Defending SOMEONE ELSE against the narcissist

hi everyone it's Dr romeny welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism and narcissistic relationships healing from narcissistic relationships and just navigating these relationships so have you had this experience you know you know you're not supposed to defend yourself to the narcissistic person but you might be wondering what about defending someone else against The Narcissist now you know well that one of my disconnection techniques is this idea of don't go deep don't defend don't explain don't engage and don't personalize it's a way to not get into the mud with the narcissistic person it's sort of a Gateway into a gray Rocky low contact kind of space and it cuts down the unnecessary noise and clutter of communicating with a narcissistic person this piece that some people get stuck on is the don't defend peace because for some people it's they say that feels like more subjugation I don't want to roll over and play dead when the narcissistic person or anyone is doubting my reality so you want to defend yourself and I get that so let's break that down for a minute because I do believe that's important in and of itself don't defend it's not a mandate you want to defend yourself then defend yourself but the only way to do that is to fully understand gas gaslighting understand when your reality is being denied and when they attempt to dismantle you and tell you that there's something wrong with you to to that you you want to hold your you know that and you need to know this so you can hold your ground in these narcissistic relationships you can defend as it were you also need to know if the relationship is sort of physically safe is this a person who will escalate to violence if you were to hold your ground and not succumb to the gaslighting because in some cases people have learned that if you go one step too far with some narcissistic folks it gets scary or dangerous if you find that conflict unsettles you and leaves you feeling sick for days then you need to know that about yourself before you get into defending yourself and finally you need to be prepared that if you do defend yourself that the narcissist person may actually leave the relationship or end it and so if that is not an end game that you want right now then that abandonment card is a card that they're going to play to get their way winning for them takes all precedence some folks say that they feel more whole if they defend themselves even if it results in devastating Arguments for each individual person healing is different you have to do do what works for yourself healing is trusting yourself but the vast majority of survivors of these relationships find it very difficult to get into these endless arguments with narcissistic people who are often better equipped to argue than most other people are they want to win so a fight plays on their strengths on average most people in these relationships give in sometimes for no other reason than to maintain relationship maintain the attachment sometimes for fear confusion or genuinely believing that you are the one to blame then when you account for the unsettling feeling that conflict and anger and rage bring up for you fears of Abandonment fand fears of Abandonment might bring up for you most people don't defend themselves in narcissistic relationships but that takes us to what this video is really about which is other people people that starts to feel like a different conversation many people will say I gave up defending myself in this relationship a long time ago but for example when maybe your narcissistic parent started saying unkind things or being manipulative with your child you might have jumped in and started defending the child or you might have taken on the toxic boss when they're going after your staff or maybe you took on a partner when that partner was saying cruel things about your friends so the defending might have kicked in when it was for someone else and that's not at all surprising since so many survivors that feel that while you aren't going to take the fight for yourselves that your true north kicks in and you do defend someone else against the narcissistic person it tends to have the same effect the narcissistic person will Gaslight and rage and passive aggress and issue those threats of Abandonment but somehow the once removed nature of it creates a different sensation for the person in the relationship so whomever you are defending the narcissistic person is going to engage in their usual tricks against your defending and pushing back but it may feel different for you you may think especially when it's about your own children hell no we are not duplicating these Cycles again and there is a dividend here by taking the fight for someone else something shifts in you you may still remain disengaged but by defending that other person you might feel a little stronger within yourself and in a better position to engage differently with the narcissistic person in other ways as well classically survivors of these relationships do more for others than for themselves so protecting someone else may come more naturally and be an opportunity to have that individuated and self-affirming experience with the narcissistic person when it is for someone else many people have said I could not find my voice with the narcissistic person on my own but when it came time to do it for someone else I was able to and perhaps those gifts you have such as empathy they end up doing well by you because your empathy for someone who is suffering in the relationship or being harmed by the narcissistic person may pull you into action again that is not to say that the narcissistic person's Behavior will change that's not going to happen but yours might shift that same discomfort that comes from being gaslighted and raged at and all the rest of it that will be there but it may feel different so you change they don't and you may have also modeled important behavior for another person who saw that they themselves were worthy of Defending so many of us who have been through these narcissistic relationships have never had that experience and never did have someone step up and take on the narcissistic person to defend us or protect us to do so for someone else can be emboldening for you and transformative for the person that you are protecting same rules as always assess the situation and I am sure you know it well enough to be sure you and others are safe but more often than not the narcissistic person uses their destabilizing bully pul pulpit to keep everyone in line sometimes being an advocate for someone else is how we find our own voice remember whether you defend or engage or explain that's a choice healing is about making those choices for yourself but if you have to stay in the relationship and don't want the daily fights not doing that as much can save you the time but sometimes you may get into the scrum so you feel like you haven't given up on yourself entirely and the wi there is for you if you were to defend or engage or explain you know that the conversation is going to be the usual word salid disaster doesn't matter what they think but if anything can shift the needle for you in the right direction it's worth it thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 19,332

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Id: Q7yK0zWwQl8

Length: 9min 5sec (545 seconds)

Published: Thu May 09 2024