The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle

hey guys welcome back to my channel my name is Stephanie I'm a life and relationship coach this week I want to talk about the different stages of narcissistic abuse if you're watching this video chances are you're either in a relationship got out of a relationship with someone who is possibly narcissistic I think the only way you can truly truly understand all these different stages as when you go through those stages and then you come out and you're like okay none of that was okay none of that was healthy and the only reason why you even have that Epiphany is because you've received a lot of pain wouldn't it be so nice if girl growing up we took the class of unhealthy toxic relationships 101 and we learned these different stages I know for me I definitely would have avoided a lot of relationships growing up but I got to be honest even if I knew this information if I had not worked on myself and healed some of the things from my past that had nothing to do with this person I probably still would have made the same mistakes because you can't really avoid something and not be attracted to something if you're still un healed that's why I'm always telling you guys so much look you can learn all this information you can read every article listen to the broadcast watch the videos learn everything learn all the terminology but if you do not work on healing yourself none of this is going yeah you might be able to spot something but guess what you're still going to dive into that relationship because you're wounded when you think about narcissistic abuse there are definitely certain key terms that we have learned along the way so we can understand relationships and understand toxic ones the first one is going to be the love bombing phase I like to call this the targeting stage this is where I'm targeting you specifically because you are the person that I want to abuse down the road you're the key traits of someone that they are targeting someone who is vulnerable someone who is sad someone who is lonely someone who is unhappy someone who is going through something so once they've kind of identified those key things about you now they're going to start learning more about you in terms of your interests and the things that you want in order to feel better about yourself they understand very clearly that you are not a person that is going to be able to give yourself the things that you need in order to feel okay so what they want to do is they want to learn everything about you in order to be able to give you the things that you want so you will trust them at this stage it's all about gaining trust so I know you're thinking you're like okay well if I'm just dating someone or getting to know someone then how can I even tell the difference between someone who's healthy and just trying to like gain my trust get to know me like you know want know my likes my dislikes my past all those things that won't use that against me later on there's going to be one key thing love bombing love bombing is over the top when you are healthy and you are dating you are not looking for grand gestures you're not looking to hear the word soulmate you're not looking for someone to know everything about you but never about themselves like you will never get a vulnerable able conversation out of someone who's narcissistic you will never get this person telling you all of their traumas all of the things that have happened to them in their past why they are the way they are the things that they're working on within themselves their fears their insecurities you're not having that conversation instead you're having conversations where you're being vulnerable and you think this person really cares about you but you're not getting that person exposing themselves and showing you their vulnerabilities as well now you might be dating someone who's more of a cover and maybe they can play a character really well maybe they're actually the victim maybe they can show vulnerability but they're showing vulnerability in a victim way they're not showing vulnerability in a way where they can acknowledge the things that they've been through in their past the pain what they've had to overcome like you're not getting that kind of accountability and ownership you're getting a victim so the targeting stage is all about the love bombing it's all about studying you it's all about you being vulnerable with them but them not being vulnerable with you this person is targeting someone who is sad lonely uh doesn't seem as confident there's some kind of lack within this person that they can spot a mile away that's why it's so important for you to be healthy so you are not a person that's even attractive to this type of personality the next stage is going to be the Friendship stage for me this is where you really start kind of like building that trust they want to make you feel special and they are really good at understanding you in a way that you feel no one else has ever understood you before but remember what I just said because that right there is your wound that means that you've experienced trauma abandonment and you've experienced those things prior to this relationship so because you have experienced those things and you still have that wound inside of you you are craving someone to finally see you this person wants to be the person that saves you because if they save you and they're not doing this from like a a loving caring way where hey look I'm going to give you everything that you need because that's what you deserve I'm going to give you everything that you need so you can trust me so later on I can abuse you and I know what you're thinking you're like oh my God this is so confusing because H how can I possibly trust anyone the only way you can really trust a person is by the consistent pattern that they show because after a while of the love bombing of the Friendship stage of the targeting stage of all of these amazing things at some point they are going to slip they're going to start showing themselves to you will you be able to spot it and will you be able to believe it most people don't want to believe it they don't want to believe it because fear lack insecurity they're getting things from this person they're having cognitive dissonance where they're kind of like comparing this new person and and how you're treating me to the way you used to treat me and they want to get back to that and look when you love and trust someone it is not you're not going to just say okay I'm seeing some things that I don't like and now I'm divorcing you like no you're not going to do that but you are going to be very aware of what the consistent patterns are and you're more than willing to start holding this person accountable when you are not aware of the consistent patterns when you're not there's no measure that you're measuring this this person or this relationship on and this is this is the case for relationships in general and no matter how long the relationship lasts or is so let's say you're in relationship with someone for like 20 years you mean to tell me at year 18 that you're just going to accept bad behavior and you're not going to stand up for yourself like no you are always responsible for advocating for yourself in terms of what it is that you want you have to have standards and you have to have boundaries and you have to be able to enforce those standards and boundaries if you are not capable of doing that then you are going to be susceptible to someone taking advantage of you and this may not necessarily even be someone who's narcissistic it could just be someone that like isn't even aware that they're starting to take advantage of you so you have to learn how to take care of yourself you have to learn how to heal this is so this is this goes beyond just learning different stages of a relationship this is all about you working on you when you're in the last kind of like stage of narcissistic abuse where you're in the love and relationship phase where this is now okay we're boyfriend and girlfriend we're engaged we're getting married like we're serious we're living together they like so that means that there is a significant amount of trust that you have in this person and they know this and so now they're going to start influencing you in toxic ways so it could be that they introduce you to drugs or alcohol or they promote you in certain ways and advocate for you like meaning like they're your cheerleader but then they don't want you to go too far they don't want you to be too successful because that intimidates them and makes them feel bad about themselves so they try to shrink you down it's important in this stage to kind of monitor the friendship that you have with this person we're talking about the ability to have a relationship with another person and what that should actually look like that's like the big thing because if you are still carrying around Trauma from the past if you still have all of this baggage then you are looking for you are very codependent and you are going to be looking for things from this person that they shouldn't be giving you and the more you still need that and crave that the more you become dependent on this person and the more that what they have to say holds more weight than how you feel about yourself you don't even know how you feel about yourself cuz you've completely lost yourself the abuse is psychological this is where they're going to lie this is where they're going to manipulate you a lot to get what they want out of you they're going to make you feel guilty they're going to shame you they're just going to make you feel bad about yourself the key here to understand is at this point in the game the only way that they can't abuse you in these these ways is when you've been hooked so you've already been hooked you've gone through the targeting phase you've gone through the Friendship phase like you have been groomed like no one has been groomed you already had all of these wounds and codependency and insecurities even prior to this relationship and because of that you were a you allowed the targeting the Friendship the love bombing you allowed all of those things to happen because you were looking for something outside of yourself you were looking for someone to really see you and love you and valid you you looking for someone to give you all the things that you're not giving yourself Point Blank now because of this you're able to receive abuse so because you allow all those things and you're not allowing this consciously you're not like yes keep doing this to me you're just addicted to it you're trauma bonded you're addicted to the negativity to the drama you don't have enough confidence within yourself to kind of like overcome this there's two things that happen either you were going to I immediately thought of Tina Turner immediately just she just popped in my head perfect example of a woman who took a lot of abuse for a lot of years and for whatever reason there was this one point where she said I'm done you have to hit enough abuse you have to hit enough pain where you say I'm done or you could start to learn more and more about a situation there there just there has to be a point whether you learn something or whether you just feel something like a significant amount of pain where you say this absolutely has to stop and sometimes it takes vide like this for you to be able to kind of like self-reflect and remember you saying okay I'm done okay this isn't going to happen anymore okay I'm over this I have to leave or or I have to break up with this person this is not something that you just like boom you do right now right you can't just say Okay I want to lose 20bs and go to the gym once and the 20 PBS are gone God I wish that was the case just kidding but it is about just having more it's about educating yourself and it's about working on yourself because if you're working on yourself then you're you're going to have the strength to be able to leave a relationship to be able to have the things that you want to find a better partner to manifest to do all of the things that you really want to do to have the life that you know you want to have because you deserve it thank you guys so much for watching this week's video I hope it helped I hope it inspired you I hope it gave you information I hope it motivated you I hope it did all the things that you wanted it to do for you thanks so much for joining me links are down below to everything social courses we are doing 20% off right now all of my courses I link all of them down below uh if you're interested and you have them for as long as you want people ask me that all the time is there an expiration date nope there's absolutely not you can go as slow a pace as you need uh we are going to be creating a app soon which I am so excited about so be on the lookout for that we're going to have a great community on there like this is the stuff that I am so excited about because I cannot wait to be able to have that kind of access to you guys to really just help you throughout whatever it is that you're going through hope you guys are well I'll see you in the next video take care

Channel: Stephanie Lyn Coaching

Views: 6,572

Keywords: Narcissism, Narcissist personality disorder, Married to a narcissist, Healing from narcissist abuse, Divorcing a narcissist

Id: Tc5fAx1AS9Q

Length: 11min 59sec (719 seconds)

Published: Sat May 04 2024