In a man's heart and in his
dreams, there is and always has been,
the Woods. The wild, the untamed. It is here, away from the
noise and the never-ending
ticking down of the clock of his life,
that he discovers himself, his destiny, and whether or
not he has what it takes... ...to be a man at all. ♪ [music] Then again... A man can discover much from
a pair of slippers, a good cup of coffee and five
minutes of peace and quiet in the morning. And
so describes the rythm, rhyme and oh so rare harmony
of the middle-aged dad in middle America. Life in suburbia is an
underrated adventure, even with the very
predictable daily routine. Not only can I pretty much
predict what I'm getting into
from dawn to dusk, I rather count on it. [ugh] Have you seen the other
straightener? We have more than one hair
straightener? I called it first thing this
morning, and Kristen took it
again! I don't know what to tell you. [ ugh ] Mom! Mornings around here are a
predictable, even comfortable choreography. There's always a hair issue
by 6:30, a shoe crisis follows soon
after... Did you take my other boot? Why would I take your boot? [ugh] [stomping sounds] Lunch money... Hi, daddy! Watcha doing? What do you need? Can I buy today? I just bought a fridge full
of lunch fixins. I don't have time! [said
together] Mom doesn't have any cash and
she says to ask you. Also would you make her a
latte? You know what? It's waiting
for her-- but um, can you microwave it?
You know she hates it cold. And here-- try to buy something organic
for her. [ bus is coming! ] It's pizza
day. but it's our routine. from the outside... Kisses for dad please. I can predict down to the
second how it will go as it leads into the rest of
a predictable day. Microwave my latte? You heard that? Have a glorious day, loves of
my life. And you know what? I like that! [ gasp ] Dad? Then came that November
morning when it all changed. [ sounds of kids laughing on
the bus ] Look on the bright side... at least it didn't rain. [ sound of thunder overhead ] Have fun! This is my work. I edit books. Please note that I did not say I like to edit books. Sadly for me, I just happen to be pretty
good at it, and I can't seem to ever
finish any of my own masterpieces, so here we are. And he's running for his life through the streets of London
with the nuclear codes [ Trent interrupts ] and the location of the dirty bomb. The ticking clock of course is that he knows that the next terrorist attack is
at midnight. And uh... he's an interior designer... It's the perfect cover. Who would believe an interior
designer in Chelsea is a sleeper agent-- and a Navy Seal? You know? Not me. Precisely! Most men don't know the
difference between a duvet cover and a throw rug! [ laughing ] [ laughing ] So funny! [ laughing harder ] Bam! That's it! [ more laughing ] Best-seller list. Boom! Boom indeed! [ tired laughing ] Well, that has to be the
worst pitch I have ever heard. Sit. Uh oh. [ door shuts ] Do you like your job, Roy? Carla, please. I've been with you since you
started this littleprint shop. You were making fun of the
authors in there. Well, that was terrible,
Carla! They're the authors, Roy... not us. [sigh] When am I going to see your book? Oh, any day now. You know, when I hired you, this was going to be a
training stop. Yeah, well then came 3 kids
and a mortgage. Steinbeck had kids and a
mortgage. Do we need to explore this
any further? Nope. Good. You owe me three manuscripts. Get back to work. Yes, ma'am. Roy... finish your book. It's amazing what just
finishing something does for our spirit. Yeah. You know, maybe next year when i finish cleaning the
toilet paper out of my trees. Hey Dude! You rocked it! Best TP job in history! Message sent! How come you guys didn't come? Dude, I was just playing
X-Box. I just forgot. I think she knows it was me. That was the point, dude! Listen man, take it from me... chicks respond to strength. But if she tells her dad it
was me... Look. She's the one who threw
you over for that dork who's taking
her to the winter dance. I thought eighth graders
couldn't go to winter dance. We can't. She's going with a ninth
grader-- who doesn't even live in this
neighborhood. Well, why don't we just TP
his yard? He'd beat us into hamburger. No, Chad, it's exactly what
you said we're sending a
message. What message is that? She should've said no. I don't think she got that
message, Sadler. Well, then it's time to take
it up a notch. I don't think she got that
message, Sadler. [ Argghhh ] I'm taking your car, the minivan's making that
noise again. We are way overdue for
service. Whoa! That's gotta be thirty rolls,
easy. Thirty four...must have gone
to Costco. You sure this is directed at
Ashley? Oh, no doubt. It's kind of an honor, you
know? I'm getting all warm and
fuzzy just thinking about it. You never TP'd a girl? I was uh... pretty cutting edge. I went candy and flowers and
the occasional nice card. Do you know who's so smitten
with our daughter? She says she doesn't know. I
don't believe her. Ok. Taking the twins to dance-- picking them up, taking them
over to play practice. Taking the twins to dance-- Make sure Kristen does her
grammar, and Danielle has to practice
piano. And Ashley has got to wash
her hair tonight. And please don't order pizza. I have healthy stuff in the
freezer. Thanks for doing this! Yep. See ya! Living the dream, babe. Living the dream... Hey, sweetie. Hey, dad. Why are boys so immature at
this age? Were you? Well, I mean... I wanna say no, but... but I probably was. Sorry you had such a tough
day. Well, it wasn't a total
disaster. I got asked to be the color
guard for the homecoming game. Really? Well, that's great! It's totally cool, and if I do good, they may
ask me back for competition. Well, I am going to video
every second of that baby. I'm so proud of you! Come
here. Do me a favor. Stop growing up. I'm sorry about the yard, dad. Well, if I catch whoever did
it... he'll be sorrier. [ ugh ] Oh, man! Really? Come on, Roy! You got one
more! One more! I really don't! You gotta try one more! One more! Jerry take it! Jerry take it! You are never gonna get off
that plateau unless you take
it to failure. What do you call that? [ sigh ] So! The whole yard? Yeah, Yeah! There was like an aircraft
carrier Well, what do you plan on
doing about it? What do you mean? Exactly what I said... What are you gonna do about
it? Cumon! He's just a sick little twerp
pledging his twisted sick
little love for my daughter. It's a whole lot more than
that, Bucko! Your castle's been violated! I think this is stalking. Oh, come on, Jerry! I mean, I think if you ask
me, it's time you get your
shotgun down. I don't have a shotgun. What?? Don't have a shotgun? Three beautiful daughters and
you don't have any firepower? What kind of man are you? Jerry, we live in the
suburbs. Remember? Just say'n... you need a
shotgun. How you doing, Charlie? Divorce is horrible... that's
how. How 'bout you? Fine, I guess. Considering I'd rather be
doing pretty much anything
else on the earth for a
living. Well, I'm doing great! How you doing, darling? Still got it, Jerry. And all settled back into our
routine, when... [ phone rings ] Hey, honey! What's up? Are you in front of your
computer? No, I'm on the runway in my
stealth fighter. Yes, I'm in front of my
computer. I just sent you an email.
Open it. Ok. Click on the link. ♪[ trumpet sounds ] Oh no! Oh yeah! It's everywhere! And look at all the comments! This is a disaster Roy! I'm calling the cops! Wow! The writing is actually
quite good. Roy?? I mean... yeah, this is bad,
but it could have been a lot
worse. I mean, it's not awful. It's actually kinda sweet in
a twisted kind of way. IT'S CALLED HARASSMENT! [ knock knock knock ] Ash, honey... I don't want to talk to
anyone! Come on, it's just me. The twins laughed at me! They're at play practice. Is mom? Yeah, it's just us. My life is over dad. Did you see it? Yeah... we got it pulled down. Yeah, until he puts up the
next installment! Who's doing this, Ash? Brody Jenkins. Who is Brody Jenkins? Hello... We went out in the fifth
grade? [laughing] Went out? You've never even been on a
date. It's an expression. Why would he do this, dad? What could he possibly hope
to gain? Uhhh, I umm... I did something like this at
his age. What? Yeah... ♪ [ 80's music ] I was the
new kid in school in the
eighth grade. who couldn't do a thing about
the daily butt-whooping I'd
get everyday. I was desperate to get
noticed. And I knew it wouldn't be for
my dashing good looks... or athletic prowess. So I picked the coolest
couple in school, and started writing a serial
soap opera about them. ...with artwork. Them, teachers, the
principal... who had a
60-inch waistline. and it got popular... [ kids
laugh ] And what do you suppose
happened? [ kids laugh ] A teacher caught me passing
pages in class. ♪[ 80's music continues ] [ kids burst into laughter ] So, five licks with a paddle
from the big-bellied
principal, and little Roy gets suspended
from school. You? Suspended from school? And what do you suppose
happened after that? You were completely
humiliated and moved to
Africa. I was James Flippin Dean! I was the coolest little
rebel in school. THE WRITER. What about the cool couple? Are you saying Brody Jenkins
made me a star? I read the story, and it was
pretty good, actually. It's better than half the
books I edit. Maybe we should
give him a deal. I would SO kill you if you do. Honey, if it had been
anything ugly, I'd be in his living room
right now. This thing will pass. He'll grow up. I promise. They all do. Hey. Thank you. Is this Brody kid the same
one whose dad died a couple
years ago? Yep. You know them? Not really. But this kid is out of
control. He's been hanging out with
those other two losers. How do you know this? Moms know everything. Jerry says I should get a
shotgun. [ chuckle ] I think you should have a
little man-to-man talk with
this kid. And say what? Stay away from
my daughter? Yes... This is a dad job,
don'tcha think? Why don't you do it? I think
he'd be more scared of you. Ok... Can it wait until the
weekend? Please? I've never threatened
a kid before, and I need to
study up on it. So boys... Nicked'em from my mom's purse. Go for it. Um. Nah. Why not? I just don't. Do you? If I feel like it. But... I just don't, but you can. We're good. We're good. Some other time maybe, but... So, Tenderfoot, me and Chad
been talking-- you're almost in, but the
stakes have gone up. Right, Chad? Oh yeah! [ Announcer talking over the
PA system ] Here you go, guys! Ah, thank you. Oh, I'm so nervous. You'll do great, just watch
me. Thank you. Dad, were you in the marching
band? No, baby, daddy played
football. You played football? Yes, I played football. Sometimes... special teams-- when we were winning by like
a 100 points... Your dad was a fine athlete,
girls. How do you know? He told me! I'm gonna be a cheerleader
just like mommy. Really? Your mom was the best
cheerleader in her high
school. How do you know? She told me! [ all in unison ] Shhh... they're about to
start. ♪[ marching band drum beats ] ♪[ marching band drum beats ] ♪[ marching band drum beats ] [ crowd cheering ] [ crowd getting louder ] [ crowd jeering ] It's him again... He's in his underwear! Are you kidding me? ♪[ band plays loud ] [ crowd
gets louder ] [ crowd erupts ] [ PA: We need the sheriff ] WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?? Now will you do something? Mrs. Jenkins? I'm Roy Roper. Is Brody here? Here's some coffee. Thank you. You didn't have to get up. You have a nice home. Thanks. I wish we could keep it. Uh, so... Brody isn't here then? No, sorry. Is he in jail? No. No... He oughta be. He's out. Out of jail. I never thought I'd say those
words about my own kid. I was working last night when
they called, so... I left my shift, went to get
him woke up this morning... he's
gone. It's not unusual these days. I'm so sorry, Mr. Roper. What can I do to make it up
to your sweet girl? It's uh... it's Roy. And it's not up to you to
make anything up to her. I'm losing him, Roy. We came here because this is
such a family neighborhood, but now, working doubles,
weekends... I got his brother and sister
both in daycare, we're still not making it. It's like there's not enough
me to go around. I'm sorry about your husband. Two years... Five months... Three days... I'm sure I could give you the
hours if you want... I'm sorry, Karen... I really
am. I'm all alone. I don't know how much longer
I can hang on. I got a pretty good idea how
this story's gonna turn out. I'm sorry. [ deep breath ] Buck up! Stan never let me feel sorry
for myself. Why start now? It's uh... It's ok... Well, it's not ok. But I will make it up to
Ashley. Hey um... Why don't I start with a gift card what's
her favorite store? Karen, no. She doesn't need any more
gift cards. Uh, you can give me one if
you want... Sorry... it's a joke... umm I didn't know any of this. And I never met your
husband... sorry about that. You would have liked Stan...
everybody did. He would have dealt with this. Actually.... no. No... it never would have
happened. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not weak... I can work. We'll make it. But... What do I know about being a
man? How could I know? How can anybody expect me to
teach him? [ sigh ] Is it too late? Whoa! Streak the game? Snatched your daughter's
flag... right there in front
of the homecoming crowd? on my old football field? I hope you kicked the living
brown out of him! No, no... not exactly. No?? What's the matter with you,
Roy? I mean that little punk needs
an attitude adjustment, like
right now! It's not quite that simple... Not that simple? Look, some little twit messes
with my daughter? and BAMO! It's GO TIME! I'm talking a double dose of
Rocky and Balboa! Jerry, shut up! He's still
telling a story You mean there's more? Yes, so I go to his house
this morning... Oh good! Now we're talk'n. Turns out that the kid's dad
died a couple years back. You talk'n about Stan Jenkins
kid? Stan Jenkins died? Yep. Two years ago... He just dropped dead right
there in his front yard... You know I coached that
little worm in Little Guy
football Hey... look... We're all men here, right? I mean, I give a pass on the
TP-- but, running around in his
tighty-whities? grabbing your daughters flag in front of God and everybody? And even Stanley would agree
that deserves a kick IN THE [interrupts] AS I was saying! His mom asked for my help. With what? To teach him to, you know...
how to become a man... [chuckles] Is that funny to you? I mean... you know? No! I don't know. Bro! Roy Ropers house is a house
full of women. I mean... You are drowning in a sea of
estrogen! He's got a male dog? Fixed. Fine! Then Capt. Macho, you
do it! No! No! No! Look, don't start
putting this off on me! I didn't have kids by choice. It's not my problem.... the
question is, what are you
gonna do about it? That's why I called this
meeting! Don't look at me! My kids
don't even live with me
anymore! They barely talk to me when
they come home for a visit on
the weekend... Use me as an example of what
NOT to be! Roy... You're over-thinking
this thing. It's really simple... You
know what I'd do? I'd take the kid down there
to the sandpit. It's really simple... You
know what I'd do? and if he tried to get out! [
ZZZAP! ] I'd hit with a tazer gun!
That's what I'd do! You know it's amazing people
don't want you to coach
anymore? Jerry, you can't reach a kid
like that! Spare me that Inner-Child
garbage All a kid needs is to
be told the rules. And when he steps outside the
rules? Dirty! and Harry! I missed the School of
HardKnocks lecture? Ok guys... you're right...
HELP! All I have is girls, so what
do I do? Well, how did your dad teach
you? He didn't... He died too. ...about the same age as Stan. I didn't know that... Wow! Roy, I'm sorry. It's not a big deal now-- It
was like thirty something
years ago. It is... a big deal, Roy! Roy, look... You're a stand
up guy, ok? Trying to do the right thing
but this isn't your problem. You gotta daughter to protect. You need to go over there and
tell that kids mother Suck it up! Tell her to send
the kid to military school. --like my dad did me... ...and I think the results
speak for themselves. [ sigh ] I don't know, Roy. How do you teach a boy to
become a man? It turns out there's plenty
of stuff on "becoming a man"
out there, but I'm not so sure it
matches up to our present
reality here in Oak Pointe. For instance, here's a ritual
in Ethiopia where the boy has to run across the
backs of a dozen angry and
hungry bulls as his
initiation... Can't really see the
Homeowners Association
getting behind that. Then there's a tribe in South
America where the boy crosses over by
sticking his hands in gloves
filled with hundreds of
bullet ants, whose sting is twenty times
more painful than a red
wasp... or, of course, the one in
Brazil who gives the Initiate a choice with frog poison--
drink it, or inject into the
eyes. Hmm...that sounds like jail
time for sure. Oh, here's one. The Pentecost Island Bungee
Jumpers. Of course, they use vines,
measured to the precise
length so the Initiates nose
touches the ground... unless, of course, the vine
breaks... then I'll say his
nose touches the ground... My best one yet. Its got
spinach and kale in it, but
you can't taste'em. What do we got? I'm leaning towards the
Aboriginal Circumcision rite, which includes the
introduction of a removable
splinter. Like it. There needs to be
pain. There's about a thousand
books on 'recovering'
manhood. We published a dozen
ourselves. I edited two of 'em. What'd they say? Nothing memorable obviously. Giving him a book isn't gonna
change anything, honey. Maybe Jerry's right. Is this
really my problem? Really? The cops arrested him. He'll
get some sort of counseling. This whole thing's gonna blow
over. Why don't you go upstairs and
tell Ashley that, Super Dad? Am I a disappointment to you? I'm disappointed... that
you're disappointed. Makes me think it's me. Well, I always swore I
wouldn't become one of those
mid-life crisis guys. Well, that's a good thing. We
can't afford a Porsche. Yeah, but I wanted to. I thought I'd be able to by
now. I think... there's how we think life is
gonna be... and there's how it really is. Does it feel like you missed
something? And you settled? Do you? No... not with you. No. But... the rest of me... maybe. There's just something
missing, Jolie. I've got everything I could
ask for, but inside, I'm that pathetic guy living
the life of quiet
desperation. I guess this is a separate
conversation from a punk kid
terrorizing my daughter. Is it? Jolie, will you clean my
paint brushes please? I got it. Got what? We're going camping... this
weekend. Oh, no, we're not! We're playing golf this
weekend... at The Pines. It took me three months to
get a weekend tee-time down
there, Roy! Look, we go golfing all the
time. I stink, Charlie stinks, and,
Jerry, you stink too! You just hit it farther. And, I'm so sick of playing
poker. Hey, look. I'll bike. I'll
hike. I'll ski. You know what? I'll paddle
down a river. I'll even do a zip-line. But I DO NOT camp! I do hotels. I do NICE hotels. ...with a bar. We're taking the kid. Yeah, Roy, I gotta a lot
going on this weekend. Yeah? Like what? I uh... Yeah that's what I thought,
so you're in. And just where is this
proposed back-to-nature
experience that I will NOT be
participating in? There are twenty parks in
this state. Yeah... I've just heard too
many stories as a kid. Of what? Deer, gophers? Try chainsaws and hockey
masks! Oh, come on. Ah no, no, no... he got out
the car and some psycho
killed him-- and hung him on top of the
roof like that. It was the Hook Man! Yeah the girl was in the car
and all night she kept
hearing the scratching on top
of the car She didn't even get out. She
just left the poor sap up
there to die. Come on there's ten different
versions of that story-- We are going camping this
weekend, in a state park with
bathrooms and park rangers and night lights
if you want. And do what? We're gonna do some male
bonding. Or, yeah... Because we're such positive
role models. Roy, you have a tent? [ ugh ] My wife uses it for
spray painting. It's
destroyed. Roy, I don't have a tent.
Couldn't we at least get a
cabin? No! We are going outside! Oh this is great! We don't a
tent. We don't have any gear! We don't have a clue what
we're doing! Ah, yeah. This is gonna be a
fine introduction to manhood. Why cant we just--- lift some
weights and grill a steak? Come on, guys! We've been friends for what?
Twenty years??? But I've never asked ANYTHING
from either of you. But I've helped move you both
three times at least, lent
you money-- --even mowed your yards when
you're out of town. Besides, what kind of men are
we if we can't go camping in
a state park??? Ok, Ok, fine. One night! But we're gonna need some
gear. Gear? Ha! Ha! I'll show you
gear, daddy! ♪ [ groovy music ] It's weird, really. But modern guys are the first
ones in history to mostly not
go through some sort of initiation
ritual into manhood. All cultures throughout
history, up to now, had something to
symbolize the transition. They usually involved some
kind of test, and wisdom coming from the
old guys in the village... and always some pain. We don't really do that
anymore. [ reading ] "...feeling the
hard ground under our bare
feet." You know it's gonna be like
thirty degrees, right? So? Bare feet? It's figurative. Maybe he's
right. Maybe this is what's missing
with the girls. We should
start camping! Get out under the stars, as a
family. And... you know...
look at... the stars and
stuff. No hair straighteners, or
outfits or iPods-- we just
need to get our hands dirty! ♪[ Pop music coming from
headphones ]♪ Might want to baby step this
one. Yeah... There's an access road back
here. It's like forty miles around. Uh oh. It's just a big
looping trail-- It's like seven miles as the
crow flies. And look, its got the best
camping sites cause it
follows the river! I don't think you wanna be
improvising Big Boy! Hey, I GOT THIS! Hey, how's my sweet pea? Fine, dad. How's the situation? Whatever. He's still suspended from
school. But how are you? Really? [ sigh ] Afraid to go out. I'm gonna deal with this.
okay? Whatever. Daddy's got this one. baby. [ knocking on door ] Go away. [ loud knocking ] LEAVE ME
ALONE!!! [ door opens ] Get up! Get dressed. Mom? Mom!!! I said. GET DRESSED! Mr. Roper? Mr. Harris? Coach Baird? Oh yeah. Brody Boy. Bring your boots. We're going
on a little hike. Mom!!! ♪ [ road jam music ] Okay. I got the message. Ha!
Ha! Jokes over. I learned my lesson. I won't
do it again. Stop talking. This is illegal dude. This is
kidnapping! Well. not when your mom is in
on it. And she is. DUDE! Oh. by the way, she made us
cookies. Cookies? Where are you taking me?? We're just going on a little
camping trip Brody Boy! Just us DUDES! Just sit back and relax. Wanna cookie? ♪ [ road jam music ] Twelve more miles. I thought you said we were
just going to the park? I found a better place. It
backs right up to it. It's less than a mile from
the parking lot. Besides. I wanna scare this
little snot some more. [ car sputtering ] It's starting to work on me.
Bucko. [ hearing wife's voice in his
head ] "The mini-van's making
that noise again..." Roy. what's going on? [ car
is sputtering to a stop ] [ engine stops ] How do you like your camping
trip so far? Might be your carb. Course that knocking could be
your differential... or maybe a battery hose. or
muffler bolt or muffler
bearing... You have NO IDEA what your
talking about. do you? No. I really don't. This is just great! It's after nine o'clock and we're here in Psycho
Killer country! Why didn't we just stay in
your neighborhood? We could have pitched a tent
in your common ground! Give it up. Charlie! You're rear main seal is out. It's gushing oil. What does that mean? It means your minivan's toast. What do you know about it.
kid? My dad taught me about cars. No chance we can fix it. huh? No. Ok. it looks like we're
calling Triple A. Uh. I don't have a cell. Oh. I got like less than zero
bars on this. I've got nothing too... Hey... That might be a house
up there. You guys stay with Brody. and
I'll go check it out. Oh. I don't think so. That is
EXACTLY how the Hook Man
started! Jerry. did you bring a gun? No. I didn't bring a gun! Mr.
"We live in the suburbs" --wouldn't let me buy one. We're so gonna die. Let's go! I mean. what else
are we gonna do? ♪ [ mysterious music ] Roy. I don't have a great
feeling about this. Well. I don't have a great
feeling about walking forty
miles to get back home, Jerry. So. come on. Let's go. No. this is YOUR trip,
Kemosabe. I ain't going up there and
knocking on that door. Thanks a lot. guys. [ whispers ] He's gonna die... [ screen door screeches open ] [ knock knock ] [ vicious
dogs growling ] Great! We got the Hook Man
AND the Hounds from Hell! [ dogs barking ] Get DOWN!
Who's out there??? Hi. I'm sorry to bother you,
sir-- but our car broke down... [
dogs barking viciously ] Hold on! Let me put the dogs
up! [ I said get down! ] Anyone else think we should
run? Now? Where's your car at? It's uh.. It's down on the
road-- and see we can't get any cell
out here. Me neither. Uh. well is there any chance
we can use your phone here? Don't got one. Don't need it. Ah... Y'all ain't from around here
are ya? No. we just came up to do
some camping. State parks down the road you
missed it by a pretty fair
piece. Yeah. we've kinda already
been over that. We were looking for something
a little more remote. What kinda camping y'all
doing? [ Roy whispers ] You see the
kid. we're here to show him
how to grow up a little bit. Ohhhhhhhh!!!! You mean like
an initiation? Little uh... Boys-to-Men
action? Yeah. something like that. Why didn't you say so in the
first place? I got just the spot for ya.
It's right up the holler
there. Yeah. but you see our car is
broke... so... My brother has a wrecker
service. I'll get him over
here tomorrow-- once he sobers up. He'll tow
you anywhere you wanna go. But I'll take you up there in
uh... Shorty. Shorty? It's my party wagon! I rent it out ALL THE TIME!! Ok. well it looks like its...
Shorty. You know. many would have
questioned this decision. I know that. But our van
broke down in the middle of
nowhere. OOOOO-RAWWWWW! ♪ [ loud rock
music ] ♪ What else were we gonna do? Thank you. Lord, for making
me a man in these Tennessee
woods! [ ha! ha! ha! ] If we live through this. I'm
gonna let Jerry shoot you. In the face! We can't shoot him! He
wouldn't let me buy the gun! IN - THE - FACE!!! Hey! Darren! Darren!!! It's Darrell! Can you tell us exactly where
we're going again? Yeah. you're gonna love it! They got cabins up there--
you got running water. cable tv... plenty of room! That sounds like my kinda
camping. Oh. thank God, a bed. You brought them up there in
this?? Hey! Everybody loves Shorty.
boys!! Let's crank it up!!! ♪ [ rock music blares loud ] Ok. so now what? Go down this road here 'bout
a mile-- look for the tiki torches. Follow them. It'll take you
right in. So you call that a road? Whatever. It'll get you there. How come there's not a sign? It's private. They don't want
to advertise either. Only those who know. know... [ loudly clears throat ] There ya go. Thank you. Here. take that. Business card... Darrell's
Party Planning... Really? You got six extensions. That I do. It don't mean
nothing though. They all six go to my cell.
When I can get one. Ha! Ha! Just the give the guard that
card. and you'll be all good. There's a guard? Oh. it's first class. Ok. Thank you. You're welcome. ...ok. Let's go! Okay. I admit it. This isn't
exactly how I envisioned
hitting the trail. Well. there's a paradigm
shifter. Can't believe nobody
brought a gun. Yeah. like any of us really
know how to use one. The Hook Man knows. The Hook Man don't need a gun. I know how. You didn't bring a gun? Not unless you put one in my
backpack. Are you saying you own one? No. But I've shot'em. Have you? How long are we gonna be out
here? As long as it takes. Takes to
do what? Cross you over. You know. a
little Boys-to-Man action,
Brody. Oh no... Really? There's a few things we need
to talk over. Brody. It wasn't my idea. alright?
Any of it! They made me do it! And look what you get--
having others do your
thinking for you. You should thank those two
losers. You got a free
camping trip out of this. Hey. y'all want some good
news? Roy, I think I see a
tiki torch up here. Yes! I think they got a bar
too. --and a hot tub! I would kill for a hot tub! And how do you know Darrell? Ah. we just met'em. He sent
us here. Cell phones and keys in the
basket. Uh. Why? There's no cell up here
anyway. Yeah. we know that,
but why? Standard Operational
Procedure. No photo. video, or
communication devices allowed
on a Man-Up Weekend. Do I smell steak? Ribeye. 200
lbs. flown in from Omaha. We're just about to eat. Roy. I say let's do this.
Leave your backpacks too. Backpacks?? Hey. wait a minute there,
Pard. You're unannounced
quests here, Pard. Now. there's food, shelter,
and good fellowship ahead, Or you can turn around and
walk your rear end back inthe
way you came. Ha... Ribeye... Yeah... [ tribal chanting ] [ chanting to a drum beat ] Okay. Roy. This is officially
weird. You guys do this every
weekend. Mr. Roper? [ primal scream ] [ new tribal chant ] Can you hear this? [
hollering ] Let me turn it up for ya! [
more hollering ] We reclaim the sacred
Masculine for our divine
mission! We summon the strength... of
Mother Sky and Father Rock! Bring out your chickens! Chickens? You want me to cover the kids
eyes. so he won't see those
men's chickens? I think he's talking about
REAL chickens. Hey. I gotta crazy idea. Let's bail! Like NOW! ...yeah. Hey. Pard. We're gonna stay at a Holiday
Inn. Turn around. Join the circle. We really don't want to join
the circle. [ chanting Man Up! ] [ loud whistle blows ] Interlopers. Brothers. Join us. Mr. Roper... yeah... RUN GUYS!!! Seize them! [ yelling ] [ gasping for breath ] I think we lost them. We're lost too! Where's Jerry? [ surprised scream ] Where's the kid? He's not
with you?? No! He's not with me! Are you
kidding me? They got Brody??? Ok! Stay here! Brody? Please don't tell me they
caught him. Charlie. STOP IT! You want me
to slap you??? Calm down... Calm down? We're
gonna die!!! Look. Roy's gonna find the
kid. He's gonna bring'em back. We're gonna get out of this... Roy doesn't know what he's
doing anymore than you or I! He just talks a good game. [ muffled scream ] No. no,
shhh.. shhh.. It's me! Brody! It's me. It's Mr.
Roper! You hurt? ...no. What happened? You're faster
than us old weezers. ...I fell. Where are the others? They're back this way... Come
on we got to go! I'm not going anywhere with
you! Brody. we can't stay here.
I'm scared! Why did you bring me here? We're both scared. I wanna go
home. We have to stay together.
It's are ONLY hope! Alright. come on. Come on,
let's move! I hear'em Jerry. Guys! Guys! I thought you guys were lost
for sure. I still got a boy scout trick
or two left in me. You were a
boy scout? Don't get too excited. My
merit badge was in public
speaking. Public speaking? Oh. that's
just great. Yeah. when the Hook Man comes
you can give'em a SPEECH! Oh. come on. Before he
slaughters all of us! What??? I'm just kidding
Brody. What are we gonna do now? I'm
working on it. ok? We got to the road... I think
we came in over there. but... I'm all turned around. What
if they come for us? No. they won't come for us
tonight. They'll wait until
the morning. Who are those guys? I dunno. Man Up... It's a big male
bonding thing. They get
together five times a year. What??? You know these guys??? No!!! They tried to recruit me
after my divorce. ...my first divorce. you never told us that. YOU
NEVER ASKED! Alright. Tell you one thing.
We're not going back that
way. NO WAY! Ugh. Excuse me if I freak out
a little bit! We have no sleeping bags. We
have no food. We have no
backpacks! We're either gonna freeze to
death. starve to death, or
pick up chickens SHHHHH! Be quiet! I DON'T CARE IF
THEY HEAR ME! At least they got FIRE! Yeah.
and they'll throw us on it
after they tenderize us. So we'll die warm! ...I can
make a fire. WITH WHAT??? They've got our
backpacks. Roy!!! So we'll die warm! ...I can
make a fire. CHARLIE. WILL YOU STOP
SCREAMING!!! Make a choice! Go back to those guys and
freeze to death! Or you can
listen to me and we can make
a go of it! OK??? Now you got me screaming! Alright. I need leaves and
small twigs-- dry ones. You. Brody! You find me a
rock with a little gray
showing. Now! Go! Go get'em! You found it? Great! Hold on to that. Look. we're
fine here. We're gonna be
safe. You're gonna start a fire
without a lighter? Yup. I'm gonna try. I haven't done
this... since I was your age. And you know what? I think I
actually pulled it off
before. so... That's gonna start a fire?
Patience. Patience. There we go! Whoa! Yeah... You the man. Roy
Roper. You the man. Anybody wear a watch? No. It's about midnight maybe? Feels like we've been out
here like a week already. [ animal growls in distance ]
What was that??? I heard something... It's the
woods. Charlie-- There's animals out here. Animals? Don't they hibernate or go
south for the winter or
something? ...NOT THE ZOMBIES!!! [ chuckles ] All right. guys. It's time to take inventory.
What do we have in our
pockets? Trail mix. Hand
moisturizer... Moisturizer? Oh. and Halls Mentholyptus. Well. that's great. At least
we won't starve to death. Jerry. what do ya got? I have a flashlight. and
uh... my fantasy football
roster... ...and got my Altoids. Sure! You might meet some
chicks! Did you remember to bring
your BRUT cologne? [ chuckles
] What about you? What do you
got over there. Mr. Boy Scout? I coulda built us a house
with what I've got in my
backpack. but... flashlight... and uh. flint... ...swiss army. and oh,
waterproof matches. What??? Wanted to see if I could
really do it. Oh. that's just great! We're up a flip'n creek with
a bunch of whack-jobs probably out looking for us
now with their night vision
goggles... and AK's. and you're playing
Jr. Forest Ranger games! I don't know what you're
trying to prove with [
rustling in the woods
interrupts them ] [ in a whisper voice ] Roy! What does that mean? Somebody's out there... Well.
why don't you just say that? You looking for me? [
frightened scream ] Ok. I left one small detail
out. Since I was a kid growing up
around here when all the
developments and suburbs were
being built. there were always stories
about some psycho killer on
the run from the law. living up in our woods. IT'S THE HOOK MAN!!!! WE'RE
ALL GONNA DIE! What are you doing out here? We're... lost. Really. We came camping for the
weekend. We ran into some... trouble.
Can we help you with
something? Doubting that. Where are we? The woods. Hey. look pal, we're not
trying to cause anybody any
trouble out here. Don't move. You with those drumming boys?
No! No! No! Sir. We really ARE lost. They
took our backpacks. our
phones... everything. So. do you live here? You might say that. Well then. I'm sorry. We'll
just be moving on. In the dark? Lost? With
nothing? There's a front coming in.
You better build up your fire. Don't try to follow me. You do understand? Well. wasn't that nice of him
to drop by and say hello? He's right. Let's gather some
more firewood and build this
up. Yeah. we'll cook faster. When
he comes back to gut and
fillet us! Charlie. can it. He's gone. There's four of us out here!
Well three and half of us out
here. He's gone. Oh. that's a
comfort. [ fire crackles loud ] Mr. Roper. was there really a
point to all this? Or was this one of those
"scare the teen straight"
kinda things? Let me ask you a question... Was there a point to
embarrassing my daughter? I didn't mean to. Well. what did you mean to do? Get her attention? Because
you got it. I'm sorry. ok? Well... I'm not the one who
needs to hear that son. Did she do something to you
to make you angry at her? No! No... It wasn't my idea.
It was my friends. Friends? You mean the ones
that are home all snugly in
their bed and tummies full? Those friends you talk'n
about? How you think they'd be doing
out here with us tonight? They'd probably be freaking
out. Like me. you mean. Yes sir. A lot like you. Hey... our work here is done. Let's go home now. Is there a
Plan B? Yeah... Survive the night. Best as I can tell. we've got
about a six or seven mile
hike to get to the park. Try Twenty! [ Charlie yells ] No offense. pal. I don't believe you can make
twenty miles a day. Their ain't no trails up here. You greenhorns hungry? YES! Yeah. Jerky! Beef Jerky! This is... beef jerky? Squirrel. There's such thing as
squirrel jerky? Deer meats better. I killed
one this morning. but hadn't had time to butcher it
yet. Suit yourself. Here's some apples and
berries. So. uh... No chance you have a phone? Now who would I call? [ yeah ] Why wouldn't you go to the
State Park? We wanted to uh... find a
place less crowded. Well. you did that. [ yeah ] Well you know what? We're
gonna spend the night and in
the morning head back the way
we came in. I wouldn't recommend that. Seen some pretty strange
things from those guys... I think they're a little
upset with you. [ yeah ] You're a long way from the
law. If you haven't picked up
on that. You have any suggestions? [
yeah ] Get some rest. You gotta a couple pretty
tough days ahead of you. Are you the Hook Man? I killed the Hook Man. son. [ chuckles ] [ yeah right... ] [ voice mail greeting ] "This
is Roy Roper. Leave a message
and I'll call you back." [ sigh ] Ok. Trailblazer. Third
message. You were supposed to call me
from the road. or when you
got there. Check in. please, so I can
sleep. Love you. Hope you're doing
okay... Was that dad? Yeah. What did he say? It was his voicemail. Mommy? We can't sleep. Is dad ok? Of course he is. He's just
camping... And it's twenty six
degrees... and the wind has
kicked in... And he hasn't camped since
before we were married... And he hasn't called in
eleven hours... Can we sleep with you? I wish you would. Why is he doing this again? Cause he's a good man. Thinks with his heart instead of his head sometimes. But your daddy... is a good
man. So. let's all say a little
prayer for him ok? Will you stay 'til morning? Wasn't planning on it. Look. I don't know where we
are or how to get out of here. Thataway... 330 degrees... You do have a compass? Oh. sure. It's on my phone with... the
chicken dancers. Do you have a compass? Stars. Stars are pretty good. Sun goes east to west. How
hard is that? I always thought you were a
story somebody made up. You better get some sleep.
They're gonna need you
tomorrow. You're the leader
here of this outfit... I'm not so sure about that. I see a teenage boy. one guy so scared he's about
to wet his pants. another guy who's so macho... he don't know what he don't
know. My money's on you. I'm not sure I've got what it
takes to get us out of here. I didn't know we were this
far out. and without gear or
food... My dad was the Eagle Scout.
not me. I see... So you came to the
wilderness to go camping... What are you doing up here.
really? Teach that young one about
being a man. I see. We had this...no... I had
this big plan-- speeches. ceremony, I even
wrote a script but I left it
in the pack I mean. it was a good plan on
paper... like most everything else in
my life... You know what's funny? Not even sure how I know how
to be a man. The Eagle Scout didn't tell
you that? What did your dad tell you? Not much with words... At least that's what I
remember from down there. So you really are the guy in
the woods? You know. every boy, at some
point wants to grow up and be
you. You know that? How do you do this? Do what? Live HERE like this? How do you live like you live? You know you might say my
situation was forced on me. Were you in trouble? You tell me. You musta heard something? Ever since I was a kid. there
was always stories about some
guy in the woods. Well. let's see. Escaped
prisoner, escaped mental patient. wife
killer... alien from Area 51... right wing survivalist. left
wing Manson follower... Civil War ghost... what am I
leaving out? The Hook Man! [ chuckles ] The Hook Man... Always liked
the Hook Man. so... which one is it? [ sigh ] I was a soldier... in a BAD
war... I wouldn't lie to protect
some bad men who did some
bad. bad things. My mom and daddy passed
away... and I came home and had no
home to come to. Then the bad men were looking
for me. So I came to the only place
that I knew they wouldn't
follow. These woods... It's a lot like the jungle. I hated war. ...but I love the jungle. I can't tell you what to do
with that boy. I don't have any script or
ceremony... No kid in his right mind
would want to hear what I've
got to say. I'll move on in the spring. Why don't you just come back? To your world? A little too late for that. Tell that boy what you know. and watch his back. That's the only secret
handshake there is... [ birds chirping ] [ sound of
eggs frying n pan ] What the...? I smell bacon... Heaven smells like bacon. [ repeats ] There's no place
like home... [ sounds of
boots clicking together ] Dude! I am so hungry! Must not be that off the grid. Somebody's been to the market. I don't know if Kroger sells
quail eggs... wild hogs. rainbow trout...
but, More power to'em if they do. Cup of joe. son? Coffee? You have coffee??? [ yeah ] I've never had coffee before. It's an acquired taste. You might wanna try something
tamer than what I have... No. sir. Suit yourself. Ain't like that half-caff.
soy choy, pumpkin spice with
sprinkles on it, is it? [ chuckles ] You wouldn't
happen to have any light
almond milk would you? Black and chewy buddy! That's
all your Barista has for you
today. Ah... that's good! I like this fish. This
bacon's better than at least
one of my marriages. This squirrel tastes like
chicken. I wouldn't get too comfy...
Gotta lot of miles ahead of
you today. River's bout a half mile in
that direction. Follow it upstream... till
you come to the fork. Stay to the right. and when
it splits, it'll take you up
the ridge. There's a ranger station over
that hill. You're not coming with us?
We'll pay you! Anything you ask... I'm
sorry... You have to help us. What do ya think I just did? Follow your leader here. Y'all stay together... You'll
be fine. Here's some fresh water.
Lemme help with that... If you run out... river's
pretty clean. ...and some squirrel jerky. since you're so fond of that. Here's something for ya. Take
this. I'll make another one. Please come with us. You can do this. You have to. Good luck. Alright men... Let's break
camp and get going. I can edit and grammar- check
manuscripts. mow my front
yard, run without using the
handrails on an elliptical
trainer and drive a minivan. The list of what I can't do
is sadly a lot longer. I can't dunk a basketball.
saddle a horse without him
biting me, or run a power tool any
stronger than a cordless
drill... But something inside really
does stir the soul when your boots on the ground
stomping through the woods.
breathing air and hearing raw unprocessed
sounds like you're the first
guy ever to walk there. You have to wonder if this
isn't what a man is designed
to do. and at least part of what
he's supposed to be. [ sound of gurgling water ] YES! YES! Fork in the River!!! Means we're getting close!
Sweet! [ panting ] You know. that's not what he
said. How far have we gone? Nowhere near twenty miles. I
can tell you that. We've been walking all day.
Roy! Wait! Wait! What are you
saying? I don't know how far we've
gone. It could be nineteen and a
half miles. could be a lot
less... Hey. how much daylight you
think we got? Sun's below the mountains.
so... an hour? maybe two... Why? Nooo! He can't help when it gets
dark. Not his fault. I can't do another night out
here. We might not have a choice.
We're on our own now. We're gonna have to do...
what we have to do. Charlie,
right? Let's go! We gotta try! Let's
move. Let's go. Brody! Ugh... No we're not going to
make it. guys. ...yeah. I know. Need to build a shelter. See if I can uh... remember
how to do this... Need to build a shelter. --find every branch leaf you
can find so we can fill it in. and Brody and I will start a
fire. Alright? Ok... Brody. how you doing, bud? Good. Well. why don't we get that
thing going. Here ya go! Nah! I'm gonna need a flat
rock and your flint. I'll go find you that rock. Alright. here ya go! Closer. Closer. Again now. There ya go! ♪ [ music & lyrics ] In
your dreams you set sail. then you slide off the rail. You crash and you fall. tryin
to understand it all. You're so lost. you just want
off. Running from your truth. you
got a lot to prove. Fist in each hand. you fight
hard to be a man, You get knocked down. In
every round. Some hands go to work. some
just want to play... Some hands reach out and some
just want to take. Some hands clinched tight. a
fist is all they make. It's not something we can see. It's just between you and me. Whispered words won't help
you understand. Not every boy becomes a man. Make a deal with doing right.
don't bargain with mistakes. If you don't give up then
you've got what it takes. Have a hand... someone can
shake. There we go... GO! [ yells
and laughter ] Yes! Yes! Mmmm! Man! I don't EVER
remember fish tasting that
good! It'd be good to have some of
that chewable coffee for
dessert. Ha! Ha! You talked to that woods guy
for awhile. huh? Yeah. He's on the run. isn't he? Why do ya say that? I mean... He's gotta be on
the run-- He wouldn't let a bunch of
guys like us go off by
ourselves? ...but it didn't. You know? It's actually
pretty warm in there. I threw down some more pine
needles. leaves. It's like a
feather bed. I don't care if it's hard as
a rock! Boys. I'm tired. My eyes are
getting heavy. Well. there's space for each
of us... Sorry, Brody, can't do anything about
Jerry's snoring. At least my snoring don't
stink! Did y'all hear him last night? I mean. NOBODY light a match
inside there tonight-- cause we'll all go up like
the Hindenberg! It's like a bunch of monkeys
jumping up and down on a
whoopee cushion! [ chuckles ] Hey guys. ummm... I wanna say something... I'm sorry about... all this.
but... at least we'll have some
stories to tell. You think we're getting close? Yeah. One good climb
tomorrow... we'll be in the
park. Roy... I wanna apologize too. Sorry about... ...what I said about you. Thank you. Hey... You think we need
to...you know? --do something about your... manhood plan? No. I think we've done it. [ chuckles ] Well. I'm glad
to hear that! Cause I'm telling you. my
feet hurt! My ankles hurt! My knees
hurt! My back hurts! The back of my back hurts! [
laughter ] I tell ya what! Y'all better
stuff some cotton in your
ears... I'm going down! Hey. Brody, just remember
this... Make a LOT of money! Don't
hit girls. Say no to drugs. Later! Very deep isn't he? [
chuckles ] Say you're sorry to Mr.
Ropers daughter. Matter of fact... Say you're
sorry A LOT. This life thing will go
easier. [ sighs ] I am sorry. Mr. Roper. I know. [ sighs ] It's a different looking sky
out here. isn't it? There's Sirius. Orions over there... See his
belt? Capricorn... The Bear... The Little Dipper. You know your stars? My dad did. He taught me some. There's one named for me out
there... Somewhere... He bought it for me... when I
was born. Your own star Huh. how cool
is that? But sometimes I wonder... If he's up there... ... on my star. I wouldn't bet against it. Do you miss your dad. Mr.
Roper? ... every day. Even when I don't think about
him. I found him you know... ...in the yard. I finished mowing the back. then I came around to the
front where he was raking... ...and there he was. How old were you? I was your age. Did you cry? Not in front of anybody. I guess he wouldn't have
liked that? I uh... I used to think that. 'Til I became a dad... Now. I think he would be just
fine with it. [ sniffles ] ... I miss him. I didn't know your dad. Brody. But I think I know what he'd
tell you after all this... He'd say you passed. That you have what it takes
to be a man. Is that what your dad told
you? He didn't get the chance
either. So. I'm telling you for the
both of them. ♪ [ happy music begins ] Aggghhh! I done told you.... I'm here picking up CAMPERS!!! Shorty??? Shorty!!! It's Shorty!!! [ loud obnoxious laughter ] Yeeehaaaaww! Shorty!!! [ delirious laughter ] Food! Food! Darrell. how did you know to
come here? You called right? So... here
I am. [ clears throat ] So... this
is your gear? Yeah.. did you get those? No. No. No. These were here
when I opened up. Curious... How long you guys
up there? Good question... Two days. Oh... Two days? Yeah and two
nights. Hmmm... and no backpacks... No. Ummm... It's a funny story... [ yeah ] Ok... [ yeah ] Come on. guys. Of all the male initiation
rituals I came across. I think my favorite is the
one from one of the Native
American Tribes. The thirteen year old boy is
led away from his village. and left to spend one long
and difficult night in the
woods. All alone. If he makes it through. at the first light of day. the boy sees at the edge of
the forest. his warrior
father, standing guard... As he had been. Watching over
him. All through the night. I'm gonna go buy me a tent.
Then I'm gonna go buy me a
gun! Hey. Roper! [ loudly clears
throat ] Yeah... You're gonna break me.
Darrell. [ happy laughter ] Hey dad! Hello. princess! Can you take that? Thank you. Hello. girls! Wanna see
Shorty? Ahhh... I missed you! I missed you too! And how was our little
camping trip? I'll let you know in a second. I'm sorry. Is there any way. maybe... we
could start over? And be
friends? Sure. Have you seen Shorty?? How could I miss him? [
laughs ] I think it went pretty well. You... are kinda stinky! I'm kinda stinky! But you
like it! I love it. I can't wait to hear this
story. [ chuckles ] Thank you. Mr. Roper. Anytime. Really? Really. Now get outta here. I'm back. mom. No. mom, I'm back. It's been said. that in the
heart of every man, there is
anadventure to live, a battle to fight and a
beauty to rescue. I used to think a guy with a
minivan and a mortgage had to
go to the woods to find those
things. I go to the woods a lot now.
but I figured something out. [ drink your smoothie!! ]
Ewww. You put beets in it! There's an adventure. a
battle and a beauty to rescue
every single day in a man's
life, no matter where he is... [ she stole my skirt!! ] As long as he knows that and
does something about it. then he's got what it
takes... to be a man. And. oh yeah... It's amazing what finishing
something does for the soul. [ Bus is here. girls! Let's
go! ] Kisses for dad. please. Have a glorious day. Loves of
my life! ... to be continued. ♪ [ music ] ♪ [ music ]
