'Whoa! Oh god!' [Ethan] 'Houston,
we have a serious problem!' Oh my god! It's world-famous
Russian cosmonaut, Sergey Volkov! - How do you know that?
- It says it on his chest. [Laughs] 'In your quest
to step from the shadows, 'you must develop the skill,
a Zen-like concentration, 'no matter how extreme
the situation. 'You will undertake a series
of tests while weightless. 'But first, you will have
to qualify as a cosmonaut.' Ooh! 'Meet me in Yuri Gagarin
Space Training Center...' - Where?
- '...near Moscow in Russia...' - Oh Moscow!
- '...in seven hours.' - We've gotta go to Russia.
- 'Volkov out.' If we're going to Russia,
we're going to be needing this. - Astronaut, weren't it?
- Jump on the space hopper. Is that a ray gun? [Bleep]! [Narrator]
Since the dawn of time, there have always been sidemen, just as there have always been
plankton in the oceans, worms in the earth,
gnats in the sky. Over the years, kings,
queens, pharaohs and presidents have all challenged
sidemen to rise up, to be all they can be, to leave the shelter
and step to the front. That forward leap
has never transpired. Until now. We bring you
seven extraordinary sidemen of our own time, who are men of action,
destiny and courage. Men who dare
to step into the light. They will raced, chased,
blown up, battered and bedraggled,
through deserts and oceans, over mountains
and cities with one aim: to move to the front,
to take center-stage. This is The Sidemen Show. [Speaks Russian] [J.J.] Oh it's there.
Can you see that? Subtitles. [J.J.] I don't know
what it says. [Tobi] I can't even read
English. Are we in the right place? - [J.J.] Yes!
- [Volkov] Good. [Ethan] Da! Da! Sidemen, you are facing
a series of hard challenges. You must learn the skills that
you will need in zero gravity. Ooh. Training's hard
and unforgivable. Unforgivable? I doubt that
you will all make it. Why does he sound so scary? That sounds so scary
in Russian. And the first test is
centrifuge. Follow me. - Centri...?
- Centrifuge. Follow! My trousers
are falling down. Sergey Volkov, Commander's Log,
Sidemen Mission. I met the boys. None of them
are ready to be a cosmonaut. But everybody
deserves a chance. [Narrator] Testing the limits
of acceleration on your body is key to becoming
a cosmonaut. Losing consciousness during
lift-off is never an option. The centrifuge will prove if
the Sidemen have what it takes to make it in space. Oh my word! [Speaks Russian] It looks like a spaceship. It's like
a little padded room. Oh my god! That's a torture chamber
if I've seen one. Why do you think there's all
that padding in there? If there's no chance
you're gonna come loose, they wouldn't pad the inside. [Laughter] [Vik] Oh my! Who are throwing
in this then? [Josh]
I'd say Harry'll be fine. Simon... look at Tobi.
He may throw up. Mad. Oh I feel bad for him now. It's quite comfy in here. I don't like this.
It's not flattering at all. - Harry, are you good?
- Aw! I'm good. Can you see my ear?
It hurts. Also, I can see
the computer running, and I'm running XP,
so I'm dead! I think I'm ready. Oh this thing
doesn't feel safe. Aw! Oh! It's like flying
business class. Oh they're shutting
the doors. Alright... I'm locked in. I feel like I'm in the womb. - Are you ready?
- I need to fart. [Harry] 'If I don't make it
out of here, 'can someone please
look after my dog? - We are starting now.
- Oh nice. Okay, yeah,
yeah, I'm moving. I...I can tell. I'm moving, I'm moving.
Ooh this feels weird. Whoa! - How do you feel?
- I am moving, right? I just heard Ethan laugh.
[Bleep] you, Ethan! Oh this is easy, it's fine! I'm gonna try and look. Oh my god!
You can't lift your head up. That's nuts!
Aargh! My god! Wait, hang on. No, I looked to
the side. Don't do that, Harry. Oh okay, look straight.
Urgh! My face is melting. [Whimpers] I'm not sure
if he's trying to smile, or his face is
getting pulled up. Oh wait, if you look...
Oh jeez! If you look to the side,
it's really weird. Urgh! Argh! Go on, put it up to seven!
You haven't got the balls! I can't lift my arms up,
shit! - Ethan?
- [Ethan laughs] [Bleep] you! [Raucous laughter] - Slowing down.
- We're slowing down. Finished? Oh great, okay. - So rotation will be over.
- Phew! Well I'm really dizzy. Look how big his pupils are.
He looks like he's seen shit! Aw! I feel dizzy. I am physically sweating
right now. Wait... [Farts] The rotation is over.
How do you feel? Oh! Sick response! Did he do well? He did okay. Some motions
is not appropriate. Usually cosmonauts
don't do this. I've never seen such a loud
group in the control room, joking all the time. They didn't listen. 'The boys all managed
the centrifuge, just. 'Harry did the best.' The good news:
nobody passed out. Next time I may push
a bit further. Centrifuge Mission completed. [Narrator] In space there
are no delivery services. To be a cosmonaut, you have
to learn to eat packed lunch. Sidemen, can you handle
space food? Welcome to the Space Kitchen.
Okay, if you want you may start. - What was your favorite?
- Er... I feel like you didn't eat this,
I feel like you got nicer food. - Yes.
- [Laughter] I knew it! I knew it! - [Volkov] Okay. Let's try...
- [Harry] What is that? Okay, this is not ready yet. - But what is it?
- Hard to tell, actually. - It's bread, small pieces.
- Yeah, I'll try some bread. [Volkov] You may choose
this rice with the vegetables. - [Vik] What is this?
- [Volkov] A kind of soup. Actually, soup all tastes
not bad, you can eat it. It's coffee with sugar. Do you know what the price
of this cup of coffee? - [Ethan] No, how much?
- 50 bucks. - Wow!
- [J.J.] That cost 50... Bucks. It's just price
of delivery. Because everything's
very expensive. - Harry, get some bread.
- Bread, a nice starter. [Josh] What do you
recommend to eat? Okay, open this.
Just use this tube. And just squeeze. Okay, okay, this is my meal.
This is my soup. - Soup of the day.
- No, no, no, go up. [All] # We like to drink
with Vik, cos Vik is our mate # And though we drink with Vik,
he gets it down in eight... # Seven, six... - He seemed to be enjoying it.
- It's actually...well alright. - [Ethan] What is "cock"?
- It's not a cock, it's juice. [Ethan] Okay! Meat with macaroni. Macaroni? Oh my god! [Volkov] This over here... I think it's gonna be like
a nice Mac n' cheese and meat. Imagine my horror...
when I see this! - [J.J.] Ooh! Ooh, ooh my.
- [Ethan] Get cooking! - Harry, get a fat-off spoon.
- Alright. Yeah, this isn't...
Okay. [Vik] Surely this is very
messy to eat in space, no? - It's actually pretty buff.
- [J.J.] Really? Sort of texture of dog food,
but it tastes like human food. [J.J.] What is this again?
Buckwheat? Whoa! Eat all of that,
all of that in one bite. - Oh! See it off!
- [Tobi] That was a big mouth. - That's actually pretty good.
- Why's everyone enjoying this? It's actually really good.
Oh! [Volkov] Get used to keeping
this food down now. In zero gravity,
everything floats. And probably time
to make some coffee. - Yeah, I'll have some coffee.
- [Volkov] Put this above... [J.J.] Alright. [Ethan] Oh! Oh! That looks
like me when I eat gluten. - [Laughter]
- [J.J.] Not sure about this. Thanks, Ethan.
Yeah, looks great. Okay, it's ready to drink. - How's it sealed?
- [Volkov] It's space magic. But you just... we just put
the water in there. [Volkov] Yes, secret knowledge.
You have to fly... You old wizard! # Whenever we drink with J.J.,
he gets it down in... oh! - What's wrong with you?
- It's a bit hot. [Josh] Is there any fudge left? - J.J., man!
- It's still hot! - Alright, I'll stop.
- We're leaving, let's go! What's wrong with you? Sergey Volkov,
Commander's Log, Space Food. It's obvious
these boys like to eat. There are no pizza in space.
There are, however, manners. One of the things that
you don't wanna do in space is spit your food
on your crew members. What's wrong with you? To become a cosmonaut,
you need to be healthy, smart and strong. Most of the Sidemen has at
least two of these qualities. Concentration is key to be
successful on Soyuz Simulator. I've done this
several times for real. [Narrator] Docking
the Soyuz to the Space Station is the most dangerous part
of the mission. One wrong move
could spell disaster. Sidemen, let's put your driving
skills to the ultimate test. - [Josh] Do we get in there?
- Here, yes. Get in. - [Josh] But it's really small.
- [Vik] Three people get in it? - Ethan, you'll have a bad time.
- I know. I'm really not
looking forward to this. I can't fit in this.
Are astronauts small? - Go, go.
- What d'you mean, go? Go where? - Come and get cozy.
- Ooh, this is nice padding. [Josh] It's really comfortable. This is solid! They save the best till last.
Commander Vik at your services. - [Ethan] Come in, my brother.
- Commander Vik coming through. - Can you guys hear me?
- Where do you normally sit? - He's the commander.
- Are you the commander? - [Vik] He is the commander.
- I am the ultimate commander. [Josh] 'Oh wow!' I have all the power.
Ha-ha! Your last chance. If you have
any questions, ask me now? If you've got questions,
please ask them. You need to move the station
to the center. [Vik] A bit like this? Jesus, Vik has
such hairy arms. Now, just use this... He's like an ape,
what the hell? - Okay. Good luck.
- Thank you, Sergey. - Serg, can you do it instead?
- Yes, I can. - Kick him out!
- [Volkov] But now is your turn. - [Vik] No!
- Bye. Help, boys, help!
I don't know... Come back! [# Russian choir sings] [Volkov] 'Blasting into space 'isn't just about being
mentally tough. 'You also have
to look the part.' I see the boys like
comfortable clothes. I doubt they will like
real spacesuits. 'Sidemen, it's time
to suit up.' - Oh guys.
- [Laughter] It's like a pajama party. So I'm gonna change quickly but
I put them the wrong way around. I promise you
this was a full accident. - Only him. Only him.
- How? - I've done it. I've done it.
- Congrats. For easy access. - It's really easy access here.
- Protect yourself, bro. You can see my thigh!
It's very revealing. Okay. [Man] Okay, Tobi, would you
please sit down here? Okay. Okay, first of all, just put it
on like regular trousers. This is not comfortable. [Harry] It's not built for
comfort, it's built for safety. It's like being born! To be fair, you look legit
right now. - [Harry] Yeah, looks very cool.
- [Simon] You like Predator. Two fangs either side. Walk like you're on the moon. - Ooh!
- Not moonwalk! He doesn't suit it. Like that... Look at us. - Like that, you do.
- Nice! But then you turn sideways
and you're kind of too thick. [Tobi] Nicki Minaj? Can we put him in there,
like a glove? - [Man] Slide down all the way.
- Here's your handle. [Man] That's how you stay
in a spacecraft for about 8 or 10 hours. - 8 to 10 hours like this?
- [Man] Yes. - How does he pee?
- He use the diapers. That's why they're thick. [Harry] Oh okay, yeah,
I get you. I would not wanna be sat
like that for 8 to 10 hours. I wanna get out. [Russian radio communication] [Narrator] To successfully
dock the Soyuz, you need to demonstrate
extraordinary skills. One lever controls your speed,
and the other, rotation. This is all about precision,
nerve and concentration. In space,
it's a life-or-death situation. All you've got to do
is just go forwards and aim. I feel like I need
to rotate to the right. - Imagine it like sex, alright?
- Shut up, Josh. [Josh] 'We are a penis,
that is the vagina.' Okay, but this is a space
station, do I need to change...? Look, Vik doesn't even know
how to get inside a vagina. Shut up, J.J.! [Josh] You're just going
in the wrong way. You're screwed. - Whoa!
- [Alarm blares] Guys, what have you done? - What?
- [J.J.] 'Guys?' -[Josh] There's smoke!
- [Vik] Have we crashed? Help! Help! [J.J.] Mayday, mayday, mayday. - [Indistinct shouting]
- [Josh] We actually crashed. [Ethan] I don't like it at all! [Volkov] Guys, you crashed
the Station, you failed. You [Bleep] it, we're dead,
we just dead in space. You guys had one job. [Vik] 'I don't know where
the reverse button is!' [Josh] J.J.,
in all seriousness, okay, could we get Vik some
instructions on how to reverse? And can we get the smoke out
of the compartment? Thank you. This is Captain Harry
to Captain Simon. Hello, Captain Harry.
Suck your mum. Harry, you're taking
your sweet time, bro. Yeah, well, my suit
is gonna be airtight, whereas you are gonna
combust in midair. Hey, all by himself. Oh! Oh, no. Do you wanna try
getting in here? [Harry] Yeah,
I'll give it a crack. Right, Harry,
8 to 10 hours like that. There is no way anyone sits
here for 8 hours! - Jeez, alright, I'm done.
- 8 to 10 seconds! [Tobi] It's not so easy, is it?
All the way down. - Aargh!
- [Tobi] There you go. No, there's no chance! He's strapping him in
properly as well. Was this part of it? I don't remember this
happening to anyone else. [Harry] Right, Tobi, we're off. - [Tobi] Are we going?
- [Simon] Guys, no! No, Tobi, please! - [Tobi] Love you, bye!
- Wait! - I thought this was a joke.
- [Tobi laughs] - Do you come here often?
- [Man] Good luck. [Simon] What do you mean g...?
What? What are you doing? Where am I going?
Guys? Guys! Guys! [J.J.] 'Right, Josh and Ethan,
you have to give Vik support.' - [Josh] 'Vik, we got this.'
- And guys, concentrate. [Vik] I know where
I'm aiming for now and I know how to go
forward and backwards. - Okay. That's my chair.
- Okay. I think we need to rotate
clockwise. Tell me, boys. 'Oh wait no.
[Bleep]! What am I saying?' - No, I'm [Bleep] listening...
- You're the commander! Oh yeah! What's the [Bleep] point
in having crew mates if they're [Bleep] useless? We're here for company. [Ethan] That's not on target,
that's not on target. [Vik] Yeah, I'm getting there,
alright? A little bit slower. I'm pulling back.
Look, literally... [J.J.] Guys, shut up
and slow down. Oh my gosh! [Vik] 'I'm trying,
I'm trying!' [Josh] I heard beeping.
Is that a seatbelt sign? Guys, you are not at
the right angle to get in. [Vik] I know, I know.
I realized this earlier but... - [Ethan] You're getting worse.
- [Josh] We're gonna crash. Vik, Vik, Vik. They didn't listen,
they don't listen. - [Josh] We're too low!
- Josh, look at my screen. [J.J. laughs] [Volkov] 'Try to use left-hand
control to the left.' So we're gonna go out a bit.
We're gonna go forward... - [Josh] Oh no, no, no...
- [Ethan] Vik! [Panicked shouting] - [Vik] Hang on, hang on...
- [Josh] That's fine! No, you don't do it. [Josh] Oh no, no! [Ethan] We're dead! [Vik] Sergey is a better gamer
than I'll ever be. Okay, guys, you crashed
and you killed nine people. [Simon] Simon to Harry?
Tobi? Guys? [Harry]
'This is Harry to Simon.' - Harry, where...?
- [Harry laughs] [Harry] 'Hello, buddy,
how are you?' How do you think
I'm doing? Guys. [Harry] 'Yeah, what's up?' - I farted...
- [Harry] 'How bad is it?' - [Simon] It's really bad!
- [Laughter] [Harry] 'He's gonna pass out!
We have to get him out.' This is a horrible fart. You know one of them ones that
Ethan does? It smells like that. [Harry] 'Oh god!
Like the ones that Ethan does! 'Definitely have to get him
out of there.' Okay, we took
a massive, massive 'L' then. - Well, you did.
- You failed. But we can move on from this
onto the next challenge... - Stop saying "we".
- You are no longer "we". Let's go onto the next thing,
and let's smash it. Let's do it, let's do it.
You want a go? - Yeah, I'll go for it.
- You stay there. You stay here, and think
about the nine people. I was one of the nine people. Every one name of those people. I'm glad I took you guys out. [J.J.] Samantha,
Suzie, Christina... Sergey Volkov,
Commander's Log. 'Against all the odds,
the Sidemen have scraped 'through to
the zero gravity flight.' Help! Health. Smart,
strength, concentration. 'This flight
will test them all.' I wanna get out. Which Sidemen will handle
Zero G, which not? We'll see. [Narrator]
Sidemen, the Zero G flight will allow you to experience
real weightlessness, just like a cosmonaut
in space. All of your training has
brought you to this moment. [Volkov]
'This is your final test.' How many times
have you done this? Not often. I've done it
maybe, I don't know... 5, 6 times,
but then, half a year... - Half a year?
- ...of weightlessness. Half a year? [Narrator] The plane
will rise to 32,000 feet, then drop sharply to 24,000. This creates
true weightlessness. In flight,
cosmonauts perform tests to prepare their bodies
for space. Sidemen, what scientific
tests have you chosen? Table tennis. Okay, let's see where
you're going with this. Come on then, you [Bleep]!
Come on! Come on then... Oh! [Screaming and groaning] - [Josh] This is [Bleep] insane!
- [Laughter] [Narrator] Ah, the classic
Sidemen crossbar challenge. [Ethan] Here we go! [All] Oh! [Hysterical laughter] [Narrator] Right, Vik,
your chance to shine. Go, Vik! [Hysterical laughter] Catch him! Catch him! [Narrator] Bring on the hoops!
That's solid science. [Whooping and shouting] [Josh] Here I come! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Woo-hoo! Whoa! [Narrator] Well, it wouldn't
be space without the hoppers. I can't deal with what
we are doing. What is this? - [Volkov] It's showtime!
- [Tobi] Oh! Aargh! I'm done. Very done. [Narrator] All this flying can
really work up an appetite. My body does not like this. Oh! [Vik] Stop! [Narrator] Oh dear. I think I know why they call
this the "vomit comet". [# Solemn Russian choir music
over audio] You know what I mean.
It feels so good to be on land. Oh! I never thought
I'd say that. Okay, Sidemen, you went
through different tests. Maybe you're not ready
to be cosmonauts yet. - What?
- I thought I smashed it. I thought it was gonna be
a happy ending. But you've got spirit.
And I have something for you. - Ooh!
- [Ethan] We get a certificate? Here we go.
We're certified. And you may take your time, I have to go to catch
my plane. See you. Oh wait, no,
but where are you going? - Plane to where?
- [Simon] Is he going to space? So...? Sergey! Mine says I'm adopted. So, er... how are we
getting home? [Josh] A nice little trip. [Ethan]
'Vik, you're not driving.' - [Josh] 'Is it safe?'
- [Ethan] 'Shotgun!' [Narrator] Well, that was
one small step for the Sidemen, and a giant leap
back into the shadows. Safe travel, boys. We'll see you
when you get back. Also on The Sidemen Show... [Josh] 'This is [Bleep] insane!' [Screaming] Aargh! [Nicole] 'I've been kidnapped
by my evil twin sister.' Aargh! - Oh!
- Go, go, go, go, go! Whoa! [Whitehall] 'We're gonna
be doing a race.' Oof! Is your name actually Bear? Oh my god! Go, go! Aargh! [Bear] 'You can run,
you can't hide, Sidemen!' - Oh my god!
- Help! We need to get
out of here now!
