Therapist Reacts to BRAVE

you see if you could just i think i could make you understand if you would just listen listen they are in completely different places both literally geographically but also here and here and i love that they they both finished the conversation saying if you would just listen listen and and so often in conversations we want to be heard but not to hear right hello and welcome to cinema therapy i am alan searight professional filmmaker and i am jonathan decker licensed therapist what are we doing today brother we are uh reacting to things yum mostly you well what am i reacting to you're gonna react to pixar's brave ooh or brother bear 2. mama bear brother bear 2 mama bear and little kid bears i actually i really like brave i love i love the character of merida i love all the scottish stuff but when i watched it the first time it kind of lost me about halfway through when it did turn into him like i saw this like five years ago yeah person turns into bear to learn important lesson and reconnect with their family yeah i never actually saw brother bear but uh it did remind me a little bit of guardians the excellent russian film with a giant tank-like human bear hybrid it's part of the growing sub-genre of a person turns into bear and unleashes their fury uh there's some some very interesting familial relationship dynamics especially mother-daughter stuff so merida is a princess scottish princess her parents wish to marry her off she wants to i don't want to get married i want to stay single and let my hair flow in the wind as i ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset that about sums her up so let's uh let's dive in where mom does not approve of her wild ways and wants her to be a proper lady yes a princess must be knowledgeable about her kingdom she does nate doodle i love that her doodle is a doodle of her holding a doodle [Music] oh pixar not chortle doesn't he stuff her gulp rises early is compassionate patient cautious clean and above all a princess strives for well perfection but every once in a while there's a day when i don't have to be a princess her hair is so incredibly animated her hair is it breaks the laws of physics in a way that only scottish hair can so her mom is doing what a lot of parents do which is they want the best for their kids and then they ignore what the kids are actually saying this is what i need yeah right well and and i mean how relatable you know her mom is almost sort of your stereotypical like helicopter overachiever mom right like do this do this do this be perfect at it get the best grades get into harvard well and what we see a lot of with parents is my identity is wrapped up in who my kid becomes right and so my if my kid has these grades or is the star quarterback or does this or that then i am a success and what ends up happening is they the kid doesn't really have a choice in who they want to be and who and what they want to do with their life it's all about fulfilling the parental expectations so parents if you're watching your kids are going to figure out who they are and if you want to be an awesome parent you got to let them you got to let them figure it out and support them on the journey now give them a little nudge you can give them a nudge give them boundaries if they're saying i don't want if they're in seventh grade they're saying i want to drop out of school and i want to and they you know by all means like be a parent but as you're guiding them to adulthood let them be them and let them figure themselves out and that's not what she's doing what do you expect us to do call off the gathering would that kill them you're the queen you can just tell the lord the princess is not ready for this in fact she might so i love that you're ready for this so that's that's good we're having a conversation between these two characters where they're each understand this must all seem unfair you know oh she's talking to herself and then she's talking to her husband instead of marriage who's role playing as meredith yeah i don't want my life to be but it's i want my freedom but are you willing to pay the price no i talk a lot about uh editing on this show i'm i do a lot of editing right to see what i do and this is a very obvious case of you know we're cutting between two completely different scenes and so it's obvious editing right and getting obvious editing to land is so much harder because you're paying attention to it [Music] but you're meant to you're meant to and and one of the things i i'm gonna go on a little filmmaking rant here uh we love it when he does that ah don't we all it's great um the editing in this film in particular that scene is that's really really tough intercutting between two scenes and making it play like one you know you're completely different lighting completely different scenes and backgrounds and it can feel really jarring even if you get the timing right if the angles are off yeah it can be very very jarring or simply like you're saying the fact that you're in two different geographic locations but this is actually driving home a thematic point which is they want to communicate with each other they're in completely different places but they are in complete different places both literally geographically but also here and here and i love that they both finish the conversation saying if you would just listen listen and and so often in conversations we want to be heard but not to hear right and we expect the other person to listen to us and then when they don't instead they come at us with well you need to hear my side of things and you need to consider this or consider that we're just like how dare you how rude and we don't even see we're doing the exact same thing and that is that is a major flaw in communication and we'll talk about how they mend it how they connect and healthy communication this is a good this is a good movie for healthy communication it is great for that if you're digging this episode but you want it without the commercials and you want more of the delicious goodness that we seek to provide for you interesting flavor we have a low-cost membership site where you will find commercial-free directors cut episodes from our show relationship courses that i have created to help you with your relationships growth guides live watch parties ask the ask the therapist q as all sorts of cool stuff so check out this link to visit our cinema therapy heroes membership site and learn more because i think you're really going to dig it so you can be your own cinema hero superhero why does he laugh every time i try to pitch something because you're terrible at it what [Laughter] [Music] animation of that super slow-mo and the sound design i can't remember what it's called the archer's paradox i think where the the arrow wraps around the bow like that that's a real scientific thing but it's man it's just beautifully done that is very robin hood prince of thieves and but i love that mayor does not even surprise her ups or uh scared she just stares her mom down like and she knew her mom was gonna be there she just knew and the fact that they do that you know that little build up it's a like a reverse bell tone or something but there's that build up and then they just cut all the sound it's just yeah that's just fun filmmaking this is why i love doing this i've just about had enough of you last you're the one that wanted to embarrass them you embarrassed me i followed them you don't know what you've done i am the queen you listen to me oh this is so unfair unfair you're never there for me this whole marriage is what you want do you ever bother to ask what i want you were never there for me she was there for you all the time just not in the way that you wanted necessarily today trying to make me be like you that's i mean they're both right they're both wrong i'm not going to be like you oh you're acting like a child and you're a beast that's what you are i'll never be like you stop that i'd rather die than be like you you are a princess i expect you to act like one you break my thing i'll break yours what she regrets [Music] so something i love about this scene is um we get angry and then we do things that we regret yeah and i love how instantaneously she's she's standing there merida runs out and then she turns and she sees the the bow in the fire and she immediately regrets it and starts to dig it out what really speaks to me about that is we all get dumb when we're angry there's a small there's a small sliver of the population that actually get sharper they get way smarter yeah those people are scared i'm married to one when she's mad i'm like i'm not winning this this is not going to happen because i get i get progressively dumber and but i but most of us say and do things we regret when we are angry because we're not thinking clearly and what needed to happen in this situation is it was escalating and one or both of them could have said i'm getting angry i need to calm down yeah and then we can continue this conversation and then it's not storming out it's not walking out on somebody and saying i'm getting angry i need to calm down and then leaving and then coming back to discuss and resolve when you're calm i mean they still would have been upset but what happens is we get angry and we focus on why we're angry and that we're justified and feeling angry and we just we just run with it we just run with that emotion and the fact is when you are when you are furious when you are angry even if you're right even if you're justified it doesn't mean you should be dealing with it when you are in that state right because that's how tapestries get sliced and bows get thrown in the fire yeah we've discussed on the show and we'll probably discuss on the show again uh that this this rings very true to me not because my mom wanted me to be a princess my mom wanted me to go to business school but you know metaphorically i've gotten in fights with my mom like that where you know i'll slash the tapestry and she'll throw my camera in the fire yes i don't have a bow i have a camera um you guys get it you're smart anyway uh it really resonates for me as as things that have happened in my life but also exactly what you're saying when you get angry you get dumb yeah i especially get just real stupid uh and and do things that i regret yeah constantly when i'm angry so go somewhere and either do something that's relaxing or cathartic right cathartic is you're releasing the anger in a way that doesn't hurt anybody relaxing is is soothing uh and then come back speaking of bonding with your kids and arts and crafts we got to have some decker sea ride bonding time doing art projects together okay you get a baby painted these watercolor mama bears from let's make art [Music] it's a mama and a bear get it no some of the kids went for their own interpretation of things i mean look at this viking bear instead of doing flowers i could draw a crown right but they all had a blast and with the step-by-step instructions and the video tutorial we could all follow along really easily even our five and six-year-olds could do it i'm finished feels so and they loved the other projects in the kids box too and there's a horse the watercolor kits made it super easy with everything you need to get creative and make some art you also get access to a supportive and inspiring community of other beginning artists look at this i like it so go to letsmakeart.com you can get this mama bear kit or they have tons of other project kits for kids and adults and monthly subscription options too then share your paintings and tag us and let's make art so we can see how it turned out and see that you're definitely a better artist than alan i'm a filmmaker i paint with who wrote this copy that's just it wasn't me if you write it i will read it let's eat art my mom did something really good i actually had this that exact exchange with my mom one time when i was a kid and it stayed with me is 30 years later where i told her i was yelling at her and i said you need to listen and she says almost word for word i am the mother you will listen to me and i remember i went to my room and i was so mad and i wrote her i got a piece of paper and i wrote her a little letter which is so me and i wrote her a little letter in which i told her you are right you know you are my mother you gave me life you raised me i do need to show you respect and i said but i'm a person and i deserve your respect too and uh i'll never forget it stayed with me for so long i slid under a door because that's such a good thing to do those read this one and uh and she came into my room a couple minutes later and she held me and she said that she was sorry and that i was absolutely right and for the rest of my upbringing she made a such a great effort to this is a person this is not someone that i just need to keep in check and control or or even just raise this is a person with feelings with needs and if he's lashing out then he's hurting right parents your kids are people and their pain we look at it like how could you be upset about something like that because we've got adult problems right but their pain is as valid as yours is their fears are as valid as yours are and when you treat kids like people instead of like kids what ends up happening is the respect that you're demanding they give to you freely yeah because you treat them like people yep even though my kids aren't people they're weird aliens oh that scaffy witch gave me a gummy spell it's the most scottish phrase that's ever been said i didn't ask her to change you into a beer i just wanted her to change you [Laughter] still in there so she's not truly afraid because she knows it's her mom right that's why she just kind of stands there and lets the roar like blow her hair back and like i mostly just wanted to see what your reaction would be to skeffy witch gave her a gammy spale i have no commentary because you know that that is the most scottish phrase is that ever scottish it's it scottish the hell out of itself here we go my mom feels hopeless they only have one more day before the spell becomes permanent and not only does it become permanent but her mom fully becomes a bearer like her identity her soul is no longer their [Music] consciousness this little tiny merida looks exactly like my daughter except the hair [Music] my daughter is an animated character we connect so easily when they're small they grow older they want to establish their independence and there's a natural pushing away that often happens yeah and she sees her mom as this authoritarian tell you what to do figure it now she's remembering just how much her mom is always there to comfort her take care of her and that is and that is her exact accusation is you are not there for me right and she's remembering no she always has been she always has been just maybe not the way i wanted but she's always been there and here she's tried to mend the breach and right fix the spell and because the idea is you you mend what was broken and the spell would be undone and they take it literally but what's really broken is not the tapestry it's the relationship and they have to do it before sunrise and as the sun comes up it's not working it's not working [Music] and now her mom's gone it's just a bear i don't understand i [Music] bunch of extras from braveheart i'm sorry just painted with ward this is all my fault i did this to you to us you've always been there for me you've never given up on me i just want you back [Music] me [Music] so he's gonna lose his wife and his sons to bear them [Music] me i feel like every time we watch a pixar movie instead of commenting we just get sucked into just watch and i start crying mom you're back you changed oh darling we both there we go and she is i mean she is fairly naked well i didn't mean get it get it no i didn't that's not what i meant i was actually i was actually moving on to a different thought but that was poorly timed people watch these episodes with their kids man i'm sure this is going to be very insightful daddy mommy what did it mean what did mr allen mean how do we how do we heal relationships we have to start actually listening right i think my biggest takeaway from brave is assume good intentions very often we do the opposite yep someone's doing something we don't like what they're saying or doing is hurting us or impeding us and we assume that this person is now the villain of the story yeah and most people not everybody most people want to do the right thing most people want to do right by others they want to act with integrity and conscience most people want to feel safe respected and loved and what ends up happening is our efforts to feel safe respected and loved or our efforts to do right by other people go awry and then when people don't see that we had i mean i know they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions but when we don't see the good intentions in others when we treat them like the villain of our story then they get defensive and they're not going to hear us they're not going to hear what we actually need they're just going to hear oh you're telling me that i'm the bad guy and now i need to defend myself which is what they were doing early on and for me the turn that that little tiny dream that merida has during the rainstorm is so important because it's her remembering my mom isn't this just overbearing queen who doesn't care about me she's not a bear she's not yeah she has always been there for me and she's always wanted what's best for me and i don't like how she went about it it's not what i needed but i'm not going to make her the villain of my story anymore when we assume good intentions we give people space to change because they can hear that what they're trying isn't working not that it's wrong you try and tell someone that what they're doing is wrong and they'll tell you why it's right right yeah because you're arguing the results and they're arguing the intention but if you if you say hey i believe you love me you want to connect with me you want to do right by me i'm telling you this is making me feel like i'm feel pushed away feel controlled and i don't think that's what you want so what you're going for is not working and people are far more likely to listen when they're not the bad guy of the story right and when she stops to when they and when she says we've you've changed no we both had because the mom saw meredith as the bad guy right i mean oh yeah absolutely i mean she was a snotty little kid like being all yeah i get where she's coming from yeah you're just you're just a brat you're just a disrespectful little brat and when she stopped making meredith the villain of her story and could see merida as a person with good intentions then they could say okay well this isn't working how do we need to approach it differently right i love brave it is it's hard to say it's one of my favorite pixar films because that's you know 20 of them but it is one of my favorite pixar films uh you know as a a person of scottish ancestry who is also part bear may not have known that it explains a lot actually this is you know someone will smell you're not here you don't have smell-o-vision i have to live with this every shoot this man smells like a bear some of our fans are like into that so wet bear it's not good uh yeah and and as somebody with um you know a complicated relationship with my mother this movie speaks to me on so many levels yeah uh but really the level that it speaks to me the most on is just stealing sticky buns and running off in a barrel with a sticky bun hat and eating them uh you can check us out on social media at therapy underscore cinema on twitter and instagram r cinema therapy on reddit so until next time i'll be shooting for my own hand scuffy witch gave me a gummy spiel and watch movies i'm so glad we both we did it in scottish we're terrible i'm actually from there well my ancestors are anyway are they yeah they are the bear the bear ones are you yes the bears are from scotland you're still you're still doing this i'm stuck now i can't get it i'm trapped there's no escape

Channel: Cinema Therapy

Views: 306,447

Rating: 4.9898396 out of 5

Keywords: cinematherapy, cinema therapy, mental health, counseling, therapy, mental health therapy, Jonathan Decker, Alan Seawright, Brave, Pixar, Merida, therapist reacts

Id: QD1CJz2CbDM

Length: 24min 55sec (1495 seconds)

Published: Fri May 07 2021