SORRY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
>>> SARAH, PLEASE? SARAH, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR.
>> I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE CLEAR WITH YOU ON THE PHONE.
I'M DONE WITH YOU, KEITH. >> I KNOW, I KNOW, AND YOU
SHOULD BE DONE WITH THAT KEITH. THAT KEITH DIDN'T DESERVE YOU.
BUT THIS KEITH? THE KEITH I AM NOW?
HE DOES. I'VE CHANGED, BABY.
TAKE ME BACK. >> YOU'VE CHANGED?
HOW, KEITH? HOW HAVE YOU CHANGED?
>> I QUIT DRINKING. I HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP IN A
MONTH. >> REALLY?
>> YEAH. IT WAS HARD.
BUT I DID IT FOR YOU. >> WELL, I'M GLAD.
>> AND NO MORE COCAINE. >> WHAT?
>> I KNOW. I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD KEEP
THAT INTO HIS EITHER BUT YOU GAVE ME THE STRENGTH.
>> SORRY, YOU DID COKE? >> JUST TO HELP GET ME OFF THE
BOOZE. FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS BEFORE
THAT, TOO. BUT THOSE THINGS ARE BEHIND ME.
NO ALCOHOL, NO COCAINE, NO PILLS, I'M A NEW MAN.
>> GOD, KEITH. PILLS TOO?
>> YEAH. IT'S THAT SAME OLD STORY, YOU
KNOW? YOU GO TO THE DOCTOR BECAUSE
YOU'RE IN PAIN, AND THEY GIVE YOU THESE PILLS TO HELP.
BUT -- >> YOU GOT HOOKED.
>> EXACTLY. THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M
TAKING FISTFULS OF VALTREX JUST TO GET OUT OF THE BED IN THE
MORNING. >> NO, VALTREX IS FOR HERPES,
KEITH. DO YOU HAVE HERPES?
>> THE OLD KEITH DID, BUT THIS KEITH, NO, HE'S GOOD.
>> NO, THAT'S NOT HOW HERPES WORKS.
GOD, NOW I PROBABLY HAVE IT TOO. >> OH, BABY, YOU'D KNOW IF YOU
HAD THE KIND I HAVE. PLUS I ALWAYS USED PROTECTION
WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER. >> YOU NEVER WORE A CONDOM.
>> BUT I ALWAYS HAD A GUN. >> A GUN?
I'M GLAD YOU'RE GETTING YOUR LIFE TOGETHER BUT WE'RE THROUGH.
>> HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, BABY? >> YOU JUST TOLD ME YOU HAVE
HERPES. >> HAD.
PAST TENSE, BABY. >> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER.
HALF THE TIME WE WERE DATING, YOU WERE ROMANTICALLY CHECKED
OUT. >> I KNOW.
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE -- AND THIS IS HARD FOR ME TO SAY, BUT I HAD
GOTTEN A LITTLE TOO INTO PORN. >> WOW.
THAT EXPLAINS A LOT. >> YEAH.
IT'S ADDICTIVE. IT SEEMS HARMLESS AT FIRST.
BUT THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SHOOTING TWO, THREE
SCENES A DAY AND THERE'S NOTHING LEFT IN THE TANK WHEN YOU GET
HOME. >> I'M SORRY, YOU WERE DOING
PORN? LIKE, HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN ON
THE INTERNET? >> WHAT, NO?
NEVER. >> THANK GOD.
>> NEVER WOMEN. BABY, ALL THAT'S BEHIND ME NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M NOT THAT STUPID BOY I WAS
BACK THEN. I'M GROWN, I'M A MAN, I'M
18 NOW. >> YOU'RE 18 NOW?
>> YEAH, I'VE CHANGED. >> HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN WE
STARTED DATING? >> OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW I MESSED
UP. >> OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO JAIL.
>> BABY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. EVEN IF THE COPS FOUND OUT, I
WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING. >> GOOD, BECAUSE --
>> I'D LET THE HARDWARE DO THE TALKING.
>> PUT THAT THING AWAY! >> YOU SOUND LIKE ALL THE PEOPLE
AT THE PLAYGROUND, PUT THAT THING AWAY!
>> YOU TOOK A GUN OUT ON THE PLAYGROUND?
>> GUN? NO, NEVER A GUN.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
>> PEOPLE AT THE PLAYGROUND SAID THAT TOO.
>> KEITH! >> ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
BUT FIRST, THERE'S SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME
AGO. >> OH, MY GOD.
>> HAVE TO PRESS THAT EVERY HOUR SO THEY KNOW I'M STILL WEARING
IT. >> WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT, KEITH?
>> BECAUSE OF WHAT I TOOK OUT AT THE PLAYGROUND.
>> RIGHT. >> IT WAS MY PENIS.
>> YEAH, I GOT THAT. >> LOOK, I KNOW I'M NOT PERFECT,
BUT YOU ARE. AND I CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT
YOU, BABY. PLEASE, TAKE ME BACK.
OH, CRAP! HEY.
JUST HANG ON TO THIS FOR ME FOR LIKE A DAY OR TWO.
THANKS. YOU NEVER SAW ME, OKAY?
I WASN'T HERE. LOVE YOU.
>> HE LOVES ME.
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When I saw this skit, I thought the exact same thing. Perhaps one of the writers is a FDSer 👏
I know it’s supposed to be a joke but it’s really not that far off from what it’s like to date a LVM
This is so good 🤣🤣🤣.
Made me think of FDS right away!
😂