Narcissists & Splitting

hey everyone it's Dr Romy sometimes I'm answering your questions and one of the questions we got in was actually a very very good one because not everyone fully understands the phenomenon but once I put it into not this word but actually regular words you're like oh yeah that happens to me too which is this idea of people who are narcissistic and how they engage in something called splitting so you may wonder what is splitting in something you're very familiar with if you have ever been in a narcissistic relationship it is seeing someone either as all good or seeing them is all bad there's no version of gray in there so that's probably the most common version of this so an example would be you are in a relationship with somebody who's narcissistic and there's times they say oh my gosh you are the best you are the very best I oh my gosh you are so fantastic you're like pumped up feeling good and then one day you do one thing wrong something they don't like and now you're the worst it is a it is a it's a Hallmark characteristic because again when you think about what narcissism is about they're not able to see people as whole human beings you're only measured by the utility you have to them so if you are doing and saying what they want and they're feeling well supplied and regulated things are going their way they're having a good day you're going to be part of that all good thing in fact I was I gave this example to a group recently and they really resonated with it we were talking about a situation where the narcissistic person and you go out to dinner and you get to the restaurant and the person seating people says you know what we had this weird thing happened actually our best table the people didn't show up at the last minute so we're actually going to give that to you and has a beautiful view of the city or the ocean they sit you there and then you're sit sitting there and they say you know what like we usually give the person who has this table a free bottle of champagne so here's your free champagne so now they're getting free champagne and you're having your dinner it's a perfect night you have the perfect view you they even get a compliment you're told by another couple across or another people across the restaurant you're such a gorgeous couple and in the middle of that dinner they look at you they hold your hands and say baby I love you so much like oh this is sort of like an exciting night but that whole night the perfect table the champagne the this the that the I love it's not so much I love you it's I love how all of this feels and you just happen to be playing a role on that night so on that night you are perfect because the night was perfect you might get a little bit cocky thinking like ohoo this is actually a healthy relationship and then a few days later something you say to them you might be disappointed with something they do or let down by them and you let them no you're the worst and you're thinking that's splitting okay now splitting can also involve multiple people so let's say I don't know you are in a family there's three siblings and maybe a par narcissistic parent will have the good sibling and the bad sibling but if something should change and good sibling isn't doing what parent wants those roles repeat each child isn't seen as Unique Individuals it's who sort of how are people serving people and then the the narcissistic parent creates an interesting sort of structure by letting you know that there's sort of like being the good one and then you get to be in the good position you'll see this for example if a we see this sometimes with clinical um patients we're working with clinical settings they have let's say a psychologist and a psychiatrist or a psychologist and a social worker on any given day they will say for example let's say it's a psychologist and a social worker they might tell the social worker like I really don't like Dr romeny blah blah blah sort of cast shade on the psychologist and say I'm so lucky I get to work with you you're so amazing this is why mental health practitioners have to be well trained because it would be very tempting sometimes to get pulled into that and thinking you're all that are better than psychologist M give it a matter of time it's going to flip so narcissistic people split again not only because of the not being able to see people in a whole way it's also partly a regulation thing it's life's easier when things are all black or all white right right so there's it's sort of it that there's that piece of it but then there also speaks to how narcissistic people are sort of stuck at a relatively infantile stage of development because this is actually how an infant views a mother or caregiver right the infant views the caregiver that responds to them as perfect and wonderful and smile and great and thank God you exist and then the caregiver that doesn't show up exactly when they want them to and who can is bad and as part of normal development the child integrates the parent who shows up the parent who doesn't show up into one person and healthy through his part of healthy development can even see the gray and understand that this is one person and they come sometimes and they can't always come but because they can't come doesn't mean they don't love me so that's splitting and it is why many people in narcissistic relationships are deeply confused because they'll say how is it that I was basically the Savior on Saturday and a disaster on Wednesday it's splitting and so when you experience it there's nothing you can do to fix it this is an interior process to somebody with any form of narcissistic antagonistic or really sort of developmentally sort of stuck personality style you have to understand when they're telling you you hung the moon you ain't all that and when they tell you you are the worst person who ever lived you're not that either that in a healthy relationship that they can see all of you together in one in in as one whole person they can't do that so the is to not take it seriously either way but it can be very destabilizing and this is why narcissistic people often or narcissistic relationships often feel like you're having multiple relationships at the same time because there's a good version of you that's having a relationship with them and the bad version you're you there are no different versions of you but the narcissistic person will experience them differently depending on how they're feeling inside that ain't your problem so that's really what splitting is very confusing very destabilizing and very frustrating but very common in narcissistic relationships thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 35,618

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Id: Ak9fqu0cIDU

Length: 6min 33sec (393 seconds)

Published: Sat May 04 2024