PLEASE, RELAX. SO HOW MANY OF YOU ARE IN TOWN FOR THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY RIGHT NOW? HOW MANY OF YOU ARE VISITING? NO ONE IS? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IF YOU KNOW, I JUST FOUND THIS OUT, THAT YOU REQUCAN BRING A TY ON THE PLANE. ACCORDING TO THE TSA, IT'S OKAY TO PACK A COOKED TURKEY IN YOUR CARRY-ON BAG. MASHED POTATOES ARE ALLOWED. AND AS MUCH GRAVY AS YOU CAN FIT IN A 3-OUNCE SHAMPOO BOTTLE IS ALLOWED. PREVIOUSLY, YOU HAD TO GET A NOTE FROM YOUR DOCTOR SAYING IT WAS A COMFORT ANIMAL. WHY IS THIS AN ANNOUNCEMENT? WHO CARRIES A TURKEY ON THE PLANE? IF YOU HAVE TO FLY WITH YOUR OWN TURKEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD RETHINK WHERE YOU'RE GOING. MOTHER'S COOKING IS THAT BAD? ORDER CHINESE FOOD. THANKSGIVING IS THE DAY WE DRINK ALL DAY AND THEN BLAME THE TURKEY FOR MAKING US SLEEPY. AND ONE OF THE MANY THINGS WE GIVE THANKS FOR AT THIS TIME IS OUR NATION'S LOCAL NEWSCASTERS WHO REALLY KNOW HOW TO GET US IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT. >> HHHLLLLLLL. >> LLLLL. >> GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE. >> BLLLLL. >> BALK BALK BALK. >> GOBBLE, GOBBLE. >> Jimmy: MORE THAN 20 MILLION AMERICANS ARE FACING WINTER WEATHER WARNINGS WHICH WILL LIGHTLY LEAD TO FLIGHTLAFLO FLO CANCELLATIONS AND DELAYS. THERE'S A FLASH FLOOD WARNING AND WE'RE ON FIRE AGAIN. IT COULD GET BAD IN NEW YORK. THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE COULD KIND UP IN NEW JERSEY THIS YEAR. THEY MIGHT HAVE TO GROUND THE FLOAT FLOATS AT THE PARADE. IT IS NOT GOOD. CAN'T PRESIDENT TRUMP USE HIS MAGIC WEATHER SHARPIE TO SCRIBBLE OUT THE STORMS AND [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THROW SOME SUN IN THERE? YOU KNOW DONALD TRUMP WANTS TO GET HIS POLL NUMBERS UP, I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT TODAY, HE SHOULD INSTITUTE A TRAVEL BAN FOR THANKSGIVING WEEK. NOBODY'S ALLOWED TO GO ANYWHERE. SORRY, MOM, I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO MY CONNECTING FLIGHT TO AKRON TO SLEEP IN A CHILD-SIZED BED, BUT IT'S ILLEGAL NOW. OUR YAM-HEADED PRESIDENT IS HEADED TO MAR-A-LAGO. HE PARDONED TWO TURKEYS AND I THINK A KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN WHILE HE WAS AT IT. HE SEEMED TO RELISH THIS VERY SILLY ANNUAL TRADITION. >> TODAY WE ALSO COME TOGETHER TO HONOR THE BEAUTIFUL FEATHERED FRIEND, THE NOBLE TURKEY. NOW THAT'S A BEAUTY. BUTTER, I WISH YOU A LOT OF LUCK, BUT I HEREBY GRANTS YOU A FULL AND COMPLETE PARDON. [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: FOR WHAT? THOSE TURKEYS SHOULD BE PARDONING HIM, BY THE WAY. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HE'S, YESTERDAY THE PRESIDENT SIGNED THE WOMEN'S SUFFRAGE CENTENNIAL COMMEMORATIVE COIN ACT TO ESTABLISH A COIN HONORING THE 100TH ANNIVERSARY OF A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO VOTE. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS. SOMEHOW HE FOUND A WAY TO MAKE THAT EVENT ABOUT HIM. [ APPLAUSE ] >> SO, AND THEY HAVE, THEY'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR YEARS AND YEARS, AND I'M CURIOUS, WHY WASN'T IT DONE A LONG TIME AGO? AND ALSO, I GUESS THE ANSWER TO THAT IS BECAUSE NOW I'M PRESIDENT, WE GET THINGS DONE. WE GET A LOT OF THINGS DONE THAT NOBODY ELSE GOT DONE. >> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, WELL, NOTHING SCREAMS EQUAL RIGHTS LIKE A WOMAN IN A BEAUTY PAGEANT SASH. PUT THAT BACK UP THERE FOR A SECOND. THERE YOU GO. I LOVE THAT HE ASKS WHY DIDN'T THEY DO THIS A LONG TIME AGO. MR. PRESIDENT, THE WORD CENTENNIAL MEANS -- QUIET, I'M SWEATING! HE'S THE BEST. IN OTHER LANDMARK NEWS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW HOW HE SAID I WAS GOING TO BUILD A WALL AND MEXICO WAS GOING TO PAY FOR IT? HE HASN'T AND THEY WON'T. WITH THE ELECTION COMING UP HE REALLY WANTS TO GET THIS GOING. WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE, WHO DO YOU TURN TO? THAT'S RIGHT, NONE OTHER THAN JAI JAIR ED KUSHNER. HE IS NOW IN CHARGE OF THE WALL. AND WHAT HE LACKS IN WALL-BUILDING EXPERIENCE, HE ALSO LACKS IN EVERYTHING ELSE. WASN'T HE SUPPOSED TO BE BRINGING PEACE TO THE MIDDLE EAST? DID WE GIVE UP ON THAT? THIS IS GOOD, TOO. YOU REMEMBER JIM BAKER? HE IS THE DISGRACED TELEADVAN TELL ADVANTAGIST. GOOD NEWS. HE'S BACK. AND HE HAS SOME EARTH-SHATTERING INFORMATION TO SHARE. >> DO YOU WANT TO SEE A CHART THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND? I JUST GOT THIS FROM ONE OF MY NEWS MEN HERE IN THE STAFF. YOU SEE THAT? YOU SEE WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS THE LOWEST EARTHQUAKE, LOOK, WE'RE GOING ALONG WITH EARTHQUAKES. THIS IS EARTHQUAKES. AND THEN LOOK AT, LOOK AT DOWN HERE. >> AMAZING. >> YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? THAT'S THE ELECTION OF DONALD TRUMP. WHY WOULD THERE BE A DIP IN THE EARTHQUAKES AT THE TIME OF THE ELECTION? WHY WOULD THERE BE LESS EARTHQUAKES THERE? >> Jimmy: WHY WOULD, WHY DID IT GO ALL THE WAY UP AT THE END? THAT'S THE QUESTION I WANT ANSWERED. AND BY THE WAY, THE CHART, IT'S ONE OF THOSE -- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IT ISN'T EVEN SLIGHTLY ACCURATE. THIS IS AN ACCURATE CHART OF EARTHQUAKES DURING THE TIME PERIOD. SO SOMEONE MADE THE OTHER ONE UP TO PROVE ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT PEOPLE I GUESS WHO WATCH JIM BAKER AREN'T VERY SMART. MEANWHILE, THERE'S BIG IMPEACHMENT NEWS TODAY. WE LEARNED THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALLY PUT AID TO UKRAINE ON HOLD THE SAME DAY AS HIS INFAMOUS CALL TO THE UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT, AND HE DIDN'T RELEASE THAT AID UNTIL AFTER HE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WHISTLE-BLOWER KPLAINT, AND YET 50% OF AMERICANS ARE STILL ON THE FENCE. EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED. THERE'S NOT A SINGLE PERSON INVOLVED IN THIS, NOT IN CONGRESS, THE WHITE HOUSE, MEDIA, WHO DOESN'T KNOW TRUMP SHOOK DOWN UKRAINE FOR POLITICAL DIRT. HIS CHIEF OF STAFF ADMITTED IT AND SAID WE SHOULD GET OVER IT, AND YET THE DEMOCRATS ARE STILL BUILDING A CASE, LIKE THIS IS IS AN EPISODE OF THE GOOD WIFE OR SOMETHING. WE KNOW WHO DONE IT. IT'S THE LARGE ORANGE MAN SCREAMING AT REPORTERS ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN. [ APPLAUSE ] BUT A NNEW POLLS FROM CNN CLAIM ONLY HALF OF AMERICANS WANT HIM IMPEACHED AND REMOVED. THIS IS WHAT TRUMP'S SON ERIC TWEETED DURING THE IMPEACHMENT HEARING. IT IS A PERFECT DAY FOR A NICE BOTTLE OF THIS, THESE PEOPLE ARE INSANE, @TRUMP WINERY. YOU HAVE TO HAND IT TO THEM. THEY HAVE NO SHAME AT ALL. MOST FAMILIES MIGHT SEE AS HUMILIATION THEY SEE AS MARKETING OPPORTUNITY. >> EXTORTING OUR ALLIES, DENYING CLIMATE CHANGE, SEPARATING FAMILIES, TELLING MORE THAN 13,000 LIES IN OFFICE. SUCKING UP TO DICTATORS, VALIDATING NAZIS, EMPLOYING WHITE SUPREMACISTS, AND TEARING THE FABRIC OF OUR DEMOCRACY APART, THIS THANKSGIVING, MAKE TIME FOR TRUMP WINE. BECAUSE IVANKA WENT BANKRUPT. >> Jimmy: IT'S THE WINE THAT LEAVES A STAIN ON EVERYTHING. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. WE HAVE MUSIC TONIGHT FROM BISHOP BRIGGS. ANDREW YANG IS HERE. AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH LAURA DERN. BOTH OF THEM ARE WORKING HARD TO DEFEAT DINOSAURS. YOU KNOW THANKSGIVING OVER THE YEARS HAS GIVEN RISE TO SPINOFF HOLIDAYS. SOME PEOPLE HAVE FRIENDS GIVING WHICH IS LIKE THANKSGIVING EXCEPT WITH PEOPLE YOU CHOOSE TO EAT WITH. THIS YEAR,IVE AB I'VE BEEN ALER WHAT MIGHT BE THE WORST HOLIDAY OF ALL, WORKS GIVING. IT'S LIKE THANKSGIVING AT WORK. LIKE REGULAR THANKSGIVING BUT YOU'RE IN A CONFERENCE ROOM EATING GIBLETS NEXT TO SOMEONE FROM HR. PEOPLE HAVE BEEN POSTING PHOTOS OF WORK GIVING. MAKE SURE TO VIEW THE HEIMLICH POSTER. YOU HAVE THE FOLDING TABLES AND CUBICLES. IT'S LIKE THE NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTING BUT SAD. HEY, EVERYBODY, WE HAVE BURGERS AND SOUP JRKS UM, OKAY, THAT LOOKS FUN. GREAT BEAN CASSEROLE, MARY, CAN I BE FINISHED YET? AND THE CHAIRS SAY SUCCESS, BUT THE MOOD SAYS OTHERWISE. THIS IS A VERY SAD NEW TRADITION. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THANKSGIVING. PLEASE STOP DOING THIS AT WORK. THIS, TO ME, THIS VIDEO CAPTURES THE SPIRIT OF THANKSGIVING. MAYBE MORE THAN ANY VIDEO I'VE EVER SEEN. >> GREAT. FIRST TIME FRYING A TURKEY. STAY INSIDE, PLEASE. STAY INSIDE. >> STAY INSIDE, GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW JRKS OH, ■MYGOD. >> THAT'S EVERY THANKSGIVING EMOTION ROLLED UP INTO ONE. JUN JU JO . >> Jimmy: AS I'M CARVING THE TURKEY, I SAY, SO, WHO'S EVERYBODY VOTING FOR? ALL THE NONSENSE IN WASHINGTON, THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY MIGHT BE DIFFICULT THIS YEAR. SO TO HELP AVOID ANY UNWANTED DRAMA, TO GET YOU READY FOR ANYTHING, WE'VE INVITED A SPECIAL GUEST TO THE SHOW TONIGHT. PLEASE WELCOME, YOUR UNCLE. HELLO, UNCLE. UNCLE? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> HEY, THERE, SPORT, HAPPY THANKSGIVING. >> Jimmy: YOU, TOO. >> CAN I STILL SAY THAT? OR IS IT HAPPY INDIGENOUS FOODS DAY? >> Jimmy: YOU CAN STILL SAY THAT. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD HELP US OUT. >> MORE LIBERALS LOOKING FOR HANDOUTS, HANDOUTS. WE UNCLES HAVE REAL DOOZIES. >> Jimmy: LIKE WHAT? >> WE'LL TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU'D EXPECT, THE CHOOIMT CHANGE HOAX, AOC BISCUITS. AND WE'LL DIP BACK INTO TOPICS YOU THOUGHT WERE DEAD, LIKE BENGHAZI. AND THE FACT THAT MOST LESBIAN ARE WITCHES. >> Jimmy: WHAT? WITCHES? >> EVER SEEN A LESBIAN FLOAT? >> Jimmy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? >> OH, IT'S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS YET, AND WE ALREADY HAVE A SNOWFLAKE, WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOK, IT'S CALLED FREE SPEECH. I THOUGHT YOU LEFTY OAT MILK LOVERS WERE ALL ABOUT THE CONSTITUTION. OH, HEY, AND SPEAKING OF THE CONSTITUTION, DID YOU KNOW THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE THAT'S SAYING I HAVE TO PAY TAXES? >> Jimmy: WELL, PRETTY SURE THERE'S SOMETHING THAT SAYS YOU HAVE TO PAY TAXES, UNCLE. >> DON'T CONDE SESCEND ME, YOU FURKI, NIPPLE SUCKER. >> Jimmy: LET'S STICK TO WHAT YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER, OKAY? >> I DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY TOO MUCH. BUT LET'S JUST SAY I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT THE MEXICANS HELPED HILLARY WIN IN 2016. >> Jimmy: BUT HILLARY DIDN'T WIN IN 2016. >> READ THE TRANSCRIPT, L LIBERACE. >> Jimmy: DID YOU KNOW WE ALMOST DIDN'T INVITE YOU OVER FOR DINNER THIS YEAR? >> WHAT? I'M YOUR UNCLE. YOU SHOULD CHERISH THE TIME WE HAVE LEFT. >> Jimmy: WELL, DI -- >> I HAVE A HEART CONDITION. >> Jimmy: YOU HAVE A HEART CONDITION? >> YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DO, AND YOU PROBABLY DO, TOO. IT'S HEREDITARY. IT WAS SPREAD THROUGH GRANDPA JERRY'S SPERM SACK AFTER HE GOT VACCINATED. >> Jimmy: THANKS, UNCLE, I'LL SEE YOU AT MOM'S. >> BYE,
