The Most Insane Battle in History

today we're talking about the Battle of Alicia who she never heard of that in my life well you have heard of Julius Caesar I have heard of mr. Caesar who's she Julius Caesar Roman general politician man lying in puddle of his own blood as we all know he got a little too high in his own fumes and was tremendously murdered by his pals oops today however we're gonna look at Caesar in his non murdered primer specifically the Battle of Alesia which is often considered to quote author John Sadler one of the most remarkable feats of arms in military history oh did you guys know much about him beyond the fact that he was we're straight up murdered I did I got nothing Cleopatra they did yeah that's like a power couple they were like the jay-z and beyonce of like their day to me that's almost like a crossover it looks like spider-man kissing Batman yeah like that's how weird the year 52 BCE the stage Europe baby the Gallic war is in full swing on one side Rome Rome is Rome at the time they're kind of a force to be reckoned with the Michael Jordan of military powers best described as extremely professional is that a good sports reference to calm the Patriots dumb people hate the Patriots yeah that's why Rome would be perfect did you put that sports reference in just for me yeah you know and they like to entertain it's not that sweet one historian said of the Roman military they do not sit with folded hands in peacetime on the contrary as though they had been born with weapons in hand they never have a truce from training the Roman weapon of choice the mass-produced Gladius a short workman like blade that could allegedly kill a man with one good stab proper use of the Gladius would quote puncture vital organs leading to trauma catastrophic tissue damage and our rapid leading out of the victim that'll do to be fair don't most swords kill a man with a good staff yeah maybe I maybe I'm I mean well but I think any sword would kill me with one but it might be like the shape of it is like somehow superior what shape are you picturing Sarah huh what you said like a pointy right as opposed to most swords look I'm not the Surgeon General I just think getting stabbed by a sword is bad for your health and leading the Roman charge of course the main man himself Julius Caesar noted not only for his tactical prowess but also possessing a special knack for winning the admiration of his soldiers even though they sometimes referred to him as a quote bald whoremonger wait he was bald he was crushed my image of him I pictured this man with like play-doh blowing maybe you were excited because you got your ball I am no it does give me hope that like one day I could become like a great person I like both bald men we got like you got Larry David now Julius Caesar there's some people to look up to more chestnuts in there ya Morris Chestnut but Billy Zane Billy Zane but make no mistake Caesar was not a man you wanted to trifle with he was as cunning as he was ruthless as Shakespeare wrote danger knows full well that Caesar is more dangerous than he on the other side of the conflict gah so the ancient Gauls were a Celtic race occupying numerous regions in what is today France Belgium Western Germany and northern Italy the term actually refers to a broad variety of tribes the Romans considered them barbarians but then these barbarians successfully sacked Rome way back in 390 BCE so it's possible that some of that is just sour grapes the Gauls have like magical powers absolutely this is real life because they sound like a class you can choose in like a fantasy RPG game they do sort of sound like Dothraki yeah they could you know probably go to up to a horse book like whisper they were horse whisperers I'm picturing a whole army of gal gadot's and I'm enticed by because it sounds like Gauls yeah what's a gal gadot the Gauls weapons of choice were long slashing blades with sharp edges these were precious they were like pretty swords not produced in mass quantities like the Roman Gladius instead of surgical stabs they favored a powerful downward blow to the neck which might sever something important like a head they sort of sound like like the Indy version of Rome because they're like blades are precious they worked on them bespoke weaponry yeah they're sort of like a steampunk tribe hey here's something interesting one alleged tactic of certain Gallic tribes fighting in the nude author John Sadler says of the technique quite wise some units fought naked is unclear battle can be arousing fear has its effect on the body as well as the sight piece there have been those who suggest that the spectacle of another male quite clearly erect can be a trifle disconcerting especially in large numbers okay 22nd - yeah that is with giant boners came running towards you I mean one guy with a boner and a sword I'm out I'm gone so they're saying that an erect penis is a good distraction whereas I think that's just a good target now I'm gonna aim straight for your boner I want to just speak as an expert on this topic I have done in a full ancient Olympics triathlon and I will say my opponent was distracted I would be distracted too but I would also say I'm gonna cut that man's penis off I think we need to move on the Gallic war was an exercise in conquest since the second century BCE Rome had pushed its territory outward to encompass the Alps and south of France and this led to a series of sporadic Gallic invasion x' in the 50s causing Rome and Caesar to spend the better part of the decade combatting the Gauls at every turn look at this it's childish what is it with people and always trying to just claim more land like land just so overrated we have so many Slyke like Nebraska it's just a big old thing of land that there's nothing there well I have a one-bedroom and I'd like to have a two-bedroom automatic so if I could kill my neighbor and get away with it I would huh so by 52 BCE the war had been raging for six bitter years and perhaps wanting to be rid of Rome once and for all the Gallic tribes summoned a council to appoint a leader ultimately they would appoint a man who would seem to be the most worthy adversary in Caesars storied military career verson Jetix that's a good name though right areas I thought yeah that was morning well I loved it I thought I was gonna be something better like Byron Bonecrusher or something I mean I like the name we like the name you know we're on your side chain thank you next time you do another history pant like we wear we're totally in agreement I've always said you guys are the heart and soul the name sucks too if Cesar didn't know the man's name then he would soon shortly after vercingetorix took commands Cesar received word that every Roman settler in the city of Sinabung had been murdered and after that other galaxy DS followed suit murdering every Roman citizen merchant and official holy these murders would set off a series of skirmishes a veritable game of cat and mouse across the map resulting in verson jet Oryx and his 60,000 followers taking refuge in the hilltop town of Alesia in September of 52 BC no look at that little town as expected Caesar was not far behind so let me tell you about Alicia where you going where you going Shane come back Wow yeah I went to Joann Fabric where these Christmas supplies because in his own writings of the battle Caesar describes the fortress town the actual stronghold of elysia was in an extremely lofty position on top of a hill apparently impregnable except by means of a siege on two sides the foot of this hill was washed by rivers and for about three miles there stretched a plane in front of the town so verson Jetix this is verson jeder accent is worsened Jetix flees to the town of alicia has got his 60,000 troops in there the city's like sure come on in we'll host yeah well how could you say no to a face like that and Caesar he pursues him with his army Caesars out here she's about to crack the nut Caesar must have assessed the playing field and made a decision with lightning speed it seems he was known for his decisive maneuvering as his fellow politician Cicero once said of him though airiness and energy boogieman are terrifying we'll never know for sure but it seems possible that a similar thought may have been going through the mind of verson Jetix when he looked out from the town atop the hill and saw the Roman military constructing a ten-mile wall around Alisha a wall around the city it's pretty crazy yeah they they didn't get it all up at once how did they get the supplies there they couldn't have that's why I'm going to say aliens no Sarah Caesar must have known an offensive attack on Alesia wouldn't work out well for him his army was estimated to number around 50,000 while verson jetter xover saw 80,000 infantry and 12,000 cavalry and so utilizing his army's uncanny talents for civil engineering yeah they were good at that too caesar's plan was seemingly this wall them up like rats and watch them starve this seems like something you would do in a board game or like a video game where you like well let's go the wall around the enemy that doesn't happen in reality it did happen and you'll find out that as they were doing this verson jeddaks did make many attempts to stop them this is thing war is terrible it's bad it's awful preach I wish it was slightly more like this now because this is the least kind of fun this is awful but it's kind of fun yeah the wall called a circum billion was not without its defenses it bursts and jeddaks wanted his men to attempt an assault on caesar's wall they'd first come upon a 20-foot wide trench this likely dampened any hope of a surprise attack beyond that to more trenches dug into a v-shape 15 feet deep one of them turned into a moat using the nearby rivers that's just smart to top it all off a belt of scattered camouflaged pits the bottoms lovingly adorned with sharpened poles lay in between all of the trenches if anyone did make it to the Roman rampart they'd find themselves facing a 12-foot wall with projecting stakes a primitive version of barbed wire no I'm a Julius fan now this guy's a JC ain't around he does not just like some home alone stuff so basically it was so like no food can get to them no water can get to them they're just stuck right do not with a Roman verse and genrich's wasted no time in responding to the construction Caesar writes quote after work on the siege had begun a cavalry battle took place in the three mile stretch of plain between Alesia city wall and the Roman wall for a fleeting moment the Gauls had the upper hand until Caesar sent in his German troops the Germans descended upon their foes with such might and terror that it sent the quote-unquote barbarians running the panicked Gauls piled up at the city gates clawing to return to safety some even abandoned their horses and desperately attempted to climb the wall back into Alesia the sight of this was apparently rattling enough for verson Jetix to close the gates on those who hadn't yet made it in on his own dudes they were sloshed so oops I love this Caesar was toying with Vercingetorix he had a siege that was so successful he was like you know what it maybe I'll put some guys in there kill a couple of them now yeah just like you know whet my appetite it's like two towers crazy the construction continued and the Gauls could only watch as Caesar knitted their doom feeling the vise tightening verson Jetix made a risky play in the dead of night he snuck his cavalry 12,000 strong past Roman lines their orders to ride to their tribes recruit every man capable of bearing arms and return with as John Sadler writes a relief army so massive so overwhelming that it would smash clear through Caesars lines and finish the war once and for all and they would return led by Communists of the Optra bodies with by Caesars reports 8000 cavalry and 240,000 infantry Caesars account so he come this is a big fish story he's a little bit a little bit of embellishment so if you're Caesar what are you going to do if you're seasoned you're like I'm Caesar so I can do this why would you give up you built a ten-mile wall what's about to happen is gonna blow your mind here is what they see when they come upon Alicia is it more snowmen my dude he put another wall he built another wall he put up another wall so you've got the wall around Alesia trapping verse and Jed rakes in and then you've got a wall around that wall keeping the reinforcements from attacking there in between the walls it's a Roman sandwich now this sounds really cool though but but my man JC just put himself in the position to be starved out oh he deceived himself yeah what if the people from the center fight out and they're fighting it he's getting like double that well do you think when he pitched that idea people were like you're crazy Caesar this is a little bit like force awakens where it's like the Death Star and they're like but this time it's gonna be bigger yeah check out this wall so to recap verse and Jedrek sent his 80,000 soldiers trapped in Alesia Caesar and his 50,000 troops trapping them in but also trapped themselves by an army of reinforcements numbering almost a quarter of a million so the commander of these two hundred and forty thousand troops is communist he's gonna be out here they didn't have any other Christmas things so you went with the flamingos wearing scuba goggles so he's aligned with the Gauls so Oh snowman in flamingo this is the ultimate I wish you would what is gonna happen by this point the conditions in Alesia are pretty grim they're 30-day supply food is dwindling keep in mind not only does the army need food but the actual citizens of Alesia are starving as well and probably regretting ever letting verson Jetix into their city and so he offered up a solution that would allow some of the citizens to escape and free of resources for the soldiers he sent anyone who couldn't fight possibly as many as three thousand citizens mostly women and children into no man's land so they could shimmy past caesar's walls and head on out to freedom what could possibly go wrong I know he's a bad guy but he'll I can see women and children and go oh okay I get it I think he's gonna slice them into little teeny bits and feed him to the horses oh my goodness Sarah what a horrifying imagination you have wouldn't you know it Caesar wouldn't let him through and even better when they backtracked verson genrich's wouldn't reopen his doors to them they were left to starve to death between the walls what an asshole wait okay like a person Jenner's I see I knew he wasn't a great guy but like you would think he would be like all these my people from JC's perspective right like this could be some sort of trap a show we here's you open the gates and like a cavalry charges through maybe the kids have little pocket knives and they just go stabby stabby stabby we can't give away a strategic advantage just because you want to be a good guy it's war and I think he did the most he could with the situation go back to the city you already live in and then their leader said nah the penned up Gauls were getting desperate unable to choreograph a simultaneous attack with their outside reinforcements they hoped to catch the Romans off guard with a night baby this time they were more prepared they utilized wicker hurdles to bypass the deadly pit traps ladders to cross the trenches and grappling hooks cool to tear away the sharpened sticks on caesar's walls all the while showering the romans with missiles to keep their forces paralyzed just means like projectiles I think those who scaled the wall were met with the brute force of Roman Legionnaires and it wasn't long before the fighting platform was slick with gallons of blood and trails and drains the battle lasted until dawn the morning light revealing quote unalloyed carnage overlaid with the stench of blood and entrails blended with piss and the carefully engineered pits and hedges would have been topped with corpses both sides suffered losses but the Roman Legionnaires had held the line the wall hadn't been breached another failure for verson genrich's this all seems very unsanitary I guess anyone getting sick from this like this sounds like like dysentery and like I don't know like it sounds like they're all gonna die it can't smell great well I think he's suggesting you're rolling around and piss and blood then you're gonna probably catch something yeah a cold at least also they're fighting without clothes and they might get chilly oh they're still naked no no the tactic of some Gallic tribes I've been picturing them naked this whole time was a domestic welcome to up until this point we haven't heard much from communist and the reinforcements outside the wall but he was about to make a bait move his scouts had spotted a weak link in caesar's an outer wall near mount Rey where a steep hill prevented them from construction if he could distract Caesar out front and send another faction of soldiers through that weak spot the Gauls would triumph it's like kind of lame that they could make these walls but they couldn't make one over a hill never cut corners kids you know you think it's a shortcut now but it's gonna bite you in the end do your homework but from a logistical standpoint what if it's a trap that they want them to think there's a hole in the wall so it's like a death funnel they're all going through single-file shoulder-to-shoulder and they're just picking them off as they come with missiles death funnel sounds like a great movie the battle began midday unlike the unsuccessful night rate so that verse and genrich's might see the effort from his vantage point up on the hill and staged a simultaneous attack from within he did skew and he marched his men out from the city walls Caesar was now under attack on both fronts [Music] this final battle was chaos accounts describe the red mist blades wearing dull as they hacked at bone Gallic forces hammered away on every front at Caesars walls began to crumble around him the Gallic soldiers fighting at the weak spot at mount Ramos with their shields locked together like a turtle not unlike a tank I guess anyway they were gaining ground yeah they had the shields on top and the shields on the sides I can gladiator like a turtle tank I'm thrilled for turtles too you know high praise Caesar seeing his defenses literally falling to pieces took decisive action doing something that verson Jetix wouldn't dream of he entered the battle himself and her player - let's do this hooks continue to tear it as walls blood and entrails continued to spill and in the middle of it all Caesar in a red cloak here's where the point of view of the story clearly comes into play this is obviously written by Caesar Caesar was wearing a red cloak he looked beautiful and badass everyone was like that's the best man on the battlefield we theory has a huge dome spotting the unraveling situation near mount rate Caesar rerouted his cavalry sending them outside of their defensive wall with the intent to attack the enemy from the rear John Sadler sums it up this was the absolute crisis the battle the campaign the entire six years of war hung in the balance if the Gauls battered their way through before the Roman cavalry got around to attack them they might still win the battle Caesars line was stretched as taut as a bowstring one account reads suddenly the cavalry was glimpsed in the rear unseeing Roman cavalry starting to hack away at their fellow soldiers coming from the only direction of their possible escape well that scared the living out of the Gauls and that fear spread like wildfire and it turned into a bloodbath you could just be screaming I feel like the horses don't know that they're complicit in murder you think the horses are just having a good time like yeah we love to run I think the horse is just wanted apples I'm sure they give him a lot of apples I'm sure they've got the narrow passage that served as a covert entry point was now simply a death funnel for the fleeing Gauls they were hacked and trampled by the hundreds Aseem grisly enough for the rest of the army to flee standing there in a red cloak among his crumbling ramparts Caesar had won the day won the battle and effectively won the Gallic war Wow what is the end of his accounts a greatest guy ever that's general to ever live VP he made himself a trophy after putting on his prettiest shiniest Armour verson jeddaks would ride out of Alesia and surrender to Caesar in person yet a magnificent mustache yeah Wow look at all these cool weapons hanging out the staffs in general this is like a really decorated like entourage that was we call this those those swords that we had heard so much about those little pointy guys is that a war horn that one boner not a single boner well there's a little bump under yeah Caesar for sure now considering Caesar once had the hands cut off of an entire army he'd captured he was surprisingly lenient to the Gauls maybe after such a hard-fought battle he'd gained a new respect for them versed in Jetix however would have to pay the price he would be locked up for six years then forced to be in a parade for Caesar following that he was executed strangled to death who strangled him so this is where we end huh that's just like happy everyone lives happily ever after except for Caesar who would soon be murdered it's crazy to me that people just fought and were able to focus with like entrails flying through the air showers of blood I'm always amazed that anyone can get any soldiers to follow them why would you fight for these people this is crazy what a crazy thing on both sides this was riveting I was in the entire time I was cooked I was totally engaged that was great I think I'm still stuck on the dead children and women that makes me sad is that is that weirdly that's where I picked out no that's a sad thing that's very normal nice person and there it is the Battle of Alicia dolls walls etc honestly I think the big takeaway here is don't with Caesar because hikes maybe it's a good thing they perforated that guy anyway that's been ruining history thanks for learning with us today [Music] you [Music]

Channel: BuzzFeed Multiplayer

Views: 4,183,574

Rating: 4.9098969 out of 5

Keywords: history, ruining history, buzzfeed, ryan bergara, sara rubin, shane madej, zach kornfeld, ryann graham, educational, funny, weird, gross, interesting, rome, romans, gallic war, alesia, battle of alesia, vercingetorix, gaul, gallic, caesar, julius caesar, roman empire, war, battle, siege, sieges, walls, fortifications, roman history, world history, europe, european history, ancient history, buzzfeed zach, buzzfeed sara, buzzfeed ryan, buzzfeed shane, warfare, france, tribes, tribal, military

Id: CnMQzyc8tVg

Length: 22min 35sec (1355 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 10 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/deadpoetshonour99]

Ryan and Sara ganging up on Shane was hilarious.