Is KRISTOFF the PERFECT MAN? Relationship Therapist talks FROZEN 2

yeah this is it this is my favorite part of the whole movie I'm here what do you need damn you guys boom I was in the theater and I'm like yeah shoving your agenda hello and welcome to cinema therapy I'm Johnson Decker I'm a licensed therapist and I just adore this cinema who are you I am Ellen's Who am I I don't know I just triggered an existential crisis without meaning to it's real easy I'm Alan see right I'm we're not a malady you just see right I have a professional filmmaker it's very easy to trigger an existential crisis for me because I need therapy and here we are so we're gonna go headlong into this this is frozen - so there's a lot of meat on the bone when it comes to frozen - at least for me as a relationship expert as a marriage and family therapist men are so emotionally stunted in films and we're so often portrayed as not having the ability to communicate not having the vocabulary to express our feelings and always kind of being bullheaded and piggish and putting ourselves first right and so when I'm watching frozen - I just Christoph is he's the perfect man he really is I mean he has the hair for it he has he does have look it is your hair oh my gosh you know he's a apparently he's stinky but I've got that - here's I guess here's what it comes from most people on planet earth don't possess a lot of healthy relationship skills okay and Kristoff don't get me wrong he has insecurities for sure but he does something so well that's called shelving your agenda now shelving your agenda I heard this from dr. John Gottman he's one of the all-stars of couples of couples therapy him and his wife Julie shelving your agenda means that when you're dealing with somebody who's upset or sad or frustrated or scared you take your desire if they're upset with you your desire to get defensive or to explain your perspective or to correct or to fix you take all those things that you just kind of naturally want to do mm-hmm and you put them on the Shelf they're gonna come off later okay but right now the person in front of me and their needs are the most pressing important thing got it so that you feel heard understood validated and then I'm showing accountability if that's necessary all of those things sound good they are very good and Kristoff for all his flaws so I guess he's not a perc man but he nails that so let's check this out all right here we go Christophe can I borrow your wagon and spend mm-hmm I'm not very comfortable with the idea of that you are not going alone okay so here obviously he doesn't want that to happen I'm not comfortable with you taking my climb to the North Mountain survived it for the water easy from my ex-boyfriend and I did it all without powers so you know I'm coming me too I'll Drive okay so look at this I'm not very comfortable with that and then he sees how important it is to honor immediately jumps right in cool I'll Drive yeah cool I'll Drive now there's like this whole stigma right well bro you're so whipped right where we say where we shame men for doing anything but bossing women around and tell them what to do yeah heaven forbid you should actually put what you want on the back burner for a second to be present for the woman in your life now this does go both ways like this skill of shelving your agenda is women can and should practice it for man oh yeah for sure but far more often women do shell their agendas women do put things on the back burner women do say what do you need I'm here for you and we culturally I'm not saying every specific men some integrated this but cultural and as a culture first as a culture we need some help with this that's why I love this so much he's not whipped and he's not a he's actually being you know an emotionally immature romantic partner right so good on him nothing's gonna happen to arendelle no it's gonna be fine come here comforting reassuring you know under different circumstances you don't take relationship advice from a reindeer pretty romantic place I don't know different circumstance but no problem showing affection very yet no very open emotionally responsive dress we don't make it out of here wait what you don't think we're gonna make it out of here no no I mean no we will make it out of here I do actually have an issue with the writing here the excessive we die you think like extreme misunderstanding it's a little forced it's a little I like it because the actors sell it well but I see what you need on the writing yeah don't patronize me as a funny scene though the whole thing with honor right now is she's so preoccupied about keeping her sister safe yeah that she's not really paying attention to Kristoff in his needs or Kristoff in their relationship she takes it for granted that they're solid and that they're gonna be okay yeah but on his end he feels like I'm not a priority to her he feels like how much does she really care am i more invested in this than she is and these are the types of misunderstandings that often happen because we all have insecurities and we and we project them onto the behavior of other people but what we see like our percent we need to be careful that our perception doesn't become our reality right right I see what you do but then I prescribe the emotion behind it I try and make sense of it yeah this is why you did it or this is what you're thinking or this is and we're soft and wrong it's almost always like how often have you done that and been right for me I think it's twice ever like it's just it's never ever right and one of the things that I love about you know what we're doing here is you know from a filmmaking perspective it's like that scene and then this entire musical number which by the way is my favorite Eagle song ever and the best music video made since 1986 right it has that feel he's even gotten the feathery 80s hair singing into the into the eight corners or the pine cone is awesome so so good but what this is doing from a narrative standpoint is letting us know that he's not just a doormat like he has feelings because we haven't really gotten a lot of that we've gotten a couple of fumbling bumbling right but we haven't gotten fumbling mumbly I love it yeah we haven't gotten the like this is really hurting me yeah feel until we get this going back to what we were talking about how how often we misinterpret the emotion or intent behind another person's behavior yeah and usually that misinterpretation is tied to our own fears or own insecurities so we're shelving your agenda the whole skill is I'm gonna listen to understand not to refute I'm gonna validate your emotions because I can disagree with your words and disagree with your thinking I can disagree with your behavior but there's really no way to disagree with an emotion because an emotion just is yeah you can't you don't feel that yeah what and then if there's anything you're saying that I need to take ownership for or be accountable for let's say you accuse me of like 99 or a hundred things and I think 90 of it is your so off and the other 10% like I can see your point but I don't like the way you're talking to me about it if I can say if I can take ownership of what I agree with and I'm like you're right that's something I need to work on and I'm sorry like have you ever had an argument where you did that like what happens to the balloon it's just like all the air goes out of it yeah like there's no fight yes we do agree with my criticism and then there's no fight right and then what often happens and this is something my wife is really brilliant at is she will unshelved my agenda for me so a lot of times people will take it off the shelf for you other times once they feel heard they feel validated they see that you are taking accountability they are at ease they're no longer like worked up and it's easier for you to say listen do you mind if we talk about my side of things on this now and because you've already shown that you are willing to listen to them and you've already shown that you are willing to be accountable for most people it's a lot easier for them to listen to you now and to be accountable on their side it's the hitch principle well it was dumb 90 and they'll come yeah this is it this is my favorite part of the whole movie it's in one line and it's incredibly simple it's a fully keeping miss a thing but boom I was in the theater and I'm like yeah like shelving your agenda did you and people are like literally nobody else nothing they didn't even know I'm here what do you need let's look at the context you like we know what Anna's gone through we know she's got a plan Kristoff is coming fresh on the scene he's got nothing he's been off lost in the woods singing a power ballad he has no context for what's going on but in so many moments where the the guy saves the girl it's like lucky for you I was in the neighborhood right now we're gonna go do this other thing that I need to do right yeah or even worse like what's going on or what did you do implying like she's made a mess that I don't have to clean up as the big strong man right like all these like Action Hero tropes right instead he says I'm here what do you need boom and this is classic this is perfect shelving your agenda because Christoph's got questions sure he's totally you know he's like why is there giant there are stone giants stomping a forest right ah and so often it's like I you need to explain this to me before I do anything I love honor but she's been a little mm-hmm when it comes to him cuz she's so focused on her sister did seem weird to you she seemed like Elsa hmm that last word really seemed to throw her what was it he realizes now it's not the moment she's in crisis she needs me there on the Shelf that's all gonna come off later I'm here what do you need and she says to get to the dam he says I'm sorry I left you behind I was just so desperate to protect her I know I know it's okay my love is not fragile boom booyah and he says it but he's been demonstrating it the entire film if you say that it means nothing yeah if you demonstrate it over and over and over yeah then when you actually say it and my love is not fragile doesn't mean I haven't been hurt or worried or concerned or you know whatever it means we're gonna be fine yeah we'll get through this it's a problem yeah but we're good because that's successful relationships you hurt each other you offend each other you wound each other all these things happen and that's what commitment is richer poorer sickness and health like good times and in bad um but you noticed she unshelved his agenda well first she said I'm sorry I left you in the woods like she recognized exactly what she did I know what you were feeling and I'm sorry that I made you feel that way yeah I recognize that I made you feel that way that's awesome accountability on her part yep so now he finally gets his moment yeah and now's the time for it yep and you noticed she's she's so moved and ready for it she's even doing like this thing I'm verklempt but the reason this worked is because the other times he tried early on he was ignoring what was going on with her yeah I'm not saying he shelters agenda the whole time like early on he tries to put his first no he kept having his agenda out too want to marry a man you just met wait what crazy you didn't say I was crazy you think I'm crazy mm-hmm and then having to shelve it in case we die you think we're gonna die no no no no we will die not because it was like I and I'm in the wrong time here okay but he he wasn't aware enough to not even try in the first he's not perfect at this yeah but he figured it out by the end of all of those scenes yeah yeah that's you know I because I'm a deeply damaged flawed person think of my life in scenes uh-huh and in storytelling and in filmmaking in particular you really want an arc in every scene right yeah every scene starts in one place and then an argument or a fight or just you know some kind of something happens where the scene ends somewhere in somewhere else and so you need to have that in storytelling anytime where there's an opportunity to listen to someone to learn and to grow you can do that yeah you can have a scene yeah your life where you start hearing you in there yeah and he you know starts these scenes in not great places by the big heroic what do you need a moment he starts the scene in the right place he doesn't even have his agenda out yeah like it's over there don't worry about it what are you mock monsters will do that though they will yeah every time I've had to rescue someone from giant rock monsters it's been the same this is this is how to live a fulfilling life it's cinema therapy you're welcome [Laughter] [Music] oh did you boys get all dressed up and he has gone full Alen hair yeah he has one hour he looks better with one hour that's okay I prefer you in leather anyway what whoa I'm through different things to to different audiences Jon I prefer you in leather anyway Wow I mean well who doesn't you don't want to go to the extremes we talked about fight or flight and whenever there's conflict we enter into fight or flight mode flight would look like conflict avoidance right yeah I don't want to have this fight I don't wanna have this argument and that usually looks like not shelving your agenda but stuffing your feelings or if there's conflict you can go into fight mode which looks like attacking which looks like my agenda my needs this is what we're doing the sweet spot in the middle is no my needs matter my feelings matter but you're upset you're afraid you're angry I'm gonna come back to what I need but if you're angry I don't have to be angry if you're afraid I don't have to be afraid if you're overwhelmed I don't have to be overwhelmed but I can care and I can be present and anything that I need can we can deal with later thank you for explaining showing your agenda yeah something that I instinctively occasionally do but not very often I think everybody stumbles into it once oh yeah you accidentally do it all the time but knowing it helps you to mindfully do it absolutely so thank you for watching cinema therapy as always please like subscribe hit the bell you can follow us on other social media at therapy underscore cinema if you want to watch frozen - it's on Disney Plus or you can use the link down below to rent or buy it you can also use a link down below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with moi until next time ride your reindeer wear your delicious leather chaps and watch movies delicious delicious yeah well you know [Music]

Channel: Cinema Therapy

Views: 1,592,127

Keywords: cinematherapy, cinema therapy, mental health, counseling, therapy, mental health therapy, Jonathan Decker, Alan Seawright, frozen 2, kristoff and anna, kristoff proposes to anna, kristoff proposal, disney movies, disney animation, disney animation studios, relationship advice, relationship goals, therapist reacts

Id: XaVm9YenVJQ

Length: 15min 54sec (954 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 03 2020