Jimmy Kimmel Knows How to Get Trump to Leave. Marry Him!

hi there i'm jimmy i'm host of the show who forgot to button his jacket thanks for watching thanks to our studio audience who escaped from their cubicles to be here tonight the sound of clapping just for those of you at home is the skeleton staff we've assembled to pretend they enjoy me i'm a company tonight thank you thank you very much uh my security guard guillermo is beside me as always how are you tonight guillermo fantastic jimmy and do you like your stool the stool that i've provided for you yeah i feel like a baby in a high chair but you do but i like it you look like a baby in a high chair in a way i was worried you've been getting too much exercise uh during your home confinement uh did you watch the lakers game last night yeah we lost it was a terrible game what happened que paso okay we were losing by uh like almost like 20 points yeah and we tried to come back in the last quarter but we couldn't come back and we lost by six i think that kind of analysis could get you a job on espn yeah maybe univision right time magazine has unveiled their annual list of the 100 most influential people the list includes donald trump joe biden megan the stallion all the world leaders are on it i actually wrote a little blurb about dr fauci for it they asked me to write to honor him and i said how many people passed on this before he got to me they claimed it was only one but anyway i wrote it and because i respect dr fauci and also because i'm hoping he'll sneak me an early vial of the vaccine if i ever meet him here's what i'm just gonna turn around and gently lower my pants got anything for me although i do that when i meet most public health officials hey time also announced that the least influential person of the year for 2020 was this lady who despite the sign and all the yelling was unable to affect any change to baskin robbins mask policy so sorry to her you know because of the pandemic the cdc is urging families to skip trick-or-treating this year which really screws me up because that's my bit i'm the one who takes the kids candy away not the cdc they're now recommending that if kids want to do something spooky on halloween they should sit quietly and think about how badly the administration handled the pandemic response halloween is a major source of revenue for candy companies it's a five billion dollar industry but i think with a little bit of rebranding these companies could embrace covid and really cash in for halloween for example are you ready for examples all right you better be or you're all fired all right here are the examples uh for instance who wouldn't enjoy a bag of pandemines or now in ventilators or lemon droplets or feverishly hot tamales no more payday bars reese's sneezes good in fouchy circus ppe nuts stand milky way over there three musketeers stuck at home with sour patch kids and finally mike and ike are dead so too soon meanwhile these are uh there are some new new concerns about foreign interference in our election because of all the mail-in ballots that are expected it could take a while for votes to be counted which means there's a good chance we might not know who won on election night or maybe even for days or possibly weeks later so the fbi yesterday issued a warning that so-called foreign actors might try to use the extra time between voting and results to spread disinformation and undermine confidence in u.s democratic institutions the foreign actors they are specifically worried about are these the cast of shit's creek first they come for our emmys then they come for our democracy folks you know there's increasing concern that even if he loses trump will refuse to leave the white house but here's the thing it's simple if the american people want to guarantee that donald trump will leave us there's a very easy thing we can do marry him i miss the drummer sometimes you know by the way you know who's gonna be voting for the first time ever this year mike tyson mike tyson tweeted yesterday that he he's proud he will finally cast a vote in this election and i think that's great if for no other reason that i want to hear mike tyson say the words participating in a democracy speaking of of prize fights we are now less than a week away from the first presidential debate between donald trump joe biden the debate will be held in cleveland at case western reserve university never heard of it either trump has reportedly been preparing for the debates by watching a lot of television that's right he's been training 12 hours a day for the past four years for this debate they say biden is considering taking a page from trump's book and putting the women who accused him of sexual assault in the audience for debate the way trump did with hillary clinton but they're not allowed to have more than 400 people in the crowd so um watching joe biden in these debates is gonna be like watching your kid in a school play you'd be like did very good all right there will be no audience for the debate so the president has been warning himself up with a a series of appearances in towns like moonship moon township pennsylvania where he was last night once again he floated this strange idea slash accusation he's trying to get out there that he and joe biden should take drug tests this guy doesn't have a clue he doesn't know where the hell he is and they'll give him a shot of something i don't know he's going to get something he'll be you know because i watched him so badly he performed so badly in the debates and then with bernie he was average not great but he got through and i said what the hell is he taking and we'd like to ask him and i said that we want a drug test we want a drug test we'll both take it they're both like i don't think lipitor is considered to be performance enhancing but i hope biden takes them up on i would love to see trump's drug test propecia cialis dexa trim adderall that one that stops you from leaking i bet he's got well he'd probably get the same guy who took his s.a.t test for him to take the drug test kamala harris is gearing up for her one and only vice presidential debate with mike pence next month during her practice sessions which i don't seem that necessary mayor pete buttigieg has been standing in for mike pence you know they do these practice debates do you even need a person to fill in for mike pence just put a white wig on a mop and call it a day there's a lot on the line for pence well for one thing he's going to be forced to be in the same room as a woman without mother standing by which is difficult but i'm worried about mike pets if he wants to knock this debate out of the park he really needs to get some new material pence has been on the road telling the same phony story about his daily conversation with president trump over and over again i gotta tell you when i told him i was gonna be in michigan tonight when he was in london i think he sounded just a little bit jealous when i told him last night that i was headed to iowa i think he looked just a little bit jealous when i told him yesterday that i was headed to wisconsin i think he sounded just a little bit jealous when i told him this morning that i was headed to la crosse headed to the grand canyon state headed to the keystone state headed to louisiana headed to pennsylvania i think he looked just a little bit jealous and i think he sounded just a little bit jumpy i thought he sounded just a little bit jealous i thought he sounded just a little bit jealous i think he sounded just a little bit jealous i think he sounded just a little bit jealous i think he sounded just a little bit jealous i think he sounded just a little bit jealous he sounded just a little bit jealous i think he sounded just a little bit jealous i think you might need to be rebooted mr vice president charges were filed today on a serious subject in the case of briana taylor who as you know was killed by police in a raid of her apartment even though she done nothing many are upset there are protests in louisville and elsewhere as well so the president as he is known to do took a moment to offer words of healing and unity and condolences to the taylor family mr president do you believe that justice was served in the beyond brianna taylor case in kentucky and what is your message to the black community who believe that perhaps justice was not served by the decision that was rendered by the grand jury in kentucky well my message is that i love the black community and i've done more for the black community than any other president and i say uh with the possible exception of abraham lincoln and i mean that with opportunity zones and with criminal justice reform with prison reform with what we've done for historically black universities colleges schools what we've done it's nobody's done more abraham lincoln let's give him the nod but beyond that nobody's done more very humble giving lincoln the nod it's amazing really no matter what you say no matter what you ask him he makes it about himself see we ask him what he thinks about the celtics and the playoffs nobody's done more for the irish no one's driven more snakes out of ireland maybe saint patrick will give him the nod but thank you for yet another sweatysburg address donald can we just have the election now is anyone actually undecided this kind of tells you all you need to know with all that's going on right now all division and fear and unemployment last month the trump campaign spent 477 000 on fireworks for real roll the tape here not only did mexico not pay for the wall trump paid them half a million dollars for fireworks this was the display for the republican national convention and it's a beautiful display there's no question about that but the fact that they had and the fact that they toppled the washington monument well i'm sure they'll get that all taped up trump never could understand why they built a monument to denzel washington in the first place so this is our first week here in our studio after uh six months of working from home and when you're a couple and you've been cooped up together for half the year you have a chance to to rediscover each other for better or worse you remember what you like most about your partner and maybe you have it upon some new things that you don't so we asked our staff those who have a plus one to share with us the significant things they've learned about their significant others during quarantine and i hope you find some comfort in this videotape for your own relationship i've learned that my wife likes to angle the computer towards an open doorway during her work zooms so on more than one occasion all of her co-workers have seen me pass by naked my girlfriend's a copywriter which apparently means watching endless tick tocks at full volume while doing very little writing i've learned that my wife in quarantine likes to vacuum three times a day once in the morning once in the afternoon and once right before bed for some reason she needs to have that ac 24 7 okay 24 7. and it gets cold so i don't like that so at night time i wake up and go turn her off and and i told her listen you don't pay the bill the bills are going to be real expensive during my time together with my fiance i learned that she's the person on zoom calls that uses all those like business jargon terms like circle back touch base and my least favorite turnkey while in quarantine i've come to learn that while my husband loves the idea of cooking from scratch he's not that great at following through so our refrigerator is now full of unused sourdough starter and the house smells like vinegar because the dining room is a kombucha factory i've learned from my significant other that we have two different types of kitchen scissors after nearly six months of working from home down the hall from my husband i have learned that he will literally work in his own filth and trash for for days sometimes weeks i have found having grapes on the table and the other day our one-year-old daughter had some mustard on the bottom of her foot and i eventually figured out that my husband had left a paper plate with mustard on the floor and i'm guessing that she stepped in that so yeah the bug zapper is a nice touch too you know what just get some yellow carpeting and your mustard problem is solved so thanks to our staff for sharing tonight on our show tim mcgraw is with us and we'll be right back with rizzommed so stick around thanks for watching remember every time you click the subscribe button one of your enemies gets destroyed

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 612,399

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Pandemic, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Social Distancing, Quarantine, Monologue, Trump, Donald Trump, Mike Tyson, Presidential debate, Joe Biden, Drug Tests, Halloween, Candy, Kamala Harris, Mike Pence, Pete Buttigieg, Little Bit Jealous, Breonna Taylor, Fireworks, Washington Monument, Kimmel Staff, Guillermo

Id: uqWS29mMk5Y

Length: 13min 18sec (798 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 24 2020