How to deal with rejection and lack of self-worth | Ajahn Brahm | 30-01-2015

okay I can sort of start now a few more people are entering okay but these evening is it's nice even to sit outside you can hear what outside as well as inside so for this evening some talk and other requests made online this one was from a person in UK and it's quite a moving little story of someone who was not wanted as a child in an unwanted birth and parents splitting up and just again just being told to feel that they were just an obstacle to their parents freedom and happiness and always feeling a sense of lack of worth rejection from the earliest times in their life and as a result of that no never really doing well at school never doing what in relationship simply because one felt one wasn't worth anything and because of that that it was reinforcing their sense of failure in life and being someone who was just so low and worthless and it was so hard to actually to prove otherwise once you get into that cycle so they wanted me to talk this evening how do you deal with such people if you come across them or if you one of those yourself and the early very earliest moments in this life you've been told that you know you're just an obstacle to other people's happiness you are worthless the actually worse and worthless you're just a burden on other people and of course you know that many people who have that so very strong imposed lack of self-worth eventually not only just become failures in life but tend to self-harm get into addictions and suicide or they even do worse and harm other people so it's all about how to deal with rejection and it's very deep sense of self what lack of self-worth which is imposed upon us sometimes by others and the first thing which you know I always reflect is that you're not just conditioned by your genes or by your upbringing you're much older than this life you know in Buddhism we accept as an absolute as a truth as a as a provable proof so approvable our idea that you know we have many lives and when a person comes into this life they come with a lot of history unfortunately it's buried deep inside of them I'm not going to go on to the the proof of reincarnation or rebirth that was that was focused on I think last week where John Sakata majin buu Mardis early Buddhism course which I think should be online now but no there's so much evidence for that but what it means is if you're a person who comes into this life and had a very very far beginning to your life or even up to now remember you're much more than this life deep underneath there there was this other being which has been covered up no just by the trauma of your early life and thinking you're not worth anything and because there is something more into you inside of you than just that that is something which is a Buddhist monk I want to try and awaken a person to their much more than the abuse they have suffered they have a much longer history than that in Mahayana Buddhism which we accept as well as tera vaada Buddhists we have all these different types of Buddhism but they're also I keep on saying the same cake with different icing on the outside but they always used to emphasize the point that every human being is what they call Buddha nature it's a quite a beautiful idea it means that you have the various fires the most perfect beautiful compassion kindness purity love truth within every human being and it says something which now I took on board a long time ago so now when I do go to prison so I do go to places like the fragment Center to see people who are going through a very very tough emotional time and you know some of the lot Wars because they have mental disabilities or mental disturbances to see even in all of those people is the Buddha nature inside is this beautiful heart of peace and wonderful kindness and inside of them and there is also really quite fantastic now if I go into a prison and see a murderer as here Peter file and I'm going to say that that's not what I see there but see what other people say how these terrible people and you look deeper inside of that terrible thing which has happened to them or why they did those things you see the deep inside of them they got it's incredible beautiful hearts and you've all probably heard stories of some of these monsters and gorillas who can be just so kind and gentle and it's sometimes why is that the person who was in the newspapers who did all these terrible things yes it is there's another part to them which is again where I keep on saying there's no such thing as a prison there's no such thing as a murderer there's only people who have murdered people who have done those bad things there's something more to them deeper inside of them but it's how to get a person to recognize that they're deep inside of them there is a beautiful part of them and it doesn't really matter what other people have said to them or done to them and believing such stuff is nowhere near as powerful as seeing for yourself what's really in the center of you and a long time ago I developed a simile which now can really help here it was a simile of the lotus flower it's a very old simile of a Buddha and that's why we do have many lotuses on symbols of Buddhism and the first simile of the Lotus is a simile the Lotus is born in the mud in the dirt on the bottom of a lake or pond it's really yucky under there and it's very dark and very cold and that's where a lotus is born now in the terrible times of your early life it can be cold rejected hurt even even abused the Lotus can grow in that stuff in that muck and it pushes itself up what does it push itself up towards warmth than the light which he can sometimes sense at the top of the pond and sometimes it just takes more than just one life to actually to reach past the top of the pond into the warm light outside of the water but many lotuses actually do that the Buddha said it's born in the mucky stuff but it pushes itself always towards the top towards the light and eventually breaks through and opens up into this gorgeous float as you see in the lakes and the ponds now even in our cities it's a very beautiful simile which shows that even though you know you're born in yucky stuff you can actually grow right through that and it's a tendency of human beings always to grow towards the light to the warm to get out of the cold yucky dark gloomy stuff and that will always be the tendency for all people no matter how they are born sometimes you know it's like they're being born under a rock and I can't push through it but you do with a bit of help but the other simile is one of the more powerful ones about the nature of the human being and that was this simile of the thousand petal Lotus I usually just use this for meditation practices but it's also it's appropriate here because if ever you see a lotus at nighttime the Lotus is always closed up and if ever you look at a lotus flower when it's closed up at nighttime you know I would ever expect that in that dark in that dirty dusty no serrated you know unfrequent unbeautiful exterior could be these incredibly fragrant beautiful petals inside because I notice is closed up and of course that is my simile for people who are all closed up and all you see on the outside of them is their rough edges their negativity their darkness their pain that's on the outside because it's the outside petals which have to take no the experiences of life but deep inside every lotus there is the most beautiful and fragrant of petals inside you know that with a lotus and that's the same with human beings it doesn't matter this how much you be you've been hurt in the past doesn't matter how much you've been told you're not worth anything and you look at your clothes Lotus and you agree with them you aren't worth anything but look inside of every human being I'm talking about every human being with this beautiful part inside our job is hard to actually open that up so we can see for ourselves rather than just believing what others tell us who we are what we are and that is the path of a little bit of mindfulness a little bit of kindness because in the simile of the Lotus it's closed up at nighttime in the early morning when the first rays of the Sun hit the outermost petal of the Lotus it is the light and the warmth of the Sun which opens up the outermost petal and that allows the light and the warmth to hit the next layer of petals and the next layer of petals is they open up in turn and the deeper that the petals open up the more fragrant the more beautiful the more refined are those petals a really gorgeous ones are right in the middle there and so it is a joggle to actually open up a human being so they can see for themselves despite what your parents may have said your teachers may have said your case officers may have said is incredibly beautiful person inside there it's just opening it up so you can see it for yourself so you don't just have to believe me and to be able to do that is you know some of the purpose of our spiritual life how do you actually do that how can we open up how can we actually allow the light of the Sun and the warmth of the Sun to open us up and of course the light that represents awareness mindfulness and the warmth of the Sun represents kindness compassion that is actually what opens us up we are become aware it's a really great courageous thing to be aware to be mindful because when we first become mindful we're not really all that happy with what we feel when I become mindful and I sit here and we'll wear this old tired body I'm getting old now or and as you get old is more aches and pains and so as soon as I stop rushing around and can sit still what am i aware of this yucky feeling in my body but I am kind enough and why is it enough just to stay with it this is a wonderful thing happens with awareness when you have kindness when you're aware of even a pain in the body but now to hot to cold it's been very not very nice temperatures are not know about where you are but in certain times been very uncomfortable weather the last few days here but what do you do with it you stay with it you're aware of it it changes because when you're aware of something you stay with it it actually softens up and it becomes much more comfortable the problem with doing any awareness training is you don't stay there long enough to allow it to work it's not something which will work straight away you've got to stay with it and sooner or later the mindfulness becomes aware of something really quite pleasant so to be aware of those feelings of lack of worth of feelings of rejection feelings of you are worthless be aware of it don't run away from it for goodness sake and number two please have some kindness as well which is probably the hardest thing which for people to learn awareness mindfulness is not a hard thing to learn these days but kindness incredibly is the most difficult part of the equation to open up the Lotus and to see what a beautiful person you are inside the warmth of the Sun which is necessary and to get that warmth to actually to open yourselves up if you don't receive it from other human beings because we're not good at being kind towards one another even family members you would think the family members brothers and sisters we would learn how to be kind to each other but you just remember a Christmas time when you go home when we're going to visit my family at Christmas a long time ago and they were just so kind to each other when they went to visit each other for about five minutes oh nice and say you have you been and then the argument started quick I mean your family members can t be kind to one another and let each other be over Christmastime or Chinese New Year or whatever just that had to be kind to one another and how do you do that this speaking kind looking kind feeling kind being kind and that just softens all of the negativity in a bad speech which hard for people to do so we do need examples of kindness so we can actually grow in simple things like loving kindness and you're one of the easiest ways to learn loving kindness is to get a little pet because I read it in the newspaper in the local West Australian there's some really smart person here in the state lots of smart people in government rare but there are some decided to take some of these no juvenile offenders who got into all sorts of trouble with the law instead of not banging them up in a jail again or giving them councilors - sometimes the councillors can't do anything either instead they gave them dogs they aside every one of these really bad juvenile offenders a little puppy to look after to train and the results were incredible and they were saying instead of like a council another human being yeah they've been there they've done that they went to sort of a little puppy a little dog to train and to get to know and every time they went to this session with their puppy the puppy would jump all over them and lick them no counselor if it does that but even a monk does that I'm not going to lick here but these dogs would do that and they just melted some of these really repeated offenders and I was just at least 16 or 17 and gone through this a lot a lot of therapies and that really got to them something was giving them unconditional love and of course you know the puppy can't talk to you but it does actually show you there was something inside of them that this little juvenile offender had somebody who really cared about them and loved them and I started opening them up you know sometimes you're seeing RG I mean having puppies and dogs currently have someone who's I can actually talk to us and I told on the retreat that when the maxim this tradition first went to England you know the people there were bit concerned I mean can we offer this was in the early days when there wasn't so many supporters no can we afford to look after a monk you know how much does it cost I look after a monk and who's this guy he was now he was he became the head of this trust which looked after our monastery in England he was an economist and he was actually on the board of the Bank of England he was a professor of one of the universities in England so you know he really knew his stuff about economics they decided to work out before they invited any monks to their place how much does it cost to look after a monk and surprise surprise he found out that it's much cheaper to look after a monk or a nun than to look after a dog dogs are far more expensive and so that he when he found that out to his surprise and his loss of similarities as well when you think about it because no the dogs live in little huts we live in liberal hearts not dog houses with monk houses called cooties and the dogs eat out of a little bowl just like the monks eat out of a bowl and we're always very friendly and actually on Saturday morning people take us out a walk out for a walk it's called arms round and we always if we had tears would always be wagging them because we're very happy and we really sort of cut leave now sometimes we want to pat you on the head no such ever we know there's lots of similarities and I saw cuddly but please don't cuddle me no monks and nuns but you know because we don't have that many no you can't go and buy one from the Buddha Society so every home can have one I'm sure it'd be very very very good sales if we could have monk shops have little monks there so you can just go and buy one no when you feel a bit sad just take a full walk every morning I give them one feed a day and they're always there for you know to to make you feel happy whenever you feel down the great idea however there's not enough of us around for that so you have to you have to put up with dogs and pets a bit more expensive no not maybe as wise but they got unconditional love for you well it actually does it just starts to open up your heart it's a warmth of the Sun start to open up these these kids they've had a very very hard life and have started to offend and why do people offend everybody every psychologist knows they got lack of self-worth and I think they're worth sort of being good people a little dog or a cat changes all of that they feel for the first time love from somebody else and that's all you need when you see it from somebody else you see it inside of yourself that is why not just going to prison seeing the Buddha nature inside somebody now this is an arm like little dog sees something unconditional love towards these monsters with what other people think of monsters I see unconditional love and if you're a dog you don't care what crime your owner is committed you don't care you notice their reputation in life you just flick them like hell you jump all over them because you've got this beautiful unconditional love and that opens people up which one of the reasons why this person in UK who asked me this question if you really do feel you have a lack of self-worth and you're not worth anything at all you're like a little ant who deserves to be squashed I think that's the word which she used and everyone else is putting you down in this world and you can't get two decent people who are wise enough to give you that unconditional love just get it from a pet especially a little dog and learn unconditional love from one of the experts in our world and just that we'll sort of start to open you up you find a dog loves you and is kind to you and from that you know why is it that this dog actually likes me there must be something that dog can see in you which is lovable they can see that little buddha-nature inside it softens you and then you can start to look inside yourself one of the other little practices which i ask people to do if you think you're hopeless no worth no self esteem at all is actually to get the piece of paper out and then how many times I've done this with a person and this big piece of paper lying down the middle your name on the top and then just to get people going okay why don't you like yourself what's wrong with you and I put that down on the left-hand side of the line and they do that and they do that so quickly and then once they finish that up I ask the okay right-hand side of the line write something beautiful about yourself something which you've done which is kind you know sometimes I've sat next with my hat to help them they can't think of anything which is good about themselves and so I just ask some questions know did you did you pat a dog today did you give some water to the birds I was a little beautiful little wild rabbit at our jhana grove retreat center turned up a few days ago and one of the Anne agaricus you know broken a little precept he's really upset about himself and so I said I'll give you a penance what's the parents what do I have to do and so though there's a hungry rabbit over in jhana Grove go and take a carrot from the kitchen and go and give it to the rabbit it's a wonderful little thing a little wild rabbit it's just hiding eggs it's really hot in the forest and then next to the wall by the Japanese garden those of you who know John and grow he's been hanging out there to get away from the heat of the forest and so just go out to him and just give them a cower and it is so cute and yet even if you're a multiple murderer it will soften you just see a little rabbit just twitching its little face and smelling the rabbit and then really getting into it and apparently easy really fast it's a very godly rabbit but anyway it's just beautiful to be able to feed it and that makes me really soft and makes you not to be so negative towards yourselves a little bit of kindness with a rabbit you know with a a dog or something it just starts to open your heart up and then you can write that down on the right hand side yeah I gave a carrot to a rabbit today and it's a strange thing which may be you know not strange for you because you can understand these things but for others it's a strange thing that once they get the first thing down the second thing is much easier some other little good thing kind thing they did and the next thing on the next thing and they can actually soon fit fill up the right side of the paper and the next thing which you do is to tear the paper in half along the middle line you throw all the bad stuff away that belongs in the trash can and you keep the right-hand side one of your good qualities which somehow or another now you've managed to open up to and you keep looking at that you realize you're not such a bad person in fact you really quite good you've got some kind qualities and once used to keep thinking about those quiet qualities they tend to grow and you become a kinder more compassionate spending more time with other people other people start to like you and you can't believe it what they like me it's a strange thing like being a monk especially the young monks here sometimes that they think oh I John Brom he's so wise he'd been a monk for 40 years but me don't know nothing but we have this these little ways of even bringing up their confidence they know a lot about Buddhism they know a lot about Ummah they've been trained by me they've been brainwashed by me they know a lot and so we have this youth group every Saturday evening the Korean ohmmeter group yeah of course I could go to that group and teach them but that's missing out I get the younger monks push them in there and then afterwards they come back and they think wow people actually enjoyed what I said they actually thought I was wise and yeah that's a mind blowing for some of the young monks what I will why's because a lot of us know we always have this again it's lack of self esteem somehow or other it is ordinary people and other people have really been through hell and managed to survive somehow and then come out with a really bad idea just most people just totally undersell themselves they don't think they are good enough look is I have these great little stories as sometimes why aren't you good enough who says you're not good enough that's why I'm really against all these self-improvement courses when I taught a retreat recently over at jhana Grove I said this is not anything to do with self-improvement who said you're not good enough you don't need to be improved you're good enough as you are so if anybody sort of signed you up for some self-improvement course just throw it back at them who are you to say I'm not good enough I'm good enough as I am and that's it I don't need to be improved and you know you don't can you believe that can you accept that if you can I mean you're on the way to enlightenment but a lot of us say no I've got to fix up things first of what I'm a terrible and that is not the way to have peace of mind compassion that's not a way to open up the Lotus try to fix yourself up your Lotus opens up through awareness not criticism but kindness compassion allowing yourself to be who you are no matter what that is that gives you the confidence and the confidence starts to open up really deep down inside of yourself it's one of the reasons why that you know there's far too much criticism in our world and please don't be one of those people who criticizes be one of those ones who praises I'll take your children for example don't you bring up children like the person who wrote to me from UK always putting down your kids you're not good enough you're in my way now I got work to do I can't spend time with you please give your kids some confidence in their life give them time give them compassion always be pleased to see them if you're a father or a mother pretend you're the dog as soon as you see your kid wag your tail lick them or not don't needs no kid I'm busy get out do your homework what's a TV whatever it is because if you don't show that kindness and love to your kid of course the kid things are not worth anything your work is worth much more and if they don't do well at school and you two keep telling them off or not doing what at school what type of kid are you creating you don't have to do well at school and one of the cases important which I love bringing up again usually only on retreats there was one of my favorite monks in Thailand long time ago I only heard about it when I was a young monk I never actually met him but the reason why I was impressed by him was his story how he became a monk and how he became fully enlightened because he was a young kid when he went to grade one in school in the northeast of Thailand it was only basic in only four years of school this was over 40 50 years ago only four years at school and then you were out in the fields plowing and doing stuff with your father and mother was subsistence economy so when he went to grade one at school after finishing the year his teacher said I'm sorry I can't pass you you can't go on to greater you have to repeat grade one I don't know how anyone could fail grade one at school there may be plasticine you can't do plus other we do how can you fail grade one but this kid was so stupid he fell grade one and had to repeat it with all his friends went on to grade two and after another year in grade one his teacher said I'm sorry just with the best word in the world you have to repeat it for third year and after three years of repeating grade one at school the teacher the headmaster again so we can't pass his kid he's that stupid and anyone who can't praise pass grade one after three tries it's a waste of time sort of not getting him to help plough the fields it doesn't know one end of a water buffalo from another end and so the only place they could send him this was in Thailand in those times if you were that stupid you can't pass grade one after three years was the said into the monastery make him a novice monk now not all novice monks start their life out like that and the reason they send into the monastery village monastery because that was as the catcher that was a social safety net and at least the head monk in these monitors are always incredibly kind and so patient much more patient now than any sort of teacher in a school so this head monk in this monetary took this young kid under his wing and tried as much as he could to train him now we have to do some sort of chanting you know as a Buddhist monk and he tried to teach him how to chant simple things like the the namo tassa and say get the first word namo yeah what's the second word oh yeah so what was the first word again it was just so dumb he could not even do namo tassa and after a couple of years in the monastery in the village even the advert just could not teach him so the last resort the final resting place of such hopeless little kids were the forest monasteries where I come from so I said it one is forest monasteries we don't have to do the chanting and he just meditate all day and this fellow his mind was so simple they just asked him to snow just watch your breath go in and out and he could do it no problem at all because he'd know he didn't think that much not about you guys and so this person who everyone thought was stupid he got into the deep meditations really quickly and very quickly became fully enlightened on our huh so say who's a stupid one what this guy he is mine was so peaceful - so pure and kind interestingly I remember the story they said well you know as a monk he had to do some chanting and he could chant very well after that experience because what he actually did so he said they know with a powerful mind like that he could remember his past wise he remembered a past life when he was a monk before and when he actually did learn the chanting and he would actually connect with that past life but never he had to do the chanting so no he's actually sent his memory back and that's where he could charge in this life but in this life is his mind was so simple could how do you remember anything the reason I tell that story is how can you judge a person there was a person school judged to be like mentally deficient but when he found his niche in life he became this incredibly powerful wise great meditating teacher so lack of self esteem which is we haven't found our niche in life and everyone has got this beautiful character inside of them just need to be opened up he opened up because he was said to the right place the forest monastery where he could actually show just what he was made of and so this is with everybody when we find the right place for ourselves week all this judging with you a good or bad ugly or healthy I was telling some people that if any of you girls know a fad this is you were born in the wrong time because if you look about fifty hundred years ago seeing all these old these old paintings you know in the National Gallery's you know of these really beautiful women and they were already fat you know and so few artists overweight and just your timing was off you should have been born 100 years ago then you'll be hot very low fat people are good as well they're really good fun so don't ever demean yourself and think I'm ugly or I am NOT smart now everybody has incredibly beautiful parts to them the trouble is that we always tend to receive criticism and this is one of the reasons I'm asking each one of you to please be careful especially the way you talk to your kids to even just be mindful for one day of how many times you praise your children and how many times you criticize them now this is your children and if you can keep some sort of record of their you'll be shocked how many times you put your kids down and however you actually praise them and now you can understand why your kids misbehave because you think you love them you don't express it you think you're caring for them or they actually hear is they're never good enough never good enough at school never good enough at life never good enough looking after their room always watching too much TV spending too much time on video games whatever it is never good enough and I noticed that some years ago was on a bus coming back from I think was teaching at a school coming back here and just sitting behind to two girls maybe about 13 or 14 on the way back from school friends and listening to what they were saying I was overhearing them sitting right behind them and listen to their conversation I wasn't so shocked because it reminded me of my school days the conversation went something right you've got flat flat breasts you're never going to get a boyfriend but you've got a big nose you're not going to get one either and it always came picking forcing one another and these were the best friends do you remember that at school sometimes even your best friends and I pick and force with you let alone your enemies so when that happens people actually come out of school they come out of know the beginning part of their life thinking is something wrong with them they're not good enough and of course that is your lack of self-esteem and that is why people actually have failures in life failures in relationships it's also actually why we seek for relationships as I mentioned I've talked recently that's why people actually like to fall in love at last is one person who doesn't criticize me will ask me for who I am because when somebody says I really love you unconditionally darling you're amazing you're wonderful you're incredible I'm so lucky to be with you but some people are the first time in their life they feel validated what I'm okay it's incredible gift the unconditional love which a person gives you but unfortunately because it's a romantic love it usually doesn't last that long and that's a really downer afterwards when at last you thought you were worth something and they reject you that's one of the reasons why breakups can be just so devastating for people but why can't we do that with one another even though there's no sort of romantic or sexual relationship involved why can't we respect one another and show kindness to one another and praise one another oh my goodness that's what I keep trying to do it monasteries and try to do a Buddha societies and try and do with each one of you always building you up and praising you thank you so much for coming here thank you so much for all incredible generous acts you've done in this world because you received that praise what does that do for you it does feel that you are worth something I got my other trick for those of you who come to give food it bodean jana monastery I always look at you and say I'll thank you for coming young woman and they're in their 70s and I do that it's just simple psychology where you call me young woman I'm coming again then you like being called young when you're sort of 60 or something I call young men when you're in the 40s or 50s it's a simple thing of like praise and kindness yeah maybe a bit lying but no not that much what's really nice about it is you're saying kind of things to people you know how much people lap that up when you say kind things to them you should try that more often it's amazing this what you get out of life by just being kind to people you know there's some time ago one of our monks spent time in hospital I think it was in Fremantle Hospital and I asked him when he came out as only small things and how did you enjoy now what was it like in they said I don't wonderful time people were so kind and they were just so nice to me all the nurses so well you should actually write to somebody's to thank them and he wrote to the Minister of Health you know say thank you for your hospital I know what happened then it was McGowan it was it was it McGowan Minister of Health anyway minutes of Hell Santiago he got this personal letter back not dictated to a secretary not printed out on the touch but handwritten this much well thank you so much I got your letter that made my day thank you for enjoying just this wonderful health service you know side the minister or something I know you complain about not having enough beds and send it to the minister you don't even get a letter back from the Undersecretary of the Secretary of the secretary don't get anything back at all but you do a letter of praise and it's incredible what that opens up for you and art was I said why is that it's because they're always criticizing putting each other down and what happens we like this self-esteem some of us get so low that's all we ever get when we grow up it's a terrible world to live in so yeah maybe you know a few people are very unlucky enough to have parents who give you that 24 hours a day throughout your whole upbringing but you don't do that to your kids to your friends please do much more plays in this world so people don't have this lack of self-esteem they have courage they feel yeah they can go into life and do things they can try out relationships you know don't work this time it doesn't mean you a failure when I went to one of these big conferences in it's a hayward Island over in the Great Barrier Reef some time ago talking to one of these really big sort of industrialists in in Australia and you know he just chatting and he was just telling me he said I we don't call it failure in my business anymore we called it forward failing so what a beautiful little way of talking about it you don't fail in life you do a business it doesn't work out you try relationship and it doesn't work out no it's not failure don't call it failure that that's a positive private call it forward failing and that just gives it that little positivity that you are learning something from this you're growing you're getting better at it so it means the next time you're more likely to succeed in business and relationships meditation whatever it means that you know you get the confidence you can have another girl and you keep on going and that way you do succeed when you do succeed it's incredible what me I succeeded well as he somebody else he loves me and they care for me me I'm actually I give good talks I'm good at work my kids are love me where's that me I can do that then you start to open up and say yeah you have got this beautiful buddha-nature inside of you you have this kindness and goodness inside of you it's opened up with a mindfulness and the kindness a little bit of phrase is actually working so it's just getting it started starting to open up the Lotus of some of these people have been closed for such a long time and the outside has been just so wounded and so scarred I don't think they're good enough the other story which no I don't know how many times you've heard this one but it is great it just fits in at this point because sometimes people don't listen to one talk they don't know what I said two weeks ago three weeks ago that's always the story I I told you sit in a conference on mental health note about Oh during the winter time last year and that was over in the convention center in Perth and they were the person came up to me afterwards and said she apologized to me because he said when I first saw you coming into our conference you know please excuse the language this is what she said I thought who is this wanker coming to our conference and GK to apologize for thinking like that because I made her laugh I made her cry what made her cry these were clients you know who've been through mental health problems and were just know trying to do something to improve the surface for others so the story which made her cry there was no my story of the the trees and the forests often use this when people go to bodhinyana monastery or go to jhana Grove but they don't need to say it there say it here as well where if you go and as we can go for a walk in the forest somewhere please find a perfect tree for me a tree which has got all the branches equally spaced only green leaves no yellow leaves no brown leaves of no leaves which have been eaten by the insects which is perfectly straight not crooked or leaning to the left or the right and with a bark which hasn't been damaged by the bush fires or by winds and things hitting it a bark without scars on it and if you can find such a tree you'll be the first in the world to find a tree in the natural forest because every tree you look at them they're all beds and crooked they go got branches which have fallen off and that leaves the holes nowhere the birds and other animals can nest and if you look at the leaves is lots of yellow leaves and brown leaves and leaves which have been eaten by insects and all that the trees are crooked and bent and the scars on their bark that just the bark is really rough and knobbly and scarred there the beautiful trees and I said in this talk if you are one of those trees all bent and crooked with heaps of scars on the back with branches which have been ripped off by the storms of your life you belong as one of the beautiful trees in the forest you're my favorites can certainly I like the crooked trees of entries with all this garden and lovely bits on the outside they're the ones which are beautiful so if you're one of those scarred and damaged trees don't let anyone say there's something wrong with you in fact if you're totally perfect without scars you're not bent at all the something wrong with you now your your unnatural that doesn't exist you're not beautiful what that actually does it takes people who have been through difficult times and instead of looking at them as if they don't belong they do belong and their scars bent and crooked is what makes them beautiful what they're doing is they're seeing beyond what other people see they're seeing the beauty inside of them they're opening up the Lotus to see the Buddha nature inside of them it's incredible when people do they're they blossom you don't have to be like a supermodel or some footballer for the West Coast Eagles or the Dockers to be incredibly hot all you need to do is to open your heart and see this beautiful kindness and joy and and purity inside every human being and then when you start to do that what other people said about you just doesn't make any sense at all you totally reject what other people say because you can see inside of yourself what's really true where your parents didn't love you they rejected you they beat you they sexually abused you it's and that happens to so many people that doesn't make you an ugly person it's not that you don't belong yeah you're betting you quickly discard you're beautiful when you can start to see that your Lotus opens if when you belong your your lack of self-esteem the feeling that you don't belong that you're rejected disappears and then all the other beautiful things in life the relationships the success going to work the joy the happiness the laughter it all comes to you you open up a lot of times because of fear we close up hurt so many times we don't want to trust anybody but you know the only thing which opens you up is our kindness the mindfulness it opens you up enough to trust there's lots of beautiful people out there there's lots of dogs who go unconditional love if dogs have got that how many human beings have got even more when that starts to happen no people just soften open heal and instead of causing harm to themselves and in this world they don't go out trying to do good in this world they just naturally do good kind beautiful happy people we just want to spend time with one another why just like a dog will come and run up to you and lick you even though they don't even know who you are that's a beautiful kindness in that world when you see that is there we need more of it we need it to be shown more and more so please never take never lose the opportunity never pass it by to be kind to someone to say a beautiful word whether it's a bus driver who takes you to work in the morning whether it's now somebody stuck in the traffic you can roll your window down hi little acts of kindness you know one of the hardest places to crack for me anyway is the London Underground but I've succeeded many times you know you've ever go in the London Underground you're not allowed to look at each other you gotta look down and you've got your paper someone's looking you what do they want what isn't right you can do that I remember just very easier just oh you stuck in this underground I don't know how long and this is this is depressing so I just saw this girl she was holding her baby and I just okay I told a fib I looked up and so that's a beautiful baby I don't like babies but I said it's a beautiful baby and that just opened this girl up said I really said how are you where you from are you from Australia you a man when it's beautiful conversation to the very end just a tiny little bit of kindness like that and if that's a wonderful way to actually to open up to somebody say she's got a beautiful kid straight away no mother's love that straight away you're the friend so little things like that is amazing what you can do just don't just compliment somebody on some a little bit of praise it's just so rare that people actually open up they accept it and they just you can change the whole journey that way and that's actually how we can create a better world and so there's many poor people you know like the person who asked me this question it needs not just me and each one of you to be kind to praise one another to say hello to even a simple thing just a smile smile at somebody doesn't matter if they don't smile back you know wear them down with your smiling and after a while that just people give in and then they feel there they're loved they're cared for somebody smiled at me today Wow made my whole day and that's happened to me I just smiled at somebody and just thought it was normal they come back and then your smile made me so happy maybe change the whole course of my day thank you simple things can do that so you go out there and do that so these people in this world have had some credible bad childhoods haven't been loved by their parents relationships never worked out always being criticized at work and life and feel themselves a failure you got those smile at them say hello to them be kind a little bit of trace it's so rare it just melts them you'd be the dog who licks them metaphorically and that don't do it literally and that will actually change people's lives and make very lot of people that may be you as well listening here who think you're not worth anything you realize yeah you've been burnt you know you've been injured you are beautiful tree and most importantly you belong thank you for listening very good okay that was fun little person over in UK who asked me to talk about this hope it works because we sort of sad to hear that people how people are treated you've got a some questions over there I can ease the question from overseas any questions from here we can just deal them in a few moments here we go first of all for mortar would you suggest for someone who suffers severe low self confidence as a result of bullying in childhood and at work I can give you your this one is from water you keep tuning in from here Christine from water and your self-confidence will grow and grow and grow and grow because you'll get receiving a lot of praise and above and see if you can find yourself a nice little dog over mortar and the dog teaches you that yet see you are wonderful you're a great person and from the dog meditation can go out to people meditation and you know people get bullied one of the troubles with bullying I gave a talk on bullying some years ago it's the hierarchies we have whenever this hierarchies know people in high positions the bosses at work there's always going to be the bullying it's like no in schoolyards if you have kids in the same same schoolyard have vastly different ages and different physical prowess of course is going to be bullying sometimes so the hierarchies is one of the reasons why this bullying so if you can woody in childhood you notice that's gone now but at work please find a nice place of work there's many good places of work and people who bully you at work I mean that's not good for the company not good for you and just don't take what they say seriously in one ear and out the other and find some really nice friends and you practice no this is even though that you're a victim and I was saying today there's only two letters different between being a victim and a victor you know so turn around to be a victor but just you go on facing people at work you go out being kind at work and if you try and do that you change the whole work scene when you're kind to them you get kind of speck anyway another one from Uruguay is there anything one can do when other people don't see there is beauty in every person yeah you'd be a beautiful person you'd be such a kind person and I see the beauty in you and then when you go and see other people you see beauty in them when you can see beauty another person then they tart to see it in themselves again that's what I did when I went to prisons where people aren't Ted not to see beauty in themselves because they're you know in Australia they were green clothes and everyone else wears other types of clothes but when you enjoy you wear green clothes so please in the United States they wear orange clothes everything keeps telling you're a prisoner he does something wrong and having that time every time of the day you reminded that you know of your crime nothing reminds you of the other part of yourself so that's when you need people like myself to go inside a prison and say yeah you're not a criminal you're a person is done a crime I see the other part of themselves are the part of them the thing is when I see that beautiful part of them they see it in themselves so Caroline from org-wide you go and seeing the beauty in other people that's your training and just because you see it they will start to see it themselves and lastly her from Perth it may be someone sitting in here because sometimes people said we didn't have a chance to ask a question because you're willing only answer questions from overseas so actually sitting over there they got on their phone and they wrote a question okay how does the Buddhist philosophy deal with the concept of the clinical psychopath I believe that these people are worthy of empathy is he only as they are only hardwired in a different way however they exert a large influence over society at large but due to their nature does the Lotus exist within this personality type of course it does clinical psychopath be careful of what the clinical system diagnoses and stereotypes people as if you labor a person as a psychopath that they become a psychopath they live up to your expectations there's no such thing as far as I understand the nature of the human mind in Buddhism there's no such thing as a psychopath there's a person who exhibits psychopathic tendencies and it's not hardwired is much more to the human being than the brain and don't think there's something wrong with the brain and that's why they do these things otherwise you give them all of these these chemicals no to try and change their brain chemistry or you know take out part of their brain with surgery and stuff like that thinking that's going to help it's not just the is this mind thing as well and if you get into the mind stuff then is another whole area of treatment so you know with a clinical psychopath there's no such thing unfortunately you have to diagnose these things and that's a really unfortunate part of our of our society the person who's exhibited psychopathic tendencies but then he's another way to deal with that it can't is a person who has no empathy learn empathy and of course one of the great examples I was talking about these kids you know who were don't know what they were diagnosed as well it probably diagnoses hopeless cases and they just learned some empathy themselves know from little animals maybe it's because animals were safe people had hurt them so many times they would not open up towards the kindness of a human being a little kitten or a little puppy just melted their defenses open them out so I'd actually get a psychopath a little puppy and even if it killed it I get him another puppy so many puppies until the puppy broke the psychopath down that's probably what I would do there it's not a large influence of a society at large it's because we're afraid of them we don't know how to deal with them so eventually we just institutionalize them how many Psychopaths was supposed to be Psychopaths actually do change and do learn and I'm sure there's been quite a few actually open themselves up to kindness this is the condition nature of the minor be conditioned to be afraid conditioned know to hide their empathy now I done it for a long time I said this story I remember as a young monk I had this dream once the very powerful dream which I remember it so well I remember just dreaming that I was being tortured then as this is the past Vipers way vivid being tortured by people stopping me hurt so much I went to a deep place inside myself just to escape the pain is the only place I could find and it's a quite strange dream because I dreamt I was catatonic for years alive but not being able to respond like in a coma and what took me out was just as beautiful kind words know from a carer in some institution somewhere who was so kind and I trusted the world again allowed myself to be drawn out back into life it's weird dream but what he actually showed me was a way that we hide because of the great pain of life sometimes it gets so painful either physically or emotionally really cannot take anymore we go into some sort of hiding place no for me and that dream was this in a deep deep catatonia where I would not respond to anything in the world or it could be just with no the other protective mechanisms of unwilling to show any empathy and being violent used to protect yourself and the only way out was incredible kindness which no to me and also in Buddhist ideas is the power which nothing can resist credible kindness just drawing you out from a place a hiding place built by fear coming out into the world again being alive again it's only a dream it was very meaningful for me and this is the psychopath they are are in their little bunker inside themselves so anyway they know to protect themselves so we'd hurt really badly so bad you can't stand it anymore literally and you go inside the kindness just draws you becomes irresistible draws you out back into the world again it's a kindness compassion that is what draws the psychopath out yeah they're beautiful inside the kindness needs to open that door okay any question from the floor here yes over there we just have one question because otherwise we go over time you see earlier in the talk that there's no need for self-improvement hahaha and it is so my first question it says is in self-improvement just about growth and isn't growth just what we are doing right now about learning meditation coming to talks like this then my second question is that how do we reconcile how do we reconcile growth and being content exactly it's when you're content only then do you grow and this is the same thing with self-improvement if you try to improve yourself you tend to get worse we've been trying to do that for years trying to improve society to only improve the economy to an improve and a lot of times there's something psychologically wrong with that you know I don't know if you've got a partner in life but please never if you've got a nice partner boyfriend or husband please don't try to improve him if you try improve him you'll destroy your relationship it's not about improving the person you stay with it's by caring for him and when you care for him then he improves then he grows just like you if someone cared for you really cared for you you blossom you'd grow to grow a flower you don't need to stretch it you just need to care for it the warmth of the Sun you got enough water in the ground enough nutrients so it just needs the Sun to actually turn those nutrients in the soil and the water into this beautiful flower or tree whatever it is that's how things grow from kindness now sometimes that talked with someone earlier about regenerating parts of the forest the best way to regenerate part of the forest is just to fence it and keep people out keep people from trying to improve it and it grows naturally and improves nitrates and nature of this world to do that if we can only leave it alone if someone put on you leave you alone instead of always trying to get you to change this and improve this and learn that you can just leave you alone you would grow naturally and beautifully do a great human being they try to improve you that sucks and that's you heard me teach meditation if you try to improve your meditation it gets worse if you care for it just let it be why are you getting lightened this is a powerful psychology of Buddhism and all this improvement we try to improve - what is this goal you're trying to reach now the perfect woman the perfect man is there's all of these attainments and and whatever little pieces of paper and put on the ward of your office a degree here a PhD there another certificate and there's another certificate in that whatever does it destroy the trees in the world with all this paper and stuff that's not who you are either that just means you're good at the exam if you know the system you know you can actually get qualifications here does it make you a good psychiatrist or a good doctor or good person so caring not curing you know that alstory doctors doctor job is to care not to cure not to improve but to care for the patient then the improvement happens be careful that it's something very powerful and deep in that teaching we all want to improve other people we always want to improve ourselves and we're getting a big mess all the time care for yourself care for your partner care for life care for the planet and it cures okay enough for this evening thank you very much everybody and now I'm going to pay respects to Buddha Dhamma and Sangha and then afterwards have a chat whatever you need to do

Channel: Buddhist Society of Western Australia

Views: 280,202

Rating: 4.8683653 out of 5

Keywords: Ajahn Brahm (Person), Buddhism (Religion), Dharma (Belief), Self-esteem (Quotation Subject), rejection, Social Rejection (TV Subject), dhamma

Id: enFEj7wKrnM

Length: 67min 39sec (4059 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 31 2015