3 Mindset Shifts To STOP Relationship Anxiety

hey this is Clayton and in this video I'm going to talk about relationship anxiety and I'm gonna give you three mindsets three mindset shifts that you can use to overcome insecurities in a relationship so I was working with a client not too long ago and one of the reoccurring fears that kept coming up in all of our relationships over and over again was when is he gonna leave me does he still love me is does he still desire me and you know this is a very common question not only among women but also among guys as well a lot of people that I've seen have the same question that comes up I mean I've had this come up in my relationships and it's this worry that your partner at some point is gonna rip the rug out from underneath you and suddenly just leave you high and dry and you're gonna be left all alone and having to fend for yourself now when we got deeper into what specifically was happening in this woman's mind to understand how she was creating these fears we saw that they are coming from specific questions and those specific questions were things like I'm not me if I gain some weight is he gonna leave me I'm not able to compete with him logically he's a lot smarter than me maybe he wants a smarter woman maybe he wants someone who is younger and then on the guy side of things there's questions around yeah do I make enough money is she gonna leave me for some guy that's got bigger muscles or is better-looking than me or cooler than me and what all of these questions point to what they all have in common is that they're focused on the idea that their value in a relationship comes from something outside of themselves something that they're eat that they either have or something that they're doing in the world and the problem with that is that whatever you are doing or whatever you have you will probably lose at some point I mean it's just natural over the course of our life that look your looks are going to fade money might come in and then you might not have money at some point you might get laid off or fired from a job right you might end up getting pregnant and gaining some weight and losing your figure and having to get it back and see if your value in a relationship is based on these things that you're either doing or having you will always feel insecure so I've got a better idea I've got a better idea from which you can source your power from your relationship value when you're with a partner and these are the three mindsets the first one is to stop competing with whoever you're with and stop competing with everyone around you to determine where you stand in terms of your value in this world so how do people compete with their partner well I know some people think that they need to be a smartass or partner or some people think that they have to make as much money as their partner or that they have to be as good-looking as our partner and although these are bit superficial and maybe have a little bit to do with attraction when it comes down to actually creating deep intimacy and a deep bond with the other person it's how you complement them that really matters it's what are you bringing to the table in terms of your essence that is a compliment or a reciprocal to theirs and this is where understanding sexual polarities really come into play and can give you a different lens to look at relationships through that will rid some of this insecurities so this guy David data who is a tantric author has this quote I'm going to read it right now he says masculine and feminine aspects exist in all beings for the real passion to occur there needs to be a ravisher and a ravish a sexual attraction is based on sexual polarity all natural forces flow between two poles the North Pole and the South Pole these create the force of magnetism the positive and negative poles on a battery create the electrical flow the masculine and feminine poles between people create a flow of sexual energy and motion so what I believe this quote speaks to is recognizing the inherent differences of you being a man and then being a woman or vice versa and the that the differences are what actually bring you together so you don't have to be as smart as your partner you don't have to make as much money of them you don't have to be as good-looking as them either because it's your differences that create the glue and that create the the fabric that that weave the two of you together so when you understand sexual polarities in this way you can begin to see that there is a way of being in the relationship that will ultimately keep the two of you together which is how can you be the reciprocal to what they bring to the table if you are a masculine man your drive your ambition your logic your direction is going to be inherently sexy and attractive to a woman who is rooted in her feminine a woman that is receptive that is open that is spent beautifying spends her time beautifying in the world and again these polarities are not specific to a gender a woman can embody masculine qualities a no man can embody feminine qualities okay so the second mindset shift is to understand that you have a sacred place in your partner's life and to truly get to get connected to the reality of that that there are things that you see and there's a space that you occupy in this person's life that their friends don't occupy that their family doesn't occupy their co-workers that their boss don't occupy and because of that there is something very special and unique that you can give to your partner and what is that well I think it's the way that you are able to listen and see them and see when you realize that because you are psychologically close to this person there is a view and a perspective that you have on them where you are able to see the places where they're weak you are able to see the places of them that need development or need support or where they need some strength to believe in themselves and because you are that close you have the opportunity to give that to them and that is absolutely priceless because you're the only person that can really do that for them and vice versa and see when you pay attention to the listening of the type of listening you bring to the conversation and rather than listening for things like am i good enough am i attractive enough in the relationship are they going to leave me if you start asking questions like what is it that they need in order to become their best self what can I bring to the relationship as an offering that will soothe a deep anxiety that they have about life who can I be in this relationship that complements them and allows me to feel secure in the relationship and allows them to feel secure in the relationship right so the relationship in this mindset shift becomes something a platform that you can bring something to rather than get validation and acceptance from right you can be the one that's giving that rather than asking questions to receive that the third mindset shift and this might be the most important one and that is to continue to grow and work on yourself while you are with that other person a lot of insecurity in relationship comes up because somebody gets comfortable and they stop going to the gym they stop reading they get lazy they stop doing things to continue to be their best self maybe they end up just watching reruns of lost or some Netflix special over and over again and while they're in the relationship they feel like you know they've got the other person and there's no way that person would leave them and what happens is that person who's no longer growing becomes this weight in the relationship and they the other person might suddenly feel like they're being held back so when you are able to focus on yourself within the relationship and continue to love and give you've got to have something to give right and what you can give is your best self so continue working out continue reading and learning and understanding yourself more deeply understanding relationships I mean even watching these videos and looking around online for more information to expand your perspective of what's possible and how to get through certain issues that's growth that's a great step in the right direction and the more you learn the more you can bring to the relationship with new perspectives that will help your partner grow and they can do that as well so those are the three mindset shifts the first one is understanding sexual polarities understanding that there is power in the differences there's power in you understanding what it is to play with in the masculine and the feminine territory with your partner and that you being different is something that brings tremendous amount of value to your partner the second mindset shift is to understand the value that you bring just by virtue of being so close to them both psychologically and physically and that through your list name there is the opportunity to reflect back to them the parts of themselves that they really need to see to expand and become greater people in life and number three work on yourself work on yourself continue to work on yourself continue to grow get a coach read psychology work on your finances work on your health continue to grow and expand and in doing that you will always feel like there's this base that you've got this base of security that you've built within yourself and when you have that you can bring that to the relationship and that silence is all of the questions around whether or not they're going to leave you around whether or not you're good enough because now you've answered those questions and you don't have to ask them anymore you can start asking new questions that empower you to be your best self in the relationship thanks for watching and if you like this video subscribe to my channel click on the link below you can visit my website and I've got a PDF on there for you that is around 8 secrets to create a great relationship but I think you'll enjoy and if you have a question feel free to leave a comment below or send me an email thanks

Channel: Clayton Olson Coaching

Views: 429,176

Rating: 4.9434953 out of 5

Keywords: Relationship Anxiety, How To Stop Being Insecure In Relationships, how to stop overthinking relationships, relationship insecurity, how to stop being insecure in a relationship, anxiety in relationships, insecurity in relationships, how to not overthink in a relationship, how to not be insecure in a relationship, stop overthinking relationship, anxiety relationships, how to deal with relationship anxiety, anxiety in a relationship, how to stop being paranoid in a relationship

Id: FbVECLHUdp0

Length: 10min 56sec (656 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 20 2016