The Gaze That Beckons: Following Jesus Wholeheartedly | Sr. Bethany Madonna, S.V. | SLS20

[Music] and preparation I've been thinking so much about my own journey and I was remembering when I first started to open myself up to the possibility of religious life after my freshman year in college I was just coming out of a dating relationship and I felt like the Lord had something to tell me it seemed very clear that he was trying to get my attention and in order to keep me from distractions I felt like I shouldn't be looking for new opportunities to date you have heard of dating fast being bi focus missionaries well that language seemed rather harsh to me so I thought what about what about a season of singleness you know because seasons come and seasons go you know and it'll be like bye-bye season of singleness you know so I decided if I have to be single I'm going to Italy yes that's right if I can't have romance I'm going somewhere romantic the cafes the Piazza is the gelato the Saints so my sophomore year I signed up and I was off to Italy we arrived at the program with my rather secular liberal University and we're met with shocking news ladies we owe you an apology we overbooked the dorms you won't be staying with the guys but 30 minutes away and a convent unfortunately the sisters have a 9:00 p.m. curfew we're so sorry I think I got to watch all the stages of grief and in one moment I mean first a shock then there was denial and then came the rage see most of the girls I was with they were not Catholic so someone was like did he just say we're staying with nuns and like another girl was like I haven't had a 9:00 p.m. curfew since I was in third grade total meltdowns I mean it was it was incredibly ugly and I felt a lot like Jonah now if you remember the story of Jonah but God asked Jonah to preach to the Ninevites and he was like no way I'm out of here and he like hops a boat tries to get away and a huge storm comes up and all the sailors on the boat are like and Jonah's like they're like you throw him off and then the fish comes so all the girls like I was like this is crazy we should get our money back I mean well secretly I knew it was all for me and everyone else had to pay so I just don't want anything that violent to have to happen to you and that's why I'm glad you're here this afternoon we're gonna cover several topics including first the deepest desire of the human heart is for spousal love second living spousal love in the consecrated life and third practicals for discerning your vocation so first we're made for spousal love John Paul the second said spousal love it is this kind of love in which a person becomes a gift for the other we are made in the image and likeness of God who is Trinity a trinity of love a communion of persons we long for love and for life-giving Union because this is our origin and our destiny and we were made for this spousal love to know that I am a gift and that my love is good and to make a gift of myself freely and totally to another who receives me and responds in kind everything about you is unique totally unique not only your fingerprints and the sound of your voice but the love of your heart it is yours it is distinct only you can love with the love of your heart and God knows how he made you for holiness for happiness how you will find yourself in the gift of yourself at last was Adams exclamation when he saw his wife Eve who received his delight and gratitude and Wonder vocation requires personal preparation and it's long before one is confirmed in either vocation I begin to make the gift of myself now in the choices that I make and the way I allow myself to be formed all of this will make the gift more glorious when it is revealed where my love will be given to enter into either vocation is to follow God's will for my life and so this all takes place in conversation with him surrendering to him trusting him so first the desire for marriage father Timothy Gallagher a moment of silence at the man's name is a master on prayer and he has a book in a podcast on discerning God's will he mentions that marriage is the natural vocation and so at a certain point those called to the priesthood or to the religious life will feel attracted to both simultaneously that that's normal so be not afraid I remember feeling like I was going crazy I would walk into an empty church and I'd sit down and I'd look to the right and there I was with my husband with an infant in arms and our stars like stair-stepped children you know Peter James John Paul Thomas Phillip fourthly I looked to the left there wasn't a habit kneeling a member of every family I wanted both but I knew that I could not have both to give up to sacrifice to surrender the greatest natural goods this requires a tremendous act of faith and that's why it's so fruitful because it's a real offering we want to look it in the face no one would want to choose to discern religious life out of fear or avoidance or to escape there should be in the heart a healthy desire for marriage for family for children and if that desire is absent or is muted ask the Lord for healing in that place of your heart invite him in the same thing is true if there's fear of intimacy or commitment or that you're actually experiencing relief at the thought that you might be called to religious life like wouldn't have to worry about all that I would look at that with Jesus you know being called to a religious vocation isn't something I can orchestrate I can't take it on myself out of a sense of duty and I can't even like choose it for the sake of excellence like I want the holiest vocation no rather it's presented to a soul as an invitation it's offered as a gift to which I make a free response with His grace and I accept with a wholehearted yes and respond now there are some sensitive Souls being a vocation director I've gotten to hear so many it's a privilege to hear so many stories but I know that there are sensitive souls who feel obligated to answer a call to religious life they haven't received perhaps you were told at a young age that you were going to be a sister or that you're the priest in our family you know I've this or maybe an elderly person saw you making a lengthy Thanksgiving after Mass and they felt compelled to tell you your vocation it felt like a prophetic word and they had to share it and then it would seem gosh the dreadful lot fell on me you know well God if you want my misery fine I'll be a religious obviously it would give you pleasure to take away everything that constitutes happiness in my life [Laughter] at the same time I kind of see why you would pick someone like me no one else seems to be responding to the call and I'm the kind of person who gets pegged with this kind of stuff sound familiar and let's say if you actually do feel called to marriage as your vocation there is no need to feel guilty about not being drawn to pursue religious life I've heard this frequently like I just feel so guilty that I think I need to be married because I'm like telling God he's not enough Wow is that what the vocation proclaims why would God call most of his children to a vocation that proclaims he's not enough marriage is the image of the life-giving love of the Trinity marriage is the image we have of Jesus's love for his bride the church and perhaps that's why it's so attacked right it is a radical path to holiness I had a friend who shared several years ago with me that she was married and a certain point the Lord brought her deeply into contemplative prayer and she was scared that she had discerned the wrong location she was like oh my gosh I bet I had a religious vocation so one day she was in adoration closing her eyes and she could see her husband in front of her smiling and as he approached her he put his hand to his face and he moved it and it was Jesus's face and then suddenly he moved it back and it was her husband's face again and she heard Jesus say do you understand and she understood his meeting was when you love your husband you are loving me marriage is not a default vocation you were called to the vocation of marriage secondly spousal love in the consecrated life one of our sisters was walking across her campus late one night and she said she felt so drawn to the chapel it was like it came to her she found herself kneeling in the dark with only the glow of the red Tabernacle light in front of her and she was there by herself but she knew she wasn't alone in that moment of silence she said she felt her heart meet Jesus's heart and they locked like magnets the experience of being looked on with love of being loved by Jesus in a way that is so total that knows me so totally there's this recognition in the heart of the one called that I'm being loved in a way that states something I'm being loved in a way that is asking me a question Jesus's look of love is a beckoning look follow me and in that follow me is contained a question will you love me will you love me with the love that you have saved for a husband or a wife would you love me with all of your unique love will you give me your whole heart your affections your possessions your will Jesus as a person a living person with a beating heart he's not an idea no no one who's called to the consecrated life is doing it for the sake of like doing a special job no one you know gives up marriage for a special job like like an artist a writer might do that so that you can really focus your energies no it's about letting a real person love you with all his heart and about loving that person with all your heart it's a total dedication it's this mutual spousal relationship and your heart is claimed and you know it the woman our man called knows that he or she belongs to someone and that that someone belongs to him to her in a particular way a forever way total and complete this is the marriage that every Christian will experience in heaven but this vocation asks us to let go of what is good but passing even now and that's why the consecrated life is not a sacrament it's not a sacrament because it never passes away it is a call to live now the marriage Feast of the Lamb that we will all live in heaven and in living that reality on earth to be a sign of hope for souls one of our sisters was working in the Silicon Valley for Apple she had a great job a wonderful group of friends but she increasingly felt Restless what is missing her apartment was near to our perpetual adoration Chapel and she found herself visiting there more and more frequently and one evening after work wrestling with her dissatisfaction she walked into her apartment and she looked around everything she'd worked so hard to obtain the furniture the paintings the accessories the gadgets she heard a little voice say you couldn't give all this up you'd be so ungrateful think your parents your education all your gifts so many people would give anything to have what you have you have the world at your fingertips she knew where that voice was coming from and what the suggestion was saying and she responded definitively I don't want the world I want heaven so to be with him means that he wants me with him and everything and he knows who I am we have a convent right next to a grade school in the Bronx and although we're not teachers sometimes the teachers invite us over to like have recreation you know and lunch with the kiddies and I mean who can resist the tater tots seriously it's just wonderful and then and that you know the basketball hoops are like yay high so like sisters are slam dunking I mean Jesus makes all your dreams come true and one day one of these little girls a kindergartener just kindergartners are very special you know they don't have a sense of what might be an appropriate or an inappropriate question to ask sister one of them just looks at sister goes so what's on your head it was like the whole table was like like everyone was like somebody asked and sister starts talking about brides and weddings and it's getting kind of rather confusing and so she finally says so I wear a veil because I'm married to Jesus and is only a Bronx five year old can she stands up puts her hands on Damon goes he chose you you don't think I don't ask myself the same thing every day but he chooses us it's his prerogative to make that choice Jesus knows us he knows our weaknesses our vulnerabilities our sin he knows the ones that he chooses it's incredible that such simple elements consecrated to Jesus become his very body in blood you look at the bread and the wine the consecrated religious and dedicating his or her life to God and then being consecrated is like the bread that's broken and the wine that's poured out he or she becomes a living host in the hands of Jesus offered in union with him to our Father by the power of the Holy Spirit for the redemption of the world and it costs right every vocation passes through the cross at final profession it's a tradition that the religious lies prostrate on the ground during the singing of the litany of saints and this is to symbolize the real death that is taking place I am dying to myself and I am dying to this world and no one takes my life from me I lay it down freely one of our sisters are sharing the story of how she came back for a visit to the convent after she was already an application to enter she said the rose-colored glasses were off and it was like she could see clearly the demands and the sacrifices she would have to make in the coming future I mean prior she sensed there'd be an adjustment it'd be kind of a transition but this time she could taste the renunciations so she pulled a seasoned sister aside seeing that she seemed to be a wise and experienced sort and she shared her concern she said sister I'm just noticing that in religious life there seems to be well there's death sensing death and I was just hoping you could speak into the death thank you and sister got this thoughtful look and she answered it's a thousand deaths every day I don't want to wake up right now I want to sleep in I don't want Cheerios I want flavored yogurt and a bagel and I want to eat it in my car I don't want to sit by her I don't want to put my book down and go to prayer it's just getting good but you know what I do I rise and I make my morning offering I eat the Cheerios because it's what we have it's what God provided I sit next to that sister because I love her and God chose us to live this life together I put the book down and I get myself to that Chapel because Jesus is calling me to be with him what comes from these thousand deaths offered and United to Jesus is a greater joy than I can have in any other circumstances I know on a profound level that I am NOT alone and that I'm free and the one who's with me is the Lord Himself the source of all joy there's a beauty to this there's something divine about this there's something exponential that happens I think of the spiritual fruitfulness of this gift I remember when I just had made my first vows and professed them right afterwards I went to a focus summer training and my sisters and I were split up and so I was alone in a woman's small group and they kind of all like turned on me and I felt very vulnerable and they started asking me intensely personal questions about my experience of being Jesus's bride and I just felt very embarrassed and unsure of my boundaries and I kind of clammed up and it was incredibly disappointing for them because I was answering with very generic responses and as we were walking back to campus I felt this gentle stir in my heart and the Holy Spirit and I sense Jesus asking me gently why didn't you tell them that you experienced my love as spouse it's okay for you to share that you can talk about that now just so they know if there's any marital discord we all know whose fault it is and so I was like I'm sorry Jesus and I'm kicking myself and I'm like wow what a lost opportunity and then suddenly as they're walking back I hear this huffing and this heavy footsteps turning behind me someone's chasing us I'm like oh my glory and I turn around and there's there's a homeless gentleman is is rounding the bend to get in front of us he's like stop stop and we're like are you okay what's happening he's beautiful he's like tanned by the Sun his hairs a wreck his jumpsuit is like totally totally filthy and he's like just stop wait I always wanted to know what's his sister I was like Jesus I couldn't believe my eyes I was like what's your name I was like Timmy like well Timmy a sister is a Bride of Christ she loves him with all that she has and all that she is that she receives everything from his heart and his sister is a mother of souls she loves every person as if they were her own child of flesh and blood and with a big smile Timmy goes that makes me yours I was like you are the biggest manchild that I have and looking upon him I loved him he was like sister do you know what it's like to be an orphan he'd lost his parents when he was 4 and had had an incredibly difficult life I said I can't imagine how much our Heavenly Father and Blessed Mother love you can we pray together can we pray that we'll live in such a way that we'll be together in heaven forever the same table and so that group of girls joined me and we all held hands and we prayed yeah to be called the consecration to be called to be a religious is to be called to be a sign for all the baptized to see a sign of the life to come what they too will be on the other side it also means to be available so even hearing our names sister brother just hearing my name reminds me of my relationship to you my relationship to Christ that we've been entrusted to each other that were family and how many are waiting for this sign to see how loved they are by God how many are waiting for a yes to them that goes beyond natural family bonds it's pure love its virginal love it's not possessive and yet I belong it's pure maternity or paternity it's birthing hearts Souls love so let's look at some practicals practicals to discerning a religious vocation the very first thing to do is to open your heart to open your heart and open your hands to ask yourself the question am i truly open have I surrendered my plans what my parents would think my fears if you sincerely spend time with Jesus if you sincerely open your heart to him if you sincerely ask these questions and surrender these desires one by one he speaks he will speak to you mother Clare Matthias CFR she wrote a book entitled discerning religious life and she gives a great image of how impatient we are in our discernment she says at the end of a first date a woman would never grab a guy by the shoulders and be like hey are we getting married or what cuz he'd be like oh my gosh I don't I don't even know forget about a second date know what I what to make of you it's funny to see it in that context but most of us and I include myself we want the Lord to answer our questions stat you know like a Google God or a Siri Savior doesn't work like that does it no you know why cuz jesus is alive he's a real person a living divine person with a beating heart who wants to come to know us and wants to have us experience that he knows us deeply but he's good that he has good things for us that he can be trusted so I want to spend time with him I want to come to know him I want to give him permission to reveal his knowledge of me that he knows my desires he gave them to me he knows my family he knows my gifts and the joys that I experience he knows where I've been he knows what I'm struggling with he knows my hopes and my dreams and this takes patience and humility to surrender and to submit and the Lord meets us where we are and he wants to hear our hopes and our fears and our desires and our struggles because it's through these very realities that he's leading us so be honest with him and be honest with yourself what do I desire what are the deepest desires of my heart what am I most afraid of really so first and foremost I would say setting time aside daily for silent prayer 15 to 20 minutes would be ideal if you have to start with five and build up to that fine it's carve time out and spend it let it be protected timer the phone is off music is off you're in a place where you won't be interrupted read the Mass readings journal just place yourself intentionally in his presence do it right now close your eyes right now and place yourself under the gaze of Jesus imagine him looking at you the Trinity dwells within us you're never alone we can always go into our inner room and be alone with the father in secret create spaces for silence and for welcome so even when you're not praying be open to hearing the voice of Jesus so limit your distractions go unplugged during your run or during your commute and open up a space where the Lord can speak and you can be together receive the graces of confession more frequently it actually unclogs things literally if you go to confession monthly you can actually feel the strength that comes from that sacrament not to commit that sin again and especially if you get a regular confessor because then you know you have to tell the same priest spending time and adoration Jesus is so humble he's so humbled to put himself before us in adoration and let us love him there and be loved by him there if you've never read the Gospels start start there read the Gospels all the way through what did Jesus say what does he like how does he respond to things make time for daily Mass when possible another sister was telling me that before she entered she was complaining to her spiritual director about how her relationship with Jesus just seemed stagnant she was like it's going nowhere I don't know what to do and her spiritual doctor posed the question well if you were in love with someone how often would you see him I mean for an hour on Saturday night or every day she was like I see him every day obviously he's like well how often are you receiving all the communion once a week well see what happens when you try to receive him more often exponential change Jesus truly changes us gives us himself wholly fully totally in discerning our religious vocation it's it's very helpful not to be in a dating relationship it's very hard to discern when when yeah you're attached to someone and that decision would would impact that person so that's the first discernment should I be dating right now should I be in this relationship about being in good health having vibrantly practiced your faith and for those who are converts to the Catholic faith even four years just to be stable stable and solid and not living free from struggles with drug use alcohol use abuse and sexual struggles for a period of time and that time would differ according to the community the reason for this it's beautiful there's a wisdom to that that maybe if I was healed or I received a lavish mercy from Jesus I might just feel like I owe God like wow you were so good to me I'm gonna pay you back I'm entering the convent you know and he's like whoa whoa whoa I just wanted you to come back to me you know but I have another plan for you so giving yourself permission to have that time where you kind of reestablish the intimacy of that relationship because what you're doing is you're listening for an invitation you're listening for a movement and a draw within your heart because the call to religious life isn't just a good idea it's not just a viable option it's not something that just adds up if you look at the stats of my life you're like oh there it is gosh it's right there in front of me just it all adds up if you sense him inviting you to consider the possibility of religious life the next step would be to ask like what is this life like a lot of us didn't grow up near religious or didn't see it lived so it was a very for I mean you got the sound of music and sister-act that very confusing the sound of music because she gets married at the end and has a huge family yeah and then sister actually all know that really just life isn't like that right I hope yeah although we are going to sing to you at the end here no but finding a trusted spiritual director or a confessor can really help you discern the Lord's movements in your heart it's good to know that you're not alone in your discernment there are three parts to our location the first part is that it's a divine initiative it's not something I initiate with God it's something he initiates with me the second is that there's a grace response because it's supernatural I need grace to respond and the Lord provides it and the third is that the church confirms so someone in authority who's vested with grace in the church to guide souls to discern their vocation says indeed I do perceive God is inviting you to this to take a step forward sometimes we think we know the fulfillment of our desires and we think we know what God is calling us to but because we can't see everything or know everything we need another to confirm for us I think about our Holy Father John Paul the second who was the only seminarian who repeatedly and asking to enter the Carmelites was told no all the other seminarians who asked got to leave and enter the Carmelites but not john paul ii not Carole whitey WA and do we see why God wanted us to have a Carmelite Pope and then I think two of the Martins Louie Martin and Zay Lee Martin st. Reza's parents her father Louie Martin tried to enter a monastery he couldn't get the Latin down and they were like you're not gonna make it man and he left the monastery didn't knew he didn't have a religious vocation Sayle Martin tried to enter the visitation cloistered convent because her sister was already there - she was very contemplatively prayerful woman and the superior was like I'm sorry I don't perceive God opening this door they were both disappointed and then they met their eyes locked without the two of them saying yes to their vocation to marriage we wouldn't have Saint Teresa Vizu is a doctor of the church can you imagine if any of them insisted on having their own way then we need to step out of the boat sometimes and take that risk after we've come to a place where we're realizing the Lord is continually prompting continually confirming that he is asking me to take steps forward and we have to step out of the boat another sister who was studying as a scientist she started discerning her vocation and she told her spiritual director like I have a religious vocation she even had an Excel spreadsheet for her discernment with the communities her preferences it was completely organized her spiritual director took one look at that and said that's nice they didn't talk about it again for two years as she dove into prayer and spending time with him she became familiar with his voice how he spoke to her how he loved her how he was drawing her healing her giving her gifts revealing the gifts she didn't even realize she had and it was only then she sensed the Lord calling her out of the boat like Peter and she left her PhD program it can be good to reach out and find it a way to spend time with brothers or to spend time with sisters to see firsthand the joy of a life dedicated to Jesus imitating him in poverty chastity and obedience it can cast out some of the fears and misconceptions and stereotypes which could lessen the anxiety that you might have helped you to feel freer truly open so some examples might include yeah joining them for prayer at their convents or friar ease going on a weekend retreat where you know they'll be present serving on a mission trip alongside them and watching them live as the attraction begins to grow there may be a specific community that you feel drawn to so there might be a charism or an apostolate or a way of praying that your heart just is enlivened by your heart responds to when you see it something yeah is lit it corresponds to a passion take courage and reach out to that community to speak of the vocation director to share your journey to ask for guidance you can only discern in your head for so long I know a lot of people who discern in the ideal or in the imagination in their head and it's just a certain point you're just spinning you need help and then as you go deeper in prayer know that things might come up elements from your past might resurface and fear not if you're not now is the time to be able to look at them with Jesus so find a wise spiritual director a trusted mentor a counselor someone to help you sort through some of the blocks to help you untie some of the knots this opens your heart it dispels lies and it frees you to receive God's plan for you I remember for myself when I was discerning I got to a point where I was incredibly frustrated I felt incredibly impatient I didn't know what God was saying or doing or yeah if I if I could say yes if he was asking it I remember one of my friends was discerning the priesthood and we were all over at a house and he was like oh my gosh God totally confirmed my call to the priesthood and he started sharing about this prayer experience he had and like how the scriptures came alive and he was like you know he like had jumped into a Mary Poppins you know chalk picture and he was like in it and I was like oh my gosh I was like IMAX theater style like what he heard and saw and what Jesus had done and I was like that's great I'm so happy for you that night I went to the adoration Chapel in my little town like I poured Jesus I like open the doors like boom like there he was all vulnerable in the old city I was like oh hi there hey yeah I heard you're giving out answers to other people who've been praying a lot in shorter time than me and I remember having a really good solid cry at the kneeler there in front of Jesus just so that you could see how hurt I was you know an elderly woman like sneakily like slipping me a tissue under my elbow kind of a thing you know I'm like don't worry no I want to let him flow yeah and I looked at him and I remember sensing in my heart am I not equally generous with you yeah it was a beautiful moment of recognizing like I am deeply deeply known and I am loved as I am and I don't know what's best and I can trust him I can trust that he knows when I can receive the gift in my vocation and stop grasping at it so I thought maybe we'd end each of you has a litany of trust one of my sisters wrote that prayer Trust is really what's critical I want you to keep that for yourself and pray that next prayer period may be starting your prayer period with that but I thought we would end with a song that one of our sisters wrote and it's the image is Jesus calling the fisherman on the seashore and on this solemnity of Mary Mother of God who said yes who said yes and followed we think about what it means to say yes to Jesus the courage that it takes and the goodness and the love in his eyes that when he calls us he's never ever outdone in generosity [Music] [Music] [Music] hear myself say you say [Music] Oh [Music] and I will make you [Music] my life [Music] on me your love give me what I need [Music] to anyone come and follow me Oh [Music] and I will make you fishers [Applause] [Music] you are my anchor you ever way you are my son [Music] so Andy Pizza Oh meeting ha make my [Applause] [Music] Oh into new light [Music] and thank you it shirts and you [Music] my singing of your [Music] the same so greater than my dreams what is your goodness [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Oh [Music] me and I will make you fishers [Music] [Applause] [Music]

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Length: 44min 28sec (2668 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 03 2020