The Language Of Domestic Abuse in South Asian Communities | Sangeetha Menon | TEDxCaryWomen

once you cross the threshold of fear things do get better this is important to understand if you're being abused to talk about domestic violence we need to first understand what it means just a few years ago we did not have the words Instagram snapchat iPhone and now these words are used daily and their meaning understood by people of all ages we didn't have these words before because there was not a need for them in the native cultures of South Asia and in the more than 300 languages and multiple dialects spoken in these communities there is no clear-cut translation no language for the term domestic violence in my home state of North Carolina an organization by the name of Kiran has been providing services to South Asian victims of domestic violence and I am proud to be a part of it Kiran in the Indian language of Hindi means ray of light and it's that ray of light and paths to hope that the organization has been providing for the past 10 years just this past year we received close to 3000 calls from victims the stories are intense heartbreaking and show the extreme courage it took for these survivors to escape their abusers I want to share a few examples with you a lady who was abused by having water thrown on her and made to stand under a fan in cold weather a mother who was abused in many different ways and not allowed to sleep if she retaliated a lady who was abused locked up in her home and one day escaped with her son a window and a lady who escaped after a knife was held to her infant there are many more victims stories such as these but after receiving services all of these ladies are free of the abuser their stories are very varied but the one commonality here is this none of these women had the term domestic violence in their vocabulary but they do now so I grew up in India and the term domestic violence was not in my vocabulary either but I was fortunate to be surrounded by a family that gave me the security blanket of dignity for women but I know that many parts of my home country did and still do deal with various forms of atrocities against women like domestic violence acid attacks dowry rape female infanticide and exploitation of women at the workplace the commonality here is that this is an issue that goes across the spectrum of all demographics back in my home country of India domestic violence is not acknowledged as an issue people don't talk about it and it is only recently that people have even started talking about it having lived in the United States for 26 years now I have seen how many of the patriarchal norms from South Asia are transferred here when families migrate I have also seen second-generation South Asian men who were born and brought up here and dated women here go back to their home country to find a bride who will obey them the South Asian community is one of the fastest-growing demographics in the United States and yet it is steeped in patriarchal norms whereby is expected to adjust expect it to respect and uphold the family honor and expect it to stay quiet about it this is a collectivistic norm whereby expectations of society will often dictate how a woman is supposed to act so what are the South Asian communities I'm talking about I'm talking about the countries of India Pakistan Nepal Sri Lanka Bangladesh Burma Bhutan and Afghanistan because the term domestic violence does not have a direct translation in South Asian communities many victims don't understand that they are even being abused a victim may not understand that once she crosses that threshold of fear things do get better I often get asked how can domestic violence be happening in the South Asian community here isn't everybody so educated isn't everybody so well-off doesn't this just happen in poorer South Asian homes the answer is no there is a misguided sense of disbelief that domestic violence does not happen in educated South Asian homes my home country of India prides itself on having one of the lowest divorce rates in the world but I also know this is because many women have been subjugated to various forms of violence for years and forced to be subservient to their husbands because otherwise what will people say divorce that's gonna bring shame on the family according to the World Health Organization one in three women will experience some form of domestic violence in their lifetime recently a lady was asked by her family did he hit you and when she said no she was blamed for blowing things out of proportion her mom even said to her you know I had to put up with these things too so just be quiet about it and make sure you keep your husband happy no she had not been hit but it is a fact that this lady had endured various other forms of domestic violence such as verbal abuse financial abuse and emotional abuse domestic violence is not just physical abuse one of the most unfortunate results of these patriarchal norms is this there is no importance given to the self identity of the woman and what makes the woman happy if the woman needs to be happy she needs to do what makes her husband happy this sadly is the reality of blame the victim and shamed the victim it's no wonder that many victims don't come forward when they are being sexually abused either I want to share an example with you we had a client in court who was there to file a domestic violence protective order she had a strong complaint and had listed various forms of abuse in her complaint while in court she leaned over to her attorney and said you know he's been sexually assaulting me for years and when the attorney asked her why didn't you say anything before she said I didn't think sexual violence came under the umbrella of domestic abuse or domestic violence this lady's simply thought her husband had a right over her body and there was nothing she could do about it another unique dynamic faced by South Asian victims is when they live in a joint family household this is a situation where the in-laws and extended family from the abuser side either live in the marital home or live closeby and often will partake in harassment of the victim limited English proficiency is another barrier the South Asian women face but one of the biggest challenges I have seen for South Asian women in the United States is this when they arrive here on an h4 visa this is a category of dependent visas when they come here with their husband who has a h-1b visa which is a visa given to educated professionals as per US law if a woman arrives here on an h4 visa she cannot work and she cannot have a bank account because she cannot have a social security number just give that fact a thought for a second if this is an abusive household the husband in this case has full control over his wife and will often threatened her by saying if you disclose anything to family and friends all law enforcement I will not file your green card paperwork the situation gets further complicated if the couple has children now you might ask aren't there any recourses in law here which would help this client yes there are she could apply for an employment authorization card but that process takes months if she can prove she is a victim of domestic violence she can also apply for a certain category of visas or a green card independent of her husband the wait time currently for those applications is 2 to 8 years this causes the victim to further regress because first she does not want to lose her legal status in the United States and second she does not want to lose custody of her children just imagine being on another continent and a victim of abuse far away from your family and friends and being completely dependent on your spouse for your legal status in that country what would you do keeping all these barriers in mind it is extremely beneficial to have South Asian domestic violence victim support agencies all across the United States who are able to provide culturally specific services to these ladies but we need to do more we have to introduce the language of domestic violence into these communities through my journey in social justice I have been in complete awe of the strength displayed by these survivors even through the most gut-wrenching phases of their journeys I see in them this fear streak of determination and that in turn gives me the determination and courage to make sure that no stone is left unturned in providing services to these victims but we have to do more introducing the language about domestic violence into these communities is often the hardest part we can do it and here's how first educate women and girls about what domestic violence is make sure they understand the domestic violence is not just physical abuse it can also be emotional verbal financial and sexual abuse make sure they understand what their legal rights are and where to go find it give them that language second partner with organizations that are employing h-1b visa holders reach out to the human resource department teams and their health clinics to educate them that this problem exists and tell them how to deal with it and also in turn they can let their workforce know that they don't support abuse third say yes to helping women the statistic is that one in three women will experience some form of domestic violence in their lifetime this could be your friend this could be your family member this could be your neighbor this could be somebody at your workplace this could be somebody sitting next to you today Dart say yes to helping women and last but not the least engage men and boys in the movement domestic violence is not just a woman's issue it is a community issue it is a human rights issue make sure men are educated about the toxic masculinity concept and how destructive that can be at this time I also want to invite men from the South Asian community and all communities to join this movement I promise you we won't bite if the statistic says that one in three women is a victim of domestic violence that also means two in three men are good guys we applaud you for treating your partners with respect and dignity new words come into our vernacular all the time words are powerful and some words when understood have the ability to transform lives maybe even save them remember the mom I talked about who escaped through a window with her young son I'm so happy to let you all know that she is doing so well she now has a car she has a job she has a home she has a happy and healthy child and she's completely free of the abuser - all your silent victims out there who have not yet reached out for help I have this to say there is an entire universe of people out there waiting to help you with open arms you just have to do one thing you just have to pick up the phone and call you will be heard and helped and please remember once you cross that threshold of fear things do get better thank you you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 3,799

Rating: 4.8834953 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Global Issues, Culture, Global education, Language, Violence, Women's Rights

Id: JhIbQmuavq8

Length: 15min 19sec (919 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 10 2020