The narcissist’s 4 greatest fears

narcissistic people actually feel tremendous shame over their Failure to Launch it's at odds with the grandiose defenses and they know that other people may not view them as successes because they haven't launched what is it with narcissistic people and abandonment so let's take it on what is it so the very people these narcissistic folks who are literally like Bulls in a china shop when it comes to their relationships may actually be far more fragile around abandonment so let's take apart what is that about foremost it's about attachment narcissism is a personality style which is very multi-determined and we've take that on in many other videos there's no singular path to narcissism and the different backstories can result in narcissistic people that look different kinds of ways now sometimes what we do know is that the more chaotic neglectful childhood backstories that result in narcissism tend to land more and look like vulnerable narcissism the overly indulgent emotionally available no limits entitled parents and childhoods those will slightly more often beget the more grandiose ones but no matter what the path attachment issues appear to be the evolution of narcissism and then the subsequent abandonment issues most narcissistic folks are anxiously attached though there is also some overlap with avoidant attachment anxious attachments are associated with with this idea that a person doesn't do well with separation is they they're anxious when they're apart from a primary person in their life and can get angry at the time of reunion sort of feeling angry that they were ever left in the first place for folks with anxious attachments separations and the endings of relationships are experienced as really deep wounds that are harder for them to get past the other element that makes abandonment such an issue in narcissistic personalities is there need for control this means that a narcissistic person is willing to end a relationship on their own terms but they don't like being left the control is once again a sort of grandiose defense that allows the vulnerable parts of them to sort of be buffered or protected so the control means that they control the narrative and nobody really gets to leave so if someone does leave there is a Cascade of how dare you sort of Rage then there are Optics narcissistic people care what things look like they may do Shady things in private but don't like it when things don't look what they think is right in public because if they don't look great in public that affects them getting validation so as a result people who are narcissistic will do things like continue to miss treat a spouse and stay in the marriage for show cheat in private and then be enraged if someone leaves them because now things don't look so good if they don't have sort of the marriage the Christmas card the picture all of that and all of this comes together under the big bow of lack of self-awareness and fear of vulnerability to speak about fears to do the work of addressing their own shame to be more clear on how childhood attachment issues and other past family stuff may have impacted them that self-awareness can then be what brings a person into their adult self and not be pulled around and not be pulled around by the nose of insecurity fragility and fear it's damn near impossible for narcissistic folks to plug into their vulnerability because it feels cataclysmic to them and they will rage and lash out at anyone who pings or evokes that vulnerability and that shame in them this is why narcissism as a personality style is so complex in adult relationships there is the little child in the narcissist that desperately needs attention there's the wannabe superhero that has to be the boss and in control all the time to keep the insecurity under control there is that internal publicist that needs everything to look right and there is an utter lack of self-examination or Clarity people are often surprised at the depth of a narcissistic person's response to someone ending a relationship with them and it's not just romantic relationships it can be leaving a job or ending a Business Partnership it can be distancing or ending a friendship sh or ending a relationship with a family member in many ways the silent agreement we unfortunately craft with narcissistic people is that we are supposed to unquestioningly put up with their invalidation and never leave issues like post-separation abuse the escalated harassment we see when somebody breaks up from a narcissistic person the stalking that they can't let go Behavior after a breakup all of that's a manifestation of these abandonment issues that completely go sort of Full Tilt so too are passive aggressive social media campaigns against someone smear campaigns after the relationship ends and Petty behavior that can persist for years folks who decide to cut off narcissistic relationships have the sense it will be hard but most people people are surprised at how hard it is and when you account for what may be your own struggles with anxious attachment are and throw that into the mix it's a wonder that anyone ever gets out of these relationships but odds are their abandonment issues are worse than yours so don't let that tough person exterior throw you off and that is why these breakups are never easy no matter what kind of relationship it is is the narcissistic person's grandiosity is a really interesting barrier to them actually getting anything done narcissistic folks love to talk a big game they like to talk about the screenplays they're writing that are going to get made and they know a guy who knows a guy who has a connection for this new business that they're going to open or they're going to start a new makeup line or handbag line or cupcake store or craft business or pie shop or Consulting practice so many things and talk about it heck they even get the logo made before there's actually anything done these are all lovely Endeavors but to make these things get off the ground require tons of hustle hard work timing more hustle persistence grit and hard work the problem is that so many narcissistic people feel entitled to success and they often resent the world when it doesn't deliver on the successes that they believe that they deserve the idea that they have to work hard roll up take lots of shots at Target sometimes endure disappointment again that flies in the face of the grandiosity I'm so great why do I have to try so hard and then they fall into victimization well other people don't have to try so hard other people are taking advantage of me they are these narcissistic folks literally want businesses handed to them want them to be profitable on day one many narcissistic folks will cite ADHD as the reason that they cannot get things done despite in most cases that they were never formally assessed for it I got to tell you when what's called ADHD consistently sits alongside patterns like lack of empathy entitlement grandiosity validation seeking I tend to be a little dubious about using it as a sort of an explanation or a way to get out of things becomes an excuse for everything for why they shouldn't have to get out of bed in a timely manner in the morning or meet deadlines or even show up to a job on time or listen to what anyone else has to say and then they'll say things like H I just have so many amazing ideas and so many creative thoughts I'm just distracted by all of it I can't focus on just one there is good research showing the impact for example from a treatment perspective the utility and the impact of techniques like mindfulness on ADHD it works well but alas if you were to make the suggestion of mindfulness training to a narcissist than the therapist or anyone else that's trying to help the narcissist is often faced with contempt for suggesting something like mindfulness you simply can't win now another issue that comes up quite regularly with the narcissistic person's Failure to Launch is the idea that uh nobody is showing me how to become successful I'm not sure exactly who's supposed to show you that but they will often blame parents teachers lack of mentors and all of that without ever actually reaching out to anyone to even try to find guidance they actually I guess they expect people are going to reach out to them and offer them Pearls of Wisdom there is very little taking of responsibility for themselves but lots of energy is put into blaming the world for why they couldn't reach Grand Heights of success they are if they put as much time into working as they do into blaming I don't see how they couldn't be successful now narcissistic folks are often quite perfectionistic it's a manifestation of the grandiose defense by holding a perfect standard in a way they think well then I'm perfect the problem with perfectionism and not just narcissistic perfectionism but anyone who struggles with perfectionism is that it stops things from getting done and many narcissistic folks FKS who have this perfectionistic bent won't launch because they tend to get so lost in small details and are rigidly stuck to those details so nothing real gets done and of course as we all know narcissistic people care so much about how they look to the world about success about being the very best about being seen as the very best and in many ways let me tell you that does them no favors they aren't interested in the climb they are only interested Ed in the summit and they have lots of contempt for the climb they want to talk about their IPO the big house they're going to buy the vacations they're going to take the things that they're going to do when they have their success the power that they're going to have they like to talk about that Summit that outcome but there's almost never a well articulated sense of how to do the gut work to get there the daily often un recognized work of dues paying or just trying things out to see what works that kind of day-to-day slog that is not interesting to a narcissistic person their focus is on the grandiose conclusion and it doesn't include all of the work that has to happen in between if you talk with a narcissistic person well perhaps in a casual conversation you will see that they're really good about talking about the big goal at the end of the road they haven't opened the business yet but they're already talking about franchising it they don't have anything resembling a business plan and they're already looking at places they're going to rent and the display cases that they're going to use they haven't applied to school yet but they're already talking about graduating and then getting their first job and how much money they're going to make listen initially it can be sort of fun to listen to these big dreams but over time it becomes a bit annoying as though you are watching a children's show about something sort of Fantastical that isn't going to happen and if you're having to bankroll this it can get really really annoying but where this can be most difficult is if this unlaunched narcissistic person is at all financially dependent on you a narcissistic adult child a narcissistic partner maybe even someone you work with they may at times be hostile irritable they may blame you for their lack of success they may be full of self-loathing for having nothing to do all day they may be rageful entitled saying things like GH it's BS that someone as smart as me has to jump through all of these hoops and they still and still with that grandiosity and then talking about everything from their ADHD to the lack of support to nobody believes in them despite you supporting them day after day then they'll talk about how the world is unfair that life is unjust all of these become the reasons for they're not succeeding I have witnessed many people put tens of thousands of dollars and hours into trying to help a narcissistic person launch after all that only to have them still living in a financially dependent State and blaming you for it narcissistic people actually feel tremendous shame over their Failure to Launch it's at odds with the grandiose defenses and they know that other people may not view them as successes because they haven't launched the social comparison that narcissistic people engage in for example looking at their social media perhaps seeing someone else that they know who is succeeding far more than they are it can definitely evoke that shame even more and that shame will turn into rage that they lash out at they lash out with at the people who most support them like their family members and their Partners it can feel absolutely terrible to help and sacrifice and support and then have someone turn around and blame you for them not launching and it's here that we tend to see a lot of enabling some parents feel guilty that their narcissistic child isn't launching in fact many parents may even be reluctant to see their child through a lens of narcissism and parents for example in this situation may keep feeding the beast in hopes that their support will leave their child feeling supported so they will they will finally launch but alas the victimhood that we so often see that becomes a part of the narcissistic person's identity you supporting them even though they claim they are not supported actually doesn't work because then it kind of takes away an excuse for not succeeding right so you can't win it's easier for them to remain victimized and passive aggressive it's as though that's almost more congruent with their identity the grandiose and entitled expectations of sort of quick success is what trips up many a narcissistic person and it can contribute to the Failure to Launch this mixes up with their tendency to engage in lots of social comparison because narcissistic people will often compare themselves to exceptional I mean very exceptional and privileged cases the trust fund kid the kid whose parent is bringing them to take over their own very successful company or somebody who has connections at a certain University and can get them in or the kid whose parent is already a successful movie star wanting to go into the entertainment Biz because those special people people of that kind of privilege are sort of viewed as special those special people are in line with how the narcissistic person views themselves I mean unlike the rest of us unwashed slubs who don't come from fancy family legacies and we just had to get up and do the work and hope that it keeps the rent paid and the lights on a narcissistic person hates the idea of being that ordinary to be ordinary for a narcissistic person is actually like hell if you are experiencing this kind of frustration in a narcissistic relationship you are not alone Failure to Launch is a universal feature of the narcissistic relationship so what do you do and I mean think about it there's so many ways that this can play out there's really not much you can do and that's that's a sort of kind of deus but there's really not the more you keep giving into it the more you are enabling it you don't need to be intentionally cruel but you're not going to fix it by giving them more and more resources after a while a narcissist can become a real money pit ultimately we are all responsible for how each of our own stories turn out in many ways and some of us may have had many many more barriers in our way than others people figure it out but that rationale only works with people who are not chronically grandiose another situation to sort of keep in mind in these relationships is for example if let's say you are in a relationship with somebody who's on this constant Failure to Launch trying to launch this trying to launch that bigger idea bigger idea they get frustrated they feel entitled they don't really do the work they feel almost like contemptuous that they have to and you're actually trying to have a family or raise kids with a person like this it can be incredibly painful to watch the kinds of financial sacrifices you and your kids often have to make for the Folly of a narcissistic person's dream and you may Wonder are they not seeing the impact this is having on the kids no they're not because they can't see what's happening around them because keep in mind as always the narcissistic person isn't going to change on your watch it can be frustrating as hell to watch this and it can also be draining you financially if they aren't contributing to a household and especially if you are the primary provider of money and household work if you are spending money on them that you're are going to need for example an older age if you keep giving advice that is never taken and wasting your time this is not only financially draining you it's really psychologically draining you we are all responsible for our own launch for our own flight right a gust of wind certainly helps but the rest of it is up to us and I guess that narcissistic grandiosity and entitlement are like the weights like hanging off the side of a balloon that keep the narcissistic folks from taking off in many cases they have it interesting obsession with order and specifically with very ordered living arrangements they eat in a very specific way at very specific times with a very specific temperature kept in the house with very rigid daily schedules and their same precise I don't know exercise or yoga ritual at the same time per day followed by the same cup of whatever magical herbal something or other they drink in their very specific cup and because narcissists tend to intimidate and Bully and oppress and force every everyone into their schedules they're often able to get away with it often it's because the narcissist keeps Financial control over the household or the community in which they live so because they have that control from such a fundamental level it's usually their way or the highway now these rigid obsessive patterns can actually be quite bizarre to witness now interestingly some narcissists and this definitely came through in the Epstein article as example can be downright what we call fastidious like clean to almost uh fault and restrictive in all of their health habits and despite being disregulated cruel and terrifying people as malignant narcissist are they may take a very strong and antagonistic and very self-righteous stance against certain behaviors I don't know like alcohol or TR drugs or tobacco or vaping in their presence now many of us don't like these things in our presence but we find an appropriate and regulated way to set the boundary without shaming the individual engage in that behavior they don't if anyone's doing something they don't like nobody eats sugar in my house and really shame the person doing it that's something cruel about that they can also be obsessed with physical order in their environments to the point where it almost looks like an obsessive compulsive picture but it's not their homes may be characterized by surgical precision and order things cleaned multiple times per day an almost germaphobic approach to wherever they spend time their offices their cars their homes and listen Sigman Freud would have a Feld day with the the obsessions and Order and cleanliness he would likely frame it as a defensive correction of their internal sense of sort of dirtiness and chaos and unworthiness because ultimately that is what the narcissist grapples with their own sense of of not enoughness that they take out on the world but all of this orderliness is actually an interesting tell now please be please know I'm not talking about people who do like their lives to be tidy who do want things in their place rugs vacuumed and especially these days wanting to keep things hygienic and things put away I'm not talking about that at all I wish I was more like that this is more about a rigid unrelenting obsession with order and anger and rage that come out when those things don't happen it's as though the obession with order becomes just one more tool with which people like this control other people and even in in a person who may be unusually orderly the presence of that orderliness if it's also paired with empathy compassion appropriate communication and self-reflection that's not what I'm talking about I am talking about the person who lashes out when their perfectly ordered world is at all interrupted it's really when it gets bizarre and pervasive the obsession with the home the office the food the exercise rituals the schedules the if you're going to be in my life then this is how I run things and don't you ever leave a dish on the counter or interrupt my meditation and yoga ritual obsessiveness listen the irony is not lost on me that daily practices such as meditation and yoga which are supposed to promote inner compassion and inner equinity still become a tool of abuse in the hands of a narcissist you got to love that I mean they can turn a feather into a gun I'm not sure how but it's their special brand of magic but this is a tough way to live in many ways those who live with narcissistic individuals not surprisingly have to shape their lives around the narcissist rituals it's almost like the nap schedule of an infant right it's quite likely that the Deep ego insecurity of the narcissist means that they use this obsessive order as a means of managing their insecurity and they're not at all aware that that's what they're doing and all this is actually not surprising we interestingly in a very different example can see a similar pattern in trauma survivors who sometimes will get into almost obsessive patterns of controlling their environment and trying to keep order to help them cope to give them a sense of control but here's the rub obviously I understand that but the struggle is that when the narcissists get caught in all this rigidity and lashing out they'll become very angry at anyone who in any way questions their orderly obsessive rigid rituals anyone who interrupts them or anyone who lives in a way that's not consistent with the way they want to live now if you work with a narcissist this sort of obsessive order and control can make things very very inefficient they can get so lost in details and things being a certain way that the job often doesn't get done they're just too caught up in the details and it's often that they only will see things their way when they will not account for any other perspectives even when that's bad for the bottom line if you grew up this way with this kind of rigid order around you it was likely an entire childhood spent walking on eggshells it was as though the random messiness of childhood and listen kids are messy it's being a kid it wasn't permissible and narcissistic parents aren't very good at creating kid- centered spaces anyhow children often become one more accessory in the narcissistic parents home and the problem is is that kids just don't sit nicely on a shelf until you want to show them off that's that's often why narcissist can do really well with babies who are like accessories the minute that little kid starts walking around making a little bit of a fuss the narcissistic parents out of their game in an intimate relationship it can be stifling in a way it can be again back to this idea of being in a relationship with an infant because the narcissistic personality has so many needs and the timings and everything has to be just so but here's the deal you did actually see these patterns from the jump from the beginning of the relationship the meals had to be just so or ordered just so their work time had to be just so the stuff around the house had to be just so when you see this it's a red flag you need to pay attention to if you move into their space for example or you start sharing their space you can see that they end up being not only a bit mean about how things are kept in the house but also miserly about sharing drawers and closet space and the like and pay attention I can promise you this pattern is is not going to go away you may actually find your own life sliding into more disorder because you're burning yourself out trying to cater to The Narcissist need for order this also links to the to the idea that the narcissist views other people as objects and conveniences so if your schedule doesn't work with theirs they will look at you quite quizzically because think about it if you really Wen an object like a laptop or a pile of posits then you're no different than those things you're no different than a coffee maker a coffee maker exists to do one thing make coffee coffee maker doesn't have other needs you exist to do one thing you exist to do one thing in their world fulfill their needs beyond that any other inconvenience you bring to the table is a real problem for them it would be like the coffee maker saying hey can't we watch Netflix together there's another personality pattern that has a far different flare than narcissistic personality called obsessive compulsive personality now this is very different than traditional obsessive compulsive disorder which is more of sort of an anxiety-based disorder characterized by rituals and obsessive thoughts that's a very different issue obsessive compulsive personality is character characterized by interpersonal rigidity an obsession with order an obsession with rules morality regulations self-righteousness and in essence really kind of also being a workaholic these are folks who will reject people and human relationships in favor of getting things done and working all the time and getting things done the way they want them done and they won't budge there can be a fair amount of overlap between this obsess Ive compulsive personality style and narcissism and especially in very controlling narcissists you can see this rigid obsession with work and schedules and control overlapping with a lack of empathy with entitlement and arrogance it makes for a very uncomfortable unpleasant form of narcissism when it's cut through with this rigid obsession with control and order now for those of you who have been in been stuck in this type of a relationship I would love to hear more what it's been like to be in one of these rigid relationships now frankly anyone anyone who has ever gone through a divorce where the narcissist in your divorce was more obsessed with what is owed to them what is due to them what is fair and what is just to them they are actually willing to give more money up to the attorneys just so you can have it you folks get this very well listen And as always you're not going to be the one to end this cycle they're terrifyingly organiz organized cabinets their rigid schedules it may all seem very productive and nice and orderly but when schedules and Order are chosen above empathy kindness and other people it just isn't healthy and as a final note another place where you can also see this kind of rigid obsess obsessive order it's not just the I need to have my perfectly brewed tea at perfectly 10 a.m. no matter what that kind of thing you also see it around money they'll be very very very rigid about anything related to money and actually an interesting Trope of this kind of a character if any of you ever saw the devil wees Prada the boss in that story you saw a lot of that rigid order the book and the this and the meal and the coffee and then this really cruel almost rejection of anyone who's even trying to help and maintain these these really Disturbed schedules the great kind of a cinematic Trope for how that that looks if you've if you've endured this drop drop a comment because I think when you have you really know what this feels like and it feels absolutely awful and you do feel no matter what even if you put the tea on the table at the right time the handle wasn't oriented the right way as always with a narcissist It's never enough and since you are no different to them than the coffee maker in their life be prepared that any demand you make is always going to be a problem for them especially if it punctures their precious little schedules and order so this relates to a consistent question I get from people all the time via the comments or emails or whatever is do a narcissist know do narcissists know that they're narcissistic or difficult and maybe even more important is is the question of do narcissists really know how insecure they are cuz clearly this person's insecure do they know the answer to that is is remember that shame ra rage spiral I talk about so often narcissistic people aren't demented or frankly delusional they are able to see that there are consequences to their behavior and they know that their behavior at times is not a good look but their impulsivity and their entitlement in some ways means that they cannot stop themselves and don't think they should have to it's as though they will burst if they don't get their nonsense out it's that tension reduction I talked about so they know that over time their behavior is kind of causing a problem but they will rationalize their behavior justify their behavior explain it defend it but yeah in a tiny corner of their brains they know what they're doing is probably not a good thing and sometimes in therapy if they're in therapy they may even admit that they can't stop themselves it's too uncomfortable they just need to get it out and they know it sounds silly if they actually spoke their truth which would be why can't everyone just let me get away with what I have to say I don't really mean it and I just need to let it out I think that everyone is out to get me when they don't let me and life is so unfair to me and I do always know what's best why can't everything just be my way and let me have my tantrum they can't say say that and they know it but that's what's happening so there's an inflection point in every narcissistic relationship it's the point when they see that you get it it's a subtle dance it's something that that's happening just under the radar it's almost imperceptible you aren't taking the bait as much you aren't letting the gaslighting get to you as much you're gray rocking a little more you're not defending you're not explaining you may even be holding yourself a tiny bit taller cuz now you get it maybe you aren't putting yourself down as much or getting as anxious when they say they will cut bait and leave or maybe we need to get a divorce or when they throw their passive aggressive stuff at you interestingly at this phase of the relationship it becomes even more miserable and the narcissistic person will act out even more it's as though you have peered into their insecurity and fig figured out their game and they don't like that when people start to gray rock you can almost graph it it looks like a roller coaster The Narcissist rage will increase for a while they aren't getting the same fights out of you the bait isn't working remember they need you to take the bait and behave in an unhinged way so then they can say oo somebody's all worked up and they can feel better about themselves so they start getting meaner up up up the roller coaster poter they start insulting your friends or family they start going after things about yourself that they know are triggers for you they may make fun of your job they may make fun of your cooking it starts getting more and more toxic you didn't think it was possible but it is but if you could stand your ground and not break get to the top of that roller coaster The Narcissist will actually start to deflate in some cases they'll get bored but they'll deflate however on your way to this destination top of the roller coaster is a world of abuse anger and rage so if you thought it was bad before so when you finally start to get it somehow they sense it for all of their lack of empathy people with narcissistic personalities are tremendously attuned to their worlds but from a very to the world around them but from a very egocentric perspective they're always monitoring for threats they're always looking for that person who looks at them the wrong way they don't believe that they're ever showed the respect they believe they deserve they feel like they don't get enough validation for all their greatness they notice the shifts and they notice that people are on to them there is a point for every narcissistic person when they recognize that they have gone a bridge too far that they really really pushed a person to the breaking point and that other person they push finally shuts down this can actually be quite impactful if it happens for example at work or with a lower Stakes person the narcissistic people takes the people closest to them like family and partners for granted so they may not notice it there but the idea that someone out there in their world like their work world or something doesn't think well of them actually really activates their shame once they recognize that people are starting to see it and are starting to kind of walk around the narcissist as though the narcissist is unhinged that in essence they sort of feel like they're being kind of handled by other people they don't like it because it again it activates shame but now they're in a catch 22 because at some level they kind of know they're unhinged so it's a big strange Circle and at that point you if you're in a relationship with them may slowly work your way to indifference once you have the road map for narcissism and I'll be frank with you that road map is the reason for me even starting this Channel I want to show you every subtle pattern there is so you can detect it so you can consider Dr Romney's YouTube channel as like narcissism GPS because then the pattern makes sense you face the hard work of breaking your internal cycles of trauma bonding Etc but once you see it you start walking a much bigger C circle around them and they start to say like oh they see they may have a wide range of behavior when you start walking that bigger Circle and go between rage and trying to show you that they can keep it together and aren't and try to show you I'm actually a nice person they may go to insults to passive aggression the narcissistic relationship is all about control controlling the image of the relationship to the world controlling the people in the relation relationship controlling the narrative and controlling the narcissistic Supply control control control so once you understand what's happening they want to control you even more and they will not let you throw off their controlling ship because they want to control the narrative and yet once you understand it their destabilization will mean that they can't get the control back and now they're going to rage even more there's no getting away from the rage you may be thinking if is there a way for me to understand it without them losing it losing it around me all the time probably not you will either get bored of this relationship and leave or if you can't leave you just might make the relationship what we call very perfunctory and mechanical or you'll hope that they leave or you hope that they'll have a place to go to whenever they tantrum because you're not going to listen to it at some point your presence is going to be such a shame activator that they will either try to destroy you with their Rage or they may leave and run away because your presence is too shame inducing for them neither of those outcomes are going to feel pretty good especially if you're not sure you want this relationship to end yeah I get it you might think I shouldn't want it to you may not want it to end you may also wonder is there a way for you to understand this and for them to not understand that you understand it probably not again you're subtle behavioral shifts are going to be noticed it's frustrating and demoralizing because they didn't notice you when you were crying or didn't notice that you when you were actually trying to get them to notice you but you make a tiny shift in narcissistic Supply you give them and they notice it getting narcissism understanding narcissism is tricky and your partner will likely pathologize you for the change they'll say things like oh you've changed you're cold you're weird it seems like you're getting a little bit less socially skilled in your old age on and on and on they'll pathologize you for understanding them so the very thing that will set you free actually understanding their narcissism can make your life miserable for a while in the long term it's a win but in the short Sprint be aware that it will be unpleasant so you can at least prepare so for to just think about this getting it understanding narcissism once you get it you might feel like ha I have the keys to the kingdom I get this but as your behavior shifts the narcissistic person you're in a relationship is going to notice it whether it's a family member whether it's a partner whether it's someone you work with they're going to notice it in many many cases and that might mean that they're uncomfortable because what really was the power they held and you know it was a power the held because you didn't understand what was going on you were upside down with the gaslighting and the manipulation now you get it you see it there's actually a strange calm and serenity that will come over you cuz you get it right it's almost like ah this is how you do the trick and now it's not even interesting anymore but they'll notice that shift and recognize they can no longer dominate overpower you confuse you then they've lost their power and they get frustrated and that frustration is something you will experience as rage like I said in the long term it's healthier for you to get it for no other reason so that you stop blaming yourself and personalizing it and that's your work to do to not blame yourself it's not your fault it's it's just that once you get it you should of unlocked the code and this rather quiet manipulative way they kept you under their thumb you've kind of lifted it in a way it can feel very unsatisfying as a relationship at this point but at least you're not living in a place we are constantly invalidated confused and don't know which way is up I hope that helps thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

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Id: zV9RiabYJCc

Length: 43min 22sec (2602 seconds)

Published: Wed May 08 2024