Sarah Millican's Silly Animal Stories | Outsider | Universal Comedy

like that thank you I uh there was a a lady recently said that uh she had a bird table and it was constantly being the squirrel family were constantly eating everything off the bird table and and chasing the birds away which she was upset in her so what she did in her Brilliance she buttered the bird table and then she said for the rest of the week she just watched some squirrels Paul dance we had one man who'd seen an owl a baby owl in the road and he pulled over and he decided it was poorly not not dead he decided he was going to try and take it home and and take it somewhere the next day to look after it so he balanced it on his lap for a bit of warmth while he was driving along it started to come around so he put it smartly moved it across to the passenger seat and then it fully came around and he realized in that Split Second that he had a live owl in an enclosed space and it continued to lacerate his face and arms to the point where you had to open the window and just throw the [ __ ] thing out but I asked this question in Canada I was working in Canada and I did a a show there and I sort of casually forgot that they'd have an entirely different set of wildlife there one lady really Posh lady she said a a kayak king with a pot of orca said there are six words in that sentence and I don't know what three of them are and one lady said that her dog was bark and she went downstairs see what her dog was barking at and in kitchen was a fully grown Grizzly beay I know it just let itself in a back door H not like that that sounded bad not like that like that not like don't know what the m is one of my favorite ones we were in leads a few months ago and I said what's the best thing you've seen in nature and the lady shouted out a Dalmation and I thought oh bless her she's not really understood the question and then she said hping a pony I was like there you go there's your story I said where did you see that she said black pool pleasure Beach I said did you watch it for very long she said no not long I was on a roller coaster what the [ __ ] happening to one of the main differences I noticed when I moved to the countryside haven't lived in the city center for so long as our Power Coats last a lot longer so the first power cut we had in the countryside lasted 26 hours I'd never experienced anything like that before and we realized by 6: p.m. the power wasn't going to come back on so we just prepared for a night without it now luckily my husband is quite a be grills I know so he went Forin for curry but before you left he said to me don't waste the battery power on the Torches I said okay he said just like a few Candles now I'm not very girly girl so candles are never something I would especially buy for myself but luckily I've got loads of friends who don't know me at all and the shitloads of scented candles so I let a few and by the time my husband came back in I was relaxed horny and excited for Christmas something else I seem to have acquired that I would never buy for myself is sticks in a jaar have you seen this sticks in a jaar sticks in a jaar does anybody know what the proper name is readed diffuser few of you shouted out at the same time thank you if you don't know what it is it's just a jar that has perfume in it and the reads or the sticks carry the perfume up made the room smell nice I didn't know any of this when this is given to me as a present it reminded me quite a lot of the incense sticks that my friend had had when I visited her at University so I nearly lit the [ __ ] thing I almost accidentally created a Jo Malone Molotov cocktail there's quite a few girly things I can't really partake in uh I can't for example I can't have anything in the bath that isn't me or the water kind of bath bombs bath oil bubble bath bath salt kind of any those things if I have any of those things it makes down there raw I mean both spellings like r a w sort of red and angry and shiny and also just no pretty sure that's what the Katy Perry song is about [Applause] it's like that Old Pub joke you know that Old Pub joke you'll know this two monkeys in the bath one of them goes the other one goes oh sorry I forgot you had a really sensitive vagina do you know that one but that sentence I said that if you say that I've got a really sensitive vagina I meant that in like a practical way just then but you could also say that a kind of sexy time couldn't you you got to be careful of those sentences that on paper look like the same thing here's another one got to be careful I'm not wearing any knickers cuz I've got a touch your thrust and I'm trying to get a bit of air [Applause] around but I've got a friend who's in her 60s and she said to me I used to be let you with the bath bombs and whatnot I said used to be what's changed she said oh well when you get to my age you can have whatever you like in the bath cuz it's all dead down there that is a small upside to a big downside isn't it I have no feeling whatsoever in my vagina but finally I get to go to Lush a long time ago I was reading one of those books you know those books that are ostensibly a romance but I have a couple of pages of Filth in the middle of Smashing it's reading one of those and on one of the pages of Filth the lady of the book poured some champagne on herself and the man of the book drank the champagne off and me and my boyfriend at the time this is 20 years ago we decided we were going to have a go with this we couldn't afford champagne so we bought him lamb Brosco and I had forgot that the lady in the book was lying flat I was sitting up right just paed it on it ran straight in smarted like a [ __ ] I told that story to a friend of mine winey and she said is that why you don't drink no not once when somebody's asked me why don't I drink have I answered because it hurts me Fanny ah you're doing it wrong then you don't have to take the cork out like that it was a screw cup imagine the skills I need for a screw cup but I had to talk to my I had to talk to one of my neighbors recently wasn't planning on doing that for sort of ever really can a che if you talk to your neighbors can a che if you don't I just talk to my neighbor because we share a septic tank now if you don't know what a septic tank is the fact that my neighbor refers to it as a sewage tank should give you a good indication of what's in it I've never seen the septic tank it's on her side of the fence I imagine they're in the ground is that right does anybody know yeah thank you I didn't know that so in my mind I pictured it as like a skip on her drive with a lid on so when she came around to tell me it was nearly full because my neighbor's quite little I pictured her like LIF in the lid on her tippy toes oh her IBS is playing up again [Music] Gerald push that one back in it's bobbing out I do have IBS irritable bowel syndrome I also have PCOS polycistic go Varian syndrome I like to put those collections of letters at the end of my name and pretend I went to University so people think that I'm educated rather than regularly [ __ ] my baren self one of my friends said to me she said I can't always tell if you're about to tell me a secret or you're sneaking out a fart I said I've got no secrets all thoughts what you do find though if you have IBS and you have it a bad bout of IBS your thoughts are so horrific that if you do one in a room where there are other people you don't get the traditional response people kind of mutter into each other has somebody just can you smell has somebody just that's what happens what happens is somebody puts their hand on your arm and says are you all right

Channel: Universal Comedy

Views: 167,811

Keywords: Comedy, Universal Comedy, Universal, Stand Up, Stand Up Comedy, Comedian, Stand Up Comedian, sarah millican stand up, sarah millican full show, sarah millican full episodes, sarah millican reaction, sarah millican honk noise, sarah millican home bird, sarah millican massage joke, sarah millican

Id: Q8LKgvBLdbI

Length: 9min 12sec (552 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 26 2024