The Power of Forgiveness and Reconciliation

very good so now I can actually get comfortable and you know Barbuto - I'll start this evenings talk but as well people are coming in and going out it's one announcement I really forgot that now there is going to be a suitor class on Sunday afternoon between 3 & 4 15 and that suit will be the anapanasati suitor so I say that because it's not usually on the fifth weekend it's on the fourth weekend but being five Sundays in this month decide to hold up a suitor class on this Sunday coming the 30th ok so most people are in now and for the talk for this evening many of you don't realize this some of you didn't many of you don't know how much I do during the week so just last weekend after finishing off the Friday night or Saturday gala dinner Sunday stuff on Sunday afternoon I went to Brisbane to do some talks over in Brisbane came back on Wednesday afternoon so I look after the whole of Australia but one of the things which happened over there one of the remarkable wonderful events was on a when's it was on Wednesday morning so no on Tuesday Tuesday lunch one of the people serving me lunch the Sun came out to me and told me can I please help his father because this young man's elder brother had fallen out with his father and the father had taught his older brother for three years and the elder brother had taught his father fits years later twenties quite young something had happened and because they the whole family respected me ina used my influence to get everybody to come to my talk that evening last Tuesday evening in Brisbane in Griffith University at the end of the talk I ordered the father and the estranged son to come up and look at each other and forgive one another and start talking again and give each other a hug and it is a very wonderful thing which I was very proud of all the achievements last week that was one of the best the father and son who had taught together for three years because something I don't know who did one basically I don't care who did what you know that's in the past and so that was very reminded me of the power of forgiveness and reconciliation which is the subject of this talk this evening now first of all to have their forgiveness and reconciliation there's no way that you can find that if you keep digging over the stuff of the past and try and find out who was at fault and who did what because you can never have reconciliation that way we all have different ideas of who was at fault and who was right who was hurt and who was not her but everybody gets hurt know when there is no father and son or two lovers or two friends yes split apart and so I told him that there is something which we have in the Buddhist monastic code called bit recovering over with grass they said something has happened in the past between two people and then don't try and dig it up again don't try and just have a trial once again the decide who was right and who was wrong because it's quite clear I am right and you are wrong and there's no end there there can never be any reconciliation any forgiveness eating letting any letting go of the past so it always has to have well you know I think you are wrong I think I was right and I know that's how you feel as well let's actually just totally let that go and bury it just like you know of the past you bury it underground and you cover it with earth and soon the grass grows and whatever was underneath there just melts into the soil it disappears you never know was ever there it's called covering over with grass and it's a wonderful way to let go of whatever happened in the past because otherwise without a reconciliation without people coming together there's always this terrible suffering of separation the suffering of apartness the suffering that there's some unfinished business which you really hope would one day be completed and that people who were friends can be friends again people who respected one another can respect one another again and know divided houses can actually come together again I remember looking at the mother and just seeing just her joy seeing two people she loved very much her husband and her son hug together and just the joy of her mother seeing that it was just worthwhile just all that trip no to the other side of Australia and reconciliation is beautiful it is something which is inspiring it gives us hope for our world and the only way it can be done is again by covering over with grass and it's because of that that very often we have forgiveness ceremonies in Buddhism and we do this so often if ever you come to any of our ceremonies we're always asking forgiveness of each other it's not that we always do bad things to each other it's just a beautiful ceremony which basically we overdo I must admit but nevertheless is not you can't really overdo a good thing and so because of that I've mentioned a few weeks ago all of you who have a relationship especially those of you who are married on the anniversary of your marriage or if you just not married at the anniversary when you met any special day of the year please do a forgiveness ceremony together and this is so important that very often when I do marriage ceremonies this is actually one of the things I impress upon that couple the day of your marriage remember this anniversary and every year of that marriage you offered gift to each other a token it does not matter what it is and doesn't matter who starts one of you say to your partner darling it is anything I have done in the past 12 months by body by speech or by mind even thoughts intentional or unintentional because some many of the things which hurt us were not meant they weren't deliberate because human beings we say the wrong things we do the wrong things and most of the things which I have done which hurt other people I didn't mean to but it happens so intentional unintentional anything I've done wishes hurt you by body speech or mind or anything I didn't do or say which I should have done which hurt or irritated you I'm sorry I ask your forgiveness please forgive me and in I think you understand this because you're all looking at me intently in spirituality especially in Buddhism when anybody asks forgiveness is imperative you have to give that forgiveness even if you have to bite your teeth because it's such a beautiful right thing to do you have to sacrifice your ego sacrifice your thing of justice and who's one who's wrong and give that forgiveness so yes I forgive you and then it's your turn to do the same it has to go both ways if someone asks forgiveness it's about time I've been waiting for you for a long time to do this and that's really low and as awful that's pride and ego again no you also even if you haven't done anything wrong you don't know what you've done wrong that's part of life isn't it you know we've always done something wrong we haven't quite figured it out yet what we've done wrong because someone's upset at us what did i do I don't know but nevertheless the other person also does the same you've just given forgiveness to somebody and you ask it as well does anything I've done by body speech or mind intentional unintentional which has hurt your irritated here giving you a hard time or things I didn't do which I should have done I'm sorry please forgive me so you know you're my partner my friend my lover please forgive me and you do give that forgiveness not only is it a beautiful act of spirituality because now sometimes people think that being a Buddhist being a spiritual person is all about coming to listen to a talk it's nothing to do with listening to a talk it's what you do how you behave in your life and it's beautiful high acts of forgiveness letting go which really make you a sort of a beautiful happy person who loves conciliation who loves harmony and always understands that this harmony is sister is a cancer which grows inside of us and stops us no knowing what we all love and conciliation truly is and so we forgive each other so it is once a year if not more often you know you wipe the slate clean you don't keep carrying around with you all this pain of the past which is there and if you could do that not only will you have a happier family you'd also be able to teach your children and friends one of the great secrets of being able to live with another person forgiveness because reconciliation being able to live together is much more important now I have said that before and I remind you to keep practicing that but even more than that the most important person you ever live with of course is yourself and so do their forgiveness ceremony to yourself whatever I have done in the past by body speech or mind intentional unintentional or things I didn't do which I should have done which I'm embarrassed about which I'm ashamed of which I really wish I hadn't have done all of that please I give myself forgiveness we can let it go so you can have reconciliation with yourself because when I saw that father and son reconciled after three years I have not even speaking to each other I realize that's just like every human being sometimes is part of ourselves which we don't speak to parts of ourselves which have been separated the dark side the shadow side of ourselves but we really need to forgive so we can reconcile with ourselves reconcile with our past be a peace with everything we've done and of course you notice how wonderful that can be a sense of that lasts I can be at ease with my history I can be feel this great sense of freedom when there's no reconciliation this business to be done when there is that reconciliation the business is finished and now we can go on to have a happy joyful loving life but any of you who have actually asked forgiveness of me just as a ceremony you may know because I'm a cheeky monk and because I always like to innovate and do things which no one else does you know just for fun because it can be very boring being a monk so I innovate and do weird stuff so one of the things I did to innovate when somebody asks for forgiveness I always tell them I give you forgiveness in the three start time zones I give you forgiveness to everything you've ever done in the past by body speech or mind intentional unintentional things you didn't do which you should have done I forgive you for that but I also forgive you for what you're doing right now and I also forgive you for what you'll ever do in the future you've got a blank check you're already pre forgiven so do whatever you like now that sounds funny but it actually is incredibly profound to be able to forgive the future is a great sense of letting go of anxiety and fear and negativity to whatever is going to happen to you I call that forgiving the future so you actually say to the future your future whatever it turns out like no good bad sort of intentional unintentional it all goes well I forgive you which means that you reconcile with your future instead of being in conflict with the future which is what anxiety and fear truly are and once you're anxious and fearful of the future you can relax and enjoy the future how many times that if you're afraid and makes you tense it makes you worried so you can't enjoy yourself and a lot of times because of fear and anxiety now that's often said this is a cause of controlling and being this control freak getting stressed out I'm just letting things involve you'll find that you'll get tense you'll get sick you won't be able to live with other people you won't even be able to live with yourself you become the control freak too so tense so afraid the opposite of that is this forgiving the future just letting the future be so you can tell your future future whatever you turn out like I already already forgive you I can reconcile with you I can be at peace with you just like the father and the son could hug you and your future can embrace and be at peace with one another no matter what your future turns out to be remember is covering over with grass it's like you cover the future over with grass whatever it is it all works out in the end some way I rather you always find out whatever happens to you in life at the time it may seem now uncomfortable painful disturbing the destructive some of the stuff we go through at the time it does really feel that this is so bad how can you accept or forgive this we've all had those experience which have been devastating for you but you know you go past that six months a year two years ten years later on it's all gone and you look back and so many people look back upon the disasters of their past and they look back and so if that never happened I wouldn't be who I was they even have gratitude towards the painful disastrous experiences we all have to go through through life at the time you can't see that but when you look in your past and all the difficult times you've had how much have you learned from that how much have you grown how much have you developed when I see those terrible experience I've been through in the past no I couldn't say thank you at the time but now I can say thank you that had a meaning I wouldn't be who I was if that hadn't have happened so this is actually how we can reconcile with the difficulties and with the fear of the future and also we have forgiveness to the present moment which is I think most important of all the three forgiveness in his present moment now are you forgiving this moment and allowing it to be and say this moment no matter what you are so if I'm a piece with you you can reconcile with this moment which is where your life actually exists when we don't reconcile with this person when we don't forgive it we have a problem with it no you're too tired you're too energetic you know you're too sick you know you to listen to that that's actually trying to be angry at yourself or angry at this moment angry at life can you forgive this life for what it is and reconcile with this moment you can reconcile with this moment it is very much like you're hugging this moment this moment and you become the best friends ever notice that people think they are no the control freaks their masters and mistresses and your body and mind is like a slave like a servant to be ordered around and you know what it's like in work in your office in your workplace when you meet things like that in me this boss is always telling you what to do always ordering you around is that a very beautiful place to live is that a happy office and is that a very productive environment when you're always being forced to do things I always know in every one force I can never compete or never can produce to the mock my best of ability when it's forced when it's relaxed then I can actually produce even whenever I do any writing if it's forced if I push it his terrible stuff if I relax and start to enjoy myself then you always have very very good results even giving a talk I never push myself to give a talk never even try and control it I never have notes I never have powerpoints because I just want these toasters to flow to go naturally so I can enjoy it and you can enjoy nice when it gets to a very very high quality so I don't force the present moment I forgive it whatever this moment is the door of my house open to it and because of that it's a sense of reconciliation and when you can do that you find not only are you not fighting yourself we are also becoming at peace with yourself and your understanding an important part of Buddhism a saying which I always describe is the essence of Buddhism in one sentence and that is suffering is asking from the world what it can never give you and so instead of asking from this moment what it can never give you instead of asking from the future what it can never give you instead of asking from the past will don't know what it can't give you you understand what the past is and how much it can give what the present is what the future is well your partner what your boss what life can give you you don't ask more than that I call that because this goes against what most people teach you I call that and lowering your expectations because we have so much high expectations of one another we have a lot of high expectations of the past the future and the present too but let's start high expectations of the people you live with now come on the person you live with is just like you they're 40 there's something wrong with them there's an old story and this is an old story I'm gonna say and I would add into it there was once a very wealthy person who lived in Sydney not only were they very wealthy they got a double degree one from Cambridge and one from Harvard they were wealthy and they also played you know in the AFL they were really tall good-looking strong he was such a perfect man so he thought that he wanted to marry the perfect one so he looked all around Sydney and he found this drop-dead gorgeous girl he went out with her for a few times but he decided no he couldn't marry her because she couldn't cook so then she went to Bruges he went to Brisbane and there he saw an even more beautiful girl and she owned her own restaurant he went out with her looking for the perfect woman he went out with her for two or three weeks and then he dumped her too because yes she was beautiful yes she could cope but she was stupid now had hardly any education so they couldn't have a good conversation with her so at last he came to the place he should have started Perth when he found the most beautiful women in the whole world and he went out with one of them and she owned 3 restaurants not only that she also had degrees from Oxford and firm firm Princeton but he couldn't marry her either even though she was perfect in every respect he couldn't marry her because she was looking for the perfect man this is a true this is the trouble with we always want other people you know to be perfect but are we perfect ourselves the other story which is funny which is the truth lies was told me by a lady over in Singapore and I wrote this in open the door of your heart number one she had just got married and her husband told her this father took his new son-in-law aside to give him some advice see you are my new son-in-law you just married my daughter and I'm sure you love her very much and he went on just to say how much he loved her how charming she was everything she did was just so lovable even the way she picked her nose was so charming and the father said that's what it's like when you're in love everything about the person you love is beautiful wonderful but said the father-in-law in two or three years you'll begin to see the false and defects in my daughter that's what happens after two or three years married you start to see the defects in your partner but the father-in-law said son-in-law please remember this when you start to see my daughter's defects please remember if she never had those force and defects to begin with she'd have married someone much better than you we actually said that well there's so much truth in that because we all do have our faults and defects every one of us and so that when we lower our expectations we don't expect our partners to be perfect we don't expect our boyfriends our girlfriends our husbands our wives we don't expect our kids to be perfect now half of all children are below average intelligence come on it's obvious I keep saying that but you think no not my children my children were above average intentions so lower your expectations to what life can give and then you find you're at peace you're reconciling with life now so much suffering whether it's in a marriage whether it's in work so much expectations are what a boss should be what a worker should be have so much expectations and what a Buddhist monk should be or what the Buddhist society should be so much expectations were totally unrealistic life cannot give you that and so we forgive life for not being perfect we forgive our partner you know for not being the most beautiful woman in the whole world who's a perfect talking intelligent and always willing to do every command you can't find a person like that because of that you lower your expectations and then you'll find you can be at peace with life you can reconcile with life as I told our father and son please son lower your expectations of what you what you think a father should be now when you're a child your mother and father are like gods you think they know everything and can protect everything you think they're such good such more Paragons of virtue but they're not the human beings and sometimes they make mistakes it's like I make mistakes just like you make mistakes so if you want to reconcile with a parent allow your expectations first of all and then you can love them and if you want to reconcile with your child who's disappointed you please lower your expectations they're a child they're doing their best they're not perfect there's no one is less you're not perfect if after a few years you see the faults and defects in your children remember if they didn't have those force and defects to begin with they wouldn't have been born with a parent like you is exactly the same so when we lower our expectations then forgiveness because possible we're never given this becomes possible all we really doing we're having the wisdom to know welcome to life people aren't perfect they do silly things they make mistakes so let's this adjust our wants and desires to fit the way the world is we're on trying to force this world to fit the way we think it should be I always called out the essence of war war is this is an essence is a war which tries to make the world fit into the way we want it to be and the way of peace is changed in a way we want things to be to fit into the way the world is that's peace so lowering our expectations is changing our wants to fit into reality of life it is forgiveness it is reconciliation it is a path of peace so we take away our expectations of the past know of them and then we can actually forgive and we can reconcile which means pass whatever you've done body speech or mind give you I don't try and change you I don't try and find what was right what was wrong I'm gonna cover the whole thing with grass so can disappear and again covering with grass has this other wonderful attribute something beautiful comes out of it even though it was really rotten stuff no the danglers beautiful grass comes afterwards and that's the same with the future I'm not going to ask from the future what it can never give me a lot of times we hope for the impossible sometimes it's nice to dream sometimes it's nice to to work hard but please lower your expectations cause too many people they do fail in life and they get depressed they get angry because they asked from the future what it can never ever give you so lower your expectations of the future and then you'll find you can actually be happy and peaceful you don't expect so much and if you're wrong you've loads of expectations too far the future is surprisingly better than you ever expected what a wonderful thing to do how'd you know that that's our saying of lowering your expectations the few people they go on the internet and they found out that that is also on half a business school block advice for companies in our modern world and they did notice the many big businesses people like Lehman Brothers they went bankrupt because their expectations were far too big far too greater than the economy could actually give them please lower your expectations also of the politicians who run this country I know that's a hard thing to do because your expectations are already pretty low and if you love them a bit further maybe you may be pleasantly surprised good that's the way the politicians are that's the breed that's it job is just a difficult job to do and I don't know I don't know why anyone would want to be a politician but nevertheless we do need them so lower ones expectations is part of Harvard Business School blog for advice for companies to be successful so don't ask from the market what it can never give you that's why sometimes people they invest they investor invest and they're unrealistic there's no way that you know you think that you can beat the system that you're smart and everybody else that somehow rather that you can succeed when most people don't so mating the conceit of the human being who thinks are they're smarter than the rest as for me I'm just not smarter than the rest I'm not done with in the restaurant part of the rest and that way that you can reconcile though your expectations make peace forgive and have a much more happier life you're reconciling the whole idea of reconciling means being one with things and being a part is called suffering so that's why there was a wonderful symbol of a father and a son hadn't spoken to each other for three years that was suffering and coming together that was peace that was harmony that was happiness it was symbolic and I saw so tiss my method of meditation what makes me very peaceful whatever I'm experiencing right now I try and reconcile with that don't try and change it I never asked for my mind somebody can never give me I'm at peace with it there's a wonderful thing that idea forgiveness and reconciliation the oneness which happens in reconciliation it doesn't mean your son has to be perfect before you reconcile with them or your father has to be perfect you don't even have to find out who was wrong no don't go there reconcile cover-up with grass who was right who was wrong who cares reconciliation is more important so the past don't care if I was right I was wrong trying to figure out know who's to blame no put that aside there's far too much blaming in this world somebody offered me this book a few days ago over it in Brisbane I was that one by an Nita mukajee or something about her past life experience and they were reading it so I don't have time to read these things these days but anyway somewhere in there she said something she's been her whole life trying to try to apologize for things but she didn't quite understand what she had to apologize for but she apologized anyway a lot of tower life he's been saying sorry no quite sure what we've done you must have done something wrong because people are upset and angry house so we say sorry anyway and this is our life instead of always saying sorry and apologizing for things how about just covering over with grass and letting it go isn't it beautiful when we do that we're free isn't it instead of trying to say sorry for this moment I apologize like my mobile phone went off during the meditation it's a oak off every week you know I'm not angry I've lowered my expectations doesn't matter if I say turn em over no whatever there's only one person leaves alone I expect that now that's why you don't get angry he's a wonderful simile so when things go wrong expected lower expectations then no and we can have fun it doesn't spoil your day then how meet have you spoil your day something goes wrong you say that shouldn't have happened but it does you're not in tune you haven't reconciled with real life real life is your husband forgets you know is your anniversary today if they forget is your birthday forget to bring home the eggs who know from when they come home they figure that's the nature of men so please look here expectation it's the nature of women as well so then you can be at peace with life it is forgiveness it is a covering over the grass it is a secret for a peaceful happy life and especially it's a secret of a peaceful and happy meditation you reconcile with this memory I'm tired because I've been working hard yeah you're thinking a lot because that's what you've been doing all day what do you expect just to pick your fingers and then your mind will start thinking how about reconciling with your stupid mind and that isn't about time you realize you have got a stupid mind all these weeks you've been meditating here never been able to get anywhere so we can say you know this is who I am I'm a stupid meditator and if you can do that then you learn what meditation is you're at peace with yourself you've reconciled there's no more business then you stop thinking then you find peace then you find freedom you get at the point this is the brilliance of Buddhism as though out I've understood it you know sometimes we have this thing called forgiveness reconciliation covering over with grass we think that just is what we do for the past this knot is what we do for the future as well and the present I just go more into the future because there's so many people have anxiety and fear and there's supposed to be afraid of and also be anxious all but how about lowering our expectations about the future so have a realistic idea of what is future is yet many things are gonna go wrong in your life you are gonna get sick many people are gonna die this is not gonna be problems in life so expect it though your expectations and then you can be free I often tell people but if you get a phone call and your files say your auntie over in New York has just died if you're a Buddhist you should say yes I expected that what do you mean she's just been hit by a she's perfectly healthy what you mean you expected that you say I expect people to die at any time for any reason that's just the nature of life so please lower your expectations when you have cancer and you just been diagnosed the biopsy comes out yes as a cancer there can you tell your oncologist your doctor thank you doctor I expected that can you can you lower your expectations and learn how to forgive the future forgive your body for sometimes getting sick if you can you find you're such a poor piece you know with your body and mind now these sicknesses they don't hardly affect you at all so much of sickness is the body but the worst part of the sickness is how you react to it how your mind no treats that no the sickness is the old age of your body if you can treat it with wisdom no no I don't expect now I'm over 60 now I don't expect to be able to to behave like a 40 year old or 30 year old you know I'm gonna get tired I'm gonna forget things and isn't it wonderful that as an old man I demand my rights to forget and I'm not gonna feel guilty at all if I forgot what I told the same story last week so please lower your expectations you hear the same stories week because I put a home and the same jokes as well so so when we understand that and you know at peace with like we reconciliate be reconciled and this is actually the secrets of peace of mind we're at peace with the future but peace with the past and most importantly at peace with this present moment so we can't really relax and enjoy where we don't have any peace where we're always fighting this moment like a master or mistress looking at this moment like a slave how can you ever have any rest you'll always be apologizing for something never being a piece so please stop all this apologizing now you are who you are and people have got to get used to it fast so your part is your children your tears no your expectations I'm me this is who I am and especially if it's your parents you made me so your blame is your genes nothing do with me so that way that you can find peace in your life is reconciliation this forgiveness and it doesn't just go in the the ordinary way it goes deep deep deep all the way to enlightenment forgive the moment whatever it is I'm not sure why it happens to be this way it's just a result of cause and effect all karma here it is this moment is already here all I can do with it is to be at peace with this moment a week I learned from this moment but certainly I'm not going to be angry I don't expect life to give me what it can never give me and that means I can the last be at peace there's called forgiveness in the three-time sense whatever happened in the past whatever might happen in the future whatever happening now I forgive I'm a piece with load my expectations the last I feel reconciled thank you for listening okay I've got some questions already I saw it come up so here you have some questions from all sorts of people well from Dundee from Perth and also from Prague I was interested that where we get the questions from if you don't know that these talks they go out on the internet through many parts of the world and you know sometimes I give a talk say at Brisbane or wherever I give talks so people come up to me and said I've been listening to you on the internet for years now I see you live I can't believe it this so it's wonderful the monks and nuns who teach here they don't just teach in Perth they teach for the whole world and is huge number of people this thing but anyone Michael from Dundee in Scotland how does one reconcile oneself with someone who refuses to accept your forgiveness I had not even recognized the wrong they have done okay that's a normal isn't it no one ever sort of recognizes the wrong they have done and no more than you recognize the wrong that you have done so we always can recognize other people's wrong but can you recognize your own wrong you out force but what one can reconcile with is just that sometimes that the other person will never give you that forgiveness but that doesn't mean you can't reconcile with them remember forgiveness doesn't have to be a two-way street it can be a one-way street somewhere I forgive you Michael I'll let you go well let the past go I'm gonna be a peace but I can't force you to do that so at least you can reconcile with the fact that many people still hold on to their conceit it is concede that I'm right and you're wrong that's a conceit is ego it comes from a sense of self the real truth is we're all wrong sometimes but all right some sometimes so just let it all go this is just what a human being is so someone refuses to accept your forgiveness you give your forgiveness if they refuse to accept it to sleeve it with them you've given it so don't take you back and then you say well I forgiven them as far as I'm concerned the past is over the hurt is over I don't want to sort of creatin wife reconciled with you whether you reconcile with me or not that has to be your journey so again we have to do this in our own hearts first of all we have reconciled with our past no blaming so we can cover it over with grass and hopefully that encourages other people to as well so yeah sometimes but first of all don't even think or try and say who was right and who was wrong that is what actually stops reconciliation happening so again you can't say right and wrong that whole thing of attributing blame stops forgiveness and stops reconciliation so that's why there's beautiful covering over the grass you can maybe mention it to them great Buddha's teach you covered over with grass who did right who did wrong was too far in the past to know and so we'll always have an icon about that but let's just put it aside and don't even even go there you don't have to go there you don't have to apportion blame because I don't even like that blame game at all people are people we all make mistakes we're all human beings so let it go lower expectations and then once you stop apportioning blame then it's much easier to forgive and of course from that reconcile but in this case oh you can do that the other person can reconcile with that now though your expectations what other people can do but you do what you can do my 20 year old daughter and I have always been very close a year ago she found Christianity to Havas witnesses sex she has since severed all ties with me simply because I'm not one of them what should I do so I could reconcile with her we could be coming to home as witness you can become a Buddhist mole infiltrates go undercover sorry I told you I was a cheeky buck I know some Christian friends have often told me that sometimes people go into the these cults the extremists cars were to cut themselves off from other people they don't usually last in those cups I think sociologists who do research these are the figures not just the myths but the truth of the situation now they call those revolving door cults or sects and I think the average is they stay there for about two years and then what happens is that all the promises which these cults give them they're gonna be rich happy jesus loves you or somebody loves you you're gonna be happy ever after after a couple of years because these things don't deliver they get disillusioned and they leave and they go elsewhere so it's usually the case the average of course some people stay there for much longer even life some people leave earlier but the average is after a couple of years people usually and leave those sects simply because you know it doesn't really deliver what they promise so you can't wait for a little while and again you can always reconcile with her even though she can't reconcile with you and when it's all over don't go blaming one another now when she comes out you're there for her and then you can just - reconcile it just like even that sometimes people get into the cult of drugs and other sort of addictions in this world and during that time it's like being in another sect they were apart from you and a bit crazy when they're into the drugs or the alcohol but you know you just have to wait for them wait for the time when you know they come back to you which they will and then when they come back don't be angry at them because a lot of times if you've rejected them and got angry at them try to score them or use even force when they've been going into in other drugs or the alcohol then they've got no one to go back to no place where they can escape no refuge they can hang on to when you know the promises of alcohol or drugs also fade away the promises you so much and it give you a big hit for the first time but after well the promise of that life style it doesn't sort of doesn't deliver so people looking for something else so they look for the people they love the most so please waiting for your daughter please wait for a son or daughter has got heavily into drugs when they come out you're there for them and you can be the refuge to reconcile and to love one another and move forward but don't criticize or play cover over the grass and gorge from frog it's another the same question how to get rid of anger towards a person who doesn't want your forgiveness it's really strange that people they don't respect forgiveness enough in this world we're always into a blame and punishment type of society I think that really comes from my western education somebody does something wrong we wanted to be punished and no we just wanted to be humiliated and that's always thinking that I'm right and they're wrong so please if we can make sure that people don't have the conceit that they're right in their wrong and it's okay to be wrong and don't fear being wrong they can admit they're they're wrong and that would also mean they can allow for forgiveness as well because when I admit I've done wrong I've made mistakes I've made bad choices what I can admit that then I realized I would love some forgiveness and reconciliation and when you can personalize that they get empathy for other people where you know how you feel then you can know how other people feel and realize they need a forgiveness as well and if you can see more wonderful examples like what I saw last Tuesday of what happens when people forgive and say it's so beautiful it's so wonderful but if a person doesn't want your forgiveness at least they want the beauty of reconciliation of making up of no two people who have been enemies being friends again it's such a beautiful thing to see if we can see that more often then I think maybe other people will be able to reconcile on that so I remember last Wednesday I mentioned an event I should have mentioned that during the main part of my talk for those of you my age or older you may remember the Vietnam War and it was one atrocity during that war called the My Lai massacre where a group of American soldiers a large group were ordered to go into a village in Vietnam to kill every man woman or child about 66 or 67 I forget what but someone reminded me recently thirty years after these survivors of that massacre invited as many remaining soldiers from that unit to come and visit their village and these were the people who killed no innocent people their parents their sisters their uncles our answer grandparents and these were the few who survived you would actually got their life together again had kids got married and they invited the soldiers who done his terrible massacre back to their village to reconcile and there was some documentary made about this then it was beautiful seeing all these American soldiers being so surprised just how they were received with such hospitality how they were harmful they're looked after lavishly giving given feasts and these were the people who were responsible for them of so many of their relations and friends than loved ones and to see that forgiveness see that reconciliation was something very moving all those American soldiers apparently were crying and they just could not believe that this village had invited them this village had looked after them like like the closest of relations put on the best accommodation the best food for these people examples like that should be more promoted in our world to be seen by everybody maybe in the schools so that we never have a person who disrespects forgiveness that much so when it's asked for they don't give it maybe that's my training as a Buddhist monk I've been trained to value forgiveness so greatly doesn't matter what a person has done if they ask forgiveness I must always forgive them value that forgiveness much more than punishment much more than blame much more than trying to figure out who's right as well forgiveness is holy as part of love is part of beauty in basis world a great place and also a harmonious place until people do forgive one another like that there'll always be wars and conflicts and arguments and separations the lack of love the wonderful if people could reconcile shake it cover over with grass that's why personally I'm going on now I really do not like thanks like sort of war crimes commissions it's controversial I think they should be covered up with grass please forgive one another put us become peaceful fairies doesn't matter what the other side has done to you the longer you carry it along the more confident there will be in the future so that's forgiveness and reconciliation even on the big scale so I think when we would promote forgiveness and this beauty more and more I think then the people who don't give forgiveness or receive forgiveness will become less and less and less I have a much more peaceful happier place so that's the best I can do for you George and it's also Michael when someone doesn't want to accept your forgiveness of course I know that a lot after bikuni Automation is still people who will refuse to meet me even though I'm going to Tyler next week they say no they're not ready to meet me yeah that's really a shame but never mind sooner or later people come to their senses anyway any questions from the floor yeah he hahahaha and that is loving-kindness joy it's it's if you want to find this out if you look on the internet the Shambhala project there was some psychologists sociologists doctors they invited a number of people for six months to dedicate six months to this project three months half of them would meditate well the other people would do the cooking and the other time the other three months the other people would do the meditation the other people would do the looking after them because that way they had never one had a chancellor three months retreat but also they could actually look at the difference between those who did the three-month retreat first and as it didn't and one of the things I found out which were surprised them they had all these amazing gizmos like a hospital at the retreat center and they found out that people were meditating the mitochondria in their DNA did not degrade this is the cause of Aging now every time the cell divides these mitochondria they call it fraying and because they phrased slightly every time they divide now after a while that manifests is what we recognize as old age and all these meditators they found their mitochondria didn't degrade at all they stayed exactly the same as when they began so that's the secret of old age he would never believe that I was 120 would you you wouldn't want you because it's not true so that's it it's a meditation happiness and also not carrying around anger or guilt or fear that was a your face and every part of other part of your body see a question over there yes yes sir yes you're saying that that this is for the the video because they can't hear you over there now usually we have a person riding around with a microphone but they're not here today but I forgive them for that but it is true sometimes it's many things which are done wrong in this world and we do feel we need to do something about it to fight it we have to be very careful there because sometimes when we fight the wrongs in our world whether it's companies or pollution or exploitation of people the discrimination against parts of our society that's where we do fight against those things sometimes we don't realize what the cause is which is fighting against the symptoms rather than underlying cause you know what is the underlying cause a discrimination because people don't forgive a gay for being gay they think that everybody should be should be heterosexual now why do people just exploit our environment you know it's just because they can see that I'm not doing anything wrong you guys are doing anything something wrong this is what the world should be like so a lot of times that if you can go to the root cause of the problem then I think we can have a better world people have been trying to fight the environment for years and we're doing a pretty good job but it's not that much progress has been made there how many more kyoto meetings do we have to have it's not working and then if you have an environmental activist and you fight does that work we feel we should be doing something but you ask any of the the people already been fighting they get so frustrated and so disappointed they don't seem to be making enough headway so as a wife as a Buddhist monk I'm trying to go into different angles the human being why do you want to do that in the first place where is the anger which comes from that you know you want to go to war with another person just because you got a different religion why can't you sort of forgive one another and reconcile you don't need to be the same and find out who's right who's wrong to reconcile and if he just imagine if he could stop wars just by allowing people to reconcile with one another and allow people to have that forgiveness yes you killed my brother you shot him but I forgive you just imagine just how much pollution will be solved just a war one bomb huge amounts of pollution I saw some of those images some senior this whole neighborhood's whole towns reduced to rubble and I built things before I just know it takes such a long time to lay a brick and just one stupid bomb destroys all of that the amount of pain and sweat and hard work and I can't understand that so if people couldn't learn some reconciliation stop fighting each other I think we can have a much better world I'd go into another Court the cause of all that's a great question it's still sort of an unfinished unfinished argument there but I do suspect and my intuition is that we're going about these things in the wrong way we should go to the root of rather than just the symptoms of people not respecting one another and not respecting the planet we live on being angry at the planet and angrier people are not the same as ever so overcome that anger of reconciliation being at peace with the people you live with being at peace with this earth I think that might work other things that working are they to be honest anyway that's a whole different talk but thank you I really respect that question I don't think I've answered I think anyone could answer that properly but I did my best any other common equation for yourself okay well from ready to finish off with as usual go already agent Brown thanks for this wonderful talk on forgiveness and reconciliation yeah yes I listen to your talk no okay my mind be called you know not long ago I read in the suit past okay it says the Buddha says okay you know suit us he says oh oh because you know if you can overcome greed hatred or anger and delusion this is the banner exactly yeah so there's a lot of and announcing geez just greed hatred and delusion you know the Nibbana which is end of suffering peace you know and then you know that if that involves the what I call am reconciliation forgiveness yes yeah reconciliation is aa stasis shaping of anger and consumer Nibbana is a process of letting go no I agree with you surprise surprise I reconciled with you they'll get okay I think it's now time it's nine o'clock or five past nine we can actually now pay respects to Buddha Dharma Sangha those who wish to and they we can go and have a cup of tea and any other questions you must work on to come up and ask them

Channel: Buddhist Society of Western Australia

Views: 26,313

Rating: 4.9126215 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: 57dXMF4BZ3c

Length: 64min 7sec (3847 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 03 2013