SHOCKING! Bill Maher BEST Ribs Cracking MomentS... BEST EVER

[Applause] and this one goes out to our own show business industry here in Hollywood we're going to do something now we're going to do every week on this show it's called new rules and the reason why it came about is while I was off I got ever more cranky about stupid things that people were doing especially when it becomes a sheet like headlong rush where lots of stupid people do the same stupid thing for example new rule no more whining about the French at least they're standing up to the Bush administration which is more than I can say for the Democrats and by the way it doesn't make me an American to say I'd rather live in Paris than in places where cheese only comes and individually-wrapped slices new rule if you are the presidents you have to have stuff on your desk you just you just do it makes us feel better it's just new rule just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual it's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to be flip broccoli [Applause] the last time you did anything spiritually you were praying to God you weren't pregnant if we want England's opinion will dictate it to Tony Blair how can fifty nine million people be so dumb gee I don't know how many of you voted for Prince Charles oh right I forgot zero he got the job because his great great great great great grandmother married the Duke of Brunswick in 1658 sorry but I can't take any country seriously where the bar is closed at 11:00 new rule Jesus is not a candle a company in South Dakota is selling candles with the sense of Jesus you light one and your friends say Christ what's that smell it's clue the formula comes straight out of the Bible it's from the little-known letter of Paul to the aromatherapist but if Jesus had smelt so great how come everybody was always offering to wash his feet if you're blind you don't have to pick up your guide dogs poop a blind couple is headed to court over complaints that they didn't you see they would have but they can't see new rule it's just a doughnut what is up with the Krispy Kreme phenomenon it's a glob of deep-fried dough not Super Bowl tickets hardly Americans fat enough without pretending that doughnuts are hip and while we're at it if you're not a trucker a trucker hat isn't cool here just new rule no more celebrating gastric-bypass carnie Wilson Al Roker and now Star Jones roving heralded by the media for stapling their stomachs shut they shouldn't be they're not making a brave choice to change they're giving money to doctors to reroute their ability to turn food into crap it's like kicking cocaine by crazy gluing your nostril shot rule Jewish people have to start the the Jewish population in America dropped five percent in the last decade which may explain why this country's finances have gone to greed you sons of Abraham breed we need you Israel needs you Kobe Bryant Robert Blake and Phil Spector need you without Jews who's going to write all those sitcoms about blacks and Hispanics do rule don't make people who hate you hug you whatever the Bush administration is blackmailing John McCain with stop new rule one dear to my heart lap dancing is a First Amendment right the LA City Council this week banned lap dancing what is next burning books lap dancers or Imagineers as I like to call them our artists drawing you into their fantasy world much like a skilled novelist does if novelists had perfectly waxed bikini line but more importantly lap dances are expressing an idea an idea called hope to hope that someday a skinny young woman with artificial breasts and a navel piercing will want to have sex with you and without that hope millions of American men might just as well throw themselves into the Speed new role the end of friends is not a national tragedy you know used to be a sitcom just went off the air one week Darrin was complaining to Samantha about Larry Tate the next week he wasn't and nobody cared each of the characters on Friends has every other character on friends in every combination possible including the monkey let it go new rule tipping is for waiters bathroom attendants and lap dancers only what is it with Starbucks delis even dry cleaners all having little jars on the counter hmm what's 15% of blowme waiters waiters get tips because they wait on you if your job involves standing behind a counter cutting bagels in half you're not waiting on me I'm waiting on you new rule keep Dick Cheney in seclusion with the election nearing the White House had decided to bring the veep out of seclusion and soften his image please we like Dick Cheney in seclusion he's like the creature in the cradle at the end of Rosemary's Baby it's more frightening when all we see is the rattle in its horrible little hand stick to your original strategy only bring Cheney out when you're trying to make Ashcroft seem human [Music] if someone wants to run Haiti bad enough to fight for it why not give them a shot put a chicken in charge at least when it gets overthrown they left something to eat because you know Americans even though we'll eat centipedes and marry dwarves on TV we won't run Haiti because Haiti doesn't have any strategic American interests and by that of course I mean white people and oil guru when politicians speak they have to stop doing this it looks like they're giving a prostate exam to a we don't know what this means if John Edwards doesn't stop he'll give himself carpal tunnels in Roman waist the next eight years suing his thumbs oh don't punish rednecks for being redneck this week NASCAR find Dale Earnhardt jr. for publicly saying the words don't mean it can't find a redneck for that that's not just an expression of them it's the entire redneck philosophy lost your job don't mean wife run off of the UPS man don't mean I rationale for a war proves to be false and don't mean that's the beauty of the lifestyle of rednecks had to pretend they cared about stuff they be yuppie ready new rule stop saying over and over he can run but he can't hide about John Kerry since it's the exact same thing you said about Osama bin Laden who clearly can hide boy can he hide we can't find him with cruise missiles satellites or million-dollar bribes although I'll be enough he is reachable through classmates.com Oh soldiers have to follow orders in World War two there was none of this we're not going because we don't have the right equipment you want equipment during the Swiss Army if your order is to ride a skateboard through a minefield to deliver a zagnut bar to Donald Rumsfeld I'm sorry that's the deal with the army because you know what happens to soldiers who disobey direct orders that's right they become the President of the United States Oh anyone elected mayor of a place called Sin City is allowed to be a drunk Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman is taking flak for telling school trooping that he doesn't have a problem drinking because quote I love to drink and then adding that if he I could pick anything to be stranded with on a desert island he would bring his favorite gin kids personally I would bring Eve because you know that freak is packing weed don't eat anything that's served to you out of window unless you're a seagull people are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili pay it cost less than a dollar what do you expect it to contain crowd luckily it was only a finger it was a whole hand Congress would have voted to keep it alive new rule I don't need an annoying little sticker on each individual piece of fruit let me get this straight our borders aren't secure but we're still going through the plums by hand you know those stickers are the opposite of appetizing especially the one on Kiwis that says don't these kind of look like your balls oh the more complicated the Starbucks order the bigger the if you walk into a Starbucks in order a decaf grande I have soy half low-fat ice vanilla double shot gingerbread cappuccino extra dry light ice with one sweet and low in one nutrasweet whew you're a huge ass here's this much of a control freak about coffee you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important like a Danish new rule someone must stop the Cirque du Soleil if we hate the French so much how come we gave them Las Vegas there are now six Cirque du Soleil related shows on the strip six who wants to spend two hours watching a bunch of French chicks fold themselves in half you know what scratch that new rule we need more searches of last rule the fortunes in fortune cookies have to be fortunes you surround yourself with good friends it's not a prediction it's a compliment quit kissing my ass cookie if I'm gonna sit for a plate of MSG Laden twice-cooked kitty-cats I want a real fortune like that meal you just ate is going to give you cancer ready new rule for Halloween President Bush must go is either a cop or an Indian this week Bush dressed up like a construction worker he's also been a biker a Navy man and of course the cowboy you know for a guy who was anti-gay he spends an awful lot of time dressed like the Village People all right ready new rule number one enough with gays ploy patient TV Queer Eye for the straight guy hey if I want a bunch of gay men in Queeny outfits telling me how to live my life I'll go back to Mass [Applause] and we better do it soon because our

Channel: U.S COMEDY TV

Views: 390,633

Rating: 4.7105908 out of 5

Keywords: http://itsh.bo/10r5A1B Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)OCZone.org, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX2WWwMzHgI, https://youtu.be/pzufAXfhFck, Donald trump, u.s live update, real time with bill maher, best comedy, politics, hbo, cnn, late night show, u.s.a, donald trump, election 2016, u.s documentary, documentary, bill maher, john oliver, bbc, latest cnn, comedy central, comedy movies, comedy nights with kapil, comedy videos, comedy club, comedy movies 2017

Id: dmyg2TakSp0

Length: 13min 45sec (825 seconds)

Published: Wed May 31 2017