Series 14, Episode 9 - A New Business End | Full Episode | Taskmaster

[Music] [Applause] whoa [Music] oh no shut up [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you welcome to Taskmaster I'm Greg Davis and I've got some news for you the end is nigh the penultimate episode is upon us and what a giant spin to watch these pumped up athletes of task perform their skill rage is so broad they're together they're like a giant human Swiss army knife I'll leave you to decide which of them is the weird thing for getting stones out of horses hoos that no one ever uses but I'll give you a clue it's John Kearns so let's get on with it shall we please welcome Dara Bree from ready foreign and sitting next to me a man who recently confided in me that he thinks that the refuse team that collect his bins every week are stupid and don't deserve to be paid what's the category of the day please Alex I like the question and I hope you like the answer it's the most underestimated item guess what there are five points at stake for the most underestimated item and at the end of the show the winner will take home all five underestimated items and there's a good chance they'll have gone up in people's estimation by them John I brought in a a penny most underestimated item just a one pence piece then yeah lowest value thing we've ever had yeah that's the wheelbarrow right and there was a thousand pound in 20 pound notes yeah you're taking that one I presume oh I'm Wheeling that straight home yeah so am I yeah if there's a wheelbarrow with uh a thousand pounds worth of pennies in it yeah I think you're just going that oh no I take that out I saw a thousand pounds worth of pennies I'd go yeah no that's worth Wheeling now same amount of money that's why yeah yeah I was uh I was banking on you saying you'd just leave it I mean I honestly think John sometimes in this round you're provoking me can you lift our Spirits after that 100 so I've brought in a Zimbabwean trip Boomerang show him Alex here it is okay [Laughter] any of you ever heard about the Norfolk Panther widely discredited it's gone I was out for a walk in the forest I've got my trip boomerang in my pocket because you know Norfolk was like a war zone in those days oh yeah I hear a little rustle in the bushes and I'm thinking cool that's a pheasant but as I walk the Russell starts to follow me so before I know it now I'm running okay and I can hear literally trees moving bushes rustling this thing and I'm being chased by the panther like I know those footsteps so without thinking I grabbed the boomerang swing it I throw it and carry it on running and the reason I know it hit the panther is because if it didn't I would be dead someone's dog wow I mean that is absolutely rubbish okay okay um this is looking pretty optimistic I think I've brought in a bottle opener keyring okay you're not a party you don't have any social skills you don't have very many friends people don't want it yeah who is this character it's me and my everyday life and then someone says has anyone got a bottle opener and you say yes me and then people want you they keep you in their life I think I'm a bottle opener key ring for maybe seven years now and it's been incredible so basically this is what Fern has brought in says something doesn't it how do you two feel about the fact that I'm genuinely considering putting this above yours no no that can't be Sarah I've been in my current relationship for 16 years yep and we decided to start this there it is okay which is The Joy of Sex we just thought we'd work our way through it start to finish but the problem as you can see there's a bookmark we only got eight pages in and we gave up we massively underestimated how long it would take and how much effort it would take given that we're both in our mid to late 40s we got up to the page where it suggested you eat food off each other we over did it we had to have a nap didn't work you ever used food during sex oh yeah yeah everything what haven't I done chips done thank you Sarah you have underestimated your own sexual appetite absolutely Dara what have you brought in something humble which is in fact great which is the humble fish finger sandwich we have one here it is a comfort food it is light it is incredibly easy to prepare yeah it is the friend of all hungover dads who have to prepare a meal for children kids love it it works it's done fast and straightforward and I think because we live in a world of burgers and chains the fish finger sandwich is the next Food Trend can I say something Darren I hope you'll take this in the spirit it's intent I will you throw so much information out sometimes I sometimes feel I'm at a chicken auction [Laughter] give me five minutes it's incredible I do I'm sorry right I should score these I'm giving them you one point oh yeah one year one I mean unbelievably John I can't believe it what you mean you can't believe a penny two points to John's penny Okay you shouldn't underestimate a fish finger sandwich I have to take Sarah's word for the fact she underestimated The Joy of Sex and Fern's um beautiful story about the power of the bottle opener means I very much have underestimated the Box okay then so what I'm going to do is give them all three points three points yes right right three point three point three points two one there are no winners there tough time okay yes it is and this one started off as a tie break task but then we decided it was something that everybody should see so here we go [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hello so smiley today I like that little voice doesn't look feeling good oh I'm feeling great it's not a new one say a minute hello Sarah [Laughter] it's always that you're on to me yuck snort the blower raspberry then whistle then repeat that sequence for one minute snort raspberry whistle the most most time starts when you next snore I don't even know how it's not so what is a snort in or out can you do a snore I can't whistle but you know you practice whistling before snorting oh you'd love that I support standard game of international snort raspberry whistle my understanding of the test I suppose it is it would appear a few members of the cast have reached adulthood without learning how to snort a whistle and to demonstrate this we begin with Fern Brady breath here we go I've got to start the watch have you started we [Music] laughs [Music] thank you that's what I would say I mean it was basically a fairly intimate film of a breakdown did you get any completed sequence no no no I really had high hopes for you winning an episode before the end of this I won that one oh I think you won that one because I kept trying okay well let's see two of them together now John Kearns can't whistle but Sarah Millican here we go laughs [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] I don't know what happened there I feel a bit dizzy but in quite a sort of good way you were very focused can I do a horn just to Center myself [Applause] I mean frankly compared to the last effort we saw you look like a professional she thought that time had Stood Still For a Moment it's called a Kairos moment people experience it with grief or this yeah it's about 18 Cycles in a minute that's pretty good John the whistling absolutely destroyed your game now we know you've been working on your Wesley can we see an in studio whistle his glasses off normally John competition conditions there are still two potential snort raspberry whistle triathletes left to go so here's how Dara and Mania got on the thing is this will make me look unattractive so can I Shield myself different aspects of my career and model could still be one now I'm gonna pick us you know snorting raspberry and five foot threes in Baldwin are they [Music] [Applause] foreign walking past your bedroom every night I'm too dry to snort [Music] it's getting dry now 10 seconds oh man [Music] I could have just taken you with Lafayette oh yeah the little mucus I had I worked it now we're getting to the business center for this competition I mean that's the first question I want to ask really is why monya you opted for a perverts whistle I thought it was easier to do every time you did it I sort of covered myself up um Dara yes this is what I uh wrote down Tara looks like he's going to turn his head inside out but the speed of the [ __ ] exclamation mark I get into quite a quite a role with it all too give me some statistics well Dara was faultless with rhythm completed 17 Cycles money are 24. oh more than one item every single second what are the scores are you happy to reward John and fern for taking part yes I think they should be rewarded for taking part in which case they get two points each for coming joint fourth three for Dara four for Sarah but money of Chihuahua I get Five Points yet to win an episode the only one so far she's in second last on five Sarah's in the lead with seven points of course Alex okay and play [Music] hello she's open shouldn't I think what oh my God right a one minute one person play best script wins you have 20 minutes your time starts now okay gold pen also this is thick paper that's a lot of gsms isn't it plays aboard plays before yeah I found one the other day that I wrote on the Tesco checkouts in Bathgate it was quite misogynist and uh ages but you wrote it I wrote it yeah yeah okay yeah [Music] interior day [Music] the audience walking right then [Music] seven minutes left John how many words have you written that's not important [Music] door in Brackets I mean the teams I do I cannot imagine what this plays gonna be like I'm buzzing well we did get five lovely plays written by five lovely people but what to do with them well this is what we did with them [Music] [Applause] [Music] hello hi Fred a script by John Kearns meaning by Fern Brady don't know what this is gonna say oh my God yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah age and perform this one minute one person play best performance wins you 30 minutes your time starts now okay I'm gonna read the play first sales is gonna be good mine was you know what mine's piss easy there's no lines man okay this is very good I said no dialogue oh you dick oh I remember it was really good it was really action-packed there's lots of stuff happening in my woman at play might want to play with much better than this it's gonna go for it and just let the emotion take over me so let's make me a woman hostage cross-legged wow you can tell he's young it's not been long since he's done assemblies that's what I'm assuming there's a lot of creative differences Sarah was Furious there's no two ways about it she was angry I wanted to create another worldly experience because I once read that if you sellotape two ping-pong balls over your eyes and then play White Noise you will hallucinate I wanted to create that for my actor yeah John's lost it he knows what's coming I think I know which play we're all looking forward to and they're getting scored separately here on their playwriting ability and their performance yes they are a lot of points at stake so first to tread the boards and Performing Fern Brady's play meaning it's Mania Chihuahua oh God [Music] thank you hey let go of that oh my head [Music] my head I'll be in there but you're talking now you can hear me Things Are Gonna Change around here no more making me dance for Instagram likes no more pictures or Halloween costumes no more forced cuddles I'm done being your affection slave I'm my own person but it's just why do you hunt the kitchen sponges because if you I should be over there in the wild killing instead I'm in here hunting and out of my objects we all seek meaning in our lives no matter how trivial it looks on the outside I'm just doing what I can to get by oh [Applause] I loved it I love the existential acts of the cat she had a head injury so you don't know if she ever did hear the cat or if it was all just dinner coma of course why didn't I pick up on that duality of meaning tell me about your character you see that cat yeah yeah it looked a lot like the Norfolk Panther so the emotion just overtook me fear the danger the panic and yeah I think I would have died in that situation Fern what is a play about I just I love thinking about if my cat could talk I'm not sure yeah and that came through it came through loud and proud let's see another play okay it's another cat play this time it's Fern Brady's performance of Sarah millican's play [Music] I'm sitting in a cafe and it's good oh hello meerkats well it's not a cat cafe they can't call it a cat cafe since the law changed and they need the cat's consent he died last year but I don't miss it because it was an [ __ ] it wasn't makeup it was bananas but when she went into the home she made me taken even though he was always a dick to me I'm the only one left to visit so now and she mostly remembers me it says it's my clothes and says I look tired away man I'll tell her about the cats here she always likes to hear about them Mavis on the chair Charlie in the window she brightens all the names like she knows them too check my phone seven missed calls from the home oh [ __ ] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Enchanted by performance and narrative it put me in mind of Alan Bennett it was like an Alan Bennett yeah it was I was really nervous because I hadn't met Sierra until we got here so it was really horrible knowing that my bad impression over was coming out I liked it every electricity especially the hardware man next up it's monier's play the power of silence and much to her annoyance the actor performing it Sarah Millican foreign [Music] [Music] oh man yeah it is rubbish Ed though because you might have experienced something did you see something um well firstly no because my glasses were on the outside of my ping pong balls I didn't see anything at all um I thought to be honest it was the sort of thing I'd avoid at the Edinburgh Fringe um I just say we decided to commit and to do it as best we could so I hope you're pleased with what happened you're happy with how it went I think yeah it's sensational who's next okay well strap yourself in for John Kearns oh God [Music] Jake here should I say hello honey I guess we're doing this me going amorse you lead in the ground team what a couple we make you and me T-minus 45 seconds all right all right I know you're just doing your job I get it that's why y'all the big boss and I'm just a flying guy strapped in for the ride been like our marriage huh no I know I know 30 seconds honestly we should be proud of while we overcame not every couple get over the things that I did okay final checks engine go thrusters ah navigation system hahaha uh honey the navigation system don't seem to be connected T minus a second well how am I supposed to land on Mars if I ain't got no nothing minus five seconds starting the navigation system thank you that is an epic story as the author yeah out of the piece I'm I mean I thought you did a wonderful job I did a fantastic job of getting it across I wouldn't have gone as Southern I have to be honest yeah I thought it was absolutely fantastic genuinely made me feel very bad about what I've written finally then it's the old fest himself Dara O'Brien performing John kearns's piece here we go [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] all right [Music] no no it's okay tell him that's okay [Music] well I'm beg to differ Beckett said words are a stain on silences and nothingness yep when you've got a tattoo at that that was exceptional you reminded me of Brando in Apocalypse Now I mean all joking aside to her I genuinely found myself drawn in by your performance initially when I opened her said oh [ __ ] there's nothing here uh that was my initial reaction to reading the script and then I realized the point is to inhabit the character there's and and and create your own character within the eight words of dialogue well you're gonna have to double score this uh I'll do performance first right I'm gonna give them on your two points well done on your two points right this is my most controversial thing because I think you were hampered by your play it wasn't a play and I'm going to give you three points because I think you cocked your head brilliantly and you walked out of the room in an excellent way and munya well to use an old Showbiz term he's [ __ ] you over big time Fern's performance was amazing thank you and Doris was amazing what about John but it was overall good I'll give you four points these two they were genuinely strong acting performances I'm giving them Five Points okay five today money is played it was pretentious nonsense I'm giving it one point one point yes okay we go I felt the space epic was slightly overwritten I'll give it four points I'm gonna give all of the others Five Points I couldn't separate okay Fern John answer I get five points for the play sort of task where I have to do less work I sure do Greg let's art [Music] hello oh hello first oh this is good because I haven't brushed my teeth today this looks random no oh is it not random is it not random the sausage in the plank and the toilet paper it's random Alex just drop it low oh what do we got choose one item from each plinth definitely not a word and bring them into the lab you have one minute your time starts now right there's that sausage yeah I know a undercooked sausage when I see one it's a vegetarian sausage [Music] I'm gonna do toilet roll and never go anywhere without a toilet roll and then brush [Applause] definitely not touching that I am going to use a electric toothbrush and I'm going to use a blender brilliant what is this this is just a sheet isn't it not just a sheet let's say is it a valid feta cheese no it's a queen size sheet [Music] well wait wrong way I can paint with a big brush and if I shoot myself I'm fine paint a self-portrait using your brush or sausage on your other chosen object massive fitted sheet you must use the business end of your brush or sausage what's the business end of our sausage portrait you must be wheeled in your brush or sausage you're obsessed with sausages bro best sell portrait wind you're 15 minutes your time started when you entered the lab this is dead good so I'm using it like a paintbrush there was no rules to say I had to use the whole business end this isn't gonna work well it's a nice little swells here's first wait just wait the end will blow your bloody mind okay the Delica lines are the face and neck may be more difficult to do yeah I've never seen someone just do the eyes and then the body can you see because the brushes [Music] there's something I don't think would be in our shoes when the sausage gets contaminated if you want me to get your cloth to clean your sausage I can have a cloth to clean my sausage yeah I'd love that what am I color my eyes brown we do not have brown look at this doesn't look good at all Balayage red oh my God oh like a cocky color I could get a job for the Army doing their outfits oh a lot of texture oh no no I'm doing that now you've got six minutes and 25 seconds on you Roger that a dog oh what's the business end has fallen off is it a new business end or do you have to use the original business I'll be in this situation before yeah what if you want to show us on the inside let's Venture inside my anatomy Modern Art yeah I'd say I'm done there you know what you can give me another hour I would make any other artistic decisions there I think that is me [Music] bye-bye I'm gonna have a bath now Tara talk us through the um Eyes First system I thought I'd get the blue right I wanted the blue of the eyes too because everything gets really muddy when you're painting with a toilet brush it just gets really messy so I thought I wanted the the blue of the Ice is very striking so I'd do that pure lovely so in your piece we're going to be drawn in by the eyes initially I think that I think the other thing that's most going to strike you about my opinions this is Dara's self-portrait with the standard materials toilet brush on bed sheet [Laughter] wielding the item that you were using in the picture and he is doing that we can see this next to himself you not only did yourself you also did the mountains of Ireland in the background it is oh is that what they are that's what they are I'm actually obscuring many of the other mountains of Ireland they're they're just behind my head does it remind you of Chris witty or not [Laughter] that's what I'd say okay well compare it to this and this is Fern doing a self-portrait using a sausage on a toilet seat whoa she's with a sausage this is a weird episode there are things that are actually properly good this is the first in Taskmaster history well the only thing I've been good at out of any of the tasks was any artistic ones first is brilliant it's a brilliant painting with a sausage yeah do you want to see it with her actual face oh yeah of course yeah just as a comparison she looks more realistic on the left [Laughter] if you squint that Fern's picture there's a tiny face trapped in the nose [Laughter] [Applause] you're right and I'll judge the painting on that face now here's Sarah's self-portrait done in the classic style painted on a toilet roll with a broom oh absolutely I genuinely remember this is going well this is it next to Sarah's face I mean it's got glasses on and some red lips I had a massive brush and toilet roll I think it's all right shall we take a look at John's sausage on lural picture here it is oh pretty good what does the green represent those are the Irish mountains [Laughter] do you want to compare this to his actual face it's good the guy on the left does look like he's wearing those joke um glasses and nose combination Potato Head I think [Music] laughing but the eyes represent how deep down it's a great crushing sadness I really think it's excellent thank you who is next last one says of course Mania wielding a toothbrush on a wheelie bin oh wow why did you have long boobs I wanted to paint with a sausage but I have a bit of a sausage phobia because when I was at Uni I was so scared of going into my overdraft I used to buy 30 sausages for 15p and as you can imagine there weren't any sausage in them why did you buy 50 sausages for 15. [Laughter] do you want to see Manya next to him on you it's just weird it's just weird one yeah there we go oh identical [Laughter] let's get these done quickly all right well here are all five forgive me Sarah as much as I enjoy your haunted face coming to a brown roller brush one point to Sarah Millican right now this is interesting [Laughter] well I think so but there's never been less expression in anything two points to Dara and whatever that oh bloated bin body three points three points to money yes I'm giving John Kearns Four Points Four Points to John and the undeniably excellent sausage work of fern Brady Five Points congratulations quick look at the scores I can tell you she's not won an episode yet but Fern is in the lead with 20 points [Applause] okay everyone please make your extra stage the final task of the show foreign [Applause] towel as tightly as possible around your body you have 30 seconds pretty straightforward you have 30 seconds everyone ready and they're off Greg yeah different methods as always we've got next we've got ankles we've got wastes this is a second part that's right would have thought so [Music] yeah okay place your hands on your head although you have to as well okay all right place your hands on your head and keep them there until the end of the task get your towel completely in your bucket start on the whistle please um [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] yes there is progress I'm so tired [Music] anything [Music] [Applause] Sarah's gonna be there for the rest of her life I did the first part of the test really well time's up and if it's your final scores coming to join me thank you wow wow wow some of them tied it too tight in the end yes but that means they did the first part of the task very well very well too well for John and Sarah who came in joint fourth Fern valiantly in third place Manya in second place but Dora bring us to Five Points he won the car which means Dara on 22 Fern also on 22 and one it's 23 she's won the episode the underway unless he comes yours for him anyways so what have we learned today isn't that yeah that's at first you don't succeed try try again and to prove that point I'd like to end the show with another success story I've been working with him in the break now to finish the show it's over to John [Music] laughs hey it's the final match how did that happen but for now please applaud tonight's winner one more time it's Fern Brady [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] for more Taskmaster subscribe now [Music] foreign

Channel: Taskmaster

Views: 644,123

Keywords: Taskmaster, Alex Horne, Greg Davies, Frank Skinner, Josh Widdicombe, Romesh Ranganathan, The Horne Section, Tim Key, Dave Channel, UKTV, Red Dwarf, Would I Lie To You, 8 out of 10 cats, Taskmaster full episodes, james acaster, dara o'brein, fern brady, john kearns, munya chawawa, sarah millican

Id: TWnCnBjdvz0

Length: 45min 26sec (2726 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 22 2023