>> Stephen: WE FIRST MET LAST
NIGHT AT THE MET GALA. >> AT THE MEAT BALL. >> Stephen: AT THE MEET BALL. LOOK AT YOU. THERE YOU ARE IN A BEAUTIFUL
DRESS. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING THERE? >> I'M WEARING GUCCI. >> Stephen: GUCCI, VERY NICE. >> YEAH. >> Stephen: VERY NICE. YOU WORE IT WELL. AND WE MET RIGHT AT THE END, IT
WAS LATE. IT WAS, LIKE, 1:00 IN THE
MORNING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT WHEN WE LEFT. >> NO, IT WASN'T. I DON'T STAY OUT THAT LATE. >> Stephen: AND WHEN WE MET
OUTSIDE, I SAID, "I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT." AND YOU MENTIONED SOMETHING
LIKE, "COULD WE-- COULD WE DRINK DURING THE INTERVIEW?"
AND I SAID, "SURE, BUT IT HAS TO BE REAL LIQUOR BASIS DON'T DRINK
FAKE LIQUOR." AND YOU SAID FINE. AND I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO
DRINK?" AND YOU SAID. >> TEQUILA. >> Stephen: RIGHT. AND I SAID, "OH, ( BLEEP ). REALLY? TEQUILA." AND MY WIFE SAID--
>> BABY, NO, PLEASE DON'T DRINK TEQUILA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH. >> Stephen: SHE'S NOT HERE
RIGHT NOW. >> THAT'S A LOT. >> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT OF
TEQUILA. THAT'S A LOT OF TEQUILA. HOLD ON. I'LL TAKE SOME OF YOURS. OKAY, READY? CHEERS. >> CHEERS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MMM. DO YOU WANT MY LIME, TOO? >> Stephen: SURE. MMM. NOW, WHAT TO TALK ABOUT? WHAT TO TALK ABOUT? >> THAT WAS GREAT. >> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE A
GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT? >> I DID. IT WAS-- IT WAS PRETTY CRAZY. >> Stephen: SO FANCY. IT'S SO FANCY. >> YEAH. IT'S SO FANCY. AND THERE WERE SO MANY FLOWERS. >> Stephen: EVERYTHING WAS
BUILT. THEY HAD, LIKE, HUGE THINGS
BUILT OUT OF ROSES, AND THEY WERE REAL ROSES. >> YEAH. FOR SOME REASON I THOUGHT THIS
YEAR THEY WOULDN'T USE THAT MANY FLOWERS BECAUSE OF, LIKE, YOU
KNOW, TECHNOLOGY. ( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: OH, BECAUSE
THEY'RE ANTITHETICAL TO MECHANICAL THINGS OR
TECHNOLOGICAL THINGS. >> THEY COULD HAVE, INSTEAD OF
ACTUALLY USING ALL THE FLOWERS, THEY COULD HAVE DONE, LIKE, FAKE
FLOWER S. >> Stephen: TECHNOLOGICAL
FLOWERS, MADE OUT OF COMPUTER CHIPS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> YEAH. >> Stephen: YOU SHOULD PLAN IT
NEXT YEAR. THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. >> YOU SHOULD E-MAIL ANNA WINED
TOUR ABOUT THAT. >> Stephen: I E-MAIL HER ALL
THE TIME ABOUT MY FASHION ALL THE TIME. >> I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. >> Stephen: THE NEW MOVIE IS
CALLED "A BIGGER SPLASH." AND AS WE LEARNED EARLIER ON IN
TONIGHT'S SHOW, IT'S A GRIPPING, EROTIC DRAMA. >> UH-HUH. >> Stephen: AND IT'S GOT AN
INCREDIBLE CAST. THE PEOPLE IN IT-- HERE WE GO. HERE'S YOU RIGHT HERE. RALPH FIENNES. TILDA SWINTON. AND WHO IS THIS? >> MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS. >> Stephen: IS HE AS HANDSOME
AS HE LOOKS IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH? >> YES. >> Stephen: VERY SEXY. ( SNORTS )
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH, GOD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NO, NO-- YEAH, OKAY. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO, ALL
RIGHT. >> OH, GOD. CHEERS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BY THE WAY, WHAT TIME DID YOU GO TO BED LAST
NIGHT? ( LAUGHTER )
HAVE YOU BEEN TO BED YET? BECAUSE I WENT TO BED AT 3:30
LAST NIGHT. >> DID YOU REALLY? >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. >> NO, I WAS FULLY IN BED BEFORE
THAT. >> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T GO TO
THE AFTERPARTIES? >> I DID, BUT I WAS SO HUNGRY,
AND I GUESS EVERYONE WAS HUNGRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT AT THE
MET, AND I WENT TO PEE-- >> Stephen: THE HUMMING BIRDS
FLY RIGHT INTO YOUR MOUTH. YOU WENT TO PEE? >> I WENT TO PEE, AND I CAME
BACK AND MY LAMBCHOP WAS GONE. ( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE
THE OPENING OF A VERY QUESTIONABLE COUNTRY MUSIC SONG. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS WHAT THE NIGHT WAS LIKE FOR ME. I WENT SPOT MEN'S ROOM, AND IT
WAS FULL OF MEN IN THE MEN'S ROOM, AND THERE WAS A WOMAN IN
THERE SMOKING IN A BALLGOWN. SHE SAID, "HELLO, MR. COLBERT. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF I SMOKE
IN HERE." I SAID I'M IN THE GREAT GATS BY
RIGHT NOW OR SOMETHING. >> IT'S HEAVEN. >> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT
HEAVEN. YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE
BATHROOM NEXT TO A WOMAN HOLDING SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, BURKE. YOU DON'T WANT ANY OF THAT. ALL OF THIS IS GOING TO BE CUT
OUT. CBS WILL NOT LET ANY OF THIS ON
TV. ALL RIGHT, SO YOU SHOT THIS--
YOU SHOT THIS-- TEQUILA IS KICKING IN AT THIS POINT. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU SHOT THIS MOVIE ON AN ISLAND IN ITALY CALLED PENTELARAIA. >> THAT SOUNDED LIKE A DISEASE. >> Stephen: I'M AFRAID YOU
HAVE PENTELARAIA. >> PANTS. >> Stephen: A DISEASE OF THE
PANTS. YOU HAVE A DISEASE OF THE PANTS. LET'S GET THOSE OFF BEFORE IT
SPREADS TO YOUR SHIRT. >> HEY-OH! >> Stephen: WAS IT FUN? YOU GET-- LOOK, YOU'RE WITH--
HOLD ON. YOU'RE WITH ALL THE SEXY PEOPLE
HERE. >> YEAH. >> Stephen: AND YOU'RE ON THIS
ISLAND. WAS IT FUN TO BE ON AN ISLAND? WAS IT AT ALL LIKE BEING ON
VACATION? DID YOU GET TO ENJOY IT? >> IT WAS ENJOYABLE. IT WAS HOT. IT WAS-- THERE WAS-- WE WERE ON
AN ISLAND. THERE WAS, YOU KNOW, WATER
SURROUNDING IT. ( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: YOU SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE REALLY HIDING A SECRET RIGHT NOW. NO, NO. >> Stephen: "IT WAS FINE. IT WAS SOMEPLACE ON THE PLANET. I CAN'T TELL YOU WHERE IT IS." IS IT IN ITALY. >> IT'S ON THE COAST OF ITALY. IT'S BEAUTIFUL. AND THE ISLAND WAS MOSTLY MADE
UP OF VOLCANIC ROCK. IT'S NOT SOFT AND COZY. IT'S SOMEWHERE --
>> DID THEY MAKE YOU SLEEP ON THE ROCK? WHY DOES THE ROCK HAVE TO BE
SOFT AND COZY? >> THERE ARE NO BEACHES. SO IF YOU YOU WANT TO GO INTO
THE BEACHES YOU HAVE TO WEAR WATER SHOES AND CHIME DOWN INTO
THE WATER BUT THE WATER IS FULL OF JELLYFISH. FIGURE THAT ONE OUT. >> Stephen: THIS SOUNDS LIKE A
PRISON. >> YEAH. ( LAUGHTER )
NO, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE BEAUTIFUL. AND THEN ONCE YOU GET USED TO
TYOU JUST KIND OF SWIM AWAY FROM THEM. >> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT THAT
FAST, THE JELLYFISH. >> MMM? NO, THEY CAN GET-- THEY CAN GET
YOU. >> Stephen: THEY CAN GET YOU,
BUT BY ACCIDENT. THEY CAN'T CHASE YOU. IF YOU CAN'T OUTSWIM A JELLYFISH
YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE SWIMMING. >> PROBABLY NOT. >> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU
ABOUT TILDA SWINTON? >> YEAH. >> Stephen: SHE SPOOKS ME A
LITTLE BIT? >> DOES SHE. >> Stephen: SHE'S SUCH A
TALENTED ACTRESS BUT SHE'S A LITTLE SPOOKY. >> YOU MEET HER AND THINK SHE
MIGHT SPEAK SOME SORT OF ALIEN JARGON, RIGHT. >> Stephen: SHE SEEMS OTHER
WORLDLY. >> SHE'S NOT LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: WHAT IS SHE LIKE? >> SHE'S FULL OF LOVE AND
INFORMATION. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YOU RIGHT NOW YOU SOUND LIKE AN ALIEN. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW, MOTHERS. SHE IS MATERNAL. FULL OF INFORMATION. AND THE MILK-BEARING TEET. >> NOW I'M CRYING, LOOK. >> Stephen: YOU'RE CRYING. WOULD YOU LIKE-- HERE, HAVE
THAT. >> A SNOT RAG. >> Stephen: DO YOU WANT SOME
MORE TEQUILA. >> SURE. >> Stephen: DO YOU WANT SOME? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS-- I AM HERE TO SAY-- AND I CAN SAY THIS WITH CONFIDENCE--
THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. >> THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL. IT'S ONLY BECAUSE-. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GOOD LORD. GOOD LORD. HUH. >> I DON'T WANT TO SEEM LIKE A
WIMP, BUT I ALSO HAVE A 5:30 A.M. PICKUP TOMORROW IN
CANADA. >> Stephen: SOMEONE IS PICKING
YOU UP AT 5:30 IN CANADA TOMORROW? YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN NEW YORK
RIGHT NOW, RIGHT? YOU'RE NOT NOCANADA. YOU'RE NOT IN CANADA. SOMEONE TOLD YOU THAT. THIS IS NOT THE C.B.C. >> WAIT A MINUTE! I'M IN NEW YORK. >> Stephen: HOLD ON! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN TORONTO. >> I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN
VANCOUVER. IT'S FARTHER THAN TORONTO. >> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE IN VANCOUVER AT 5:30 TOMORROW? YOU NEED TO GO. YOU LEAVE HERE AND GET ON A
PLANE AND GO. >> YEAH. SEE YA! >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO IN VANCOUVER? >> I'M FILMING A MOVIE. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE MOVIE,
DARLING? >> I'M FILMING TWO MOVIE S. >> Stephen: OKAY, WHAT IS IT. >> "50 SHADES DAERK" AND "50
SHADES FREED." >> Stephen: SURE SHOOTING BOTH
OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME? >> YES. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU UNWIND
AFTER A DAY OF 12 HOURS OF SADOMASOCHISM. WHAT DO YOU DO TO SHAKE IT OFF
AT THE END OF THE DAY? >> I FLY TO NEW YORK CITY AND DO
SHOTS OF TEQUILA WITH YOU. >> Stephen: WELL, YOU'RE
WELCOME BACK ANY TIME. >> THANKS. >> Stephen: THE SAFE WORD IS
"PUMPKIN PATCH."
Yes They Do (Yes They Do)