I HOPE EVERYBODY'S RECOVERED
FROM THEIR EARTH DAY HANGOVERS AND CLEANED THE VOMIT
AND GOOD INTENTIONS OFF THEIR JEANS. ( LAUGHTER )
EARTH DAY. EARTH DAY BY FAR THE MOST
POPULAR OF THE PLANETARY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
AGAIN, MY APOLOGIES TO URANUS. ( LAUGHTER )
WE-- ( LAUGHTER )
PROBABLY PRONOUNCING THAT WRONG, BUT WE CERTAINLY DID NOT
MEAN TO FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR. I HOPE THIS CARD FINDS YOU WELL. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) <i> ( CHEERS )</i>
OF COURSE, THOUGH, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE KISS ITS ASS, THE
EARTH CONTINUES TO ACT OUT. >> GEOLOGISTS IN OKLAHOMA SAY RECENT SMALL EARTHQUAKES IN THAT
STATE ARE VERY LIKELY TRIGGERED BY THE UNDERGROUND DISPOSAL OF
WASTED WATER FROM OIL AND GAS WELLS. >> THAT STATE SHOOK BY NEARLY
600 QUAKES LAST YEAR, MORE THAN ANY OTHER STATE IN THE COUNTRY. >> UNTIL 2008 THE STATE AVERAGED
ONE TO TWO QUAKES MAGNITUDE THREE OR GREATER PER YEAR. IN 2015, IT'S AVERAGED TWO PER
DAY. >> Jon: HMMM... ♪ OAK-LA HOMA, WHERE THE GROUND
STARTS SHAKING TWICE A DAY ♪♪ ♪ OAK-LA HOMA, WHERE THE GROUND
STARTS SHAKING TWICE A DAY ♪♪ THEATER! JEEZ, I WONDER IF THERE'S A
CONNECTION BETWEEN THE UPTICK IN INDUSTRIAL-SCALE DRILLING AND
INJECTING OF HIGH-PRESSURE FLUID DEEP INTO THE EARTH FRACTURING
ITS SHALE ROCK AND SIPHONING OUT THE NATURAL GAS TO THE SURGE IN
( BLEEP ) FALLING OFF OKLAHOMANS' SHELVES IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. GOVERNOR. >> WE HAVE HAD A LONG HISTORY IN
THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA OF EARTHQUAKES. WE HAVE PEOPLE LOOKING AT WHAT
ARE THE CAUSE OF THE EARTHQUAKES? ARE THEY MANMADE OR ARE THEY
JUST A NATURAL COURSE OF NATURE ITSELF? >> Jon: IS IT, AS COMMON SENSE
MIGHT SUGGEST, THE SEEMINGLY OBVIOUS CONNECTION TO FRACKING
OR IS THE LORD USING OUR GREAT STATE AS A SHAKE WEIGHT? WHO
REALLY KNOWS WHAT'S -- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S UNFORTUNATE. ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, GOOD NEWS, OKLAHOMA. >> THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA SAID IT
HAD ACCEPTED SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE THAT FRACKING HAD CAUSED
HUNDREDS OF EARTHQUAKES THERE. >> Jon: I'M SORRY, COULD YOU
PLAY THE FIRST PART OF THAT AGAIN? >> THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA SAID IT
HAD ACCEPTED SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE. >> Jon: YOU'VE ACCEPTED
SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE? ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, SHOVE A DRILL UP MY ASS AND PUMP ME FULL OF HIGH
PRESSURE FRACKING LIQUID! CAUSE THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE
REAL EARTHQUAKE! THAT IS THE REAL EARTHQUAKE! ALSO, DO THAT BECAUSE I AM
FILLED WITH NATURAL GAS. ( LAUGHTER )
OKLAHOMA ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM IS THE FIRST STEP. NOW THE STATE GOVERNMENT CAN
FINALLY STEP IN AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE OIL AND GAS FRACKING
WASTEWATER DISPOSAL WELLS. >> ONE DAY AFTER THE OKLAHOMA
GEOLOGICAL SURVEY REPORTS IT IS VERY LIKELY THAT OIL AND GAS
WASTEWATER DISPOSAL WELLS TRIGGERED THE RECENT
EARTHQUAKES, HOUSE LAWMAKERS APPROVE A BILL THAT KEEPS CITIES
AND TOWNS FROM REGULATING OIL AND NATURAL GAS DRILLING
OPERATIONS. >> Jon: HM. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT THE ( BLEEP ), OKLAHOMA. I MEAN, THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S
JUST. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S JUST STUPID. YOU FINALLY ADMIT THAT FRACKING
HAS TURNED YOUR STATE INTO ONE GIANT BROOKSTONE MASSAGE
CHAIR AND YOUR FIRST RESPONSE IS TO ENSURE NO ONE CAN EVER STOP
IT, WHY? >> WHAT THEY'RE DOING NOW IS THE
CHEAPEST WAY TO DO IT AND IT WORKS WELL EXCEPT FOR THE
EARTHQUAKES AND THE CONTAMINATION OF GROUNDWATER. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: YES. YES. OTHER THAN THAN THAT, MRS.
LINCOLN, HOW DID YOU ENJOY THE PLAY? BUT WHILE SOME STATES MAY BE
TURNING THEIR BACK ON MOTHER NATURE, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
IS GETTING INTO GREEN GAME IN A WEIRD WAY. >> HI, I'M DUNK, AND I'M THE
NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY'S RECYCLING MASCOT. ( LAUGHTER ). >> Jon: DEAR GOD,
SPONGEBOB, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU? ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, I HAVE MANY, MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS N.S.A. VIDEO. FIRST OFF, HOW IS THE GOVERNMENT
AGENCY WITH THE MOST SOPHISTICATED COMPUTER
TECHNOLOGY IN THE WORLD NOT CAPABLE OF PRODUCING COMPUTER
GRAPHICS AT A HIGHER LEVEL THAN A 1980s DIRE STRAITS VIDEO? FOR GOD'S SAKE. LOOK AT THIS MASCOT. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY FROM THE
BLUE MAN GROUP ( BLEEP ) A TRASH CAN! IT'S THE WORST! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT, OF COURSE, DUNK'S UNHOLY BIRTH RAISES ANOTHER QUESTION. WHAT DOES THE N.S.A. HAVE TO DO
WITH RECYCLING ANYWAY? >> N.S.A. HAS BEEN GOING GREEN
FOR OVER 25 YEARS. IMPLEMENTING COUNTLESS
INITIATIVES TO BE ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY. NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF
WHY DO WE NEED TO KEEP OUR STUFF OUT OF LANDFILLS? >> Jon: DUNK? HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ASKING
MYSELF? ( LAUGHTER )
YOU REALLY DO WORK FOR THE N.S.A. ( LAUGHTER )
SO WE'VE ESTABLISHED YOU'RE A MONSTROSITY BORN OF THE LOVE
BETWEEN SOMEONE WHO IS IN THE BLUE MAN GROUP AND A WASTE
CONTAINER? AND THAT YOU CAN READ MY
THOUGHTS AND THAT YOUR HORRIBLE MUTANT BOX MONSTER. TWO REASONS TO FEAR AND OBEY
YOU. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? >> WE'RE CHALLENGING YOU TO
CONDUCT A WASTE AUDIT AT YOUR SCHOOL. YOU'RE GOING TO DIG THROUGH ALL
THE TRASH IN YOUR SCHOOL AND THEN YOU'RE GOING TO ANALYZE IT. >> Jon: HEY, KIDS, DOES ANY
OF THAT TRASH HAVE PHONE NUMBERS OR COMPUTER PASSWORDS ON IT? DOES ANY OF THE PAPER THROWN
AWAY LOOK SHREDDED? IF SO, YOUR LITTLE FINGERS
ARE JUST THE RIGHT SIZE TO TRY TO PUT THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER. THINK OF IT AS A JIGSAW PUZZLE
THAT INCRIMINATES YOUR TEACHERS. >> YOU'LL NEED IDENTIFY THE
TYPES OF TRASH MAKING UP THE WASTE STREAM OF YOUR SCHOOL AND
THE AMOUNT OF EACH TYPE OF TRASH BY WEIGHT AND VOLUME. THEN YOU'LL USE MATH. >> Jon: HOLD THE PHONE! YOU'RE TELLING ME FIRST THE KIDS
GET TO GO THROUGH A BUNCH OF GARBAGE, AND THEN FOR DESSERT,
THEY GET TO USE MATH! DUNK. YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. LOOK HERE, DUNK! ( LAUGHTER )
OUR KIDS GET PLENTY OF LESSONS ON RECYCLING FROM EVERYWHERE
ELSE IN THE WORLD. YOU WANT TO EDUCATE THEM, TELL
THEM N.S.A. IS REALLY UP TO. >> HEY, JON, IT'S ME, DUNK! >> Jon: DUNK? >> I HEARD WHAT YOU WERE SAYING
ABOUT ME. ( LAUGHTER ). >> Jon: HOW? >> I WAS WATCHING THE SHOW! >> Jon: DUNK, WE TAPE AT
6:00. WE'RE DOING THIS AT 6:00. THE SHOW HASN'T EVEN AIRED YET. >> RIGHT, NOT PUBLICLY. ANY-HOO! YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE WE'RE A
SPY AGENCY DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PLANET? >> Jon: SURE NO, I GUESS I
SHOULDN'T BE SO CYNICAL. THAT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES, STORIES COME OUT ABOUT
CERTAIN AGENCIES THAT MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THEY CAN'T BE
TRUSTED OR THEY'RE OUT TO HURT US, RATHER THAN HELP US, WHEN
REALLY IN A LOT OF WAYS, WHAT-- DUNK WHAT, ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> AH, NOTHING, NOTHING. >> Jon: ARE YOU SCANNING
ME? >> NO, NO! TARGET HAS BEEN
AQUIRED. THE JEW IS IN THE BAGEL. I REPEAT, THE JEW IS IN THE
BAGEL!
"What the fuck, Oklahoma?" That should have been our tagline.
Edit: And we can't forget when a Channel 9 commercial freaked him out
“What the fuck, Oklahoma?“
Idk John, i ask myself the same question everyday.