Transcriber: Martyna Selke
Reviewer: Eunice Tan I am the 10th of 11 children. I spent most of my growing years sharing a bedroom and nearly every childhood adventure with my sister, Mary. She was two years,
four months, and one day older. I adored her. I thought she knew everything
because she was so much older. Now, we spent a lot of time
talking, discussing, and we did this as grown-ups too. But when we were children,
I liked asking a lot of questions. I asked lots of questions, and most of the time,
Mary liked answering me. She liked humoring me; she liked "educating" me. Now, in our family, we were also not allowed
to say very many things, including "shut up." (Laughter) But by the time Mary was 10 or 11, she found a way around this. (Laughter) "Barf," she'd say - that was one of her nicknames for me - "Barf, but sometimes
conversation ruins a relationship." (Laughter) It took me years to understand
exactly why she was right. (Laughter) Now, I did my first
master's program in education and my second one
in clinical mental health counseling. I was an educator
before I became a psychotherapist, but I have always been
a researcher, an investigator, an experimenter with my own life - well, at work. But in my own life, that just means years
of painful action-research, trial and error, and learning the hard way. Good thing is, I do learn. And when I do, I share. You're welcome. (Laughter) My pain is, hopefully, your gain - literally. Nearly seven years ago, I was getting divorced. Again. Out of this excruciating pain, I conducted some powerful research. I knew that my outcome
was based on asking the right questions. So I stopped asking things like "What happened?" "What's wrong with me?" "What's wrong with him?" And started asking things like "How do I heal and recover from this?" "What does healthy love
actually look like?" And when I learned
some things about that, I started asking, "How do I experience
more mutual empathy, respect, and connection?" [Empathy, Respect, Connection] Now, grieving the loss of a seventeen-and-a-half-year
relationship takes more than time - it takes intention. I worked really hard, I studied hard
at answering those questions. I went to my own therapy, of course. I worked really hard
on feeling my own feelings, figuring out what I wanted exactly, taking 100% responsibility
for my own actions. Just so you know, at this point, (Laughter) there's no way on the planet I was going to be doing
couple's counseling. Ever. We had done lots of that - what a crock. But - (Laughter) I did do yoga, and I started to meditate - (Inhales) a little, not too much. I did not want to turn into
a crunchy-granola flake. (Laughter) (Exhales) But I also started reading about shame and the power of vulnerability and the power of brief communication. And that is when I started
experimenting in all my relationships with my communication. Oh my gosh. The results were so profound, I started implementing
and honing a framework with clients in a clinical setting and then later, with - yes - (Laughs) couples and individuals
in my private practice, where I specialize now in love and loss. I'm going to show you
that framework tonight. It's really cool -
I think you're going to like it. But first, you have to see this. This is a pattern of communication
that I have seen without exception. 100% of the people
that I have talked to - whether in the clinical setting
or private practice - in relationship, this pattern
is recurrent in their life. I bet you recognize it. We use it in lots of different places,
lots of different relationships, right? So let's take a look at it. Someone wants to address an issue
or something needs to be resolved, right? And they usually broach the topic
by saying something like - or sending a text and saying, "We need to talk," or making an appointment to talk or, perhaps, "Johnson, I'm going to need you
to come into my office." Or if we're talking to one of our kids, it might be, "Son, have a seat," right? The subtext for this is always - you know this - it's always "You're in trouble." But the conversation is followed by "Here's what's happening. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Yada, yada. This is this. You know, this is happening. I feel this way when you do this." Or "Something's going on at work,
and this is happening," etc. Right? Or we're telling our kids all the ways
that they've done this thing - incorrectly, of course, right? And the subtext for this, honestly, is "I know what's happening;
I have this figured out." It's "My perspective matters right now. Shut up and listen." And, hey, if we're going
to complain about something, we know if we are going to complain,
we need to have the answer, the solution. So we follow this up quickly by, like, "Here's what you need to do." "Do this, not that," right? The subtext for this still remains, like, "I have this figured out. My perspective matters." And, in fact, "I'm smarter. I'm better. Maybe I'm better at this." And when this happens,
there's always an ultimatum. Always. It can be inferred; it can be unspoken; it can be understood between people. They know that there's a consequence. Right? In relationship, it can be something like "I'll stay angry," "There will be no sex," or "This relationship could be over." Right? Now, here is an example. "Um, honey, I worked all day too. I mean, I had to stop
at the daycare and get the kids. And then I come home,
have to make supper. By the time you get home, I've been alone with them
for an hour and a half. They're screaming; I'm making dinner. You just waltz right in the house, okay,
go to the living room, turn on the TV, and you've got half an hour to relax. It'll be kind of nice
if you would actually, like, greet us or maybe help me out a little bit. I would love to have a half an hour
to just decompress after work." Right? Now, here's the thing. All of us get into what I like to call
"complete empathy gridlock." There are some relationships
or people or situations in our life, or relationships -
our intimate relationships - where we just care
about our perspective so much, we don't care how
the other person's feeling. (Laughs) We don't have anything to give them. We just want something from them, right? Now, I know that you can get nicer
about that speaking pattern. You can do a softer entry, you can be gentler, you can be more polite, you can, you know, put the - the poop sandwich? (Laughs) (Laughter) You can do all that stuff. Believe me, I know. And, in fact, couple's counseling spends a lot of time and energy
getting people to work on this, right? In fact, it'll even give you permission to take your turn
and share your perspective while your partner
is supposed to sit there and do their attentive listening
and attending behaviors and pretend that they are going to be
ready to give you some empathy. And if you're really good, maybe - if you're really "good" - maybe you will "behave"
and issue an empathy statement. Right? It's like telling children
to say they're sorry. They're really not. (Laughter) So the text can shift,
but the subtext never does. And the subtext is - it is disrespectful. It's demanding. You're requiring something from someone. It invites defensiveness. I don't know who of us
like to be spoken to this way. We pretty much all hate it, right? But the thing that it really does - and it does this over and over - it asserts, it establishes, and it maintains a power differential
in the relationship. And the person who is doing that
takes no risk in their communication. Guess what? This has absolutely no chance
of getting us the good stuff. Pretty much zero. The empathy, respect, and connection? Not going to happen. So here it is - this has a better chance. Clean, non-blaming communication
starts with - it's four steps, with rules. And, hey, if you don't like the rules,
just think of these as guidelines, and then follow them anyway. (Laughter) First one, three words: "I feel" and an emotion. The second is "I want" or "I don't want," and this is without the word "you," so it's not what I want you to do or what I want from you
or anything like that. It's about what I want
in my own life right now or what I'm really longing for. And then you decide - is it negotiable? And if it's not, then you're setting
the boundary between the first two. But then decide if you're going to invite
someone in at the level of action or are you going to invite them in
at the level of discussion and thinking. And you say, "Can you help with that?"
or "What do you think?" and then you observe. And this is literally like "Hmm, that's interesting." Believe me, you can take what you get. You can take a no - you're already taking it. Right? [Human Parts Chart] This is really good for the speaker - very good for the speaker. This is actually a picture of you. I drew this before I met you;
I didn't know. But, look, there's your body - you're very thin - (Laughter) and your feeling heart, and believe that other
little squiggle over there, that's your brain, right? So this is good for the speaker because you actually have
this other part of you which is - I like to call it
"the gentle, benevolent observer" - this central part of you
which can be metacognizant: think about your thoughts,
notice your feelings, right? You actually sometimes override
your impulses and your instincts. When you do that - when you pause
in the moment and you ask yourself, "How am I feeling and what am I really wanting
in this moment?" - if you also would try
to apply language to it, you are stimulating multiple areas
in your brain at the same time. You practice doing this, and over time, you're creating new neural pathways. It's great. You are actually strengthening
your limbic system, which is the place that houses
your capacity for empathy and connection. Believe me, you can handle it if you don't get
what you want in the moment, because you're getting stronger anyway. Now, this is good for the listener also. You actually defuse
that emotional flooding that can happen from repetitive,
high-conflict contact. You also are giving them a neural punch - it packs a neural punch. In a given day, we're bombarded, they say,
with 34 gigabytes of information. We can process about 60 bits per second, and yet it's coming at us 40 million bits of information
per second, right? You've got to make this brief. Stop talking; say more. Get more love. See what I did there? So that first scenario
that I gave you the example of can turn into "I feel frustrated. I don't want to do all of this myself. Can you help with that?" Now, I have used
this communication with friends. In fact, I've texted, "I feel lonely. I want some girl-time. What do you think?" I've even used it with store clerks. I come in prepared, right? "I feel frustrated. I don't want to have to pay
for materials that I think are subpar. Can you help?" This is not about getting what you want. It is actually about making a connection and respecting that other person
as a valuable human being. Now, if we got really good at this skill, we could actually experience more respect, more empathy, more connection with people all the time. You can take your relationships
to deeper levels, and you can leave behind
all of the fear of vulnerability and the power struggle that is inherent
in that usual way of communicating. I know because I've done it. And so have my clients. So can you. Now, in this moment, from my heart to your ears: I feel - I feel excited. I want to know that I've contributed
something helpful. What do you think? (Applause)
