- As the sun begins to
fade behind the horizon, you make out the grotesque
forms of a goblin horde making their way towards you. The mob is led by the
sinister goblin king, adorned in sharp, spiky metal armor with what appears to be a
necklace made of human ears strewn about its neck. As the horde surrounds you, the goblin king approaches and speaks. It seems you have something
of mine, don't you travelers? - Oh wise king. We have traveled far from Dathkromar to bring you what you seek. It's a- - A righteous cock knock mother (beep), and then Scoots rushes in and
sucker punches the goblin king square in his dick. - [All] No! - Dude, what are you doing? - This is not the plan we agreed on Shawn. - As I've said many times before, I only respond to my character
name when I'm playing. - Okay. Scoots. This is not the plan we agreed on. - Look, hear you loud and clear, but sometimes Scoots just got a Scoots. (dice roll) Ha! Natural 20. (all sigh) - Well I can't believe I'm saying this, but your dick punching of the goblin king was a critical success. - Hell yeah. - A look of pain, and
understandably confusion, flashes upon his face as he go sprawling onto his back in pain. As the
rest of the horde surrounds you to ready their weapons,
roll for initiative. - Dammit Scoots. Why did you do that? One. - Because Scoots is a wildcard baby. All you guys want to do
is immerse yourselves in the world, and get
swept up in the narrative. Boring! Scoots wants some action. Screw the consequences. - Except it's that exact screw
that consequences mentality that got us into this
mess in the first place. We wouldn't even be here
if you hadn't insulted the Lord Regent by putting an alchemist grenade in his daughter's wedding cake. (dice roll) - Dammit! One. - (laughs) Classic Scoots. - If not for our sakes, at least think of the DM. Brandon spent weeks
planning this campaign, and your bull (beeps) on night one where you stole that carriage, threw all of his plans
right out the window. (dice rolls) One. (beep) - It's all right, Sarah. It's all right, really. I mean, I appreciate
you going to bat for me, but that's the burden, a
privilege, of being the DM. Though it's my duty to
create a narrative framework for us all to follow along and enjoy, ultimately it is the decisions
you all make along the way that determine how the story unfolds. And as much as I would like
certain things to not go the way that all of you, or more specifically, one of you chooses them to go, I am honor bound to make it work. - See this guy gets it. (dice roll) Ooh another 20. Scoots is hot tonight. - (sighs) Wonderful. Scoots, you take the first action. And I would like to remind you that you are holding the
crystallized rose of tranquility, which when exposed to direct sunlight has the power to pacify anyone
within a hundred yard radius. - Ooh good call, thanks Brando. Scoots reaches into his pocket and pulls out the crystallized
flower of whatever. Scoots raises it high above his head, just like the Tron poster. - Oh, thank God. - And smashes it on the ground. - [ALL] Nooo! - Wait, wait, wait. All is not lost. Okay. The crystallized rose of tranquility is an extremely rare
and powerful artifact. I mean, it would take a
pretty hard throw from Scoots. (dice rolls) - 20. - (beep) - (sighs) The rose shatters
into a million pieces. - I guess you could say Scoots
really rose to the occasion. - All right, that's it. I've had enough of this Shawn. - Scoots. - Why do you always insist on doing this stupid (beep) every time? - Uh, because it's funny? - No, no. It's not funny. It's never funny. And it will never be funny. - Oh, I'm sorry. Has anyone else here taken
three consecutive years of level one improv? No? Just me? Yeah. Didn't think so. So none of you were really even qualified to say what is or isn't funny. - First of all, comedy is subjective and second of all,
improv classes are scam. - Oh, well like you would even know? You never once came to
any of my shows, Eric. - That's because he's
a recovering alcoholic and your shows have a three drink minimum. - Look, I'm just trying to bring a little Jack Sparrow
energy to the group. Okay? Without my wacky antiques, you got what? A room full of Will
Turners? Nobody wants that. That's no fun. - Look a little Jack Sparrow
energy every now and then is fine, okay? In moderation it helps
maintain an adventurous spirit with the occasional moments of levity. Like pirates one. - Thank you. - But with you, it's non-stop
unrelenting balls to the wall, Tom (beep) foolery all the time. It's obnoxious. And it ruins the experience
for everybody else, much like pirates four, which unanimously everyone would
agree is the worst pirates. - When did this become a critique of the Pirates The Caribbean franchise? - Listen Brandy, I respect your opinion or whatever. But like you said, it was my decision. And as the DM, your honor,
whatever, to make it work. I made my move. I smashed the boring old
rose of who gives a crap. Now it's your turn. What are you going to do about it? - Well, let's just see
how this story unfolds. (adventure music) After smashing the great crystalline rose on to the floor, the landscape is bathed in a large shadow. The goblins stop in their tracks as the sun is blotted out. You look up to the sky and you see. (gasps) A massive meteor hurdling
towards the very ground at which you stand on, striking Scoots with impressive force, pulverizing his body causing,
how much health do you have? - 30. (rolls dice) (rolls dice again) - 30 damage. (gasps) Meaning that Scoots, you have zero health left. - No worries crew, Scoots has still got a saving throw and his dice hand is hot tonight. - But wait, just then before
anyone has time to react, a second meteor comes hurdling down in the exact same location, crushing the immobile Scoots, causing (rolls dice) 25 hit
points worth of damage, which as we know is more
than half of your health, meaning that Scoots dies immediately. And (beep) himself. - Anyone else think that
Brandon's storytelling has really gone downhill? - Ahh - Dude, shut up. - Nice try Brandon, but
Sarah's got my back. Right? Just need you to whip up one of those cleric resurrection spells, and Scoots will be right
back on his feet in no time. Right? - Look, I could come up with some excuse about how that spell is really taxing on my character or whatever, but, I'm not going to do that. - Ow. That's okay. Well rip Scoots, I guess, but luckily Scoots's twin brother Skeets just so happens to be
in the next town over. So maybe the, you know, group could travel there and he could? - Oh. no, I'm so sorry, Scoots. But while you were
talking right now, yeah. A messenger came and just
told the party that the town right over where Skeets lives, yeah, it burned down in a
tragic fire and everyone died. Forever. Oh it's so sad. - So, that's it? That's the end of my adventure? Oh, okay. I see how it is. You know, (sad piano music) this time here with all of you, it's been my favorite
thing in the entire world. It's always felt like a safe haven, hidden away from the harsh realities of the cruel and uncaring real world. A place, where for the first time, I felt like I could truly be myself. So, thanks to all of you for
allowing me to have that, if only for a little while. I guess that's a, it's a wrap on Scoots. (crying) (door shuts) - Dammit. I mean, I guess I could use the
resurrection spell on Scoots. - Scoots is back baby! (shrieks) - Does anyone else think
Brandon's storytelling's kind of going downhill? Shut up. (laughs) - Perfect. Perfect, all right. That's the one.
