Ashley Graham ON: How To Turn Insecurity Into MASSIVE CONFIDENCE | Jay Shetty

that's when i really realized at 18 years old that i was on the spiraling downfall of hating who i was i was working i was making great money but when you're working and making great money but you feel really crappy about yourself there's nothing that will bring you joy at all hello everyone welcome back to on purpose the number one health podcast in the world thank you so much for being a member of this community thank you for committing to self-work love and life every single week and you know i have this commitment to all of you you take out of time out of your day whether you're walking your dog whether you're on the way to the gym or at the gym whether you're at the work or you're commuting back home you commit to taking your time for being here and i commit to you to bring in guests who can truly transform the way you live work and think and today's guest is absolutely incredible she's someone who's become a recent friend i'm excited to get to know her more and more every time we're together and she's someone who's not going to disappoint she doesn't really need an introduction but i'm going to give her anyway because she liked the words that i had on my sheet but her name is ashley graham she's an incredible supermodel she's breaking barriers through body activism and she's a style icon and designer and she's the host of an incredible show on ellen digital network called fearless actually thank you so much for doing this hi jay hey so happy to be here i'm so grateful to have you here thank you for having me yeah hi everybody i love it and i'm so glad because we literally met i think like a month ago yes at the ellen degeneres like kind of launch they they have their what is it called the upfronts up front in new york yes and you're launching season two of fearless and i was already a fan of j shetty that i was already following you was already the thing and you weren't following me yet that's okay i'm just kidding um but it was so nice and then and then we had a nice really great lunch and here we are we did and i actually didn't know this but i told her that day when we met i was like actually i've been stalking you for a long time actually because i i saw you speak at the forbes study under 30 events yeah exactly so i'd seen you from then and then we bumped into each other at upw in la yep and then and then we met here and actually this was this is what really impressed me about ashley she was attending the met for like the 25th time or whatever it is third third first but yeah so she was attending the 25th third and everyone that week was telling me how busy they were with the met and getting ready then actually like do you want to do lunch one day before the mat like before a fitting and i was just like here's such an awesome human who has time to have lunch and i don't know okay i i really think that people just want to be like they want to get their relaxation in before they met because it's such a crazy day and evening but i always have time for lunch yeah always well thank you and you you looked amazing at the mat thank you it was so much fun dapper dan really did a great job yeah oh yeah incredible it was amazing i loved it today i'm excited to dive into your journey your story i can't wait for my audience to learn more about you and fall more in love with you as well so really really excited to do that and i want to start where it all began for you and being spotted at a mall i know it's so weird i think you know so that's really where i was discovered as a model but if you take it back and you go back to like how i was raised i'm from i'm from texas atlanta arkansas new hampshire and nebraska my dad was a business consultant so we moved around a lot and every time he got a better job is when we were moving and um from there i mean my mom she was raised as a farmer in a farmer family and my dad was low class working class kind of family so when they raised me and my sisters it was really about like being humble working hard and when you start something you finish it so when i was in the mall and this scout came up to me and said hey do you want to be a model it was another opportunity that my mom and dad saw as something like oh maybe she'll like this thing because i didn't love basketball i didn't love soccer volleyball because my mom and dad also played a lot of sports they just kept putting me into sports i also was not artistic at all like these are just you know it's like i wasn't good at anything and then modeling came about and they're like let's try it and next thing you know it just kind of all stuck with me and um i went through what someone might call like a modeling school but it was kind of like this expo where they put you um in front of many different agencies and you kind of have to prance around and like i don't know show your stuff and an agency liked me and signed me and um it was just like all very surreal i had no idea what modeling was i didn't know what vogue was i didn't know what pretty meant i knew like what being the the most the like having being the most popular in high school or middle school was but i did not know what beautiful was until i got into this industry that dictated what beauty was and then that's when it was like a whole new world for me and i moved to new york at 17 i had modeled all through high school and i traveled i traveled the world and even when i got home from paris a lot of time my mom would still be like you have to mow the lawn ashley this is how i was raised i was like very humble she was like i don't care how much money you just made it doesn't matter you still have to babysit your sister so i was like okay great well thanks mom everybody in paris loved me um but it was it was interesting because it was like two different parallels of what beauty is at home my mom raised me to believe in myself and that my exterior had nothing to do with my worth and i'm she raised my sisters the exact same way she never looked at herself and degraded herself in front of the mirror never said she needed to go on a diet she was very strong and adamant about those things and that kindness was this was the most beautiful thing that you could wear and then i'm in this world that is only based off of your exterior that is about your worth with your hip your size hip measurement with how beautiful your hair is what your eye shape is you know you don't you're not supposed to have a voice as a model there's so many it was just very strange to me so i knew who i was from my mother and my my father growing up but then i had to conform to an industry that i wanted to fit into and um the reason i think i wanted to fit into it because it was a whole new world it was like tasting a new piece of candy it was people offered you know obscene amounts of money they offered you to to feel like you were in they offered you the opportunity to um to be cool and those are things that i had never felt afforded and now it's like oh do i want those things what do i have to do to get in and you you start to see yourself kind of make changes in your own belief system to fit into an idea or an ideal that was set that doesn't need to be and that's exactly what happened it was it was just kind of this like messy spiral downfall where i had to catch myself really quick before i fell into it that's so powerful though that you had this incredible upbringing like i thought i did yeah like your relationship with your mother and just how she spoke to you about beauty and your family and i think that that's so unique and rare today as well because i know a lot of people would actually say actually because of the way i was raised that's where a lot of my insecurities come from i know because as opposed to their strengths i talk to a lot of moms and i always tell them like how are you speaking about yourself in front of your kids because that's how your your kid is going to actually think of themselves because they know they're a product of you yes whether they're adopted or whether they are actually physically yours there is no way that they are going to look at themselves any differently and i've seen it in all spectrums with mothers that have said have never said anything bad to their parent or to their kid but have talked very badly about themselves and you see the product of the child and um you know and i've met people who've their parents have talked really poorly to them and they're some of the most confident people so you know yeah it can go either way it really can it can go either way but how did you tell me this because i think you're someone who at such a young age went through so many huge transformations yeah so many huge transitions yes right it can't be easy being spotted traveling all over the world making all this money being signed all of this at such a young age being brought into this huge industry which already has expectations how did you start watching yourself catch yourself like how were you able to notice when things were going too far because i think a lot of people miss that when they start working for a new company and they start fitting in or they join a particular business school or university and they start fitting in or whatever it may be for you you did in the most extreme sense so i'd love to know of course so just being thrown into an industry that like you said it's the money it's the travel it's the experience and then it's also about staying in that kind of like it mode and the thing about being a curvy model is that at that time you only were in basically one category and that was catalog so i didn't have to be like an it girl on the runway that had to like keep my hair and like a buzz cut and like platinum and then like have it long for next season just to like feel different like i just had to make sure that i was doing all the things that that the industry expected of me and whether that was talking how they talk or um or or losing the weight that they wanted me to lose or dressing the way or whatever it was but the thing is because i was raised in a very christian upbringing and because i was raised with such um understanding of uh of my worth and except for i wish my mom and dad would have talked to me about sex a lot more i really do because because i knew who i was um thank god i could stand up for myself but because i didn't understand sex and what it was to have worthiness over myself that's where my downfall was because i didn't have a great relationship with my father and in trying to fit in to this fashion world and not knowing who i was and people telling me oh you're not good enough oh you need to lose weight oh your hair is oh or your eyes or whatever it was your hip measurement it was like oh then i needed to go find my worth and then i would go find my worth in food i would find my worth in men i would find my worth in gossip and that's when i really realized at 18 years old that i was on the spiraling downfall of hating who i was i was working i was making great money but when you're working and making great money but you feel really crappy about yourself there's nothing that will bring you joy at all so i called my mom and i was like mom i'm not doing this anymore i'm not i don't want to be a model i want to leave new york city this is just something that has gotten to me and she told me and i swear to god my mother is so prophetic she said ashley your body is going to change someone's life and you have to finish what you started and i was like i have no idea what you're saying lady but i'm going to listen because we're supposed to listen to our mommies and daddies and she said i'm going to come up to new york and i'm going to spend some time with you because i was really just going through a hard time and she told me she's like okay you have to start going back to church i was like what i don't want to go to church mom but you know you when you're raised in that atmosphere and then your mom is like okay this was her rule like you only i only had to go to five churches and one time and just to feel it out and the first church i walked into i saw three people that i had known from my church in texas that i had um gone to and it was like this it was like a sign it was like wow i see family in this church so i started going to this church and i finally finally found like a um a community and it was like outside of the modeling industry it's it's like i had my whole life wrapped up into these people who didn't know me who didn't want me because i wasn't fitting into an ideal so then i started making friends outside of it all and it's like i went back to my roots i went back to who who am i and thank god i did because it took me out of that nasty feeling of not feeling feeling worthy i stopped having sex i was completely celibate after that i um i i i just i started actually doing affirmations and it was something that my mom talked to me about when i i had no idea what they were but she said because because we are christian and we really really we we really believe that words have power and i know that this is like many people that believe this but it's like one of the biggest lessons in the bible and so she broke it down for me and she was like if you keep calling yourself ugly and fat and and not worthy and all these things then that's exactly what you're going to be so she said change your words and that's what i had to do and it really helped me as well and it was something the words that i made for myself were i am bold i am brilliant i am beautiful i am worthy of all i love you and i love you was the hardest one of them all and it wasn't like i just said these things and overnighted like bada bing bada boom like oh i'm a misconfidence it was really it was inner work it was outer work it was dedication to knowing that i could change the trajectory of my future by having these words be my truth and having these words be my truth has now enabled me to tell my full story and have other people's stories come out and talk to them about what affirmations are and and and how your words are really killing you um so thank god for mom yes she really pulls me out amazing it was really great that's beautiful what an incredible relationship to have that's awesome and i thank you for sharing so openly as well because i think so many of us start to validate ourselves through a partner right through men or women yes through food yes we start to validate ourselves through all these different ways and we don't even know we're doing it and so here you say i'm sure a lot of people a lot of people listening and watching right now are going to be like god i've done that too yeah and i was sharing just literally you've you've had it for me two weeks ago when i was uh doing red table talk with jada i talked about that how i would find my validation in how i treated women so it wasn't even what i got from them it was just like if i could show off how amazing i was during my teens then that would make me feel more validated if they were impressed by me i know and and i think we get lost in this web and we're just weaving this web and you're just getting more and more lost and trapped and you don't even know and you feel so empty and you feel so empty even if you're externally successful and ticking all the boxes doesn't matter it doesn't matter and and the fact that you broke through it because i do feel that and i said this to you when we met you've literally shifted an industry like you you have changed the industry from the way i view it and from the way i experience it and from the way so many other people experience it now and thank you and i mean that and the fact that you've been able to go from a place where actually all of these things were forced upon you to you now having a really powerful voice right being able to share all these messages around it i think that that's the transformation i'd love for you to walk us through yeah because i think that's the story of everyone like your story is the story of everyone maybe not as extreme right but everyone who feels like yeah you're not good enough you're not going to be able to do that that's not possible or it doesn't work like that right and then being able to break that and i love the affirmation point you made so let's start with that journey of transformation i want to hear about how you did the work because i know you have oh my god and it's like how do you get to the point of looking in the mirror and saying i love you and meaning it yeah because i agree i love affirmations too but you have to feel you have to know you have to know it in yourself right and it's one of those it's it's it's really it's a lot of inner work and for me understanding that quiet time in the morning and meditation and prayer is like so it is it is the thing that will get me through the day i will wake up i will feel terrible i'll feel my mind will be foggy or whatever but that quiet time in the morning whatever you choose to do with it that is your time and and it is so precious to me so that has some been something that has been a staple for me um and uh the affirmations i mean i say them in the car before i walked up here i was like i am bold and brilliant and beautiful i am worthy and jay and i are gonna have a great conversation you know it's like one of those it's just in me now so i don't have to recite it constantly but everybody's affirmations are different just to wrap up the affirmations but everybody's are different once you make yours and you say it write it on your mirror write it on a paper like actually physically write it type it out if you love to type like whatever those things are for you so that you can embody it and they can change over time too which i think is very important um so as you were saying like that i have your words that i've changed in industry it's hard to go back and be like when did it all begin yeah i can imagine because for me i was just this like girl from nebraska working my butt off just trying to like you know sustain a 4 000 rental in financial districts i'm like this is what people pay like this is insane i'm living in 800 square feet this is not okay this is why i moved to brooklyn [Laughter] right um but it was it was just it was always such a heavy workload and i didn't i was just i always felt like i was swimming upstream and even as my worth developed and even as my my my understanding of who i was and that my worth wasn't wrapped up in men my worth wasn't wrapped up in in food it wasn't wrapped up in in my career i still struggled and wanted something more in my career and i wanted to be able to make change in a different way and i think that where a lot of it began where a lot of it began was i was in a commercial that was banned from television because of my size because i was a lot in lingerie and a girl that was size 16. i was 16 at the time i'm a size 14 for all of you wondering everyone was like oh my god but people are always so just you know we're still addicted to numbers right gosh anyways that's another conversation anyways so i was a size 16 girl in lingerie in this commercial and i was like going to meet my boyfriend it was banned from tv and that's really where kind of my career took it took like this trajectory of like oh there's this girl and like maybe we want to get to know her and that is when i realized okay i have a voice how do i use it oh social media okay so i'm gonna use social media to just tell my truth i don't know what's gonna happen but it wasn't just me that wanted this change it was so many people in the industry that were like we aren't just plus size we're women like we want to we want to have clothes that fit us this isn't just about um skinny women being able to be dressed in cool clothes it's about every woman being able to dress and be cool clothes so i really use social social media as a stepping stone in order to just have a voice but i didn't know that that was going to be my biggest stepping stone so i i remember just like posting photos of myself in in swimsuits or lingerie and not retouching the cellulite out shocking and getting all kinds of women just saying like how brave of you or how courageous that you would actually do something like that i would never or like thank you for giving me the confidence to be able to do that and um and and i thought okay well this is good this is like this is a thing yeah yeah people care exactly and then i realized that there was a mark there was a hole in the market for lingerie and that people were looking at me as a lingerie girl they didn't know my name but they knew that i was a lingerie girl because of this commercial that was banned so i was like well great i'm gonna make lingerie for all of you then and because i could take a step back and look at where there was holes and where i could feel it at the time because at the time i was 22 years 22 yeah 23 23 years old because i started also lingerie line because i had been in the same position on the couch when my husband left for the house in the morning and he came back that same night and i was like literally just still watching real housewives and he's like is this what you want with your life and i and i was like what do you mean he said do you really just want to be stuck in this kind of career in this job and doing this same thing and i thought i don't i don't want that what can i do and that's when i went and took a step back and made a vision board about who who i want to be what do i want and that's when the idea of the lingerie line came around and um it's funny because people who have changed industries and people who have made such impacts in the world i don't know that they've actually set out to do it i think it just happens and i've just taken every little every little gap that that has that has that i've seen in my industry and i've tried to fill it because if i'm feeling it with my voice then that then i know that i'm filling it with a voice that is like so many other people who just want to be included who want to have inclusivity who don't want to be called different because we are the norm and it's it's just a conversation that i've had to keep having but it's incredible the strides that have happened along with it absolutely for everyone who's listening and watching right now ashley is gracefully sharing her story and she didn't even point this out but it's like you literally took your commercial getting banned from being on tv and turned that into something incredible which i love thank you because it's so easy for any of us to hit any roadblock hit any barrier hit a rejection hit a no for most of us like if our book doesn't get picked up or if your tv commercial gets banned or if your movie never made it out of script or whatever it is or it didn't make it out of a pilot phase a lot of us would be like oh my god my life's falling apart like i'm not gonna make it or i didn't get into the college i wanted or i didn't get the promotion i wanted but you went and took that same thing and that actually led to the birth of your lingerie yes which is just phenomenal like i love that it's just an example of how any situation can be the biggest blessing in the world yeah i really i think of no's as maybes and i and i turn my babies into yeses and i'm i know that not just one person is going to give me an answer so there wasn't a door that i didn't knock on and i thank my parents all the time for instilling that hard working ethic in me because it doesn't matter what you're doing in your career you understand this i understand this you have to work your butt off and and you have to work your butt off even harder when you get to the top because then you want to stay there so you think you're working hard now yeah it's true so um i i i don't know i was just i i just think that that was a very pivotal moment and then it all just kind of started spiraling into these great opportunities um and also just being able i did a ted talk which was like also very scary for me very scary but it enabled me to have a voice and so many models were silenced we were just told that you know you're a pretty face be quiet and um crazy it is crazy i know because i mean we're people like we have many opinions we have many things that we're passionate about we want to change the world and uh i actually in my book i i wrote a chapter about win models talk and uh it's it's really it's interesting because i had started this group called alda and it was me and four other curvy girls who had been switching agencies and we did it together because we knew if we went to a really big agency that did not have any curve models we could really change the industry and we made these business proposals and we talked about how much money we each made and how much money that the whole curve industry is making and where what the trajectory of the industry is and we took it as like this business opportunity to really to to tell the to tell the industry who we were not just as the five of us but like who we are as curvy women yeah and they took they listened and and sure enough six years later here we are and oh my god i didn't know that part i love them you're glad you're sharing you can't do it alone there's nothing you can do that you that that is only going to be you there's teams that are behind people there is mountains that are that you have to climb over to get to these places and you need people along the way to help you and i always thank those girls when we stay really close um but yeah yeah no i love that you brought up that point i was sharing the other day that i feel like so many of us when you're starting in a space you look at everyone else as your competitor right and you're like okay who's who's winning in this space what's my competitor analysis yes oh she's number one i'm number 10 or whatever it is yes so actually what you've just shown us this beautiful example of collaboration right collaborators and seeing everyone and i remember when i first started making content for me it was the same i was looking at every content creator as someone i could potentially collaborate with and i would literally write to everyone and just be like hey i really believe that we need to share these messages why can't we support and share with each other and a few years later i've seen the growth of all these incredible other platforms and we all work together in the same way so i love hearing that because i think so often we feel alone and we choose a lonely path when we don't need to know it's so true and especially in the fashion industry everything is a competition and it's about the instagram followers who's got covers you know who's in the campaigns who's on the who's on the runways and it was uh really groundbreaking for people to see us all band together and even the agencies were shook by it they were like you told each other how much you made how dare you exactly but we had to because we wanted to make sure that we were making the right decision yeah oh god no no no but i was going to bring up another um great story in that even though i did that i still had to learn another lesson a couple years later um where actually it was it was a year prior my bad i'm getting my my timeline all mixed up but there was a cover that i was up for and it was italian vogue and italian vogue and fashion industry is like being on the cover of forbes right in in in art and this side of this yes okay and it is like oh the creme de la creme and i was on hold to be on this job and the night before i get the call and they're like you didn't get confirmed but three other brunettes did and i was shook and i thought okay there's day two and they told me that maybe i'll get into day two the next night they called me they were like actually sorry you didn't get it and i i honestly went ate a bowl of pasta because like that was like my method of just like coping and healing and um i said to my agent i said is this going to ruin my career these three brunettes like they're gonna take over and they're they're gonna take every job that i've ever worked so hard to get and he said don't worry about it like you're my money maker you're my star nothing will happen to you sure enough when this cover came out it was like boom i stopped working and these other girls just started getting more and more jobs and more fame like whatever that was for them and i was so pissed i was pissed i was angry i was jealous i there were so many emotions that were going on in my mind and there was nothing that i wouldn't that i felt like i couldn't have done to get on that cover but except for just be pissed at that point and i had this probably three-day conversation with myself about what did it what would it have meant to me to be on that cover and i talked to myself through what the success of my feelings would have been all of the the um the highs what jobs i would have gotten all of that stuff and i said but it didn't happen it wasn't yours and the moment that i could say that to myself and realize that that wasn't mine and i forgave myself for getting so angry it was like poof it was out of my mind and i could just share it with other people and it was more of like a funny thing and a life lesson in some senses and and then i and now i can even talk about it today because it was it was something that that had me so shooken up but now i didn't need that cover i didn't need that cover to get to the next stage because god works in mysterious ways where he gives you exactly what you can have and or what you can handle in that moment and i didn't need it and he wanted to teach me a lesson on on just being comfortable in my own space and not having it all yes and i was really i mean it took me a while to be okay with that but but now i look back and i think wow i'm so glad that i was able to handle the situation that i did yeah thank you for sharing both human aspects yeah like like i'm glad i'm glad that you told us about that side too yeah and and thank you for sharing both stories like the first story showing collaboration community coming together but then actually showing on the flip side of course we all want to win we all want to do well exactly and we will go through moments of feeling extremely angry extremely upset and i love that you said you had a three-day conversation with yourself yeah which i think is awesome by the way like i think everyone should set more meetings with themselves on their calendar right like our calendars are full of meetings with other people imagine you actually had a meeting that said me right like oh i should do that yeah we need we need everyone to have a calendar on there you know calendar moment that says me a meeting with myself it's the most important meeting of the day yeah and i just think that it's so awesome that you shared both sides with us because i i do think it's balanced absolutely and it's human to want to win and to succeed and to be ambitious how were you able from that point on then to proof it's all disappeared you're not feeling that envy and that pain anymore but to pave a new path for yourself and then notice as you said in your words god's plan of paving a new path and a new lesson for yourself how are you then able to open up to that opportunity well i think then i just had tunnel vision and that i didn't have competition it was just everything was about what am i doing and what do i want to see and it's been really great to be able to work with people my team is incredible and be able to come to them and say okay this is what i see that that needs to happen in my career but this is also what i see that needs to happen in the fashion industry and how can we fill the void and how can we fix things and change things and it's been really great to be able to work with designers like probably ron and christian siriano and michael kors and and and just be able to to have natural conversations about like what's really happening in the industry but then also to have the confidence in myself to be able to do those things and i think now is the time people want that change and the body positive the body inclusivity um conversation has just poof blown up yes and um and and now now more than ever we're seeing women and men honestly which has been really cool of all shapes sizes ages colors um i mean name the gamut it's like the inclusivity is like really where it's at um but staying true to who you are is easy when you know who you are and i think that i'm 31 and through my 20s i had to really get to know myself and i had a lot of like what felt like maybe a carpal tunnel because i was just writing a lot about journaling about who i wanted to be who what my goals were and and all these different things and and and when i look back at those journals i laugh because i feel like i was so immature like i really like wanted such little things [Laughter] like i really like i look and i think wow i was so close-minded but i'm so glad that i have that proof to myself how much i've grown and and it's it's it's nice to look at the fashion industry and say like wow things are really moving and then be able to look back at the journals and be like wow i i mean it's just incredible to see like the maturity of like everything all at once um so yeah i think that just really knowing who you are and getting to know yourself is really key in whatever industry that you're in and whatever mountain you're trying to move yeah absolutely so well said so well said and i think one of the things that you're really raising that's important to me here is this principle of we think we have the grandest and biggest plans for ourselves and then the universe god yeah whatever whatever you want to call it comes and gives you something way bigger way bigger and you just had to stay on that path and every delay really has a blessing yeah but you've just got to be able to wait and be patient and consistently keep pushing and working and i think so many people just get off the path before you're actually revealed that hey wait a minute like your your ideas were good but they were much smaller and there's better things in store you have to believe it yeah you have to believe it no i love that and you're so right if you don't know who you are you can't keep hold of that and you've had your fair share of the negative comments too like when you when you posted your you know when you started to post more transparent authentic images of yourself and i love how you have this thing called teachable moments yes and i want you to tell our audience about it because i think so many of us like you don't have to be a supermodel or an influencer or a creator to be worried about trolls and negative comments everyone gets them yeah whether you get one or you get 1 000 or you get 100. yeah and we all get them so tell us about these teachable moments so for me i think the natural like human reaction would be like just to have anger back and and you know what good would that do you know it's not gonna do anything for for me or for the person receiving it so i always like to think of it as like you like you said like you quoted me already a teachable moment because not everybody understands where you're coming from not everybody understands why you're posting a photo that you are or whatever so if somebody wants to write something very ignorant like stop making fat look cool you're gonna kill somebody then i can write a message back saying that well first of all fat is necessary for a body like in order to live and thirdly i'm not making um fat fat also can be cool and if you want to call me fat great i'm not offended by that word you know and and just having this like conversation and like break down what that person actually said because a lot of times that person behind the the keyboard is already so broken we know this yes but i also like to have these teachable moments um like that for the younger generation that's watching because i want them to know you can stand up for yourself and you can do it in a polite way you don't have to say you know something negative and ugly back you can say oh thank you so much for you know identifying the fact that my cellulite is out today thank you so much and it's just like who cares but that's also you know in this generation of instagram i'm so glad i wasn't raised in in and so young in that world because there's so much wrapped up in a double tap there's so much wrapped up in a comment there's so much wrapped up in in the followers and i i always i don't care how many likes i get like that to me doesn't ever bother me i just always want to make sure that i'm replying to some of my dms and my comments to make people know that like hey i see you yes like that's all that matters and um and if they see that i have uh quote clapped back in a teachable way then so be it because i think that that's how we should be clapping back yeah absolutely and and i and i think you do that in an awesome way tell me how wait what are what are negative comments that you get negative comments yeah because you're not showing your cellulite okay no no uh i'll tell you one of the first ones i got which i'll never forget because it was genius i thought it was hilarious so it said like i bet he has a wind-blowing machine for his hair to fly like that oh my god so like someone literally accused me of like by and i was like wow that's such a good idea but i was just outside that was when i first that was like one of the first videos i made i didn't have a team it was one guy with his camera and me it was a super windy day in london and i'm sitting on the on this rooftop and then literally my hair sound was really good right the sound was really good yeah and it's just like yeah so so that was one of them that i got i think so that's something common i get something based on again it's always physical a lot of it's physical exactly and and i'm like okay i can laugh at that that's that's funny that's cool and then often i'll get things like oh well it's easy to say and then again that's a teachable moment too and i'm like yes i know it's easy to say i get it that you're really going through it but this is at least opening the conversation like how much can i share with you in a three to four minute video exactly i'm trying my best here and that's why this podcast conversations like this are beautiful opportunities where we're really diving into so many of these themes in depth yes with someone like yourself who's going through in an extreme way and so for me the three to four minute videos have been windows for people to come into a bigger deeper conversation and so i'm open about the fact that i can't answer everyone's problems in four minutes and i'm not trying to either i'm just trying to start a conversation and that's what my videos were about it's how do we start a conversation about these themes i believed when i started making content i believe that people are having these conversations offline yeah in their personal circles or on their own but no one was having them online right and so i was like how can we urge and encourage more people to feel comfortable and confident to have them yeah so yeah i get those hey haters hey haters yeah hey it's teachable moments i love it but but one of the things i really want to ask you this and this is something i ask a lot of people whose industry or career is based on an external accolade or award in in your case for example getting a magazine cover like you said italian vogue getting a magazine cover is a big deal right for a model it's huge i mean that's kind of proving like progress in one sense how have you stayed in love with the process and motivated every day rather than waiting for that release of a cover to validate how you feel about your career and yourself because because i think everyone today has this you know balance between like process and result process and result and i'm just i'm asking that to a lot of people at the moment i just think yours would be an incredible answer to have because your career is based around an external validation in one sense so the question is about like how do i how do i oh wait where are we going to say yeah no no i can explain it if but you can repeat no but it it's about like the process of getting to that cover and then getting it or not when i meet you and of course i'm meeting you at a time when you have made shifts you are very successful etc but still i i see you as someone who's happy i see you as someone who's content i see you as someone who's excited and bubbly and you know i see all these good qualities in you and i'm guessing that you don't live for the cover i'm guessing that you love life every day i'm guessing i'm assuming that right and if that's true then it's like how have you fallen in love with the process of getting to the cover and not living for the cover and i see does that make sense 100 100 so if you wrap your for me i haven't i can't wrap myself up with of my worth and my work because if you wrap yourself up in your worth of anything you're going you're going to completely fail at it and that's like wrapping yourself up in a relationship or um i mean literally anything so i have been i have made this conscious decision to be 100 comfortable and confident in who i am as ashley and not have the world tell me who i am but know who i am because of how i know god made me because i know what comes out of my mouth because i know what i i look at because i know what i do on a daily basis with the tangible things that i am able to do and there are so many covers that have not come there are so many jobs that i i wish have and and would would and will um that have not but i'm not wrapped up in that because i know what i'm doing is making a change in the world that i'm living in today and um and i think that if i were to be so wrapped up in the the actual process then i would be living in high anxiety every day and i choose not to live in anxiety yeah i love that answer that's awesome because that's something no one can ever take away from you ever nobody can ever be taken away yeah exactly absolutely thank you for sharing that i just i've been thinking about that a lot especially with so many people's lives today that revolve around a cover or a movie or an event or a promotion it's always about this result result result but it's hard to get to that place it is especially in an industry that is so wrapped up in what you do have and what people see on social media and um and it's hard to teach the next generation that as well because everything is about like the look and the glam and the the and and like the behind the scenes and like on and also just like showing literally everything and not having anything sacred and you know none of that bothers me none of that affects me because i know who i am and i know what my mission is and i think it's important absolutely i love how that message keeps coming back through everything you say which just shows how crystal clear it is it's awesome you mentioned there and we spoke about this at lunch about your relationship yes you've been married for nine years nine years ago yes which is amazing congratulations thank you that's awesome i love that i've been married every year is a journey absolutely you're three i've been married for three together and my wife was six okay got it yeah we've been married for three did it feel different after you got married it did it feel better i actually loved getting married it was amazing like i think it just yeah it was one of the best decisions i ever made and i was i was always like i always say this day when i'm like i upgraded totally like life's awesome and that's a good feeling too like you know you did better than you could she's beautiful i can't wait to meet her she's she's awesome she's just great energy she's lovely to be around and she's just she's just a wonderful soul so and i can't wait to meet your husband too yeah we'll do a double date but i was going to ask this because my audience loves relationship advice loves learning about love loves learning about understanding yourself in a relationship with another partner yeah i'd love to hear some of the most incredible lessons you've learned in your nine years of marriage from your partner and from that partnership well something that i've realized with justin is that consistency is key and the more consistent you are with your partner the more trust you're gonna build with them um and i think that also putting them first because when you're in a relationship it's not about you anymore it's about that other person and um and that's something that you know being i got married at 22 and i had to learn that lesson because at 22 you're kind of selfish and justin is so patient oh my i never knew patience until i met justin wow like it is he is the definition of patience that's awesome so i i i really had to understand what it was to put justin before myself and and and i think that the more i put him in front of me the more love and and vice versa the more that he puts me in front of him our love has really grown and then we've just been consistent with that wow consistency yeah which is so underrated it's so under but you know the reason i even like started to fall in love with justin is because he was consistent he was the only guy that i had ever dated that was actually consistent with what putting what he said into action and his actions in his words and how he was consistently calling me and dating me and relating to me like he is such a consistent man that it that's really truly what i fell in love with what a beautiful quality to look out for and that's so for anyone who's listening or watching right now you'll never find that in a clickbait article so you know that like consistency it's such a great value to look for and we all know that you'll only be happy in life if what you think say and do are aligned and you'll only feel peace and similarly with your partner if you're with someone who thinks says and does and that's a line for them too that's brilliant that's that's such a great unique i've never heard that i've never heard anyone say that yeah that's awesome no i i just think that we struggle today to think about what we want in someone again like what you said if you don't know who you are similarly what we want what we want is based on the movies we watch what we want is based on the music videos what we want is based on what our parents had or didn't have right right so many of our beliefs around relationships totally are filling that void i wrote down a list of things that i wanted okay in a man and i was like and it was like my top ten i wrote it down i folded it up put it in a box and then like poof a year later i got it no question write it down it's okay okay but i didn't write down consistency he just came with that oh okay did you take this to all your dates were you like under the table can you imagine right now thank god my mom when she was dating um she definitely had this guy share his list with her and he had he had a little he had a list he had a list and he crossed out long hair and put loyal instead that's awesome i love how they're in the same category oh it's like long hair and loyal that is brilliant i picked out two of the most asked questions about relationships this year on the internet from google so i want to ask them all right so they are the first one is what does a healthy relationship look like that's one of the most google things about that's so funny okay um most healthy really uh what's your opinion no i yeah no i think it's a good question because i think a lot of people want to be in healthy relationships and for me i think that when you and your partner are making each other better you know that song you make me better yeah like that's real because if you're making fabulous neo there we go yeah yeah we're the same age but i think that when you're making each other better and you can put each other first and then at the end of it you can both adore each other like that to me is a perfect relationship because you've in a sense got it all yeah i love that great answer and and we'll play that song some more as well yes you make me yeah and you gotta grind a little bit like grind on your partner i'm just thinking you're fabulous and neo grinding each other no no no no never know maybe yeah um sorry fab listen i don't know either of you no we're not putting that on you uh the second most googled question was how can you build trust in a relationship consistency okay yeah oh my gosh i mean i think trust in a relationship is something that um that is built over time but that you know you talked about how like your actions your words and and what was it your thoughts all have to line up but what i've always understood is that if your action your actions will always speak louder than your words and you can say that you want to do something and not actually do it so if you're doing what you're saying and you're saying consistent with that then you're definitely going to build trust 100 like that's it like my husband and i trust each other so incredibly that it's like sometimes we don't see each other for a couple weeks and it's you know we do a quick check-in text message every day because that's a rule of ours but but that's it like because we just trust each other yes absolutely yeah love is a verb not a noun yes right you have to show it and that's why i think so many people get lost because you can have an abusive relationship where someone says i love you because we think love is a noun been there done that fear or love but you don't feel it and then you can be in a a relationship that's you know ownership like it doesn't it's not a partnership it's ownership like someone feels like they own you but they say i love you and again but when you realize that love is a verb you can then very quickly judge whether someone actually loves you or not and love is a verb y'all yes love is a verb not a noun it's so easy to get lost in just being hearing the right stuff and if we've never heard it before it sounds intoxicating right it's amazing it's such a wonderful feeling to hear that you're loved even if you're not feeling it uh and and i love that way that you're talking about how actions are louder than words ultimately as well that's same point being made there i love that and then the third question i had about that was what's the best relationship advice you've ever received and who was it from i know you probably say your mom so no it's not this time okay no i mean i sadly my mom and dad's relationship only lasted 26 years and i think she learned a lot i learned a lot from her divorce as well but um my grandmother actually told me when i got married she goes ashley choose your battles not everything has to be a fight and not everything should be a fight so if you feel that this is a disagreement don't make it into a battle just handle it right then and there and that's what i choose to do now justin and i don't even fight it's like and if we do we're just like this is what i think no this is what i think well are we gonna choose to disagree or are we going to actually get down to the nitty-gritty of it okay great done and we don't go to bed mad at each other have you ever gone back to bed mad at your wife no no rules too yes it is like the biggest mistake of your life if you do because you you sleep terribly you wake up in the morning you're just like pissed off at everything and then you have to it takes all day to fix it because you've slept on it all night don't go to bed mad at each other people yeah no it's great advice and i love that you said this rules like you said one of our rules is when we're away from each other we message each other yeah we have a few rules i'd love to hear them yes yeah please there's that we have to check in at least once a day yes we don't go longer than uh without we don't go longer than two weeks without seeing each other because that's like for us it's like the the breaking point yeah um and we always respect each other even in a fight if it's if there's if there's a fight that breaks out it doesn't matter we have to respect each other i love that yeah don't feel like you have to hurry up it's fine no no i'm just i'm just watching the time i need to be careful you're like yeah but no no i think that's an awesome answer i i love rules i think rules are really really important and people feel rules ruins spontaneity but actually it does no it doesn't yeah spontaneous sex we're not talking about that like just make rules for and regulations within like the time that you spend together or how you treat each other how you communicate how often you communicate exactly just set standards right setting standards so that no one's let down and i think a lot of us we think that spontaneity and dynamism is lost with rules but actually rules just enhance that it gives you more opportunity to have those and i've definitely seen that in so many relationships that don't have rules that actually just start losing standards and then people end up settling i know or lowering their standards and then it's lost yeah so your standards yeah don't lower your standards absolutely no definitely it's so easy to settle in relationships it is it's really really easy been there done that yeah yeah and we lower our standards when we're lonely as well like i see that a lot today that i see friends who see all their friends are in a relationship and then you want a relationship because your friends are in one and so loneliness becomes your metric of why you want someone then you're just like a serial dater yeah or serial sleeper around her exactly exactly and what you said about arguments is so important there's this incredible study by john gottman and john gottman and his wife i don't know how long they've been married but they're very very very old and i i literally got to see them at a conference we were speaking at and i i fangirled over them because i love their research and and they're both so adorable together but their research from the gottman institute talks about how the number one skill that keeps relationships together is not date nights it's not cruises it's not holidays it's knowing how to fight oh wow like that's the number one skill that keeps a relationship together long term so what you just said there it's like knowing how to fight and i i know we talk a lot about the love languages but something i've been playing around with a lot recently is the five fight languages like what are they what are the fights so we all fight differently like so there are some of us in a fight situation who go quiet and we just need to retreat and we need to hide away and we need to process our thoughts then there's another language where it's like i need to talk this out right now like this is it like we need to have this conversation which one are you out of those two so far or you're not like both okay okay what it is and then and then a third fight language is the language of i need to consult someone oh so people are like i don't like to bring other people into my drawing neither do i but but you hear it often where people are oh i need to talk to this or i need to talk to that another fight language is the language of instant blame like you just start blaming that person straight away like you don't want to take any responsibility for it and of course that's very juvenile yes very but it happens i know i'm sure you've experienced it or seen it look i've done it i'm not gonna sit here and lie to you yeah but like jeez yeah hearing you say it that that's like an actual trade i'm like i don't do that yeah we wish we didn't this is why i i tell people whenever you have an emotion voice note it right and play it back to yourself isn't that and you realize how silly it sounds if you're complaining about your partner or an argument or anything voice note record it and play it back to you interesting and you will hear your voice and then it'll sound like someone else is saying it to you and you'll be like oh because what we do is we take our emotions really seriously right but when a friend's saying something like oh come on get over it right and so when you hear your voice as if it's a friend sharing it with you you can kind of go the other thing that i just uh bernay brown uh was talking about is like what's the story you're telling in your head and when you can say the story that you're telling in your head to your partner and vice versa the stories never line up yes so i was like oh i'm gonna bring that into my relationship yeah i just love that idea exactly because so many people they think so differently totally and that's totally fine too i think we're always looking we're always told find someone who thinks like you find you alike good luck yeah exactly how hard is that good luck finding someone with the same love language too yeah exactly and you don't need to either that's the problem right so yeah it's crazy okay we've got time for a couple more questions i wanted to talk about your partnership with ellen yeah because i'm about to embark on that journey so you need all your your wishes are you shooting soon and experience yeah yeah okay great yeah so very excited about it but you've got season two of fearless yes coming out when's it coming out um so we start shooting fearless really soon and it's just been so incredible because i've been able to go to some like meet people from even cities that i'm from and and and just open up a whole new door that they never thought could ever be even cracked and it's like we're giving opportunities to people who have felt like the underdogs who have felt not even worthy to walk into their greatness or into the ability that that they've that they've dreamt of and um and and being able to work with ellen and her team has been this like incredibly eye-opening experience that i've absolutely loved and just seeing people's lives change right before your eyes is also just oh you've got people in tears it's literally like every episode it's like yeah it's a sound it's like oh so it's been absolutely amazing yeah yeah i've had so much fun you're gonna have great shoes yeah it's been beautiful to watch too i feel like the the emotion that's captured in in season one yeah it's just unbelievable yeah like you're seeing people literally like break down having to fall to their knees or just fall in people's arms and and um you know ricky who transitioned it was that was this like incredible moment he had never met a trans person before in his life and then there's laverne cox and here we are you know giving him money for for his um operations and it's just like boom boom boom it's just it's like it's heartbreaking to see that these opportunities have never been uh afforded to him but it's also just so incredible to see that that we were able to to give him the space to be himself so you know i mean like and everybody's story is just so different that was the one that like that i kept hearing come back though so i'm excited to shoot season two that's amazing i want to go towards towards the end of our interview now but i wanted to ask you a question about you've seen and created so many shifts in the beauty industry which ones are you really happy about that have changed and which ones are you still trying to change well what i really want to see change is that that we don't have to have this conversation anymore that everything is the norm that inclusivity diversity is the norm and i think that things are shifting in that direction but you know i've been doing this for 20 years and i've never seen something rapidly happen this quickly and and it's it feels like this wild success within the fashion industry which i'm i'm so excited for everybody that's been a part of the process um so i think that we need to see more curves on the runway i think that designers once they start understanding that not every model or person or or or a customer is not going to fit into this ideal size or ideal beauty or whatever then then more designers are going to be like oh okay well i don't have to just keep putting the same type of person on the runway i don't have to just keep it in the same type of person in a campaign so i think that that's what i'm most excited to see is like hopefully in the next five years we see even more of a change and you know you've seen the industry change as a model her name is paloma essler and she's um she's been doing incredible editorials that girls women that look like us that have our bodies have never been afforded before and um and there's so many designers like the ones that i had said before christian probable michael that are just giving so many opportunities for curvy women to be able to dress themselves in cool comfortable clothes and uh so yes there's a long way to go but we have come so far which is also so great yeah and i love that you've been such a huge part of that thank you and to be able to sit here and have this conversation with you like i think we should celebrate that because it's going to take i hope that this interview is going to inspire more people in whatever space you're in whatever industry you're in big or small like it doesn't matter about the scale but it's about starting to have a voice starting to make that shift starting to stand up for what you believe in stand up what's important use your voice yeah and that's in any industry absolutely awesome so we end every interview with the final five which is rapid fire quick fire round we do it in pretty big deals you do answers are only one word or one sentence maximum oh god okay yeah so are you ready yeah do you want to wait did we do you want to talk about anything else that we haven't talked about exciting yeah let's talk about pretty big deal because i know we're going to do it when you yeah yeah yeah exactly that's the trade right yeah no yeah that's why we're doing this right like we're only doing this because she's having beyonce no i'm excited so season two pretty big deal um you know when we had our lunch and you were explaining your process of of how you shoot your podcast i was like eureka i've got new ideas so i'm excited for season two pretty big deal to come out and you know i i wanted to start the podcast because first of all models aren't given the opportunity to have a voice and that's that's such news to me is having never been in the modeling industry it's so interesting from a complete outsider yeah like to hear that and be like what how can how can we ever not give someone a voice but i get it you get it we are just supposed to be close hangers and just be there and be pretty wow so and i've always wanted my own tv show and i've always you know felt like you know i'm a personal knowledge like what canardo but you know it's not like people just handing out tv shows so i was like you know what i'm gonna do i'm just gonna go make my own podcast because this is a generation like our generation isn't going home and watching tv anymore we're going we're we're on the go and we're very busy so we're listening to podcasts we're watching youtube and it's something that i was like that's that's my audience i'm gonna go with them and i'm gonna talk to them about issues that i felt very passionate about talked to them um with people that have changed my life who have been inspirational in in my career and in my just my growing up and i've felt really great about being able to um just share all those different stories with my audience yeah that's awesome who are some of your favorites from season one i know it's hard to say but no no no i no i mean i loved every interview duh um but i love talking to noor tagori who is one of my friends that is muslim and she wears a hijab and we really got to talk about christianity and and um being a muslim and like not parallels but like how we as how we came from completely different opposite sides of the spectrum but like that we can have these natural conversations and talk about things that that um that matter to us and and and be able to share so open and honestly and i think a lot it resonated with a lot of people that conversation um i love talking to lily sang and um uh uh lindsay vaughan and amy schumer i mean like you know just just to name a few yeah amazing awesome and they're all that's the beautiful thing that i love that everyone you've interviewed are doing such awesome purpose for work yes like everyone yes on the podcast a pretty big deal is doing something meaningful in their industry and trying to create shifts and ripples which is incredible and that to me is is most important and i always love to celebrate other women yeah and i love the name too thank you you know jessica came up with the name oh yeah he said well you've always been called pretty for a big girl and you're my pretty big deal so why don't you just say pretty big yeah i love it it's such a great name there you go on top of being consistent and everything else i know he's coming up with names that's the dream man yeah he really does he really does i can't wait to meet him but no awesome thank you so much thank you for being here we're gonna go to the final five okay okay here we go question one what is something people would be surprised to find out that you do uh every day um every day oh gosh um gosh i don't know every day or anything okay yeah something that i love to do is aerial yoga mm-hmm like you hang with the rope yeah i didn't know that oh i love it oh wow okay i love it when did you start doing that oh probably a couple years ago oh cool yeah i've never tried it oh it like releases your back it opens your sciatic it's like it's really strengthening for your upper body it looks really hard to do it's so horrible it's so much fun for a second i was like are you going to say no it's so easy no it's not it looks really hard that's why i've avoided it climbing up the ropes awesome second question what's the first thing you do when you wake up um definitely press the snooze button i i like interesting no shame in my game i don't care like but i love to wake up early because i'm all about having that moment those moments to myself so yeah press news maybe twice but that's okay because that's something that's 4 a.m right yeah uh-huh 4am uh question number three if i stole your phone whose phone number would i want to steal the most oh well do you have ellen degeneres's number i do you do [Laughter] i love it i love it i do good oh god i don't know who knows i think my contacts are pretty boring justin probably just yeah yeah we'll do it yeah yeah i just did okay number four what do you consider your greatest accomplishment oh man i always am so humbled when people come up to me and say like you gave me the opportunity just to tell my story to speak my truth to to get into a swimming suit for the first time it's just like those stories that they say because i told my story i'm like are you serious like it still shocks me to my core that that that's something that has that has changed someone else's life and to me greatest accomplishment doesn't matter what covers doesn't matter what anything else no awards nothing like it is those people i love it and fifth and final question what's your favorite prayer meditation mantra that you repeat every day to yourself um so i don't do mantras and like i have my i have my affirmations but for me what i do is i have music worship music and i sing a lot of like old gospel songs um or i love fred hammond and um and i'll sing out loud to myself with myself and i'll praise god all morning and i just it makes me just so happy yeah so that's that's something that i like to do that's awesome thank you ashley thank you so much everyone who's been listening or watching i feel that ashley said so many incredible insights today make sure that you screenshot them type them in share them on instagram twitter facebook youtube tag both of us because we'd love to see what you've learned and gained and grown from in this episode there were countless messages that i was taking mental notes of and i really really hope that you find them as well make sure you go and follow ashley across social media it's actually graham on absolutely every platform that you can possibly find that's right make sure you look out for fearless and season two of pretty big deal as well and ashley again thank you so much thank you i'm so happy and grateful and excited for my audience to hear this really exciting i can't wait for you to come on pretty big deal yeah i'm really looking forward to it thank you thank you if you want even more videos just like this one make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes over here i'm also excited to let you know that you can now get my book think like a monk from think like a monkbook.com check below in the description to make sure you order today

Channel: Jay Shetty Podcast

Views: 423,122

Keywords: Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty Podcast, Jay Shetty Interview, On Purpose Podcast, Jay Shetty Inspiration, Jay Shetty Motivation, Jay Shetty Video, Self help, Self improvement, Self development, entrepreneur, success habits, purpose podcast, Jay Shetty relationships, ashley graham, ashley graham interview, ashley graham confidence, how to build confidence, how to build self esteem, be confident in any situation, success advice, life advice, wisdom, destroy negative thoughts

Id: QeX56uxVRHY

Length: 66min 32sec (3992 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 31 2021