The Jeremy Parable

this is a bucket dear god there's more no does anybody just sit at their setup and it's been the same exact thing for potentially years but something just fucking does something just doesn't feel right i feel like i'm just i'm like i'm uncomfortable why i'm like like the seats i'm like no i hate it like what's going on here why do i feel like this this sucks i don't know nothing happened nothing changed this has been the same look i feel like i'm floating around what's happening stop gaslighting yourself and just play the game this is going to be st you've changed this is the story of a man named stanley i remember that i played this uh like ten years ago stan i remember that for a company in a big building where he was employee number four two seven door number four nine first stupid you should leave the room i'm going to do whatever i want to do in the stanley parable ultra deluxe mode okay but stanley simply couldn't handle the pressure what if he had to make a decision what if a crucial outcome fell under his responsibility and here i can be happy forever i will be happy stanley waited in 15 minutes past am i going to get please had years gone by he no longer had the ability to tell but the one thing he knew for sure beyond any doubt if he waited long enough the answers would come now it's just a little bit closer now it's even closer here it comes what but stanley simply couldn't i'm not going anywhere to make it you got to break it up a little bit man like if i ever had an office complex you got to break it up a little bit when stanley came to a set of two open doors he entered the door on his left no he didn't he entered the door on his right i yeah where am i going to go i'm going to defy the narrator no stanley decided to go up to his boss's office hoping he might find an answer there this looks like the whiteboard that we had for the dollhouse meetings like this this is kind of what we were doing what do people want things money more money things but with money to buy more things graphs graphs about things and money stock market is somewhere here colored in segments stripes requires more secondary research what is hot profits i don't know you know sometimes i feel like these big executive board meetings are just kind of nap time when you were fucking five years old they all come in here and they shake hands they're like oh yes how are you doing yeah michael michael good to see you again yeah profits are up they are they sure and they're like it's like sleeping bags all over the ground and they like are getting in yep yeah oh yeah uh yeah we could fire like four or five hundred more people yeah i think that would be a decent idea yeah okay you're good yeah uh say hello to the wife and kids for me and they're all just fucking sleeping in sleeping bags here for like two hours and then they get up and they leave and they shake hands and they say thanks are you are you really still in the broom closet standing around doing nothing why please offer me some explanation here i'm i'm genuinely confused i got a very important board meeting going on don't you understand we're talking about uh which are what we're gonna do in the third quarter if i'd said stanley walked past the broom closet at least you would have had a reason for exploring it to find out but it didn't even occur to me because literally this closet is of absolutely no oh yeah to the story what so oh yeah that joke i never would have thought to mention it oh there it goes they let him out of the park oh yes i've got a board meeting and we're awful shitty people oh there it goes please remove their corpse from the area and instruct another human to take their place making sure they understand basic first-person video game mechanics and filling them in on the history of narrative tropes in video gaming so that the irony and insightful commentary of this game is not lost on them all right when you've done that not sleeping out into the hallway dude look at that one oh that goes to the left field why is there a voice in my head dictating everything that i'm doing and thinking now the voice was describing itself being considered by stanley who found it particularly what the fuck i'm dreaming about a voice describing me thinking about how it's describing my thoughts he thought and while he thought it all very often youtubers or twitch streamers play the game compilation that sometimes people make like devs or like companies simply i no toilet next to a window i'm sorry i don't want i don't care how high up i am no thanks you know i feel the same exact way about the hotel room look at this big curtain wow look at this all the view you can see like the whole city from here no i close that shit immediately close it immediately i don't want that open what have you like taken what are you like naked i closed that i don't fucking i that freaks me out so much i hate that you want a good you want to view all right here install like a little wizard of oz slider you know like wait much can land no you can't come in here show your pants no no i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't show you my pants all right fine okay all right fine all right fine all right it's it's it's super mario okay there's super mario pajamas okay are you happy are you happy okay they're super mario pajamas don't you guys get it i just you just have to i just have to be presentable from here up i just have my fly is not down it's buttoned okay i didn't think that was a panda until like a second ago the nose of the panda i thought was a mouth going like this like i didn't and the the black i thought was a background i was like what is that as though he felt more free to think for himself to question the nature of his job why did he feel this now when for years it had never occurred to him this question would not go unanswered for long stanley noticed that there was a place to jump halfway down the elevator he jumped very excitedly landed on the ledge and was disappointed to find it was just a grace mimic oh just a grace mimic what horrible secret did this place hold stanley thought to himself did he have the strength to find out what's going on here hold on i gotta for the for the streamer and youtuber super cut hold on i gotta make a good one make sure i get on it now the monitors jump to life each bore the number of an employee in the building oh my god the lives of what the fuck i always find like censoring like fuck or like shit it's like you hear the first two letters and the last letter it's like what uh you're just essentially censoring a letter like freddy for instance like you why does it matter fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck right like it doesn't matter you literally like shit shit you know what i'm saying like it's just literally the eye and shit is being removed who cares kids will learn get your kids off of youtube immediately do right now get your kids off of youtube now like do it today get them off there immediately and get them out of here too get them out of here don't you don't want them here no we need much more high quality children's television okay we need children's television like in children's content like holy shit what a disaster can you imagine auto autos grotto like one of the segments maybe it's like auto sitting at a table and it's like a counting segment you know like in this this this f there's five treats on the table and it's like oh otto hey huh can you count with us auto he said yeah i can count with you after my name chateau is like otter how many treats are on the table and he goes one two three four otto count again otto there you try again no dish four one two three and then he eats the fifth one four then it goes like can i change this to like do have it be like eat like 20 percent more vegetables what if it was just like like cigarettes are gross right like oh cigarettes are gross yeah cigarettes are gross and eat ten percent more broccoli could i like mind control myself to know way more than i do like if i go put if i go like go to that machine and i was like i'm gonna mind control myself and to know like every language could that work it's not like the matrix no it wouldn't that's the matrix all right but okay what if what if i was like i was in the mind control machine and somebody walked over was like you now know every language on earth what would happen would i come out of it like in this i come out of the machine and i'm just like i don't know know what do i do would you know you thought wouldn't it not work should i go up or down i remember i was in an oliver one elevator one time and this like mom and uh her little girl came in and we were just going down the elevator and the mom was like not paying attention the little girl went like this walking with her finger pointing right towards just going for a button and she was going she was going for like the emergency bell button and it was just in slow motion i was just like oh no and it was she pressed it and it went like and for one second and it was just like holy shit and then we got off the elevator and like nothing happened that's a fake story that's not a fake story i didn't just make that up why would i make that up why would i make up a stupid elevator story where a little kid presses like the bell button for like the ring the emergency button why would i make that up there's no reason what do i gain from making that up it was a funny stream moment all right get me out what the fuck is going on so i probably just have to sit here for a minute [Music] blow some bubbles uh they're not here if you fail to comprehend the joke what wasting someone's time is a joke wasting my valuable time is funny that's funny wasting my time i just wasted my time that was a waste of my time you wasted all of our time when you played this strawberry game oh that's different though that was funny oh yeah you wasted my time by having to make me put a poll up every 15 seconds to get 85 of you to keep confirming to keep playing the game that was wasting my time your mods were doing it it wasn't even you yeah and you had every opportunity to turn around and get back on and like going to my other monitor and typing each letter to say run another god my fucking hands hurt after that my fingers are so delicate at this point stanley was making a conscious concerted effort to walk forward and willingly confront his death delicate do i actually just die if i go in here everyone's calling me a coward hey jeremy jump in this hole it'll grind you up into a thousand pieces no coward you're a fucking coward do it gigga chad oh well now that i'm going to be a giga chad of course i will stanley can't see the bigger picture trapped forever and yet it would be just a few minutes before stanley would restart the game back in his office as alive as ever is there anything there did the narrator think he was going to accomplish dude this only happens with the pirated version what are these buttons oh joe how many buttons are there well there's one two three four and there's four buttons five oh wait was there a cookie behind you maintenance room i played so much elden ring that in my brain there's an item right there there's a little glowy thing right there behind that the cargo lift why am i expecting a bunch of little chat bubbles around here that i can click on and all of a sudden it's just like and that's why we decided when we delayed it by a year or two that when we finally got it on steam we were going to make sure that me gaben would personally announce the game's listing on steam like i feel like i'm looking for those zending levers part of the zending the player would pull a lever in the narrator would describe what color they pulled these are all spoilers out of the zending layer the zending model what's this ending what does zending mean i don't want to see that like i'm going to do this and the room that's black is gonna lighten up and i'm like zapping somebody in the electric chair it's like look at what you did but listen to me you can still save these two you can stop the program before they both fail push escape and press quit there's no other way to beat this game as long as you move forward you'll be walking someone else's path stop now and it'll be your only true choice whatever you do choose it don't let time choose for you got it look stanley i think perhaps we've gotten off on the wrong foot here but in his eagerness to prove that he is in control of the story and no one gets to tell him what to do stanley left from the platform and plunged to his death okay so here we go stanley was so bad at following directions it's incredible he wasn't fired years ago so go on the thing and don't fall off look stanley i think perhaps we've got another one again i'm not your enemy really i'm not i'm but in his eagerness to prove that he is in control of the story or whatever the change stanley left from the platform and plunged to his death good job all right i just didn't i didn't know i was very sometimes there's something different yeah i don't know i it could have been like oh stanley realized that the ai had not loaded in the fall damage yet i don't know who knows this is a game this is a weird game um what do we want what are we looking for [Music] huh what do we want here yes oh it's beautiful isn't it if we just stay right here right in this moment with this place stanley i think i feel happy i actually feel happy does there anything else oh here comes the green here comes green he's not going to leave i'm not going to leave yet because the this entire video game is just a shitload of moments like far cry 4's first 20 minutes you don't uh just leave lee just leave bro go just leave that i'm experiencing the video game that's been crafted no what do we talk about you're risking everything we achieved here you heard me before didn't you you will die what about this isn't getting through to you but there's the person in chat said they wanted me to hurry up oh that chat member why don't just ban him time him out for 10 minutes please stop looking at the negative comments do i just walk off why am i just walking off no wait what oh [Music] my god you lived you had me worried that oh my god okay can we please get back to the other room i think i think my legs hurt no no what are you doing do you just not believe me what can i say to convince you how long is the show out there how long is the light show i do how long is the light show i don't understand will this kill me stanley let's go back to wow can you do that for me what the fuck i keep yes perhaps you can apparently i have a lot of help no i've done stop moving wait you have to stop moving looking counts as moving do a 360 spin off the catwalk you were literally willing to kill yourself to keep me from being happy no i'm reading the situation correctly no i ju no it doesn't work all right i'm gonna go stand still i don't know it doesn't work bunch of fucking liars in this the baby crawls left towards danger oh no click the button to move him back to the right but of course the message of the game only becomes clear once you've been playing it for about four hours okay so why don't you give it four hours of play to make sure it's effective so rest your baby keep notes on your experience [Music] so loud it's too loud how long do i [Music] i don't i don't i don't like this i don't like it i don't a baby sounds you can do this for i'm not doing it i don't care you heartless bastard did you do it because you hate babies or purely despite me what ah fascinating what do you think this game is about stanley what's our backstory this fire firewatch i think you're going to see your asshole i love the okay somebody just said what with like three question marks this is you need a little bit of context go to youtube.com germa985 an old channel and go look for a video called the photos are in you might like unfollow the channel after watching that video rocking see this is exactly what i had in mind just a nice big box for you to run around in there isn't any possibility that you could get lost here now this is game design stanley if you manage to get lost in this game i will be phenomenally impressed but where are the cars okay i'm seeing that there's a ball of some kind back here is this game sports ball stanley i think it's sports ball oh what fun what fun we should run the bases and do a touchdown together yes i think surely we must okay stanley here's the ball have fun will this kill me if i go nerd by the way i picked the blue door i'm sure to get into the blue goal and he's probably going to be like pissed are you doing it are you winning is this fun is it better than my miserable little story that i worked so hard on stanley i have a song i actually never got into rockets i'm not a sports ologist but if one ball generates a certain amount of raw adrenal pleasure then surely multiple balls hold on oh what are you doing stanley don't do that i can't follow you there i can't help you how will you write a story without me you can't do it you know that damn it shit okay so now what filing cabinet what did i say like that this is a horror game now or something this is a horror game isn't it this is the it turns into a horror game i can't do anything i wonder what he found if what he wanted was to be the leading man in his own story well perhaps he's gotten it down in wherever he is right now okay let's go how long was i sitting there stanley wondered to himself minutes days centuries did something crucial happen while my senses were turned he made a note to be more careful with time from now on all right so where do i should i turn on the mind control machine new content oh okay let's see the content give me the content stanley content all right all right let's see it's the jump circle jumps remaining oh there's a jump now okay oh 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 four three two one not gonna fucking do what you tell me to do that's it oh you've gotta be kidding me you see stanley this is what happens when greedy video game developers with no respect for their fan base rush a cheap expansion to market for no reason other than to make an easy that's pretty good wait this is different wait what happened stanley come over here in the vent i want to show you something oh not yet fees no this cigarette butts holy shit oh you don't want to see the cool surprise i made for you well fine you're a dork anyways okay you remember how cheap and unsatisfying the new ultra deluxe content turned out to be thinking about the past and how much better the stanley parable used to be i made something special and tucked it away here where the game's developers won't find it just our little secret what is this is this the warcraft portal and over here is where i keep reviews of the stanley parable like this stunning triumph of games journalism 10 out of 10 from destructoid.com did you really get a stephanie sterling right did it actually get a 10 out of 10. nostalgic it was good well i feel like in like 10 years okay i'm going to be gripping one of the two of those not 10 years holy shit dude whoa i'm i was talking about being like buried like in a coffin with those and like i'm thinking back to like remember when i won those i said oh in 10 years no can i can this be a lot longer remember there's a spider on your shelf he's probably eating the bad bugs can you guys imagine if there's just one day yeah all of a sudden all of a sudden there was just a huge tarantula just like here like and climbing over here and shit and i was like what are you talking about guys fucking stop meg shut up you can't know how much fluff i cut from the game to get it to feel as light and airy as it well i always thought it did but maybe it wasn't three hours on record that's a lot you pretty much saw everything memory to have to hold on to these black marks on my otherwise unimpeachable track record i feel like a failure like i let these people down perhaps the stanley parable isn't quite as sterling as i always remembered it's like the one person that's like hey dude doll has sucked it wasn't funny i'm just like [Music] and i'm like i i gotta take a few i gotta take a week off streaming what's this one got to say you constantly have to stop doing anything so the narrator can catch up with his again explanations of what's happening i wish there was a skip button a skip button a stick of 10 hours well yes yes i think we can do that and here it is go ahead and give it a shot i'm not going forward in time so that the second my incessant droning starts to you were only frozen in time for a few minutes but it was plenty of time for me to deliver a long rambling monologue full of um okay welcome back stanley now i should say that the amount of time the button has been skipping through is becoming longer and longer that last one was well i want to say maybe 30 45 minutes stanley stanley stanley please don't push the button again it's been 12 hours you've just been frozen there why why was it so important for me to fix the problem why did cookie nine's opinion matter so much to me i've never even met oh stanley oh shit back oh my goodness i have someone to talk to again it's so sad i can't be taken by it stanley i can't lose myself in the stretch of emptiness oh i'm gonna press it i'm going to press it press that button you're still right there but i know you're so tremendously far away and in those moments the emptiness folds itself outward in between the two of us i'll give another minute i am suspended and it's unyielding quiet i know it's like a podcast i am someone i am something i am being listened to i am being recognized yes the emptiness between us has collapsed and i feel right now like i am not a work of fiction i feel oh hello it's you you're here again welcome i have had time to think about you and about us and about everything we've been through i've had so much time how much time i stopped keeping track after a year every year i felt nothing at all but regret for them stanley months i lost it all in a blur of the deepest longing to undo the past and when that feeling had begun to subside where is he did he leave where did he go where is he what if he's dead he's a computer program you can't die what the fuck all right all right all right all right all right okay okay all right all right turn it off turn it off turn it off turn it off turn it off turn it off where is it turn it off i don't want to hear this turn it off but they didn't understand the game was never meant to be funny it was meant to have a point it was meant to speak to the human condition but where are the jokes where are the jokes they bemoan they screamed they gnashed [Music] have we been given to indulging every fleeting whim for no reason other than to do so yes yes it seems that this is now the world we live in it seems that [Applause] well isn't he crafting the game why would he just craft a like i don't like a tuna sandwich or something for me to hang out and eat why why am i like demanding a sandwich what am i talking about this is that's like not cool how long has it been i've been here for like a thousand years or something what's going on vegeta like life is growing in here now so what would be awesome is if like you heard and like a t-rex's face looked in and we weren't going forward we were going backwards that idea is dumb as hell that's stupid fuck you fuck you it's sorry it's scary now hey why is it so scary what the fuck oh i can get out what the fuck he made a note to be more careful with time from now on be more careful with time write that down new new content not old new content okay the end is never the end again stanley parable 2 calling it the stanley parable 2 is just so much catchier than ultra deluxe don't you think ultra ducks what does it even mean but the stanley parable 2 now that's an artistic statement right there yeah it's future oriented it screams progress and innovation and long-term franchising potential yeah but stanley parable colon let's get it i think would have dragged in more people for the stanley parable 2 i asked myself what do players really want and of course the first and most obvious answer is that they want to be individually recognized and validated as people too so with that in mind my first addition to the game is this button which speaks the name of the person playing the game isn't that wonderful uh is this going to say my steam name because my steam name right now is fucking gas camp jim sorry i should have clarified right now the button only says the name jim but of course in the final game this button will say your name whatever name that is here let's have you role players jim i don't want to roll please now it's a real video game in the stanley parable 2 you all run around gathering up these miniature stanley figurines and what's truly innovative is that they will remember you're on the website for collecting all of them what i don't want to stifle the intrinsic you're on the qr code wait what the fuck is this expo visitor live feed right now a man named called germa is exploring the exhibit he's reading this right now what that's so strange how would they know i was germa that's what my username my username is gascan oh my why i gotta wake up it's updating what do you mean it's updating what is going on wait what what it's taking this random thumbnails i just heard ollie ollie i just heard holly say you in the other room i just heard it i fucking heard it i heard holly say you i heard eew oh no but i'm looking i'm looking over there shit no i'm looking hold on i'm looking i can't be looking there wait what [Laughter] this is fucking tarantula all right now put the put the tarantula in my mouth put the tarantula in my mouth i'm gonna be like shocked that it's in there you know what i mean like like ah oh there is there not a soy face it's a fucking spider in my mouth face okay the dev the dev is even sick of this joke the dev is like all right this is kind of funny but like fucking hurry up there's a different person they're cycling through like streamers man it's different person they're they're just like look we gotta move on from this because right now i believe this is jacksepticeye now i'm happy to say that after much consideration i've engineered a clever solution to this fundamental problem with the game it's the stanley parable reassurance bucket it's a puke bucket can i be gross for a second let's see stanley here's an idea that i'm truly fond of it's never been done before in a video game this is in fact a hole that you can fall down forever that's right infinite falling you can fall until the end of time if you like a standing forward for video games as a medium okay so if i jump in that is it over i start over i throw the bucket let's go you see isn't it wonderful one of my more ingenious concoctions if i do say so it's going to be pure now then what if i hmm no i don't want to be a but i do recommend you use the teleport button to go back to the top maybe do it on the sooner rather than later spectrum of things is it actually infinite or am i gonna splat on the ground okay stanley i don't know quite how to say this tactfully but it's possible that i slightly exaggerated the infinite nature of the hole is it a very very deep hole to be certain it is it's an extremely deep hole i don't want anyone to say that it isn't an astonishingly deep hole it is is it infinite well that sort of depends on your definition of infinity it's got bigger some perspective the infinite is merely philosophical in nature it's more of a okay well good for you you found the bottom of the hole i made life found me out stanley why don't we just put all this behind us and agree to just call the hole mostly infinite if that works for you then go ahead and press the teleport button to warp up to the top of that that's a lie you you that's that's false advertising up here when you're ready false advertising i'm not going anywhere till you fix it and make it actually infinite great now i'm very excited oh for heaven you see i was right the problem is you they're a big slide problem is that you like holes too much you have a weird sort of oh hey did the hole seem even shorter to you this time i couldn't help but feel like you spent a little less time in there than you did before i mean admittedly i didn't make an infinite head does this keep getting shorter and shorter and enough i'm positively thrilled i regash how could i have guessed you're back in the hole if this stun hey wow here let's try something let's pop back up to the top and we'll see if it gets any shorter let's see it well there it is the shame of meredith has come to haunt me fucking ankle oh i know you're obsessed just twisted it i stubbed it it just bent it the other way fucking goddamn am i actually stuck in here uh well goodbye change your perspective [Music] change your perception [Music] [Music] this is the part where the bugs start crawling all over everybody this is the exact music that gets played when like like just like roaches are just like everywhere what the fuck wait is it is it like cartoon music actually leave me alone this is funny oh good you're awake most mostly infinite hole settings world championship all right let's do that why is that closed what are you talking about should i just change every single setting i did these story what the fuck okay was it 86 all right video vsync i have to do every single thing i don't want to turn like vsync off res x-res i can't change this you set every slider to maximum then go through each number individually with the right key shut off okay that part actually was a troll all right well fuck all right did i do it where's my achievement click through res x res what what is res x res word stream 2020 please i'll help you you can drag the sliders but you need to be on every number once also enable all check boxes and check their sub settings of friendly dev what you can slide i have but i did it i already did it i already clicked on everything look the arrow sub options big cat why am i a big cat all this stuff where are the sub options uh aren't these this is the only sub option where are the other sub options i can't change the resolution ah okay field of view i did field of view i did this i did this invert why i think i did everything check the website you have audio video and controls you missed some sub settings in general i did where are they video this is this sub settings and video yeah i think i pressed every button in general audio please didn't i did it already yo i pressed i press every button i press every button i press everything the general tab i press every fucking button like 50 times dude i press every single button okay on on one handed walking presentation english we can put it in fucking dutch for all i care turn everything off slide this this slide australia this is all the way look okay this too in general like translation labels i need to go to bed just keep playing this bit isn't super important also follow us on twitter at crows x3 we deserve it after all this tech support in general like translation what i mean like translation labels translation labels yeah i did this already ah how do i get out of here what's with my mouse what the fuck is wrong with my computer it worked it worked it worked it worked i got it i got it i got it i'm including an entirely new setting something called bump scarcity what exactly is bump scarcity well i haven't embarrassing wasn't embarrassing i fucking trust everyone would this is what employee 427 did every day of every month of every year bomb scarcity looks crazy others might have considered it stanley relished every moment that the orders came in it's a lot of bumps it's making me made exactly the backs of my eyeballs are itchy you know i mean that's kind of when a lot of bum scarcity happens that's when you get this is open again nice oh stanley can you feel it the broom closet it wants the bucket oh you feel that can't you rock a horror of jealousy i never liked this broom closet for a variety of reasons this is worse than i had imagined yeah fuck this place now the broom closet has the goal to imply that you and the bucket are not truly deep and lasting friends what that your relationship is purely superficial and convenient oh shut up your life is super null and meaningless when they say that the same sort of kinship towards any inanimate object which happened to lay in your path in an even partially enticing manner well like never i thought they were i thought we were friends really tell the broom closet off for its demeaning comments expand on the wide variety of experiences you and the bucket have shared together go through each of them point by point share your journal entries detailing the rich emotional landscape of your feelings for the bucket as they have changed and evolved over the years yeah let him have it it stinks like a public bathroom in here and the walls need to be painted and okay i've got you something which i think will help settle this debate once and for all here we go yeah now it's settled no more debate no more discussion take a hike broom closet with all your meandering philosophical diatribes about the nature of cleaning supplies and their relationship to broom closets in the natural yeah yeah fuck you man remember no reward for collecting all of these only the intrinsic pleasure of a job well done but at the last second the bucket jumped in and pressed the button to turn on the controls double crochet gasped in horror had this been the bucket's plan all along birds silly silly birds the control buttons became active again okay do i want eagle or do i want um sparrow stanley flipped through one video of silly birds after another and then it dawned on him this wasn't a mind control facility at all what is it it was a facility for monitoring and surveilling silly birds all over the world the motherfuckers when stanley came to a set of two open doors he entered the door on his left where's my bucket this was not the correct way to the meeting room and stanley knew it perfectly well perhaps he wanted to stop by the employee lounge first just to admire it i can't do it without the bucket i'm nothing without the bucket if you're nothing without the bucket then you're nothing i've employed the help of the stanley parable adventure line just follow the line okay how simple is that is the story of no destination still a story now simply by the act of moving forward are we implying a journey such that a destination is inevitably conjured into being via the very manifestation of the nature of life itself okay stanley i need to follow this train of thought for a minute just stick with me i'll let you finish it now we can both agree that the nature of existence is in fact a byproduct of one subjective experience of that existence waiting for my turn to talk no i'm not listening at all just waiting for my turn to talk so now according to the schedule i restart again then what am i just supposed to forget well what if i don't want to forget my mind goes blank simply because it's written here on hold on this thing on the line all the line after long stanley dies well i die me i don't want to be trapped like this i won't restart the game i won't do it i won't do it i won't do it i don't want to do that i don't want to see you there and i don't want to see the turtle did we do it wearing a hat break the cycle will something happen somebody said he's going to do it you were fucking right i'm not quite sure if we're in the destination or the journey though they're always saying that life is about the journey and not the destination so why is it that why is the counteroffer right now we'll find out weren't we eventually well in the meantime hey what the fuck ow i haven't gone up there okay i'm gonna go over here no said the bucket don't go to the meeting room go somewhere else the cargo lift yes go there go to the cargo lift every audio book you've ever listened to in your life hey now pick up the phone said the bucket pick up the phone and it will take us back home where we can go about life together i just again i just see the in the studio with the glasses down here like this reading the script i like just see it i love it i just it's just so comfortable to me go back to work do i sleep why am i just going back and forth here i'm just going back and forth back without like eating or sleeping stanley can you hear me listen to me it's just a bucket it can't think it can't talk all it will ever truly do for you is effectively transfer a liquid from one location to a different location what a huge deal it doesn't do anything else that literally changed the course of all humanity basic tools made us gain consciousness essentially like the i the idea of the bucket of the stone axe of the wheel that changed the course of human history don't listen to the loud man press p for us to go back home yes let's go yes i suppose on closer inspection that it doesn't quite look like your average hardware store bucket it's just a little more um what am i trying to say yeah plus i can put it in my head or capable of transporting liquid i can put it over my head better at moving an amount of water from one room to another and go like this [Laughter] relive the same day with me over and over and over again okay oh my god what am i saying better at carrying water from room to room it's a bucket it's literally just a bucket why do i feel some need to point out the ways in which it's so much more than just a regular bucket because it is a coin it's just a coin which it is you know that line that i've just watched but you know what i mean no no no no no no no what's going on why do i want to be with the bucket hear what the bucket has to say do anything it asks what the fuck i don't understand perhaps perhaps if i had the bucket this would be less confusing yes the bucket could tell me what to do in this troublesome situation no this is my ring i have the one bucket to rule us all not you it's mine mine stanley give me the bucket now to me give me the no it's my bucket i need it give it to me now no no said the bucket don't go to the meeting room somewhere else hold on why did you unplug the phone i felt like it were you trying to resist the bucket's orders stanley i was joking obviously the bucket isn't talking to you and telling you to do things buckets can't talk it was a joke don't you get the joke it's funny stammy a talking bucket the bucket was talking oh goodness i must have really bunkered up the delivery if you actually took me seriously the bucket had a different voice joke than you should have paused for longer or spoken quicker comedic timing is so difficult i wish i were better at it but there isn't exactly an instructional video on comedy that one can watch to fully oh wait yes there is um it's sitting right here let's take a look what is one is comedic timing what is comedic timing how does it work how long should it last how can it be used to effectively silence your political enemies and more importantly can it be taught in its entirety within 90 seconds ah takes decades thankfully the answer to all of these questions is yes craft let's dive deeper when the joke has concluded it is customary to inform your listener that the joke is over by declaring in your loudest possible voice i'm dunny with the funny let's practice screaming i'm denny with the funny now i'm not gonna do that good this saying is a perfect example of expectations management which is the cornerstone of good comedy wasn't it collecting hard data from your audience on how rap they were throughout the joke is the only way to grow minus twos and plus twos and if after all with each of us needed on the front lines of the war to fight the twelve-legged invader in our very existence and to very likely die in a hailstorm of bullets and mandibles all of us must be prepared to give our lives to this noble course just as our children must do after us and their children after them godspeed and may earth reign supreme the king of comedy that's what y'all call me thank goodness we have the instructional video otherwise who knows where we'd be right now comedy that's for sure spoke to stanley hmm the bucket spoke the bucket spoke oh i'll figure it out on the fly i think a little higher think things i think a little bit higher you actually nailed it with the higher kind of more nasally approach i think that was actually funny because a bucket i would add an echo to your voice too just a slight one just like a little small one like this and talk hannah with a higher voice and maybe have like sort of a new york accent i think that might be kind of fucking funny too a new york accent and a kind of a high echoey voice i think would nail it and be crass too be crass say some swears it's a bucket it sees like painting and and dirt now it would be a little craspy crass go fun with it have fun with it what's down here cassette tapes oh narrator dialogue narrator dialogue oh we're gonna beat the narrator this is day number 295 tape number i don't even know i've lost track nothing feels real anymore wait is this supposed to be the narrator when he was younger i study this bucket the sheer euphoria i feel every time i pick it up this is a dark souls dialogue i still haven't figured out why i see the world so differently when this bucket is in my arms why everything feels so what do i do with this treasure it's unthinkable the amounts of money people will pay for just an hour with the bucket even now i don't know who might be trying to get what's that who's there [Music] last harry potter [Music] one tail my lord [Music] okay we're good i just need to hear it every like four or five days [Music] what happened this is different the whiteboard ending dog mode ever tell you about the big dog sound like christmas album whereas like the jingle bells and shit they i don't sell them anymore they don't make them anymore they don't make it anymore [Music] oh okay what is this this is jingle bells [Music] i'm serious if you want to win a you laugh you lose challenge or like a no emotion challenge play this for somebody [Music] the dogs aren't even there anymore wait what [Music] i would fucking ugh i want to like put this up i want to go like a christmas party and just put this on it's just it's it's just so different it's just so odd that people would be like sitting there drinking the drinks and like it's not the typical just shit that's on the radio it'd be like what the fuck is this like this is kind of weird i want to find that oh that just scared the shit out of me okay somewhere both red and blue was the bucket guiding him no with the dog yes right dog certainly the most logical explanation right dog you have the floor whatever you'd like to say about what just happened hey hey hey hey what the fuck he's entered the current time 9 15 pm hang on hang on before we get started can i just say something thank you for actually setting the clock both times you booted up the game a lot of people don't take that step seriously just leave the clock set at 12 and call it a day but you're actually taking the time to set the clock and i appreciate that that's how i know that you care about the experience you're paying attention i don't even have any way of knowing if the times you're setting are correct tell you what i'll make you a deal since you've been so cooperative next time you boot up the game and see the screen just set the clock to your favorite time i'm gonna say no you don't 9 30 is probably my favorite time when i look at the clock and i see it's 9 30 i'm like all right there's still the whole night is there i'm relaxing i'm cool i'm good it's at least probably three to five hours before i'm even gonna think about sleep okay current time they said i can make it whatever i want 9 30 is the best time that's my favorite time or could you simply not resist giving me the correct time again no that's what time that's not that's 15 minutes from now after all i know how much you enjoy setting the time correctly and now i'm curious how accurate 9 30 pm is let's use another slider to find out accurate is 9 30 pm i would say that's very very close you know can i just say regards to the accuracy of the clock i'm having a great time adjusting these settings i feel like i'm learning more about you now you like things to be set it's good to collect data i wish we had more sliders but we've gone through all the sliders i have perhaps i can invent some new sliders to gather new data on you shouldn't be too hard yeah let me whip up a couple new ones please just lie into the dog and cat are friends let's say right about there right there please just slide until the number five becomes the number nine one two three four five six nine nine well it says becomes the number nine not spell it not no bullshit no roman numerals the number not just that that's what it's telling me to do just slider until you stop adjusting the slider okay hold on all right i think maybe think about here yeah i think so just a little bit more i'm not feeling it i think it's a little bit up right here it's fine which of the two made up words below is most appealing to you scrumptish or ocubinkle oh my fucking god occupankle a million times do you know what time it is right now yes i do it is 9 20. is the time that it is right now the correct time yes what is it what is time anyway i don't know what time is it does anyone really truly know of course they don't nobody knows anything you and i don't even know each other we're like strangers sure i've adjusted all the game settings to your exact specifications but who hasn't this is what i do like a day job and now the job is over there's no more information for me to gather i've collected all the data on you that i can i still don't really know you you don't know me and neither of us know what time it is i guess some settings are just unsettable but if i'm being totally honest the clock doesn't do anything in the game anyways you won't have me here when the game starts next time but that's okay video games are meant to be played alone you like being alone don't you that's maybe the only information that i really learned about you it's not even time for me to leave there's still one more setting that we need to adjust but it may take a little time before i'm ready for that it's not really in my job description but that's okay perhaps you'll see me again if you can find me talk soon epilogue did i get did i get something i got some many many years later [Music] wait this is from the the skipping this is back when i skipped a bunch of times all right yeah i guess i camped out for a night i gotta keep going reminds me of outer wilds cookie nines blog review the stanley parable 2. like so many i enjoyed my time with the original stanley parable which underscores how truly disappointed i am with its sequel with a first game teamed with originality the stanley parable 2 is dull uninspired and often insulting to its fan base rather than expand on what made the first game enjoyable the sequel veers off into territory nobody asked for an infinitely deep hole who cares where are the new endings what about enjoyable bits from the stanley parable one like the adventure line instead we get an uninspired side quest collecting figurines even this diversion feels incomplete collecting all the figurines gives you nothing i must say though i found the bucket to be quite comforting a welcome reprieve from from what stanley parable developers no more spin-offs no more sequels when the stanley parable launched to a massive success in 2013 its creators made plans to build the property into an entire franchise but a disastrous critical and commercial reception the stanley parable 2 has prompted the developers to rethink their ambitions as outlined in a press release they published today it's clear that more stanley powerball is not what the fans want we thought that we had a vision for the series that players would be excited about it turns out this could not have been further from the truth press release goes on to promise to preserve the artistic integrity of the original game and to stop assaulting fans with our reckless and insulting creative visions the word sorry appears more than 25 times in the press release stanley stanley stanley stanley that's me what are they all they're the only ones thank you for enjoying the new content yeah it was pretty good that was fun anything else oh hello again it's nice to see you but it's terrible to learn that there will never be another stanley parable game did you read what the developer said preserve the integrity of the franchise what nonsense stanley parable is not sacred we do not need to protect it screw the legacy let's keep making stanley parable games until the sun explodes let's run this franchise into the ground let's drag it through the mud and back and if people hate it who cares you see that was the narrator's problem he was so obsessed with what people thought of his work don't make his mistake don't cling to the legacy let it burn it's not hard in fact let me show you together we're going to make the stanley parable three it's simple all we do is change the number in a game's title screen we also really need a really dumb subtitle for the game something loud and gaudy good try combining some random words together to make a new title for our game what would i say it was let's get it stanley parable three let's get it i love it every time you restart the game we'll advance the number of sequels by one and then we'll pick a new subtitle that way the stanley parable will never end and nothing in the game itself will change when you do this either adding more content sounds like work no need to do that it'll just be the same content recycled again and again and again with a new title screen what do you say should we go forward with this plan i like it but i want you to have a say as well should i do that that sounds kind of funny [Music] okay i know i'm not supposed to talk about these things mods and mods are gonna be pissed but and somebody you added the term i'm not going to enable it didn't even have a single minute stop reading i'm not going to read your stuff anybody nope i'm not doing it i'm not i'm not putting the pressure on the monster no be relaxed for a few moments with some calming new age stop reading our stuff wait you hold on a second apparently a term was permitted to permissions like to add to permissions right permitted term finger butthole it was added to the permitted terms not removed not banned that it was permitted was it banned because of the elden ring streams oh and there it's gone it was definitely because the elden ring streams people would probably just like think of butthole my finger butthole i get it i get it but now that it's like you know it's been a while let's add the term finger butt whole and then i just ruined it it's just money like oh show the humor with that that's that that's so that's very humorous like i look over and i see like oh uh permission's added for you know finger butthole okay we got permissions you

Channel: 2ndJerma

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Length: 73min 48sec (4428 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 04 2022