Control Your Emotions! Toxic people LOVE your Reaction

hey guys welcome back thanks for joining me for another video so this week we're going to get into controlling your emotions this is huge it's probably one of the biggest topics that I enjoy talking about and that you guys really love when I do talk about because it's hard to do and it's really important that we learn how to do it because there are people in our lives that are unfortunately a little toxic a little unhealthy very reactive maybe we ourselves are those people at times and so learning how to control your emotional state is really fundamental when you're learning personal development so number one when you learn how to control your emotions then that means that you're no longer reactive to situations and circumstances and people saying things or doing things that are frustrating you or bother you or really make you angry so this means that those outside things no longer have control over how you react and how you respond so your energy is not going to change drastically by things not going your way or someone's saying something that could be a little hurtful let me just really emphasize this this is something that is not easy to do because you have not practiced this so when people come to me and they're like yeah easier said than done yeah it's really really hard to do that well yeah duh it is hard to do it because you've never practiced doing it it's not something that you've been super mindful in your interactions with other people to have more control over yourself and really being non-reactive and having control over your emotional state is something that you consciously practice and you take full responsibility for how you feel so when the anger comes up when the frustration comes up when the annoyance comes up that is all your stuff and when you fully own it then you don't really share it with someone else you kind of hold on to it you go off to the side you handle yourself you parent yourself you do what you need to do in order to deal with that frustration that sadness that anger that disappointment whatever but you don't become reactive you don't allow those emotions to really take over so that's like the key thing that you want to remember being able to do that in every situation for the rest of your life is not that's not it's not going to happen but this is about learning how to do it that way when those things start to come up you can really be aware of them that way you know what to do with them when you spot them it's even more especially easier to do this when you know the person in front of you I think when you can really understand the toxic person in front of you that you're having to deal with then it becomes even easier because you'll expect these things you'll expect that hey I'm going to get frustrated by you hey I'm going to get angry by you hey you're going to say something that's really going to hurt me and so when you kind of know your audience and you know the person in front of you and you know what they like to kind of throw at you to really get under your skin then you can really almost like brace yourself for the fact that yep that energy is going to come up yep that frustration is going to come up but it's about owning it it's not about putting it on the other person and making them responsible for it now the other reason why this is extremely important to learn how to do this is because if you are dealing with someone who is toxic who is unhealthy they're controlling you so when your emotional state changes that is that person having that emotional control over you so when a toxic person sees that what they're doing is affecting you they're just going to keep doing it so the goal and I you know everyone has their own opinion I don't know if these people are actually some probably 100 percent are going to be very conscious to the fact that they know that it annoys you and they know what to throw at you in order to kind of get a rise out of you but some people don't they're not consciously aware of it but they're going to keep doing it because that becomes their program it's it's in the back of their mind that they know unconsciously subconsciously that when I do this this happens or when I do this I end up getting my way or when I do this she starts to change or he starts to change so and really all that's doing for that toxic person is just feeding their ego that I matter that that's literally the only thing it's that I matter because I'm able to change your emotional state I'm I'm madder because I get to change how you actually feel about yourself so when we no longer give that person that kind of power then we do have control over our emotional state we do have control over how we feel about ourselves and that our self-esteem is not dictated by something going right or this person behaving the way that I want them to because when we come from those spaces that's really our ego is while talking when a toxic person or an unhealthy person sees that what they're doing is affecting you you basically just become another source of Supply you are negative Supply but you're still Supply and so for someone who comes from such a deep sense of self and self-esteem this is great the more that I can feel that I matter in all of these situations whether they're good situations or bad situations that just fills up my tank in some way okay so I matter at my jaw because I do really well and I get recognition and I get a high off of that and then I matter by getting into this argument with you and you keep going back and forth with me and see look I'm I'm altering how you came into this conversation completely calm and now look at you you're erratic and you're actually the problem so when this toxic person is able to get these highs off of all these extensions in life you're just another extension you're just another thing that this person will go to their emotional punching bag whatever you want to call it for them to get something from you that they need in order to feel important I also want to mention because I think this is really important is that this isn't about not feeling so people come to me often they're like hey Steph like I don't you know I'm getting frustrated by this person like what's what's going on with me there is nothing going on with you it's called you're human and you do have an ego and you do have a wounded part of yourself and I think most people don't really live really the enlightened conscious lives where they just are constantly Rising above everything I think for us normal folk like that's not really going to happen but this is not about not feeling frustrated by someone saying something to you or not getting upset and I know a lot of people say well I don't want to get upset well you're human so it is a normal response and reaction to want to get upset based on someone doing something that's not okay that's unhealthy that's hurtful so that's not what this is about this is about learning how to control that a little bit better and not being reactive to it not making this person in front of you who is hurting you responsible for taking accountability or responsibility for that thing that they're doing that hurts you and you're not looking to this person to actually apologize see your side of the story so when you come from those spaces you're really now swimming in that little dysfunctional pool because you're taking what the person's doing very personally and your ego or that part of you needs this person to like validate and then soothe you in order for you to be okay so when you fully own your emotions you don't need this person to do any of those things because I'm owning this I'm going to take full responsibility for it I'm not going to be reactive to it I'm just going to see it it is about having more control and real self-mastery over yourself to not let all of these outside things kind of throw you off course because none of what is going on outside of you really has anything to do with you so controlling your emotional state is about two things it's going to be about you owning those emotions and not letting them get too magnified and taking responsibility for them and saying you know what I'm just going to put them off to the side for a minute I'm gonna deal with that but I can't deal with it right now because I don't I don't want you the toxic person to see that that's is my responsibility that's private that's these feelings are mine and so I'm going to deal with them myself whether that is with a therapist or by yourself and learning how to parent yourself but this is my stuff you're not going to see that so I'm going to just act accordingly and act in um a healthy way when I'm engaging with you and set those boundaries and set those limits and have control over myself and then this stuff frustration sadness disappointment anger Etc I'm going to deal with that later on when you leave the point is learning just how to control your emotional state long enough that you can then sort out how you feel at another time and place that makes sense that's healthy that's that allows you to just be in a comfortable safe space where you can fully Express all of the anger all the frustration all the hurt all the disappointment whatever that is for you with someone that is safe that you can trust that you can confide in whether again that's a coach or therapist or friend or what have you or if you can just do it by yourself you don't always need to do this process with someone else you can most certainly do it by yourself so when you start controlling your emotions one of the first things and I think I mentioned this a little earlier but one of the first things is going to be you being able to spot the emotion so when people say oh wow this is really hard okay Steph yep easier said than done the reason why it is is just because you're not really living like a more conscious self-aware mindful life so if you start practicing being mindful that means that I'm going to observe throughout the day or especially when you know you're going to have an interaction with someone that upsets you that has a tendency to trigger you then you're going to be even more heightened and More self-aware in those moments when you are dealing with that person so when you can begin to kind of like turn that light switch on of saying okay I'm going to be super aware of myself for the next hour for the day for this interaction with this person then you begin to significantly improve your mental health because one of the reasons why we are reactive we are not mentally healthy is because when we feel something we're not aware of it we're just very asleep we allow those wounds we allow those insecurities we allow that ego we allow the anger and the sadness and the frustration just to kind of stay with us they take over our lives or they at least stay with us for a long period of time so remember this is not about not feeling emotions but it is about learning when to unload them the right time and place versus always unloading them as you feel them so every single time I feel something if I'm just unloading everything that's not healthy and I'm not taking responsibility for it I'm unloading it meaning I'm unloading it on you I'm unloading it on her I'm unloading it on life and I'm giving it to to someone else to make them responsible for it so unloading your emotions with a toxic person in front of you is never going to be a good idea when you start unpacking everything in front of this toxic person making them everything your thoughts your feelings how disappointed you are then you're thinking on some level that this person is going to take accountability or responsibility and you're thinking on some level that this person actually cares and when you're dealing with someone who's very unhealthy you know borderline or possibly narcissistic or you know psychopath or sociopath um this person doesn't this person does not care and it's so important to recognize that because if they did care then they would care how they are making you feel they are not going to care that you're upset by what they did they are not going to care that the way they treated you was hurtful they don't really care that you're sad and disappointed by something that they did or something that they said to you you're essentially looking for this person to almost like feel empathy and show fault show that you know what I'm the one that made the mistake and it's just not going to happen just being able to spot that you are in a high emotional state should immediately trigger okay here we go I'm here and the minute you do that you bring an enormous amount of self-awareness into your life into that situation and experience and that allows you to go okay I'm gonna own this because the all of these things that we talk about when I say that they're practices what I mean is I mean clearly it is a practice but I want you to really like break this down in very simplistic terms if you're trying if the goal is I want to learn how to be non-reactive with this person I always say like start off with something very you know small meaning not small but very specific if it's just this person your mother your father your husband your ex-husband your ex-girlfriend your your toxic friend whatever whoever it is pick one person that you are going to practice being non-reactive to meaning no matter what they do no matter what they say you're going to spot the emotion and then you're going to fully own it so the minute it happens that's where you immediately put up that brick wall like okay I'm getting angry boom brick wall it doesn't mean that you're going to stop talking to them give them the silent treatment that's not what the brick wall is about but the brick wall means that anything else that I feel is not going to go to you it's going to just stay here and I'm going to own it being reactive is literally just a habit so the reason why it's hard is because you're in a habit of doing it and it all stems from wanting the person in front of you to change wanting the person in front of you to take responsibility the person in front of you needs to own this and needs to do something better needs to do something different in order for me to feel okay you are always going to be unhealthy unhappy when everything in life needs to look and feel the way you want it to in order for you to be okay so I hope this video has helped you learn how to kind of control your emotions a little bit better I hope it gave you some insight if you're interested in working with me I always link everything down below I am running a master class in the beginning of every month if you are interested in starting your own coaching practice I would love to coach you through that process we're doing everything from marketing to social media to branding to becoming a coach active listening it's going to be amazing and I'm so excited to be doing this with you guys so if you're interested I will link that down below as well and I will see you next week

Channel: Stephanie Lyn Coaching

Views: 75,893

Keywords: narcissisticabuse, narcissist, narcissism, selflove, mentalhealth, emotionalabuse, codependency, goalsetting, motivation, law of attraction, respond dont react with a narcissist, respond dont react, overly emotional, control your emotions, dealing with toxic people, how to respond to a toxic person, self mastery, control your emotions motivation, control your emotions discipline your mind, stop overreacting

Id: FsXOJjU0rcs

Length: 14min 53sec (893 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 27 2022