The Needless Person

hi everyone it's Dr Romany and welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism narcissistic relationships and healing from these relationships I call this video the needless person let's talk a little bit about what that means so let's start by considering and you could write this down you could drop it in the chat let's talk about what happened to your needs when you were in a narcissistic relationship where did they go what happened to them and how do you get them met now the needless person I wrote these words down after I had done one of the many podcast interviews I've been doing for this book right and I wrote the words down and they wanted to think about them as a concept for something to bring to YouTube right and then I walked away from my desk and a few days later I looked looked down at the note on my desk and I was confused and I thought what the heck does what was I meaning when I wrote needless person I was reading it now like needless to say like a person we don't need and then I remembered what I really meant because people often ask me what kind of person does well and I put well in quotes with a narcissistic person because obviously nobody really does well but what kind of person may make it work and dawned on me that would be someone with very few needs and very little sense of self why would this be a person why would a person be like that lots of reasons severe trauma bonding since childhood cultural factors that so incentivize just being what other people want of you and not yourself lack of knowledge or education about these patterns or being surrounded by other people who are living or have to live this way right so let's talk about this needless person because this is literally what the narcissistic person really wants though they would never articulate it that way right the needless person never articulates any needs or and they always put whatever needs they have second and they've been indoctrinated into believing that not needing and giving in and taking care of others is virtuous or good or they've learned that to be needless is the only way to survive to have no needs and become needless could be a form of trauma response become what the other person wants and then you are safe connected and attached it's horrifying and it's tragic but don't delude yourself into believing that this phenomenon is something that we'd only see in heavily authoritarian or inequitable cultures where I don't know for example women may not have many rights Noe it's happening right near all of us think of how many people walk through the world I see this on the internet and social media and articles and stuff they'll say they try to view themselves as easy I don't need anything I don't make any demands I'm just cool I don't need you I don't know need anybody I can just go with the flow folks that's the modern version of the needless person I don't need anyone I can do it all myself and I could just be cool and go along where it has been culturally Twisted though is that we view this as being someone who's flexible easygoing modern adaptable basically have no needs and you're a catch because you're so amenable and you can easily see how a very strong person who values their own capacity to meet their own needs and go with the flow and never be perceived as needy or demanding who views being easy breezy as making them more attractive you can see and if you don't you should can get someone horribly stuck in a narcissistic relationship because over time I promise you at some point you will be criticized for having a need and the trains in your life with a narcissist will generally run on time if you don't have any needs but keep in mind that the narcissistic person will never Pat you on the back and thank you or congratulate you for being so need free the needless person is a sad artifact of History meeting modern times of sociological chickens coming home to roost of the sense that the more easygoing you are the better a world where we confuse flexibility with having no needs and let me tell you the narcissistic people have glomed onto this and when I see narcissistic relationships work it is often because one person had to completely surrender which is not good for the person who surrendered really it is not the evolution of a person becoming a needless person can begin in childhood where the message from a narcissistic parent is have no needs become what I want and you will be loved the child may make needs known at some point voice their needs and then they'll be labeled as ungrateful or selfish or they'll just have their needs ignored and the child who's needing to be attached or connected slowly gives up on their needs and either figures things out themselves or collapses into helplessness this can follow these kinds of patterns can follow a person into adulthood and then you can easily become the needless person the narcissistic person doesn't necessarily Target these so-called needless persons they don't know initially but what may happen is that the narcissistic person will take advantage of the needless person the needless person may put up with the BS Games that the narcissistic person plays they call they don't call they text back wait then they text back a lot and then they make you feel foolish if you voice your needs of wanting better communication in the relationship the needless person may not feel their wants or needs will with regard to communication will ever be honored so they don't try and the ground game quickly becomes what works for the narcissistic person in the relationship over time the needless person is more likely to get stuck in one of these relationships because the dyn dynamics of the relationship May simply go unquestioned people who remain needless are at risk they're at risk for not caring properly for themselves or advocating for themselves at a crucial time like during a Health crisis we did a workshop in our healing program recently and the number of people who were sharing that they've developed autoimmune conditions as a result or because of or while they were in narcissistic relationship ships is staggering that sort of chronic unrelenting stress and the absence of any of your needs ever being met you may think that you're just being easy breezy but all of that accumulates physiologically and hurts you and you're at risk for meaning Miss missing out on meaningful opportunities in your life in terms of Education career family and just the stuff of life when you are needless and most pointedly you may not be able to discover and explore what happens to you when you're needless the needless person is forever stuck in the subjugated web of service to the narcissistic person or the narcissistic system but the needless person is still put out there as an ideal perfect for rhetoric around how all relationships are sacrifice and difficult that parenting is meant to be a one-way Street of giving your yourself up for your children for their entire lives that we're supposed to work all the time without breaks or vacations compromise and sacrifice in relationships Is Not a Bad Thing per se it is part of the equation of balance but it only makes sense if it's being met and supported that there is a reciprocity in mutuality and you feel like you're being seen heard valued and being actually allowed to be your true self frankly under those conditions if you're sacrificing it doesn't feel feel like sacrifice and a healthy partner or family or even a workplace will recognize if someone is not exerting their needs and check in on that and make sure that the person's okay but if you are in a long-term or have been in a long-term narcissistic relationship being needless sort of sadly if you will worked while it took a toll on you I have to tell you I remember as a child thinking that perfect being perfect being ideal meant that you simply went along with everyone else you caused no friction and you were easy and flexible and always enthusiastic about what other people wanted but I was never taught the other half that in a healthy relationship two people or a group of people go along with each other listen to each other's needs meet each other halfway or at least part of the way needless to say needless to say none of us should be needless healing means figuring out what yours are from the kind time to space to meaningful activities to needing a snack to the thermostat setting to what temperature you want your water that you drink to be to how you hope to communicate to how you feel safe know these things and find find spaces where you can express them when you recognize there's folks in your world who shut you down grieve that and then learn from that grief is not just a process but it is also a mighty teacher sadly we think that the counterweight to need less is needy which implies desperate sad pathetic right the counterweight to needless is actually self-aware and self-compassionate no human being should ever exist solely in the service of another all of us have a basic human right to our true selves the narcissistic people don't want to give you that so don't go living so don't go looking for it there find your safe spaces even if initially they are with yourself and let yourself need and know what you need it may also make you less vulnerable and more Discerning in narcissistic and in other toxic relationships thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 35,564

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Id: zRhB2EefgXo

Length: 11min 42sec (702 seconds)

Published: Tue May 07 2024