Mr. President, [audience laughter]
Supreme Court justices, [audience laughter] your royal highness, [audience laughter]
and others. [audience laughter] I am so proud to be here in Washington, DC which I have just recently learned is the nation's capital [audience laughter]
and to receive this coveted Mark Twain award, which is the only significant American award for comedy, except for money.
[audience laughter] If, in my comedy career, I have made you laugh once, then I have done my job. If I have made you laugh twice, then I am very proud. If I have made you laugh three times, then I am thrilled. If I have made you laugh four times, [audience laughter]
which is twice as many as two times, [audience laughter] I am ecstatic.
[laughter] If I have made you laugh five [audience laughter]
or possibly six times but I feel like I'm losing you.
[audience laughter] What better time than now to take a moment and recount all the awards I've received
[audience laughter] In 1969, [audience laughter]
I won an Emmy for writing on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour and then again in 2005, [audience laughter and applause] I won the Mark Twain prize. [audience laughter]
But, of course, the Mark Twain prize is very special to me because it is more recent.
[audience laughter] I was first introduced to comedy at the age of six, and this began what is known as my dark period. [audience laughter] And it's hard to believe that my career is still growing strong, especially considering that three years ago I passed away.
[audience laughter] I, I guess that's called momentum.
[audience laughter] When I look at the list of people who have been given this award, it makes me very, very satisfied, but when I look at the list of people who haven't been given this award
[audience laughter] it makes me even more satisfied.
[audience laughter and applause] IůI wanna thank all the performers here tonight who flew in and were so funny, and I am so flattered that they shared their time, and their brilliance, and their talent, and it must be hard to find a dozen people or so who have these kind of skills, who are so accomplished, and yet so desperate to be on television.
[audience laughter] I wanna thank Paul Simon, who is our greatest living songwriterů [applause] and I wanna thank Randy Newman, who is our greatest living songwriter.
[audience laughter and applause] I wanna thank Dave Barry; there is no one on this earth funnier, and I wanna thank Martin Short, who is the funniest person on earth.
[audience laughter] Of course, Carl Reiner is funny,
[light audience laughter] funnier in many cases than, say, Larry David,
[audience laughter] but often Larry was funnier than Carl.
[clears throat] [audience laughter] And, of course, Diane, who, who sang so beautifully, more beautifully ů
[applause] than anyone on the show tonight.
[audience laughter] Well, I mean, Randy sang beautifully; I mean, he sang beautifully, but, but he sang more beautifully than Diane,
[a few chuckles] except that when Diane sang more beautifully than Randy, soů
[audience laughter]
And, of course, Mike Nichols was funnier than I've ever seen him, [audience laughter]
which is just sad. [audience laughter] I wanna thank Lorne Michaels; you know, if Lorne Michaels came to me 30 years ago and told me I would receive the Mark Twain prize one year after he did, I would have said, ôLet me have a hit of that." [audience laughter and applause] I wanna thank my family up there in the box seats, who have made my life so rich, and ů [applause] my secret family in the other box,
[audience laughter] who knows nothing about the other family, so, pleaseů
[audience laughter] And I am extremely pleased to receive this prize in the name of America's greatest humorist, Mark Twain. You know, I'm, I'm laughing at somethingŚa Mark Twain quote that I love, and I wrote it down because I wanted to get it exactly right. He said, whatever you do, for God's sake, do not name a prize after me.
[audience laughter and applause] Comedy has treated me well; it has not only given me the opportunity to express myself in various media but also given me an abundance of funny and decent friends, as you saw tonight. I hope that humor in America sustains in all its forms, from the bawdy irreverence of iconoclasts and satirists to family fare that teaches us about ourselves in a light-hearted and tender way. And it has been a great honor here, to be here tonight at the Kennedy Martin CenterŚoh!
[audience laughter] I wasn't supposed to say anything. [audience laughter] Ohů and I wanna thank all of the people here at the Kennedy Center, and I want to name each one of them ů
[audience laughter]
becauseů[violins start playing]ůoh, gee, I'm out of time, but thank you very much and goodnight. [applause]
[violin music continues until fadeout]
