Sr. Miriam James Heidland, SOLT -The Power of Personal Witness (2019 Defending the Faith Conference)

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so we're gonna talk today about the power of personal witness and really it's the power of your witness and I have a wonderful group of friends and I have a friends they're married couple and they're my age and they have eight children okay and their daughter number seven of eight is five years old and she is everything that I want to be when I grow up can I just tell you that right now she lives out loud that girl lives in four dimension she's just a beautiful beautiful little girl and absolutely love her I've been telling this story lately to audiences and so the mom was telling me this story and she said you know sister when you've been married for a long time sometimes in your communication with your spouse well she's like you wouldn't know this because your spouse is perfect but whatever okay so she said sometimes sometimes in a communication with your spouse you have some things that you could say in certain situations but that probably wouldn't be very helpful okay so she's like you just have to learn like how do you navigate conversations that are difficult so she told me this story she said that her husband during Christmas break decided that he wanted to tear down their old play structure in their backyard they affectionately called it the death trap okay so he wanted to tear down the play structure in the backyard and he wanted to build his kids a really awesome play structure so my friend was thinking we'll go to Ikea we'll get like a prefab thing you know it'll be over in a day or two oh no no no no her husband was like we're gonna go big or go home he went to Home Depot got rod treated lumber he got brackets he got screws and this was a dad on a mission to make a play structure that would last until 2075 pretty much okay so he enlisted the two oldest teenage boys who were really excited to do that for Christmas break so he enlisted the two teenaged boys and they were out in the backyard building a massive play structure for the younger kids so my friend said day one bit went by fine day two day three day four it is day five it's day six now she hasn't seen her husband in six days okay the teenage boys are beyond disgruntled over the fact they just spent six days building a play structure for their little siblings okay and she said and now it's dinner at the end of day six and she hasn't seen her husband and he's been called in to dinner twice already so this is the third time and she's getting just a little irritated okay so she's like I love my husband very much he's a wonderful man but I just all I need is for him to come in to dinner okay like just kids are throwing bread at each other it's like total chaos in our how we just want him to come to dinner so he knows he's been called it in her twice this is three times he knows that he's been outside for six days okay so can you see what's about to happen so she said I went outside we're gonna call him in for dinner for the third maybe fourth time so she's like I took my little girl my little five year old she's like I took my little girl out into the backyard to call him in for the last time she said I know I know usually we've been married a long time I usually know how these conversations go so should we went outside and we opened the back door and she said I saw my husband on the third floor the play structure okay we're talking three stories on the three story she's like I saw my husband on the third the third floor this play structure and we walked outside and as soon as they walked outside her husband heard the back door open and he sees them and she can see on his face he's anxious he's tense he knows okay I know that I've been called in to dinner I know but I'm trying to get this finished so he turns around and he looks at them and he watches his wife and his little girl walk into the backyard and as he does so he turns to them with kind of a look of anxiety on his face he accidentally kicks off a bucket of a hundred screws off the top the third floor the play structure on to the ground in the dark and my friend said now there was several things I'd like to say to my husband at this point none of which would be helpful at all none of which but she said before she could say a thing her little five-year-old girl let go of her hand and began running towards her dad and she ran toward her dad who was on the third floor that play structure and she stopped right at the bottom of the play structure she said Oh dad I'm so sorry that happened she's like we're so grateful that you're building us first we can't wait to plan it we're so happy we cannot wait to plan this play structure we're so glad you're doing this dad mommy and I will help you pick up every screw right now so my friend said okay here we go and they got her iPhone out and she got the flashlight out and her husband climbed it down three stories at the place structure and she said as I watched my little girl speak over the heart of her daddy I saw his whole heart transform and she's like the three of us that night knelt in the grass and picked up a hundred screws and not one harsh word was spoken because the little girl spoke to her daddy you talk about the power of personal witness the power of love you know and I think you and I in our life you know what we've heard so many wonderful talk so far and don't we know like don't we know the journey within the journey that must pass like the journey of our lives and the journey of our story so that's what we're gonna talk about today is like the power of this witness that has that there's a power through the power of the Holy Spirit to transform lives because like I said last night the most powerful gospel you will ever preach my dear friends the most powerful gospel you will ever preach is how you live your day-to-day life and yes we use words and our gospel and yes we were our words but our words must resonate with how we live our life because all of us at times have moments of massive cognitive dissonance where something is coming out of your mouth and as it's coming out of your mouth the Holy Spirit's like don't say that don't do not say that don't say that and it's coming out of your mouth and as you say you're like no and it lands not with the transformation ones with a thud on somebody else's heart and many times you're like I can't believe it just said that or like where did that come from have you ever said something and you're like I have no idea why I just said that or it comes out with like a surprise or that comes out with an edge on it and you're like oh my gosh I had no idea that I thought that and your heart reveals something to you and John Paul the second Saint John Paul the second spoke often I've got him it's best that you know he says that Jesus makes man's supreme calling clear he reveals us to ourselves so we you and I find out who we are we our lives only make sense in the light of Christ that's it so we're gonna talk about your life today and I'm gonna share with you a bit of my story tomorrow in the keynote tomorrow morning I'll share with you a lot more details of my story but I want to offer this to you because when we talk about the power personal witness our behavior our behavior is always always predicated on our beliefs so how you're living your life many times we focus on you know we've had parable of the weeds in the wheat and Jesus says you know a tree is known by its fruit so we see a whole bunch of fruit growing up here and many times we're focused on the fruit we're focused on other people's fruit also we want to pick off their fruit off their tree okay so but we have all this behavior and all this fruit and we're focused on the fruit and sometimes we have to like we go to confession and we take the fruit of our the sin of our brokenness to confession and we have to do that but really also ultimately what happens and we're gonna talk about today is not just the fruit because the fruit is manifesting is because it has deep roots there's a tree growing there okay so let me I'm gonna ask you in the course of this time a series of three questions okay so you can write these down if you want but these are questions that the Lord asks us and these are questions that the Lord asks you and I and I often ask myself and this it's a great thing and these are from the book of Genesis okay so I'm and I will impact them for you as we continue on our way okay so the first question comes from Genesis chapter 16 verse 8 where we encounter a very sad situation of the slave girl named Hagar and we heard about this in daily Mass readings not too long ago so as you know Sarah and Abram want to have it she want to have children and you see the discipline I mean we see the dysfunction throughout the Old Testament after the we see the dysfunction we see in our own families we see it in the Bible so we see what happens that they're promised a child but they become impatient so Sarah I gives Abram her husband the maidservant which he is quite happy to receive thank you very much and so he is with her and she is pregnant you know becomes pregnant and then hey guard the maid shot or the slave girl ends up looking with scorn on Sarai and sorry it's like when this is my house you will not let go scorn on me okay so she treats her horrendously so badly so badly that hagar is in such sorrow that she runs away and she runs out into the desert and in the desert you die there's nothing out there I've never felt like you're in the desert of your life and you're looking around saying where's the Lord and what the Lord does to this slave girl as he sees her like he sees you and I and he sends her a messenger an angel and the angel asks her this first question he says where did you come from where have you come from and the second question he asks there's this and where are you going and the third question so the angel asks her where have you come from and where are you going and the third question that is asked is actually asked by God the Father himself that he asks Adam and Eve in the Genesis chapter 3 verse 9 when Adam and Eve are nowhere to be found and he asks in this where are you so where have you come from and where are you going and where are you now because that is the witness of your life but as the witness of your life and so when we talk about where have you come from I would imagine especially if you come to this conference you're probably attracted to this conference for a variety of reasons that defending the faith conference I know you know a lot about your faith and you're always looking to learn more or you don't and you want to learn more or you want to be around people who are on this journey with you there's a reasons why we come and so I'm sure if I were to ask we're not going to do this but if I were to ask you to give me a theological definition of where you came from you probably could do that okay you could probably tell me that you came from God that you're made in the image and likeness of God I'm one of my graduate school professors he would repeat the first paragraph of the catechist over and over and over and over and over again until we started listening to what he was saying you know and I when you read it in his fullness it's absolutely beautiful but he said this and this is they talk about where we come from and then where you come from so the first paragraph for the Catechism says this God infinitely perfect and blessed it in himself this is so beautiful in a plan of sheer goodness freely creates man to share in his own blessed life God infinitely perfect and blessed it in himself in a plan of sheer goodness freely creates man to share in his own blessed life and then it says for this reason for this reason and every time and in every place God draws close to man and he invites men to seek him to know him in to love him in return okay so let's let's unpack that for a second because this is a direct revelation of where you come from God infinitely perfect and blessed in himself and a plan of sheer goodness which means that you know God's a family of Trinity as a family so we came you and I came from a family and God doesn't create out of need sometimes in our brokenness we take people into our life out of a need to fill our own hearts God doesn't do that he doesn't matter sheer goodness just sure goodness he creates you out of his sheer goodness why why so you could share in his own beautiful life his own blessed life we called the beatific vision so God has no no other motive this is so incredible God has no other motive for creating you right now as you sit here today your life right now as the Esther says for a time such as this he has no other motive none other than to bring you into his own beautiful life he wants to bring you into the heart his heart he doesn't desire to manipulate you just strong-armed you to guilt-trip you he's not trying to tell you something that you don't want to hear or sell you something you don't want to live what God does is he actually creates us and then he Woo's us you see that throughout the Old Testament over and over and over again when God makes covenants with his people and they keep breaking the Covenant and he keeps being faithful and he compares Israel at times to an unfaithful wife and he's like you're unfaithful to me but I'm not as faithful to I love you in the book of Hosea he says I will I will bring her I will lure her I will bring her out into the desert I'm gonna hedge in way so she can't get away from me I'm going to allure her I'm going to speak to the deepest desires of her hearts so she remembers that she's mine and that's what he's doing in your life in my life he's drawing close to you right now right now in every memory in every moment he's always drawing close and I love the way that Senate because God is the divine initiator right God makes the gift he's the initiator and we all only that our only response to him is just a response that's it it's a response to his love so you're here today because of her response to his love and he continues to speak to you and he speaks through the church he speaks through his word he speaks through the sacraments he speaks through our tradition he speaks for many different things but I know very well and I know that you know it too oh he speaks a language just real never had something happened to you and you know that it's God speaking to you and people like how do you know you're like I just know like I just know that's God speaking to me it's like where's my sound weird to you but I know it's God speaking to me and don't families have languages like that we've little nicknames for each other or things that only make sense at a family lovers do that people that love each other they have funny little nicknames you know my mom to this day still calls me munchkin had nobody else in the world can call me munchkin head but that's my mom calls me you know because she loves me I'm her munchkin head always be her little munchkin head you know that's the language of love so he's always drawing close to us which means he's always bringing us on a journey and this is why when we talk about her story I loved father Shawn's homily today can I just say that he gave 1300 people permission to sit in their story and to own their own story I was like Amen brother you know because on our stories feel like that at times I got this person I got this pretty inches it's very biblical it's got that person and that person in that person you know so in our journey like what is your story because you come from God and he's creating you to draw you into his own beautiful life and you have a personal story as well and you know if you love a good story whatever story that is for you if you can think of maybe stories from your youth or stories even now movies that you love are stories that your you know stories have a predictable kind of path you've got a protagonist we've got an antagonist you know we've got some journey we got some obstacle usually the hero has some sort of fatal flaw or some issue or that they have to overcome and it's sometime in the story you know you wonder at some point in the story are they gonna make it and have you ever wondered in your life if you're gonna make it and you're like man I don't know if I'm gonna make it through this one and why stories resonates so deeply with us is because we're part of a good story but part of the best story ever it's called salvation history and every single person this is why Pope Benedict and his inaugural homily as Holy Father he said we are not some meaningless product of evolution every person every person is willed is loved and is necessary right we're not some meaningless product of evolution some casual kind of you know component of just some sort of you know random union of cells each person is willed each person is loved and each person is necessary so in your life this journey that you're on like where have you come from it means that we have chapters like every good story has many chapters to it so if you were to think right now no matter how old you are no matter how old you are if you kind of stop right here and you kind of think of where you are your story but as a lot of chapters to it and some of the chapters are really beautiful and some of the chapters are really joyful and some of the chapters are really painful and as many times that those painful chapters of our story my dear friends that we first of all don't want to admit to and we push them aside and we say things like why I got over that that doesn't affect me now okay there's a wonderful saying that I often say if you've ever heard me speak I probably said this because I say it all the time there's a wonderful saying in healing circles that says this suffering that is not transformed is transmitted suffering that is not transformed is transmitted and this is a very sobering statement because what this means is every any suffering that you've had in your life that has not been transformed by the Lord transformed by His grace and that happens in many different ways that suffering doesn't just go away because what we do children we learned we're very smart as children whoever says like study child psychology how we cope with MECA we have coping mechanisms how we kind of survive life and many times the things that happen to us the foundational like that the beginning parts of our story like Genesis those foundational wounds many times affect us our entire life and we grow up and we call it adulting and we say that we get over it but many times we grow up and we have addictions like I said myself I'm a recovering alcoholic I had an addiction for many many years many years many years in term any years I was trying to be a deal with the behavior I was trying to modify that behavior and it just wasn't working for me it's because I had a massive massive deep root the other root was sexual abuse and that was a story that was never told and I thought that when I got older and I got you know I grew up and I graduated I played Division one in volleyball I wanted to work for ESPN I joked that Erin Andrews stole my job so I became a nun instead and getting kind of you know I thought that the day that I made my vows to the Lord so I've been professed almost 17 years now okay so the day that I made my vows to the Lord I thought all my problems would go away because that's what happens in the sound of music okay so shockingly enough that didn't happen you know and I'm just this is honest I might tell my story lies like the very honest part of my story I was in religious life I've been in like twenty years now so I've been in I was in a religious life for quite some time probably what is a twist well eight about eight years I've made my first vows I was at this mission and I was like something's not right like something's wrong if ever come to stages in your life you're just like something's not right like your joy has been stolen like you're just not joyful like you're going through the motions you're showing up to life every day okay but something was missing and it was at that moment that I realized that there were parts of my story there were chapters of my story but first of all I had never even I never even went to own or look at there were chapters of my story that had never been read so to speak and all I wanted them to do was go away and it wasn't until through the grace of a lot of a lot of suffering just a lot of people and a lot of grace in my life where it was only through those stories it was only through having them read not by myself alone but by the Lord and by people who loved me very much it was only through the transformation of those stories that resurrection began to pour forth in my life and it is still happening even as I stand here before you today and I hope it never ends I hope it never ends so in your journey do you have stories in your life that you don't want to own here's another saying that you will hear in 12-step meetings if you've ever been to a 12-step meeting the saying is this we're only as sick as our secrets we're only as sick as our secrets and many times we're sick we're very sick because we have secrets and marriages have secrets and families have secrets churches have secrets right and isn't that what's happening right now the secrets of the church are coming out and aren't they horrific but they must come out they have to come out because the bride is sick she is sick because she has a lot of secrets so the secrets must come out why is the light of Christ can transformer so that his love so his blood can wash her and purify her so that she can be made whole and that is the same way with you and I so where have you come from in your life what are the Joyful Mysteries what are the moments that one story that I often tell about my mom is you know my mother and I my mother she and I did not get along for a long time and so we had just we hit heads a lot so I often tell mothers mothers or grandmothers if you have you know troubled granddaughters or daughters there's hope don't worry okay that's not the end of the story okay so there is hope but my mom and I one of the reasons why we had such a powerful transformation in our relationship was through one of the deepest sufferings in our life and my dad my sweet father my parents were married gosh like 36 years my dad retired early so he could go and do volunteer work for my religious community okay so they were dead retired early my parents would travel down to our missions and my dad was an electrician and you know he my mom built things and they could fix stuff you know if you give my dad like a gun wrapper and a paper clip he could fix a house with it you know it's one of those guys and so I was in Rome I was very young I was in Rome just starting my studies as a religious sister and one night I was there at the house in Rome and the phone rang and the but I and you know how just sometimes it just I don't know what that is like when phones ring in the middle of the night it's like never good news and I was upstairs and I heard the phone ring and I can't explain it to you but I just had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach but then a few minutes passed and it went away so I was like maybe that's not for me but then there was a knock on my door and it was my religious superior and she opened my door and I could see her face because her face was illumined by the streetlight and she had tears in her eyes and she said sister Miriam your mom and dad are on the phone I said okay so I went downstairs and I had no idea what was about to happen to me I had no idea and I picked up the phone and it was my mom and she said um honey I have to tell you something and I said what is it she's like your dad your dad just has been sick lately but they were at a mission they were literally at a mission doing construction work out one of our missions so they went to this doctor I didn't even know she's like your dad has been sick lately and we took him to the doctor today and I said what happened and she said your dad was diagnosed with cancer today and I said well what kind of cancer how bad is it and she said your dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer today he has pancreatic cancer and that was Fat Tuesday that was the day before Ash Wednesday and we buried him on Ascension Thursday so I came home and I was 24 years old and I came home and it was just my I have an older brother but you know it kind of lives his own life and so I went home and my mom and I took care of my dad and it was something about taking care if you've ever taken care of somebody who's very ill you know that it makes life very clear very quickly and there was something about that where our family secrets began to come out and our lives slowly began to transform because there are some things that my dad needed to know before he passed away and so all of our secrets came out and it was in that time where my dad also made amends to me and he made amends to the family before he passed away and my mother and I were there like the day that he was diagnosed my mom called me on the phone the day that my dad went to Eternity to see God face to face my mom and I were there again today that day and we stood on each side of his hospital bed as he was laboring to breathe and we prayed the rosary and as we finished the hail holy Queen he took three more breaths and he passed away and it was I telling you one of the most beautiful and most sorrowful moments of my entire life and it transformed my mom and I his relationship to my mom now I'll tell you more about my mom tomorrow but I love my mama so much you know and so I go and visit my mom for a couple weeks every year and so she lives out on the Oregon coast and so we usually go to the beach for a couple days and I tell the story often that several years ago we were at the beach and you know in the Oregon I'm not sure like when you guys go to the lake here but in Oregon it's always 55 degrees and raining because it's Oregon like that's what happens there so sure enough it is 55 degrees and raining it's August in Oregon it's and so we wanted to go for a walk on the beach but we couldn't go for a walk on the beach because it was raining so we went to daily Mass and we went upstairs and as soon as we got upstairs I opened this huge sliding glass window was this huge picture window and as soon as I opened it you could just hear the waves crashing onto the shore of the beach and you know when rain first moves and you can smell the rain you know so we're sitting there in front of the window watching the waves and listening to the waves and smelling the rain and we etched we each had these huge cups of coffee which every Catholic knows is a eighth sacrament so we're sitting there with them alright so we're sitting there and we had this moment and I have this moment and I know you've had it too and even as I say this I tell the story all the time but even as I say this I remember as if it happened just today I had this moment and I know you've had it too where you say to yourself I wish time would stop right here and I wish this beauty I wish this intimacy I wish this joy I wish this moment would never end I wish it would never end and it's not a theological term but I call it those are the appetizers to the main entree of heaven when it will never end and do we not have those and I don't know what that is for you if you think of a moment right now I can tell you some of you are smiling if you think of a moment right now where you say to yourself I wish wish it would have never ended those are our stories as Christ harkening to us is him drawing close to us but no matter what has happened like where you've come from my dear friends it doesn't disqualify you from any any area of sanctity any area of holiness any area of Hope because sanctity is not just found in beautiful stained-glass windows in your lovely churches sanctity is found here in this room right now it's not despite of your story well god saves you because even though you had this story got saved that saves you in your story because he sanctifies all things he's present at all times and there's not one part of your story that's outside of his mercy outside of his healing power outside of his ability to weave and to make beautiful san agustin said God would not allow anything to happen to us that he does not plan to bring a greater good out of and I don't know like why does God allow things to happen when you look at yourself like you look at that question of where have I come from you know and you might be sitting here today sans history I just got like books that haven't been read forget about chapters I've got like whole books of books that have not been read in my story ok ok that's fine in Christ is waiting there for you whenever you want to read it he's waiting there for you because there's nothing you know I heard somebody saying a documentary one time he was talking about his own journey and he was talking about how my his life had been obliterated by his addiction and it just was a heart-wrenching story basically you know what he's the one I realized after I got finally honest with my life he said even though it was really really hard and it nearly destroyed my marriage they ended up rebuilding our marriage as an amazing story but he said I realized at that moment that after all that was uncovered the whole truth came out he said he realized that in his soul it looked like a Darin like a desert like a barren wasteland but inside was a seed and he said I realized right then and there that if there's a seed that there can be life because there's nothing so dead that God can't bring something to life out of it nothing whether that's your marriage whether that's your grandkids whether that's something that happened to you maybe you've been estranged from your children for many years and you're saying to yourself my kids won't even talk to me there's nothing so dead that God can't bring life out of it my dear friends we must we must engage our stories so like where have you come from in your life because the whole story has to be read right so we look at where we're going so we talk about where we're coming from is kind of like a trajectory this way and we're always on a journey because stories are always on a journey so you and I are always on a journey so where are you going in life where are you headed what is the trajectory of your life where are you stuck where is God giving you wondrous grace right now where is he bringing life into you're right now where are you where you headed do we know where we're headed I you know I live in you know I live in the great nation of Texas so I live in the southern part of Texas okay so when we secede you join us okay so here we go and I'm totally joking I live in South Texas so I live in Corpus Christi which I highway 37 which goes up through San Antonio and up all the way through Texas dead ends and begins in Corpus Christi okay so you have to really want to go to Corpus Christi you can't really drive by Corpus Christi it just doesn't happen okay so which means to get to Corpus Christi you have to know how to get to Corpus Christi or like any way anyplace else if you want to go to Pittsburgh you want to go to Chicago you have to know how to get there so if you don't know where your destination is how are you gonna get there like where am I going somebody once said you know if I don't know if you don't know where you came from is so great if you don't know where you came from and you don't know where you're going you're going to be easily manipulated if you don't know where you came from and you don't know where you're going you're going to be easily manipulated so we know we came from God and were on this journey and we have this story right and God is the storyteller he's the one he's the hero of the story and he's bringing Redemption to our story and he's bringing meaning to our story and he's bringing illumination to our story and he's also bringing us on a journey which means that it's a journey goes forward one step at a time and sometimes we fall down and sometimes we lay there for a while and just like a beached whale we just lay there for a while and we're not really sure if we when I get up we don't we do but we're not really sure you know I love in the Gospel of John when Jesus approaches the paralytic man you know who's paralyzed and he asks him a question like do you want to be well dudes like bro man been here 38 years you know like seriously at 38 years yeah yeah you know it's interesting do you want to be well that's many of the questions that Jesus would ask me during this story of my life because I wasn't you know I wasn't the Reinhart where I wasn't really sure if I wanted to be well and even as an adult as I'm maturing now it's good that we mature because we mature on five different levels okay as human beings when st. Paul talks about us maturing he says were called to grow into the maturity of Christ so ultimately our maturity is not compared to you and myself and I can look at you if you look at somebody you admire very deeply you'll you will probably admire their areas of maturity like they're their sacrificial their noble their they have integrity they're wise they're good they put others before themselves but they're also very careful to you know to safeguard that their own sanctity within so you look at somebody like that but we made sure what may mature physically emotionally spiritually physically sexually so recalled to be on a journey of maturity which means growth and you think about growth is like a tree so you talk about a tree bearing fruit and you've got a chunk of a tree and then you've got roots of the tree and to have a really mature tree that tree has to have what deep roots it has to be healthy did you know this this is fascinating did you know like I didn't realize this but it's forests like forests trees have like their own language it's not just in Lord of the Rings they actually have their own language okay so in forests come together when trees come together in a forest their roots actually intertwine this is amazing their roots intertwine underneath the soil and the roots go very very very deep did you know that in the forest there are what what scientists call mother trees and mother trees can sense when weaker trees need extra nutrients they will send the excess nutrients of their own tree to the roots of the tree that's sick so to make it strong as trees y'all and I'm saying like what trees whoa you talk about maturity maturity in our life and one of the biggest areas when we talk about you know is it's very similar in to you know when Jesus encounters the disciples on the road to Emmaus is but what I'm asking you now like from Genesis is very similar to what Jesus asked the disciples in the Gospel of Luke because you know the angel says to Hagar where did you come from and where are you going and Jesus what happens in the same journey he comes along the disciples and he asked them a question says what are you guys discussing what are you discussing as you walk along the way so great because what happens there in a hot debate over there in a hot debate over what just happened in Jerusalem and they're so they're so closed in on themselves and they're debating so beyond Amelia or what just happened in Jerusalem that Jesus literally appears in their midst and he walks with them and they don't recognize him have you ever been so turned in on yourself and so consumed by something whether even if it's in your own self-righteousness I mean have you been in an argument with somebody and it ceases to be about the thing and you just have to be right what you know we just become so consumed and we lose all track of like what is good true and beautiful and we become so consumed that Christ comes into our midst and we don't even see him we don't even recognize him so on your journey my dear friends where is Christ leading you on your journey because he's leading ultimately toward himself but we're in the journey is he wishing to bring you life one of the biggest areas of places where you and I are stuck many times our areas of unforgiveness in our life we talk about the Our Father we're gonna talk about that we're gonna hear that actually in the gospel we're gonna hear but the gospel or where you know the disciples go to Jesus and they say to him you know Lord teach us how to pray like John taught his disciples like you just had to pray so Jesus teaches a disciples had to pray and at the heart of that prayer is what forgive us our trespasses that's a very serious thing to say did you know that one of the I do a lot of work in healing ministry and in my own journey might I've been on a really a very very serious journey of healing for 12 years so I know this myself I know it in stories I know it from reading I know it just being around people one of the biggest areas of brokenness one of the biggest areas of staying stuck in resentment and bitterness and hard heartedness and blaming other people for our problems one of the biggest areas that we struggle with is areas of unforgiveness here's another great saying in a 12-step meeting resentment is like drinking a little bit of poison every day and hoping the other person dies resentment is like drinking a little bit of poison every day and hoping the other person dies because I tell you this the person that abused me was that one of the deepest wounds one of them not even though not even the most one of the deepest wounds in my entire life and I remember I remember saying as a young girl I will never I will never forgive you I will never forgive you which is a very dangerous that's a very dangerous about a make move even if you ever made that value could actually in the name of Jesus Christ come out of it and I would highly recommend you do because what that does when we are areas of unforgiveness what we're trying to do is we're trying to protect ourselves so we build these elaborate fortresses around our heart so we talk about where we're going we build these elaborate fortresses around our hearts and it gives us the illusion of self-protection and it's the hard heartedness of self righteousness of self reliance of blaming other people of just you know even sometimes a victim mentality where you know it's like we're always the victim I know cuz I did it all and underneath it was a little girl who was so broken and so angry and I had no idea what to do with it and then anger doesn't go away for me it turned inward and it became clinical depression and there I am just trying to get through life you know and hear him a religious sister I'm still struggling I'm having all these issues and all this problems you know and I realized I realized at one point by the grace of God that after so many years of living like that after so many years as a young girl struggling with alcoholism and as a young girl struggling with promiscuity in a lot of brokenness clinical depression a lot of anger a legislative bitterness and a lot of perfectionism so I had two competing narratives happening one you know on the outside I thought if I was just skinny enough and pretty enough and funny enough and good enough at volleyball good of a school you wouldn't notice cuz on the inside I hated myself and I thought to myself if you ever knew my story what I could so freely share with you now in such a joy if you would ever know my story there's no way you'd want to be around somebody like me and these elaborate self defense mechanisms and after 20 years of living in reserve a lot more than I'd like all these years of living in resentment and bitterness and kind of you know blaming other people all this kind of stuff all these self defense mechanisms after all those years of doing that who was the person that was still sick me and I had a moment I had a moment in my conversion story where I was pondering the the parable the unforgiving servant right where Jesus tells that story where Peter comes to Jesus he's like you know how often do we have to forgive like seven times so many times seven times Jesus like Oh Peter let me tell you story yeah so you know the story very well and I won't my parish missions I usually go which the story much more deeply but you know he tells a story the unforgiving Stewart who I'm forgiving a servant who was the master of lifetime of wages and the master knows that the servant owes him a lifetime of wages and it can never pay it back and I love the words cuz listen to the heart of Christ my dear friends even in the master even in this parable just a story Jesus puts his own heart in the heart of the master the forgiving master where he says moved with pity moved with kindness move of compassion and mercy he forgives the man his entire debt and what happens that servant gets up and he goes out into the other near the household cuz you know slaves had households and they had organizations of like hierarchies of slaves and he grabs a fellow slave aney and it just the visual imagery is beautifully because just choke him it's like seized him and throttle him saying pay back what you owe pay back what you owe me and that man owed him six months wages like the the the comparison is not even applicable to it's not even close to being equal and what happens that servant falls on his knees and he says verbatim verbatim verbatim the other servant had just said to the master but the unforgiving servant is having none of it and he orders him to be sold as family to be sold and the debt to be paid and the other servants in the household are horrified and they go back to the master and they repeat to the master what everything had happened and the master calls in that servant and I'm paraphrasing here he calls the men and he says what are you doing what are you doing you ask me you begged me to forgive you your entire debt and I did it because you asked me to but this man this fellow servant of yours who owes you a mere fraction of the amount him you cannot forgive and that servant says nothing he doesn't say oh my gosh you're right like oh my gosh I didn't realize that her yes you're right so I'm so sorry he says nothing very interesting and in that moment pondering that story I was well into religious life this is many years ago I was well into religious life many years ago and I had a vision of myself in that parable and I can tell you now that I wasn't the benevolent master I was the unforgiving servant and I had that man had it abused me by the collar of his shirt so to speak and I had my finger in his face and men you pay back what you owe me because you owe me you owe me and what I realized right there I was horrified horrified and I remember in my vision I just I backed away I was just so just I had no idea like you talk about things you had no idea what that were in your heart that was the Holy Spirit and in my heart I just released my grasp on that man I was like I can't I can't do this like I can't do this and I didn't want to go back to my addiction that ship it said like I didn't like I wanted to be well because I was laboring under a fundamental misunderstanding of forgiveness because I thought to forgive like we had that silly saying in English as forgive and forget there's no such thing actually you know what it's in the Catechism when it talks about this it says the human intellect it doesn't even have the capacity to forget so to speak but but it says this but with transformation with transformation with the grace of the Holy Spirit that pain can be turned into intercession for the one who has hurt us and I thought you know what if I forgive you if I forgive you I'm just letting you off the hook and you can't be letteth ugh because I can tell you right now to this day that man is not sorry and I've confronted him twice and he's not sorry at all and those are points of our story we have to decide where am I going I do I want to be well so let me ask you this are you still asking people to pay you back for something they can't pay you back for my dear friends what was taken from you it they can't pay it back they can't but when we are willing to take a full account of the wounds forgiveness is not just words it's not just like pretending it's not just saying it actually to forgive is a really crucifying experience because you actually have to unveil all of the wound and all the emotions have to come out the whole story has to be told and it goes down the depths and we know what goes down into the depths is because Christ goes down into the depths because what is he saying on the cross stripped naked he's the bridegroom stripped naked for the bride and people are still harassing him they're still spitting on him they're still abusing him and he hangs there and he says Father forgive them for they know not what they do so do you have in your journey like do you have areas life that have areas of unforgiveness and you know what forgiveness is different than reconciliation but do you on your end and I tell you this as a sister in Christ somebody on the journey with you do you have areas in your story are there people in your life that you can't even stand to look at but you're still gossiping about or that whenever a Thanksgiving like this / certain things happen you know I don't know it was something Aunt Sally said 20 years ago at Thanksgiving and our kids are not playing with her kids anymore thank you very much okay so whoa you know but Christ wants to bring you to freedom maybe today's the day right are there things that are impeding you on your journey because when Jesus says in the Gospel of Luke our Gospel of John chapter 10 10 he says it's a thief that comes to steal kill and destroy but I came in she might have life and have it to the full so what in your life what is preventing the fullness of life for you right now is there something in your life is it a relationship is that a secret is it an area of your life where we are laboring under a misunderstanding of who God is because I love this and catechism 239 catechism 239 says this it says by calling God Father write the language of faith indicates two main things that God is the first origin of everything and transcendent authority and that he is at the same time goodness and loving care for all of his children just so great God's parental tenderness can also be expressed by the image of motherhood which emphasizes God's eminence has is indwelling the intimacy between creator and creature but so this experience this language of faith um draws on the human experience of parents who are in a way the first representatives of God for man but this experience also tells us that human parents are fallible and can disfigure the face of fatherhood and motherhood we ought therefore to recall that God transcends that a human distinction between the sexes he is neither man nor woman he is God he also transcends human fatherhood and motherhood although he is their ordinance standard no one is father as God his father so as the father he's an origin in your life and our you and I have areas of our life that were we're laboring under a misunderstanding of God I know for myself for a long time and you know on our journey like you know we grew up is we grow up Catholic and in our family and but our religion was largely fear-based okay so don't do this I was gonna go to hell it didn't that good you go to hell I mean there are is there such thing as mortal sin yes okay but there was no emphasis on God loves us so here's why we do what we do there's an emphasis on what we're doing but here's why we do it there was not that and I'm you know many times I had this image of God kind of like as the policeman in this guy you know with the chick a book watching me he's left-handed by the way take a book watching me and he is taking note of all of my failures and all of my sins and all my brokenness and you know as I heard somebody once say I just always had the feeling that God was mildly disgusted with me right are there parts of our hearts where and it could be it could come from our stories this is why my dear friends this is why our stories must be made known as are we laboring under a misunderstanding of who God is because see what we learn in the scriptures why we why we must know the scriptures why we must absorb them not just know them here we must form our intellects but why they must come from here to here is that they form our hearts is because it is God constantly telling a story of who he is who he is it's God the Gospels are the stories of who Christ is who God is that he's coming into your life and my life and he's saying to you I don't want to dominate you I don't want to manipulate you like he comes as a baby he comes as an innocent child he comes naked and vulnerable it was I was on the eighth day silent retreat last year and this Jesuit priest was leading me through this meditation on the nativity and he said Jesus he said Jesus comes to earth he comes to us naked and vulnerable because he's showing us how to be human this openness we're often hard of heart he's not hard of heart and he comes and he reveals himself and he's always healing the sick and he's raising the dead and he's touching people he's just getting right in their lives to remind them of who they are and who he is to them and then he agrees he submits to be crucified on a cross the way that shame is a shameful death only slaves and rebels were crucified some Roman citizens were not crucified st. Paul was beheaded slaves and rebels were crucified in Christ's degrees and he's a man like us and all things but sin he's taken on every sin of ours he's taken on every suffering and he is always present because see the beautiful thing as Christ comes into our life and he came into earth two thousand years ago but because God transcends time God is transcendent God actually lives outside of time we call it Kairos right the eternal now so if you can imagine this when we talk about where we've come from and where we're going and I'm gonna ask you my last question here okay so the power of your witness of where have you come from and where are you going and where are you now you and I live in chronological time so right now it is like 4:40 okay in an hour from now it'll be 5:40 tomorrow afternoon it'll be 4:40 only 24 hours from now and you can turn around you can look back on your day and you can say this happened and this happened and this happened okay so all of us who are here now or what's five years old we were once ten we were once 20 some of us were 116 that's okay 78 is Ryan right here we go so we're on this picture of chronological time right so things for it we call it Chronos so things unfold for us in chronological time but see God doesn't live in chronological time God lives in Kairos what we call the eternal now so here's this imagine this for just a second that we are present to God now right now as we are is in this Chapel we were present to God now you were also present to God and he is present to you when you were 5 you're also present to him and he's present to you the day that you leave chronological time and you to enter into Kairos every single moment of your life is present to God now which means that every single moment of your life is full of his respondents which means there's nothing in your life that has ever happened that is outside of his healing power nothing nothing is so dead God can't bring life what oftentimes mitigates against a witness of Christ like what Monsignor Pope was talking about last night one of the things that mitigates it is when our words say something in our lives reveal something different there's a dichotomy between the two and you know we can always talk about that you know can talk about the right words but like the wrong tone of voice like you know it's very even when you're listening many times you're listening to me you're listening on so many different levels right now what your brain is doing as you're listening so when I first stood up before you you were first of all you were assessing whether I was trustworthy or not did you know that yeah so I read a study many years ago that it's actually condensed now but many years ago I read a study that said that 80% of people's opinion of you 80% of people's opinion of you it's made up within the first four minutes that they meet you right 80 percent of their opinion is made up in the first four minutes now scientists say it's within the first four seconds so immediately when you meet me and I meet you your your brain is firing certain things our eyes are looking at each other mirror neurons are being you know produced all kinds of things are happening you're looking at me you're also like trying to into it if I'm trustworthy or not because to trust somebody when we talk about trusting the Lord to trust somebody the definition of trust is to rely upon somebody to be dependent upon somebody and so this is why if you and I don't have a proper understanding of who God is why would we trust him if God is like one a French Bishop once said you know when he talked about original sin the Satan says to us that God is an avaricious self-serving master that's what Satan's lies to us he's already spoken it to you a million times today but he's not a good father he doesn't love you oh really he's so good oh why did that happen to you then oh you prayed that you prayed that your husband wouldn't pass away he passed away he prayed that your kid would get that job you did get that job oh really why it got a lot that to happen to you it's the same lie over and over and over and over and over again so God is constantly revealing of who he is and he's coming into our lives and he's speaking the truth to us because it's his desire what to draw near to us and when you love somebody you draw near to them and it is your only desire that they would draw near to you as well and do we not have people in our lives I know that I do there are people in my life that I would love to be close to that I try to be I mean like I said I'm very serious on my healing journey of trying to become the woman that guys created me to be an open and receptive and honest and forthright and you know full of integrity things like that and I try to be a really good friend of my friends and you know sometimes people will come into your life and they will open in like you your hearts draw close together but you have people in your life that you just wish that you knew them or you just wish that they would share with you and they just won't and you're like and you can't violate that you can't manipulate it all you can do is draw close and just have an open heart and just wait and I say to myself man I'd like you a lot like you're so awesome I would still want to know you like I would love to be a closer friend be back I would love to know you like can you just you know and they're like no and you're like all right I miss you you know and it is the same thing with us that God draws close to us he draws close to us with no other desire my dear friend than to bring you into his own beautiful life He desires to forgive you to heal you to speak to the deep places he desires to heal your relationships to melt our heart nests of heart to heal us of addictions to heal us of our self-righteousness to heal us of all the ways that make us less human because Jesus Christ is a man fully alive and when we allow him to do that people ask me all the time they ask me all the time sister Miriam what is the one thing I can do to make my marriage better what is the one thing I can do to be a better coworker what is the one thing I can do be a better parent what's the one thing I can do to be a better grandparent like what's the one thing I can do and I say this to them and I'm saying it to myself as I'm saying it to you and I'm not being platitudinous at any by any means and I will always say the best gift the best gift you can give to your spouse to your children to your grandchildren to your co-workers the best gift you can give them is to allow Jesus Christ to come and heal you every day to have a daily encounter with the Living Lord Jesus that is the best gift you can give to anybody else because as we allow him to transform us then we're not transmitting our suffering onto them and yes and our brokenness we will say we're sorry and we both have to say well we'll say I love you we will say thank you we will say please we will do all these things but what happens is an out and I'm not transmitting on my suffering to them what happens is I'm passing on to them a transforming grace and all of us become a little bit more human through that process so my last question to you is from Genesis chapter 3 verse 9 where it is the breezy time of the day and I love that imagery as well where God walks with Adam and even the breezy time of the day and it's the breezy time of the day and they're nowhere to be found and he goes in search of them and I think we have to be very very careful about assigning a tone of voice to God okay so like we talked about even as you're listening to me you're listening to my words but you're also listening to my effect you're watching my body language there's a whole bunch of things happening here when you're listening to me and so is the same when God speaks to us there's a whole bunch of things happening and as he comes to Adam and Eve he knows what has happened and he's drawing close to them like he's drawing close to you and me and he comes to them and he asks them this where are you where are you that's a great question because sometimes I ask God where he is but he doesn't need to be asked where he is I like I need to know where I am and he comes to me he's like my bride where are you I'm like dude I have no idea where I am right now could you come I think I'm off in the weeds somewhere like I have no idea all right could you come find me because I need to be found and he comes so he says where are you because our temptation like I'll crust I was talking about today when he was talking about this very story I love how the Holy Spirit weaves talks together this very story our first temptation my dear friends is to hide so if I'm talking to you today and you're hearing things and you just want to hide it's okay like that's very normal we're like oh I don't want to look at that okay okay but the Lord comes to them money says where are you where are you and you see that so often with little children and run a daycare for many years at a Catholic school in Seattle and you see them with me with children you know I spent many hours of my life I was there for eight years and I was studying for a master's degree in theology at that time and things like that I've spent many hours of my life many hours of my life people putting Barbie heads back on Barbies okay that I meant I I but I have a master's degree in putting Barbie heads back on can I just say that so I would go and every day after it barked like wow why are people ripping heads off Barbies I have no idea so I would spend I'm putting heads back on the Barbies okay put all the heads back on put some clothes on I know what's happening there okay so but all the girls back together looking good girls okay heads on right so I would go over to the registration table and start signing kids in by 3:30 I see like a bunch of girls like a bunch of girls gathered like in a big circle you know something happens and all of a sudden they scatter and there's heads all over the floor and they're nowhere to be found there's just bunch of heads and I would find one of the girls to be like hey what's what's happening here oh I don't know sister oh my god that's really interesting because I just spent 20 minutes putting all their heads back on so I know that they were head they had heads 20 minutes ago like I know that cuz I did it you know so can you tell me what happened I have no idea how that happens I'm like I just find that hard to believe like I just not believing it right now like you're totally making that up and you're hiding so get over here put their heads back on okay so you know but that is our first temptation is to hide that is our first temptation to hide and please notice that God the Father doesn't go to them and he doesn't go to you and me he's not like where are you oh he's so good to us he comes like where are you where are you and in your life today my dear friends wherever you find yourself whatever is happening in your mind right now let me just ask you this because the father is asking it of you where are you cuz I want to meet you where you are wherever that is in your story I want to meet you there and I'm not afraid he's like I'm not afraid I'm already there and I want to meet you there so would you let me would you let me meet you there cuz that's what he delights to do and when we allow him in these stories when we allow him in these memories he's already there but when we allow him to transform it what happens my dear friends is our life take on a vibrance our lives take on a vibrant psyche I said to you I'm a nun today one of the reasons I'm a nun today is because the witness of a very holy priest and I had never met anybody in my life that was so sold out for Jesus Christ as that man and he had a story himself he wasn't perfect nobody's perfect but man he loved Jesus Christ and he was funny and down-to-earth and he would tell me the truth whether I wanted to hear it or not he told me the truth in season house even he saw me as I was he came to the garden so to speak saying where are you like don't you want more than that what are you doing with your life don't you want more than way or suddenly for you were totally said it linked God loves you and he's calling you to something great what are you doing with your life and I had a distinct I have many times when he would look at me I would see Jesus Christ himself looking back at me and there I was 21 years old a girl like he'd been a priest a long time and he knew what was up but he pursued me and I remember his standing one day looking at him saying it was like giving up like there's a lot of things in my life that I doubted I didn't trust anybody I didn't trust anything and there was a lot of things in life that I was like I don't if I want about anything to do this but I could not deny the power of his witness because for better and for worse and for all the chapters of his story all the transformation men he lived an integrated life and when he lived an integrated life Christ love was radiant from him and I looked at him one day like I told you last night I looked at him one day and I was like I don't know what I don't know what's going on here like he was radiant I said I don't know what's going on here but I want that whatever this is I want that and he said that's the love of Christ I said well I want that so let's do it and that was over 20 years ago so in your journey my dear friends this area personal witness it's not a formula you know we when we talk when we must develop you must develop a story that's very true what Monsignor Pope is saying very true okay of what God is under like where we come from where we're going where we're now but and in that on a much deeper level while also bringing the Lord into the roots of our story because like we said he's already there and he's saving you in every chapter of your story so if it's okay with you we've got a few minutes left can I just pray with you is that okay all right so I'm gonna be just pray with you real quick okay I'm just gonna ask the Lord to speak to you okay because I know that you've been drinking out of a fire hose for like an hour so I'm just gonna ask the Lord to speak to you so I just ask you Lord Jesus right now that for all of us you would bring to mind one part of our story that you wish to speak to I just would invite you not to censor that I just asked you Holy Spirit just holy sprit bring to each one of us a part of our story that you wish to speak to maybe it's an area we've been trying to hide or something we don't want to think about it's okay you're safe here it's okay so just ask you Jesus right now there for each one of us would you bring to mind a part of our story that you wish to speak to and as you call that to your mind and to your heart what does it feel like to even think about it maybe it feels heavy maybe it feels joyful I don't know but what does it feel like to even bring that part of your story to mind and as you call to mind that part of your story could you imagine just Christ sitting in front of you and he's so kind and could you just imagine him looking at you as you hold that story in your heart his face is one of kindness and concern and compassion and attentiveness and if you'd be willing and only if you're willing would you be willing to kind of in a sense take that story out of your heart and hold it in your hands in front of you just that one thing what's the one thing just kind of hold that maybe it's a relationship maybe it's some memory maybe it's a secret maybe it's a hope or a dream or an ache but would you be willing in your heart in the silence of your heart to kind of hold that memory in front of you and your hands and maybe that feels scary and what does it feel like to hold it in your hands in front of you and look at it maybe outside for the first time and Jesus wants to say something to you about it so Lord Jesus what do you want to say to each one of us right now about that because he loves you because he cares where you came from and where you're going and where you are right now and his desire is to bring you to be fully alive if you'd be willing Jesus would just like to gently take that from you now and place it in his own pierced heart and if you're not ready to surrender it that's okay as soon as that can be scary but if you'd be willing he would really like to do that for you so could you imagine yourself just maybe opening your hands just a little wider and watching him with his pierced hands the hands of the king or the hands of a healer and he's gonna take that from you and place it in his own heart and if you're willing if you would allow him to he would like to place his divine hands on your heart would you let him place his hand on your heart words broken and your heart where it aches or where there's deep joy would you allow him to place his sacred and healing hand on your heart and he's gonna speak to you as he does that so Jesus I just ask that our hearts will be open please place your hand on our hearts and speak to us right now what do you want us to know about who we are and who you are in Lord I pray that the heat from your hands would melt our hearts I pray for a blessing on every single one of us right now Lord I pray that you would give us the courage to face the unread chapters of our story and bring them to life I pray for healing and marriages healing and Families Lord I pray for hearts to be open and turned toward you I pray for new life to be poured out upon each one of us right now and I pray for the oil of gladness and deep courage and joy to be poured out upon us and lord I pray is that you call us to be your witnesses of your goodness of your mercy of your fidelity that you would write your story in every chapter of ours that we would always find our home in you give us the grace to say yes to you just one more step today and we thank you Lord and we praise you in Jesus name Amen my dear friends you are deeply deeply loved and God is writing his beauty in your story so all you have to do is just open your heart and say yes just one step at a time thank you so much for being here god bless you

Channel: Steubenville Conferences

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Keywords: Steubenville Conferences, Catholic, Franciscan University, Catholic Ministry, New Evangelization, Youth

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Length: 65min 28sec (3928 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 27 2019