The #1 MINDSET To Stop Insecurity & Anxious Attachment From Ruining Your Relationships

hey what's up it's Clayton Olson and in this video we're gonna talk about dating anxiety relationship anxiety and what to do if you generally feel insecure when it comes to the game of love I think this topic is incredibly important because over the last eight years of working with people helping them create more secure connections and lives that feel empowering and that they can enjoy anxiety and insecurity is at the heart of so much suffering so if you're coming to this video and watching it because you're dealing with some anxiety whether it's small or large in your relationship or whether you're single my attempt here is to open up a new paradigm and where you can begin to see your life you can begin to see relationship through a different lens that will allow you to source your security within you rather than on the things that you can't control I know that's a bold claim but hang with me here the concept that we're going to talk about today is finite versus infinite games this is something I'm really excited about I've been chewing on this topic for a while ever since I've been introduced to it a couple of months ago and I have been noticing that finite thinking versus infinite thinking is at the heart of so much of the coaching that I actually do and they're given this these names these concepts I've been able to see things even more clearly in my life where I'm playing a finite game or I'm stuck in finite thinking that is limiting my potential that's causing anxiety causing fear and by switching into infinite thinking or playing an infinite game it's virtually solved problems and shifted my mindset in ways that have been really miraculous and it's done that for my clients as well so let's dive in and it will start by talking about the difference between finite thinking or finite games versus infinite games so at a high level finite games are the games that have clear rules and where the goal is to win and beat your opponent in games are games where the rules are less clear and the objective is to not beat someone but to keep the game going and the reason I'm talking about this right now is because I believe that at the heart of our anxiety at the heart of a lot of fear that one might experience in a relationship in dating it's coming from playing the game through a finite mindset through a finite lens and if we can just maneuver ourselves into seeing the situation through an infinite lens it can virtually solve that anxiety or give us the tools to deal with that anxiety in a completely different way so I'm going to go through a couple different examples of what finite thinking might look like in your current relationship or in dating and then I will just oppose that against what infinite thinking or infinite mindset would look like so the first example of finite mindset so how do you know that you are in a finite mindset so one way you'll know is you are focused on the result okay so maybe you're just getting to know somebody and you're focused on how do I get them attracted to me if you were in a relationship with them or let's just say that you're in the courting phase and you're not you don't have a label yet maybe you're thinking okay well I need to get them to be my girlfriend or to be my boyfriend or maybe you're in a relationship fully and you're thinking well now how do we bring it to marriage because the place that I'm at now this is that this is the key thing the place that I'm at I feel anxious and I believe that if I get them attracted to me if we get some type of label wrapped around what we're doing or we make it super official with marriage and the commitment happens then I can finally relax and I can no longer I no longer will feel insecure or anxious now this creates anxiety because we are putting our sense of security outside of us onto circumstances that we actually have no control over and you can see how this can just breed one - feeling powerless in a certain situation which when I tap into my own life and I tap into the lives of the clients that I work with a lot of the anxiety spawns from these external mile markers that we put out that we believe really matter but are in some ways our arbitrary that if that happens then we can feel a certain way then we give ourselves permission to feel a certain way the switch here's the manoeuvre to infinite thinking what it looks like is number one we have to realize that there is no endgame in relationship the infinite player isn't focused on a label or a destination to get to what the person they're attracted to they know that there isn't a place out there that's going to give them security and here's how they know that feelings change people break up all the time there even if you get married to somebody 50% of those relationships end in divorce so we can see that if we're putting all of our eggs in this basket of what we think is going to bring us security with how someone feels a label maybe the word someone says to us or whether they make a commitment that it's just an illusion of security that's actually going to give us so what is the infinite player focus on instead if we don't focus on those things that ultimately give an illusion of security what is the infinite player actually focus on well the infinite player is focused on who they are becoming in the connection in the relationship they're focused on the qualities and the characteristics that they are developing being in the crucible of this relationship in the crucible of the anxiety they're realizing that the security is not going to come from outside of themselves so that it's an opportunity for them to learn to self-soothe for them to learn how to show up for themselves and create the the security they're looking for inside of themselves and then to come from that place rather than looking for their partner to give them the security they are creating the security within themselves and then they are bringing that as an offering into their relationship and they're building from that foundation that's what the infinite player is doing another way of putting this too is they're not focused on the commitment they're focused on the connection they're focused on creating a connection with themselves during the time that they feel anxious in creating a powerful connection with the person that they're with because in the end what it all boils down to is the connection that you have of the person it's not about the labels it's not about what the person says it's about the quality of connection you have with them another way that this finite thinking shows up in dating and relationships is through these questions around power who has the power do I have the power do they have the power are they more attracted to me than I am to them and if we get stuck in this thinking here's the result we end up in a competitive mindset where there's a winner and a loser with the exact person that we're trying to create something with so we end up being in a competition rather than being in a collaborative mindset and this competition is very destructive because it typically results in game plain emotional withholding and you strategizing and being stuck in your head overthinking things around what's the right thing to say what's the wrong thing to say which just breeds more anxiety so the infinite player in this realm they're not looking at their potential partner or partner for the lens of a Mike in competition with them they see that that person is on the same team as them and they are in a collaborative mindset and the way that they shift into this collaborative mindset is by looking forward into the future and designing consciously with their partner and maybe they're not necessarily expressing that right in the beginning but they are holding true and acting in accordance to a vision they're wanting to create for a relationship that is out there they're letting the vision of the relationship the ideal vision of the relationship guide their actions rather than their partner's actions guide their action right and the partner pulls away and now they're worried about that they don't have the power partner comes close and now they feel comfortable because they feel like they've got the power so they're out of the weeds and they're focused on the vision of where they're going so another way that finite thinking shows up in relationship is if you are seeing relationship primarily as a place where you can get your needs met as a human being if you are trying to get your needs met from your partner this is the perfect breeding ground for anxiety because this results typically in some type of scorekeeping where even your acts of generosity are being tallied silently in the background and you're hoping that because you're giving then you'll finally receive the thing that you are so desperately wanting now that's not to say that our relationship isn't a place where you can get your needs met because if we're not getting any of our needs met this can end up in sacrifice and poor boundaries but what the infinite player is doing in this situation is on the hierarchy of why they're in the relationship is there seen that relationship is actually primarily a place for them to give something it is a platform for them to play all out and express something within themselves that has the opportunity to be expressed loving generosity Trust giving not giving to receive but giving just as an act of expression and the giving itself in the bean who you get to be in the relationship is the reward not the result necessarily that you get or the reaction you get from the other person so relationship to the infinite player is not a bank account that you are withdrawing from it is a platform for you to play a game and be or best self and finally another way that finite thinking shows up in relationship and dating is the finite player sees other people outside of the relationship X's friends co-workers as threats rather than inspiration the infinite player sees other people outside the relationship as inspiration other people that perhaps are better looking make more money have more gregarious personalities they don't get threatened by those people they actually admire and are inspired by them where the finite thinker gets jealous and insecure because they see that other person as a threat to what they have with their potential partner or partner and the problem with that is when we create somebody and we see them as a threat they then become a threat and we're discounting ourselves we're discounting our own value which naturally is going to crack the foundation of our security and have us showing up insecure controlling jealous and really not setting the relationship or the connection up for something that's going to last a long time so listen if you can relate to any of this finite thinking know that you're not alone most of the dating and relationship material out there teaches relationship from a finite game how to get the person attracted to you how to get them to commit how to reconcile with a partner and there's nothing wrong with finite thinking when it's in the right context I think we need finite thinking in order to achieve goals and to be able to not get overwhelmed by things finite thinking can lead to a lot of forward movement especially in goal-setting however in the realm of relationship if we're stuck in finite thinking we are really limiting who we can become in the process finite thinking the shadow side of it is we can end up feeling like a victim in relationship if we're not getting the thing that we want we're an infinite banking the infinite player has this truly phenomenal ability to Alka Mies any surprises any anxiety anything that is not necessarily going as planned and they're able to see it as possibly a teacher or a gateway for them to become a better human being because the game that they're playing is who can I become as a result of what's happening outside of me what can I learn from this how can this teach me to be a better person how can this be fuel to transform me into the man or the woman that I'm wanting to become that's the power of infinite thinking and that's what I really hope that taken away from this video today because I know that during these times where anxiety is on high right now it's really gonna take a shift in our mindset in order for us to create ourselves in the way that we want to be and not become broken-down and bitter and filled with more fear so if you like this video and you want to leave a comment or a question or even talked about how you see infinite thinking and finite thinking apply in your life please do so below does your first time on my channel I encourage you to subscribe click the bell notification and I appreciate your attention [Music]

Channel: Clayton Olson Coaching

Views: 25,949

Rating: 4.9599247 out of 5

Keywords: how to stop insecurity from ruining your relationships, insecurities in a relationship, feeling insecure in a relationship, how to stop being anxious, relationship anxiety, how to stop feeling anxious, dating anxiety, relationship insecurities, relationship insecurity, how to stop being needy woman, how to stop overthinking, how to stop overthinking about a guy, anxious attachment style, anxious preoccupied attachment, anxious attachment

Id: Oi9eefREsaU

Length: 14min 5sec (845 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 08 2020