The Covert Narcissistic Husband

hello i'm dharm again welcome to my mental health information and awareness channel now today's topic is an answer to a question um can men be covert narcissists um following on from a video i did on a relationship with a vulnerable narcissistic wife you know what would a relationship with a vulnerable narcissistic husband be like okay now if you find this video helpful please consider subscribing to my channel and please check out my other videos on mental health related topics first of all when we're talking about narcissism i'm not talking about how we can be selfish from time to time because we all can i'm talking about pathological narcissism and let's be clear women can be narcissists as well they can be covert narcissists they can be grandiose narcissists as well but for today i'm focusing on a husband and when i use the term husband i'm referring to i suppose any kind of long-term male partner now narcissistic personalities can be characterized by being self-centered having a sense of entitlement low in agreeableness being manipulative and having no respect for boundaries and there are different shades as i've talked about before the two extremes being the grandiose or the overt um or being the vulnerable or the covert you know the terms are interchangeable but they they would be at the two extremes um of the narcissistic spectrum and there's a lot of different types in between so behavior number one he is in a constant state of discontent and strain he is always at some kind of a disadvantage to everybody else everything is a hassle to him everything is a chore but because he's such a great fella he perseveres but his wife never appreciates anything he does okay now he for example he may cut the grass but he had a bad back while he was doing it you know he looked after the kids but he had been exhausted from work all day he does any kind of housework at all even though he's completely exhausted even though he's absolutely wrecked secondly he tends to lack assertiveness and in fact he can be quite cowardly at times so he's often passive aggressive as opposed to being aggressive and openly threatening any threats are often implied about bad things that might happen to him or or the struggle he might experience or others might experience if if he was to do whatever if something were to happen he will poor scorn complain judge and criticize but he'll always do it uh i suppose from the perspective of the wounded victim the wounded hero he'll make jokes with jags he'll even gossip if he doesn't say something outright something about the wife something about the partner something about the friend something about whoever it is if he doesn't say something outright he will strongly imply it you know things like um i noticed she's sober today did you see that i'm glad you're here because she feels mental when you're not here at least she behaves thirdly he has what i would describe as a kind of quiet kind of smugness to him he will always know best and he'll be very crushed and wounded if if he's at any kind of fault or if he's disagreed with now unlike the grandiose um he's not going to jump all over the wife's opinion and he will more like passively observe thinking of ways to undermine and rubbish her now this could involve things like eye rolling signs shaking his head laughing at her as he walks off in mid-sentence he will generally dismiss anything she has to say due to his superiority and he will create the most outrageous narratives based on his own conceited views because remember underneath this this smug confident facade is is a very vulnerable shamed person who struggles to connect with anybody in any kind of meaningful way next up he is self-absorbed as i've already said he is self-absorbed and only views the world around him as to how things apply to him he has an inability to pick up on nuances even from his wife someone he might have known for years quickly jumping to conclusions never giving the benefit of the died or accepting that he may be mistaken and it is always what he wants if he and if he isn't interested in it then it's boring it's stupid it's useless why would anybody waste their time any response to anything is always going to be from his perspective from his frame of reference and how it applies to him now an example of this might be say his wife were to buy him a new watch for his birthday even if he said you know i need a new watch and she buys him a watch you know she picks a really nice watch the type of thing that he would like it won't be the one he wanted you know he typically he may ask for the receipt and go and have it changed for the one he would prefer and he will spend a lot of time a lot of time on his own little hobbies his video games his golfers whatever it is he does because he is under so much strain and he needs to relax now it doesn't matter what his wife's going through it doesn't matter what she has to do he's the one that needs to rest and recover if she were to ask him to help you know um even you know trying to embarrass some shame into helping her because she's under so much pressure chances are he will put in the poorest most half-assed attempt and pretty much watch her get frustrated tell him to go back to doing what he's doing and she ends up doing it herself next up he seems incapable of having a good time now for example the meal in the restaurant was delicious it was a lovely restaurant but he had a sore stomach you know that concert was great it was really exciting but he had a headache all the sex was marvelous but he had a sore because to connect with anyone on any more than the surface level might expose some kind of vulnerability there might be some kind of new expectation on them so you know these tactics are a way of keeping her at a distance next up he lacks empathy now like i've said before any responses are always going to be about himself so if his wife were to come to him in some kind of distress something awful has happened she's worried about something that conversation will be turned around to be about him you know for example did you think that's bad would he hear what happened to me like i said anything at all he does is always going to be under a strain there will be some kind of illness or injury or difficult obstacle he had to overcome something he had to persevere through and that lack of connection naturally it's his wife's fault because she just doesn't understand him she just doesn't get him she just doesn't appreciate him because his self-esteem is so low everything is processed and taken personally it's about him not his behavior it's about him if his wife were to disagree with him then in his mind she is a bad nagging kind of fish wife who doesn't appreciate him he is a put upon man trying his best more often than not he will be convinced that his wife is cheating on him or slandering him to others um now i believe it is only a belief i believe that it's because if he were truly honest with himself i think he knows that she could do so much better than him she deserves so much better than him because he doesn't really know how to have or maintain a healthy positive image of himself so he will create these fantasies of being a heroic brave assertive person and she must buy into it so this kind of makes him like an outrageous liar but it's all just to make him seem interesting next up is the toxic amnesia night i think this leads to there being no learning no growing um he forgets the lie he told two minutes ago he forgets the thing they agreed that very morning that's often why the arguments are about the same thing over and over again and if not they are the same recurring theme and pattern because the only thing he ever learns are new tactics to do the same thing and the same thing is usually to avoid any kind of responsibility and he will guilt-trip her but he will guilt-trip her in a very child-like way you know uh him and his wife have an argument earlier on so for the rest of the evening he's he's stomping about the house he he now has to set as a version order he starts writing out his will in front of her you know are you watching me do this he starts writing letters for his children for them to read years from now when they're older and he's long since gone because of the argument they had maybe 10 minutes ago so what's going on with him well i believe he lacks the ability to control bully intimidate domineer the way his grandiose counterpart can so he tries he tries more hardly chad's like neglectful tactics unlike most on the narcissistic spectrum he's punishing his wife for the emotional humiliation that unkind humor he was subjected to that learned helplessness that he learned as a kid now normally from say a narcissistic parent he doesn't really know how to be himself he doesn't really know how to have a healthy toxic free relationship with anyone never mind himself so he thinks his wife only loves him if she worships him if she drops everything for him sees things his way agrees with everything he says rescues and praises him he wants to be the only thing in her life the ironically the very things he's doing are the very things that are pushing her away he is alone he is emotionally isolated and he is in pain he wants his wife to be as well so they're my thoughts on what a relationship with a vulnerable narcissistic husband is like there's other things such as gaslighting blame shifting constant tantrums and so on if you have any thoughts or opinions please use the comment box below i like reading and responding to your comments please let me know if there's any other topics you'd like me to cover in future videos and if you like this video please consider subscribing to my channel for future updates on mental health related topics thanks for watching

Channel: Darren F Magee

Views: 196,487

Keywords: covert narcissist husband, vulnerable narcissistic husband, narcissistic husband, vulnerable narcissism, covert narcissism, narcissistic behaviours, covert narcissist, vulnerable narcissist, covert narcissist traits male, vulnerable narcissist male, Darren Magee, narcissistic abuse, lack of empathy narcissist, narcissistic passive aggressive behaviour, wounded hero narcissist, covert narcissists are cowards, covert narcissists are lazy, covert narcissists in relationships

Id: cqCajyuiCo4

Length: 10min 23sec (623 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 24 2020