The Most Insane Batman Rip-Off

george clooney christian bale ben affleck robert patterson what do all of these men have in common well my girlfriend would leave me for any of them no oh and batman they also have batman in common why did you say a hero that's had many iterations some are bleak and edgy others are slapstick and comical the range is impressive some might say there's a little bit of something for everyone but even with all these iterations no one was ready for the rise of the black bat i suppose i should have expected that reaction the cheapest imagining of the cape crusader a real hero that can give bale a run for his money now please note mr copyright man this is not a breach because this is the black bat and this is batman two different things even though i'm almost 100 sure the producers just bought a batman mask online to make his outfit they are legally speaking two different entities and without doubt the black bat is the superior of the two you got a problem friend you've got the problem and i'm not your friend the rise of the bat opens exactly how you'd expect with two goons getting there come uppings pretty quiet huh yeah two goons that are as you see distinguished gentlemen we have la noire detective man and [ __ ] gangster notch they even managed to incorporate visual impairment into the plot because trench coat is legally bland losing his body after he steps a mere two inches to the left steve as if stepping out of frame sent him spiraling into a void you okay regardless something is out there but what is it is it a bird a plane or is it a down on his luck actor dressed as the poor man's batman ah it was the latter go figure this is our first look at the titular hero a complex man a fierce man a bat man his powers are identical to batman just without the wealth high tech gadgets and years of near superhuman level martial arts training so ironically he's more similar to say phoenix jones than any other real hero i'm felix jones i'm just like everyone else also i love the fact that he was literally just lying flat on a snowy floor when the thug walked past him absolutely no effort to make his appearance slightly believable but i mean hey start as you mean to go on here we get a monologue from the bat with some of these stankiest most moldy ass delivery you'll ever hear my name is anthony quinn and i'm the district attorney of this city my friends call me tony but there are some people in this city mostly disreputable people that know me by another name so he's an attorney his friends call him tony and he's caught up in a shootout with actual bots in a warehouse somewhere he hits us with the 90s so you might be wondering how i got here q comical record scratch now you might ask yourself why a well-respected district attorney would find himself in a situation like this well let's pause here and i can tell you the story hard cut to the title screen with a pan of an awful cgi city honestly ps1 graphics how the original spiderman had a more convincing city to top it off they even have the audacity to credit a screen and script writer on this movie i call [ __ ] these men are not real every line was conceived on the spot and recorded in one take there is no other way to explain the final product i have perfect night vision no one else in the world has that except for bats and creatures of the night at night in a dark alley we see a woman stopping for a smoke the perfect setup for a damsel in distress along come to conspicuous men which causes the smoking woman to walk away that is a smart idea but the producers literally forgot their own script and still have her standing there when the men walk over continuity was clearly not a priority while filming now she walks off to the left but i'm almost certain that they recorded her walking down the same alley they both came from the slippery git how did she manage that one she's pulling a dead by daylight loop trick on him the men slowly pursue her walking a snail's pace behind for a comically long amount of time [Music] it was like a scene right out of it follows terrifying eventually the woman's cornered and things are looking bad shortstack says something here but they've completely ripped out the audio and replaced it with music the levels of laziness in this movie are almost unbearable no reshoots or ad-libs here just blare loud music and pretend he's not meant to be talking wait actually is that going no neck ed well i'll be with all the commotion up rises the black bat [ __ ] nod in his head like yes i am about to beat you two ways to sunday fear me an intense fight breaks out portrayed through shadows cast on a brick wall very artsy this is like a robert eggers movie [Music] this fight eventually leads to a shootout martial arts really aren't the bat strong point instead he has to pull up with a gat and blaster fool a true american hero he saves the girl who runs away in fear of his terrifying appearance this segues into a [ __ ] otherworldly fever dream where the bat is i assume hanging upside down blowing a load all over his chin i suppose i should have expected that reaction this movie is cursed i did after all choose this persona in order to strike fear into the hearts of criminals i suppose it should be expected that my appearance would frighten the innocent as well we get more context on the bat's origin now where we discover why they never bothered to ad-lib i am now the black bat but once i was just tony quinn district attorney are you serious about having mr snape take the stand because they don't know how they don't understand how voices and mouth movements add up this movie was created by lizards trying to imitate humans you shouldn't have tried to get snake to take a stand there's another flashback to tony's early life as a district attorney and dear lord does this man look like an actual district attorney also what is happening with the timeline it began with a flash forward move to a flashback then there's a flashback to before the flashback it's the dumbest [ __ ] in said flashback uh back something bad is happening someone is coming for him they break into the house go upstairs and find tony's bed empty hello there who are you and what are you doing in my house easy if you lower the gun start talking okay you're in danger i came here to warn you nice try no it's true my name is kirby silk kirby who the hell named that man silk kirby was that the best name they could invent just shoot him honestly he deserves it for that name alone i heard that one of oliver snate's men is coming here to kill you snate yeah you do have a court date with him tomorrow don't you yes but it's been in all the papers we're putting him away for extortion and for arms dealing while he's sending someone here tonight i came here to warn you and just why would you do that for me kirby you do know that name don't you he's pink and he's everything one of moaning brother's name is warren kirby you put him away about 10 years ago for murder and for that you came here to warn me how does that make any sense well it makes sense to me turns out he's a good guy and he was broken in to warn tony that people were gonna break in it's the weakest plot point ever why not knock send a text an email maybe call the police i don't know how is breaking in at night sneaking upstairs and trying to cop a feel of his smooth sleeping dome the best option reptiles honestly so you say that somebody is coming here tonight to kill me that's what i heard well maybe you can prove that you're trustworthy how [Music] to prove silks on tony's side the pair team up and planned to take down the intruders together who right on cue enters the house oliver snake sends his regards i bloody loved this scene he really put silk under the blankets would a dick move what if the intruder had just walked in and shot the man instead of dropping a pun that would have been one of them awkward ones they could have easily placed pillows under there to make the shape of a person tony has a complete disregard for human life i got connections underworld connections they could prove to be quite useful for you if you need them i could be your man friday if you like so kirby i just might take you up on there in fact i think i have a task for you already what call the cops this guy's bleeding all over my carpet wow this guy's just too badass the next day we see tony in his office which is actually the same scene from the flashback earlier so i don't know why they chose to mess up the dialogue for no reason apparently losing audio sync makes it feel more like a flashback in fact why even show a flashback if you're gonna show the flashback in the flashback this is a time paradox tony explains his grand plan to prosecute a known crime boss and it's personal now because this criminal tried to order a hit on him are you serious about having mr snape take the stand yes yes i am don't you think that's a little risky no why do you say that well mr snake is a powerful man i mean he probably donates as much to charity as it does to the criminal sector i'm well aware of that roberta that's exactly why i need him to take the stand i suppose but i still think you're crazy he dazzles the secretary with an award-winning smile before locking eyes on a nearby bunda [Music] again they couldn't make the steps sync up with the walking even ps1 games can manage that technical feat how is the audio mixing this shocking i know now the next scene is one of such epic and dramatic action it would be irresponsible to let you the dear viewer go into it unprepared so i warn you this scene isn't for the faint of heart you shouldn't have tried to get snake to take the stand i'm sorry what [Music] [Music] sir sir someone call an ambulance helps on its way you'll be all right i can't see i could see i mean she must have thrown some high-tech chemicals his eyes they ain't even red considering it's burnt his retinas and blinded him that is impressive you know it's about a pound to get red blush to make his eyes look even slightly red and that would make it ten times better but they were too damn lazy to even do that in any case tony is completely blind now which according to snay is game over case closed he wakes up sometime later where the doctor poorly dumps a bunch of exposition for his that it injuries [Music] i'm afraid his position is [Music] later we see tony at home understandably sulking over his injuries silk comes downstairs who apparently just lives at the house now he's become tony's rent boy snake took my eyes what good is a man without his eyes what kind of a district attorney can i be now are you sure you're not just being a little melodramatic sir feeling down on his luck and newly blinded tony doesn't think he's fit for the job with all due respect mr quinn you are a damn fine law man and it's a really interesting scene because the dialogue from silk is stiff and read right off a script whereas tony is hilariously overacted both are awful but the juxtaposition between the two is hilarious to watch play out you still have a voice you still have a mind and as long as you have the will to live you can still do your job and put people like oliver snate away justice may be blind but i know you still believe in it i want to be alone silk i need time to think there's a knock on the door and tony tells silk to make whoever's there leave then from the shadows comes the same woman we saw earlier and she has an interesting offer we've never been introduced my name's carol baldwin i have a proposition for you much like all women in these types of flicks the actress speaks with a bizarrely sexual undertone despite it not matching the dialogue in any way no i know you've been treated by the best doctors in north america well they couldn't do a thing for you you're wondering what could this woman possibly offer me that they couldn't well i'll tell you this i know of a procedure currently being tested in the orient if you're willing to undergo this procedure i'll pay for it in exchange for helping take down her father's killer the same man that blinded tony she's willing to pay for experimental surgery that might repair his eyes i'm leaving instructions on the table you need to follow them exactly if you do you just might see again after some deliberation tony makes a decision yes mr quinn there's a piece of paper on that table i want you to read it to me and silk i need you to call the airport you're gonna need to book two tickets for us is silk literally this man slave does he not have a job his role in this movie is flaky at best and after watching the entire thing you realize his only purpose in the entire movie is to read the medical procedure to tony when he's blind he didn't even need to warn tony because tony already had the drop he serves no purpose whatever you need i got connections under world connections we see a bunch of generic medical operations all of which apparently fail resulting in him attempting some back alley mystic operation after that didn't work i met with a different set of doctor and i only called them doctors because i don't know what else to call them they used methods of healing that i had never heard of before now they didn't have the budget to actually show this process so they just mention it in passing like some mystical eye ritual isn't what people would actually want to see no instead we will have to watch the stock medical footage after they completed their procedures i had to sit with bandages over my eyes for two full weeks again the movie does this moronic thing where he talks about an event in past tense shows the entire thing without sound then a moment later shows the exact same scene just without the sepia filter what i see again only time would tell i don't know if this was padding for time you know to increase the overall watch time but it's awful it drags out every scene without my quickfire editing this movie is agony honestly it's worse than [ __ ] and ball torture what if the surgery didn't work what if i'm still blind the surgeons were the best in the world tony it must have worked i hope you're right carol they unravel the bandages to see if the surgery was a success to see if he can see again i can see light it's a lovely scene because we get to see what a man looks like when he's been told to act sensitive to the light but you know can't act no it's still too bright like something's wrong don't panic yet so could you get the lights of course in the dark i can see perfectly in the dark this is amazing this is amazing i have perfect night vision no one else in the world has that except for bats and creatures of the night this whole scene is the worst it's like a really shitty version of riddick in fact even the actors like a really shitty version of vin diesel or pitbull he needs to get some answers so he whacks on the best disguise he has and heads down to the local strip cinema which is the only way i can describe whatever the [ __ ] this next scene is meant to [Applause] to see some be don't ya all right [Applause] four half naked women stand in front of a cinema screen and dance around for about 15 minutes it's soft core at this point and absolutely no explanation is given as to why the bat decides to come here and sit through the entire show other than being a degenerate the scene plays out for an embarrassing amount of time with women just walking around and in the end he just went there to meet a contact that has information on all of the snake no there's no amount of money that uh gonna make me ride on snook all right uh maybe you know somebody that somebody worked with him somebody i can meet thinking crazy or something a thousand bucks maybe i am crazy there's a guy named steve he works with snape i know he's gonna do a drop tonight wow the man's entire life is apparently worth risking for one bag huh the scriptwriters are morons the camera then flicks back to the strippers the producers paid good money for and has another little zoom round you know i genuinely believe that this entire movie was one giant scam just to get those half naked women in a small room where the producers can film them with the new info the bat sets off to get answers where we have the movie's first suit up scene [Music] much like the dancers this scene just drags on for so long they literally didn't have enough music to span the duration so it just cuts out while he's fumbling with his gloves legendary sued and booted the bat hits the town once more [Music] we cut to a drug deal in a back alley you know the uh the deal was you could come alone as an unexpected company i don't know this guy i don't talk to this guy i kind of want to shoot this guy relax the two groups are in a standoff over a dodgy deal and this dumbass will not stop looking right at the camera bang you could say that what uh party favors you bring i honestly think that lad there was just trying to enter his house and they forced him to be an extra in this scene yeah we like you bring money after purchasing some firearms the group are wrapping up the deal when the bat steps out from the shadows like a mentally unstable cosplayer you got a problem friend you've got the problem and i'm not your friend for context i'm not zooming here for comedic relief this is their own shot you get a load of this gun smart man [Music] hold up hold up what the [ __ ] happened there can this [ __ ] see in the dark or teleport how did he disappear then reappear to punch a man without anyone seeing a thing the thugs run outside about 10 steps which completely takes their breath away who the heck is this guy anyway some freak from a psycho this is why cardio is important if you're a criminal but enough of that did someone say hey what would the worst shoot-out ever recorded look like all the freaks found you for sure he's got guns as well again i want to remind everyone this is not a comedy this is not a school project this is the work of adults the back catch is the last thug and delivers a harrowing message for snake tell oliver snake that he better keep a nightlight on because he's about to be afraid of the dark hard cut to found footage of a red car driving at night the outtakes of the blair witch project is on inside his shitty rental car the bat outlines the final stages of the plan but the location where he keeps his illegal guns and drugs was something i could never crack i figured that with enough of a scare the goon would lead me right back to him he's gonna track the scared goon right back to the big boss and his illegal operations at criminal hq we get to see more of snake who's arguing with the scared thug from earlier it's just all in black masking everything in and out of the shadows we never knew he was coming from it was like an a shot no problems getting us in the sights boss if i were you i'd be scared out of my skin so you think i should be scared it was like death himself i am disappointed with the main villain it would have been hilarious if they ripped off a batman villain and done a [ __ ] job of portraying them as well like the joking man or one plus one face or masking mask strong mexican man i finally made my way to state's warehouse next step was to find a way in now we've gone full circle back to the start of this epic movie and we're near the conclusion i gotta take a leak make it quick i really like that they decided not to cut to the point we left off or even show a summarized version of events like any decent movie would do instead we have to watch the entire intro for a second time also he's in a brightly lit room here with no sunglasses on the movie literally forgot what his abilities are he's blind in bright light and can see in the dark why not have him cut the power and murk people in the dark that would actually make use of the powers the movie spent nearly 50 minutes giving context to i want everyone to be on the lookout for a man dressed in black if you see him kill him that is all the bat fights is way deeper into the complex defeating a whole bunch of bad guys along the way you know what makes this scene even funnier is i like to imagine that this absolute bando this crack den they're recording in is their actual office and production studio in real life it would make sense going through a doorway the bat is caught by surprise i say surprised by the angle of the gun the man would literally have to be stood just behind the camera and maybe the bat really was blind after all so the bat is captured and he gets taken to the big boss for a final confrontation i watched the whole thing on my monitors you put on quite a show believe me glad you enjoyed it scum ah now you've gone and hurt my feelings i would have thought a guy with your talents would need some extra money those clothes don't come cheap i imagine no son you are mistaken that costume is in fact cheap do you believe that you and your entire crew are on the same page if they know what's good for them they are are you sure about that in a stroke of genius the bat manages to scare away all the thugs by pulling out a stick of dynamite this action culminates in visual pain not for the man that's about to get punched but for us the viewers i mean it looked like he was slapped with a wet tissue but who am i to argue it was effective a critical hit you know this changes nothing i expect the d.a will have something to say about that about what about this building it's loaded with drugs guns i don't even think a smooth talker like you will be able to talk your way out of this one you really don't know who i am do you i have a pretty good idea he takes the mob boss in and for good measure blows up the warehouse a warehouse he just said he was going to use his evidence i mean there goes the evidence but meh we do get an epic slow-mo explosion now i would normally insult the poor cgi explosion here but after the explosions we saw in the captain battle man video this was 80. post explosion the movie quickly wraps up with very little satisfaction the bats literally just looking at his phone while monologuing snake was put away for good after that between the guns drugs and orchestrating an assault on a certain district attorney snape was off the streets the unfortunate thing is that with crime lords you're dealing with a hydra when you cut the head off one two more grow back i don't get it is he supposed to be tweeting his thoughts out to a fan account or something the credits roll and we hear a series of calls from the citizens of the town talking about the bat yeah hey i um i think he's helping people there's a lot of people out there who you know can't look out for themselves and i think it's good that someone's stepping up since our our cops don't seem to do nothing this guy's not an elected official he's not paid by the city you just want this guy to run around with guns and take out criminals in your neighborhood it's fine you know very jay jonah jameson i assume all the visuals of the black bat here are taken from the actual black back comics i doubt anyone producing this movie had the ability to actually draw or produce or correctly swallow their spit without it dribbling down their chin in closing i would rather the actual batman use my ballsack as a speed training bag than have to sit through this movie one more time watching these movies is like some weird sort of masochist torture at this point no one's watching these videos yeah i keep coming back for more i love it i can't help myself there's little to no redeeming qualities about the rise of the black bat other than to look at it point and go haha look how [ __ ] this is but even that novelty wears off after the first five minutes and then you just sat there thinking what am i doing with my life i can't see i can't see in actuality the bat doesn't have many powers his main ability is getting into shootouts with people that can't aim for [ __ ] although i suppose he does have the ability to teleport when the script requires it even though you can watch this entire movie for free on youtube i still feel cheated i still feel like i'm owed some kind of recompense for having had to watch this multiple times like say perhaps you taking a moment to like this video and subscribing to the channel i mean that would be a nice start wouldn't it check out my other terrible movie reviews if you have the time if not thank you for making it this far and i'll see you next time which is gracias adios guns [Music] what the hell is this here with you you're sure guys i hang with dressed up freakier than that dude you got a problem friend you've got the problem and i'm not your friend

Channel: TotallyPointlessTV

Views: 380,753

Keywords: This Batman Ripoff Should Be illegal, The batman, the worst batman, the funniest batman, batman knockoff, batman ripoff, the new batman, arkham knight, the batman 2, the batman is crazy, knockoff batman, rise of the black bat, the worst batman ripoff, Totallypointless, Silent Hill, Analysis, TotallypointlessTV, The batman memes, The riddler noooo, the riddle, robert pattinson, Christian Bale, new batman, The Bootleg Batman Movie Is INSANE.

Id: LF8ZNg463P8

Length: 28min 40sec (1720 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 29 2022