WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO... <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
IT'S STILL EXCITING. IT'S STILL A LITTLE EXCITING. YEAH. I-- I KIND OF STILL FEEL THE
SAME WAY. NOW, WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT,<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪
TONIGHT IS OUR SECOND SHOW BACK, AND IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE WITH
ALL THESE FULLY-VACCINATED PEOPLE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
GOT THE COVID SHOT. THEY FEEL GOOD. THEY'RE IMMORTAL. AND THEY ARE NOT ALONE, BECAUSE
TODAY, THE STATE OF NEW YORK OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCED A 70%
VACCINATION RATE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
WOOO! WOOO,s BABY! 70%. THAT'S THE-- THAT'S AN IMPORTANT
THRESHOLD. THAT IS A C-MINUS. HELL, YEAH! AND THAT'S GREAT. BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE TO TAKE
SUMMER SCHOOL, I THINK. I THINK THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS. ALSO, BECAUSE HERD
IMMUNITY IS COMMONLY CONSIDERED TO BE ACHIEVED AT SOMEWHERE
BETWEEN 70% TO 80%, SO NEW YORK STATE WILL LIFT "VIRTUALLY ALL"
COVID RESTRICTIONS, INCLUDING REMAINING CAPACITY LIMITS,
SOCIAL DISTANCING, AND CLEANING AND DISINFECTING MANDATES. WHICH MEANS--<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> WHICH MEANS THAT PIZZA RAT CAN
FINALLY DINE INSIDE AGAIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). NOW-- CASUAL. A HAWAIIAN SHIRT? HAVE A HAWAIIAN SHIRT ON? TO RECOGNIZE THE 70% MILESTONE. THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING WILL
BE LIT UP IN BLUE AND GOLD LIGHTS. AND, LISTEN, KEEP IN MIND-- WE
ONLY LIGHT UP THE EMPIRE STATE FOR TRULY HISTORIC OCCASIONS,
LIKE THE ROLLOUT OF BLUE M&Ms, FOOD ALLERGY AWARENESS WEEK, AND
THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TO DOGS? NOTHING BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SEE
COLOR. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
AND THIS CELEBRATION-- THIS CELEBRATION DOES NOT STOP WITH
JUST THE GLOWY SKYSCRAPERS. IN JULY, NEW YORK CITY IS
HOLDING A TICKER-TAPE PARADE HONORING FRONTLINE WORKERS. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YEAH, PERFECT, PERFECT. I'LL BE THERE. WILL YOU BE THERE? I'LL BE THROWING RIGHT OFF THE
TOP OF THE THEATER HERE. TO TELL US ABOUT IT, LET'S GO TO
PARADE HYPE MAN, BILL de BLASIO. >> WE ARE GOING TO HAVE
ESSENTIAL WORKERS CELEBRATED, GROUPS OF ESSENTIAL WORKERS,
FLOATS FOR HEALTHCARE WORKERS, FIRST RESPONDERS, EDUCATORS
MUNICIPAL WORKERS, TRANSPORTATION WORKERS, GROCERY
AND BODEGA WORKERS, DELIVERY PEOPLE. >> Stephen: DELIVERY PEOPLE--
THAT'S GOING TO MAKE LUNCH ORDERS A LITTLE COMPLICATED. "OKAY, IT SAYS MY SALAD IS
ON A FLOAT COMING DOWN 6th AVENUE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IT'S STUCK BETWEEN THE ROCKETTES AND DELTA AIRLINES
PRESENTS MICHAEL BUBLE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
OTHER STATES ARE ALSO VAXXED UP AND READY TO PARTY. TODAY, CALIFORNIA LIFTED NEARLY
ALL OF ITS PANDEMIC RESTRICTIONS, ACCORDING TO
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR AND TECH C.E.O. REASSURING STAFF THAT
WHILE THE STARTUP IS CLOSING, HE WILL REMAIN RICH, GAVIN NEWSOM. IN MAKING THE ANNOUNCEMENT,
NEWSOM SUMMONED ALL THE DIGNITY FOR WHICH CALIFORNIA IS
RENOWNED: <i> ( MUSIC, MINIONS MAKING NOISE )</i>
>> AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE, CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN
NEWSOM. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> WELL, GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY. >> Optimus Prime: GOOD MORNING,
GOVERNOR. >> WAS THAT OPTIMUS PRIME? >> Optimus Prime: IT IS A
PRIVILEGE TO STAND BY YOUR SIDE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen:<i>
( AS OPTIMUS PRIME )</i> "IT WAS ALSO A PLEASURE TO DRY
HUMP YOUR PRIUS IN THE PARKING LOT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
I'M INTO BOT PLAY. I WILL PAY TO HAVE IT CLEANED." NEWSOME CALIFORNIA'D ON:
CALIFORNIA IS OPEN AGAIN. <i> ( MUSIC, MINIONS MAKING NOISES</i>
>> CALIFORNIA HAS TURNED THE PAGE. LET US ALL CELEBRATE THIS
REMARKABLE MILESTONE! ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: CALIFORNIA IS BACK OPEN FOR BUSINESS! AND NOTHING SAYS "READY FOR
OPENING WITHOUT ANY UNFORESEEN DIRE CONSEQUENCES" LIKE THE GUY
FROM "JURASSIC PARK"! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW-- IT'S GOING TO BE FINE. IT'S GOING TO BE FINE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Jon: I REMEMBER THAT MOVIE. >> Stephen: HOLD ON TO YOUR
BUTTS! UP IN VERMONT, THEY'RE CRUSHING
THE INJECTION GAME, BECOMING THE FIRST STATE TO REACH AN 80%
VACCINE THRESHOLD. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THAT'S FANTASTIC. IT'S AMAZING. THEY SHOULD BE PROUD OF
THEMSELVES. IT'S ALL THANKS TO VERMONT'S
VACCINE INCENTIVE PROGRAM: ANYONE WHO DOESN'T GET A SHOT
GETS A PERSONAL VISIT FROM BERNIE SANDERS. <i> ( AS BERNIE )</i>
"KNOCK-KNOCK, DING-DONG! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR AND SHOW ME
YOUR VACCINATION CARD! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OFF MY
MITTENS! AND OF AND WHILE I'M HERE I
GOTTA ASK. WHAT'S THE SOUP SITUATION IN
THIS HOUSE? I SMELL NAVY BEAN. DO NOT LIE TO ME!"
WE'RE ALL ANTICIPATING THE SHOWDOWN, AMERICA'S JOE BIDEN
VERSUS RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN, SEEN HERE
LAUGHING AT THE LAST JOKE YOU'LL EVER TELL. BACK IN MARCH, BIDEN CALLED
PUTIN A "KILLER," BUT YESTERDAY, THE DEFINITELY-A-MURDERER
EXPLAINED THAT ALL THE BAD THINGS HE IS ACCUSED OF,
AMERICANS DO, TOO. >> (translated): WE HAVE A
SAYING: "DON'T BE MAD AT THE MIRROR IF YOU ARE UGLY. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU
PERSONALLY. BUT IF SOMEBODY BLAMES US FOR
SOMETHING, WHAT I SAY IS, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT YOURSELVES? YOU WILL SEE YOURSELVESIN THE
MIRROR, NOT US." >> Stephen: MY FAVORITE SAYINGS
ARE THE ONES THAT ARE CONVOLUTED AND NEED A LOT OF
EXPLANATION. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
REMINDS ME OF THE BEAUTIFUL NEEDLEPOINT THROW PILLOW WE HAD
GROWING UP: "THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM,
BECAUSE HE'S THERE BEFORE THE BIRDS WHO ARE ON TIME, AND
THERE'S A FIXED NUMBER OF WORMS. YOU ARE NOT A BIRD, BUT YOU CAN
LEARN FROM BIRDS. THEY ARE VALUABLE. IN FACT, IF YOU CAN GET ONE
OF THEM IN YOUR HAND, THAT'S WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH, WHICH IS
A WHOLE 'NOTHER THING I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO STITCH RIGHT
NOW." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
PUTIN ALSO OFFERED UP THE ULTIMATE INSULT TO THE
PRESIDENT. >> ( translated): PRESIDENT
BIDEN, OF COURSE, IS RADICALLY DIFFERENT FROM
TRUMP, BECAUSE PRESIDENT BIDEN IS A CAREER MAN. HE'S SPENT VIRTUALLY HIS ENTIRE
ADULTHOOD IN POLITICS. >> Stephen:<i>
( AS PUTIN )</i> "UNLIKE ME, WHO SPENT 17 YEARS
AS K.G.B. SPY. YOU CAN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THE
AVERAGE MAN UNTIL YOU'VE SPRAYED NERVE GAS IN HIS UNDERWEAR." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT BIDEN IS NOT GOING TO BE INTIMIDATED. >> IN A WEEKEND INTERVIEW,
VLADIMIR PUTIN LAUGHED AT THE SUGGESTION THAT YOU HAD
CALLED HIM A KILLER. IS THAT STILL YOUR BELIEF, SIR,
THAT HE IS A KILLER? ( LAUGHS )
>> TO ANSWER THE FIRST QUESTION, ( LAUGHS )
I AM LAUGHING, TOO. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: I'M LAUGHING TOO. I JUST REMEMBERED A BZOOKA JOE
COMIC FROM A GUM I CHEWED IN 1972. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKIN'
ABOUT?" SPEAKING OF ENEMIES OF THE
UNITED STATES, THERE'S SOME UPDATES ON THE CAPITOL RIOTERS. AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP." >> I AM NOT A-MOOOOOS-ED BY THIS
BULL! >> Stephen: FIRST UP IN THE
ROUND-UP: NEW HAMPSHIRE NATIVE AND GUY
TEACHING A CRYPTOCURRENCY CLASS FROM HIS MOM'S BASEMENT, JASON
RIDDLE. EVEN THOUGH HE WAS ARRESTED BACK
IN FEBRUARY FOR HIS PART IN THE RIOT, ON SUNDAY, RIDDLE
ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS RUNNING TO SERVE AS THE HOUSE
REPRESENTATIVE FOR NEW HAMPSHIRE'S SECOND CONGRESSIONAL
DISTRICT. ( BOOING )
BUT RIDDLE DID NOT KNOW THAT: >> Reporter: HE SAYS HE'S
RUNNING AGAINST DEMOCRAT ANNIE KUSTER IN THE 2022 MIDTERM
ELECTIONS. KUSTER IS CURRENTLY IN HER FIFTH
TERM AS A U.S. CONGRESSWOMAN REPRESENTING NEW HAMPSHIRE'S
SECOND DISTRICT. >> I THOUGHT ANN WAS A STATE
REPRESENTATIVE. >> Reporter: NO. SO A STATE REP IS IN THE STATE
HOUSE IN CONCORD. >> YEAH, THAT'S WHAT ANN IS! >> Reporter: NO, NO, NO. SHE'S IN WASHINGTON. >> OH, WELL, I GUESS I GOTTA RUN
AGAINST THAT THEN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: EXPLAINS HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN:
"JASON RIDDLE FOR... I DUNNO. YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE!"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
NEXT UP-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
A LITTLE RESEARCH. >> Jon: YOU GOTTA DO YOUR
RESEARCH. >> Stephen: NEXT UP, REMEMBER
THIS GUY WHO PUT HIS FEET ON NANCY PELOSI'S DESK? ( BOOING
( YOU EVIDENTLY DO. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THAT'S RICHARD "BIGO" BARNETT, A SELF-AVOWED WHITE NATIONALIST,
WHO ON SUNDAY APPEARED ON RUSSIAN STATE TV. HE HIT-- HE HIT ALL THE RUSSIAN
SUNDAY SHOWS: "OPPRESS THE NATION,"
"MURDER THE PRESS," pAND, "FOX NEWS SUNDAY." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
JUST KIDDING, CHRIS. I LOVE YOU, CHRIS. PLEASE COME BACK. NEXT UP, THE FIRST RIOTERS TO
PLEAD GUILTY TO A MISDEMEANOR ARE JOSHUA AND JESSICA BUSTLE,
A MARRIED COUPLE FROM VIRGINIA. YES, FOR THEIR WEDDING, THEY
WERE REGISTERED AT "THE KNOT," ALSO "THE KNOOSE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE BUSTLES-- WOW. DON'T BE MEAN TO MIKE PENCE,
STEVE! GOOD GUY. THE BUSTLES PLED GUILTY TO
UNLAWFUL DEMONSTRATION AFTER JOSHUA FILMED JESSICA INSIDE THE
CAPITOL BUILDING. SHE ALSO POSTED A LOT OF ANGRY
STUFF ABOUT VACCINES ON FACEBOOK, BUT IN COURT, JESSICA
ADDED, "I'M ADMITTING GUILT TO THE THINGS THAT I SAID, AND I'M
SORRY FOR SAYING THEM. THERE WERE ALSO OTHER THINGS
THAT WERE SAID IN POSTS THAT WERE KIND, LIKE 'PRAY FOR
AMERICA,' THAT WEREN'T INCLUDED." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THAT'S LIKE A MURDERER ADMITTING HE STABBED A GUY, BUT HE WANTS
CREDIT BECAUSE AFTERWARDS HE WROTE, "DON'T DO DRUGS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
MY GUESTS ARE DR. SANJAY GUPTA AND RITA MORENO. BUT WHEN WE RETURN,s OH, WE
HAVE SUCH A GREAT SECOND ACT FOR YOU, "QUARANTINE-WHILE." STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪
