Things I don't talk about

[Music] hey guys and welcome back to my channel so fun story I filmed this before and the sound was so terrible that I'm filming again the good thing is that I think I figured out what the problem was in the first place so hopefully the sound will sound better and you guys can let me know so this video is supposed to be stream-of-consciousness since I am filming it for a second time it might sound a little bit more put together just because I've had time to rethink about my thoughts I think about the anger and the way I wanted to [ __ ] throw this mic out the window but it's my own fault so not on the mic I even cried in the first video which y'all aren't gonna see I know you must be so upset I'm gonna try and leave this as unedited as possible but when I talk about this topic I take a lot of long pauses usually so I don't start crying and even if I got really angry before I already feel like my eyes are watering again so maybe you will get the tears who knows stay tuned to find out I've not been well and I indicated a while back that it had taken a toll on my physical health and you know we all hear that [ __ ] about you know if you're too stressed or your depression is like too intense it can take a toll on your body and I knew that and I believe that and for some reason it didn't really sink in until something happened to me so nothing of like terrible happened to me I'm really sorry if this is too TMI for some of you my patrons will kind of know but I didn't even tell my patrons about exactly what was happening but essentially due to stress I stopped getting my period and this happened for seven months seven missed periods right so at one point I was just like okay I knew I wasn't pregnant I knew that something was up and I got a bunch of tests a lot of tests I felt very uncomfortable with and the doctor was just like you I'm not the doctor you should be seeing this is all psychosomatic the doctor that you should be seeing as a therapist which is a good point and that's a different story but what it did make me start thinking about is hey why why why am I like this and there are two main things that I think are great contributors of why I'm having mental breakdowns every week which school is one of them but I'm not going to count that in because it seems kind of like an obvious one but there are two main things that I really want to talk about because I think that a lot of us might struggle with these things and maybe you guys will really I don't know maybe this is completely useless so the first thing is bottling up and I know that this is such an obvious thing right but I feel like it's one of those obvious things that all of us know yet we still kind of do it anyways and what I mean about bottling up isn't necessarily not expressing your emotion whatever emotion that is but I think there is this constant kind of struggle to get rid of it as fast as possible like to be okay as fast as possible to bounce back as fast as possible and as much as I I agree with that of course because I'd rather be sad for less time than more time I also think that there is a process and not everyone has the same process I'm just talking about for me I need to feel things and when I feel things I need to feel things all the way from A to Z I need to have the closure of having felt to the emotion maybe having had a couple hours days to wallow and then I get back up and I'm fine the thing is because of our lives being so busy most of us are busy all the time and busy includes having a life being social and stuff like that so we never really have time to think about these things but because I'm so busy with school and work and doing schoolwork and doing YouTube and I'm never gonna say that YouTube is a burden so don't perceive it that way whatsoever doing YouTube is so much fun for me even if I cover topics that are heavy it's never really heavy for me like I get comments sometimes where people are just like you should stop doing these kinds of topics I feel like that's what gets you down and honestly it doesn't get me down and even if we're talking about really heavy things I still enjoy making those videos because I enjoy talking about things that interest me and knowing that you guys will hear me out and even if you disagree with me I know that most of you will hear me out and that's something that I really care about so doing videos on heavy topics is never really a draining source for me pretty much these past few weeks I've had my weekly mental breakdowns and it's so much of a thing that it's in my schedule it's Act it's actually in my schedule like my mom will ask me has it happened yet this week which is a really depressing thing but I think I also kind of think it's really funny that I kind of schedule my breakdowns like I have time slots for them sometimes just because I'm like I can't afford to have my mental breakdown while I'm at work so I'm gonna be like okay Thursday 7 p.m. Mike oh that's so messed up dude anyways and the reason these breakdowns occur is because a lot of the time I am so focused on bouncing back on being resilient that I never finished feeling the emotion like I was on the phone with my mom earlier today and I was saying how I thought this week was gonna be a piece of [ __ ] and I still kind of think that honestly but because I have so much stuff to do and I only have two weeks left of school which is kind of a big thing and she was like don't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy which ironically is the advice I had given her the day before but I completely agreed with her but at the same time I disagreed because if if I need to feel like [ __ ] and if I need to feel like this week is gonna be shitty I just need to feel that and I'm not gonna let it turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy but at the same time I'm not gonna halt this emotion just because I don't want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy does that make sense I need to be allowed to feel that I think this week is gonna be a piece of [ __ ] week that I feel like a piece of [ __ ] that I woke up wanting to die like I need to feel all of these things today so the rest of the week I can actually do the things I need to do and turn it into a productive week and hopefully turn it into an odd piece of [ __ ] week but I need to feel it now or else this feeling this repressed feeling is gonna come back even more repressed because I've pushed it down once more and it's gonna come back at a time when I can't afford it like when I'm writing my final paper and it's not like I understand that there are times when we just can't afford to have a mental breakdown like there's so much [ __ ] we have to get done that we can do it but I feel like there are plenty of times where I could have expressed my emotions like if I wanted to I could have screamed for two hours if I wanted to I could have cried for two hours but I didn't because I was so focused on having to be okay and I know that it's so stereotypical and cheesy to be like it's okay to not be okay whatever but that's that's really the bottom line here and I feel like societally because everything is so competitive and because we always have to be on top of our [ __ ] we don't end up feeling the things we need to feel to be okay at the end of the day and we have to be okay immediately and you know even just talking about it since this is take two in my first take I had to stop filming for 15 minutes and even then I rushed myself to be okay you know like it's like I need to finish the video I need to make sure that I can get this out there on time whatever so it's hypocritical really what I'm saying I am a hypocrite in that aspect entirely I'm working on it but I'm hypocritical a second thing that I feel has impacted me quite quite severely and I've mentioned this before is the lack of celebrating small victories and obviously celebrating small victories has to be in moderation you know like you can't celebrate too much with otherwise you're not doing anything anymore and you can't be too uptight where you celebrate nothing I've been uptight shocker right and the the example that always comes to mind wouldn't you [ __ ] sorry example that always comes to mind when I think of this non celebrative kind of mode in my head this kind of taking for granted this not giving myself a pat on the back whatever ok so I graduated with my BA in English from UC Irvine in March 2017 I graduated a quarter early which is a cool thing I'd say right like something that you might be like hey you did a good job you worked your ass off whatever the day I had my last class I went home drank a little bit of Prosecco went to bed I'm not saying I had to go out and celebrate and like be crazy or do anything crazy the thing is like the in fact that mental mechanism just was not there like there was no there was no hey you did a good job hey your step closer to your goals there was no mental processing that I had accomplished something that is not easily accomplished and I have a hard time finding that line between humility and fact when it comes to myself and the fact was that I'd accomplished something that's not easily accomplished able and I was getting closer to my goals and I'd done it early too and that to me is really [ __ ] sad and I'm working on it like that's why I have this tattoo fight for your right to party that's supposed to be my reminder I'm still working on it clearly not doing too well but if I do that more I feel like that is such an easy way to integrate more happiness into your life and more general appreciation towards yourself because I have like my I'm not gonna start I'm not gonna open the door to my self-loathing because we're gonna be here for a very long time but I feel like that would be such an easy way to love yourself to just acknowledge your accomplishments they're not saying throw a party every time like do whatever you want but you know at least mentally acknowledge yourself like that and I have it like nothing like I might write on Twitter like I posted something after my first semester here doing my Master's I said that I got a 4.0 mentally nothing no no recognition that like it was hard I really okay I'm gonna be right back see this is what happens when your price of your okay so I worked really hard to get that and mentally it just did not click I did not give myself credit i still most the time feel like i'm not doing anything you know and i feel like if i gave myself credit for the things that I do doo doo doo I wouldn't have you know like my depression in some ways would be better because I wouldn't feel like I'm a piece of [ __ ] who's doing nothing he was making no difference who's you know I'm sorry that got really heavy and really dark really fast but that's what I'm talking about you know like one small Act could have prevented some of this not all of it I'm not saying it's gonna cure your depression but I'm just saying just proactively being like hey I did a good thing or I did this right and I'm proud of Who I am that makes a huge difference but it's just like we're not really set up to do that like my mom was you know she's always been super proud of me and everything but even with that great nurturing role model I still I'm not really capable and my mom has the same problem towards herself she doesn't give herself credit and and I wonder how much happier we would be if we did so I don't know I've always thought those were two big big factors and why you know like I am the way I am I don't know that sounds really generalized but I don't know how else to put it really and I'm that for most of you most of you probably didn't make it till this part but I feel like that's something I need to share with you guys because if if we interact like three to four times a week you know even if I'm talking about shitty tumblr or whatever I still want you to know where I'm at and I guess that's because I also want to know where the youtubers that I watch are at and you know maybe maybe some of you maybe feel less alone now I don't know you can let me know in the comments anyways I'm gonna wrap this up here because I've gone on long enough sorry about that but I just thought I just thought it was time anyways guys thank you for watching if you're still here I'm not gonna put any fan art because I don't think anyone wants their fan art associated with this buzzkill of a video let me know in the comments how you guys are doing what you're struggling with if you feel comfortable with it just how you are I always want to know and I'm always reading the comments just so you know it's been harder for me to interact with you guys but I'm always reading them and I even check up on old videos to see what you guys are saying anyways I'm out thanks for watching and I'll see you in the next video and I promise I'll be less of a buzzkill bye guys [Music]

Channel: READY TO GLARE

Views: 97,628

Rating: 4.9804983 out of 5

Keywords: iMovie

Id: 9rcB-eMA8Pk

Length: 14min 55sec (895 seconds)

Published: Wed May 09 2018