Madam Speaker,
Mr. Vice President, members of the Congress,
much to my surprise, here we are again
for the third year in a row with this [BLEEP] guy. But hell, what do I know? I'm just a guy who yells thing. So without further ado,
you know him, I hate him, here he is to bumble his
way through bull [BLEEP] for the third and
hopefully last time, the somehow still President
of the United States, Donald J. Trump. Tonight, as you
saw, the president stood before a joint
session of Congress to deliver the state
of the Confederacy-- I mean, Union. And this speech was
exactly what you might expect from Donald
Trump and a teleprompter-- not a great fit. It was a
self-congratulatory speech. In the first 10 minutes, Trump
used the word I more than all of Lenscrafters does
in a whole year. But-- but in fairness
to the president, why should we expect him
to be able to deliver the State of the Union
when he doesn't even know the state of Kansas City? [INAUDIBLE] All the networks, all
the liberal networks, preempted their regular
programming for this. Instead of a new
episode of "This is Us," most Americans spent
tonight going, this is us? Trump's theme for his speech
was The Great American Comeback, also known as GAC, and Trump
boasted about unemployment, about the stock market,
which is a little like the captain of the
Titanic going, yeah, but have you tried the shrimp? One of the funnier
interactions or lack thereof tonight was Mike Pence
and Nancy Pelosi standing side by side not talking to each
other for the whole time, which was kind of rude on his part
because she tried really hard to make him president. And Pelosi and Pence,
they looked like the divorced parents at a-- their kid's graduation. So the president walks in. He comes in. He shakes a lot of
white people's hands. And then when he
gets to the podium, now he's supposed to
hand copies of his speech to the Vice President,
which he does, and to the Speaker of the House. And she reaches out
for a handshake, but that is not happening. First time he decides not to
touch a woman, it's there. And as you can see, the first
lady is, whoa, not happy. Mike Pence stared-- he was
staring directly at the back at Trump's head all-- he just-- it was like he was just
waiting for the right moment to jump on that leg and hump. There were a lot of great
reactions to this speech. In this one, the
president again tried to convince us that
there really is such a thing as a Space Force. Just weeks ago, for the first
time since President Truman established the Air Force
more than 70 years earlier, we created a brand new branch of
the United States Armed Forces. It's called the Space Force. Very important. JIMMY KIMMEL: Look
at those guys. They're like, just keep quiet. Just keep staring
straight ahead. Maybe he'll forget about this. Trump promised he would
always protect patients with pre-existing conditions,
which is something that I will definitely remind him of
when he most certainly does exactly the opposite of that. It really is brazen how he
just says things and then does the opposite of them. He also gave Rush Limbaugh the
Presidential Medal of Freedom. This-- today is Rosa
Parks Day, and this is a medal they gave Rosa Parks. Tonight, Rush Limbaugh got it. And then Trump turned
his plan to cripple public schools into what
was basically a game show. But you know, I have
some good news for you because I am pleased
to inform you that your long wait is over. I can proudly announced tonight
that an Opportunity Scholarship has become available. It's going to you, and
you will soon be heading to the school of your choice. [THEME FROM "THE PRICE IS
RIGHT"] JIMMY KIMMEL:
That's nice of him. Maybe Bob Barker should
be president instead. And then he surprised
an army wife by bringing her husband
back from Afghanistan and reuniting them live on TV. It was like Oprah's Favorite
Things show but without Oprah. This is fun too. You can actually bet on what
Trump would say in the speech. Now these are real
odds from a website. You can bet on whether he
would say the words impeach, impeached, or impeachment. He did not. Another bet was, will Trump
refer to Pelosi as Nervous Nancy or Crazy Nancy? He did not. He really was on
his B-best tonight. But this is funny. This is a first, I think. You could bet on the number
of lies he would tell. And the over-under for
non-facts, as they call them, was 27 and 1/2. And to keep tabs on that, they
actually hooked the president up to a polygraph. Incomes are soaring. Poverty is plummeting. Crime is falling. Confidence is surging. Our borders are secure. Our families are flourishing. Our values are renewed. Our pride is restored. And for all of
these reasons, I say to the people of
our great country and to the members of Congress,
the state of our union is stronger than ever before. JIMMY KIMMEL: Wow, that's-- Senator Bernie Sanders delivered
the unofficial rebuttal to the State of the
Union from New Hampshire. The official democratic response
was given by Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, but
Bernie's was louder, so most people heard that. And for the second year
in a row-- in a row, the official Spanish
language response to the State of the
Union was delivered by this prominent senator. [SPEAKING SPANISH] JIMMY KIMMEL: Well,
it was very well done. [SPEAKING SPANISH] [INAUDIBLE] It was a very long
day for Democrats today. The Democrats somehow
found a way to lose the Democratic caucus in Iowa. Who could have ever imagine
that having people shout out their votes in a
middle school could ever produce an unclear result? But it did. it turned into
a very late night, which was especially bad for Mayor Pete. He didn't get on stage
until well past his curfew. Now he's grounded for the
New Hampshire primary. Part of the reason
it took so long is because this is how they
count the votes in Iowa. It's-- poll is short
for poultry, actually. No, as far as I know, the
Iowa caucus is the only thing that happens all year
in Iowa, and still they didn't get it right. No results were posted
for more than 12 hours after the polls closed
in part because of issues with the new app they
were using to tally votes. Why they used an
app, I have no idea. I watch these caucuses. The average age of
the participants is by my-- probably in
the mid-Bernie Sanders. These are not-- app pe-- for these people app, isn't
short for application. It's short for apple sauce. So what did you expect
was going to happen? The president, of course,
was delighted by this. He weighed in today, tweeting,
it is not the fault of Iowa. It is the do nothing
Democrats' fault. As long as I am president,
Iowa will stay where it is. Were-- was there-- was there talk of moving Iowa? Because-- did Iowa decide to
retire and move to Florida? Because I didn't know about-- this app was made
by a company called Shadow Inc, which was founded
by veterans of the Hillary Clinton campaign. Good idea-- get
those guys again. They did a bang up job
the last time around. They wound out-- and
they wound up having to count the votes by hand. And finally, they released some
results at 5:00 this afternoon. And with 62% of
precincts reporting, the winner of the Iowa caucus
is "La La Land," actually. No, it would appear based on
the still not final numbers that the winner of the
caucus, it will be either Pete Buttigieg or Bernie Sanders. They were very close
[INAUDIBLE] both lead characters from the movie "Up" won
the Iowa caucus tonight. They're still sorting
through the votes, but even though they are
still sorting through votes, we wanted to check in
to see how it's going. And with us tonight,
we are joined by Allamakee county
caucus coordinator Hal Pembroke, who is-- hello, Hal. Hal, thank you for joining us. Hal? I guess we caught
him on his break. Hal, it's Jimmy Kimmel. Hal? Huh? Oh. JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, hi, Hal. Ah. JIMMY KIMMEL: Sorry to wake you. Oh. Oh, sorry. I guess I-- I must
have dozed off. JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah,
it looks like you did doze off a little bit there.
- Ah. JIMMY KIMMEL: You OK? Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK, all right.
Great. Well, wonderful. Where are you right now? Uh, I'm in the field. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK. And that pile of paper in front
of you, are those the ballots? They sure as heck are. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK, so you're
counting the votes in a field? HAL PEMBROKE: It's
harvest season, Jimmy. All the indoors are filled
with corn right now. JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh my goodness. Well, how is the count going? Couldn't be better. I'd say A plus.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Uh-huh? Four stars. Really going good. JIMMY KIMMEL: Well,
I'm glad to hear that. Who is winning your
district right now? That's a heck of
a good question. Let's see. So far, it's Pete booty giggle? JIMMY KIMMEL: Eh, Buttigieg.
- Buttigieg. JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah. He has one vote. JIMMY KIMMEL: Uh-huh. And so far everyone
else has zero. JIMMY KIMMEL: Wait, you've
only counted one vote? Well, how many votes
have you counted, bozo? JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, no-- none. That's not my job. Well, whoop de do for you. You've got a job. You wear shoes.
JIMMY KIMMEL: OK, well, listen. I don't want to turn
this into a fight. Aren't you supposed to be using
the new app to count the votes? Well, I tried the app, but
every time I punched in a vote, a car would come and pick me up. JIMMY KIMMEL: A car would-- oh, I think you're
using the wrong app. I think that's Uber
that you're using. That explains how I wound
up half way to Des Moines. JIMMY KIMMEL: No.
- Hey, what the heck? Get a-- scooch.
Get-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh no. [INAUDIBLE]. Do your job, Wesley! Come on. JIMMY KIMMEL: [INAUDIBLE] Sleep on the job. JIMMY KIMMEL: Hal-- Hal,
do you have any sense of how Bernie Sanders is doing? Oh no, I'm not allowed
to count the Bernie votes. JIMMY KIMMEL: Why not? Conflict of interest. He's my grandpa. JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh. Oh, wow, how about that? Some kind of nepotism deal. JIMMY KIMMEL: I see.
I see. Hey, listen, I'd love to
sit here and shoot the breeze all day, but I've got to finish
this up before the storm blows in. JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, is
there a storm coming? [THUNDER]
Oh wow. They don't call this a
tornado alley for nothing. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK. Looks like she's
going to be a big one. JIMMY KIMMEL: All right. Well, thank you
for talking to us. - Mr. [INAUDIBLE]?
- What? Are you Mr. [INAUDIBLE]? [INAUDIBLE] Hal. Oh, Fernando [INAUDIBLE]
I'm the Uber guy. Uber? Yeah. I didn't order one. But you know?
What the hell. Why not?
Let's go. [INAUDIBLE]
- OK. So long. JIMMY KIMMEL: You
go with the Uber-- Good luck with this.
JIMMY KIMMEL: All right. I'm on top of it. JIMMY KIMMEL: That's
Hal Pembroke in Iowa. Wow. [INAUDIBLE] Sometimes we reach out and give
acting jobs to the community. Thanks for watching. If you like that video,
click the Subscribe button. And if you didn't like it,
well, you hurt my feelings.
