Say WHAT ?! (3-Hour Reddit Compilation)

what is the best rumor you have ever heard about yourself not me but a dude i was in high school with apparently died in a motorcycle accident goodbye posts for him flooded my facebook feed days later we found out he was just playing pool somewhere and had no internet connection must have been hilarious for him after just two days of eighth grade i had e coli that landed me in aiku for six weeks the rumors spread like crazy about what happened some said i was i was poisoned others thought i had stomach cancer at the varsity football game the announcer asked for prayers as he told everyone i wasn't expected to make it through the night no doubt i was really sick but my favorite was that i was airlifted to florida to have a stomach transplant since no human stomachs were available it was a cow's stomach that would be transplanted the irony here is that the e coli came from a burger a few years ago i volunteered in a desolate little village way up in the northwest corner of georgia the country then as now i was a brown-haired blue-eyed ginger-bearded translucent-skinned irish-american after six months of teaching i left the village for a week or two of summer vacation by the time i'd returned a room i had spread among the villagers that i was actually black datto told me that you are black okay well who told darto that he just said he heard it around all right but look at me how am i black i don't know comma they say that you are black but you are lying about it comma this went on for a month or two then a rumor started spreading about the irishman in the next village over that he had gone on a bender into policy blown all his money and hiked some 150 miles home so that took the heat off me for a while this would be a perfect sitcom episode on something like it's always sunny in philadelphia i started in a kitchen and every time i would walk and someone would turn off the ceiling fan and everyone would be suspiciously quiet with their pots and pans turns out the boss convinced them that i was some duper secret soldier friend of his who has come back with shell shock ceiling fans remind me of choppers and loud noises will send me into a rage it was hilarious because i'm the most laid back passive dude ever that is actually really sweet of them to be so considerate of your condition i had a week off school because i was run over by a milk float thank you older brother i got straight tackle hugged by the 300 pound guy who taught me how to fix xerox copiers he had heard one of his ex-students died and he thought it was me so when he saw me on the street he was stoked pretty sweet considering it was only a two-week class it was just recently apparently i quit my job and started a poster making business definitely not the case and weirdly specific when i was in high school i made out with a girl who knew one of my best friends i found out a few days later from my friend that the girl was telling people we had slept together and that i was apparently really good double-edged sword that one i fell out of a balcony later that week i got a message from a friend in london asking if it was true that i was pushed out of the window of a girl's apartment well there must be some reason you fell of that balcony so when i was in high school i burned my wrist while taking a pizza out of the oven so had to wear a bandage for a few days for it to heal some girl that was in my french class told people that i tried to kill myself she also asked me did you commit suicide at one point yes i committed suicide and i'm dead now that's why i'm sitting here i got that at school burned my wrist on the edge of an iron trying to pick it up cackhanded was called into the office and grilled on whether everything was all right at home once i realized and explained my formed tutor laughed called me a clumsy tee and told me to frick off out of his office he was an awesome teacher i heard a rumor when i was 16 that i had slept with some boy at my school he had been telling everyone all about our supposed night of loving so i told went along with it told people he called out his mum's name wanted me to spank him and call him a naughty boy i went so far as to say that when we were done he asked if he could lick my toe best revenge ever i went along with most of it but i absolutely refused to let him use the furry costume his fursona was just weird i don't care how much he begs i'm not calling him wedgie apparently was dating six different co-workers in two months of work all at separate times in reality i was one of the few guys that said job capable of talking to and getting along with whoever i worked with that i was dating an older woman for cash it was in my last year in high school i started to work out and wear clothes that fitted me better and somehow people concluded that my transformation from ugly duck to not so ugly swan had something to do with an older woman paying me for intercourse more than one teacher tried to help me to get out of this life god bless them props to your teachers for at least attempting to help misguided but nice that i was in a drugs gang and moved away from a city because of rival gangs i moved from london out to the countryside when i was 14 15 because my family hated the city just before we moved one of my close friends was murdered by a gang that thought he was somebody else he was completely innocent it was just a case of mistaken identity there was a picture online of him me and a few other friends someone at my new school saw this picture and assumed because my friends were all tough looking black guys they must have been in a gang and i was friends with a guy that just got murdered in gang related activity people thought i was a badass and so many of the popular kids wanted to be my friend because they thought i dealt coke the funniest interaction was a guy shouted something at me and i just told him to frick off and walked away he's twice my size and could easily kick me butt and starts wanting to fight but his friends quickly step in and say how he should be scared because i know people that would freak him up all of this wore off once they actually spoke to me and realized i was just another nerdy kid that happened to be friends with tough-looking people one of which was murdered basically people from the countryside were scared of black people and anyone that is friends with them i've had multiple friends independently come to the conclusion that i'm gay one of them right after congratulating me on my new girlfriend it's okay i had a girl ask me if i was gay immediately after freaking when i was 13 i was dating a 17 year old cheerleader a kid saw me going into her house a couple times a week and sometimes in the yard together truth our moms were friends and my mom hired the cheerleader to tutor me because i know math goodly i returned to college at 30 after breaking up with my boyfriend and moving in with my sister i made new friends and most of them were couples probably because my new friends were in their 30s and 40s lots of times folks were having barbecues ordinaries at their houses and i was catching rides to get there with random sets of friends because the car i purchased with cash was a hooptie sometimes i stayed over at people's houses because i had to get up for school in the morning and their house was closer whoever picked me up that week was obviously the couple i was currently sleeping with that rumor went around for three years before i figured it out i heard by my now ex that i was freaking anyone in here that had a vag didn't take me long to figure out who made that rumor when i saw who she was dating after that i wish that rumor were true but i would have never cheated on her to begin with sports day in school girlfriend's best friend told literally everyone that would listen that when i sat down on the bench after my race she could see my dong in the gap between my shorts and my leg and that it hung down by the side of my leg to quote her he's hung like a horse i'm really not but i was grateful for the amount of female attention i received after that i dropped my high school girlfriend during vigorous stand-up intercourse which caused her to throw her back out and be unable to walk properly x was an absolute brew and told everyone that i'd freaked her hard enough to cause a back injury making me a legend around school for a week or so she didn't even spill the beans when we broke up six months later x is the real mvp when i was in high school for reasons unknown i guess it went around that i was gonna bring a bomb into school with this rumor going around a lot of kids avoided me and often talked about me behind my back now i found this situation hilarious and petty so i decided to start pushing it along i started carrying my lunch in a small wooden box that i carried around with the rest of my stuff that i would keep underneath my desk when asked by other students what it was i would reply along the lines of it's not your problem or a you'll find out eventually eventually this drew a lot of attention and a couple days later the principal called me into his office stating that i was causing a mass panic that he called my mother and that he needed to see what was in the box when she arrived alas it was only my lunch and i played them to the rumors and my mother was peed that she came all the way here just to see what i packed for lunch great times the rumor was that i had aids rumor was based on my sudden weight loss turned out they got the wrong illness i had and still have cancer that went from to real quick man when i was in high school there was this kid we'll call maker he was a straight-up dong all the time but he never touched me he always just used words like to talk a lot of crap about me as much as possible it seemed he started rumors about me all the time and the weird thing was i never really understood why like i had never done anything to this dude anyway in 10th grade my mother my sister and i went on vacation to virginia and we were gone for like a week when i came back everyone was keeping their distance and making weird faces at me when i walked by my best friend came up to me and was like mika told everyone your family all got body lice and you had to be out of school for a week while you were getting rid of it i tried to shake it off and not worry about it but it was really freaking bothering me that day after school i was waiting on my ride and micka was also waiting on his ride so i confronted him in front of like 15 other people and asked him why he was always talking crap and spreading lies he tried to act stuff a couple of times but i wouldn't back down and told him basically in so many words that this was going to be a fight and that we were past the point of talking and that lousy little bee ran from me and so a new rumor got started that maker was a bee only that rumor was true and then he later got kicked out of school for selling pills to people so i feel like everything worked out in the end i saw in an online forum thread that apparently i've taken up pizza baking as my new career when i was 16 they had just put up the goal posts in our local park me and a couple of friends were playing a game where you take three steps in the six yard box and then jump and grab onto the crossbar it was too easy so i decided to try and make it with just two steps i ended up just getting my fingertips onto the crossbar falling hard on my back and pretty much snapping both my forearm bones in my right arm i had to spend the nights in hospital and missed a day of school when i came back with my arm in a cast these are just some of the reasons my friends had told people i'd been off toby a boy in year 7 at our school who was a legit giant must have been at least six feet at 12 years old mugged me for my arrow b pro shouted toby smash and broke my arm a huge dog knocked me down i got hit by a car i got hit by a car trying to get my frisbee back from toby they pretty much changed the story for every person they told we all got a good laugh out of it frick toby visited samoa in 2009 while a tsunami hit a friend back home spread a rumor throughout our school that i was swept by the wave and broke both of my legs and almost died supposedly two people cried for me my boss was a very attractive female i am a male she told a couple of my co-workers that i am gay because i never hit on her people started asking in subtle ways my orientation there was a rumor going around my primary school when i was there that i had a big dong some people even referred to me as bed big enormous dong sadly it is far from true i used to work in a secondary school the rumor with the kids was that over the summer holidays i left to fight the undertaker i didn't put them straight on that one that i was a hit man aged 22 i was in prison and had recently been transferred to a new facility one of my old friends was there let's call him joe and upon greeting one another he walked me around the yard to introduce me to everyone this is a pretty normal disguise with me sort of courtesy which typically allows you to bypass the usual working out where you fit into the pecking order fights so joe's walking me around and last of all we head over to this table where some of the older guys were playing cards because this was our last stop i understood that these were the most senior serious people he introduces me to each of them and then goes and boys this is h8 speech he is a hit man now he was joking and usually nobody would ever take a line like that seriously however there was a sort of confluence of circumstances the first thing was that half the guys at the table were colors so it's not too far off possible the second thing was that my mate joe who'd been walking me around is a serious gangster and everyone knows it so it was plausible that he would now hit men the third thing was that obviously he and i knew each other from way back and nobody else knew how the fourth thing was that i got peed off at him for saying this and told him off see i realize these guys are bad [ __ ] i don't want them thinking anything like that and i don't want them thinking i'm even claiming it but i didn't think hey i should be careful what i say to joe because i knew him so well to me he was just my major to everyone else though joe is pretty impressive and so when the young guy me tells him off in a peed-off voice then they kind of think whoa crap's about to go down because you don't talk to guys like him like that when joe apologized instead of stomping on my head they figured i must be a real badass and that therefore joe had been telling the truth i was wearing that rat for the next few months awkward many redditors called me a fat american neck but living in my mom's basement i'm a skinny asian girl and my mom doesn't even have a basement hahaha good one dennis i'll see you at our next dnd campaign buddy this week she's sleeping with the boss we saw them share a bottle of wine after work what us the guy is married with kids overheard this whilst i was in the washroom the following week she is a lesbian during the party she was hugging the girls whilst singing karaoke make up your freaking mind i can't be sleeping with my boss who's male if i'm a bloody lesbian you freaking to watch you can but only if it's for professional reasons rumor gay stoner reality unattractive straight drunk i got better i had a small thing with a girl the summer before my parents shipped me off to military school on the other side of the country i was sent because they believed i needed to be more focused on my academics well apparently this girl saw an opportunity and she took it i got out on winter break a week before my old school did so i visited one day at lunch and i was basically shunned by everyone some of my old closest friends wouldn't even talk to me i said frick that and got out of there and never looked back a few years later i was at a party and saw the girl she looked at me and froze like a deer in headlights then took off running one of her friends came up to me and said are you the guy and i explained i had no idea what the frick was going on her friend informed me that i was sent to military school as a punishment for abusing her and then stalking her when she tried to break it off and that she had to leave the party because she had a restraining order against me it was all news to my ears at the time eventually after a few years things wore off and now one of my best buds is dating her it's funny how the world works that i had a foot long dong she either had really poor eye judgment or she honestly had no idea how long a foot was either way i thought it was all fun and denied nothing until i realized that it might have led to me having to disappoint a size queen sometime so as much as it pained me at the time i had to go lol that's ridiculous when someone was up front and asked chauffeurs who drive around rich people what are some of the weird shocking conversations you have overheard not a chauffeur but this happened because of a lack of one basically a guy i used to know back when we were teenagers 17 years old had a lot of money we just never knew how much until i was invited to go on holiday with him and some other friends all expenses paid of course anyway we took a taxi to an area where this guy wanted to buy an apartment and wanted to show us so we went with him and ended up spending the whole day walking around the area we got tired and eventually wanted to go back to the house but we were so far away that walking was not an option unless we wanted to walk for about three hours neither of us had enough cash to pay for a taxi and back then taxes didn't accept cards this was around 2000 or 2001 btw so this guy rings his dad and asks if he could send a chauffeur to pick us up but the chauffeur turns out was busy doing some deliveries for the dad so instead the dad says there's a mercedes-benz dealer shop near where you are i know the manager there is i've bought several cars from them just go there and buy there and buy a there you can leave it in the house and we'll figure out how to bring it home later so we went to this dealer shop and somehow in about 30 minutes the manager did all the paperwork and we ended up driving back to the house in a brand new mercedes c-class which we used for the rest of the holiday frick billy bob thornton was doing radio press for a movie about to come out meaning he had to stop by six seven radio stations for interviews he wanted to have a cigarette in the vehicle on the way to the next interview but i had to let him know our company has a no smoking policy in our vehicles he asked me to call the owner to make an exception but the owner said no and it's a 250 cleaning fee if he smoked in the vehicle he asked to stop by a bank came out and handed me five thousand dollars cash and said here's for the whole god damn pack he smoked in the car the rest of the trip later i got up the nerve to ask him if that's the most expensive pack of cigarettes he's ever smoked all he said was not even close never explained it further i think about him often picked up a wedding party bride brian's maid and bride's boyfriend who was paying for the wedding they had a magnum of champagne and we drove around for quite some time while they snorted c in the back they were using rolled up fifty dollars s and twenty dollars s then tossing them to me in the front seat as tip money i dutifully brushed off each bill and added them to my wallet pretending not to know what was going on with a couple argued off and on about showing up to the wedding apparently she felt weird about getting married and he was trying to convince her it was a good idea finally dropped them off at the church and he slipped me a matchbook with his name and number written on it but yeah it was the late 80s and i was a young woman one of the only female limo drivers at the time in that city scored a sweet leather jacket with the tips from that night so many weird stories i was a bouncer at a club in the 80s and only 18. i never knew c sex and tanning booths were so common it was like a pulp novel unfolding in front of me i was so naive when we were in high school my friend used a caddy at a local country club one guy really liked him and asked if he would be willing to drive him around while he went out partying this was like 2003 and in a pretty rural area my friend agreed he picked the guy up at like 8 p.m right off the bat the guy handed him 200 he went to her bar for a little bit my friend sat in the car the guy came out handed him another 200 and told him he had to visit his friend real quick he went and got a bunch of coke they went to another bar he handed my friend another hundred dollars and told him to look out the window and turn up the radio he then blew several lines he came out a couple hours later with a girl he was married with kids he handed my friend another 200 and they went back to her house after they freaked he came out and asked to be taken to the beach at this point it was like 2 3 a.m my friend said that the guy slowly walked around the beach went into the water up to his ankles in his shoes threw a bunch of rocks into the water and then sat in the sand for about 45 minutes he came back to the car and asked to be driven home when they got out of the car he hugged my friend and gave him 500 and asked him to never tell anyone what happened none of us really believed my friend when this happened until the guy he drove got arrested for assault and possession of sea like six months later i used to know a chauffeur he ended up driving around some big stars he was big dude like six feet eight inches and super muscular his best story was when he was driving around a few wwe wwf back then stars and they awkwardly asked him to not get out and open the door for them because he'd make them look smaller friend of mine worked for an upscale concierge chauffeur service his most memorable moment came when he lost marie osmond fairly simple gig go to airport and pick up marie osmond who was to be the featured entertainer at a private event plane comes in he meets her she has carry-on bag but her checked suitcase containing her stage dresses and makeup is missing she is unflappable though asks to be taken to the nearest upscale mall he does as instructed she goes into a large upscale department store selects two long sequined cocktail dresses and goes to the fitting room to try them on without him of course unfortunately there are two entrances and exits to the fitting room and marie osmond exits out through the other side and cannot find my chauffeur buddy who is waiting patiently on the side she'd entered 20 minutes passes he thinks something has gone wrong so he grabs a female manager and asks her to go into the fitting rooms and ask for marie osmond or the manager thinks she is being pranked and declines chauffeur buddy is in mini panic mode now running wildly around the store asking random customers have you seen marie osmond have you seen marie osmond store security is summoned and he is asked to leave the premises right now he calls his employer and tells them he has lost marie osmond the employer doesn't have her cell phone number but has her agent's number and he is not accepting calls she has in the meantime taken a cab to the gig thinking she has been forgotten lots of apologies eventually ensued and there were no repercussions buddy of mine ended up picking up a netflix producer while doing uber he said they had a great conversation as he brought him to his hotel the producer invited him up for a drink and since my friend was a film student he thought it would be a good idea to go and try to get some good networking in they hung out for about an hour when he asked my friend if he knew of any massage places with happy endings he didn't but the guy paid him 500 to bring him to the closest massage place which was only a few miles out upon dropping him off he gave my buddy a card and said there's a big party festival i'm hosting that's your ticket in i'll let you know then if i get that happy ending he got the happy ending not a conversation and not me but definitely weird shocking and disgusting a friend of mine who worked in music was in a limbo with robin thicke and a load of dancers and models driving round london they are all just chatting and whatnot and out of nowhere robin thicke just starts going down on one of the models there was an awkward split second silence and then everyone just carried on and ignored it holy crap i have a robin thick story too one of the administrative assistants at my work went to vegas and met robin thicke there he asked her at the bar if she wanted to come back to his room when she said sure he whipped out an nda to have her sign dude cheated on his wife so much that he had paperwork drawn up so the women couldn't tell on him my aunt was a driver for actors mainly when they'd have shoots here in oregon she drove woody harrelson around for a time and she said he smoked weed constantly and she was always worried she'd lose her job lol i used to drive limousine and taxi one time i got the manager of a fairly famous canadian band in my car asking me where to buy coke i had no idea where and i told him that so his bright idea was to find a prostitute hire her and ask her i told him i couldn't help him pick up prostitutes either he was disappointed but understood he had me drive down a well-known street until he saw a prostitute he asked me to pull over got out of the taxi pay the fare and then immediately flagged me down again as a new ride i knew what was up but whatever he gets back into the car with the prostitute and she tells him exactly what house to go to for some coke i take them there and wait a bit they come back out and i drive him back to the venue then he offers me two free tickets to the show which i gladly accepted as love that band and had seen them three times alas since i was still working during the show i gave them away to two friends who had never seen the band they had a good time and i had a fun story to share with them about how i scored those tickets not really a shocking conversation and hardly a famous person but it was interesting how easily and full of trust people can be about searching out and buying drugs in a strange city for the record this was 2003. my dad was a chauffeur when i was younger and he told me of one story driving the director of a company down the road with the blackpool illuminations in the company limousine the director was standing up out of the sunroof with his arms out waving at people as he drove past what the people on the street didn't know is that in the back of the limo there were two prostitutes blowing him out of all of the answers this is the one that made me go yep that sounds about right freaking blackpool i've have multiple people pay me handsomely to let them smoke weed in the car heard a french guy yelling at his wife at ten thousand dollars was too much to pay for two bracelets that she bought also overheard a lot business deals with absurd amount of money referenced like tens of millions i've had conversations at work where i've said just by the two other dang things it's only 25 k kind of crazy to from that to debating if i wanting to keep my hbo subscription that night drove limo at marquette university during undergrad and grad school some of the students that went there were obscenely wealthy limos are the vans that drive drunk students anywhere on campus and a few blocks outside of campus a couple things i remember randomly from it one drunk guy leaves his wallet on a van and another driver calls it and so me and another supervisor can take it to campus police we pick up the wallet from the driver and open it to get the student id so they know who to email there had to be a few grand in there and when we called the kid to tell him about it he told us we could just keep it because it was too far from his dorm to bother picking up okay two i picked up a couple girls from akaio and they spent the entire ride talking about how it was ridiculous that one of the girls parents planned on making her pay for her own apartment after graduation and there was nothing even livable under 2k dollars a month the school is in milwaukee wisconsin 3 mardi gras is the name of a campus ministry trip where you use your spring break to build houses and drink in somewhere that doesn't get snow in april one of the people on my van was getting a free night of drinks from his buddies because he paid for everyone's trips i think it was like 1 500 per person if i recall correctly four rich kids are rich but foreign rich kids are usually on a different level was talking to a guy from spain who said his dad did something with movies over there idk he had an actual rolex on and ended the conversation with so anyways do you know where to find an em at five it is a free service and a frat star tried to pay me for the ride with a ziploc baggie of c i said no and he called me a legend and left the twenty dollar in the cuff holder before i realized it this is not a limo story but this thread reminded me of a rich guy story my daughter played soccer for many years and at one practice a guy drove up in a ferrari got out and started talking to another of the dads on the team after a few minutes the guy left and another of the dads went over there and asked him who that guy was he replied that the guy was his lawyer or something i come to find out years later that that guy in the ferrari was a multi-millionaire had one and only one client that dad and his only job was to handle the dad's charitable donations so this dude got filthy rich donating millions of dollars of somebody else's money and taking a percentage off the top the dad who was apparently worth several hundred million dollars never came across as rich at all he wore sweats to and was at every practice and game he drove a camry had been married to his average looking wife for like 25 years stuff like that acted like a normal guy like the rest of us my sister was in a limo once and asked the driver about his most interesting ride the driver said that he picked up some models who were going to her pet a demonstration i'd rather be bare than infer or whatever it was he got to the location they stripped naked in the back of limo and he waited until they were done with the photo op i remember that the girl from walking dead was in that shoot not a chauffeur it seemed like a good chance to remind people of the story of john boehner at the time speaker of the us house of representatives third in line for the u.s presidency not knowing how to use uber as the story goes one of his aides downloaded the app onto his phone and showed him how to use it unknown to him he'd been stuck on the carpooling option uberpool that's what he used for years there are all sorts of tales of commuters hopping into their carpool and bam there's john boehner stuck in a middle seat asking to get dropped off at the capitol building however you feel about his politics i think that's pretty funny one of my best friends used to drive uber in a wealthy area of l.a he told me so many stories about drunk celebs and tick-tockers in his car someone offered him a bag of weed because they felt sorry for their friend throwing up in the back seat most people were just normal though some highlights quentin tarantino and trisha paytas were making out in his backseat when they were secretly dating lol mike tyson is apparently very nice in person and also a giant pothead somebody on gossip girl and her friend were arguing about chicken nuggets and tried to get him to go through a wendy's drive-through during the lunch rush when there were 10 cars already in line addison ray or one of her friends took their shoes off and left them in the car leo dicaprio took more than five minutes to find the car he seemed out of it and was quietly bobbing his head listening to music on his headphones wasnt exactly a chauffeur but i did have the distinguished privilege of working with a multi-millionaire one time for a couple days and i was just astounded at how out of touch he was with people one conversation and he was talking about how he hated all the new homes they were building and he liked to old castles so he was having a castle in scotland disassembled and reassembled here in the us piece by piece on another occasion he asked me why i wasn't in college yet the job was after high school and i was working as a plumber and gave me an alright when i told him i couldn't afford to go yet and had to save up having a scottish castle moved to the u.s and reassembled here is literally the plot of gargoyles a 90s cartoon on the wb i'm kinda excited to see where this goes not a chauffeur and i was a participant in this conversation i used to tutor an oligarch's daughter in rebelevca the wealthy suburb outside moscow and one day she mentioned that she likes to ski i asked her which kind of skiing she preferred downhill is more popular where i'm from the cross country is quite popular in russia it's even part of some schools curricula her answer my favorite kind of skiing is the type where you jump out of a helicopter silly me i forgot about that kind i was definitely expecting something much different not a chauffeur but worked as a caterer for private jets and the insane folks who owned them had a huge order from what i knew to be a smaller jet so i really wondered about it when one of the owners handlers was training a new flight crew he ordered 12 k of meals for a flight that didn't exist just so the new flight attendants could practice the fine points of checking in a catering order i listened outside after the food drop as the handler started explaining what to do to six of the most beautiful humans i have ever seen we provided food for a lesson the food was wasted i found it in the dumpster outside one of the hangars the next day about 25 years ago i had a summer job at a very tony country club six-figure joining fee five-figure continuing membership dues and that got you nothing but the privilege of paying top dollar for rounds food etc i was a porter some of the time as we had cottages on club grounds for members to stay and make a weekend of it one of my duties was driving members to and from airports usually private airports for private jets one time i'm driving two guys to the airport and one of them starts complaining seems he and his wife are always fighting over who gets the jet every weekend and where they want to go well the other one replied my third jet is actually just gathering dust right now since my son went to college wanna take it off my hands they shook on it right there in the van not a chauffeur a small part of my family was chicago mafia grandpa told me a story of a family wedding in chicago they went to in the late 60s they were picked up at the airport by a limo with some high-ranking family members on the way to the hotel they were stopped about eight times by various police officers the officer would walk up to the driver's window the chauffeur would reach into a money bag and pass a bill to the officer nothing would be said and they'd take off again eventually my grandpa asked if they were being bribed his cousin mafia laughed and said no it's thursday that's when we pay our boys so i guess that's how they did it looks like a traffic stop and in the open where it's not unexpected so i'd imagine that joffer had seen some things i'll answer for my grandparents they owned a limousine business i believe in the early 2000s and my grandmother drove mel gibson around she said he was nice and that he had requested to sit in the front passenger seat due to car sickness imagine hiring a limo and sitting in the front in australia we tend to sit in the front in taxes so it could have been a bit of that too not a driver but i used to caddy at a fairly exclusive country club in massachusetts it's the kind of place where no matter how rich you are you can't buy a membership you're either born into it or you marry a member as a result a lot of the members like to show off their influence by inviting guests who would otherwise be unable to play at the club someone invited mitt romney we were given a heads up that the governor he wasn't a senator yet would be coming and they wanted us to know how to act around him we were told he wanted to be treated like anyone else but they didn't want us to gawk so i guess to make sure as dumb caddies weren't gawking we were instructed to not look at or acknowledge the governor because this is precisely how we would treat other people i did get to shake his hand and chat a little bit he was friendly personable way nicer than a lot of the members i still don't like a lot of his politics but he seemed nice enough in person i used to work in politics and never heard a bad thing about house and romney acts in his personal life seems genuinely courteous and respectful to people i have deep ideological differences with him but you can tell an elected's real character in how they treat underlings i sometimes uber drove in dc and they would order a ride but instead of getting in the vehicles they would just put a bunch of paperwork in your car and then you would deliver it to the next government building always felt kind of sketchy that government employees would send documents via uber drivers lol i was driving as uber and i picked up two businessmen in an industrial park they were building developers the man who was clearly the boss spoke to me as if i were a man and i was always the driver who picked him up although they were clearly from the middle east they chose to speak english maybe they thought it was rude not to being in the u.s but if that would have been rude i'm not sure what the rest of the conversation was they spoke about the future of business as if it were all so futile and how everyone will be either very wealthy like them or very poor and how their children really won't be able to get jobs either but also won't need to i logged more than 4 000 rides between 2015 and 2017 and that was one of the weirdest the other weirdest guy i picked up from a dispensary he was really good looking very well dressed and clearly well to do but he was in some kind of mental distress he wanted to visit more dispensaries but had clearly already bought the maximum i got his hotel information through conversation and went there instead on the way he told me in all seriousness all about how his father was god which meant he was jesus didn't you notice how much brighter the sun became when i got in your car he was serious he also followed guns and roses like they were the grateful dead he thought axel rose was the smartest man alive he didn't really notice when we got to his hotel instead of the dispensary i did ask him if he had taken any other drugs a day and he insisted he hadn't that was also one of the weirdest it sounds like a guy having a severe manic episode i am late to the party but i can absolutely contribute to this thread used to work for a private transportation company started my own show for business last year a couple things right off the top of my head that come to mind one had a really snobby family from another mountain estate come to our state and the entire ride to their destination was spent talking about how much better their state was towards the end of the ride the mother started cutting her toenails in the company vehicle no idea how to react to that situation basically just had to let it ride too probably one of the wealthiest people i've ever met in my life was a gentleman who was a very high ranking member of scientology was also one of bill gates close business partners never in my life have i been treated like i did not exist until that right barely even got his name before he asked not to speak for the almost two hour ride three just previously i drove an nfl all-star and he was one of the coolest people i've ever met which was super refreshing all i ever heard of celebrities particularly athletes was that they could be very rude guy was just a regular but homie who gets paid 15 mil a year scientology guy sounds sus af people who work at a drive through a window what are some things that you've overheard on the headset that customers don't know you heard there were two homeless people fighting in the parking lot some guy rolled up to the speaker with two kids in the back and i hear him say do you guys want to watch them fight okay i'll go through and get the food you guys stay here i was watching on the security camera as this man lets out two kids around six and eight years old so they could stand by the dumpster and watch two drunk guys beat the crap out of each other with bricks holy crap that's so freaked up but i can't stop laughing it sounds like something that would happen in an episode of it's always sunny in philadelphia lol we had ran out of salads and i was taking a drive through order the dude said one second please and called his mom they get into a three minutes argument where i recall him saying i'm not gonna drive all around the city for a freaking salad mom tell mom you got salad at home ultimate revenge worked at a mcdonald's most memorable one was a woman who got a call after she placed an order and burst out crying person in her passenger side asks what's wrong she responds windows still down my dad just died taking her payment was extremely uncomfortable i found out my mom was dead in a taco bell drive-thru not sure what this adds except that i relate to that person's need to say something in that moment instead i just went back to work for the night and finished my shift kind of a backwards example but one time i was having a tough day and my roommate and i went to grab food from this local diners drive through she wanted to get food from somewhere else so i just got a burger and fries after a bunch of driving around she finally decided she wanted food from there so we went back and i got to shake and she got fries and then after we'd already ordered i said to her how i honestly wanted more fries but one i shouldn't spend any more money and two we'd already finished the order and three the drive-through guy was gonna hardcore judge me especially since we'd already been through the drive-through in the last 30 minutes when we pulled up to the window the guy gave us our food and then gave me some fries said no judgment it's on the house and winked at me it was super nice but also i died of embarrassment and that was the day i learned they can hear you even when you don't think they can shout out to that dude a girl was in the middle of ordering when her boyfriend called her he was breaking up with her as well as confessing he had been cheating on her her car put the call through the speakers i couldn't comp her order but i did tell the person at the other window to give her a free ice cream of her choosing i'm surprised she didn't just pull out offline at that point you have to comfort eat when i was working a drive-through window i was more worried that the customer would overhear what i was saying about them one time i called a guy an idiot under my breath wasn't holding down the talk button and he pulled up to the window to pay and it was my pastor here's your change father [ __ ] a couple had a full-on boxing match at the speaker i just said let me know when you're ready to order as i heard the punches land on each other's faces while they yelled at each other then the lady yelled i wish you were dead and the guy laughed manically then they ordered like they didn't just go rocky versus draco ps thanks for the award love you them i had to take their money out the window and they were still calling each other names under their breath while smiling at me and acting totally fine i was working drive and i had a customer pull up to the speaker and then order then afterwards she didn't pull up to the window and i can still hear what she says even though i'm not taking her order she then started having a loud phone conversation and started talking about how was cheating on her boyfriend i gave her a little time and then said you can pull up ma'am lol how did she react to it a girl's orgasm late teens early twenties girl and her boyfriend were coming through mcdonald's drive-through apparently she was enjoying a bit of manual magic from her boyfriend under the blanket while waiting to order on a busy night she was very flushed when they got to the window no shame at all oh this might actually be a specific kink fetish i used to be a drive-through bank teller and this woman dropped 100 bill from her withdrawal envelope inside her car she accused me of stealing and while i rechecked my drawer she called me a racial slur that came to her country to steal from americans bc she tough the microphone was off my manager overheard the while interaction well by time the woman came into the bank screaming her younger son came running after her bc he found the bill underneath the driver's seat my manager closed her bank account and told her to not come back i'm glad your manager stood up for you suru men are parents yelling at their kids to make up their minds also once had a guy ask for jayla penos on his sandwich i started laughing and he got super mad and demanded to talk to my manager i feel like i should clarify jlupino man was an old redneck in the middle of missouri so it was funny not only because of the pronunciation but because of the southern midwest accent i also didn't mean to laugh at him both me and my co-worker forgot our headsets were on my co-worker said it the same way he did and i laughed and when he pulled up to the window that is when he asked to see our manager not a worker was just standing in line behind this guy at a subway he asked for that asian sandwich the girl at the counter figured out he was asking for chicken teriyaki we have a camera at ours and it's right there so it's hard not to see but still i get to see parents smack their children couples arguing the nasty nasty faces you make at me the arm gestures of how freaking stupid are you when i ask if they want cream and sugar in their coffee bc i'm supposed to know you want 13 and 9 in a medium the worst is dumping garbage right in front of the camera ugg i feel like i don't hear a lot of crazy stuff but see a lot i see people's cars filled to the top with garbage this old lady came through with blood all over her sleeve crazy stuff lol mine is actually reverse i was the employee that accidentally said something through the headset that the customer heard it was a steak and shake about 10 years ago the headsets had a button to push for talking through just the headsets and a bit info talking to the customer you can see how the mistake happened we were joking with one of my co-workers about her having to sleep here instead of ever going home and i said hope you brought your pillow cause you're not going wee year then i heard the customer laugh and died inside guy came to the wendy's i worked it and got in an argument with his wife about if we served tater tots or not after a few minutes i butted in and told him we didn't serve tater tots he told me they were on our screen and he was gonna get them tots he was looking at the chicken nuggets was taking an order for a college-aged couple they ordered a couple happy meals after i told them their total i heard the girl yell excitedly we're getting toys and they pull up and she has the biggest genuine excited grin on her face honestly made my day it was super cute not going to lie that sounds cute off sometimes after we're closed we keep our headsets on so we can talk to each other while closing up when someone pulls up to the drive-through screen we have a pre-recorded message saying that we are closed there have been many occasions of people driving up hearing the message and yelling well frick you or something along those lines to the speaker box happened reversely i was waiting at a wendy's drive-through it was kinda late 10 30 or 11 and the girl at the drive-through's headset was being weird and i heard freaking piece of crap slapping sound apparently the battery was almost out and she was trying to switch them i had to try super hard not to laugh most costumers don't realize that everyone at work can hear the conversations in the drive-through we sell angus burgers at new work a costumer once ordered an anus burger in the drive-through and the entire staff was in tears laughing at the poor guy when i worked at mcdix a lady pulled up and started saying how she hates coming here because the drive though person is always an idiot and never gets her order right and how mcdonald's only hires idiots i greeted her with hello ma'am sorry for your past experiences but not all of us are idiots and in fact we all can hear you on the headsets as soon as you pull up she drove off not that i would ever do what she did but after directly insulting the people making your food not eating at the establishment afterwards was probably her smartest decision one time we had a person sit in the lane for seven minutes having an argument with the other person in the car over their divorce on top of that there's conversations about deadbeat baby daddies and whatnot stuff can get weird most if not all of starbucks drive thru us have a camera so we can see you we can see when you flip us off we can see when you're doing something you shouldn't be we can see the faces and hateful glares you make and more importantly we can see when you and your so are for some reason trying to get it on in the dt lane like you all can't wait and pull into the parking lot for that we can see when you and your so are for some reason trying to get it on in the dt lane to be fair the starbucks drive-through is like a good 15-minute adventure got to kill time some way i don't work at a drive-through but witness some horrible behavior from my sister at mcdonald's once she ordered nuggets and extra barbecue sauce food comes out and she opened the bag before driving away no sauce she sassed the lady at the drive-thru i asked for source i think mainly because of her tone the woman didn't acknowledge her so my sister shouted at her again and again but added an expletive or two finally the woman opened the window and tossed half a dozen sauces at my sister and my sister picked one up and chucked it at the woman's head and then drove off god i hated driving around with my sister it would do your sister well to remind her she's being a bee in those situations i was working at mcdonald's and we had just upgraded our headsets for the drive-through we no longer had to hold the button down while talking now we could push the mic on button take the order then push the mic off button there was an adjustment period for those of us who like to talk crap i was one of those people the worst one i can remember was when a lady wouldn't stop changing the order and asking questions that the menu in front of her face could easily answer she said oh wait on that third mcchicken can i get and i said b you have got to be freaking kidding me i had no idea how to recover so i just took my headset off and went on break nobody even said anything when i came back i'm sorry but this is freaking hilarious even better because i read it as you've got to be mick [ __ ] kidding me once had the opposite happen my friend and i worked at fast food place and friend randomly asked whatever happened to chelsea last name no ill intent we just hadn't hung out with her in forever then from the drive-through window we hear a man raw what about chelsea last name yep her dad was at the window wendy's driver through in the 90s so many people drinking beer behind the wheel on friday nights there was another time this didn't actually involve a customer but we had just gotten the headsets only the person working the window and the person working the grill had them i was on grill and the manager was talking to me about something when i hear in my right ear tell manager to kiss your butt sixteen-year-old me struggle to keep a straight face worked at mcds for three years funniest i'd heard was a guy asking the passenger what he could get for a big mac there's s legit h in my town who does discount apparently for fast food worst had to listen to a women list of stds her doctor told her she had and what treatments to get literally begged the grill team to hurry and move the line a woman was talking to her passengers children perhaps and we heard sounds of children when she pulled up got her shakes and left the drive-through person said there was no children in the car if that's not the most freak up thing i heard she was probably talking on bluetooth and reached to the back to put the extra shakes in backseat cupholders when i was in high school i worked at a fast food place at night it was about two minutes before closing and two guys came through the drive through super drunk we were out of something they wanted so the guy tells his friend that i'm a sea and that he's going to go in and violate me until he gets his food my friend was also working that night she didn't tell me until later but she had picked all the veggies for his burger out of the bottom of the garbage bin where we had just thrown a bunch of expired meat plus hours worth of other gross stuff i don't really believe in messing with people's food but frick that guy i still thank my friend to this day the nasty patty i had some drunk girl last night talk to her male friend about drama for five minutes and when he pulls up she baths in the drive-through and i had to clean it up i once ordered 75 nuggets person at the window said the machine wasn't letting her do 75 60 or 80 quick argument with friend in passenger seat decide on 80 sat there talking about all the nuggets when we get to the window it's a friend of mine who started that day she asked you guys hi not yet i worked at mcds for a very long time from middle school through college and the funniest thing i've heard to this day is a man ordering cheeseburgers for his kids he had a very thick accent and said she submerges and 14 year old me could not handle it i once overheard a customer talking to her friend therapist about how alone and suicidal she felt our line was backed up and she was still stuck over the sensor and had called them while waiting there were about six of us on the floor we all felt abysmal and wanted to compare order or upgrade but didn't know how to explain that yeah we just heard you spill your guts out unwittingly to absolute strangers my girl on windows settled for being extra nice and taking her time saying hello etc comma she's not a regular wasn't working at a drive-through and didn't overhear anything but my job sat right behind a jimmy john's and i like to watch the cars pulling through while i smoked a cigarette one day i watched a lady in broad daylight mind you pull up to a small tree that sat not far from the drive-through intercom of this place and start ordering man that was a good day como i liked to watch the cars pulling through while smoking a cigarette pretty sure her cigarette was better than yours several times we'd hear someone speaking in a different language for a few moments which is annoying as a drive-through worker in any language the timer starts the second the car pulls up to the speaker no matter how long the customer takes to order and then finally after a minute or two we hear a child's voice finally start ordering in english a lot of parents hadn't learned english well enough to feel confident ordering food so they'd have their kids do it this could be difficult depending on the age of the child but i always admired it i used to work at starbucks and some mom was yelling at her kid who i thought must have been a teenager because of her voice and all of the cussing she pulls up and her kid is like six years old calling her mama b c crap head act i heard it all my customer service voice sounds very happy but is very much fake and has led to a lot of interesting customer experiences one time i did my whole introductory crap that you have to do in the starbucks drive through and the lady mumble about me being way too loud and happy so i just asked her what she said even louder and happier she didn't repeat her remark and just ordered that time i also had multiple incidents where people are like wow some bodies had a lot of coffee and one incident when somebody said that i responded with oh no man this is just my customer service voice which is very much fake starbucks drive-through is one heck of an interesting place finally someone else who can't help the customer service voice i had a lady get real angry thinking she was talking to a computer i type deal and actually asked if i was a computer they've probably heard my wife and i repeating the part from lethal weapon where joe pesci talks about getting fricked at the drive-through that's right better check the bag or we'll be miles away my husband and i purposely have ridiculous conversations for the people to overhear i love seeing people's smiling faces anything from our unicorn vs pegasus debate to how they pick the test team for flavored lube and ribbed condoms i absolutely love this and the humor and creativity behind it more people need to be like this well done the amount of times i've seen [ __ ] on the drive-through screen blows my mind first it seems sort of weird that you're like i could use a mcchicken also suck my dong second it's the 21st century if you don't think business have cameras everywhere for lawsuit reasons you are sadly mistaken a guy kept changing his freaking order and i finally hammered out something that i thought would appease him i read it back to him we agreed that this would do he couldn't move out of range though because a drive through was a little backed up with a karen who couldn't understand that due to company policy i wasn't going to take her order at the window just because she had to wait to place it at the speaker that's not how the real world works not when i have a line behind you that was perfectly able to place their orders at the window anyway right before i disconnected with him i'd been busy making drinks to carry out to the car behind karen i overheard him cursing me out on the phone to whoever like how i was a stupid death [ __ ] of a bee can you believe they discontinued real fruit slushies here it's all that retard's fault obviously and she got my order all wrong yada yada bulls i finally decided to act like i'd half heard and asked i'm sorry sir what was that would you like to add to your order there was a strangled sort of noise someone in the car who i had not previously heard in the car started laughing and then it all got muffled because he rolled up his window i hung up and proceeded on karen soon peeled out of the parking lot like she was late for her 4pm chess game with satan as soon as i was able to move some cars the last car to place an order excused him from the line and peeled out as well it was real fruit butthole i know because i checked with the cars around him it's like yeah we can still hear you up to a certain point jackass i hope he learned something but probably not i worked at tim hortons when i was young a person pulled up gave their order and then rang a bell it was a bicycle bell dude was pushing a grocery cart that had a bell attached to it i had to deny him food because my manager told me to he walked inside and made a big scene about it then left with his ten pack of timbits it was a weird experience used to work at rmc donald's over here's a woman verbally abusing the passenger who was a male it was definitely odd to overhear and made even less sense to my 16 year old brain because socially women are never seen as aggressors and it was just a shock comma because socially women are never seen as aggressors i almost forgot that i used to think that too as an adult i discovered that woman can be just as mean if not meaner than men one of our female employees would moan using the internal communication function while we were trying to take orders to mess with us it made doing our job very difficult i ran a fast food place during the graveyard shift for almost 10 years but don't operate a drive-through anymore one a phone call where the women was upset that she received crabs from the person she was talking to we interrupted her and she just left out of shame two verbal abuse usually aimed at children or a spouse there is a line between a parent being frustrated at a kid in the crap i have heard i remember a poor kid who was so upset over the driver screaming at them to pick something to eat that the only thing the kid could manage to do is cry the kitchen was used to yelling but the tone and volume of the driver made everyone stop and listen in shock and anger the driver was still screaming at the kid as they sped off without ordering three two women planning to attack me when i came out with their remakes the buns were originally too toasted and apparently that warrants assault four large truck engine sounds speakers are usually tall enough to catch only the engine sounds of a large truck trying to order nothing else can be heard except for the occasional snippet of human speech almost completely drowned out by a constant incredibly painful piercing white noise blaring directly into the air the sigh of annoyance from the driver is usually crystal clear as soon as they turn off the vehicle though at least with the company that i worked for as soon as a drive-through person talks to a customer via speaker any following conversation can be heard via kitchen speakers for all staff to hear and depending on how loud some of the customers dining inside can hear too even if the employee puts the customer on hold everything can be heard customer here i'm usually just cussing out the driver in front of me for not pulling up closer to the car in front of them that's right karen you definitely need three car lengths between you and the next car that's okay because i have a l lll freaking day and so does everyone else who is behind me and would like to order who knew i was going to eat at the same mcdonald's as the freaking queen of the universe i am so honored please put your goddamn phones down and roll on through other people are hungry and would also like to get some food this has been a public service announcement from a redditor who would like everyone to tighten their crap up worked at a 24-hour panda express i got the pleasure of taking the order of a group of women coming back from a late night bridal party all i could hear besides the quiet dd ordering was the girl in the passenger side throwing up into a plastic bag it was fun serious redditors who speak a second language what funny things have you overheard from people my parents speak malayalam a dravidian language that nobody speaks outside of the state it's from or gatherings specifically for it i was on a vacation in prague and out of the blue i hear oh my god there is so much crap in my butt how did i miss this is there a bathroom nearby i turn around and look at a guy he looks at me it gets awkward i point around the corner he lowers his head and goes my dad is a husky fellow one day while at an all-you-can-eat restaurant the couple in the booth behind him said in our native language they meaning the restaurant are definitely not going to make any money on this guy dad turns around and says they'll be fine in italy buzzed an apartment from the gate out front person saw me through the camera but since i am tall the camera is level with my chest i heard shay british cravata or what an ugly tie it was my favorite tie i'm sure it is a nice tie i speak passable german the company i worked for had just acquired a firm in germany i was invited into the department heads conference call as we went through the american departments it was clear that it was a [ __ ] chow inefficiencies bitching each other out on the call the works after an hour of this the it was the germans turn clearly unaware that they were no longer on mute in beautifully graphed german they blurted out what i translated to stupid americans just do your dang jobs you lazy shoots followed swiftly by now in english no issues in germany everything is proceeding as per the schedule i know enough french to know that two little girls in van with quebec plates called me a pig for burping at a gas station they were a mixture of shocked and amused when i made a pig nose gesture back at them i also work with enough spanish speaking people to know what the bad words are little old puerto rican ladies can be super vulgar in the grocery store i once got called over by my boss because there were some mexican guys outside yelling waving their arms and pointing at each other he was scared they were going to start a brawl or something and asked me to go ask them to leave turns out there were just some friends arguing over whose wife made the best pozole for some reason whenever i go to ikea there are indian couples who like to discuss whether or not i am indian yes i am and i'm south indian so i do understand tamil although i can't produce it i know a different s indian language even if i didn't i can see that you are looking at me repeatedly and talking i'm a six feet one white girl that's fluent in mandarin and was living in china sue many comments were made about how tall i am and i always replied you're correct i am tall in mandarin the reactions were hilarious my mom went to shanghai recently and is a six foot three white woman she said everyone wanted her to take pictures with their kids because they'd never seen a woman so tall so now her phone is full of photos of her towering over chinese children i'm indian american it's in india everybody knows i'm american for one thing i'm much much taller etc i was on a train as a teenager when i had braces on my teeth this grandmother with her grandson was sitting across from me she said to her grandson look at these americans they don't brush their teeth and they have to have them screwed in i think she was just trying to scare him into better oral hygiene but it was hilarious i started commenting on the weather and the view and she looked shocked and then disgusted with me ain't my fault that you assumed the brown american wouldn't understand you i was in a cab once and the driver was on his mobile speaking to a friend in french he started talking about me and my appearance yeah cute red hair boobs aren't so big i first felt kind of annoyed and insulted but then decided to mess with him a little i continued giving him directions in english for the whole 20-minute cab ride when we got near my block i said in perfect french ah here is perfect you can pull over thanks and say hi to your friend for me here in the philippines people are usually trilingual you have your provincial language then the national language filipino and english i was inside a packed bus once going home from school when two local ladies were audibly talking about this middle-aged caucasian guy who was seated behind them it is always assumed that white guys have bigger junks compared to asian men so these ladies went on giggling while talking about the guy's supposedly huge dong in the local language at the next stop the white guy stood up and casually told the girls in perfect filipino excuse me the man with a huge dong is passing by i speak lebantine arabic one time i was sitting on the tube in london with my headphones and music playing i was zoned out but suddenly noticed that people were looking apprehensive and edging away from my end of the carriage i looked around and saw two arab men shouting and gesticulating at each other intrigued i pulled out a headphone do you know nancy adrian they were passionately arguing over whether or not her boobs are fake the whole situation was equally saddening and hilarious i used to run an asian market in central mississippi i was a blond-haired blue-eyed white guy in a mostly korean store being so close to the nissan plant in canton many of my regulars were japanese guys i spoke proficient japanese at the time a group of guys came in that i'd never seen before as with all new customers i never assumed their ethnicity and greeted them in english they start making their rounds looking up and down the aisles i can hear they're speaking japanese and looking for pickled radish typically with new customers i'll give them some time to explore then check on them and ask if they need help finding anything specific as i'm walking around from behind the counter i hear one guy suggest asking me where the radish would be just before rounding the corner another says the equivalent of nap that freaking foreigner doesn't know about any of this stuff pocky and ramune lolla while using a pejorative term for foreigner major faux pas i looked the guy square in the eye and told him in very informal japanese here you are the foreigner the radish is in the first cooler second shelf under the miso then in more formal do you require any additional assistance all his buddies gave the typical japanese woe while the ashat bowed deeply apologizing over and over he went and waited in the van from then on any time that group came into the store and my car was parked out front he stayed in the van in italy me and my other british friends more than once overheard people standing very close to this criticize our clothing for example what the heck is wearing why is she wearing a fancy dress costume clearly thinking we wouldn't understand but the worst incident was actually our own doing one of the most embarrassing moments of my life we were on a coach in italy sitting in a group but one of us was sat next to an older gentleman from past experience we felt pretty sure that an italian man that age would speak no english and even if he spoke a little bit he certainly wouldn't understand fast-paced colloquial english with strong regional accents so we went ahead and had a really long detailed graphic conversation about the gory details of vaginal and anal intercourse the mechanics doesn't your dong get pawn it does cm functioners lube this one time i etc etc after about an hour my friend turned to the elderly man to ask in italian if he knew the name of the town we were in he replied in english uh i don't speak italian i'm american frick we literally just all pretended to go to sleep until he got off i'm passable in formal arabic but understand the egyptian dialect a little bit better and a couple of guys at my college were talking about my butt while we were all buying food and they were behind me one of them wondered what color underwear was wearing so i answered them in arabic it was really funny to watch these two guys freeze and walk into a different line to pay because i'm so white and very irish looking and they were clearly not expecting it overseen british sign language middle-aged couple in the middle of town her carrying an ann summers high street adult shop bag carrying on an animated and very detailed conversation about her dressing up for him tonight as a reward for and that was the point at which i looked away i guess they'd assumed there wouldn't be any other signers around i speak native american ojibwe mohan literally i hear like 10 dirty jokes from the elders on the res whenever i'm around them old natives are like an endless pit of dirty jokes one of the old dudes i chill with sometimes like to make beginning speakers repeat sayings like dirty butts and stuff and then likes to laugh his butt off at them because they don't know what it means it makes my heart happy the chinese sushi chefs at my school seem to spend their time commentating on the appearance of every non-asian patron i've been roasted a couple times but i find it hilarious and try to keep a straight face since i don't want them to stop i'm an english speaker who knows decent spanish walking through a bus terminal in the u.s and heard two women loudly making fun of everyone there in spanish was laughing too hard to say anything to them a deaf couple made a fat joke about me in sign language i used a little bit of sign language i knew to flip them the bird my friend and i were in mexico in a shop since we were speaking english in the store i guess they thought we didn't understand them they were commenting on my friend's eyebrows since they're pretty thick but nice they were asking each other if her eyebrows were natural or if she drew them in that way one lady commented that they had to be drawn in look at them to which my friends responded in spanish that they were actually natural the ladies faces were pretty surprised and they were pretty quiet for the rest of our time there i speak some arabic english being my primary language i was delivering an 80 order of pizza to a mosque where i was greeted by a rude boy he's casually cursing me out for being literally two minutes late all the while i'm just pretending to not notice when i handed him the receipt for signature tip he just signs it and then says in arabic stupid sucker expecting a tip it was at that point i'll look him dead in the eye and say in pristine arabic watch your filthy tongue we're in a mosque allah have mercy on you he still didn't tip but was visibly upset so i got a good time out of it okay so i speak english and maltese now maltese is a semitic language and we share a lot of our vocabulary with arabic and italian in a few months my friend and i were casually in a highly popular tourist area and we overhear three arab guys have a conversation we only caught the end of it though where one said hababy kabuliel badged now i'm not sure what this means in arabic it's in maltese it would translate to friend grow my balls my friend and i just looked at each other and bursted out laughing i heard some swedes on a bus in canada debating whether or not i might be swedish after eyeing me suspiciously i am not swedish but i sure do understand it i speak three languages one of the languages is german probably the most entertaining thing i've heard are from german tourists who are in awe of chicago architecture it's amazing what they notice in contrast with what some other tourists from other countries notice big white guy fluent in spanish was walking to the grocery store with my wife and the two little mexican guys behind us were commenting on how nice my wife's butt is i turned around and said what about my butt in spanish they immediately apologized and looked worried but i just laughed and then so did they i'm white as can be pale laugh blonde hair blue eyes the whole nine yards and i speak decent chinese no one ever expects that and certainly not my university's thousands of chinese exchange students i was in the student union late so pretty empty studying when i hear two chinese guys looking my way and saying go talk to her no you do it she's white she probably doesn't date chinese guys do you think she's stuck up etc i make eye contact with one of them and say in chinese give me your number they flipped crap chinese people love it when anyone speaks their language though they did seem a little embarrassed as well worked out for the best i'm going on my third date with one of them this friday my grandparents both worked at a hospital when they met each other they were both sitting in the cafe eating lunch with their friends when my grandfather started speaking in french to his friend not knowing my grandmother was fluent he talked about how pretty she was and how much he wanted to ask her out on a date after a couple of days of pretending she didn't understand french she went up to him and asked him in french if he wanted to see a movie with her my grandpa told me he just smiled and instantly fell in love with her i was in colombia a few months ago in a small food shop with only two tables and noticed that there were two girls in there talking about whether they liked mcdonald's or burger king better i'm pretty fluent in spanish but not completely so i try to listen to conversations to practice i thought it was amusing so i turned to my wife and told her in english what i thought they were talking about sure enough one of the girls turned around smiled and said yes that's what we are talking about fortunately i recovered pretty quickly and responded by asking them what their answer was and we struck up a short conversation with them before they left i was a little embarrassed even though i didn't really say anything embarrassing the thing is as soon as i turned to my wife to tell her what i thought they were talking about i thought to myself watch they are going to understand english and know that you're talking about them my grandmother and aunt flew to vancouver to visit my family from taiwan the custom official was asking them the standard questions when my grandmother tell my aunt in taiwanese not chinese hurry up and say whatever all he wants is our money the white custom official turned to my grandmother and spoke in perfect taiwanese grandma we don't want your money but we need to make sure you answer honestly she told me she almost peed her pants sitting in a cafe in wales speaking welsh to my husband a woman on another table who from her accent was southern english says loudly bloody foreigners should speak our language in our country i slowly turned around and informed her she was correct and perhaps she would like some welsh lessons while she was in wales so she could make more of an effort to speak our language no reply i wouldn't say that i speak japanese as a second language but i know enough to have overheard a couple tourists call me cute once i blushed and said thank you in japanese that embarrass them much worse me and a friend who are both american but speak german and both in our early 20s were on an s-bahn train that was pretty full aka a munich commuter train anyway me and my friend are just speaking in english because at the mother tongue when my friend just switches to german i just keep on going in english because it doesn't make a difference to me well right behind me was a group of about 10 high school age girls who had been talking about us pretty openly for at least five minutes he said that when he switched to german their eyes got real big and they all just shut up the rest of the ride knowing that at least my friend had heard everything that they had said i was a south african working in london in 2000 i had just finished a 10 hour shift in a filthy factory and was on the underground going home i had headphones on but something told me the women sitting across from me were talking about me so i turned the volume down they were talking about how disgraceful it was that a young woman was wearing heavy boots doc martens ftw and was so dirty at this time of the day at my stop i took my headphones off and told them i was sorry not to live up to their standards but that i had just finished a 10 hour shift i still wonder what they said afterwards in high school us i was on newspaper stuff with a guy named royce who was second generation german american his grandfather had emigrated shortly after world war ii and was in no way ashamed of being german or having been part of the vermont in grandpa's house you spoke german and you spoke it right or you didn't speak at all so royce grew up speaking english and german perfectly and interchangeably also on staff was a particularly attractive friend of mine named lenore anyway we spent a weekend at a nearby college doing newspapery stuff and at one point the three of us were walking across the campus to meet up with the rest of staff meanwhile two college students are walking behind us laughing and cutting up in german i was unaware that royce spoke german and even though i was deep in a wearaboo phase i only knew a few words so i mostly ignored them turns out they were describing in great detail all the things they wanted to do to lenore up to and including kidnapping her and keeping her in a closet somewhere at that point royce fricking lost his crap in german he turned around and delivered an absolutely blistering dressing down in the most formal perfect german imaginable it was like mike tyson beating someone with them louds it was like that video where hitler smelled a fart it was like mercedes-benz and bmw tag teaming audi with colour commentary by volkswagen it was epic i never knew what he said i only know that these two other students basically grown men turned tail and fled in the face of a high schooler half their size my friends and i were in germany staying in host family's houses we all agreed to meet up at the town square we'd been waiting for this one guy for close to 20 minutes now when he shows up followed by the most german looking woman i've ever seen she was one german dress away from being the poster girl from oktoberfest that's when the clown in our group decided to mess with him and asked in portuguese did you bang her yet she replied with i think you should be more respectful influent portuguese everything was so quiet that you could hear a fly fart from a mile away turns out the girl was also brazilian but she had german ancestry and had been living in germany for a couple of years now she could speak fluent portuguese it was seven years ago and we still laugh about it was at a hospital heard family discussing about how hurt someone should act no idea why bartenders have read it what is the strangest conversation you've ever overheard because people assume sound doesn't travel over the bar a customer is on the phone in the middle of the bar not too crowded but a long bar guy couldn't have been more than 25 i go to help someone at the end of the bar and on my way back i over here no i don't care she's my sister she is 13 and there is no reason she should be doing cocaine at all to gave him a few drinks on the house that night crap dude that poor guy a woman was planning her dog's birthday party and was debating which dogs to invite since some of the dogs didn't get along with her dog you can pick your dog and you can pick your friends but you can't pick your dog's friends these siblings aged 50 60s arguing over there not even dead and in fact present at the table mothers will and who gets what it ended in a heated argument and the sun speeding off that's horrible had someone yell r.i.p olivia newton john and i interjected that she wasn't dead big mistake drunk idiot got on one of those drunk loops about how i was wrong until we closed 20 minutes later i even showed him on my phone that she wasn't dead and he said you can google anything back when you kept a newspaper on the bar guy walks in and goes straight for the paper looks in one section than the other places paper down i asked him if he found what he was looking for and he said no his ex isn't dead or in jail then he asked for a beer i think you were living in a cold open from cheers a woman at a corporate event was explaining to three male co-workers how she loves the thrill obtained from coke being snorted off her ass sounds like someone i could get behind i've heard discussions on if my boobs were real listened to a couple in an open marriage and apparently be sexual scout out the picking for the evening listened to tons of people telling their so that they were working late one guy even met a date later listened to a couple have a very intense whispered argument about custody i assumed a kid turned out to be a cat listen to a couple guys plan how to rob me but ending was fun i miss it sometimes i overheard a woman who worked for a new zealand online dating service and was basically a profile sensor she described her job as being eighty percent willie pick removal and had seen so many willys she could divvy them up into a few distinct categories i a dude have a very similar job and can confirm honestly though compared to the other things i have to remove willy pics are like the best case scenario in my day what happens a lot while working in bars is that you overhear small snippets of conversation that sound really weird taken out of context stuff like the best way to steal eggs is to pretend that they are something else the dogs wouldn't stand a chance against bruce springsteen in his prime i don't know if she can swim but she bought sandals in the 90s i usually entertain myself making up stories about these conversations on valentine's day this year we had a guest who accepted a facetime from his girlfriend while his side chick was with him at the bar but he angled the phone so his girlfriend wouldn't see the girl but it was so obvious here's your drink ah and one for your date on the house happy valentine's day these three middle-aged women alone at the bar discussing an excruciating detail their sexual fantasies which seem to include sucking off a younger man i was 22 at the time they obviously knew i could hear them but it was so awkward i stood there cutting the heck out of lemons and limes you've never had the crap fricked out of you by a guy like me oh jesus i think i am the woman who got that bull's line sorry he went home alone i overheard a guy telling his friend that he was going to have sex with that bartender pointing to me he proceeded to say she might not be there but i am still going to have sex with her classy once this elder couple 55ish were talking about their bedroom problems the guy clearly had impotence issues and the lady kept complaining that she was feeling frustrated because he was frustrated and viogra wasn't really helping or at least not helping enough let's just say that other people around them weren't as comfortable as them about the conversation i'm not sure why you would choose a restaurant as the venue for this conversation as opposed to literally anywhere else two businessmen having after work drinks on a friday where the conversation built up to one of the sweetest sentiments i've heard at first the usual let me tell you you're a good person i love you man later on still fairly basic freak the wives hey you and me we buy motorcycles to finally this gem if a tornado were to blow you away i would fly after you i mean that or a group of 450-60 year-old women discussing their kd spread in call of duty even though we were busy i clearly heard the woman say to her friend hey look the bartender's really cute friend no he's not response oh yeah you're right dang dude that sucks i'm sure there's someone that thinks you're cute even if it's just your mom three girls were talking about some guy one of them was hooking up with apparently the night before she'd puked all over his willy still boned got all the details i never wanted not me as i'm a cook but a bartender i worked with and was good friends with overheard a regular that was a businessman who traveled to china often bragging about getting under age h while there made sure to tell everyone who knew him about it oh crap scrolled too much it stopped being the funny ones i keep asking him to shoot it on my face it's good for my skin but he refuses he says he doesn't want to disrespect me but i'm literally begging i was washing glasses right in front of these two girls at my bar it wasn't even like i was far away across the bar it's disrespectful to not take your girls desires seriously you won't come home with me because i have a stinky pea sob sob middle-aged woman on a first date at like seven o'clock on a wednesday the guy was planning on going home with her until that i guess now i understand where all the patients presenting to the emergency department with vaginal discharge at 9 00 pm on a wednesday come from i once listened to three people have an in-depth discussion about how they were going to kill the local vampire and the steps to take to protect themselves from the coven that said vampire is surely from my favorite though what a heated debate over whether the first robin would be a crime fighter if batman hadn't picked him up and trained him we love drunk comic book nerds but yes willie grayson still would have found a way to avenge his parents death and fight crime even without batman you think they have those straws for sucking drinks in your butt here row can't compete with that don't even really understand that i once heard a guy tell his buddy it's fun it's like laser tag but with real guns that was 20 years ago and to this day kick myself for not getting the whole story almost certainly meant paintball or airsoft sorry to ruin it for you was visiting my mom at work once she tends bar and heard her making conversation across the bar with a patron suddenly over the music i hear the guy slam his fist onto the bar and yell you off actually wrong he immediately faster planted on the bar and his buddy had to carry him out over there my mom was just commenting on the fact that the song that was playing this country this guy was going through a divorce and his buddy was consoling him he kept saying he'd never find someone as kinky as her his buddy tried to tell him plenty of people are kinky to which he replies you don't get a dude she used to blow our dog while we freaked holy frick mayo one time i walked out to the patio to have a smoke break into three people all talking very drunkenly but also very seriously about theoretical physics i bartended at a country club and there was this one group of tennis ladies that would always sit at the bar and get absolutely s faced on weeknights at our wine nights they took a liking to our main bartender and kept calling him exotic he's mexican they would say how love his beard would talk about their fav not tennis related positions how they kept their nether regions tidy slip in their numbers how crap their husbands were etc gave me death glares every time i'd be bartending bar backing with him lol the exotic mexican part got me lol randomly over her two middle-aged women as a woman ages she can choose between her face or her butthole but she can't choose both i have no idea i've seen it all one a couple who was obviously not married to each other they were on a business trip and would get drunk and make out like once a month when they met at my bar two a lawyer and a judge who are definitely not in the same place talking about a murder three if you didn't want it there why did you ask for it anal for look i'm not [ __ ] i'm just going through a phase where i frick dudes those are my fav note these are just some i'm prone to remember i'm not calling the police to tell them that one time when i bartended the judge and lawyer that i don't know drank together work in a downtown hotel bar right across from our convention center i've heard way too many negotiations between businessmen and escorts last one i heard involved the guy asking the lady how much extra she would charge to let his friend watch and she said it was two hundred dollars to watch five hundred dollars if he joins in i hated myself until i discovered masturbation just because i make love to myself doesn't mean i love myself i've bartended but my favorite conversation was overhead while i was on the other side of the bar look all i'm saying is grand theft auto severely ruined our generation's perception of how many police helicopters exist sounded like they were getting really heated over the mata that's a fair premise really when secretly listening to other people's conversations what was the most unsettling thing you heard homeless guy talking to himself saying he's ready to blow himself up with everyone on the train he had a lighter and a hot dog in his hands four women having lunch at a table next to me in a cafe one woman is dominating the conversation talking about her fancy and how she's not really that interested in him and that he's not very bright then she casually says that she is pregnant with some other guy's kid and is going to have an abortion the others tried to smile and act like it was funny but i could see the troubled expressions on their faces i guess the most disturbing thing was how loudly she was talking and how unconcerned she was like this is totally normal for her and her friends i hope someone tells her fiance poor dude there was a girl behind me talking casually with her friends about how she was in bed with a dude and as they finished she remembered it was her boyfriend's birthday wow that's fricked up i lived in a house where my bedroom shared a wall with next door's bedroom we had a nightmare family next door who were always yelling and screaming at each other i eventually learned to tune them out one day they were having a particularly blazing row when i heard the mum scream that is incest of the daughter it turned out she was boning her step-brother but that they had grown up together since they were around 2 13 year old me was rather surprised years ago i had to go to the emergency room to get my foot stitched up whilst i was waiting for the nurse to come stitch me up i overheard the woman in the bed next to me both our curtains were drawn so we were essentially in our own little rooms explained to the nurse that she was hiv positive and had been for a while but begged the nurse not to tell her husband i never found out what happened but it always stuck with me i still can't believe she would keep that from him and i always wondered whether the nurse would have to tell him or respect her request about seven eight years ago around easter i was at church waiting in line for confession this guy was right in front of me and when he went in he spoke just loud enough for me to hear him say he regretted beating his wife i'm not sure why but that really shook me i heard god awful screams a little while later a girl run up to my neighbor and say that the emt's got her brother breathing again about nine-year-old boy another little bit of time passes and i hear the neighbor say the boy died he had an asthma attack and lived in a hoarder type house that was condemned i assume he couldn't find his inhaler in all the mess unclean conditions may not cause asthma but mold spores or even large amounts of can absolutely trigger it if this is a kind of hoarder house where the healthy adults on the cleanup crew wear respirators the parents should be tried for manslaughter or criminal negligence heard a dude graphically talk about finding his girlfriend hung herself the other guy said did you frick the body i didn't a double take in my head and quickly left maybe they realized you were ever stripping and were trying to frick with you that's what i want to believe i'm a perpetual eavesdropper can't turn it off and i overheard my parents quietly discussing some blood tests i'd gotten in another room but this is just the snippet i remember clearly dad her phosphate's critically low i'm not sure what we should do at this point mum frazzled weepy we have to get her into the aiku she could just die in her sleep she could just die very unpleasant to hear my phosphate as it turns out was hovering 0.4 which is extremely serious but finding that out wasn't as bad as listening to my parents discuss the course of action they're both doctors and never stressed about their kids injuries or illnesses cause they'd always seem dealt with worse but this time my dad sounded genuinely concerned and my mom was crying which he just doesn't do that was last week and my phosphates getting back on track thanks to medical intervention but that was definitely the most pure dread i've ever felt hearing them talk about it people talking crap about my mom who died a few weeks earlier of cancer worse was that later said something to my face about it i would have punched that sea in the face i was waiting to pick up a carryout order and i heard one waitress say to another so like can you get herpes from kissing someone or like do you need to touch their blood how does that work i'm just curious i didn't want my food anymore i'll have the herpes and ham soup a mom was talking about not being able to afford her daughter's school clothes so she had to convince her daughter to take some stuff out of lost property and in the same conversation talked about paying 700 for her lubs and she had just leased her 400 monthly car frick i hate people like her i overheard a wife girlfriend threatened to shred all of a guy's magic the gathering cards i didn't get a chance to hear the rest because i accidentally let out a gasp of horror as they were walking away arguing one time i was at an ihop with a buddy and at the table behind us was an older woman telling her granddaughter how to trap a man by getting pregnant she was going in depth about how to store used condoms and how to inseminate herself and i was just staring at my pancakes with shell shock what the heck the whole train wagon listened the following as the two drunkards spoke loud as f hey you heard alex stopped with his unofficial tattoo studio b yeah i heard he got aids and doesn't feel so good lately hey he got what b aids he was diagnosed a year ago a i wanted him to finish the tattoo he started a month ago and he said he just doesn't do it no more crap i bet he got me infected with his freaking tattoo needle freaking junkies i am constantly disturbed by listening to what parents say do to their children in public a lot of people are not fit to be parents my parents are in serious debt and had no problem going into detail about how troubling their situation was i had so much anxiety growing up i was a city bus driver for a few years one overheard conversation i'll never forget is a dad talking into his cell phone to his wife gf obviously punching mad telling her how he's gonna beat their child when he gets home then he makes a put the kid on the phone and proceeds to tell the kid that he's going to freaking murder him and put him through a wall and break his freaking neck not blustery angry dude noise low and mean and with intent it was really upsetting so i called it into the on duty supervisor xcop and asked to have the local pd dispatched to my bus to talk to this butthole the supervisor tells me not to worry about it i say no i'm intending to keep worrying about it so he sighs butthole and calls the pd who refuse to come out because they can't respond to hearsay my boss had 13 freaking cameras onboard recording audio and video the whole time i quit not long after that frick that job okay maybe this doesn't belong here because it was said directly to me instead of my overhearing it but i'm heading home from late class and i'm downtown waiting for the bus a middle-aged man walks into the small bus stop area he has a phone pressed to his ear and tagging along with him as a little boy maybe around five or six there were probably two more people around not paying attention the man steps outside of the other stop for a minute and begins talking on the phone frantically the little boy takes this moment to come up to me and say my daddy doesn't love me i don't know why i don't know how to make him love me he sounds very sad yet very matter of fact i am shocked for a moment and i have absolutely nothing to say save for trying to deny what he said but what the heck do i know while i'm stuttering out something along the lines of of course he loves you the guy on the phones calls out for the kid and they take off down the street the guy is practically dragging the kid that's how fast they took off that was so sad to hear even more sad was that the kid didn't seem to be exaggerating and seemed to be resigned to the fact that his dad didn't love him [ __ ] felt the need to tell a complete stranger my heart just broke reading this poor boy i wouldn't know what to say to that either if i were in your shoes maybe it was just a bad stressful day for the dad or lil guy's parents were going through a divorce either way i hope it gets better for the poor kid so this happened about five years ago i was at a shady old bar with a few friends and there were two men in their 50s sitting in front of the a slot machine we could listen to their conversation very clearly since our table was about three meters away from them they kept talking about one to keep him starving for a bit longer and we'll need to get him a newspaper this was so scary to us maybe he was keeping a person locked up but probably not one of the creepiest things 17 year old me heard dog fights a guy in my high school spanish class talking about raping a girl over the weekend he didn't call it rape but he said she was crying and telling him to stop and that it hurt but he kept going because she just had to get used to it his friend agreed with him christ that's terrible not unsettling after i looked into it but caught me off guard at first at a coffee shop i overhear what i gathered to be two professors at my school's theology school their conversation caught my attention when i heard them talk about one of their students favorably saying she's working very hard on getting her std i looked up a possible alternative acronym turns out they're referring to a doctorate in sacred theology which can be referred to as an std you listen to me sir i have three std and i'll be damned if i don't use them i was inside a church in barcelona and i overheard a prey the guy is asking if i kill someone the voices the chance is going to stop get better he was muttering in spanish that can be trick for portuguese speakers i saw this guy all the time and he look always in extreme distress that's schizophrenia lived in a crappy apartment for a couple of years walls were so thin i could routinely hear others conversations next door neighbor liked to tell her eight-year-old son that he was a loser and would never amount to anything it was heartbreaking but the worst incident was my downstairs neighbor let's call him steve steve was rather unstable and the cops knew him from their frequent visits one night around 2 a.m he started blasting loud music apparently several people called the cops because an officer showed up before i even had a chance to call them myself i hear the police banging on steve's door yelling this is the police open the door steve then the cop went around to the side and banged on the window yelling steve turn off the music and answer the door the music abruptly stops and i hear the cop go back to the front door and knock it loudly with his fists again more yelling for steve to open the door then i guess steve did open the door because next the cop yelled steve put down the hammer and then i only heard some grunts and horrible moaning by this time i was on the phone with 911 freaking out and telling them that i think a policeman has been killed by my downstairs neighbor i never found out if the policeman lived or died i was too terrified to leave my apartment that night because i didn't know where steve went and or if he heard me freaking out on the phone to the cops i could see through my window that a number of police cars and ambulances showed up but i never left my apartment to investigate and they never came to me for a statement or anything that incident was about 20 years ago and i still remember it so vividly i can hear the cops voice and those weird gurgling grunt sounds like it was yesterday my friend had a downstairs neighbor whose boyfriend cheated on her constantly and their closets formed a perfect chimney for the sound to come up so anytime she was crying in her bedroom we could hear her the worst was when he cheated on her with her best friend on her birthday in her own bed we didn't hear that but we heard the aftermath in this case we were the ones having the unsettling conversation so i'm grocery shopping with my four-year-old and we're in the meat section i'm looking for a good pack of ground beef when this lady walks up and starts looking for meat too well my daughter points to a pack of ground beef and asks mommy what's that stuff now i know she knows what ground beef is so i answered well these are brains honey and she said are those human brains in her childish awestruck voice i said well yeah when you die they cast you up and different parts of your body turn into different meats i pointed to the steaks and told her those were feet and the ground beef was our brains and well i finally grab some meat and when i look up the lady next to us has the most horrified sick look on her face i turn the cart around and as we pass by the roasts my daughter says hey look mom butt cheeks aww that's cute used to work in a call center sat next to a schizophrenic bipolar colleague she used to sit there talking to herself about pulling the wings off butterflies and making them suffer for her she also said if xxx female colleague came near her boyfriend again she would slit her throat she didn't have a boyfriend reported it to management they said she's special needs there's not much we can do i was sitting next to these two ladies at a bar one was talking about how her son died in a car accident she was crying pretty hard and the other lady goes it's been over a year already in an annoyed voice what a bee sat next to four girls wannabe types in a williamsburg restaurant while having dinner with my wife in quick succession hey my daddy i assume the confectionary type wants to take me to the hamptons this week neither another girl for a threesome b another girl your p tastes good you wanna come be he treats you good right i am down for it i got to pay some bills my parents need some money to pay rent a his cm tastes all right nothing kinky c yo i have to pay my loans does your daddy want a foursome laughter hey i'll ask usually for a big party he brings in his stepson he is cute and such a baby he is like a junior at nyu that ending got me shouting what the frick two guys talking about whether they had enough gasoline to get the job done they could have been talking about burning brush or a derby rally or they could have been talking about burning down the warehouse that burned down that week well frick walking with some friends through seattle i heard a group of women discussing the best way to get one of their fathers to bed another one of the girls these girls were all in their early 20s at the youngest i was in my yard recently and overheard my neighbors in their yard it's a 60 year old woman and her 40 year old son i heard them talking about how they needed to wash their dolls and dye their hair again because they got them too dirty in bed last night they also share a bed from what i heard this is when you know you should move yuck a seven eight-year-old kid telling his mom that he didn't want to hurt people but the voice in his head told him to crap kid i am only here for diapers now you creeped me the frick out i hope he got meds or therapy or something positive i've once heard a woman says she will lose her children in a custody battle because of a seemingly unethical judge in family court hearing my unemployed neighbor tell his wife that he'll have to go there kfc with her because she can't do anything right and she forgot his chocolate cake he was verbally abusive it was messed up being privy to that i wonder why she didn't leave the same reason my ex-friend's mom doesn't leave her fiance when he's calling her 17-year-old daughter a w you ain't got no money or education to leave i work in a law firm that focuses on domestic cases i overheard a client talking about how her kids found vibrating sticks in their dad's bedroom i was at the mall when i overheard this wonderful exchange dude broadway she's pretty hot man do deborah b but she's pretty young do debra away i mean in six more years she'll be 18. do deborah b yeah and you'll be 35 i don't know if it was some sort of joke or not but it made me super uncomfortable i let out an audible what the frick before they glanced over at me with a panicked expression and walked away quickly dude bees had some experience to steering the convo away from dooday's freaky pedo crap i was in a nightclub one time and the music was over so everyone was leaving at the same time as we slowly made our way out i heard two girls talking behind me girl one says i love this place you can do something like this the girl grabs my butt and no one cares and girl 2 just says yeah it's great craic fun isn't it i pretended not to notice due to drunkenness but i was actually fairly sober it didn't bother me really it just unsettled me a little bit because as a guy you don't expect that crap to happen two very respectable looking older gentleman sitting in a pub discussing how ugly women probably want to get raped sick fricks i had to fight the impulse to down vote then i realized you were just telling the story i almost shot the messenger age 11 her dad insisting he better at least get a [ __ ] when talking to mom down the hallway where sound carried unfortunately surprisingly well the kid next door was told very loudly by his mom that he was an accident she never wanted and she regretted not having an abortion every day all the kids playing outside heard that one it was also said on more than one occasion he did grow up to have quite a good career in finance if i recall correctly my parents neighbors speak super loud once i was in my sister's bedroom the neighbor's living room is on the other side of her room when we hear the mother say since i started my menopause my vaginal discharge is green green with too high emphasis we're still traumatized about it i work at a coffee shop and two adults regulars were talking about 16 year old girls i never looked at them the same my wife is from algeria one day we were in an algerian university while we were visiting her family and friends standing back against a wall looking out over a balcony there's two kids around the corner from us who have no idea we're there but are talking about how they raped a girl they were friends with and now she's pregnant they didn't know which was the father or anything but knew their lives would be ruined and spent in prison if anyone found out so fear talking about how to get this girl an abortion so nobody finds out she's pregnant in algeria if a girl gets pregnant before marriage she either has to marry the man she slept with or her family and marital life is over basically so the girl they raped was more than likely scared to tell her family what happened for fear feed disown her for pre-marital sex in the case of rape victims there are shelters and stuff set up to help them but the help is rarely enough for the women alone let alone a baby they finally came to the conclusion that they should basically kidnap her and beat her stomach so badly she has a miscarriage and then abandon her outside the city on a beach to be found by police no idea if they ever did it but my wife and her friends looked totally mortified as they were listening to these monsters talk about this and translating it all to me when i was a kid i had an old black and white knob tv in my bedroom if you turned the uhf dial as far as it would go to channel 81 the frequency would bleed over into the same range as cordless phones my friends and i would spend countless sleepovers listening to all of the people who lived in the town homes around us and all of their day-to-day bulls the problem was it was a crap shoot you move the antenna around and pick up different signals but they would go in and out occasionally we would hit am radio stations from five states away sometimes only a faint and of a conversation but sometimes it was loud and clear and it was like you were right there in the phone with them this was one of those calls i heard a male voice that none of us recognized speaking to whom we assume was a 1 900 sex line trying to convince the woman on the other end to act like a five-year-old she refused at first but after some praying he convinced her she threw on this baby voice and he went off he pretended to be her daddy and wanted to make her feel good let's just say crap got disgusting really fast and the phone sex worker went right along with it so after some heavy breathing and audible climax he thanked her and asked her name so he could ask for her again next time her name was candy of course it was my two friends and i immediately went into hardy boys mode and over the next few weeks of summer tried to figure out who the creepy guy was we looked first at any single dudes in the neighborhood but there wasn't many then one of us had the creepy realization that it was probably someone with kids so we would eyeball anyone within a few houses of mind figuring the signal wouldn't have been very strong we never 100 solved the case but we had our main suspect it was a weird family who lives next door to me they were this perfect little family with a stepford wife mother and a you maybe six-year-old son the dad was the sweater vest wearing super religious guy something always struck me as odd about that family after a few weeks we moved on to another adventure but that call always stuck with me during my exams when i was 16 i overheard my dad talking to one of my family members on the phone about my mum's cancer that's how i found out and because i wasn't being told i overthought everything it took my mind out of it and i luckily got okay grades she's fine now and said that the reason that they didn't tell me was because of my exams but my dad's inability to keep a secret ruined that my mom to my pregnant cousin well you know if you on top then it'll be a boy that's how it happened with school boy jew my cousin's response was heck then all of our kids will be boys because i'm always on top people have ruined it who speak a language they don't look like they would speak have you ever had someone talk bad about you in your second language what happened after i'm white but reasonably fluent in korean when i went to an orthopedist in korea for elbow pain a translator was provided by the hospital and i figured i might as well talk through him in case there was any specific medical terminology i didn't know after describing my symptoms and a brief physical exam where i was visibly in pain the translator told the doctor that he thought i was only pretending the thing was he was doing an absolutely terrible job of translating even prior to that so i quickly responded and you're only pretending to know english in korean the doc actually cracked a smile and the translator spent the rest of my visit sitting in his seat without saying a single word wow that's pretty messed up of your translator was visiting hiroshima in japan and walking around alone then i see a caucasian guy walk up to me and influent japanese asked me to take a photo of him in front of one of the monuments but for context i'm asian but i don't speak a word of japanese so after a couple of seconds i said uh do you speak english awkward silence ensues he goes up yep easily made my day we did make small talk after oh hey where are you visiting from etc but went our separate ways in europe people assume i speak arabic in the us people assume i speak spanish aside from asylum and hola i don't really speak either but i always find it entertaining when my ethnic ambiguity confuses people first time i visited montreal was on a school trip i'm from alberta and our hotel receptionist knew this i guess she had assumed we couldn't speak french which looking back was pretty stupid of her what kind of school would send non-french-speaking kids to the only french province anyway one of my friends was having an asthma attack and the receptionist muttered under her breath a talfay seal tea planet suffocate please to which i responded madame parlez do you speak to all of your customers this way not super clever on my part but it shut her up my father-in-law is moroccan but has lived 30-plus years in finland and is completely fluent in four languages including finnish he traveled a lot on business selling air conditioning units once whilst on a connecting flight within the states he overheard two young finnish girls on holiday talking to each other about which one would have to sit in the middle seat next to the terrorist they spent the flight being incredibly rude about my polite father-in-law who bit his tongue it was only until they got onto the terminal bus that he gave up his seat to one of the girls and said in finnish you can have my seat after hearing you i have decided to stop being a terrorist and start selling air conditioning units he says they were absolutely mortified was sitting on the london tube on the way back from a long day at work and over her two older irish ladies who had moved to london a good 40-plus years ago speaking to each other in broken irish they had just come from an irish meet-up event and were lamenting the fact that the irish language was slowly dying off i was dressed in my suit like all the rest of the other city drones so there was nothing to single me out as irish ps i'm not ginger i lent over casually with a smile and said neil and changamab fosu which translates to the language isn't dead yet the surprise on their faces and the smiles that followed were priceless we'll never forget it so you're basically admitting that you broke tube etiquette initiating conversation with strangers take this one away boys i've got two cases of this one is me one is an old co-worker i was on a train in the uk recently and it was pretty full there was a french couple stood near me who ended up trash talking the people around them as soon as they got to me i interrupted and said stop i understand you they hide each other and shut up the other one is the flip side ex-colleagues friend is on a train in france drunk and trash talking in english one particular woman sat a couple of seats behind the woman doesn't interrupt and sits listening to it all when it's time for her to get off she walks by the ex-colleague's friend and says i understood every word you said the ex-colleague's friend almost died of embarrassment and shut up for the rest of the journey man i gotta say folks must be pretty stupid to trash talk in english like 80 percent of the western world understands english to a possible degree wtf are they thinking i was on vacation in turkey in 2016. on the first day i was at the beach like everybody would do of course i didn't know my way around the hotel so i just left my towel on the beach chair and went to my room to go on the toilet instead of aimlessly looking around the place for one when i came back to my spot there was an older russian couple taking the chairs next to me i laid back in my chair put my hat on my face and just tried to snooze for some time in the shade a couple minutes later i hear the woman next to me saying look at those freaking germans sleeping until until noon but always having to reserve the best spots early in the morning freaking nazis in russian of course some time later i woke up and had to pee again i put my hat on the table next to me and asked them in russian do you undertand russian do you know where the nearest toilet is the woman was turning so red you could mistake her for a tomato her husband told me where to go and so i went after i said thank you in russian again when i came back they were gone i haven't seen them again until one week later on the flight back to germany in the seats next to me i said i had hope that they have enjoyed their vacation and asked if they mind me taking the seat next to the window so they wouldn't have to wake me mid-flight to get up while i didn't get any sleep on the flight they also haven't said a single word turns out they are living just a couple streets away from me since we all took the same subway and tram back home after landing at the airport a punishment dragged out perfect i don't speak a second language but a friend of mine's family did his sister didn't like me for some reason but whenever she would talk crap in spanish he would just repeat it in english and ask why she would say that it was very fun i'm glad he stood up for you at least i live in finland and every summer we get some obnoxious middle-aged tourists who feel free to comment on people's appearances in plain english for your information everyone here understands you from age 10 to 60 at least my family is georgian the country and i speak georgian this december i went to visit family with an american friend i stand out a bit but usually i'm not a dead giveaway however she was we or i guess just i overheard more than a couple of pretty rude but honestly kind of funny comments in the streets mostly from older people commenting on us being american and dressing weird i speak georgian too but it's the state so it's less impressive i'm one of the palest people i know add to that blonde hair and a thick northern uk accent i look like the last person on the planet to speak a middle eastern language we married into an egyptian family and we spend plenty of time there my arabic isn't amazing but i can get by i live for the horrified look on people's faces when i switch to arabic i used to do debt collection for a utility company and had a gentleman who refused to pay his bill he called me all kinds of horrific names i quickly told him in arabic that i absolutely wouldn't tolerate language like that that i was trying to help him and that he was bringing shame on his family he started for a good few minutes apologized and ended up paying however i got into trouble at work because all calls are recorded at the call center and management were unable to review my call because they couldn't understand what i was saying they were worried i could have said something offensive etc so from then on we were forced to use professional translation services only on three-way calls which was an absolute pain mine is a pretty general story nothing too exciting but it still makes me grin when i think back on it was traveling in austria getting on a shuttle to go from innsbruck to a small little town higher in the mountains i was chatting and laughing with a few friends as i got on my american accent on full display there were two older women who gave us weird looks as we boarded and we sat down across the island just behind them almost as soon as we sat down one turned to the other and said in german stupid american tourists are always so loud i was sitting nearest to them on the isle so i leaned forward and said in my far less perfect but still understandable german and you're not as quiet as you think it was a luong gride of pleasant silence up through the mountains stupid american tourists are always so loud dumb american ish tourist and cindy masolot i don't think many english speakers would have much trouble working out what this means regardless of german ability german is not the language to be insulting english speakers in secret because a lot of the words are very similar we were visiting the grand canyon and found ourselves on the same tour bus as a group of germans at the time my mom was particularly heavy which i guess one of the germans took personal offense to and loudly told her friends as much several laughed so my dad speaks german and had a big issue with this so he starts laughing with them and says in german that's hilarious i like to tell jokes too want to hear one it's about some very stupid germans needless to say they did their best to avoid us after that he actually only recently told my mom what actually happened on that bus at the time he told her he accidentally offended them and she thought it was hilarious i look quite not italian but certainly european long dark hair and quite pale skin at the time i was on vacation with my family including my old grandpa suffering from parkinson's and dementia and i was in the best shape of my life we were visiting italy and looking at all the old stuff my grandmother remembered while i pushed her around in a wheelchair in the hilly cities around the garda lake one day while my family and i were taking a stroll i noticed two ladies in their 40s discussing me in german a language i don't speak but definitely understand the conversation sounded a bit like look at that handsome young lad pushing around his grandmother he is so nice and good looking too giggles bad news my father and stepmother i was traveling with also understand german and i haven't seen my dad with that kind of crap eating grin for ages so now i get teased about pulling old german ladies at family dinners i love this so positive i am 100 mexican but i don't obviously look it and even though spanish is my first language i speak english without an accent i remember back in college i started this job as a delivery driver cashier at this japanese restaurant my first day there i was being trained by someone that worked there who was around my age most of the kitchen was mexican or from somewhere in south central america where they spoke spanish as she's training me on the processes and teaching about the orders i could hear comments from the back that were in the liner though i bet they're gonna freak and they want each other it was funny to me because it was a bunch of grown men gossiping like they were in high school i didn't really get a chance to talk to them because i was so busy learning the ropes so i stayed quiet about that at the end of the day the owner asked me if i could could drive the cooks back home since it was on my way i agreed and we all got in my car and i asked them in spanish how to get to their place they were all silent for a second and they all starting laughing and saying you speak spanish well crap why the frick didn't you say so it was a light-hearted car ride and i enjoyed it and their company we all became friends during my time working there and i would often drive them home because i enjoyed talking with them outside of work this ended surprisingly wholesomely i know a decent amount of asl american sign language and was in my second college course learning asl when this happened my younger sister's friend was going to buy a puppy and wanted me to go so she wasn't meeting strangers alone the group of people we are meeting get out of the car and we realize they are deaf the girl selling the puppy to my sister's friend starts talking to her and i'm just chilling off to the side another girl and a guy were off to the side also the girl was signing mad crap about me and my sister's friend being hearing and just rude stuff in general i don't remember much but the guy noticed i was watching the conversation he told the trash talker to quit because he thought i could understand what she was saying she blew him off and continued eventually my sister's friend buys the puppy and as we are saying goodbyes i sign thanks for meeting us have a great day and have a safe drive home i swear to god the dude that was telling the trash talker to be quiet earlier about pee his pants laughing at her it made my day just recently when i was in malta my friend is bulgarian and she has friends from all over the place there too so we all speak english however i'm dutch and when we're eating at this restaurant there was this one old dutch couple relatively close to our table the guy kept swearing because he thought we were too loud but we really weren't it just seemed they were a bit bitter and sour because they had nothing to say to one another swearing in dutch is a bit special too since compared to most languages it's incredibly harsh it's basically wishing diseases like cancer and typhus to one another at some point he was just kind of mumbling swear words one after the other pretending to look outside the window when even his wife was telling him to stop so i turned and i asked in dutch everything all right nice weather out isn't it they replied back in kind and i didn't hear him swear for the rest of the evening i am fluent in spanish because i lived in a spanish-speaking country and my wife and her family are all native spanish speakers but as i am fairly pale most don't expect me to speak spanish one day when i was working retail i was helping this latino family a bulla grandmother husband wife and kids who all spoke english very well by a computer since they all spoke english i didn't mention me being able to speak spanish however when i recommended a more expensive computer that they were looking at the one they wanted sucked and wouldn't have been good for what they wanted to do the abulla spoke to the husband in spanish saying this gringo doesn't know what he's talking about get the cheaper one i looked her dead in the eye and responding in spanish said i actually know exactly what i'm talking about as i have been doing this for many years i then turned walked away to check and see if we had the one i was recommending in stock the aboola didn't say another word the entire time they were there and they bought the computer i recommended another story is my wife and i went to the mexican consulate and when i asked a security guard where the bathroom was he responded to me in broken english that it was down the hall to the left it happens constantly why do people even ask for recommendations from employees if they think they are incompetent why waste the time i went on a vacation to the keys like a year ago and i walk into the bathroom at my hotel and as i'm going to go into the stall this cuban janitor lady sees me and tells me in broken english that i can't come in i say okay and as i'm leaving she says tilley nesbi jealous poor knee pinger he pretty much saying i have glasses for no reason and that i see frick all now i'm a six one white skinned dude with light brown hair and green eyes far from a typical cuban i walk back inside the bathroom when i hear her say that and tell her miss i'm cuban too i heard what you said she gets red like a tomato and denies ever saying anything i feel lime cubans are the hardest to spot as spanish speakers all of my family is 100 cuban and most of them look white for example my uncle grew up having red hair freckles and green eyes it's really tricky to spot them out in my experience i was living in jersey and got into a taxi the driver was on the phone and started talking in spanish to the other end about me how he just picked up some white girl and then must have answered the what does she look like saying i was cute for a white girl i'm very light-skinned because i take after my dad who's cuban my mom who is puerto rican has very dark olive skin once he got off the phone i said to him in spanish that he shouldn't always assume someone is a gringa just because he thinks they look it his eyes about bugged out of his head and i laughed he started apologizing and told him it was okay because he didn't say anything too badly but that i hope he learned a lesson he reacted surprisingly well good on you for speaking up lol i'm a very pale person and i was a waiter at a tex-mex restaurant a customer came in and said i don't want this ugly white boy serving them to each other in spanish and i chimed in that i started going to the gym as a joke and spanish to break the ice they were clearly very embarrassed and gave me a 25 tip to make up for it so it worked out my son was a car salesman for a while he often had hispanic couples as customers they would talk to each other in spanish thinking their conversation was private he would let them go a while then join in the conversation in spanish i am a tall skinny blonde dude with a degree in spanish i went to recycle my bottles and the mexicans called me skinny and weak for not carrying all my cans at once they said george was stronger than me ha and george is a weakling white dude in texas speak enough spanish to get by you'd be surprised how many hispanics talk crap and assume i'm some dumb butthole jokes on them i'm a dumb bilingual butthole not me but my friend arabic is her second language her dad is jordanian mom is american at the grocery store the two young guys in line behind her at checkouts were going on and on in arabic about her large breasts and what they would do to her finally she's had enough and turns around lets them know she understood everything they just said they were obviously shocked embarrassed and said nothing i'm puerto rican but i tend to look indian whenever i'll let my hair grow out and let my facial hair become rather unkempt thanks taino geens i used to work at a big red retail store years ago and i remember a time where i heard an older mom start complaining to her son that i'm putting in too many items in her bags and that i'm not double bagging them she then muttered stay in school so you don't end up like this guy now i had only done around three bags she probably had another 20-25 items to go i slowed my pace down and gently began to insert one item into two bags every single item she starts complaining that i'm too slow and she has places to be so i slow down even more i gently checked for the barcode and made sure that her bags were inserted perfectly into her cart finally she insisted that i can just done one item at a time i tell her no i want to do this right in spanish queero hey sorresto bien she paused and her son just stared at her while she comprehended what was happening from there she just nodded her head as i scanned back to normal she became deathly silent for the rest of the transaction cash or credit no response she wanted a red card no response have a good day i got to listen i'm she didn't even finish she just paused and walked away while her poor son didn't know what to do listen i'm saying sorry is an existential threat to some people redditers who have legally died heart attacks etc what was it like the intentional age overdose it didn't feel like anything at all one minute i was there then i don't remember anything i do have some recollection of feeling peaceful and calm but i was you know shooting up h it's the coming back that was excruciating i was told i was not breathing and had no heartbeat when the emts got there they did stuff i'm assuming narcan maybe some compressions i came to on the kitchen floor right under the light freaking intense eye pain everything was so bright it hurt to breathe it hurt to move every muscle in my body was screaming and it felt like i had battery acid in my veins and everything was so loud it felt like everyone was screaming i remember being sad that i was back i think i cried but then pain took over and i don't remember much until the hospital i try not to think about it too much would not recommend once my heart stopped pumping i had an undiagnosed arrhythmia at the time i slowly died while my heart stopped pumping it hurt it hurt in a silent complete way i cannot describe everything went dark i lost my hearing then black and then my heart started again and i opened my eyes alive that is it that's how one of my friends described death no joke he's died twice and he described it the exact same way you did a silent complete pain in darkness akin to falling in a world where atmospheric pressure was at the same time extremely high in a vacuum like every particle of his being was being pulled in every direction i don't know if i was legally dead but i drowned in a pool when i was six all i remember was falling into the water and not seeing anything it was not like where your eyes are closed you just could not see anything it was so dark so quiet i woke up and everything felt surreal i could barely hear but i heard my mom crying and people standing around me and then i felt a really warm breeze of there and i woke up in a hospital tl dr nothing i saw nothing i felt nothing i didn't even know that i had been dead for four minutes until the doctors told me the only thing that changed really was that i now know i'm allergic to narcotics opiates kinda scary to think we could just disappear like that i haven't technically died but i think i have an understanding of what it feels like to be close when i was 18 i needed open heart surgery to relieve my ihss thickening of the heart walls so my valves wouldn't be blocked anymore due to some complications during surgery i had a pacemaker implanted the pacer makes my heart work 100 of the time it is programmable by the doctors by the means of a remote control placed over the implant location they can determine what level to set my heart rate one day at a routine checkup i asked what it would feel like if i didn't have the pacemaker they asked me if i wanted to see for myself telling me they could turn it off with the remote being adventurous i agreed and laid down on the exam table they gave me the countdown and as soon as they switched it off it felt like a 1000 pound man sitting on my chest who was gaining hundreds of pounds a second they had my pacer off for less than five seconds they said i have 12 minutes to get to the hospital if it ever breaks or stops working on its own scary crap two things one stay away from microwaves and magnets two uh knowing how the heart races when placed i'm surprised at your username while i was deployed i took an ied while on a foot patrol i was not knocked out after the explosion i was quickly bleeding out and fading in and out when i got to the point of being on the verge of death everything started to slow down my buddy's screams turned into whispers and this very relaxing feeling came over me it's a relaxed warmth i cannot really describe i found myself perfectly comfortable with the idea of passing away i wasn't thinking of family or anything else other than the feeling then everything went black woke up in a field hospital they told me i had died twice but they were able to keep me alive also i may have to mention i don't believe in god or afterlife so that did not influence my feelings during this event a few years ago i was hit by a truck my nose was broken among other things and my head hit the pavement so hard that i received mild head trauma i began to seize in the middle of the street where i was laying because of some complicated medical crap involving the bizarre angle of my head during aforementioned seizure and the blood coming from my nose going down my throat instead of out of my nostrils i suffocated i was not conscious but i was aware and that's the best way i can describe it i did not see myself from outside of my body i did not see a light i felt my brain feel like it was shrinking and i felt my eyes refused to open i could taste the blood but couldn't spit it out my brain felt like pinhead's face and i was so aware that i was unable to control my body i then had the thought that this was it i knew that my last words were whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there because i was singing drive with my friend which was going to be the last song i had ever listened to everyone says that your life flashes before your eyes i was only 14 and the only thing that flashed before my eyes was all the things i never got to do it was terror and confusion and i was so painfully aware of it suddenly the pains and the fear stopped it felt like i had fallen asleep but better i felt relief it felt like at every point in my body there was a thread connecting it to a spiritual version of myself i felt so many of those threads break i felt my brain let go lay down its burden and feel okay suddenly i was awake waking up was honestly the worst part everything hurt everything was loud i wanted that medic to just let me go back dying was the most serene peaceful refreshing feeling side note i love living i'm glad i lived the physical pain was fifty shades of cray so dying was relief i'm all healed now okay so i have a really bad food allergy i accidentally ingested some dairy about 12 years ago and i experienced the whole bit flightful life six days in a coma two one stroke two weeks in the hospital all from a single bite of cheese my heart never stopped beating but i spent a significant amount of time without the proper oxygen levels in my blood it is measured in percentage and the typical person ranges from 95 minus 99 if you hit 80 percent you are usually hospitalized and brain damaged can start at sixty percent i spent some time down in the forty percent range the doctors told my parents that i probably wouldn't survive and even if i did i would have brain damage i don't remember a whole lot from this ordeal but i do recall a terrible feeling of being incredibly alone this overwhelming feeling of nothingness just a hopeless and consuming feeling that took over and made me feel like there was no hope i don't have a picture or a thought that goes with this feeling just this awful emotional state of hopelessness certain sounds or smells will remind me of this feeling sometimes and i will get flooded with fair it is an awful feeling and that the idea of dying terrifies me at times because i fear this feeling is what awaits i'm fine now no brain damage at all i'm working on a gradual degree and managing my allergy as well as i can i know this doesn't really count as dying but figured i might as well share tl dr didn't quite die still sucked i was pushed into a lake in january i was four at the time my cousin pushed me off a dock and i broke through the ice i don't really remember dying or anything i remember coming to in an ambulance and my heart and lungs hurting i'm scared of frozen bodies of water it hasn't affected me much beyond that i'd be more scared of my cousin nikki sixx was declared dead for two minutes his opinion when you die every single muscle in your body hurts your body has closed down because it thinks it's done and when it gets rebooted every inch of you hurts from his book the h diaries nikki sixx drank h out of a fire hose my mother had this happen to her when her heart suddenly stopped she's practical no nonsense a nurse she said it was awesome vivid was surrounded by people a lot of people she was pulled out of that cityscape of the great beyond and found herself in a hospital bed the doctor saying you died you died she said frick let me go back i want to go back the doctor said the only place you are going is downstairs to get a pacemaker if you meet her she will tell you how incredibly cool the experience was she's no longer afraid of death after you die you have approximately six minutes of brain activity iod bonsie and my friend had to do cpr to me she said i started to turn blue and she got really scared i'm not sure if i were legally dead but i would assume i was my nail beds took a couple of weeks to turn the regular color again for me it was just like a light switch turning off no lights or dead relatives inviting me into the afterlife there was nothing it was the blackest black i had ever seen when i woke up it was like a dream a very scary one this happened to my mother before i was born during a gall stone op her story was that she was over the op table and could see all the commotion and recalled what the doctors said after she was clinically dead she later confronted the surgeon and told him off for his foul language which he awkwardly backed up as fact this would have been 40-plus years ago now back then this whole near-death experience phenomena was not really known of according to my psychology class they are studying out of body experiences heavily to figure out how it happens in other words they think it might be a real psychological phenomenon and want to figure out how we do that not me but my uncle he is a cool dude rolls around in his wheelchair like a boss with an eye patch over his left eye looking like a pirate anyways while he was in the hospital during an operation his heart stopped i don't remember for how long biddy told me that during that time he went to a place that was all light not just white puffy clouds but all blinding light a voice told him it wasn't his time yet and his heart started beating again he isn't religious so he didn't describe it as heaven and had no reason to also no one told him that his heart stopped until five months after the surgery he just always talked about the dream he had while he was under the same happened to my grandpa that is exactly how he described it the first time i didn't get to ask him about the second i was born dead umbilical cord wrapped around my neck three times i don't remember it obviously luckily i don't have any adverse problems because of it except i'm really uncoordinated and socially awkward which could be from anything not me but a cousin he told me of this place with rainbow colored clouds almost like a nebula at the very center was this skyscraper or tower and he was on top of it eating lunch with someone when they brought him back he was in a coma for two weeks after that my dad went through this twice and never talks about it but has been distant ever since so thank you for asking this i can't understand it but i can understand why he wouldn't talk about it now i have a friend who was dead for a couple minutes he said there was complete darkness but he was aware of his senses and he felt frozen but he could see something in the distance but for some reason it scared him and he couldn't get away from it there's something out there in the dark and it's calling you jack harkness no white tunnel for me just tightening and blind panic that goes straight through every blood vessel in your body in those seconds that feel like ours then it's like going to sleep i guess i don't remember too much i have epilepsy grand mal seizures for those of you up on your neurology terms basically my brain function gets completely freaked up though far from dead my brain function stops for a brief moment before i come back when i have my seizures i lose track of everything i just wake up on the ground with no clue what has happened every muscle in my body aches like i got hit by a truck it is like waking up from being asleep except in excruciating pain and having the embarrassing moment when everybody is standing around you i odd on aspirin once and it was terrible i can't remember the medical term for it but after waiting over 24 hours to go to the other doctor explained that i was having many heart attacks i died about five minutes after entering the awaiting room and i was resuscitated a few minutes later but not actually conscious until hours after that because aspirin affects your ears and therefore hearing imbalance leading up to my unconsciousness i could hear only what i must describe as faint tv static like through a wall or something and was not able to stand up straight i had to keep my upper body perpendicular to my lower body when i died nothing special happened i had been fading in and out of consciousness for a day at that point and i just saw the world going blurry again and blacked out the pain was almost indescribable though it was like my whole body was on fire i was soaked in sweat i could feel everything every crazy beat of my heart felt like someone stabbing me repeatedly with some sort of thor hammer knife i had to make a conscious decision to breath and basically stay alive the last five hours before the air i'd attempted suicide a couple times before but had always used lora tabs so i'd never been awake for the whole process i can guarantee you i will never ever attempt a suicide again feeling my body dying the way it was it was the worst feeling imaginable i was desperate and terrified and my body felt as if it were being ripped apart from the inside of my veins sometimes i'm 50 50 on whether there's a god it's a great mystery we never quite know but i like to believe there's an afterlife i like to believe the accumulated wisdom doesn't just disappear when you die but somehow it induce and then he says but maybe it's just like an on off switch and click and you're gone steve jobs i know that this doesn't directly answer the ups question but i feel it's for appropriate here i for one do believe in god and in the afterlife so i hope that when it truly is time for us to go that there is something good waiting for us happened to me twice well maybe one one stroke two times first time i was a kid bad things happened and to cover my screams he covered my face and nose and i suffocated he knew first aid cpr procedure and brought me back this was a relative my heart had to have stopped because my chest hurt and i felt terribly ill for about a week mom took me to a doctor and determined i must have fallen on something and was sent on my way but back then there wasn't as much attention paid to child abuse as it is now i remember the feeling of not breathing and blacking out next thing i remember is coming to and feeling like i had been hit with a car there wasn't any light or angels or anything just silence and dark second time i had contracted a staph infection that caused an early labor by the time i had seen the doc i was rushed by ambulance to the nearest hospital and had an emergency c-section time was of the essence and i was put under i remember at one point i came to and was trying desperately to pull out my breathing tube that was jammed down my throat i could hear someone say strap her down and get a crash cart ready a blackness again and when i came to the next time my entire family was around me i knew something bad had happened i thought i had lost my baby i was in such physical and emotional pain and my mom comes to me and says we nearly lost you your fever spiked suddenly to 105 and you were basically dead for almost four minutes you came back and tried to pull out your tube so they strapped you down then she hugged me i was 18 at the time i had a baby boy who turned 22 years old today born nine weeks early and sick with the staff too i only remember blackness and not being able to breathe someone asked me about dying once i said why be afraid of it when you're dead you don't even know it it's just darkness the thing i remember about those two times is i felt a sense of calm that i've never felt before or since sorry if this is all over the place i typed it as i remembered and conveyed what i remember the first time happened 30 years ago the second 22 years i don't think about it that much i guess i kind of figured death doesn't hurt i'm just not ready for it yet i thankfully have a pacemaker now but for about a year of my life i went into full-blown cardiac arrest about once a month it depended on how fast the response was whether they used chemicals or the paddles to revive me each of those feels different coming back but leaving always feels the same the first thing that happens is my vision starts to go peripherals first narrow into tunnel vision then greeting out and going black at this point i can still hear and normally i start going down if i've been standing it feels like my body is swaying back and forth like rolling in the waves of the ocean but i've been told that i'm not actually moving like that my brain is still functioning and i can't think things like oh crap not again or try to get to grip then slowly i can hear my heart beat in my ears louder and louder until it starts to slow down then i listen to it slow down until my hearing goes completely if people are around me at this point i stop hearing them too then the blackness ensures it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest like the whole universe is being sucked into my chest creating this crazy amount of pressure and pain but not real pain i don't want to scream out i just want to give into it to make it go away any way i can i'm being crushed to death and i know it but there is nothing i can do about it there is always an instant when everything stops my thinking the pressure the pain life the next second is when they bring me back if it's with drugs it's much more gentle i start to hear my heart beating again pound in my ears and my chest my hearing comes back but it's like i am underwater i get the absolute worst headache you can ever imagine and my entire body gets that numb tingly feeling like if you have been outside in the freezing cold and then run your fingers under hot water you feel like it's burning hot but somehow it doesn't hurt if they have to use the paddles it's a completely different story it's more instantaneous that elephant that was sitting on my chest jumps off and at the same time it's like the entire universe that was sucked into my chest explodes out tearing me open my ears are assaulted with every noise around me at the same time and it's confusing my entire body hurts like i ran a marathon and didn't drink any water sore tight burning all at the same time but at the same time that moment is when i feel the most alive as well it's the best and the worst feeling in the world in case anyone was wondering i have a disorder called dysautonomia which is essentially a breakdown in my parasympathetic nervous system and sometimes my brain forgets to tell my heart to beat because of it i wasn't born with it it developed after i had an adverse reaction to a vaccine while in the military i don't know if i was clinically dead as there wasn't a doctor there to confirm but i overdosed on them years ago i was in my bathroom and as described by others here felt my body shutting down terrible pain in my chest completely unable to move i collapsed on the floor with my body blocking the bathroom door and my girlfriend was outside the door crying and trying to get in i felt like i was drifting out of my body because i could look down and see myself lying there on the floor and my girlfriend trying to push the door open i wanted to help her get in to move my body so she could get the door open but i didn't feel like i had any control over my body anymore everything seemed like it was getting farther away her screaming and crying were getting quieter i felt so bad that i was leaving her to deal with the mess but at the same time i wasn't really sure i wanted to go back but when she finally got through the door and collapsed on the floor next to my body she pleaded with me not to leave her and that she loves me and can't live without me i'm not sure what happened but suddenly i was awake everything seemed bright and loud i could feel her arms around me holding me tightly to her chest and crying and kissing me i sat up and the pain in my chest was gone and i felt completely sober when just prior to passing out i was so freaked up my heart was pounding and i was completely disoriented it was very surreal i used to be afraid of dying but since that happened i no longer fear it i remember feeling completely free floating weightless but very alive i saw darkness then i started to make out a red figure walking towards me it had a humanoid shape then when this being was right in front of me it pulled out a guitar and said i'm the devil i love metal it hurt started out like i had to burp but nothing came out got tighter and tighter i had to sit down then after a bit it felt like an elephant was on my chest by then the paramedics got there they gave me pain meds that took the edge off strapped me to gurney and wheeled me to the ambulance the scary part was to come the trip speeding down the highway on my back with no seat belt i remember being wheeled into the air but after that nothing woke up w needles in both arms tubes in my chest and hurting like a bee a double bypass saved my life thanks dr douglas question for people i died at a young age during a car accident and can't remember it all too well but you all talk about this light switch going off when you were in this mode where you able to tell that there was nothing or was it more like you went to sleep woke up no memory in between fell through the eyes on a pond when i was seven i remember it was extremely cold and dark and i was panicking and then it was silent and there was nothingness and then from there i don't remember anything until i was back on the ice coughing up water a friend of mine had heart surgery a few months ago and nearly died due to some complications all the surgeons [ __ ] up idk and said he felt lifted from his body and then trapped in some sort of limbo before being revived i don't remember the full story so i don't want to say the limbo mentioned was a tunnel with a light or anything but i do remember him describing the feeling of revival as being abruptly sucked out of some peaceful aura and back into consciousness and pain my heart stopped once when i was seven just gone paramedics father nobody could revive me it went black instantly then i awoke after i had been declared deceased it was like waking up from a nap my heart started back up on its own no nothing just from the dinner table to paramedics then i got to learn i have a bicuspid aortic heart valve whoa what is the weirdest thing you have ever heard in a public place we were at the library for some writing when a guy on the phone at a nearby table suddenly said yeah baby i still love sharknado but he said it so sincerely like he was trying to defuse a possible fight standing in an elevator headed to the ground floor of the atlantic city hotel two guys get on dragging their bags and looking very hungover quiet one guy says to his friend things will go back to normal once we get home his friend says back not after that i'd love to hear the story behind this one you just know some weird crap happened walking down the street i overheard guy in a suit on the phone saying i just figured we'd better talk about the sandwich thing cuz i have a feeling it's going to come to a head pretty fast i cannot conceive of any sandwich thing that could do that overheard at my university student center i've been having sex for years and not once has anyone told me i was doing it wrong there's people out there who do it wrong their whole freaking lives i was shopping at best buy a few years back near christmas in the checkout line there was a deaf mom yelling at her two teenage daughters in sign language she was quite animated and obviously upset in the middle of this sign language rant the daughters both turned their back to the mom and started bad-mouthing her the rage the i saw on that mom's face was frightening i thought i was about to be witness to a double homicide an old lady to another old lady on the bus i tried reading the karma sutra i thought it would be erotic but it just made me very angry i love this one i was drinking in a pizza sports bar one table over a drunk guy is talking loudly about how he accidentally drunk fricked a guy that looked like a girl the whole bar can hear this about 20 minutes pass and his waiters makes a joke about switching tables so her guy co-worker can serve him he instantly got p off and accused his friend of telling the waitress his story and tried to fight him someone was in denial before a district court hearing shortly before it was pointed out to the attorney that there were consultation rooms available so that's your defense he may be a drug dealer and a convicted sex offender but he's not a thief i want to be on the jury for that case la mayo a couple having an argument in a pub on the next table that got louder and louder and culminated in the woman yelling then why won't you eat my pee also in a bar i once heard a woman saying to her man probably you shouldn't complain that i just lie there you should be happy with the fact that i at least give you warmth story from a friend she was browsing the tampon aisle a random woman comes up to her points to one of the budget brands and says don't buy those ones they come out when you cough this is solid advice from one lady to another yay sisterhood heard a guy saying to another guy coming out of a gas station he wears a scarf around his neck so you can't see where he's decaying i have never been so painfully curious the girl with the green ribbon rita thanks for the awards man and woman examining a parcel they just picked up from the post office woman examining label ukraine what have you been ordering now man oh that'll be the gas masks reminder old military gas masks are usually dangerous they might contain asbestos for example sitting in a restaurant years ago and overheard another diner say and he just keeps hiring family members into government jobs that's necrophilia dropping a coffee off to my girlfriend at work guy out front of the studio is on the phone and the brief bit i caught was i didn't mean to have sex with that sister whoops i heard a girl talking on the phone and the conversation went something like this so i was sitting outside on a park bench talking on the phone when suddenly a chipmunk fell right into my hand like it fell directly into my hand and i got so freaked out that i threw it as far as i could i literally launched a chipmunk across the park imagine if that was the chipmunks plan all along like it was in a hurry to get somewhere so it dropped into her hand figuring she would launch it i was having dinner in a thai restaurant and overheard a blind date in the booth behind me well thank you but i'm going to get going oh already i'll walk you out no stay here and enjoy your beer can i call you later long pause i'll have to let you know i got set up with my dad's girlfriend's friend's niece and i'm meeting her tomorrow and i'm terrified of this happening lol i recently overheard a group of 20-somethings talking about this giant octopus in our nearby aquarium one of the guys swore to the others that the octopus was otherworldly and that had basically took over his mind for several hours while he sat in a trance watching it shrooms for sure there were two women in front of me at the queue in the bank and i could overhear them talking when one of them said i can't wait to frick my boyfriend later to which the other replied normally or with your strappin my life has never been the same i vote for the strappin i was walking behind a pair of teenagers once one asked the other do you know what chlamydia is after a long pause the other replied yeah it's that board game in it i still laugh thinking about it in college i was taking a psychology class the professor was asking students about what makes them upset one girl raised her hand quickly and went on a rant about the good phil nothing useless piece of crap that got her pregnant she ranted for five minutes about how he doesn't pay child support never wants to see his daughter but keeps trying to get back in her pants even though she knows he's already gotten at least two other girls pregnant the professor an older woman was a little taken aback and tried to give her advice saying that group therapy between them would be beneficial and that while a romantic relationship was probably not a good idea a good civil relationship as parents was necessary and that he should understand that as a parent he has both emotional and financial obligations to his daughter then she said do you think that is something he would be open to to which the girl replied i don't know why don't you ask him he's sitting right over there poor son of a bee was in the class lol at a huge outlet mall in pennsylvania there was a little girl and her rather rough looking mom the little girl was saying but mum why do we have to lie i'm pretty sure they were about to scam the crap out of the place not that strange i guess but i was in the bathroom at a target once and i heard a kid in the stall say daddy are you pooing in the dad in a sad defeated voice replied say yeah oh man i have to one visiting central park during my first time to nyc i'm walking around when a female cop is walking up to a homeless guy drinking some water out of a water fountain she seemed to know him no charles uh don't drink that water ain't you seen robocop two visiting new orleans for mardi gras we are driving around looking for a place to eat and this stereotypical looking caucasian family is getting out of their suv this tall black dude holding a tall boy beer in a paper bag in his right hand and an empty 10 gallon paint bucket in his left hand is walking up towards them we were driving by with the windows down at a slow speed so i just heard him start his sentence with i know i'm black and i'm holding a bucket my buddy and i couldn't stop laughing from that because it just sounded so odd for a while we would just start sentences about anything with i know i'm black and i'm carrying a bucket what does robocop have to do with a water fountain i overheard two girls in front of me at the school library girl one my boyfriend's such a bastard he cheated on me girl two why don't you just leave him then girl one because i've cheated on him so many times that it wouldn't be fair they are perfect together mayo the bus driver told his wife that he did not know how to justify himself to his daughter for accidentally feeding the fish with rat poison this reminds me of the time my dad accidentally ran over the family cat and hid it from us my mom told me about after the divorce my co-worker turned the corner with the phrase giant glob of puss right in my mouth i just didn't even want to know i'm a nurse this is just a normal workplace conversation to me the guy behind me loudly proclaimed he had to take a nulli p to this day i don't know what quantifies appears nollie but hey i do but it involves a box of beer a snowboard school textbooks and four packs of different colored flavor doesn't matter kool-aid walking downtown in georgia one saturday night when i heard this gem of a conversation coming from this group of girls as i passed girl one what's the most amount of guys you've fricked in one night girl two um i think six girl one at the same time girl two no jelly i'm not less i was walking with my friend and we heard a kid shout call me chicken kiev we laughed about it for the rest of the walk a woman on a phone in line she has clearly seen better days but aside from that you can tell she's all about business tacoma don't come up in here bitching to me about your problems i don't got time for your crying and crap i'm your side piece you got a woman for that crap [ __ ] walking past a guy in glasgow who was talking on the phone who said somewhat frantically there's 20 grand in a shoe box on the back seat who keeps 20 grand in a shoebox and then leaves it sitting drug dealers or arms dealers i mean it was in glasgow some indian dude was teaching his kid how to put together one of those multi-use screwdrivers and the kid figured it out so the father says see son just like sliding an enemy in i went fetal position right in the middle of rona my cousin-in-law is from austria apparently in austria they don't talk on the phone in open public as much as we do in australia and they aren't as blatant in what they're talking about one day she was waiting at the bus stop when a young woman was on the phone with her mother the conversation from the daughter's end was something like mum i need you to buy me a morning after pill i haven't got any money left tbf that's a bit extreme for most australians to speak about openly at a bus stop too but it stood out more for her walking behind then between gates i overheard once judas say to the other yes i'm still seeing him i like him because he looks like a lesbian best compliment one can get i've got two both while i was on kart's janitor duty at a grocery store first one there was a group of three or four teenage boys in the handicapped stall reading the first act of romeo and juliet allowed this was before vines and tick-tock so i doubt it was part of some viral thing second another group of teens was having a very heated argument in our cafe over whether or not indians should be considered asian second no and yes i can't say i am indian i was walking through town at christmas lots of people about and i pass an old couple just as a woman says to i'm guessing her husband no one thinks you're dead harold who thinks you're dead i'd like to imagine it's the same old couple from that fear lesbians harold tumbler post i will do a snazzle cakes out with sniffy smith to this day i've always wondered what the gent meant by that he was not eating or crazy just a dude walking two women in line for coffee in a town near big sur i just love it down there it's so peaceful on the coast yeah but the goat sacrifice was heavy i don't know i hope i didn't seem triggered or anything oh no not at all i mean it can be intense the first time so i don't think anyone really cared yikers one that still makes me laugh to think about to this day i was about 14 and at the river with my dad just enjoying a nice summer day this family with twin sons maybe three or four years old is hanging around with an ear shot of us the dad is trying to teach the boys how to skip rocks dad see you find a nice flat rock and then you throw it like this no not at your brother oh man i have had this exact situation with my twin boys i was at a dollar tree when i was in middle school and i passed a family in the checkout lane as one of the kids grabs a pregnancy test and goes look mom i found a new candy it's called pregnancy i didn't hear the mother's response because i was already across the store by then and i was laughing my butt off reminds me of the time a little girl was in a hardware store crying because her mom wouldn't give her any apple juice from the gallon jug in the cart the mom was buying tiki torch fuel heard a guy on the bus talking about killing his grandmother then ending the sentence with hypothetically speaking big daddy was being hypothetical with the tone of his voice my friend's cousin killed his grandparents and i think their mother cousin's mother the killer's mother and started on their way to kill more before getting arrested mental health is a serious thing when i was changing for swimming with my seven-year-old daughter at a public pool she loudly exclaimed daddy your willy looks like squidward's nose i watched a play at a university and in front of the stage there was a sign language translator at one part of the play i can't remember what part or what play the interpreter had an extremely angry expression and repeatedly fondled her breasts i started laughing really hard and people looked at me i don't think the part of the play was supposed to be funny drink damn it just drink it which wouldn't have been that weird except when i looked up to where i heard the voice coming from it was a second floor apartment window where a woman was trying to get a very large lizard to drink from a glass of water i started laughing because wtf she heard me glared at me and yelled frick you i love chicago walmart was at the register when the cashier and the guy in front of me were talking to one another clearly they knew each other the guy had a box of condoms and pregnancy test kits cashier noticed them and made a joke about how big the condoms are and if his girlfriend is expecting guy says no and once he's done paying he hands the items to her guys says this she might be pregnant with your husband's kid and tell him if he's gonna freak my girlfriend wear a condom and don't make a mess of my place he leaves and the cashier is just a seething mess of anger and walks off i go to another register but i was so tempted to follow her just to see what she do i had to read this several times until i figured out what was happening i was on a train once and this girl behind me was on the phone for about an hour in that time she mentioned that the night before she really wanted a chinese for t so got her boyfriend to order one but he got a rice with prawns and she hates prawns so she threw the whole lot away and now hasn't eaten for 24 hours and it's his fault she then proceeded to tell the person on the phone that her friend's brother had been shot a few days ago and isn't answering his phone i'm in the uk so this was quite uncommon and how her and his sister planned to visit all the hospitals when they got home because they hadn't heard from him and the subjects changed every five minutes and she spoke very loudly the whole time much to my entertainment her friend's brother had been shot a few days ago and isn't answering his phone i'm in the uk so this was quite uncommon believe it or not that's uncommon in many places if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Studios

Views: 314,604

Keywords: overheard phone call prank, overheard, overhearing awkward phone calls, overhearing parents, listen, #updootst, updoot, updoot reddit, updoot everything, reddit on tap, toadfilms, pewdiepie, reddit, askreddit, funny reddit, reddit stories, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, r/, r/askreddit, top posts of r/, askreddit reading, best reddit posts, top posts of all time, people of reddit, askreddit question, ask reddit, subreddit, sub, reddit stories 2021

Id: XrmQBDUGBCs

Length: 177min 55sec (10675 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 24 2021