( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE
DAILY SHOW." MY NAME IS JON STEWART. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST TONIGHT, ERIC GREITENS, HE'S THE FOUNDER OF THE MISSION
CONTINUES, A GREAT ORGANIZATION. AUTHOR OF "RESILIENCE: HARD-WON
WISDOM FOR LIVING A BETTER LIFE." BUT I WANT TO START TONIGHT BY
TALKING ABOUT NOT A GOOD PERSON LIKE ERIC GREITENS, BUT A
TERRIBLE PERSON. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT A MAN
ROTTEN TO HIS VERY CORE WHICH IS IN ITSELF A TINY BLACK HOLE
FROM WHICH NO JOY OR LIGHT CAN ESCAPE. THE ANCIENT COPTICS KNEW THIS
MAN AS "THE DARK ONE." FRENCH PEASANTS REFERRED TO HIM
AS LE MONSTRE AVEC LES DENTS -- ( SPEAKING FRENCH )
THE "THE JAGGED-TOOTH FOREST DEMON WHO STEALS OUR CHILDREN"
WHO STEALS OUR CHILDREN. WE KNOW HIM AS FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW AND THEN, NOW AND THEN HE SLITHERS OUT
FROM HIS LAIR INSIDE A MOUNTAIN OF KITTEN CORPSES AND GOES ON
TV OR RADIO SAYING AWFUL THINGS. USUALLY WE IGNORE IT, BUT
SOMETIMES JUST CAN'T. >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, YOU DEALT
WITH IRAN A LOT, BOTH AS SECRETARY OF DEFENSE AND EIGHT
YEARS AS VICE PRESIDENT. DO THEY STRIKE YOU AS A
PRACTICALLY MINDED OR RESPONSIVE REGIME? >> THIS IS A TOTALLY RADICAL
REGIME THAT IS THE PREMIER SPONSOR OF STATE TERRORISM IN
THE WORLD, AND OBAMA IS ABOUT TO GIVE THEM NUCLEAR WEAPONS. IT'S-- I CAN'T THINK OF A MORE
TERRIBLE BURDEN TO LEAVE THE NEXT PRESIDENT THAN WHAT OBAMA'S
CREATING HERE. >> Jon: REALLY? YOU CAN'T THINK OF AN
ADMINISTRATION THAT LEFT A MORE TERRIBLE BURDEN?
( LAUGHTER ) THINK -- THINK HARD. NO, WAIT. THINK-- IF I CAN ASK YOU, THINK
HARDER. CAN YOU THINK-- MAYBE YOU NEED A
VISUAL AID? YOU CAN THINK OF AN
ADMINISTRATION THAT LEFT-- CAN YOU-- ALL RIGHT. BUT THAT WASN'T EVEN THE WORST
THING CHENEY HAD TO SAY. >> IS HE NAIVE? >> IF YOU HAD SOMEBODY AS
PRESIDENT WHO WANTED TO TAKE AMERICA DOWN, WHO WANTED TO
FUNDAMENTALLY WEAKEN OUR POSITION IN THE WORLD, REDUCE
OUR CAPACITY TO INFLUENCE EVENTS, TURN OUR BACK ON
OUR ALLIES AND ENCOURAGE YOUR ADVERSARIES IT WOULD
LOOK EXACTLY LIKE WHAT BARACK OBAMA IS DOING. >> Jon: I-- WAH-- IS BARACK
OBAMA A TRAITOR? I DON'T-- WAH--
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S-- WAH-- A
TRAITOR BUT HE DOES A GREAT IMPRESSION OF A TRAITOR. WAH. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT BASICALLY THE VICE PRESIDENT'S POINT APPEARS TO BE
THIS-- ANYONE WHO STRENGTHENS THE STRATEGIC POSITION OF IRAN
IS BY DEFINITION WORKING TO WEAKEN THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA. SO I GUESS THE FORMULATION WOULD
BE WHOEVER STRENGTHENED IRAN MORE WOULD BE THE GREATER THREAT
TO AMERICA. USING DICK CHENEY'S OWN METRIC
AS OUR BASELINE, CAN WE UNCOVER A GREATER THREAT TO AMERICA THAN
EVEN BARACK OBAMA? WELL, WE FIND OUT IN TONIGHT'S
NAIL-BITING INSTALLMENT OF... ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( CHEERS )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( CHEERS )</i> >> Jon: THANK YOU FOR
JOINING ME IN THE LIBRARY, MR. VICE PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
MR. VICE PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
REPRESENTED HERE BY A BALLOON WITH A FROWNY FACE DRAWN ON IT. ( LAUGHTER )
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY, YOU'VE LEVELED SOME SERIOUS CHARGES
THAT BARACK OBAMA HAS STRENGTHEN IRAN. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN
THINK OF OVER THE LAST SAY, I DON'T KNOW, 12 YEARS AND 28 DAYS
THAT COULD ALSO BE SEEN AS FUNDAMENTALLY STRENGTHENING
IRAN'S POSITION IN THAT REGION? >> ONE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF
OUR INVASION OF IRAQ WAS ULTIMATELY TO STRENGTHEN IRAN'S
ROLE AND INFLUENCE IN THE REGIONS. >> Jon: AND WHO, SIR, WAS
RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT INVASION? WHO, SIR! I'LL LOOK IT UP IN MY HISTORY
BOOK, HERE. LET ME SEE. WHAT I CAN DO HERE. WAH! WAH! WAH! BY GUM, IT WAS YOU! IT WAS YOU! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) <i> ( CHEERS )</i>
I TAKE YOUR REDDENED FACE AS EMBARRASSMENT! ( LAUGHTER )
AND IF INVADING IRAQ NOT ONLY REMOVED IRAN'S CLOSEST FOE, BUT
COMPLICATED AMERICA'S ABILITY TO ACTIVELY COUNTERVAIL IRAN'S
NUCLEAR PROGRAM, WELL, IN FACT, ACCORDING TO THE INTERNATIONAL
ATOMIC ENERGY AGENCY, BY THE END OF YOUR ADMINISTRATION, VICE
PRESIDENT CHENEY, IRAN HAD OVER 20 TIMES THE NUMBER OF
URANIUM-ENRICHING CENTRIFUGES AS WHEN YOU CAME INTO OFFICE. AND THAT--
( LAUGHTER ) COULD THAT NOT BE CONSIDERED
HANDING IRAN A NUCLEAR WEAPON, SIR! A CONCLUSION SO DAMNING IT CAN
ONLY BE SPOKEN THROUGH TWO DIFFERENT ORAL AFFECTATIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
I SEE THE SMILE AND LINES AND TOPOGRAPHY HAS GONE FROM YOUR
FACE. ( LAUGHTER )
YES, DICK CHENEY, YOU TOOK OUT IRAN'S ENEMIES WHILE GIVING IRAN
TIME TO BUILD UP THEIR NUCLEAR PROGRAM. BUT SURELY YOU COULD COURSE
CORRECT THIS BY JUST INSTALLING IN IRAQ ANOTHER STRONG
ANTI-IRANIAN GOVERNMENT TO TAKE SADDAM HUSSEIN'S PLACE AS ANY
AMERICA-LOVING VICE PRESIDENT WOULD DO. WHAT WAS YOUR MOVE, SIR? >> IN BAGHDAD, WITH VIOLENCE
GROWING, THE BUSH TEAM BEGAN URGENTLY LOOKING FOR AN IRAQI
LEADER TO UNITE THE COUNTRY AND STOP THE FIGHTING. A C.I.A. OFFICER AT THE EMBASSY
HAD A SUGGESTION-- A RELATIVELY UNKNOWN SHIITE MEMBER OF
PARLIAMENT, NOURI KAMIL AL-MALIKI. >> Jon: AND THAT'S WHEN
MALIKI WALKED IN. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THAT'S WHEN MALIKI WALKED IN. AND I DECIDED TO SHIFT GENRES. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) MALIKI-- HE WAS A HEART-STOPPING
DAME. ACTUALLY, A MIDDLE-AGED IRAQI
MAN. HE CALLED HIMSELF AL-MALIKI. AND HE HAD A PAIR OF GETAWAY
STICKS THAT WENT ALL THE WAY UP FROM THE FLOOR TO HIS PELVIC
REGION LIKE A NORMAL ADULT. WHO WAS THIS BRAVE, FUTURE ENEMY
OF IRAN? >> FOR 25 YEARS, THIS GUY'S BEEN
A HARD-LINE SHIITE SECTARIAN POLITICIAN. WHEN HE WAS IN EXILE FROM SADDAM
HUSSEIN'S REGIME, HE LIVED IN IRAN. HE WAS FUNDED BY THE IRANIANS. >> Jon: FOR AN AMERICAN
ADMINISTRATION TO REPLACE SADDAM HUSSEIN WITH A MAN EMBOLDENED
AND INDEBTED TO OUR GREATEST REGIONAL ENEMY, ACCORDING TO
DICK CHENEY'S OWN LOGIC, ANYONE WHO TRUSTED MALIKI WOULD HAVE TO
BE NAIVE OR DELIBERATELY TRYING TO WEAKEN AMERICA. >> DO YOU TRUST NOURI AL-MALIKI? >> I DO. AT THIS POINT I DON'T HAVE ANY
REASON NOT TO TRUST HIM. >> Jon: DO YOU! WELL, IT SEEMS YOU'RE GETTING
SWEAT ON YOUR BROW! ( LAUGHTER )
IT SEEMS YOU'RE-- AH-- GETTING A LITTLE-- GETTING A LITTLE HOT IN
HERE ISN'T IT, MR. VICE PRESIDENT? STRANGE. I FIND THE TEMPERATURE... QUITE MILD. ♪ ♪ ♪
HMMM. STILL NOT GOING TO CONFESS YOUR
DISINGENUOUS UTTERLY LACKING IN SELF-EXAMINATION IRONIC ATTACK
ON THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION? WELL, I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO GIVE
UP, YOU KNOW? I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO GO
BACK AND REPORT TO MY SUPERIORS THAT I COULDN'T
CRACK THE CASE. AH, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? JUST ONE MORE THING, ONE MORE
THING. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE MORE THING, MR. VICE PRESIDENT. I JUST CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY
MIND. CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY
MIND. YOU MENTIONED EARLIER THERE WAS
A REASON WHY YOU WOULD NEVER WANT AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT
TO DEAL WITH IRAN AND YOU'VE THOUGHT SO FOR QUITE
SOME TIME, ISNT THAT TRUE? >> IRANIANS HAVE ENDURED A
GENERATION OF REPRESSION AT THE HANDS OF A FANATICAL REGIME. THAT REGIME IS ONE OF THE
WORLD'S PRIMARY STATE SPONSORS OF TERRORISM. >> Jon: STATE SPONSORS OF
TERRORISM SO YOU YOURSELF WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING OR ENGAGE
WITH A REGIME SUCH AS THAT FOR THEIR BENEFIT, OR PERHAPS YOURS,
EVEN WHEN LET'S SAY IN 1998 YOU WERE THE C.E.O. OF A GIANT OIL
SERVICES COMPANY -- WHAT WAS THE NAME AGAIN? HALLIBURTON, I THINK IT
WAS CALLED! HALLIBURTON. >> WE FIND OURSELVES THESE DAYS,
AMERICAN FIRMS, CUT OUT OF THE ACTION IN TERMS OF ANYTHING THAT
DEVELOPS WITH RESPECT TO IRAN. UNFORTUNATELY, AS HAS BEEN
POINTED OUT REPEATEDLY, IN RECENT WEEKS, OUR GOVERNMENT
HAS BECOME SANCTIONS HAPPY. >> Jon: VERY INTERESTING. YOU, SIR, WERE ARGUING FOR THE
UNITED STATES TO LIFT SANCTIONS ON IRAN SO YOUR COMPANY
HALLIBURTON COULD GET CONTRACTS WITH THIS RADICAL
REGIME, CONTRACTS WORTH MILLIONS
OF DOLLARS. AND PARDON ME IF I'M IMPUGNING
YOUR CHARACTER, I HATE TO DO IT, BUT WHAT WOULD YOU MAKE OF A MAN
WHOSE FINAL ACT IN THE BUSINESS WORLD BEFORE JOINING THE
AMERICAN GOVERNMENT AS VICE PRESIDENT WOULD BE TO ENTER INTO
CONTRACTS WITH THE NUMBER ONE STATE SPONSOR OR OF OF
TERROR JUST BEFORE LEAVING TO BECOME
BUSH'S RUNNING MATE? CONTRACTS THAT WERE ONLY LEGAL
BECAUSE YOU DID THEM THROUGH A FOREIGN SUBSIDIARY, MR. CHENEY
AND THEN ONCE YOU WERE IN OFFICE, IN GRATITUDE FOR IRAN'S
MONEY, YOU HAND IRAN THE GREATEST PRIZE OF ALL-- IRAQ. ISN'T IT YOU, SIR, WHO IS THE
DOUBLE AGENT DETERMINED TO BRING AMERICA DOWN! ISN'T IT YOU-- HE'S GETTING
AWAY! HE'S GETTING AWAY! HE'S GETTING-- WAIT-- HE'S
GETTING-- DAMN YOU, DICK CHENEY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
