"Soul distancing" as a method of dealing with narcissists

hi everyone its dr. Romani welcome back today I'm gonna take on a topic I've been talking about for a long time called soul distancing as a way of staying sane in a narcissistic relationship before we take this concept on please hit the bell it's always wonderful to have you subscribe because then you get notifications about not only that twice weekly videos we come out with but also live events we have increasingly now on a weekly basis at this time and also about a series we have coming up so I would love to have you again be part of this this YouTube community so let's talk a little bit about this concept of soul distancing and in a time as we're making this video we were talking about other kinds of distancing sort of traditional social distancing keeping six feet away from people as a way to sort of ease the spread of the virus and to keep more of us healthy for a longer period of time so we don't overwhelm the health industry we understand what that's about we understand why we need to do that but here's where it gets sticky a lot of people are reaching out to me and I'm getting unprecedented numbers of emails and messages about this issue of listen you know I did all the work I was supposed to do I set the boundaries I in some cases they want no contact in some cases they went gray rock they created very robust lives outside of the household - career school you name it all the things they needed to do social support networks to be able to help them cope with the narcissist in their lives here's where things changed in many many many parts of the world I live in one of them right now what we're having to deal with is is a sort of a stay at home order where we can't leave our homes easily so the challenge in this then becomes what do you do you no longer can just can't just walk out of the house yeah I guess you could take a walk but in some parts of the world you can't even do that so how do you manage this era and what's happening while staying healthy now here's what's interesting this concept is something I started talking about long before any of this happen and it was often related to things like family didn't and holidays and vacations and things that you were sort of put into tight proximity like a hot like again like a holiday dinner or a festival dinner where you were thrust in close proximity to some of your more toxic and narcissistic family members or partners or anything like that the challenge then becomes many times people say hey listen there's parts of my family I really do love I love some of my siblings or I love one of my parents where I'm fond of my grandparents and I'm not willing to completely divorce myself from that system because these people are meaningful to me which i think is wonderful so the question is how do you distance from someone when physically you have to occupy the same space that's where the concept of something I've always called soul distancing comes into play when you're with someone and your physical material body is in their presence that's fine you know that happens you've have to sit next to people you don't like on buses and airplanes or in offices or in classrooms it happens all the time but when those people have no relevance to you for example you're sitting next to someone on a bus or you're sitting next to someone in a conference room you don't really pay much mind to them you might think like I'll be glad when this is done I don't really like this person right there's doing things that are making me uncomfortable or so just I just don't like this experience you know it's either time limited or you don't have much association with them it's a whole different game when you have to be in proximity to someone who's been a toxic influence in your life someone who has invalidated you someone who's demeaned you someone who's devalued you or someone who's manipulated you and that's been directly targeted at you that's a very uncomfortable space to occupy and that's not just in your close intimate relationship again that could be your family it could be a friend it could even be the workplace we don't all have the luxury to step away from these relationships and spaces now more than ever right so what do you do your physical body stays in but you can pull that most sacred part of yourself out of there your soul don't have it don't have it present there for them to be able to play with pull yourself away in that it's almost like classic gray rock really what gray rockin is is a form of soul distancing what you do in gray rock is you don't let them interact with the best of you your very serene your very neutral and flat there's a lot of okay sure sounds good that's interesting enough filler to keep the conversation going but what you don't put up on the chopping block are those most authentic important divine and sometimes vulnerable parts of yourself at this particularly vulnerable time in our world people are scared they're scared about a lot of things are scared about elderly friends and relatives they're scared about their livelihoods are getting sick themselves they're scared about the unknowns those are normal reactions in an abnormal situation what can be very unsettling though is when you have those fears and because you're stuck in sort of a narcissistic space cuz you're locked in with people like that you don't feel like you have places you can share that the temptation is off these are spectacular circumstances I should be able to share this about myself and then you're shut down mocked or gasps elated soul distancing means that you're not going to share those vulnerabilities you're not going to share those aspects of yourself you need places to share those things and those may be friends by I don't know bye-bye FaceTime or Skype or zoom or some other video chat could be texts it could be if you're doing online therapy talking to your therapist those are all very good inappropriate ways to do it just don't bring it to the people who are gonna mock you and listen what's going on in the world isn't the only game in town we all have other stuff going on many people are still going to school online they may be doing their jobs online they may be trying to find work online people have been let go they're trying to get their finances in order there's other stuff going on and in the midst of that you may also feel vulnerable you may say I'm worried I won't graduate in time or I'm afraid that my boss isn't noticing my work in the same way or you're worried that you're not gonna be able to find new work and in a few months or even right away you're not gonna be able to do things like pay rent you're not sure how all these new things are working there's a lot to figure out right so in those vulnerabilities you once again around the narcissus in your life you don't get to share them soul distancing becomes a way to make sure you don't take those things to them that you really keep those vulnerabilities and even it's not just about what's going wrong it's also about what's going right what's been striking to me as we've gone through this entire you know an unbelievable human experience of all feeling vulnerable about something that's tiny as a virus but it's causing so much havoc in everyone's lives is how people have drawn together I've really really been struck by how people are attempting to reach out to their neighbors to their friends to their families to do the right things in their communities if they didn't lose their work trying to find ways to help financially support other people creating works of art continuing to sing their songs and giving sort of these kind of quick pop-up concerts online whatever it is I really am amazed at seeing people who are playing by the rules and really trying to do good things for other people keeping their local bakery in business by going socially distancing buying that loaf of bread sometimes even when they don't need it because they want that place to still be there when all of this is over but when you try to even share those beautiful things with your family like can we draw together let's help the person down the street why don't we find a way to give back to our community safely you'll also be met with oh please they're they're not our problem we got enough problems once again that beautiful part of yourself can be denied soul distancing means you also don't bring those good things to them you share them with the places they belong it might be on your social media may be with friends it may be simply just doing it long after all of what's happening now is gone the soul distancing is going to still work for you because a lot of people all over the world don't have the luxury of stepping away from their narcs Cystic relationships it's so easy to say I go no contact it's so easy you can't go no contact when you're co-parenting you can't go no contact in many cultures when you have interdependent family networks you can't go no contact when you need to keep a job especially nowadays right it's not a luxury all of us have to just let's just go no contact soul distancing is a way to do a different kind of no contact because what happens then is that part of you that that again divine part of you there's no other way I can say it is that divine soul part of you is not even out there for the narcissist to touch it becomes an intentional action you almost need to go into it saying okay I can almost visualize that part I can almost visualize my soul that part of myself just I'm sort of gonna put it away and then I'm gonna interact with the narcissist I'm going to kind of use a grey rock approach and then find those spaces where you can do that kind of sharing when we're vulnerable when we're fatigued when we're stressed and when we're anxious those are the times we often make I don't know the mistake or the lapse or the slip if you will of bringing those vulnerable things to the toxic and narcissistic people in our lives and that this unique time of sort of being locked down we may be in close proximity to to them and they may honestly feel like the only game in town like they're the only people we can talk to they're not you've got to view soul distancing as an incredibly powerful tool for advocating for yourself and protecting yourself without creating conflict it's very much an action that you engage in now as often happens with things like gray rock and no contact and just not engaging narcissistic and toxic people don't like that they don't like that you're not giving them something to tap on Giada and have conflict with and be angry about and they again they love engagement because it becomes one more place to Gaslight or manipulate you so initially they're not gonna like that they're gonna want to draw that part of you out and they're pretty masterful at it for you the intentional focused work is about yeah no I'm not I'm not taking my soul out right now I'm gonna keep it here secret it because those who are worthy of and its beauty we'll get to see it in all its glory this person hasn't earned that right because they haven't respected it in the past by making it a very intentional act it allows you to even be in close proximity to someone who isn't able to be with that really wonderful vulnerable honest authentic part of you you hold that back you still may be able to sit and talk with them about the weather listening to their meanderings and ramblings and conspiracy theories and whatever talk they're engaging in that day but you again you can go to that very mindful centered space protect you and not hand over the best part of yourself like I said long after all of this is over soul distancing which in many ways is a variation on sort of gray rock or no contact but it goes beyond that it's an awareness it's an awareness that there's this piece of you that's very much you that is your authentic good piece of you don't hand that away if you do it enough and you keep having that vulnerable beautiful internal space in you that spiritual space interview if you want to view it that way if you keep letting that get trashed it impacts you in numerous psychological ways versus if you're aware that that piece of you is very much you and that you've given yourself the right to keep it held back only sharing it with those who are deserving of being in the presence of your soul listen the soul is a very philosophical concept and even as sort of a traditionally scientifically trained psychologist we sort of we didn't do a lot of soul talk in grad school or even as you know we we went through our training but I must say that it's the psyche doesn't quite capture it it's it's that part of us that doesn't conform to something we get it's the us it's it's the it's the identity meets our divinity meets our spirituality meets our authenticity but that part of us includes everything from our childhood vulnerabilities to our creative interest to the things we want to be in the things we hope to be and a lot of people are letting those thoughts go through them right now and say hmm this is a wake-up call how do I pursue those things don't have that conversation with the narcissist soul distancing means that I got all this beautiful stuff in me and for the first time I'm gonna give myself permission to only share it with the people who get it hope you're able to practice soul distancing on top of all the other kinds of distancing you need to in the months ahead and that you're able to practice soul distancing far far far into the future when all of this mercifully is behind us until then please stay safe and healthy thank you again for tuning in please subscribe again I'm gonna have more regular content addressing a variety of issues just to keep people informed and keep you advised about all those difficult relationships in your life which ain't just going to evaporate because the world has changed thanks so much

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 405,338

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: NU9P41Vifec

Length: 14min 15sec (855 seconds)

Published: Thu May 07 2020