'm gonna get murdered. - That's actually what I think every day. You don't belong on this
history panel, get outta here. - I've been meaning to
talk to you, Garrett. (Garrett laughs) - He pulls out a bow and
arrow from the bottom-- (all laughing) - Bring out Garrett's son. - Oh no! - [Shane] Enter Otanes, a
nobleman with a sneaking suspicion that he knew the true identity of Smerdis. He recalled a man who many years earlier, had his ears cut off by
the late king Cyrus, R.I.P. Otanes believed this imposter
was the man on the throne. And he could prove it,
if only he could confirm the man was missing his ears. Problem was, the current
king Smerdis was never seen without a turban on his head. So, it was impossible to see
his ears or lack thereof. - That's astounding. That there's such a physical
deformity about this person. - Maybe he's just confused
about where he is, 'cause he can't hear so he's just like oh, this is my home. - You're not the king! What?
- Oh? We're having toast for breakfast? Sound good. - And wait a second, did the other Smerdis wear a
turban at all times as well? No one questioned questioned that all of a sudden he's wearing--
- No, but. - A turban everyday? - Yeah, but no one's gonna say, you're wearing a turban,
you're not who you are. - But I mean if I never wore a hat and then all of a sudden,
every day from now on I wore a hat, eventually you'd-- - I feel like Ryan's
going through something. - It is a pretty bold thing to be like, that guy's wearing a hat,
maybe he doesn't have any ears. (all laughing) - When you put it that way.
- It's like maybe he had a bad haircut. No, I bet his ears got chopped off. - [Shane] Otanes then devised a plan. His daughter, you see, was
a member of Smerdis' harem. He advised her to wait
until the king fell asleep, then check for ears. So she did. (dramatic music) No ears! (Sara gasps dramatically) - Can you imagine being like no Dad, I'm not gonna do that. (Ryan chuckles) - Like you think it's a bunch of bullshit, 'cause your insane father is like I think your husband doesn't have ears. (all laughing) - I know you don't like him, but-- - Just humoring him. - He also keeps his turban on while naked. - [Shane] Sure. - (laughs) That's a weird--
- He's like a never nude. - [Shane] Otanes had confirmed the identity of the false king. As he suspected, it was not
Smerdis, brother of Cambyses, but it was in fact a man also named Smerdis. (panelists laughing) - So, alright, this could have
all been a misunderstanding. - It really was. - It's just like--
- He was just like hey I'm Smerdis. Like the king?
- Are you back? - Just like, what, I'm sorry what? They're just like sit here and he's just like oh, alright. - Here's a harem, well don't mind if I do. - Everything's coming up Smerdis. - [Shane] It turns out, way back when Cambyses
and Smerdis left for Egypt and tasked a magian with
keeping an eye on their palace, the magian happened to have
a brother also named Smerdis, the man who's ears had
been cut off by Cyrus and who bore a striking
resemblance to the prince. And with Cambyses and
Smerdis causing a bunch of ruckus abroad, the magian
installed his brother Smerdis on the throne as an imposter, seemingly at the ideal time
considering the real Smerdis had just been secretly murdered. Upon piecing this plot together, Otanes assembled a group of noblemen to overthrow the false king. One of these noblemen happened to be... - (gasps) Is it our guy? - Darius! - [All] Yay! - Welcome back. - [Shane] Darius, our guy! Who had arrived after piecing
together the plot himself. - Darius figured this all out from abroad. - According to the story, Darius on his own just
put this all together and was like I better get back there. - The rate that information
spread back then was so slow. - Yeah I assume, I don't
have the time frame on this. I assume it takes place over 45 years. (all laughing) - [Shane] While the noblemen deliberated on the best approach, Smerdis and his brother
began to get nervous that rumors of their scheme
were beginning to spread. According to Abbott, quote, they conceived the plan
of inducing Prexaspes to declare in a more
public and formal manner that Smerdis had not been killed. As the noblemen readied
themselves to storm the palace, Prexaspes climbed atop a tower and began to address the
citizens, ready to assure them that the false Smerdis
was the rightful king. But the weight of his
lies had finally become too great to bear. Abbott states that quote, he decided, desperately
that he would go on in his course of falsehood, remorse, and wretchedness no longer. Instead of denying that
he had murdered Smerdis, he fully confessed to
the astonished audience that he had really committed that crime. He openly denounced the
reigning Smerdis as an imposter and called upon all who
heard him to rise at once, destroy the treacherous usurper, and vindicate the rights
of the true Persian line. - I'm just imagining like how we retweet and tweet about politics now. Can you imagine if it was like retweet Smerdis is an
imposter, has no ears. - There'd be a lot of Facebook propaganda about this, for sure. All of our aunts and uncles
would be Smerdis truthers. - Well he was about to pull a move of a major obstruction of justice. And then he had a change of heart you say? This change of heart here, to me, doesn't strike me as a
moment of conscience. It's more just he's seeing
where the tide is turning, it's self preservation,
get on the winning side. That's kinda what it seems like to me. - [Shane] With his burden finally lifted, Prexaspes must have known his
fate was sealed, but quote before the officers of the
king's household had time even to consider what to do,
Prexaspes coming abrupty to the conclusion of his
harangue threw himself headlong from the parapet of the tower and came down among them lifeless and mangled on the pavement below. (Prexaspes screaming) (body impacting ground) (townspeople screaming) - [Townsman] That's gotta hurt. - Well as to the question
of self-preservation, um... - Yeah it sucks that
there wasn't a hay bale underneath him so he could jump
into like Assassin's Creed. - Or like a pile of laundry. - Or a truck bed full of pillows. - Like how Aladdin escapes? (funky 8-bit music) - With chaos erupting
in the courtyard below, Darius, Otanes, and the
other noblemen walked right into the palace, ready to carry out their assassination. Initially, guards didn't
even attempt to stop them. They were noblemen, after all. They eventually made it to Smerdis' room, where he was waiting with
his brother the magian. The imposters made a run for
it, but were quickly caught. Darius made a slash at Smerdis, quote, the magian fell upon the floor and there, stabbed again through the heart by Darius' sword almost
immediately ceased to breathe. Nearby, the magian's
head was also removed. The imposter and his
brother had been slain. So, I'll remove their heads now. You want to hang on to that as a souvenir? Dude, why are you smiling at it? - You look so lovingly at it. - It's just really well done. - [Shane] Oh thank you, thanks. - Good little Smerdis. - Propping the usurpers' heads on pikes, the noblemen took to the street and explained the wicked
plot to the people of Persia. And just to be safe
they encouraged everyone to kill other magi if
at all possible, quote, before night, vast numbers
of them were slain. The seven noblemen, victorious
in slaying the imposter king, now had to decide how to rule the kingdom. After some back and
forth, it was determined to proceed with a monarchy, surprise. But the method they landed on to choose which of the seven noblemen
would take the throne was certainly something. Any guesses as to how they would decide who would take the throne. - Rock paper scissors.
- Oh, let's hear it. - One of those jelly
beans in a jar situation? - Who's got the cutest butt? - Who judges that? - Me! (panelists laughing) - Well here's their weird way of doing it. (traditional Middle Eastern music) It was decided that all seven
men would mount their horses and sit at the outskirts of the city. Whoever's horse was the first to neigh at sunrise would be king. - So this has nothing to do with the guy.
- With the person. - Skills. - Sort of rolling the dice here. - You smack a horse, won't it then neigh? - Yeah.
- Probably. - So at sunrise, I'd just
be spanking my horse then. - [Shane] Yeah, you, that's
something I'm now seeing. - Sounds like a euphemism for something. - Spanking my horse at
sunrise as I always do. - Everyday when you wake
up, time to spank the horse. According to one version of the story, Darius turned to his
groom, Oebares, for help with the competition and
his groom assured him master, if this is to determine whether you become king or not, be confident for this reason
and have an easy mind, for no one else shall be king before you, such are the tricks I have. I don't know if he actually
sounded like a Muppet. - He's gonna spank his horse and that is a euphemism, holy shit. He's gonna jerk off that horse at sunrise, oh my God.
- He's not gonna jerk off, prior to the competition, Obares sought out one of
Darius' horse's favorite mares and rubbed his hand on the horses vulva. He then kept his hand
hidden in his clothing until he stood alongside
Darius' horse at sunrise. At that point, he raised
his disgusting hand to the horse's nostrils,
which caused the horse to immediately snort and whinny. And that is how Darius
the Great became a king. - This is the least earned
title I've ever seen. - Gotta be.
- That's hysterical. - It is a testament to honesty though, because most people nowadays will lie about how they got a black eye, let alone that your
friend diddled a horse. - That also says a lot about
the standards of the time because that was cool to them. That's what they believed was like dope, that's like very tricky thinking. - He didn't even lie about it, he bragged about the trick that he done. - These poor horses,
in every story we hear, horses are being slighted in some way. - They are the forgotten victims
of most of these stories. - Horses gotta fight in wars that they don't have nothing to do with. Horses gotta get diddled
when they don't wanna. - It's weird that that part
wasn't in Cyrus' dream. (all laughing) - But if you did dream frequently about a horse getting diddled, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't
disclose that, right? - [Garrett] You're not telling everybody? - I'm not screaming
that out to the crowds. - Right and you're just
like what'd you dream about? Just like fucking nothing. It's just like Darius had
like wings or something. (all laughing) - Any other details? - Are you sure, are you
sure that's all it was? - He's constantly Googling
what does this mean? - He's like consulting magi, he's just like so I need you
to be very discreet about this. They're just like ugh and I'm just like fetch my bow and arrow. - [Shane] So there you go, for the record, Darius
would go on to you know, unite Persia, do some good things, maybe some bad things. I just thought this was a fun yarn. A lot of murder, a lot
of funny characters, a lot of horse vulvas. Well, one horse vulva, but, you know. That's been Ruining History,
thanks for learning with us. (traditional Middle Eastern music)
This is my 2nd fav episode after the Julius Caesar one. Comedic masterclass by Cyrus's first son