When you just don't know how to respond to a narcissist

hey everyone it's Dr Romney and welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism narcissistic relationships and healing from narcissistic relationships so here's the thing most of us cannot extricate from all of the narcissistic relationships in our life we may be able to exit from some of these relationships but from all no and some folks actually do need to remain in some of the most impactful and toxic relationships family members spouses and partners for a number of practical reasons that means that all of the various workarounds we have discussed on this channel including not things like not don't go deep right don't defend don't explain all that stuff disengaging sticking to superficial topics but still many people I work with I've reached out to me and I said I simply do not know how to respond to them we do know that disengaging doesn't always work in fact if you try to disengage they can actually get more inflamed particularly with vulnerable narcissistic folks where there's lots of Abandonment anxiety and they may try to bait you a major challenge is that they actually do not want your honest and genuine response to something there is in fact a right answer with narcissistic folks and that right answer is the one that is the most convenient and validating for them it's not necessarily the truth I have to say I remember once having to deal with a narcissistic person in my life this has happened a long time ago I did not get it then this was a pretty egocentric person never really sort of understood the world outside if I'm very entitled very controlling and this time and I I think I thought I was doing this but this time I really just was going to answer the question he would ask me honestly right I was doing actually doing something for myself and he asked me what I was doing and I told him honestly what I was doing and someone else was there when his call came in to hear the call and he lost it I literally said what I was doing the answer I gave was 100 honest I had stopped to have a quick bite outdoors with some friends and I was enjoying the warm sunny day he knew I was going to be out for a few hours to do something and he thought I was doing something that he deemed productive when he heard that my little Aaron had turned into a nice moment because I ran into some people he lost it and that person with me who overheard the call and said yikes I guess saying that saying you were at lunch was the wrong answer the truth in that case the 100 truth that I am outside eating lunch a quick bite of lunch and enjoying the nice day that was the wrong answer I did not respond right in the Years ensuing I learned to manage this person and I always said I was working or suffering or something that suited this person's world view of reality there's no truth in narcissistic relationships there's only the version of reality that they want to see and the reversion of reality they expect us all to get in line with so that takes us back to this question how are you supposed to respond to narcissistic people because a lot of people are saying I freeze I don't even know what to say anymore so let's break this down number one you got to ask yourself what is your comfort level with their different responses back at you some people do not do well with narcissistic rage coming at them they find that it throws them off and it ruins their day folks don't mind and are willing to go toe-to-toe with a narcissistic person here's the thing folks the less you care about their ragey Sullen manipulative gaslighting responses the greater your the repertoire the range of responses you have at your disposal right back at them because the less you care the more you can respond honestly and just face their rage sometimes your truth and the answer that is actually true for you if you get lucky it may not make them angry sometimes it will so if you don't care then speak your truth but the majority of folks out there don't do well with the manipulative gaslighting contemptuous or rageful stuff that comes back at them from narcissistic folks unless they respond the way that the narcissistic person wants and this video is probably more for people who struggle a bit with that heavy response that comes back then the second thing is you have to get inside their heads different narcissistic people want different things some folks want things to always be positive some folks want to believe that other people are always just always working in their service almost like my experience with the lunch person some want you to validate them every time you talk to them some want you to never let them know you have problems in any way shape or form figure that out if you want if you have to keep a narcissistic relationship going figure out what they want to hear if you don't want to deal with their rage and I hear you're grumbling all the way from here you're thinking that's not a relationship to which I say no it's not it never was narcissistic people feel entitled to living in a world where there are no rainy days unless they want it to rain they don't want to hear about your problems or issues in most cases it's too inconvenient honestly think of how many companies have gone under because nobody wanted to give the narcissistic head person the bad news and then if that happens long enough poof the company's gone most of us don't want to deal with this with their Tantrums right so if you want to avoid their tantrumy rage step one is figuring out what it is they typically want to hear and in most cases you know this because you spent enough time with this person as I write this as I think about this I'm thinking about the narcissistic people I still interact with one always wants me to ask him what he had for lunch and then tell me what a great restaurant that is one wants people to tell her how strong she is and how hard she works despite all of her health problems another wants me to say how bad it is when people don't work hard and how he works harder than everyone else another always wants to be thanked even when he has done nothing the other one I know wants to be told that he is an inspiration another person I know wants to be told how beautiful his wife is you learn the ones who can hear you learn what they want to hear and you figure out what you need to tell them and then you do that you learn this and you can fit the response into the narrow world that they live in I have to interact with some of these people just to keep my trains running on time you all have people like that in your life too I really don't want a friendship or a relationship with these people but they're in my life and to just keep turn the volume down you give them that figure it out put a quick reference guide in your phone if you need but just figure that out it's never going to be deep with them third you need to weigh out how important whatever it is you're responding to is so they may be asking you a question where you just actually can't figure out what the answer is they want and where you might actually have to give them an honest but uncomfortable answer something like no I can't fix that or no I can't be there and no amount of asking them about their lunch is going to get you off the hook you have to prepare for this one you want to respond to them something they don't want to hear don't do a lot of Prelude don't say things like I know this is going to be hard I know how busy you are and it's all going to work out no if it's important just cut to the chase I can't be there pull the Band-Aid off fast they're going to go off on you anyhow and if you're too anxiously on the front end they might even get more mad at you so just go in there if you got to respond to them with something you don't want to hear just get it done and over with a fourth way to think about how you respond to them and you don't know what to do is give yourself a minute you don't always have to respond fast take a minute think on it play the chess game out in your headset you might think like okay if I say this they're going to Gaslight if I say that they're going to rage it's important is it's I have to think this through you have to figure out do I need to tell them the truth is that going to blow up if I don't just play the flow chart out then give the response it sucks because they may still rage at you for being too slow in your response and they may sense your tentativeness but it may give you the few seconds that you need but Fifth and most importantly you must remember you can't win there is no version of this where you respond to the narcissistic person in the right way every time it hurts your head to think it all through to mind read them figure out the stakes your appetite for manipulation and gaslighting and rage on that given day is going to vary right but that's what these relationships are a constant calculation you not knowing how to respond it's actually more of a I have to ask myself how ready I am for their response life is difficult when you can't respond in a way that is just genuine authentic and true it really is there's no possibility for any kind of meaningful relationship if you can't do that when you constantly have to be doing calculations so as to avoid their sensitivities and fragility it's not a relationship it's really like trying to dance amidst a bunch of trip wires but this idea of how do I respond to them it feels like nothing I do is going to get me to the right place that in some ways is the answer no matter how you respond to them in some ways you know you're going to end up in Rage in those cases you might say it's just going to be easier to just tell them the honest truth me and the lunch I could have dodged that bullet though but the fact is is that responding to them is difficult because you have to ask yourself how much am I trying to protect myself from an outcome and how much is it that I am I am I'm trying to get information out there oftentimes there is no right answer and if you know that it can make this a little bit easier but in some ways if it's a low stakes conversation and you know what it is they need throw in the bite and get on with your day thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 144,144

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Id: oudVImBWrq0

Length: 10min 23sec (623 seconds)

Published: Fri May 19 2023