Setting Boundaries for Yourself and Others

okay team here we go oh gosh oh don't you know here we go hi my name is father mike schmitz and this is ascension presents a years ago i was having i had a meeting with one of our focus missionaries she was our team director and so we were at a coffee shop and we had our weekly meeting trying to check in how's the team doing um how is minister on campus going and at one point our coordinator texted me and i said oh that's heather i'm just gonna she asked me a question and i'm just gonna type no i didn't like said it out loud um like here's the text message that came in i'm just to tell her no and our team director she said um yeah it was a really big moment she said um could you please not do that when we're in a meeting i was like wait wait do what could you please not answer your phone or text people while we are in a meeting and i was like oh my gosh yeah i just thought you know i just thought it's a quick answer it's a one-word answer two letters that's it i'm done now i'm back to you and she was like i understand but please don't do that when we're in a meeting and so that was that was the last time i ever did that in a meeting with her you know it's interesting i've done it in other meetings i've done it with other people where we're having a conversation pick up the phone oh there's a little goes off and i send the message back but with her i didn't and it just it made absolutely clear this what i think is a truth that we get the behavior that we are willing to tolerate we get the behavior that we are willing to tolerate in that moment she made it absolutely clear to me she was unwilling to tolerate that behavior and so all right the the expectation has been communicated i've received it and i agree i know this now you are not willing to tolerate this behavior you know it's it's interesting i sometimes find myself being late arriving to meetings late but i find myself arriving to meetings late with the same people there are some meetings that i am never late for like absolutely absolutely ever i mean sorry obviously we're all human sometimes but there's some i'm always late for and the only difference is not because i respect some people more than others it's not because i respect the importance of this meeting more than others the only reason is because they tolerate my being late when i'm meeting with this group of people or with this person they tolerate my being late and so i'm like oh great the truth of the matter is we get the behavior that we are willing to tolerate and we get this behavior that we're willing to tolerate when it comes to other people i mean honestly if i'm not willing to stand up if so if someone texts during a meeting if someone is consistently late if someone consistently fill in the blank whatever that behavior is someone talks rude to you on a regular basis and we are willing to tolerate it then that's what we'll get but if we're not willing to tolerate it then that's what we'll get and this is the you might say that father is not that simple you're right it's not that simple because whenever we establish clear boundaries a it's difficult to establish clear boundaries because we have to clearly communicate here is the behavior the level of behavior the kind of behavior that i'm willing to tolerate we have to make sure that they actually agree to it and secondly we have to be we have to be willing to enforce that expectation expect to enforce that boundary for example if you deal with someone who consistently speaks sarcastically to you is consistently rude to you is consistently you know abrasive in their speech and you clearly communicate at one point you know sometimes when we're having serious conversations you get sarcastic um and it makes me feel terrible or it breaks the conversation down or whatever the thing is so because of that i'm gonna ask that you don't do that that's establishing a boundary and then you're establishing the consequences and if you do we're gonna have to take a break and we'll talk about this another time like something like that so what that means again i have to understand my boundary i have to clearly communicate that which takes some courage and then i actually have to follow through when that person gets abrasive when they get really loud if you don't want them to be loud or it gets really sarcastic and demeaning in the moment you have to be willing you have to we have to be willing to say okay that's the behavior that i'm not willing to tolerate because the truth of the matter is we get the behavior that we're willing to tolerate now that's true when it comes to others again we have to know our boundary clearly communicate our boundary and then be willing to essentially enforce that boundary there got to be consequences or we're just going to get more of the same but the same thing is true for ourselves we get the behavior out of ourselves that we're willing to tolerate how many times have you and i said oh i i want to be someone who does x whatever x is i want to pray more i want to read i want to read my bible more i wish i had this podcast called the bible in a year i could listen to but we have this these ideas for us i don't want to fall into sin the way i fall into sin but when it come when it comes down to it we're not willing to establish boundaries for ourselves and so what do we do we get the behavior in ourselves that we're willing to tolerate so maybe it's a situation where i want to be a person who's more honest i find myself uh deceiving people i find myself fudging the truth i found myself manipulating others i want to be someone who's genuine authentic someone who is trustworthy i want to be honest but i allow myself to fudge i allow myself to manipulate i allow myself to kind of deceive or deflect and so what do i find in myself that i found that i've gotten in myself the behavior that i'm willing to tolerate at some point you know um all of us are faced with the decision that decision is for whom am i going to live so same ignacious of loyola he had this this exercise and the exercise was it's called the two standards they are the two like banners the two flags the two sides of the of two armies essentially whose army are you gonna be part of whose banner are you gonna stand and fight beneath there's the the banner or the army of the evil one and there's the banner or the army of the lord and he says at some point you have to decide am i gonna if i just and myself just here i am i'm i belong to the evil one in fact by birth we belong to the evil one it's only by baptism that were brought into the army or brought into the family of god to have a less little less militaristic idea but ignatius of loyola makes it very very clear this is a battle going on it's not just a family it's also you know the church militant we have to choose a side and if i've chosen the banner of the lord god if i've chosen to be part of his army his family the church militant then what i have to be willing to do is saying okay in that case here are some behaviors that i cannot be willing to tolerate in myself that's not just you know white knuckling it that's not just on my own discipline my own grit it's also with the grace of the lord god himself but his grace is yours he offers you the grace to belong to him fully he gives grace to everyone it's just that so many of us tolerate us not saying yes to it we get the behavior that we're willing to tolerate in others and in ourselves and so what's the behavior that you and i would get to the point of saying okay when it comes to this group of people or this individual i can't tolerate that anymore to have the courage to be able to clearly communicate that and the courage to follow through with it but also what's the behavior in myself that i'm not willing to tolerate anymore to establish that and then to strive after that you're not going to be perfect at it we're not i'm not going to be perfect at it we're not going to be perfect at it but to set that behavior set that expectation and say all right i'm going for it and if when i fall i go back to the lord but i go back to the lord with humility but also with this determination that from here i'm gonna move forward i am not willing to tolerate this in my life anymore because if we are that's what we'll get anyways that's what i think i don't know if you disagree maybe you've tried it a thousand times maybe you've failed a thousand times but is it wrong is it not true and that's the thing i'm interested in i don't know you can comment you can subscribe you can uh let me know what you think anyways my name is father mike from last year decision presents god bless what do i say my name is father mike from olives here from all of us here at ascension presents my name's father mike god bless what the heck it's like my first video ever holy smokes

Channel: Ascension Presents

Views: 182,230

Keywords: Fr. Mike, Fr. Mike Schmitz, Ascension Presents, Ascension, Ascension Youtube, Ascension Press, Father Mike Schmitz, Fr. Mike advice, Father Mike advice, fr. mike schmidt, boundaries, setting boundaries, st. Ignatius of loyola, tolerating behaviors, God’s grace, God’s fight for us, catholic relationship advice, boundaries for myself, positive thinking, goal setting, how to be virtuous, stop people pleasing, self help, catholic mental health, healthy relationships

Id: WiS1mKYbyKI

Length: 8min 48sec (528 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 24 2021