It’s a perfect day for a wedding. On a warm spring afternoon, a beautiful bride
and a handsome groom are exchanging the special rings they had custom designed and made for
each other. As they take turns placing the rings on each
other's fingers, a man standing at the end of the wedding party steps out of position. He approaches the groomsman next to him and
reaches into his jacket, taking out a pair of pliers that he hands to the groomsman. The groomsman happily takes the tool and then,
without any hesitation, shoves the pliers into his mouth and begins removing his teeth
one by one. When he is finished, he hands the bloody teeth
to the man along with the pliers. The man then goes to the next groomsman who
repeats the same process. He continues going down the line until all
of the groomsmen and bridesmaids have removed their teeth, seemingly without pain or resistance. The man then approaches the bride and groom. He hands each of them half of the pile of
teeth, which they gladly accept. They then begin to eat the teeth without delay,
seemingly not bothered by the intense damage they’re causing to their own teeth and jaws
by doing so. The man watches as the groom moves the priest
who was officiating the wedding aside. As the entire church looks on in joy, the
groom opens his mouth and the deafening sound of cicadas are heard. This is only the beginning of what the SCP
Foundation has labeled an SCP-2852 event, a terrifying and little understood phenomenon
that is better known by the nickname of the anomalous creature responsible for them… Cousin Johnny. The Foundation had been trying to contain
Cousin Johnny for decades - not that it’d ever done them any good. Johnny is a Keter-Class anomaly that’s thus
far proven impossible to contain. This is an entity so dangerous and volatile
that three different Mobile Task Forces are devoted to detecting and disrupting its activities
- MTF Upsilon-36, aka The Party Crashers. MTF Upsilon-52, aka Cater Duty. And MTF Upsilon-99, aka The Altar Boys. But so far all the Foundation has been able
to really do is swoop in afterwards and do their best to pick up the pieces of people’s
shattered lives. Cousin Johnny has so far been observed to
only operate in the North American subcontinent, and only seems to appear at Anglican or Catholic
baptisms, weddings, and funerals. However, Foundation operatives charged with
keeping a lid on Cousin Johnny harbor the hidden fear that he may one day expand his
hunting grounds, and wreak terror worldwide. If Johnny became multinational or multi denominational,
his violence, insanity, and pure evil may truly become impossible to minimize, so compatible
communities are constantly monitored for increased levels of juvenile delinquency, sterility,
domestic violence, and divorce. After all this, you’re probably wondering:
Who or what actually is Cousin Johnny, and how does he cause so much horrific tragedy? At face value, nothing about the appearance
of Cousin Johnny would suggest an anomalous nature, or even any sort of danger. He appears to be a middle-aged white male,
often with scruffy hair and a beard. On a cellular level too, Cousin Johnny appears
all too human, but when you look at his physiology it’s a whole different story. Cousin Johnny has no identifiable organs whatsoever
- his body is made out of a fibrous muscular tissue. The only exceptions are his teeth and hair,
which are made of a kind of chitin - a key component of insect exoskeletons, such as
those possessed by cicadas. Johnny’s eyes are the first clue that something
is off about him. From a distance they appear perfectly normal,
but up close, they’re glassy and dead. This is because his eyes aren’t actually
attached to any nerves inside his head. With no nervous system or vocal chords, Johnny’s
ability to see, move, and talk defy any kind of logical explanation. His speech will seem completely normal to
the people under his spell, but to anyone else, it comes out as complete nonsense, often
described as word salad. If people in attendance are briefed in advance
about this phenomenon, whatever hypnotic ability causes them to hear his sounds as intelligible
words won’t work, and they’ll be aware of how nonsensical it all sounds. But of course, that doesn’t mean they’re
safe. Cousin Johnny appears at family gatherings
and religious rituals, and immediately, he’ll be treated as though he’s always been there. You know your Cousin Johnny, right? You go way back. Or at least, you’re pretty sure you do. Nothing will appear unnatural about his sudden
presence. In fact, if you’re one of the victims of
one of his incidents, chances are, you’ll actually find yourself taking a shine to Cousin
Johnny. Sure his sense of humor is a little crude
and raunchy, but you can’t help but enjoy his company. He’s a fun guy to be around, and after all,
he’s family! As previously mentioned, he’ll only appear
at three different kinds of events: Baptisms, Weddings, and Funerals, and only at those
that are affiliated with either the Catholic or Anglican religions. The SCP Foundation has classified baptisms
that Cousin Johnny attends as Blue Level Events, Weddings are known as White Level Events,
and Funerals are Black Level Events - with each one escalating in severity, violence,
and horror. First, Baptisms - the Blue Level Events. In these events, Cousin Johnny will appear
and begin to act as a third godparent, despite there traditionally only being two. As the infant is lowered into the holy water,
the entirety of their top layer of skin will come off, like a molting snake. Despite looking horrific, this apparently
causes no harm to the child. The godparents will then eat this discarded
skin, as though it’s the most normal thing in the world. After this, the family will leave the church
together, and Cousin Johnny will leave with them. He won’t appear at any subsequent celebrations
of the child’s baptism. If this is where it ended, it’d be extremely
gross - but not exactly a living nightmare. Of course this is just the beginning of the
terror. Following Cousin Johnny’s appearance at
the baptism, the child’s risk of dying in the next six months skyrockets, and if they
survive, they’re at an increased risk of becoming unstable and violent later on in
life. Their parents and godparents will both become
unable to conceive any further children, and are likely to be found dead from drowning
within five years of the event. Those who were only tangentially involved
in the baptism ritual have a massively increased chance of failed pregnancies, or - if they
do conceive - they may become a danger to their offspring. Children who live through Blue Level Events
and survive past adolescence, will experience adverse side effects when encountering the
songs of cicadas well into adulthood - from experiencing physical sickness to going through
dangerous psychotic episodes. Weddings, or White Level Events, are more
complex and severe. In this case, Cousin Johnny will insert himself
into the wedding as a groomsman, and the most horrifying events will begin to take place
after the vows have been exchanged. Johnny will provide various implements that
allow the bridesmaids and groomsmen to remove their teeth, which are then given to the bride
and groom to eat - which they do, causing severe damage to their own teeth in the process. The groom will then vocalize an unknown cicada
call at an incredible volume, as loud as 140 decibels in some instances, rendering the
bride and everyone else near the altar completely deaf. At the wedding reception, where everyone is
continuing to behave as if northing out of the ordinary is happening, Cousin Johnny will
ruin things further by giving the best man’s speech. The speech is more of his typical complete
nonsense, though if you’re there you’ll never realize this, and think that this is
the best speech you’ve ever heard, with some in the audience laughing hysterically
while others cry uncontrollably. Once his speech is done, he’ll present a
gift to the newly married couple… 3.5 kilograms of human hair in various colors,
13 deceased specimens of a certain cicada known as Linne's cicada, and 23 human teeth
in a cardboard box. DNA tests on all gifts have been inconclusive
as to their origin. Much like many celebrity marriages, unions
that occurred during White Level events never last, and all end up divorced within two years
- often as a result of domestic violence, and any children born during their brief marriage
will be violent and unstable. But it’s not just the wedding party that
gets to experience the fun of a visit from Cousin Johnny. All married individuals who attended the wedding
will find that they are unable to conceive children, despite no biological indicators
of infertility. Any children present at the White Level Event
will show no interest in romance throughout their life, and often die tragically before
reaching the age of eighteen. Finally, and most horrifying of all, are funerals
- or Black Level Events. While Blue and White Level Events can potentially
be disrupted before they are completed, lessening or preventing the horrific results, there
is as yet no way to stop or prevent a Black Level Event at any stage. Any attempts to prevent Cousin Johnny from
entering the church or funeral home will lead to him simply manifesting inside. Once in the room where the funeral is taking
place, Cousin Johnny will first take up the role of eulogizer and begin speaking his standard
nonsense to the attendants. The person who was emotionally closest to
the departed will then open the casket, if this was not already an open casket funeral,
and will then produce a large knife. It’s unknown where the knives come from
as they’re not present before the event and they disappear after. The funeral attendees will then use the knife
on their wrists and sometimes throats, draining their blood into the coffin. Many lose more than enough blood to result
in death, but none ever die from this, nor do they seem to feel any pain from their wounds. As the attendees take turns bleeding into
the coffin, Cousin Johnny continues his eulogy which eventually evolves into a cicada song,
the kind sung by Linne’s cicada males. The attendants sing the same song back to
him in a kind of call and response. Cousin Johnny will then approach the coffin
and vomit in a mixture of blood, wood pulp, and dead cicadas. The funeral will then proceed as normal, and
the blood, vomit, and cicada filled casket is then taken to the cemetery and buried. Black Level Events will usually end with the
body being interred in the ground, but if there’s a wake after the funeral, the horrors
of the Black Level Event will continue. At the wake, Cousin Johnny will climb on top
of a table, lie down, and encourage the other attendants to devour him, which they do - all
while he continues to talk his nonsense. Until there is nothing left. Much like Blue and White Level events, being
in attendance leads to horrific after-effects. All participants who experience this event
will separate from their family through either suicide, moving, or divorce. Every individual present at the event will
also find that they are no longer able to produce offspring, and couples present may
also fall victim to incidences of domestic violence, often involving cannibalism, that
usually leave one or both participants dead, while six out of ten children involved will
attempt to murder one or both of their parents before they turn eighteen. These Black Level Events are so horrible for
all involved, that any members of the specialized Cousin Johnny Mobile Task Forces that happen
to witness such an event are treated with Class-A amnestics before they are transferred
to another task force or retire, to ensure that they don’t have to live with the memories
of what they saw. Prior to that, they are closely monitored
for any strange or anti-social behavior to make sure they weren’t affected by the event. And they aren’t the only SCP Foundation
staff at risk of having been impacted by Cousin Johnny. It is theorized that as many as a third of
Catholic and Anglican D-Class personnel were involved in a Black-Level event at some point,
and were driven to madness and violence by their fateful brushes with the strange relative
that no one knows. So next time you’re at a baptism, or a wedding,
or a funeral, stay vigilant. Keep an eye on the other guests. And always ask yourself: Do you really have
a Cousin Johnny? But since you’re already here, go check
out “SCP - 3001 - Red Reality” and “SCP - 4205 - In The Eyes of The Beholder” for
more!
