Matt McCusker // The Speed of Light // Full Comedy Special

[Music] [Music] thank you [Music] peace love and gloves [Music] give it up for my baby's daddy y'all Matt my costume [Applause] [Music] thank you thank you sorry to hot wife you guys you know thanks for coming out man you guys are [ __ ] awesome [ __ ] it's great I love seeing people out now man it was you know that was a [ __ ] up couple of years dude we all had to just hide like none of us knew anything or really what to do it was terrifying man I had a kid right before kovid like I never LED anyone through anything no one looked to me for advice ever and all of a sudden I had a family at the beginning of just like a global crisis and I don't know I don't know how I handled it I I still you know time will tell but like my wife freaked out dude I remember the day she found out she came up to me like she was like looking for guidance she's out of breath she's watching the news she's like oh they're saying some Chinese guy at a Pokemon and uh we're gonna die I just said we can't go outside what are we gonna do I did no research dude I looked at my wife and I was like look it's all [ __ ] all right I'm not saying I'm right for that I'm just saying that's that's what I did because I wanted to go do stuff and then I had to like stick to the story because that was like day three it started ramping up we were watching the news and they'd be like 37 000 people died today and I'd be like that's just statistics that's talking to a friend or friend would be like my aunt just died at covid we're like so sorry to hear that on the way home I'd be like yo your friend's a liar dude crazy but yeah that was that was a weird time to have a kid like my first kid dude you know just like have to deal with all that and then they had to like you know be a new Father which you know it's it's difficult man everyone like kind of like laughs like oh you better take a nap you're gonna be sleepy it's like it's not [ __ ] funny dude like I'm I have brain damage from the lack of sleep I like see [ __ ] out of the corner of my eyes now so you're very sleepy and also no one talks about this part you're also as a new dad you're like weirdly horny all the time you are because you know don't be shy sir he knows yeah it goes like you know your wife just gave birth so it's like she's the [ __ ] blew up dude the [ __ ] is out of order pussy's a Led Zeppelin dude [ __ ] crashed your body doesn't know that your body's just like three weeks into the thing it's like yo man we got all this come what's up dude what are we doing not right now so then you go on like a 40-day no-fap out of necessity walking around and people just started making fun of you make people [ __ ] on dads like look at this guy look at this [ __ ] dad bod look at his belly it's like dude this is a [ __ ] tumor man metastasized it's hard to figure out how to be a dad you don't know because in order here's the thing in order to become a dad you have to be a guy at some point at least a guy who is trying to get [ __ ] but in order to be a good dad you can't be a guy who's trying to get [ __ ] you know what I'm saying like case in point the dude from Maroon 5. Adam Levine he [ __ ] blew it you know what happened to him he messaged ladies on Instagram he couldn't help but he had two cool of clothes on he was like I deserve more he couldn't do it he would say a millionaire with a beautiful wife and family and even him he's in a finished basement on Instagram being like I got to see this lady's butthole I don't [ __ ] care he [ __ ] he [ __ ] threw it away so is it dad you got to lay low man you want people [ __ ] making fun of your gear this guy look at him he's dressed like a dad it's like dude I'm 37 with two kids should I wear like a v-neck with like ripped jeans and cheat on my wife dude what do you want me to do I've studied the art for my father my dad is nasty at dressing to make sure he never gets [ __ ] ever he's the Sensei dude he's unbelievable he comes up with these clothes he's like dude this is a button-down fishing shirt they have vents in the back for sweat it comes right out oh my dad just steps into a pair of Sketchers and becomes invisible to women dude it's [ __ ] awesome making kids is crazy man it's like here's the thing like you don't realize how out of control you are of your life until you have like kids like kids plural the first kid you still don't really know like anyone can have one kid it's like getting a DUI your second kid that's when you're like oh I'm not in control of this at all because after the first kid it was such like a I was so Thunderstruck by the whole experience I started like telling my wife I'm like look we're gonna like we're gonna plan the next one we're gonna wait a little bit save some money my wife was like come inside me I was like yes ma'am foreign God damn it what the hell was that do you ever like eat a muffin before and like afterwards like wait I didn't even know I ate that thing that's what it was like what part of me just ate that total autopilot dude it was to be fair to me it is the best feeling in the world coming inside of your wife specifically just be respectful here your wife not your girlfriend that's the worst feeling in the world dude you get that in the principal's office stomach you're like oh [ __ ] man [ __ ] they're gonna tell my mom not your wife that's sweet dude it makes me feel like such a gross idiot that like that was my favorite thing I traded three years of sleep to just go [Laughter] that feeling is the best man that [ __ ] just that lightning bolt I figured out that's what that feeling is that like that's all the fun you would have had without kids leaving your body at the speed of light it's like it's a decade of free time 200 000 bucks you're like oh [ __ ] and there's that like last little bit that's you know that's stuff you push out of yourself it's like a weekend trip to Atlantic City you're like [ __ ] it I don't I didn't want to go to that stuff stuff being a dad makes me think of my old man I said damn dude I didn't know what the guy was dealing with I thought it was just kind of like an angry fella every now and again I didn't know I didn't know he was a deeply sexually frustrated man I just let him suffer dude I could have been you know there had been something I could have like at least like wingman Forum dude at dinner it's been sitting at the table and like dude mom dad works pretty hard doesn't he guy works his [ __ ] ass off man it's like it's like do you want me to do the dishes you guys should watch a movie or something yeah man a new dad's only Solace there's the occasional the occasional pity hand job they're great I mean dude hand jobs are our Flowers By the way when a guy gets a hand job we're like oh my God thank you oh wow women just like phone them in man you guys are like Union laborers all of a sudden like I got 15 minutes come on let's go not supposed to do this [Laughter] guys get all like do I have do you need lotion it's like yeah that'd be great women rub you guys rub creams and stuff all over your bodies when it comes time to give a hand job it's like you're weighing fentanyl you're like is that enough the little there's sparks flying off my dick I'm like yeah it's [ __ ] awesome rule of thumb if you can't hear it it's not enough sound like wet shoes specifically that's your target [Laughter] that's not all about dads women go through it too moms go through it it's terrifying watching a woman be pregnant Jesus I'm so happy I don't have to do that that [ __ ] sucks dude you just you're a sweet wife dude she's like six months pregnant she's like how do I look and you're like like a [ __ ] thing's grown inside of you look like a freak can't say that that's the thing when you're with a guy you got to make sure he's not like a squeamish guy if your guy's squeamish he's not going to make it through the pregnancy kick him out dude my wife got so lucky because like like women are already you know self-conscious enough when they get pregnant it's like everything's changing they need to look to you to be a rock you can't Flinch at any of it like dude my my wife the poor [ __ ] thing would get these blogs she's like oh this one's saying that when I'm pregnant my nipples are going to get really big and it's like dude I've saw all the videos probably like that big thank you she's lucky I'm such a pervert anything she was worried about I was like nice dude nice it's actually hot anyone here ever drink the breast milk no no you tried your sister's breast milk I'll be back I gotta beat off uh [Laughter] can't say [ __ ] like that to me man God damn [Laughter] oh well here I apolog good job I applaud you for that that was [ __ ] weird you guys did that I did it out of necessity my wife you know she was having a tough time when women breastfeed their milk ducks can clog and you know she was like sitting on the bed she's like ah it heard she was describing it she was like it's like a dull pressurized ache and I was like oh I know that I was like I think my ducks are clogged right now I was like well use your pump man get the pump punch like the pump's not working and we just stood there awkwardly and looked at each other I was like a vampire and a threshold of the door I was invite me and just say the words I looked at her I was like she was like you would do that I was like I thought you'd never ask get out of the [ __ ] way yeah cause it's crazy because like the milk you have to like stimulate it like it will eventually let down so I was just on those things like a little suckling dude I was on there like um she's like oh my God the milk's letting down I was like okay just let me know when I backed off and jerked your nipple off ew it got it got off get me a towel [Laughter] no I'm kidding I took it to the Dome dude I jammed I was like thank you thank you yep yep I drank about eight ounces I woke up the next morning I think I think I grew like an inch I was like oh [ __ ] oh yeah sweet stuff works oh man but yeah man we have uh we have two daughters man I love my daughters to death we have two daughters and people get weird about daughters especially a lot of men will be like oh man when are you going for the boy and I'm like I'm good with my girls are like I just need I need a boy I need someone to carry on my Empire it's like dude you drive trucks for Pepsi what the [ __ ] are you talking about shut up don't tell me I need a boy if I want a boy that bad this day and age I can you know flip one of my daughters I can [ __ ] they come with that setting now you'll be like boy mode go [ __ ] you can I think that's one area of Life women have it easier than men just there's one and it's trancing can we be honest I feel like a woman becoming a man Cakewalk compared to a guy becoming a girl that's a journey dude foreign all kinds of [ __ ] impossible beauty standards it's not fair for us dude all a woman has to do to become a man is just buy like one flannel throwing a shitty haircut and we're like what's up brother [ __ ] welcome I would never trans I'm being honest I have nothing against it I just it's not for me I know I know myself I know if I did it I wouldn't do it for the right reasons that's why I don't do it I would use it like I'd use it it'd be a power thing like if I trans I would do it I would like become the most beautiful woman possible and then I would find like anyone who's ever bullied me and I'd blow them I [ __ ] [ __ ] it I blow them and halfway through pop up like it's me ha ha ha ha ha who's gay now dude [Music] I'd be like uh us I guess we're gay [ __ ] all right uh dang but now women have it women have it tough man you know I have daughters now so I'm looking up women's issues I'm I'm trying to Champion them you guys got a lot of stuff going on I've noticed I went on Google the other day came across a gender pay Gap I was Furious I just stopped I was like women have been getting paid 20 less for a hundred years for the same job as men that's ridiculous dude that's unacceptable dude women are bad enough with their money as it is we can't we can't do that it took you guys 100 years to figure out you're getting paid 20 less you dumbasses I'm a dad now this is tough love listen up ladies come on I've read an article they said it's gonna take 437 years to fix the gender wage Gap I saw that I was like girl math easily it's gonna take like 400 years it's like no it's not you're good you could fix it tomorrow literally all you have to do if you're a girl you're at an interview they slide you your job offer look at it poker face and go of the boy salary please slide it right back and if they give you [ __ ] just pop out a flannel and button it up like we're so sorry sir we have no idea yeah I'm a pretty good guy I'll be honest love my kids I rescued my dogs that was heroic yeah man I mean yeah oh please please yeah keep going keep it up all right hold on I'll be honest I'll be honest I'll be honest it was a bit of a financial decision I was looking at boxer puppies on Craigslist for like 800 bucks and I was like yeah let me see what's up with those autistic pit bulls down there let me head down to dog Walmart and see if I can't get a deal dude when you rescue dogs they make you fill out like 40 pages about yourself I had to fill out this big booklet I got two pages into it and I stopped and I ate it I'm like hey why do I have to fill all this stuff out it's like we have to make sure you're gonna give it a good home it's like aren't you guys going to kill it isn't that the whole business model you guys are gonna murder this dog right so let me just let me take it did you ever ask him how they do it I asked him I was like what do you guys got like a little Snoopy house with the guilty and how do you guys feeling [Laughter] [ __ ] blow them up I don't I don't know how they do it maybe they use [ __ ] this pack of tennis ball with C4 he's like go get it buddy huh [Laughter] I'll be honest I didn't you know I didn't realize that when you rescue dogs when you get them from that place they're like mentally traumatized and like [ __ ] up I didn't know I brought my dogs right from the place to a dog park my bad that was my bad I let him in I didn't know I opened the gate my one dog ran in there like who the [ __ ] been talking [ __ ] and just nailed another dog it was a big deal the owner picked their dog up like I'm pretty sure you guys should leave now and it's like dude my dog won I don't know I don't know people love telling you they rescued dogs man I see bumper stickers about I saw a bumper sticker recently I was behind a car in traffic and the bumper sticker said I didn't rescue my rescue dog my rescue dog rescued me it's like dude call your parents man just call they'd love to hear from you just call them up it's like we're in traffic I'm like dude this sucks enough now I'm thinking about your life my rescue dog rescued me that's like the weirdest way to tell everyone behind you you've seriously considered killing yourself before like I rescued you from what myself all right yeah I'm kind of weird about dogs man you know I'm joking around about blowing them up and stuff like people don't like that and I get it I get that but here's the thing I have like a little void within me about dogs it's like an emotional block because like when I was younger my my dad would always put our dogs down but like just a little too early monster someone dies and they're 99 you're like yeah [ __ ] good you know whatever it'd be like if they were like 70. he just liked the new model I don't know I can't there was a time one time we went to go put our dog down it was a little Jack Russell I was like nine years old I'm holding at the back of the car I'm like I'm gonna miss you so much her name is Maggie I'm like Maggie I'm gonna miss you so much my dad's like all right we're here wait in the car I'll be right back he came back like 10 minutes later just threw the dog in my lap he's like that vet's a [ __ ] come on we're out of here don't get attached we're getting a second opinion parents are good people though man my parents honestly are they're like they told me a lot about life man they're very hard working they're kind they're very salt of the earth they're very like they're wonderful people but like dude here's the thing you don't realize how much your parents have in terms of book smarts until you get like a little bit older like it did first and second grade they'd help me with my homework they're just like dude circle square red blue and I was like this guy's a [ __ ] Wizards man this is crazy but then I remember around like fourth grade math they'd start being like no you got it you go help them to be fair the problem was one half divided by one-fourth I was sitting there I was like Dad I don't understand he was like [ __ ] how hard can it be it's fourth grade they got you dividing fractions it's like aren't they already divided it's like that's what I'm saying and he had a good idea he goes go to the back of the book they keep the answers back there all right here we go flip to the back of the book it's one half divided by one-fourth the answer is two we just looked at each other like right on for sure it has like went outside and played I was like what the [ __ ] was that it's one thing to have your your parent confused by the question but to also be mystified by the answer is tough it's tough dude though to be fair to him dude I still don't understand if you have one half of a pizza and you divide it by one-fourth of a pizza you get two brand new fresh hot delicious pizzas delivered to your door in under 30 minutes or less no yeah man my uh my parents sent me to a Catholic grade school which was fantastic another great move Catholic grade school in the 90s was weird because I think they were still figuring out how to do it like all my teachers they were all women they didn't hire any dudes it was all women teachers who cried five times a day these ladies would just start crying they're like hey they start crying I'm like a little kid being like Look Linda everyone's 30s are tough we're gonna figure this out personally I think you should be fired if you cry as a teacher more than three times three strikes I just I have no I have no patience for that man like dude I couldn't I couldn't see a group of kids getting to me like that I would destroy them be like I'm a loser okay yeah [ __ ] oh well yeah that's why I made twenty seven thousand dollars last year dude let's be beeping my mom's car out the window I'm like yeah that's basically mine right there yeah I went from there to an all boys Catholic High School and Jesus Christ that was worse I went from crying ladies to senile priests when priests lose their minds it's like do they go pure Da Vinci Code it is so scary these guys are fully losing their minds we'd be sitting in class and they were just we this one guy's name is father mukluk just fire him based on the name it's like no he was nuts dude he he stopped class one time he was just we're sitting there you know we're learning he was like boys if you're going to masturbate we're all like we just quit dude we're all we're all in a patch dude we're cold turkey it's like boys if you're gonna masturbate make sure you look at yourselves in the mirror and don't think about girls this was Spanish class Bible I was like and then the next day he came in he's like boys if you're gay you go to hell it's like dude you try to [ __ ] us yesterday man which is it that used to scare me when I was little on the priest would be like if you're gay you go to hell I was always like I was a little kid man I didn't know I had two older brothers all they did was call me gay I for a while thought I was going to hell for being bad at video games that was such a terrifying way to picture God as a child like I was trying to like really get a good sense of what God was when I was younger and I was like picturing like a like an aggressive frat bro ruling the universe just some guy staring down on Creation with like a cut sleeve robe just like what the [ __ ] dude you imagine that guy watching your life that's terrifying just pausing it at the end like dude you let your ex-wife play with your ass in Punta Cana it's kind of gay bro you gotta justify yourself you're like dude I was at the [ __ ] pool bar he's like oh day drinking [ __ ] dude going in there yes I'm in yeah people don't really care I feel like about like the you know traditional gay stuff you know gay marriage all that stuff that was a big deal a while ago nobody really cares anymore I think that's a good thing weirdly though there's still like five Bakers down south fighting the fight you know those like cake shop owners who won't make cakes for gay weddings they're like rambos in the woods dude they don't know the war's over that's such a weird arena for that type of thing too like two gay men walk into a cake shop and the owners just [ __ ] jerking off an icing bag like dude we love [ __ ] in this cake shop we're not down with that [ __ ] you guys here let me get back to finishing this sugar dove I'm gonna finish this cake and finger my wife dude it's like get out of my cake shop you guys that's like the gayest way you can be homophobic I don't know here's the thing though here's the thing they do have the constitutional right to deny services to whoever they want and I love the Constitution so it's it's shitty because the Constitution does rule but also it's like make the boys some [ __ ] cake I feel like here's what I think we should do to solve the problem it's like all right Cake Shop owners they have to make the cake it's in the law you gotta do the cake but they can make whatever cake they want just a seven-tiered layers of hell [ __ ] just two melting grooms [Laughter] or whatever I don't know speaking of gay guys I uh I have a food allergy I have a gluten allergy dude it sucks I know it sucks my uncles all give me [ __ ] they're like you just do this gluten stuff for attention it's like it's like the only attention I get is you guys calling me a [ __ ] that's I don't want that dude they picked me off I go to family parties I walk in I have my whole family with me like oh [ __ ] Marsh it's Matt you can't have bread uh do we have any bowls have come in the refrigerator [Music] I'm trying to do a comeback I have nothing I'm like Dad that would be so much calm there's no way you guys [ __ ] yeah it is it's you know it's weird having a food allergy because like you know people on like weird diets I'll try to recruit you when they find out they're like like my brother was a vegan for a while he's like dude you got to go plant-based he almost had me like I do like the idea of not hurting animals I was like that is pretty compelling but I have a problem where I always see both sides of things so I also kind of dig the idea of killing a creature and absorbing its powers by eating his flesh but for me where I kind of like you know where I Tab out I don't like with vegans I don't like when they eat imitation meat when they eat like soy chicken and tofurkey I don't it's not for me it's just weird man it's like a you're doing the thing you say you don't that's like walking around saying you're not gay and sucking on a dildo that's how I feel then you got to be like I mean yeah technically you're correct but uh that's a very strange choice like no man it's a textural thing it's just there's something to be said for that real dick feel you gotta try it man all right take your word so now I have to go to Whole Foods you know if you have a food allergy you have to go to Whole Foods they have all the stuff you need it's annoying because it's all so expensive the food there is just ridiculous and it's also like a culture shock to go from like a normal Philadelphia grocery store to Whole Foods you go to Whole Foods everyone's all like ah they're all peppy like well hey what's up man like I'm used to like regular cashiers like an Acme just ladies just [ __ ] slumped and defeated dude just a Grandmom with two big wrist guards on their arms [ __ ] slug into Deer Park like it's wiping tears off the belt [ __ ] that's what I'm talking about [Music] you're going to Whole Foods they pick up every item like oh what's this I never had this before it's like of course you have it you're a cashier you can't afford this [ __ ] [ __ ] the [ __ ] in the bag everything there is expensive dude everything in Whole Foods is super expensive and the reason why it's kind of a weird reason like every product in Whole Foods is designed to make you feel like you're a good person like everything you pick up a bag of sugar it's like two percent of the proceeds of the sugar go towards some kid in a [ __ ] up country the kid is so sad it's having such a bad life and his mom's mean to him too and if you buy the sugar we'll give them some shoes maybe and you're like oh that's nice I get all invested I'm like my boys out there you fill your cart with all this stuff you're like dude I am a good guy let me go check out and you see the sales tax you're like ah that goes towards bombs for that same kid dang it foreign [Applause] I'm like yeah maybe we'll get the shoes first that'd be nice you know I can pilot flies away from decimating a village like you see the moccasins on that kid oh it's nice to know there's it is weird that products are designed now to like make us feel certain ways morally that's a I don't know man that's like when the like the medieval Church used to sell indulgences where like you could buy your way into heaven that's what it feels like to me it's it's kind of creepy and it's funny because like no one knows this dude the first company to do this was Stouffer's they did this years ago I think I was the only one who noticed Stover said this thing it said let's fix dinner that was the whole campaign they didn't do anything they just put a fact on all their boxes of food the fact was families we eat together more than five nights a week or fifty percent less likely to have children who abuse drugs and alcohol that was it you just go yeah okay sure it's got nothing to do with Stouffer's like if your mom's at home microwaving your dinner five nights a week there's a good chance that she does drugs and alcohol dude yeah man it's tough it's tough for the information man you don't know you don't know what's what I get tricked all the time I constantly get tricked or [ __ ] a while back I was I was in a vulnerable point in my life and I saw this article about microdosing and dude honestly it's it's cool but like the way it was presented was misleading it was like there was this thing it was like Silicon Valley executives are taking a little bit of LSD and a little bit of mushrooms and crushing it in the boardroom I saw that and I was all like am I not high enough at work I thought I was thought it was pretty high the hell and then I had like a temp job at the time so you know I took a little mushrooms in the morning and they called me like hey we don't need you today so I was just in my room like am I crushing it I can't tell I'll tell you it doesn't work for sure is macro dosing weed edibles and working for your father for five years that's not it's not the way that was tough man my dad does construction so we'd be in like a trench I'm running a tamper like Dad do you think worms are ticklish see my father be physically disappointed as [ __ ] I feel like you when I grow up he's like dude you're 32. I I don't know I don't know but yeah that period of my life that wasn't a total waste of time honestly I was basically I was high for my entire 20s I was just stoned all the time and I like I did learn some stuff I learned some Secrets I think I think I learned I learned some Secrets dude I learned how to drive by the way I can be so stoned and drive no problem I'm not saying you guys do it but like I can tell you how if you wanna if you want to know if you guys might be high right now you're gonna drive home you gotta do what you gotta do here's if you're way too high to drive here's all you do just [ __ ] you just look at the road signs and you do exactly what they say I think that's what they're there for you see 35 miles an hour you're like strapping in there we go no turn on red I wouldn't dream of that that's yeah man you got to be careful online man I always you know I try to like keep my YouTube algorithm clean of all the political stuff because that'll get me riled up and I like to watch YouTube to fall asleep at night I just watch videos it just helps me pass out but even like sometimes like that you think the safest video people still get in like we do this thing where like everyone's stepping on each other's necks to be like I'm a good person this person [ __ ] sucks and like we're running out of people to do it too now so now it's just like dude I watched a video on Benjamin Franklin totally safe this will be cool it's like a 10 minute video all those like diplomatic missions and inventions the top rated comment was some lady like yeah he was a piece of [ __ ] womanizer he cheated on his wife just [ __ ] nuts I'm like that's what you're going after colonial era infidelity that's all right [ __ ] ruining my night but so now I'm making a case for abandoning my head I'm like yeah yeah he cheated on his wife they covered it in the movie by the way they didn't lie I'm like he also invented electricity imagine if it was always dark after 6 pm and then it wasn't because of you ever see Benjamin Franklin's wife beat b as hell it wasn't her fault all the women back then they didn't have vitamins their oldest [ __ ] they all had those big thick truck driver forearms from constantly burying their kids that's all they did back then [ __ ] look it up all the [ __ ] kids die don't be [ __ ] that's how it was back then Benjamin Franklin's inventing electricity his wife's just at home just burying quadruplets just hitting the Frosted ground like I can't even right now I hate Mondays comes home he's like babe you'll never believe this she's like grab a shovel Ezekiel Four's down we gotta get in the ground [ __ ] it is funny Ben got caught because like dude he was taking a boat to France before the internet and just [ __ ] ladies and he was like no one will ever know about this and then he [ __ ] [ __ ] bragged in one letter and we're like oh got him [ __ ] got him Divine [ __ ] was the bomb [Music] [Laughter] got him that was a shitty time period to live man a couple hundred years ago dude dude that was like so tough man dudes would just die like there was guys whose lives would consist of them just walking in the woods one day and twisting their ankles and just laying there for two weeks like oh then they die that was it 'd be a family of 14 kids the dad would go out to get firewood just like [ __ ] himself to death it would get cold they don't sit there like dead I like to take my modern problems and I filter them through like would this have mattered 300 years ago it doesn't work I still obsess over the dumbest stuff it doesn't do anything for me but it's a cool thing to think about you know it's like like even dude take our worst thing dude take covid that sucked that was bad could you imagine explaining covet to Benjamin Franklin you might get some perspective like oh dude Ben we got hit with a nasty pandemic he's like oh I got the little ones but yeah more like our 80 year olds he's like you guys have 80 year olds holy [ __ ] man that's great well it also hit the obese pretty bad too he's like what the [ __ ] the obese man then you get defensive you're like I heard you cheated on your wife actually let's talk about that let's focus on that scumbag he's a piece of [ __ ] for that I would never cheat on my wife man I love her to death man my wife took me in at a bad time dude I was a divorcee I was scandalized that's tough to re-enter the dating field when you're when you're divorced man it's hard dude you know because like you just you get divorced you just shatter your soul into a million pieces then you have to just eventually go on dates you feel just like a blown out vet all right I guess I'm going back you're gonna [ __ ] Bennigan's with some lady and she's like and that's when I discovered nursing was my passion you're like [Music] ah it was weird too because like you know my wife when we were dating initially I had been married and she had never been married before so that's like an awkward Dynamic that it that feels like like you're watching a movie with someone where like you've seen the movie and they haven't you know you're out in the beginning they're like this is great you're like yeah wait do you see the end it's pretty sad and [ __ ] up it's pretty bad actually you know it's not that big if you clap it up your parents are divorced it's not that big of it I'll clap it up right now there we go yeah yeah man yeah man my parents are still together sorry about your parents that's a shame so but no one would clap foreign is anyone engaged by the way is there any engagements [Applause] hey yo there's the man right there you did you do the engagement photos oh it's the best seeing your friend look like a huge [ __ ] on Facebook [Laughter] you didn't put on a pumpkin like [Laughter] brother I did it twice don't feel bad man second time's dark dude you're gonna Charlie's Angels pose like I wish it was a real [ __ ] gun I'd shoot myself why are we in a park [Music] [Laughter] [ __ ] sucks but no man I'm married I love it man I I'm in a really hot interracial relationship you guys know what I'm about my wife's black and I'm Puerto Rican it's pretty sick now I'm white I'm white I'm white it is cool my wife's a black woman she can say like whatever she wants total freedom of speech it's awesome she'll like but she'll drag me into conversations where I have to be like hey I don't know if you know this but white guys are kind of on house arrest right now you go ahead yeah black women can say whatever they want except for Whoopi Goldberg for some reason they're on Whoopi's ass man it annoys me she would apologize recently for using the word gypped yes you'd apologize to the American Gypsy community she had to burn 30 seconds of prime time TV to say sorry to four toothless carnies just some guy fixing a ring toss like that [ __ ] [ __ ] better take it back [ __ ] [ __ ] laughs no man my wife will just like dragged me into these conversations where I'm like I don't know I don't know how to respond man it's like like I invited her on a double date not too long ago and it was like a kind of a weird situation as my friend he's a white guy who just started dating this black chick which first of all I'm kind of like that's my thing yeah that's kind of annoying and then it's like you don't want to go on a double interracial date single day is perfect because like you guys like we're saving the world we're so tolerant once you're in like a double interracial date now you're like enthusiasts or something it's [ __ ] you're swirling a glass like we like what we like you know it's weird but I told my wife the situation I'm like come on man we should go you know we haven't been doing anything let's go on a date my wife was like what kind of black is she level two I don't [ __ ] know man how to can't possibly answer this I learned about a lot of white stereotypes too being with I I hear stuff I'm not supposed to hear there's a lot of weirdly specific stereotypes about white people you guys probably have no idea about I always like walking on conversations where I hear them and I'm kind of like I just opened my door I walked in on one recently I opened my door my wife was talking to her aunt on speakerphone it's a cultural thing and I I open my door I open my door it's a custom be respectful and I I just opened the door to her aunt being like you know white people don't care about their grandparents and I was like ah damn it dude [ __ ] that one's true that hurts that's I didn't know anyone knew about that how the hell they know it's true my mom calls me every like five months she's like you know your great aunt Brady died I'm like Mom do I you'd have to go oh my God [ __ ] all right I have to go literally ID the body at the funeral I go and I'm like oh [ __ ] that lady uh I hate funerals then you have to like try to like talk to a dead person in your head it's always I just panic I don't know what to say I just like it's just like I just rattle off some [ __ ] iced tea would say on NCIS and my crime doesn't pay you [ __ ] punk laughs yes it's fun though man it's cool you know being in a relationship like that I get like having a black life is a confidence booster sometimes certain situations it's like dude like customer service disputes bro black ladies like the Navy Seals of customer services they [ __ ] it's crazy I always I'm first wave on the scalp I go up I'm like hey I noticed our flight's delayed you know how long that's going to be by chance I'm like sir shut the [ __ ] up dude sit the [ __ ] down I'm like all right I always give him another chance I'm like are you sure you'll never guess who's following me up dude [Applause] I go I just tell I'm like it was that lady right there she comes back five minutes later with like a 50 gift card she's like we're taking off throwing on the pile yeah it's not all fun and games man we do deal with stuff we still have a race problem in this country you know a lot of perceptual stuff you know like there's just like sometimes you will just be looked at differently and I you know it is what it is like I I here's the thing I bought us a pair of matching sweatpants from Walmart I thought it'd be funny it's not nobody likes it but there's like pattern weird looking sweatpants and like we still have them so sometimes like laundry just works out the way we're we're just out of stuff and we both wear them we don't even think about it we'll be out like running errands in our matching sweatpants and we'll be like like arguing in the electronics department at a Target and I'll see the people looking at us who work there and I know they're thinking we're one of those crackhead couples I know whether they think you know those couples that like walk along the side of the highway together just visibly Bound in failure for all to see just you know those guys they always make me laugh I'm like why the highway what the hell checking Google Maps like I said it's going to take five days and four hours we're gonna take the turnpike come on I love those guys it's like the heroin Oregon Trail you see them out there like God damn Prospectors see their sweatpants catch the wind you're like oh my God it's beautiful yeah we argue it sucks I hate arguing with my wife I wish we didn't what we do we've been together for so long it's like embarrassing at this point you know because we we don't even have anything to argue about our arguments are like they're like abstract they're like philosophical battles at this point they don't even it's like a house like ancient Greece dude we argue like my wife it's like stupid stuff like I'll be downstairs like hey make sure you load the dishwasher before you go to bed tonight and my brain does that thing where it's like delete [ __ ] control alt delete I don't do it on purpose my mind's just like this other thing's more important than I just thank you I hate that I do that but then the next morning you know it all crashes down on me she's like why didn't you load the dishwasher and I'm like I forgot she's like how did you forget I'm like you want me to explain the absence of thoughts it's a logical fallacy and I want we argue with the toilet seat that's so embarrassing I hate that man just so stupid and cliche that you know yes you all the time and I dude I'll put it down I don't care I'll put it down sometimes I forget you know and I'm like all I'm asking you is just [ __ ] gently lower it don't slam it like an [ __ ] just [ __ ] just put it down is that the end of the world I'm like what's the worst thing that could happen by it being up she's like I could fall in there at night time like what do you run to the bathroom ass first and jump what the [ __ ] so now I do I put it down every time but I also put that little one too I put that down like [ __ ] you I dropped that down and I pee on it a little [Laughter] you can't win arguments with women man they'll just destroy you it's their game you think you win they'll wait like three weeks and just [ __ ] Lance you it'll be three weeks later she'll be like what's up with your teeth laughs what do you mean she's like oh never mind I'm like what the [ __ ] they'll get you with their celebrity crushes that hurts man just stop stop doing that man that hurts us we were watching the movie Fury do you ever see Fury World War II movie Brad Pitt army tanks awesome movie we're having a good time we're enjoying it halfway through Brad Pitt pops out of an army tank he just like won a battle he's like yeah his shirt's ripped I'm like yeah how does a shirt get ripped inside of a tank but I'm not ruining it first I'm quiet he pops out of the tank you can see like his stomach my wife didn't even say anything she just went um now I'm watching a whole different movie I'm rooting for the Nazis now I'm Googling [ __ ] I'm like yeah the economy was pretty [ __ ] up no one wants to talk about it [Laughter] but yeah man she's a good girl though she's always trying to get me to come out of my shell you know that's a big thing she's always trying to get me to like kind of open up a lot and you know I appreciate that but like she's always like I want to know like what's your top fantasy I'm like you know I don't I'm old enough I don't want to do anything new it's like you can you take a chance on a fetish you can't go back like there's some out there if you bust that out that's it like sir do you know what cuckolding is you've you familiar with the term do you know what it is ma'am yeah it's when a man burns with a desire to see another man with his woman we're not into it he's [ __ ] freak dude guys that's an example it's like dude you can't like rewind the clock on that if you set that up if you don't like that that's a problem just some guy just slamming your wife and after like five minutes you're like yeah you know what guys no that's actually not what I like at all hey it's your co-worker like Dave stop Dave it's like breaking up a dog fight like come on get out of there knock it off that'd be terrible man my wife always what's your top I don't know how to tell my wife and my top fantasy at this point is just a woman being nice to me that's all I want that's all I want man my top fantasy right now is we're driving I make a left turn my wife goes where are you going I say it's a new shortcut I figured out and she goes cool oh babe I'm about to turn off the GPS she's like do it I'm like oh my [ __ ] god yeah but my wife my wife she's you know she's a more bold and kind of outgoing my wife likes role play which is you know I do it obviously I'm a sexually desperate man but [ __ ] bro it's so weird because she'll just [ __ ] you know I don't have time to prepare for the role she's just like bam go and I'm like because in order to have sex when you're married before you have sex you have to go out to dinner and eat like a ton of food which most nights it ends up with like two just stuffed people looking at each other going like nah [ __ ] scrap it we'll do it later but on this night you know the planet's aligned sitting on a couch we're full just grossly making out a married couple just [ __ ] uh just like two slugs mating just uh try to force blood to our genitals then my wife you know just brings a roll on me she goes you're not going to tell my husband about this are you uh you want me to practice cheating on me with you all right um well your husband's a good man and frankly I he's been a good friend to me and I don't know how I feel about our trust actually ma'am good day and you know no she's like seriously don't ruin this I was like all right fine fine fine so I got into care I got real deep into character dude I grabbed the back of her head and I was like your husband's podcast is so [ __ ] funny you guys are awesome thank you so much [Applause] [Music] [Music] it's a trip [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Matt McCusker

Views: 2,126,363

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Id: o7zmTSSZwb0

Length: 56min 5sec (3365 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 02 2023