The Acolyte Episode 1 - A Stunning And Brave Disaster

ah another day another chance to witness the horrific spectacle of Disney prodding and kicking the bloated corpse of Star Wars in the desperate hope that it'll let out a burst of flatulent gas which they can pretend is a sign of life in this case our latest desperate prod of the corpse is the acolyte possibly the most unanticipated and unwanted Lucas film Project since Willow a spin-off from the disastrous High Republic books that nobody read starring a bunch of of characters nobody cares about played by actors that nobody's heard of and helmed by a woman that nobody seems to like really what can I say about the acolyte that would make you want to watch it this is I would say arguably the gayest Star Wars consider anyway now that I've seen the first two episodes I'm at least in some position to assess the show's merits and believe me this shouldn't take long the first episode opens with strong female antagonist challenging strong Fe female Jedi to a fight in a bar attack me with all your strength and I must admit it was nice to see caran Moss Back In Action and ah never mind you know it's interesting that characters can survive lightsaber injuries like this but a small throwing knife to the chest is enough to take them down and end their lives [ __ ] shows how much I know about human anatomy I guess flash over to the other side of the Galaxy and we're introduced to strong female character number one strong female character number one is a Plucky young woman with a knack for technology who's also strong with the force hm where have I seen this before anyway she works as a mechanic or sorry mechanic are you serious on the outer Halls of space freighter doing the usual stuff like repairing power couplings and putting out fires sure yeah okay I guess fire in the acolyte doesn't need oxygen like in other shows because it no longer has the patriarchy holding it back you go girlf fire things are going great for her until she gets arrested by dumb male character and strong female character number two for the murder of strong female Jedi see it turns out that strong female character number one and strong female antagonist are actually twin sisters and so naturally people mix them up after the murder of strong female Jedi and what is all of this based on you might ask why the eyewitness testimony of the bartender were strong female Jedi got killed not DNA samples which actually would have made more sense since they're twins not hologram recordings or security footage just a guy who saw a young woman kill strong female Jedi now you probably don't need me to tell you that I Winter's testimonies can be notoriously inaccurate especially in highly stressful situations where our brains release all kinds of chemicals and stimulants to try to Keep Us Alive chemicals which often cide our judgment and blur our memory making us not particularly reliable when it comes to Accurate recollection ction of people and events I mean given that he's an alien I'd have to assume as well that his description of the suspect would probably have boiled down to a young black human female with her hair in braids now in a galaxy composed of thousands of colonized planets there'd have to be literally billions of people who fit that description yet apparently this was enough to bring them straight to strong female character number one like how also you might assume that being on the other side of the Galaxy at the time of the murder with multiple witnesses to prove you were there and no means of traveling to and from the site of the killing would be a pretty strong Alibi but not according to dumb male character at least oh yeah and in case you were wondering what his role in the story is it's to be consistently wrong about everything to make the various strong female characters look better by comparison anyway they decide to ship strong female character number one back to corusant to answer for her crimes now you might think it would make sense to just take her back on their own ship because why wouldn't you do that right you're there with her already and there's two of you so you could keep an eye on her and make sure that she doesn't try to escape because if she really is responsible for killing a Jed ey despite all the evidence pointing against it then clearly she's smart resourceful and Powerful you don't want to take any chances with this one Lads or you could put her on a regular old prison transport with minimal security and just assume that everything's going to work out fine and when you know it within about 2 minutes the other convict stage of Prison Break overpowered the the one and only guard Droid on board and leave her alone to crash land on the planet which she survives because an uncontrolled Crash from orbital velocity is definitely the sort of thing you can walk away from anyway back on corusant we're introduced to squid game guy who receives word from strong female character number three that strong female character number one's ship is crashed they know this because they picked up the Escape prisoners from the Escape pod but they haven't gotten around to investigating the crash site yet and are thinking about sending out probe droids to take a quick look okay back up a second because I really want to go over this one if you recovered these prisoners from the Escape pod and brought them all the way back to corusant that must mean that you already had at least one Republic ship in orbit around the planet to recover the Escape pod in the first place so you're telling me that instead of investigating the crash site for survivors which would have been on the planet directly below you instead brought the prisoners all the way back to Republic headquarters and then asked for instructions so like are are you [ __ ] or what also if strong female character number three looks familiar to you you might recognize her as showrunner Leslie headland's wife I'm sure that had absolutely nothing to do with her Casting in this show just like James gun doesn't let family connections influence his casting choices either anyway squid game guy decides that he wants to take a look at the site for himself because strong female character number one was his Padawan Once Upon a Time so he rounds up dumb male character and strong female character number two and head heads off to the crash site to investigate and almost immediately runs into her after ripping off a scene from The Fugitive then he explains that strong female antagonist is definitely dead because he saw her die in a fire when she was a kid so strong female character number one is the only person who could possibly have committed this crime but then strong female character number one is like I didn't do it trust me bro and he's like well I'm convinced [ __ ] me you're easy to win over aren't you it's good to see that a Jedi Knight won't listen to evidence logic or reason but a single unverified Claim by a woman with absolutely no reason to be truthful is enough to totally change his perspective like I'm very much in the camp that rational evidence would be enough to exonerate her in this case but if you're not even willing to listen to that and are still convinced that her twin sister died because you apparently saw it happen then what other conclusion can you draw here you know here's a crazy idea how about you do that forced mind reading thing that you did earlier with one of the Escape prisoners that would clear up everything pretty quickly either she would open her mind to you and you'd be able to tell if she was innocent or guilty or if she tried to block you it would be a pretty strong indication that she was trying to cover up her own guilt but nowah one quick conversation's enough to change his mind I guess meanwhile strong female antagonist goes for a walk on a beach and meets up with discount Venom who delivers what may be one of the most nonsensical monologues in the entire show steel or laser are no threat to them she literally did Kill a Jedi with a [ __ ] blade less than 30 minutes ago like do these people even read their own scripts do they even think about what they're writing then he ignites a red lightsaber for no other reason than because they want you to know that he's a Sith and that's it that's episode one over what a completely [ __ ] mess this show is it's built around literally the simplest by the Numbers murder mystery plot complete with twin sister f fatal tropes and everything and somehow still finds a way to [ __ ] it up and it's all held together by Insane coincidences ridiculous contrives and decisions that run contrary to logic and Common Sense Andor showed us how a murder investigation can be conducted in a smart gripping tension building way with a combination of deductive logic interesting character moments and explosive bursts of gritty action you get the feeling they were trying real hard to emulate that tone and feel in this show the only things they're missing are brains creativity imagination and fighting skill and that's not the only problems at play here either the acting is terrible the fight choreography is weak nobody looks like they actually want to be here and the pacing is God awful the episode could probably have been wrapped up in under 20 minutes without all the pointless time wasting travel backwards and forwards and redundant conversations telling us stuff we just saw happen we're only one episode in so far and I can already see how they're having to stretch the paper thin plot to try to spin it out into Eight Episodes this show might aspire to be something like Andor for but it's more like book a Boba Fett and believe me it only gets worse with episode 2 but I'm going to have to cover that in a separate video because I don't think my mind or my liver can handle too much of this stuff all at once anyway that's all I've got for today go away now

Channel: The Critical Drinker

Views: 1,516,724

Keywords: critical drinker, review, funny, bet, best, feminism, feminist, leslye headland, disney, star wars, kathleen kennedy

Id: rGiXw4BjybM

Length: 9min 18sec (558 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 06 2024